Question:
a friend e-mailed me and went into something between her and her sister, whom she had yet to talk to about it yet. You know I was trying to be a friend and supportive and thinking rationally as to why the sister may have not said anything… what does my friend say to me later? "I know your heart was in the right place but this is between my sister and I…" well excuse me for trying to be a friend and excuse me for talking about it. I told her perhaps she should have kept it between her and her sister and vented it to her sister and not ME if she didn’t want to hear anything elsewhere…. s*** on if you do, s*** on if you don’t…. f*** that… Paula-whom I haven’t even heard from her a "congrats on your grades" it’s no big deal because I basicly knew what I was getting but still….f*** it. This is to everyone…if you want to keep things between you and someone else…don’t tell a 3rd person because they’ll give you feedback (just as this friend does as well)…
Response:
Hi Paula! I hear your pain when you say: > Paula-whom I haven’t even heard from her a "congrats on your grades" it’s no > big deal because I basicly knew what I was getting but still….f*** it. This > is to everyone…if you want to keep things between you and someone > else…don’t tell a 3rd person because they’ll give you feedback (just as this > friend does as well)…
And, I understand how you feel abused by the situation … been there. :/ Actually, IME most people don’t want feedback, they just want someone to rant with that they can trust. So … I’ve decided to be a good friend by _not_ giving feedback unless it is specifically requested. Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
>>Actually, IME most people don’t want feedback, they just want someone to
rant with that they can trust. So … I’ve decided to be a good friend by _not_ giving feedback unless it is specifically requested.<< well that’s what I left her with. I moreorless stated that I don’t know what she wants from people anymore…in one stance she says this about what she wants and doesn’t and who she is, at another time she says this and now she says that. So I moreorless told her that she needs to tell me what she wants when she tells me something because it keeps changing and I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes for trying to be a friend and doing and saying what I felt ANY friend would to try to calm down an upset and angry friend… Paula
Response:
>>I could write a whole shitload of good things about her and the
friendship…I honestly don’t have one ILL ounce of feelings for her. I thought of her as my friend. I thought of her like a sister-I’m not close with the sister I had….<< the sister that I HAVE-that’s supposed to say
Response:
Actually, I find that you’re discussing a situation not the friendship as a whole. Maybe another time you’ll be more willing to talk about the good friend that she was to you, for however long it lasted. Do you feel you’ve been a good friend? Not just to her. I find that I haven’t always been. It’s pretty near impossible to be there for people when we have so many triggers, and so many extreme reactions. Looking out for our safety is a CONSTANT effort. Over the years I’ve been depressed for weeks and months at a time. At times, I wouldn’t even listen to how someone’s day went because my situation so much worse.
Response:
You shouldn’t dismiss those negative thoughts. They are part of what you believe. I don’t think that anyone here is going to fault you for that. I don’t.
Response:
PAdams4232 wrote: > >>I could write a whole shitload of good things about her and the > friendship…I > honestly don’t have one ILL ounce of feelings for her. I thought of her as my > friend. I thought of her like a sister-I’m not close with the sister I > had….<< > the sister that I HAVE-that’s supposed to say
Are you sure? It sounds like you’re still angry.
Response:
>>I’d say you’re still angry with her. I used to think rage/triggers were anger
and that there was nothing in between. That is until someone gave me a bit of advice: if you think something is unfair, then you’re angry.<< I am upset with her. Not nec her but with what she also said. I’m upset with not answering questions for me to better understand. You know if she’s not set today-than just say you’re not ready to. Hear or talk. I’m upset because she didn’t answer my question(s) at the end when she said what she did. I’m upset that she seems to try and be there for others, yet gave up on me. I didn’t and don’t ask her or anyone else to fix my problems-I never did. The thing that I’m most upset and mad about is the fact that she let her sorry ass judgmental friend(s) call me and label me sick and obsessed. When she knows that that’s not true. She knows my past. I highly doubt this other friend did. Having issues or not having issues-emotions get involved with how much is discussed of a person. I’m upset that she agreed with her/him and not hearing from her…her reading my website the way that she did…what does that make her? you know? I’m upset and mad and angry with her that she even or ever thought that way about me. You don’t know how much that hurts. Her knowing EVERYTHING including my issues and than turning around, when she/we’re done and kicking me in the back with them. I never thought she would agree with that "friend"…never. I thought she knew me too well. I thought she understood. And whoever the friend was…I would expect that she KNEW me longer than the friend. She may have known him/her but she KNEW me. And you know I know all of those words could have been said on hurt and frustration and what have you but I still haven’t heard anything either way and for that I am upset. And again-if I am what she believed her friend to call me…than she is what she believed her friend to call me. You know? ::again-I’m not calling her that…she’s calling herself that by when she was reading my website EVERY day and checking on a couple times a day…what do you call that? if you call me obsessed?:: No double standards are given here!! I am upset and mad because she hurt me with what she said. And you know-I’m not putting it past anyone that I hurt her with what I said and my back anf forthness…but I tried to communicate that with her and I did. That doesn’t mean she’s still not hurt but in my opinion her not saying anything-well that means she still believes that BS that her judgmental friend, who doesn’t even know me, said… I don’t hold it against her, because again, I know she could have been hurt and it was hurt feelings talking…but I am upset and hurt by it too. I’m not angry with her. I do not hate her. I am just hurt and I don’t understand a lot of things that she said or did/does either.
Response:
>>Talking indirectly via a ng or home page is something I do do … but … I
write about me, not about my friends.<< how can you possbily keep the words and thoughts soley about you-without mentioning your friends, co-workers and/or family? It is nearly impossible because what you do and/or say about or to your friends or feelings…is about you as well. >>If my intention were to either judge the other person (and get a group of
folks to gang up on the other person in electronic space) or attempt to show the other person the errors of her/his ways, then I am simply fixating and making myself sicker.<< but the point is-I’m not judging her…I am merely talking about MY feelings. Which does involve people outside of me…how can it not unless you live in complete isolation away from the world. What friends and family say and do, affects you (your feelings, your beliefs, your daily living)…therefore how can you not write about them? What I have on my website-is not judging her and what she does or did. I ask why this and why that…I don’t say she does this or that. or she is this or that, etc… and to be honest most of my questions and thoughts are directed at me and what I did. And why I did it, etc. At that time, before, hope for the future, etc… I know-everyone does things differently and that’s how you do them-I know you’re not trying to say everyone should try and do what you do, etc. But I’m just expressing how and what’s on my site. Paula
Response:
Hi Paula! > >>Talking indirectly via a ng or home page is something I do do … but … I > write about me, not about my friends.<< > how can you possbily keep the words and thoughts soley about you-without > mentioning your friends, co-workers and/or family? It is nearly impossible > because what you do and/or say about or to your friends or feelings…is about > you as well.
I invite you to search through Deja News for my posts (which may be many for the last 6 months) and find out where I have written according to your criteria. The posts may show you how it is possible for me to focus on me. Focusing on myself, rather than someone else, is a necessary trick to recovery from the worst symptoms of PTSD. YMMV Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
>>Focusing on myself, rather than someone else, is a necessary trick to
recovery from the worst symptoms of PTSD.<< I suppose but isn’t it difficult to do that and NOT talk about anyone else? How can I not talk about myself and abortion without talking about a friend’s potential abortion? which is what brought the feelings on? Not that in my writing I judged her or anyone else…but it brought up my personal beliefs, etc. Perhaps-I will do that just to see what you mean or how you do it because from this standpoint, I find it nearly impossible. I talk about others but focus on myself…
Response:
PAdams4232 wrote: > >>Focusing on myself, rather than someone else, is a necessary trick to > recovery from the worst symptoms of PTSD.<< > I suppose but isn’t it difficult to do that and NOT talk about anyone else? > How can I not talk about myself and abortion without talking about a friend’s > potential abortion? which is what brought the feelings on? Not that in my > writing I judged her or anyone else…but it brought up my personal beliefs, > etc.
You can talk about/name the behaviour/action/situation. How it makes you feel? What you think about the situation? What you want or need?
Response:
>>> >>I could write a whole shitload of good things about her and the > friendship…I > honestly don’t have one ILL ounce of feelings for her. I thought of her as my > friend. I thought of her like a sister-I’m not close with the sister I > had….<< > the sister that I HAVE-that’s supposed to say
Are you sure? It sounds like you’re still angry.<< am I sure about what? angry about what? I do have a sister-that was a typo… 
Response:
>>At times, I wouldn’t even listen to how someone’s day went because my
situation so much worse.<< see I always asked them on how their day went. And I’d be pissed because they didn’t ask ENOUGH about mine. Even though or if they did… remember nothing is/was never enough for me…
Response:
am I angry about or with the friend that’s being discussed do you mean?
Response:
PAdams4232 wrote: > am I angry about or with the friend that’s being discussed do you mean?
I’d say you’re still angry with her. I used to think rage/triggers were anger and that there was nothing in between. That is until someone gave me a bit of advice: if you think something is unfair, then you’re angry.
Response:
PAdams4232 wrote: > >>At times, I wouldn’t even listen to how someone’s day went because my > situation so much worse.<< > see I always asked them on how their day went. And I’d be pissed because they > didn’t ask ENOUGH about mine. Even though or if they did… > remember nothing is/was never enough for me…
I get resentful too when I’m taking care of other people all the time and my needs aren’t being met.
Response:
> >>Hopefully, one day you’ll be able to talk about how the loss of the > friendship affected you, rather than discussing her.<< > after reading this statement-I just erased everything I was going to write. > Because I am discussing the friendship AND her. And when I discuss her-it’s not > all that bad is it?
Depends upon your intention, I suppose. :/ In my experience, I can only discuss my friendship (or lack of friendship) with someone by talking to that person. Talking indirectly via a ng or home page is something I do do … but … I write about me, not about my friends. S/he can learn about me if s/he cares to learn, otherwise s/he can decide to not know me. My intention is only to practice being ‘authentic’, not to judge her/his intentions (which I will never _really_ know). If my intention were to either judge the other person (and get a group of folks to gang up on the other person in electronic space) or attempt to show the other person the errors of her/his ways, then I am simply fixating and making myself sicker. YMMV Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
BTW again-even good thoughts are made on impulses and I regret writing them because I become vulnerable. But my true feelings and thoughts are usually good and positive about people. You know unless you’re a complete jackass and I have real reason to say something…more like put them in their place (I’m really talking about putting them in their place and sticking up for myself). But that and the bad/neg thoughts I say…errr write to others…aren’t like that. They’re very different though people who aren’t me can’t tell that…I know. …let me put it this way… if I do impulse writing and it’s neg thoughts…I regret writing things because it’s not the truth and I’m protecting myself because I may or may not hear something or feel something in return and if I impulse on positive thoughts-those are surely true thoughts but I will regret saying it and come back and re-think/type neg thoughts. And than I would come back and correct it because that isn’t true…so forth and so on. I suppose more or less…even in writing the adult me and the child me play tug-o-war and who will win to express what they want…when they want. God-if I were reading this and this writing was someone else’s-I would think that that person is real fucked up. What a screwy and ill way of life, thoughts and feelings…. which is probably why I’m emotionally numb a lot of times because I beat myself (emotionally) silly to not feel it any thing either way anymore… but than again-I know the that positive thoughts are true of what I feel. I wouldn’t say that I cared about someone, if I didn’t. If I didn’t care about someone-I wouldn’t say anything. I wouldn’t go back and forth with truth and making excuses. when I’m asked what I think about me? I say nothing because I honestly don’t know either way…or didn’t. if I’m asked what I think about my mother or grandmother or my cats or even the friend that we’re talking about-I would say that I care, respect and love them. That wouldn’t be a lie and it would be honest…at the same time-I become vulnerable when I say those things… like I said-I swear if I was out of my shoes and reading these posts as if they were not my own-I would think that the person isn’t…isn’t something… sigh… Paula
Response:
PAdams4232 wrote: > is it possible to drop hints without giving it away? do I even want to take the > time to create hints to give it away? perhaps not really but know that I’m not > slow! One thing you cannot change is the style of typing…no matter how much > you try, your natural style comes out. and if you look closely you’ll see it-I > pointed it out before-as in a few years ago > but than I think that it’s okay, she has her reasons…why? I don’t know-I may > never know. But she has them…somewhere. as many people do it on-line.
There is also a difference between suspicions, hunches, assumption and facts. That’s what makes ptsd so difficult. We can usually come up with evidence to support our beliefs even when we are mistaken. There’s more than two sides to every coin. There are as many interpretations to a situations as there are people viewing it. Some food for though.
Response:
you know what though-I know more than you think I do. I just like to point it out because I’m not one to… you know what-it doesn’t even matter anymore. More important things to worry about and you know what-even if it does come out-I shouldn’t worry about it because I wouldn’t hold it against them anyways. I’m posting in a public forum on top of that…I expressing, incase they don’t think I know… it’s not PTSD-I know what I’m talking about… what is PTSD-is still struggling with low self-esteem, in which that post is about because I am still worried about people tricking/lying, etc But as I said-it doesn’t even matter-I just wanted to point that out…I’m in a public forum-thus I don’t hold it against anyone that reads it (though I don’t know who would).
Response:
PAdams4232 wrote: > you know what though-I know more than you think I do. I just like to point it > out because I’m not one to…
I’m not sure what you mean by this. It’s clear to me in going over past events/triggers in my life that at certain times I believed that I was at risk in one way or another. Looking back, despite all the evidence I had at the time, it turns out that there are other explanations for the same situation. To be honest with you. I think this stopped being about your friend some time ago. I sounds more like what being lied to, or tricked means to you. She just happened to be the one that triggered you. That’s just my opinion. Feel free to disagree. Hopefully, one day you’ll be able to talk about how the loss of the friendship affected you, rather than discussing her. On that topic though, I am curious about the nice things about her that made you such good friends to begin with.
Response:
BTW-and I do have a habit of posting/replying on impulse-as oppose to thinking about it. Not that I don’t think I know what I think-I wish I wouldn’t say so much or anything at all. Be it positive or negitive thoughts or ramblings (they don’t even have the be thoughts) Paula
Response:
PAdams4232 wrote: > BTW-and I do have a habit of posting/replying on impulse-as oppose to thinking > about it. Not that I don’t think I know what I think-I wish I wouldn’t say so > much or anything at all. Be it positive or negitive thoughts or ramblings (they > don’t even have the be thoughts)
I find those are my best replies. When I sit back and ponder what I want to say, and the messages that I want to give that I get away from what my initial thoughts on the matter really are.
Response:
>>Hopefully, one day you’ll be able to talk about how the loss of the
friendship affected you, rather than discussing her.<< after reading this statement-I just erased everything I was going to write. Because I am discussing the friendship AND her. And when I discuss her-it’s not all that bad is it? >>On that topic though, I am curious about the nice things about her that made
you such good friends to begin with.<< seriously-I could list a lot here. But why? does it matter? when it ended-she said that she "was trying to, unconsiously, mentor me". when it ended she said "let go and move on…I trust that you will" and when I asked her after that-one last question "was I ever a friend? what was I?" she didn’t care to answer. So why should I say the good things? when she didn’t care to tell me? For her reading my site-she knows what good she was and what I thought of the friendship. Granted sometimes I was negitive thinking (on impulse) but generally speaking…I said nothing bad about her or the friendship. And I never could to be honest. Every time the "issues" would come up with ME…I always said things via e-mail-I wouldn’t say it to her, I never could…because I knew it wasn’t HER. I could write a whole shitload of good things about her and the friendship…I honestly don’t have one ILL ounce of feelings for her. I thought of her as my friend. I thought of her like a sister-I’m not close with the sister I had…. but why should I say anything more? when I don’t know hers? not that it has to be a give/take thing but I’m vulnerable…
Response:
>>I find those are my best replies. When I sit back
and ponder what I want to say, and the messages that I want to give that I get away from what my initial thoughts on the matter really are.<< see I get pingpong thoughts- good posting…bad posting….good posting…bad posting/writings/feelings, etc. I can’t say my intial postings is what I want to say-I regret things that I write…they may not be true thoughts (the bad/neg thoughts…which is what I mostly post)-not that I don’t have sour thoughts but usually when I post-it’s on impulse (the bad/neg thoughts/writings) and those impulse may not nec be TODAY’s writings but past ones that were never written down and not nec for the person(s) intended. I swear my head can go BACK so many times. And BACk and TODAY so many times, that I don’t know to write/think and it just so happens to be the bad/neg thoughts-as I think it’s just better…protection for myself to use that. Do people come foward and meet people when they are in a bad/neg mood? no…therfore I’m protected.
Response:
what I feel like singing? Rockwell’s (with Michael Jackson doing chorus) of "Somebody’s Watching Me" Is it okay to sing that? and know that there is? and even responding…secretly? well so thinks one’s doing it secretly? and to express that it has happened before? on another area? can one ask why? even though there may not be an answer? or perhaps I already know the answer and it’s because one doesn’t want another to know that they are? perhaps to get more answers? fear of maybe one would be lying or exagerating if they think they know that they are reading? though everything I say is honest? are they, perhaps, in fear that if they used their real name-that I or someone else they know will think something? or perhaps they think I will say something? am I being paranoid? no. because how can one be paranoid about something that they KNOW is true? I may be paranoid about a lot of things-but this isn’t one. I support one for wanting to know the answers to their question(s) that they may have. I still question though as to why they want to know the answers, if they no longer want to know the person? but than I think to myself that them saying the latter before-doesn’t mean that that’s still the case? things change, people change, thoughts change… is it possible to drop hints without giving it away? do I even want to take the time to create hints to give it away? perhaps not really but know that I’m not slow! One thing you cannot change is the style of typing…no matter how much you try, your natural style comes out. and if you look closely you’ll see it-I pointed it out before-as in a few years ago but than I think that it’s okay, she has her reasons…why? I don’t know-I may never know. But she has them…somewhere. as many people do it on-line. Paula
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