Trauma – PTSD

Question:

hi Still in much pain, but not as bad. (see previous post – year end – sudden surprise (spoiler)  Weird thoughts going through my head.  I can’t see my Therapist  yet, cause I can’t drive yet, nor do I have a ride, nor is the pain subsided enough anyway. Is anyone out there? I feel alone.  Don’t want to write what they are if no one is up to listening, though maybe someone would understand. The dark, weird thoughts that is. I am so tired all the time, but I feel like I should be doing something productive.  Managed to walk up and down stairs today.  Scared me.  I didn’t think I’d make it back up. Instead of asking how are you doing, when he got home yesterday, my husband asked, "What have you been doing?"  that triggers me bad. I can’t even prepare a meal yet.  No lifting for 2 weeks at least.  At least 6 weeks recovery .  "If you can’t lift it with one hand, don’t lift it at all" (Doctor)  Getting up and down hurts.  Need to get my laundry out of dryer.  Can’t carry it or bend over to take them out of the dryer, anyway. Luckily a good friend drove 1 1/2  hours to my house and she washed and dryed my clothes.  I asked family to bring it upstairs… but oh well. Ok, one weird thought: * * * * * * * * * * * * *What if she (the surgeon) took out a "good part" and now it is in amoungst the "bad" ones, somewhere, and it is dark and she is scared.   No, I am not thinking anatomically.   See… weird.   But scary to think about. Call me Sam I Am?

Response:

hi

Hi Sam I Am… You don’t know us…but we’re kinda in the same place…minus the physical pain from surgery.  I just wanted to let you know that I hear you. Still in much pain, but not as bad. (see previous post – year end – sudden surprise (spoiler)

Hopefully, you’re past the worst stuff…and it’s gonna be uphill from here. Weird thoughts going through my head.

When you get a weird thought, try to stop yourself from thinking it.  Easier said that done, I know.  But something like, "I’m not going to think this anymore for now…I’m going to put it away now".  Then when you do see your therapist again, you can bring it back out.  Watch alot of TV, read, do things like that to keep your mind focused. I can’t see my Therapist  yet, cause I can’t drive yet, nor do I have a ride, nor is the

pain subsided enough anyway. How about a phone session?  That’s what ours does when we can’t get there. Is anyone out there? I feel alone.

Yep, I’m out here anyway.  We don’t know each other, but I’m out here.   I am so tired all the time, but I feel like I should be doing something productive.  Managed to walk up and down stairs today.  Scared me.  I didn’t think I’d make it back up.

Been there, done that.  In fact, for the longest time, I just had my room mate move all my stuff downstairs so I didn’t have to trompse up and down the stairs.  I slept in the living room on the couch.  Also, my surgery was a knee reconstruction…so just my leg was wacko…but I often went up and down on my butt.  That was alot easier than trying to hobble up and down when you feel so weak and wobbly.  I know you’re stuff is around your stomache, right?  It might not be as easy for you on your butt as it was for me…but perhaps you could try it? Also…just a reality check here on the "I feel I should be more productive" comment.  You just had S*RGERY….give yourself a break!! *warm smile*  Our bodies are not meant to be messed with in that way…even though sometimes it is needed.  Give your body time to recoup itself before you go beating yourself up over how slow you are moving.. Instead of asking how are you doing, when he got home yesterday, my husband asked, "What have you been doing?"  that triggers me bad.

Couple of comments here. First, if he triggers you…tell him.  You know, honey, that pisses me off. I just had surgery.  Give me a break here. Second, he could have meant that statement in one of three ways (two of them positive): a) What have you been doing, i.e. Are you taking care of yourself?  Are you resting?  Or are you trying to push yourself too much?  I don’t want you to push yourself because I love you and care about you and I want you to get better. b) What have you been doing, i.e. I need to know what you have been doing so that I can gauge for myself how you feel.  I don’t want to ask you to do more than you can…so I need to know where you are in your recovery. c) What have you been doing, i.e. How come you’re still laying around? See how there are three different meanings to that one statement?  Before you jump and say, well he meant the third one, I know.  Think about it. It’s possible he meant all three at the same time.  Sometimes guys are lugs and just make the wrong comment.  Sometimes they’re wonderful.  It’s entirely possible he is feeling frustrated because he doesn’t know how to help you feel better.  Kinda like when a kid is sick, it just makes me want to pull my hair out because I want to make them feel better but I can’t. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Ok, one weird thought: * * * * * * * * * * * * *What if she (the surgeon) took out a "good part" and now it is in amoungst the "bad" ones, somewhere, and it is dark and she is scared.   No, I am not thinking anatomically.   See… weird.   But scary to think about.

These are some of the thoughts I had too after my surgery.  What did the guy do in there?? You know, they’re completely normal because people feel really out of control and scared when someone else puts you under and messes around…you don’t know what he is doing…or all the other people in the room for that matter.  Did he do the right thing?  Am I going to get better? My thoughts on that thought are as follows:  there is no way he could’ve taken out a "good part" because your body wouldn’t be able to function without it.   A doctor can’t just take out a kidney or a lung…you would know…your body would know.  Also, org*ns don’t have feelings.  They are inanimate objects.  Good parts are parts that function like they are supposed to in your body.  Bad parts are parts that don’t and cause problems. I hope this helps somehow…it kinda helped me to sit down and write it…and I wrote alot more than I planned on.  Hang in there and take care of yourself.  Please don’t push yourself too hard. Sincerely, skysail

Response:

Thank you so much for your letter.   I will read it again and probably again as I feel better.  And I will write more later.  Thanks again so much.  I feel so much less alone.  It helped a lot. I am trying not to push too hard physicaly and mentally. Sam I Am – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I hope this helps somehow…it kinda helped me to sit down and write it…and I wrote alot more than I planned on.  Hang in there and take care of yourself.  Please don’t push yourself too hard. Sincerely, skysail

Response:

hmmm i seem to remember talking to a Sam I Am on irc recently are you she maybe? yes is ok to cry it helps let the goodness out i think and no, it doesnt smuge the letters on a screen it just makes them go all *sparkly* <giggle im glad you are here among freinds iain (a bear of little brain) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I don’t know why exactly, but when I read your post my first response was a smile.  I was going to just write *smile* to you.  But now I am crying and I am mot even sure why.  Just lots of tears.  Maybe that is "good"?  Least tears don’t smug computer messages.  Do they? Sam I Am

Response:

Crying sounds like a very natural reaction. Surgery of any kind is a loss and involves a mourning process and a healing process. But all that is good in you is still there. Try to be gentle and soothing to yourself. -Nancy

Response:

I don’t know why exactly, but when I read your post my first response was a smile.  I was going to just write *smile* to you.  But now I am crying and I am mot even sure why.  Just lots of tears.  Maybe that is "good"?  Least tears don’t smug computer messages.  Do they? Sam I Am – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – hello Sam I Am reading your posts i know for certain that the surgeon left all the best bits in try and take things easy as healing takes time  relax and enjoy the not doing much, im sure you will make up for it later on iain (a bear of little brain)

Response:

hello Sam I Am reading your posts i know for certain that the surgeon left all the best bits in try and take things easy as healing takes time  relax and enjoy the not doing much, im sure you will make up for it later on iain (a bear of little brain)

Response:

No!!  The good part is safe.  The self saves the good part – no one can get to it.  That’s why we’re all okay.  Really okay, I mean, and not just looney.  The good part is safe. Glad that pain is better.  Can you talk to counselor on telephone?  Have telephone session?  Or get someone to drive you?  Keep being careful.  I hope you can keep being careful. Beauty. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – hi Still in much pain, but not as bad. (see previous post – year end – sudden surprise (spoiler)  Weird thoughts going through my head.  I can’t see my Therapist  yet, cause I can’t drive yet, nor do I have a ride, nor is the pain subsided enough anyway. Is anyone out there? I feel alone.  Don’t want to write what they are if no one is up to listening, though maybe someone would understand. The dark, weird thoughts that is. I am so tired all the time, but I feel like I should be doing something productive.  Managed to walk up and down stairs today.  Scared me.  I didn’t think I’d make it back up. Instead of asking how are you doing, when he got home yesterday, my husband asked, "What have you been doing?"  that triggers me bad. I can’t even prepare a meal yet.  No lifting for 2 weeks at least.  At least 6 weeks recovery .  "If you can’t lift it with one hand, don’t lift it at all" (Doctor)  Getting up and down hurts.  Need to get my laundry out of dryer.  Can’t carry it or bend over to take them out of the dryer, anyway. Luckily a good friend drove 1 1/2  hours to my house and she washed and dryed my clothes.  I asked family to bring it upstairs… but oh well. Ok, one weird thought: * * * * * * * * * * * * *What if she (the surgeon) took out a "good part" and now it is in amoungst the "bad" ones, somewhere, and it is dark and she is scared.   No, I am not thinking anatomically.   See… weird.   But scary to think about. Call me Sam I Am?

Response:

sam i am i  want to rspoend to the first post aht   you asked why people did not anser w but this ais as close ads i can get to it i think i had siome hard tiems gettign better and with dissing and deprsession after some srgryt i had one tiem but i didn’t even knwo what was going on in my head then and i just thought i had a brain tumore,, really i thought that because of big migraine haeadaches all of a suddent and periosds of confusion and then for about two weeks my doctor tried to make me believe i had a brain tumor and wanted me to go have an operation but finally i got the wrihgt tests and stuuf and in the end i got thrpy and my t and soem neruologists after losts of picutress of my brain and two eegs said i have d id  and now my t taught me soem ways to make the headaches topstop and it turns out that they come when insiders try to get out and or they thery to talk to me and i don’t listent or let them out and sometiems because of disagreementst between us.  i still think it is werida that i have more than one personality or that morea than one i lvies in the body with me and i can’t get used to it feven if it makes sense and expalaints a lot of gheintgs that i didn’t understand and it sometiems it still don’t even beoieve it.  but. i am tryignt o stop talking now tirlll

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – hi Hi Sam I Am… You don’t know us…but we’re kinda in the same place…minus the physical pain from surgery.  I just wanted to let you know that I hear you. Still in much pain, but not as bad. (see previous post – year end – sudden surprise (spoiler) Hopefully, you’re past the worst stuff…and it’s gonna be uphill from here. Weird thoughts going through my head. When you get a weird thought, try to stop yourself from thinking it. Easier said that done, I know.  But something like, "I’m not going to think this anymore for now…I’m going to put it away now".  Then when you do see your therapist again, you can bring it back out.  Watch alot of TV, read, do things like that to keep your mind focused. I can’t see my Therapist  yet, cause I can’t drive yet, nor do I have a ride, nor is the pain subsided enough anyway. How about a phone session?  That’s what ours does when we can’t get there. Is anyone out there? I feel alone. Yep, I’m out here anyway.  We don’t know each other, but I’m out here.   I am so tired all the time, but I feel like I should be doing something productive.  Managed to walk up and down stairs today.  Scared me.  I didn’t think I’d make it back up. Been there, done that.  In fact, for the longest time, I just had my room mate move all my stuff downstairs so I didn’t have to trompse up and down the stairs.  I slept in the living room on the couch.  Also, my surgery was a knee reconstruction…so just my leg was wacko…but I often went up and down on my butt.  That was alot easier than trying to hobble up and down when you feel so weak and wobbly.  I know you’re stuff is around your stomache, right?  It might not be as easy for you on your butt as it was for me…but perhaps you could try it? Also…just a reality check here on the "I feel I should be more productive" comment.  You just had S*RGERY….give yourself a break!! *warm smile* Our bodies are not meant to be messed with in that way…even though sometimes it is needed.  Give your body time to recoup itself before you go beating yourself up over how slow you are moving.. Instead of asking how are you doing, when he got home yesterday, my husband asked, "What have you been doing?"  that triggers me bad. Couple of comments here. First, if he triggers you…tell him.  You know, honey, that pisses me off. I just had surgery.  Give me a break here. Second, he could have meant that statement in one of three ways (two of them positive): a) What have you been doing, i.e. Are you taking care of yourself?  Are you resting?  Or are you trying to push yourself too much?  I don’t want you to push yourself because I love you and care about you and I want you to get better. b) What have you been doing, i.e. I need to know what you have been doing so that I can gauge for myself how you feel.  I don’t want to ask you to do more than you can…so I need to know where you are in your recovery. c) What have you been doing, i.e. How come you’re still laying around? See how there are three different meanings to that one statement?  Before you jump and say, well he meant the third one, I know.  Think about it. It’s possible he meant all three at the same time.  Sometimes guys are lugs and just make the wrong comment.  Sometimes they’re wonderful.  It’s entirely possible he is feeling frustrated because he doesn’t know how to help you feel better.  Kinda like when a kid is sick, it just makes me want to pull my hair out because I want to make them feel better but I can’t. Ok, one weird thought: * * * * * * * * * * * * *What if she (the surgeon) took out a "good part" and now it is in amoungst the "bad" ones, somewhere, and it is dark and she is scared.   No, I am not thinking anatomically.   See… weird.   But scary to think about. These are some of the thoughts I had too after my surgery.  What did the guy do in there?? You know, they’re completely normal because people feel really out of control and scared when someone else puts you under and messes around…you don’t know what he is doing…or all the other people in the room for that matter.  Did he do the right thing?  Am I going to get better? My thoughts on that thought are as follows:  there is no way he could’ve taken out a "good part" because your body wouldn’t be able to function without it.   A doctor can’t just take out a kidney or a lung…you would know…your body would know.  Also, org*ns don’t have feelings.  They are inanimate objects.  Good parts are parts that function like they are supposed to in your body.  Bad parts are parts that don’t and cause problems. I hope this helps somehow…it kinda helped me to sit down and write it…and I wrote alot more than I planned on.  Hang in there and take care of yourself.  Please don’t push yourself too hard. Sincerely, skysail

Response:

Original heading was "Year beginning – year end" sam i am i  want to rspoend to the first post aht   you asked why people did not anser w but this ais as close ads i can get to it i think

trill I call them "surpression" headaches now, cause I now realize (not always right away) that others are trying to come out or communicate and if I am totally afraid or against the idea the headaches become terrible and I sometimes end up just going to sleep.  I don’t want to be multiple anymore. I keep making myself think "Okay, you have done this long enough! Stop it!" But it doesn’t work.  And my anxiety goes sky high. now my t taught me soem ways to make the headaches topstop and it turns out that they come when insiders try to get out and or they thery to talk to me and i don’t listent or let them out and sometiems because of disagreementst between us. i still think it is werida that i have more than one personality or that morea than one i lvies in the body with me and i can’t get used to it feven if it makes sense and expalaints a lot of gheintgs that i didn’t understand and it sometiems it still don’t even beoieve it.  but.

I don’t want to believe it either, and I have had lots of people see me "switched" and tell me things I don’t know I did, plus many different professionals give me the same stupid DX : DID/PTSD.  When will it end?  It is so frustrating. Guess I am saying I hear what you are saying Sam I Am – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -i am tryignt o stop talking now tirlll hi Hi Sam I Am… You don’t know us…but we’re kinda in the same place…minus the physical pain from surgery.  I just wanted to let you know that I hear you. Still in much pain, but not as bad. (see previous post – year end – sudden surprise (spoiler) Hopefully, you’re past the worst stuff…and it’s gonna be uphill from here. Weird thoughts going through my head. When you get a weird thought, try to stop yourself from thinking it. Easier said that done, I know.  But something like, "I’m not going to think this anymore for now…I’m going to put it away now".  Then when you do see your therapist again, you can bring it back out.  Watch alot of TV, read, do things like that to keep your mind focused. I can’t see my Therapist  yet, cause I can’t drive yet, nor do I have a ride, nor is the pain subsided enough anyway. How about a phone session?  That’s what ours does when we can’t get there. Is anyone out there? I feel alone. Yep, I’m out here anyway.  We don’t know each other, but I’m out here.   I am so tired all the time, but I feel like I should be doing something productive.  Managed to walk up and down stairs today.  Scared me.  I didn’t think I’d make it back up. Been there, done that.  In fact, for the longest time, I just had my room mate move all my stuff downstairs so I didn’t have to trompse up and down the stairs.  I slept in the living room on the couch.  Also, my surgery was a knee reconstruction…so just my leg was wacko…but I often went up and down on my butt.  That was alot easier than trying to hobble up and down when you feel so weak and wobbly.  I know you’re stuff is around your stomache, right?  It might not be as easy for you on your butt as it was for me…but perhaps you could try it? Also…just a reality check here on the "I feel I should be more productive" comment.  You just had S*RGERY….give yourself a break!! *warm smile* Our bodies are not meant to be messed with in that way…even though sometimes it is needed.  Give your body time to recoup itself before you go beating yourself up over how slow you are moving.. Instead of asking how are you doing, when he got home yesterday, my husband asked, "What have you been doing?"  that triggers me bad. Couple of comments here. First, if he triggers you…tell him.  You know, honey, that pisses me off. I just had surgery.  Give me a break here. Second, he could have meant that statement in one of three ways (two of them positive): a) What have you been doing, i.e. Are you taking care of yourself?  Are you resting?  Or are you trying to push yourself too much?  I don’t want you to push yourself because I love you and care about you and I want you to get better. b) What have you been doing, i.e. I need to know what you have been doing so that I can gauge for myself how you feel.  I don’t want to ask you to do more than you can…so I need to know where you are in your recovery. c) What have you been doing, i.e. How come you’re still laying around? See how there are three different meanings to that one statement?  Before you jump and say, well he meant the third one, I know.  Think about it. It’s possible he meant all three at the same time.  Sometimes guys are lugs and just make the wrong comment.  Sometimes they’re wonderful.  It’s entirely possible he is feeling frustrated because he doesn’t know how to help you feel better.  Kinda like when a kid is sick, it just makes me want to pull my hair out because I want to make them feel better but I can’t. Ok, one weird thought: * * * * * * * * * * * * *What if she (the surgeon) took out a "good part" and now it is in amoungst the "bad" ones, somewhere, and it is dark and she is scared.   No, I am not thinking anatomically.   See… weird.   But scary to think about. These are some of the thoughts I had too after my surgery.  What did the guy do in there?? You know, they’re completely normal because people feel really out of control and scared when someone else puts you under and messes around…you don’t know what he is doing…or all the other people in the room for that matter.  Did he do the right thing?  Am I going to get better? My thoughts on that thought are as follows:  there is no way he could’ve taken out a "good part" because your body wouldn’t be able to function without it.   A doctor can’t just take out a kidney or a lung…you would know…your body would know.  Also, org*ns don’t have feelings.  They are inanimate objects.  Good parts are parts that function like they are supposed to in your body.  Bad parts are parts that don’t and cause problems. I hope this helps somehow…it kinda helped me to sit down and write it…and I wrote alot more than I planned on.  Hang in there and take care of yourself.  Please don’t push yourself too hard. Sincerely, skysail

Response:

hi iain (Norbert) What is irc?  It could have been me, but I can’t figure out the initials, so maybe not. "Sparky"  hee hee. Made me smile. I am still in pain (physically) cause of the surgery, but it is lessening. So why does the emotional pain have to move right in and take it’s place? Retorical question… who knows anyway. Sparkly monitor…. I like that.  No smudges.    Just will try not to drip over the keyboard… Don’t want that getting "sparkly"  Thanks for being there.  It helps somehow, doesn’t it? Sam I Am… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – hmmm i seem to remember talking to a Sam I Am on irc recently are you she maybe? yes is ok to cry it helps let the goodness out i think and no, it doesnt smuge the letters on a screen it just makes them go all *sparkly* <giggle im glad you are here among freinds iain (a bear of little brain) I don’t know why exactly, but when I read your post my first response was a smile.  I was going to just write *smile* to you.  But now I am crying and I am mot even sure why.  Just lots of tears.  Maybe that is "good"?  Least tears don’t smug computer messages.  Do they? Sam I Am

Response:

hi iain (Norbert) What is irc?  It could have been me, but I can’t figure out the initials, so maybe not.

is a faster version of newsgroups it is realtime messaging where you are on a channel with ppl typing to them as they are typing to you "Sparky"  hee hee. Made me smile. "sparkly"  Thanks for being there.  It helps somehow, doesn’t it? Sam I Am…

yes it does to be among ppl who often know without your needing to explain, cause they have been there too it helps to know you are among friends iain (a bear of little brain)

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