Question:
Why does she stay in this abusive relationship? Why did she stay after the first time he hurt her? He didn’t say he was sorry. He just went on like nothing had happened. She decided, "I’ll just be more careful and not anger him again." Is that why she stayed? Does she believe it’s her fault when he acts unkindly or hurtful to her? Does she believe that if she’s *really* *really* good that he won’t be mean again? Is she so afraid of being alone and having nobody to care for her, that she’d settle for any kind of relationship no matter how uneven the match is? Is it really worth all the compromises she has to make of her own self, of lowering her own standards and values to keep him in her life? Is she so unloving and unlovable that there is nobody in the whole wide world but him to love her? Is what he gives her really love? Or is it abuse disquised as love because he knows no other way to show it? Why does she stay and quietly submit when he slings verbal assaults and calls her disparaging names? Does she think she deserves it? Does she think she can reform him if she stays long enough, acts good enough, or talks persuasive enough, that he’ll stop hurting her? Why does she stay and wait for him when he leaves her? Why doesn’t she start her life over with someone else? Or why can’t she be content with her own company? Must she always have a man in it to be happy and content? Is life without a man in it so unbearable that she’d degrade all that she holds precious just to keep him? Why is she so happy when he comes back? Is it the fond memories that keep her going? Does she think she doesn’t deserve anything better? Does she immediately forget all the hurt, anguish and anger she felt when he left? Does she forget that she was almost ready to stand on her own two feet when he came back, and now she’s back to square one if he leaves her again? Why? Why, cherish? Why do you do it? {cherish} a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
Cherish, This is a very insightful post. Having been in the same situation, I had to respond. I am using a new computer for the first time, so if twwells gives me a new anon number, I want you to know that this is from Forest. I haven’t posted in a long time. Why does she stay in this abusive relationship? Why did she stay after the first time he hurt her? He didn’t say he was sorry. He just went on like nothing had happened.
Maybe she stayed because she was used to abuse. She can get used to being treated with respect and come to expect the respect she deserves from people, also. She decided, "I’ll just be more careful and not anger him again." Is that why she stayed? Does she believe it’s her fault when he acts unkindly or hurtful to her? Does she believe that if she’s *really* *really* good that he won’t be mean again?
Maybe this is easier to believe because it puts the control on her side instead of his. He is responsible for his abusive behavior. He is the only one who can stop the behavior. All Cherish can do is decide whether or not she will allow herself to be treated in such a manner. Is she so afraid of being alone and having nobody to care for her, that she’d settle for any kind of relationship no matter how uneven the match is?
As a child it was all-important to have a parent who would care for you and love you. These are "little" feelings. As an adult Cherish can learn to love herself, take care of herself and develop a network of friends who will respect and care for her. Is it really worth all the compromises she has to make of her own self, of lowering her own standards and values to keep him in her life?
The answer for me was a resounding "NO". I finally realized that even though it hurt tremendously to leave, I just really didn’t want to be with him anymore. Is she so unloving and unlovable that there is nobody in the whole wide world but him to love her? Is what he gives her really love?
Cherish doesn’t have to submit to abuse to be loved. She is loving and loveable. Or is it abuse disquised as love because he knows no other way to show it? Why does she stay and quietly submit when he slings verbal assaults and calls her disparaging names? Does she think she deserves it? Does she think she can reform him if she stays long enough, acts good enough, or talks persuasive enough, that he’ll stop hurting her? Why does she stay and wait for him when he leaves her? Why doesn’t she start her life over with someone else? Or why can’t she be content with her own company? Must she always have a man in it to be happy and content? Is life without a man in it so unbearable that she’d degrade all that she holds precious just to keep him? Why is she so happy when he comes back? Is it the fond memories that keep her going?
That’s the thing about abusive lovers. It’s not all abuse or we wouldn’t have gotten together with them in the first place. I am learning to respect and love myself enough to believe that I don’t have to put up with abuse to be loved. I had to leave in order to develop this perspective. I just got beaten down too much while I was in the relationship. Does she think she doesn’t deserve anything better? Does she immediately forget all the hurt, anguish and anger she felt when he left? Does she forget that she was almost ready to stand on her own two feet when he came back, and now she’s back to square one if he leaves her again? Why? Why, cherish? Why do you do it?
Reminds me of the story of the person who keeps falling in the hole. Do you know the one? The person keeps falling in the hole over and over again but eventually they learn to avoid the hole. I believe that eventually Cherish will be able to leave. When I left my life got so much better. I would never go back. I don’t miss his love at all. I love being by myself and having control over my life and not being beaten down all the time. It was worth all the pain and anguish it took to leave. I also remember that leaving was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Sending you strength to get what you want, need and deserve. You are worth it. Forest {cherish} a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
– For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
I can understand how glad she is that he returned. I know this feeling too. I don’t know how to describe it. The feeling of belonging? It is very hard to escape from that. I can understand that this feeling kind of brings her back to square one. Part of me is glad that she is glad that he did return. It feels not right to be abandoned by someone you belong to. I know when you really love someone you keep making up excuses for his behavior. Forgiving is an important part of love, isn’t it? It is never easy to know to what extend forgiveness is right. Do you think it is possible that this time she will manage to set bounderies? (I remember you asked what they were. Perhaps with help from Dr T?) And if he will trespass them that she will be able to leave *him* (in the best interest of all involved) ? That will be so much better for her self esteem I think. I know it is very hard. Those are very good questions you asked. I bet cherish knows all the answers too. I know this feeling of belonging can be so strong 
Wishing you all a lot of strength and wisdom. ~hazy~ – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Why does she stay in this abusive relationship? Why did she stay after the first time he hurt her? He didn’t say he was sorry. He just went on like nothing had happened. She decided, "I’ll just be more careful and not anger him again." Is that why she stayed? Does she believe it’s her fault when he acts unkindly or hurtful to her? Does she believe that if she’s *really* *really* good that he won’t be mean again? Is she so afraid of being alone and having nobody to care for her, that she’d settle for any kind of relationship no matter how uneven the match is? Is it really worth all the compromises she has to make of her own self, of lowering her own standards and values to keep him in her life? Is she so unloving and unlovable that there is nobody in the whole wide world but him to love her? Is what he gives her really love? Or is it abuse disquised as love because he knows no other way to show it? Why does she stay and quietly submit when he slings verbal assaults and calls her disparaging names? Does she think she deserves it? Does she think she can reform him if she stays long enough, acts good enough, or talks persuasive enough, that he’ll stop hurting her? Why does she stay and wait for him when he leaves her? Why doesn’t she start her life over with someone else? Or why can’t she be content with her own company? Must she always have a man in it to be happy and content? Is life without a man in it so unbearable that she’d degrade all that she holds precious just to keep him? Why is she so happy when he comes back? Is it the fond memories that keep her going? Does she think she doesn’t deserve anything better? Does she immediately forget all the hurt, anguish and anger she felt when he left? Does she forget that she was almost ready to stand on her own two feet when he came back, and now she’s back to square one if he leaves her again? Why? Why, cherish? Why do you do it? {cherish} a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
– For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
Chrish we only writes now because we only see today but we want’s to say how mchwe care don’t want you hrtings – we can only wrirte lttle, ew don’t konw wy – because mahby bigs not say it wright, but we care its all we can say so we also amazed you say so mch, oh chers we remembesr when you firist came, you were so fraid of saying anything,s remmber? you gotes strongesr – take cares, takes cares – dbbbeautys – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Why does she stay in this abusive relationship? Why did she stay after the first time he hurt her? He didn’t say he was sorry. He just went on like nothing had happened. She decided, "I’ll just be more careful and not anger him again." Is that why she stayed? Does she believe it’s her fault when he acts unkindly or hurtful to her? Does she believe that if she’s *really* *really* good that he won’t be mean again? Is she so afraid of being alone and having nobody to care for her, that she’d settle for any kind of relationship no matter how uneven the match is? Is it really worth all the compromises she has to make of her own self, of lowering her own standards and values to keep him in her life? Is she so unloving and unlovable that there is nobody in the whole wide world but him to love her? Is what he gives her really love? Or is it abuse disquised as love because he knows no other way to show it? Why does she stay and quietly submit when he slings verbal assaults and calls her disparaging names? Does she think she deserves it? Does she think she can reform him if she stays long enough, acts good enough, or talks persuasive enough, that he’ll stop hurting her? Why does she stay and wait for him when he leaves her? Why doesn’t she start her life over with someone else? Or why can’t she be content with her own company? Must she always have a man in it to be happy and content? Is life without a man in it so unbearable that she’d degrade all that she holds precious just to keep him? Why is she so happy when he comes back? Is it the fond memories that keep her going? Does she think she doesn’t deserve anything better? Does she immediately forget all the hurt, anguish and anger she felt when he left? Does she forget that she was almost ready to stand on her own two feet when he came back, and now she’s back to square one if he leaves her again? Why? Why, cherish? Why do you do it? {cherish} a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z
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Response:
cherish, The answer for me was so simple, I loved him. Why did I leave someone that I loved so much? Because as I was getting stronger, the v*ol*ence escalated. He kept me under control by many methods. I have a dear friend that I keep in contact from time to time who had a similar marriage. Neither one of us would talk bad about our now ex-husbands when we were married to them. We were good wives. We both were very supportive of our husbands, but we both intuitively knew that the other was in trouble. We only gave each other the most subtle hints, that no one else would have been able to decipher. I finally left when my ex started eyeing his weapons, anytime I did something that he did not like ( which was almost all of the time). My friend, she left when her husband tied her up and beat her until she was unrecognizable. A few weeks later she escaped with her beautiful daughter who was only six months old then, and she never looked back. That was seven years ago for her, and just in the last year has she been able to date again. Guess what Cherish? She found a wonderful man who thinks so much of her, and she’s happy. A couple of years ago, we started to compare notes, hardly any difference. She would say something like " Didn’t you hate it when the mail came?" Oh yes, I did. We were both in trouble if anything came in the mail that might tr*gger the hubby into rage. Until last year she talked in a spacey soft kind of way. She could not connect the dots in her world,PTSD to the max. Now she is still very soft spoken and sweet, but there is clarity in her words that was missing before. She is willing to take risks now, where before she shut out all but the most vunerable of souls. Cherish, she is one of the nicest individuals that I have ever met in my life. She would have to have a large heart and a tenderness not found in all women to be able to live with a man (who is exceptionally talented and very intelligent) who could hurt such a beautiful soul such as the one that she possesses. Cherish, a piece of advice that I want you to take heed of: Please be careful as you get stronger, and don’t wait until the last second to save yourself like my friend and I did. He can’t take away what makes you so special and what other people find as a treasure. Take care Cherish, if you ever need any help my door is open. andregide
Response:
one day cherish,, one day u will wake up an realize that you *are* strong enough to put an end to the abuse from him… the brave act of writing this post is one of the things that will add strength to your move to end the abuse.. i went thru a strange yet exciting transformation beginning january 1997. asking myself the very same questions that you ask yourself. by march i let the sh*t hit the fan,, an our lives changed forever. who knows cherish,, maybe your SO will get his act together once he realizes that you will be gone forever if he doesnt change. maybe he wont get his act together and you two will break up. but by the time you put an end to the abusive unacceptable behavior from him, you will be sooooooo much stronger that you will be ready willing and able to make it on your own.. take care and good luck in your quest for the just and righful, non-abusive existance that you deserve… mary/inspace – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Why does she stay in this abusive relationship? Why did she stay after the first time he hurt her? He didn’t say he was sorry. He just went on like nothing had happened. She decided, "I’ll just be more careful and not anger him again."
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