Trauma – PTSD

Question:

Hi patricia and ??????.  Welcome. I also don’t lose time, but like you mentioned, the inner folks are really good to fall back on when things are stressful. The other night I was talking to my husband more openly about my "many-ness", and I confessed that someone inside had informned me that I was only a creation of the system, around the time I left home.  I was brought into this world at age 17 to 18 to be a suitable "front" person who wouldn’t lose time, and who would be able to tell you what I had for supper last night, and what I did the week before etc. His eyes opened wide, and he said "Oooh!  That explains it."  We had been dating since my last year of high school.  When we went to the same college, that’s when we spent a lot of time together, and that’s when we had a big fight.  While I was in the process of being created by the inners, he was trying to keep up with all my varied responses to the same thing throughout the day.  He said it was like I was never the same person for more than two hours. Instead of just dating for a few hours in the evening, he saw me at breakfast in the cafeteria, shared a few courses with me, saw me for lunch, etc.  At any rate, being a much more concrete and established person now, I had forgotten that I had been any other way, until he reminded me. In my spectrum of dissociation, I get all the information about daily tasks, and any non-threatening memories of my past are mine, with some sort of inner filing system open to my recall.  I don’t lose time either, because I mostly manage to be present throughout the day with the assistance of inners who share their collective energy with me. As memories of abuse come up, I also can recall those things too.  I’m not always sure if that’s a good or bad thing.  I’m glad to hear the Censor will be taking it easier on you.  I know how hard it is to get a shot of bad memories like that. I guess everyone has a different way of dissociating.  Like you, I ruled out fitting into a many person category, because I didn’t lose time.  But the spectrum thing seems to include all sorts of ways to be many. Janice & co.

Response:

Hi patricia and ??????.  Welcome.

Hi! <chorus I also don’t lose time, but like you mentioned, the inner folks are really good to fall back on when things are stressful.

It appears so. The other night I was talking to my husband more openly about my "many-ness", and I confessed that someone inside had informned me that I was only a creation of the system, around the time I left home.  I was brought into this world at age 17 to 18 to be a suitable "front" person who wouldn’t lose time, and who would be able to tell you what I had for supper last night, and what I did the week before etc.

I am thinking back on the times when I have suddenly changed my name, and moved, and did something completely different with my life all at once, suddenly. I guess the "patricia" started when I gave up being a ski bum to move back to the SFBA and start studying engineering. When I was little I was "Patty" and recently, like in the last two days, I have finally been able to see this little "Patty" inside of me. I’ve really been missing her for many many years. But she is hiding in a corner and feels very hurt and has red eyes. This is weird! She is still missing because I can’t feel any of her emotions or experiences. She won’t talk at all.  I just know suddenly that she is there. I have been looking for her for many years. Even before I started recovery and before I ever heard of PTSD or dissoc., I used to lie awake at night sometimes wondering where the little girl went who I used to be. I felt somebody was missing. It was really bothering me for a while, even before I started this weird recovery business. Hmmmm….. -patricia etc.

Response:

Related Posts