Question:
Probably oughta be spoilered for language and godknowswhat before I’m done. When I got out of college in 1992, I returned home to an area with 20 precent or more unemployment. The major industry was in the tank, and all the displaced people were competing for jobs. I remember once three jobs for $7 an hour opened up at a new supermarket. There were over 300 applications. It took all day to go through tthe process. The competition was fierce and lots of people were swept into bad jobs or periods of prolonged unemployment. Me included. I worked as a sub teacher because the jobs for which I was qualified were scarce, and McDonald’s wasn’t hiring people with b.s. degrees. Naturally, this work was a nightmare. For years I worked lousy jobs, or decent jobs that didn’t pay the bills. I became something of a coyote in my mid-20s. I learned a lot about survival off the relative fat of the land. I saw the sun come up at a card table many times. The "unemployment poker game." Believe it or not, the unemployed and the destitute will indeed bet their last dime. Why not? You haven’t got enough to pay the bills anyway. People without much to lose can take lots of risks. They say the lottery is a tax on poor people. And, people can;t figure out why they buy the tickets. Believe me, I know. It doesn’t make sense, but I know. Naturally, I dealt with depression throughout this, not even knowing what it was, really. Thiings got slightly better, but I couldn’t hold it together for long. A major depressive episode hit, and it set me back. The uphill climb became a downhill slide. I pulled it together enough to figure out that I needed a vast change. I applied to grad. school in hope I could find the change I needed. I did, for a while… A year ago, I lost my finding in grad. school (through no fault of my own, just bad luck– an administration change. The new regime decided to apply a ruel that masters level students could only get 2 years of funding. Trouble is, they applied it to those already in the program, so lots of us lost our funding when we had ben relying on having it for three years instead of two. Upshot is, I wound up unemployed again. This was last summer.. I was already fighting another round with the beast, and unemployment+time on your hands+less than supportive friends who don’t seem to care when you have nothing material to offer equals the beast winning. At least for a while. I wound up in a miserable mall job, back home with the p’s (no choice–either that or the street), and barely able to face the world. I found myself in asd around that time. I literally swan-dived into asd against my relatively shy nature, hoping that I would somehow be caught. I was– not in the way I expected, but I was, and I will be forever grateful. I am not sure where I’d be. Would I be filling a grave? i don’t know. I moved on up– to a basically ful-time job at a library that paid part-time wages. Not much better, but the depression was beginning to ease. Stayed here six months and got better–very gradually. Then, of course, I got my current job at the paper, which I love and which I appear to have a talent for. I am so afraid it will all be taken away. they will uncover me for a fraud. or, I will fuck it up somehow. I have become so conditioned to failure and disappointment that little setbacks or rookie mistakes that I know rationally I am supposed to make just CRUSH me. I made one today– a rookie error.I can’t say what, partly b/c it is complicated, and partly just because… I am so depserate as a result I don’t know what to do. I know rationally that people do worse things and get by, but I am too fatalist for that in my heart. My heart tells me different. I can’t afford to fuck up, even a little. I don’t think it is a huge mistake, but it sure feels huge. I want so depreately for this to work. I am ready to establish my independence again. I am doing so well. Don’t take it away from me. Not yet. Sorry this is so long and senseless. Eric When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. –Hunter S. thompson
Response:
Not long and Not senseless. What a wonderfully written post. I am sorry for all your setbacks. I don’t have much to offer though because I know even with the things I do (I don’t work) if I screw up I am kicking myself from one end of the house to the other and wanting to crawl in a hole. I don’t know why we are so hard on ourselves. I hope you can ease up a bit and relax. Yeah Yeah I say that to you when I can’t even do that myself. I just wish better things for everyone else because I know I surely can’t do it right. <smile You take care. I just wanted to send a little bit of support your way and to let you know that I read what you wrote and understood. Take care. Becky "I have seen the sea when it is stormy and wild; when it is quiet and serene; when it is dark and moody. And in all its moods, I see myself." -Martin Buxbaum
Response:
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<gentle snip : that little setbacks or rookie mistakes that I know rationally I am : supposed to make just CRUSH me. I made one today– a rookie : error.I can’t say what, partly b/c it is complicated, and partly just : because… : : I am so depserate as a result I don’t know what to do. I know : rationally that people do worse things and get by, but I am too : fatalist for that in my heart. My heart tells me different. I can’t : afford to fuck up, even a little. I don’t think it is a huge mistake, : but it sure feels huge. I want so depreately for this to work. I am : ready to establish my independence again. I am doing so well. Don’t : take it away from me. Not yet. : : Sorry this is so long and senseless. : : Eric : (((((((eric))))))) everything will be fine… just keep believing in yourself! hold on with all your might, don’t give into those negative thoughts.. everyone makes mistakes… including the ones teaching you the ropes. keep trying… donna — ~ the truth of the matter is far more revealing it’s a permanent reminder of a temporary feeling ~ http://www.geocities.com/Broadway/Booth/9337 ASD Birthday Book http://www.geocities.com/asdbday/ don’t forget to sign the guestbook! : When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. : –Hunter S. thompson
Response:
Not long and Not senseless. What a wonderfully written post. I am sorry for all your setbacks. I don’t have much to offer though because I know even with the things I do (I don’t work) if I screw up I am kicking myself from one end of the house to the other and wanting to crawl in a hole. I don’t know why we are so hard on ourselves.
I think we are conditioned to behard on ourselves. I hope you can ease up a bit and relax. Yeah Yeah I say that to you when I can’t even do that myself. I just wish better things for everyone else because I know I surely can’t do it right. <smile
I am the same. i can see when people need to be easy on themselves and permit themselves to be human. I can’t see it in myself, though. You take care. I just wanted to send a little bit of support your way and to let you know that I read what you wrote and understood. Take care. Becky Thank you Becky.
Eric When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. –Hunter S. thompson
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – — <gentle snip : that little setbacks or rookie mistakes that I know rationally I am : supposed to make just CRUSH me. I made one today– a rookie : error.I can’t say what, partly b/c it is complicated, and partly just : because… : : I am so depserate as a result I don’t know what to do. I know : rationally that people do worse things and get by, but I am too : fatalist for that in my heart. My heart tells me different. I can’t : afford to fuck up, even a little. I don’t think it is a huge mistake, : but it sure feels huge. I want so depreately for this to work. I am : ready to establish my independence again. I am doing so well. Don’t : take it away from me. Not yet. : : Sorry this is so long and senseless. : : Eric : (((((((eric))))))) everything will be fine… just keep believing in yourself! hold on with all your might, don’t give into those negative thoughts.. everyone makes mistakes… including the ones teaching you the ropes. keep trying… donna —
((((((Donna))))) If I can make it through this week… I’ve ben doing better, confidence-wise. I am trying not to slip. I know the journey will be up and down, and I am ready for it. I just hope I can remember that when I need to.. Eric When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. –Hunter S. thompson
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Probably oughta be spoilered for language and godknowswhat before I’m done. When I got out of college in 1992, I returned home to an area with 20 precent or more unemployment. The major industry was in the tank, and all the displaced people were competing for jobs. I remember once three jobs for $7 an hour opened up at a new supermarket. There were over 300 applications. It took all day to go through tthe process. The competition was fierce and lots of people were swept into bad jobs or periods of prolonged unemployment. Me included. I worked as a sub teacher because the jobs for which I was qualified were scarce, and McDonald’s wasn’t hiring people with b.s. degrees. Naturally, this work was a nightmare. For years I worked lousy jobs, or decent jobs that didn’t pay the bills. I became something of a coyote in my mid-20s. I learned a lot about survival off the relative fat of the land. I saw the sun come up at a card table many times. The "unemployment poker game." Believe it or not, the unemployed and the destitute will indeed bet their last dime. Why not? You haven’t got enough to pay the bills anyway. People without much to lose can take lots of risks. They say the lottery is a tax on poor people. And, people can;t figure out why they buy the tickets. Believe me, I know. It doesn’t make sense, but I know. Naturally, I dealt with depression throughout this, not even knowing what it was, really. Thiings got slightly better, but I couldn’t hold it together for long. A major depressive episode hit, and it set me back. The uphill climb became a downhill slide. I pulled it together enough to figure out that I needed a vast change. I applied to grad. school in hope I could find the change I needed. I did, for a while… A year ago, I lost my finding in grad. school (through no fault of my own, just bad luck– an administration change. The new regime decided to apply a ruel that masters level students could only get 2 years of funding. Trouble is, they applied it to those already in the program, so lots of us lost our funding when we had ben relying on having it for three years instead of two. Upshot is, I wound up unemployed again. This was last summer.. I was already fighting another round with the beast, and unemployment+time on your hands+less than supportive friends who don’t seem to care when you have nothing material to offer equals the beast winning. At least for a while. I wound up in a miserable mall job, back home with the p’s (no choice–either that or the street), and barely able to face the world. I found myself in asd around that time. I literally swan-dived into asd against my relatively shy nature, hoping that I would somehow be caught. I was– not in the way I expected, but I was, and I will be forever grateful. I am not sure where I’d be. Would I be filling a grave? i don’t know. I moved on up– to a basically ful-time job at a library that paid part-time wages. Not much better, but the depression was beginning to ease. Stayed here six months and got better–very gradually. Then, of course, I got my current job at the paper, which I love and which I appear to have a talent for. I am so afraid it will all be taken away. they will uncover me for a fraud. or, I will fuck it up somehow. I have become so conditioned to failure and disappointment that little setbacks or rookie mistakes that I know rationally I am supposed to make just CRUSH me. I made one today– a rookie error.I can’t say what, partly b/c it is complicated, and partly just because… I am so depserate as a result I don’t know what to do. I know rationally that people do worse things and get by, but I am too fatalist for that in my heart. My heart tells me different. I can’t afford to fuck up, even a little. I don’t think it is a huge mistake, but it sure feels huge. I want so depreately for this to work. I am ready to establish my independence again. I am doing so well. Don’t take it away from me. Not yet. Sorry this is so long and senseless.
(((((((((((((Eric)))))))))))) All I can say is that you’ve had a long hard road…it’s so easy to believe that it’s all just a show, that people will realize you don’t know what you’re doing…but as others have said, you *do* know what you’re doing, and it will work. it’s ok to be afraid that it’s not going to work out, but I have confidence that it will, for you. it’s time for something to go right in your life. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Eric When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. –Hunter S. thompson
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I am so depserate as a result I don’t know what to do. I know rationally that people do worse things and get by, but I am too fatalist for that in my heart. My heart tells me different. I can’t afford to fuck up, even a little. I don’t think it is a huge mistake, but it sure feels huge. I want so depreately for this to work. I am ready to establish my independence again. I am doing so well. Don’t take it away from me. Not yet. I know this feeling well. I’ll bet nothing comes of your mistake, but the waiting to see what will happen is awful. I hope it’s resolved for you right away.
That is the agonizing part– it may take a couple months to see how it washes out. We’ll know what to do about it quickly though. Sorry this is so long and senseless. Made lots of sense to me.
Thank you. I am not always sure I am making sense, which is sort of ironic. k4k
Eric When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. –Hunter S. thompson
Response:
Good stories. Sounds like you have had an interesting ride… I got a lot out of it, and I’m personally convinced that most people are depressed because of their jobs or lack of jobs… Here’s something that puts a positive spin on your story… Now you have a computer and the internet and you were able to share your stories with a gazillion people in a supportive environment… Ain’t it cool?
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Probably oughta be spoilered for language and godknowswhat before I’m done. When I got out of college in 1992, I returned home to an area with 20 precent or more unemployment. The major industry was in the tank, and all the displaced people were competing for jobs. I remember once three jobs for $7 an hour opened up at a new supermarket. There were over 300 applications. It took all day to go through tthe process. The competition was fierce and lots of people were swept into bad jobs or periods of prolonged unemployment. Me included. I worked as a sub teacher because the jobs for which I was qualified were scarce, and McDonald’s wasn’t hiring people with b.s. degrees. Naturally, this work was a nightmare. For years I worked lousy jobs, or decent jobs that didn’t pay the bills. I became something of a coyote in my mid-20s. I learned a lot about survival off the relative fat of the land. I saw the sun come up at a card table many times. The "unemployment poker game." Believe it or not, the unemployed and the destitute will indeed bet their last dime. Why not? You haven’t got enough to pay the bills anyway. People without much to lose can take lots of risks. They say the lottery is a tax on poor people. And, people can;t figure out why they buy the tickets. Believe me, I know. It doesn’t make sense, but I know. Naturally, I dealt with depression throughout this, not even knowing what it was, really. Thiings got slightly better, but I couldn’t hold it together for long. A major depressive episode hit, and it set me back. The uphill climb became a downhill slide. I pulled it together enough to figure out that I needed a vast change. I applied to grad. school in hope I could find the change I needed. I did, for a while… A year ago, I lost my finding in grad. school (through no fault of my own, just bad luck– an administration change. The new regime decided to apply a ruel that masters level students could only get 2 years of funding. Trouble is, they applied it to those already in the program, so lots of us lost our funding when we had ben relying on having it for three years instead of two. Upshot is, I wound up unemployed again. This was last summer.. I was already fighting another round with the beast, and unemployment+time on your hands+less than supportive friends who don’t seem to care when you have nothing material to offer equals the beast winning. At least for a while. I wound up in a miserable mall job, back home with the p’s (no choice–either that or the street), and barely able to face the world. I found myself in asd around that time. I literally swan-dived into asd against my relatively shy nature, hoping that I would somehow be caught. I was– not in the way I expected, but I was, and I will be forever grateful. I am not sure where I’d be. Would I be filling a grave? i don’t know. I moved on up– to a basically ful-time job at a library that paid part-time wages. Not much better, but the depression was beginning to ease. Stayed here six months and got better–very gradually. Then, of course, I got my current job at the paper, which I love and which I appear to have a talent for. I am so afraid it will all be taken away. they will uncover me for a fraud. or, I will fuck it up somehow. I have become so conditioned to failure and disappointment that little setbacks or rookie mistakes that I know rationally I am supposed to make just CRUSH me. I made one today– a rookie error.I can’t say what, partly b/c it is complicated, and partly just because… I am so depserate as a result I don’t know what to do. I know rationally that people do worse things and get by, but I am too fatalist for that in my heart. My heart tells me different. I can’t afford to fuck up, even a little. I don’t think it is a huge mistake, but it sure feels huge. I want so depreately for this to work. I am ready to establish my independence again. I am doing so well. Don’t take it away from me. Not yet. Sorry this is so long and senseless. Eric When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. –Hunter S. thompson
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Probably oughta be spoilered for language and godknowswhat before I’m done. When I got out of college in 1992, I returned home to an area with 20 precent or more unemployment. The major industry was in the tank, and all the displaced people were competing for jobs. I remember once three jobs for $7 an hour opened up at a new supermarket. There were over 300 applications. It took all day to go through tthe process. The competition was fierce and lots of people were swept into bad jobs or periods of prolonged unemployment. Me included. I worked as a sub teacher because the jobs for which I was qualified were scarce, and McDonald’s wasn’t hiring people with b.s. degrees. Naturally, this work was a nightmare. For years I worked lousy jobs, or decent jobs that didn’t pay the bills. I became something of a coyote in my mid-20s. I learned a lot about survival off the relative fat of the land. I saw the sun come up at a card table many times. The "unemployment poker game." Believe it or not, the unemployed and the destitute will indeed bet their last dime. Why not? You haven’t got enough to pay the bills anyway. People without much to lose can take lots of risks. They say the lottery is a tax on poor people. And, people can;t figure out why they buy the tickets. Believe me, I know. It doesn’t make sense, but I know. Naturally, I dealt with depression throughout this, not even knowing what it was, really. Thiings got slightly better, but I couldn’t hold it together for long. A major depressive episode hit, and it set me back. The uphill climb became a downhill slide. I pulled it together enough to figure out that I needed a vast change. I applied to grad. school in hope I could find the change I needed. I did, for a while… A year ago, I lost my finding in grad. school (through no fault of my own, just bad luck– an administration change. The new regime decided to apply a ruel that masters level students could only get 2 years of funding. Trouble is, they applied it to those already in the program, so lots of us lost our funding when we had ben relying on having it for three years instead of two. Upshot is, I wound up unemployed again. This was last summer.. I was already fighting another round with the beast, and unemployment+time on your hands+less than supportive friends who don’t seem to care when you have nothing material to offer equals the beast winning. At least for a while. I wound up in a miserable mall job, back home with the p’s (no choice–either that or the street), and barely able to face the world. I found myself in asd around that time. I literally swan-dived into asd against my relatively shy nature, hoping that I would somehow be caught. I was– not in the way I expected, but I was, and I will be forever grateful. I am not sure where I’d be. Would I be filling a grave? i don’t know. I moved on up– to a basically ful-time job at a library that paid part-time wages. Not much better, but the depression was beginning to ease. Stayed here six months and got better–very gradually. Then, of course, I got my current job at the paper, which I love and which I appear to have a talent for. I am so afraid it will all be taken away. they will uncover me for a fraud. or, I will fuck it up somehow. I have become so conditioned to failure and disappointment that little setbacks or rookie mistakes that I know rationally I am supposed to make just CRUSH me. I made one today– a rookie error.I can’t say what, partly b/c it is complicated, and partly just because… I am so depserate as a result I don’t know what to do. I know rationally that people do worse things and get by, but I am too fatalist for that in my heart. My heart tells me different. I can’t afford to fuck up, even a little. I don’t think it is a huge mistake, but it sure feels huge. I want so depreately for this to work. I am ready to establish my independence again. I am doing so well. Don’t take it away from me. Not yet. Sorry this is so long and senseless. Eric When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. –Hunter S. thompson
Rookie mistakes are soooo embarrassing! Ohhhhhhh. I HATE them. And *everyone* makes them — NO EXCEPTIONS! You will be fine. You have learned how to survive, and you will be just fine. Erminia
Response:
(((((((((((((Eric)))))))))))) All I can say is that you’ve had a long hard road…it’s so easy to believe that it’s all just a show, that people will realize you don’t know what you’re doing…but as others have said, you *do* know what you’re doing, and it will work. it’s ok to be afraid that it’s not going to work out, but I have confidence that it will, for you. it’s time for something to go right in your life.
It’s been a long, strange trip in many ways. I think we’ve both had one. I really overreacted to everything last night– I need to get this week under my belt and relax for a couple days. ((((((Angela))))))))) Eric When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. –Hunter S. thompson
Response:
Good stories. Sounds like you have had an interesting ride…
sometimes… I got a lot out of it, and I’m personally convinced that most people are depressed because of their jobs or lack of jobs…
At least, it exacerbates any problems one may already have. I think it can be a big factor, for sure. Here’s something that puts a positive spin on your story… Now you have a computer and the internet and you were able to share your stories with a gazillion people in a supportive environment… Ain’t it cool?
That is very true! Eric When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. –Hunter S. thompson
Response:
It’s been a long, strange trip in many ways. I think we’ve both had one. I really overreacted to everything last night– I need to get this week under my belt and relax for a couple days. ((((((Angela)))))))))
I’m glad you’re feeling better today. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Eric When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. –Hunter S. thompson
Response:
Rookie mistakes are soooo embarrassing! Ohhhhhhh. I HATE them. And *everyone* makes them — NO EXCEPTIONS!
yep. You will be fine.
as it turns out, i overreacted badly…that’s me–i overreact and go right for the worst thing that could happen. You have learned how to survive, and you will be just fine.
thanks. in the long run, it will turn out. Erminia
Eric When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. –Hunter S. thompson
Response:
<delicate snip For years I worked lousy jobs, or decent jobs that didn’t pay the bills. I became something of a coyote in my mid-20s. I learned a lot about survival off the relative fat of the land. I saw the sun come up at a card table many times. The "unemployment poker game." Believe it or not, the unemployed and the destitute will indeed bet their last dime. Why not? You haven’t got enough to pay the bills anyway. People without much to lose can take lots of risks. They say the lottery is a tax on poor people. And, people can;t figure out why they buy the tickets. Believe me, I know. It doesn’t make sense, but I know. Naturally, I dealt with depression throughout this, not even knowing what it was, really.
i did the same thing a few years back, when i was still married and his large salary was all going to drugs, and a little while after i left him and i was on Welfare, barely enough money to pay the rent so i’d blow it on my own ‘drug’, which was gambling. Paid off a few times tho, how many welfare moms do you know who can buy cars and take trips =) But eventually i stopped cold-turkey, when i realized it was more of an addiction and instant gratification than a survival tactic. But you’re right, it’s logical for people to justify it to themselves when there isn’t enough to cover even the basics. i don’t think i was depressed at the time, not like now, and i’ll never figure out why i wasn’t and why it only started much later. <lil’ bit more snippage Then, of course, I got my current job at the paper, which I love and which I appear to have a talent for. I am so afraid it will all be taken away. they will uncover me for a fraud. or, I will fuck it up somehow. I have become so conditioned to failure and disappointment that little setbacks or rookie mistakes that I know rationally I am supposed to make just CRUSH me. I made one today– a rookie error.I can’t say what, partly b/c it is complicated, and partly just because…
That’s how i feel. i’m in a different category now, but my MINDSET is still the Welfare mom one, it’s *so* weird. Basically i’m living my life like a survivor of the Depression (the 30’s one, not the psychological state one) and i always have that shame – like the first time i had to cash one of those Welfare checks in at the back, and give in the grocery coupons at the supermarket, and go to the Red Cross one Christmas when the kids didn’t have any toys. i don’t ‘feel’ like i’ve improved or moved up. The job i have now feels tenuous and i expect them to boot me out any day now, just because it’s happened in the past. I am so depserate as a result I don’t know what to do. I know rationally that people do worse things and get by, but I am too fatalist for that in my heart. My heart tells me different. I can’t afford to fuck up, even a little. I don’t think it is a huge mistake, but it sure feels huge. I want so depreately for this to work. I am ready to establish my independence again. I am doing so well. Don’t take it away from me. Not yet. Sorry this is so long and senseless. Eric
Well obviously i didn’t find it senseless. i think you have to do your normal day-to-day responsibilities and show-off whenever you can, and suck up to the bosses, just like everyone else does, and i’m sure you’re already doing that (because of the job insecurity), just make certain you don’t sabotage it by applying the ‘gambling logic’ to it: oh well, they’re going to fire me anyway, i might as well make it sooner than later. Or maybe that’s the abused-spouse PTSD syndrome, when you precipitate a conflict just to ‘clear the air’, i get them mixed up sometimes. Anyway, looks like my reply was rather rambling, but i do wish you success, and i’m sure you have the talent to be valued in your job. "Whining is anger coming through a very small opening" – Stuart Smalley
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – <delicate snip For years I worked lousy jobs, or decent jobs that didn’t pay the bills. I became something of a coyote in my mid-20s. I learned a lot about survival off the relative fat of the land. I saw the sun come up at a card table many times. The "unemployment poker game." Believe it or not, the unemployed and the destitute will indeed bet their last dime. Why not? You haven’t got enough to pay the bills anyway. People without much to lose can take lots of risks. They say the lottery is a tax on poor people. And, people can;t figure out why they buy the tickets. Believe me, I know. It doesn’t make sense, but I know. Naturally, I dealt with depression throughout this, not even knowing what it was, really. i did the same thing a few years back, when i was still married and his large salary was all going to drugs, and a little while after i left him and i was on Welfare, barely enough money to pay the rent so i’d blow it on my own ‘drug’, which was gambling. Paid off a few times tho, how many welfare moms do you know who can buy cars and take trips =) But eventually i stopped cold-turkey, when i realized it was more of an addiction and instant gratification than a survival tactic.
For a lot of people, that line becomes realy blurry. It starts out with the (il)logic I described, and ends up where you described. People live both our stories sometimes. BTW, I am happy you got out– even if it did cause hardships that still reverberate. But you’re right, it’s logical for people to justify it to themselves when there isn’t enough to cover even the basics. i don’t think i was depressed at the time, not like now, and i’ll never figure out why i wasn’t and why it only started much later.
Hmmm… All I can say is that it is odd how that works, but I have seen it work that way many times– people are more depressed when they come out of the situation that when they are in it. <lil’ bit more snippage Then, of course, I got my current job at the paper, which I love and which I appear to have a talent for. I am so afraid it will all be taken away. they will uncover me for a fraud. or, I will fuck it up somehow. I have become so conditioned to failure and disappointment that little setbacks or rookie mistakes that I know rationally I am supposed to make just CRUSH me. I made one today– a rookie error.I can’t say what, partly b/c it is complicated, and partly just because… That’s how i feel. i’m in a different category now, but my MINDSET is still the Welfare mom one, it’s *so* weird.
yes. Mine is in the same mindset I had years ago– I still see the world that way. Basically i’m living my life like a survivor of the Depression (the 30’s one, not the psychological state one) and i always have that shame – like the first time i had to cash one of those Welfare checks in at the back, and give in the grocery coupons at the supermarket, and go to the Red Cross one Christmas when the kids didn’t have any toys. i don’t ‘feel’ like i’ve improved or moved up. The job i have now feels tenuous and i expect them to boot me out any day now, just because it’s happened in the past.
right. I still am psychologically not different in that respect either. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I am so depserate as a result I don’t know what to do. I know rationally that people do worse things and get by, but I am too fatalist for that in my heart. My heart tells me different. I can’t afford to fuck up, even a little. I don’t think it is a huge mistake, but it sure feels huge. I want so depreately for this to work. I am ready to establish my independence again. I am doing so well. Don’t take it away from me. Not yet. Sorry this is so long and senseless. Eric Well obviously i didn’t find it senseless. i think you have to do your normal day-to-day responsibilities and show-off whenever you can, and suck up to the bosses, just like everyone else does, and i’m sure you’re already doing that (because of the job insecurity),
yes. I’ve never sucked up well, though. I just try to stay blissfully ignorant instead. just make certain you don’t sabotage it by applying the ‘gambling logic’ to it: oh well, they’re going to fire me anyway, i might as well make it sooner than later.
No, I’d be too afraid it would catch up with me– I’d be afraid that if I got fired, I’d *never* be hired anywhere again, so that sort of gamble wouldn’t pay off to me. Or maybe that’s the abused-spouse PTSD syndrome, when you precipitate a conflict just to ‘clear the air’, i get them mixed up sometimes.
It is a PTSD trait, I think. But I see that in myself sometimes too– tendency to start conflict just to clear the air. Anyway, looks like my reply was rather rambling, but i do wish you success, and i’m sure you have the talent to be valued in your job.
The funny thing is, I know rationally that I could already get hired somewhere else if I needed to. But, internally, I still feel like a fraud, or like I lucked in to something and I better make the most of it. Slowly but surely, my rational mind is getting more prominent, though, so I think I am developing thought patterns. I find that it is not purely an uphill, linear journey. I have had setbacks-like the other day. but, I learned from it, and I hope they become less frequent. Eric When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. –Hunter S. thompson
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