Question:
I know how you feel. For the longest time with my fiance, no matter what he did, I felt he hated me or was going to leave me. He has to keep reassuring me that he loves me and that he’s not going to leave me, even if I get sicker (I have numerous physical problems along with BPD, Depression and PTSD) — Jennifer "Live for today for you have no reassurance there is a tomorrow" AIM: MommyPuppies ICQ: 10773646 MSN: babycheeks…@hotmail.com Yahoo: icelady…@yahoo.com Scleroderma and Autoimmune Group chat admin www.paltalk.com "empty trash" <mrsfryt…@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20010326225348.02455.00001018@ng-fq1.aol.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> ever want to love someone, but find yourself consumed by some need for > self-protection, setting them up as the enemy instead? (am i asking a really > obvious question in the largely-borderline ng?) i am incapable of feeling that > he loves me. he’s cooking for me now, he sat through an appointment with my > psychiatrist after i got upset and left the room…but i can’t feel it as love > and i can’t feel love for him. i wish i could just break down and let it > through. what do i need so many defenses for? > btw, we have been/were engaged for about seven months, so there have been long > periods of time where i had no doubt that i loved him and i was pretty ok > accepting reciprocation… but now things are getting down to the wire (june 9 > is the date we had set) and everything i can find to make wrong i am doing it.
Response:
Boy can I relate!!!! I find that I set myself up for failure. I am horrible at relationships. I have been in several and all have ended for the same reason. Me and my inability to provide a stable and loving partner. I don’t have a problem loving others. What I do have is a problem accepting their love. I am always suspicious of it. The current relationship that I am in has pretty much the same problems that all the rest of them had. I have been totally up front with my partner. So that she can make informed and educated decisions based on the information that I give her. I have even thrown it back in her face a couple of times (during arguments) "You made the choice to be here you can leave anytime" Is what I tell her. She has really been a godsend. She has stuck by me so far, even at my worst. She is very supportive. She has expressed her feelings to me several times about my unavailability, and if I will ever let her in. I know it frustrates her, and rightly so. She has witnessed my temper outbreaks and has been fearful. She seen the results of my "cutting" episodes. She tells me that she loves me and is very much in love with. I tell her I am glad that she does but can’t understand why she could love someone who is incapeable loving in return. Her usual response is "I won’t stop loving you simply because you are sick" You have a problem and we are getting help for that. Yet, I find myself being suspicious of her friends, and of her when she goes out with them. Thinking that she is cheating. Fearful that she will fall for someone else and leave. I really do hope that one day I can be able to have a healthy and mutally loving relationship.
Response:
Hi, Michelle! I guess it’s a matter of perception. I don’t "see" single women; I only seem to hang out with / be friends with non-single women. The women I work with, the women who are friends of my friends, women on the bus… they all are either married/attached or I find some reason to not be interested in them. For example, my best friend’s sister is attractive and single… but she’s my best friend’s sister and a bit young, so I don’t "see" her as single. There’s a woman in my writing group who’s single… but I’m not really attracted to her. And so on like that. Remember the woman on the bus I mentioned a while ago? I wanted to talk to her for weeks, then when I finally do, I don’t ask her out, figuring I will next time. Then there hasn’t been a next time… she stoped riding the bus for some reason. *Shrug*. I don’t know… it’s one reason I feel so lost. Is it something I’m doing/not doing? Or just life? I can’t tell. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -In article <0y8w6.44378$hf.17203…@news1.elmhst1.il.home.com> you wrote: > Hi, Brian. Nicely put. I do believe us Borderliners do have a special > ability to "read" people but for some reason those abilities don’t apply to > our own romantic interests.I think our feelings get in the way. It sounds to > me that you don’t have problems finding single women. Are you AvPd? It’s > possible that you afraid of what you would do or feel if you did find > someone. So you unknowingly chose not to find someone. Who knows. I’m surly > no expert. Besides who wouldn’t want a man with all his teeth 
> Your Friend, > Michele > "Brian" <n…@dev.net> wrote in message news:3ac102a8_1@news.nwlink.com… >> Hi, empty trash. >> Although I have not actually been diagnosed as BPD, I am pursuing that >> diagnosis. I feel I strongly share many of the characteristics that >> sufferers of BPD have. >> I have friends, and there’s my family (parents and sister, plus her >> children and husband and in-laws). One of my assumptions has always been >> that family has to love me, but that goes against even my most basic >> observations about other families. I can see now that my parents do not >> love me; not the way I define love, anyway. Perhaps my idea of love is too >> restrictive… something more for me to explore in therapy. >> As far as my friends go, I operate on the assumption that I judge them by >> their actions; if they act like my friends, they must like me. The minute >> they start acting against my interests, I have to re-categorize them. >> But for romantic love… that is something I have not experienced for >> many, many years. The last woman I considered a girlfriend was over 15 >> years ago. The last date I went on? 6 years ago. I want to love someone; >> in fact, I don’t feel that I can be a whole, functioning person until >> someone loves me back. But I have yet to meet a woman who would choose to >> be with me. From feedback, and from talking it over with other people, I >> can guess that I’m attractive, although not a movie star. I work out, and >> stay in good shape. I have all my teeth. When I’m "up", I can be >> charming and funny. >> But, for reasons completely unknown to me, I can’t seem to find any single >> women. I only end up attracted to women who are unavailable. As you >> suggest, this must be some form of protection for me. I’m afraid that even >> if I found a single woman who was attracted to me, I would put up another >> level of defense, to keep myself single. I wish I knew why, but for now I >> have no idea. >> I guess, to sum up, what I’m trying to say is that if you could adjust >> your definition of love, you might see that your fiance’s actions show >> that he does love you. Try not to see him through the filter of your own >> feelings; use the empathy that borderliners have to see things through his >> eyes. >> Hope that helps. >> In article <20010326225348.02455.00001…@ng-fq1.aol.com> you wrote: >> > ever want to love someone, but find yourself consumed by some need for >> > self-protection, setting them up as the enemy instead? (am i asking a > really >> > obvious question in the largely-borderline ng?) i am incapable of > feeling that >> > he loves me. he’s cooking for me now, he sat through an appointment with > my >> > psychiatrist after i got upset and left the room…but i can’t feel it > as love >> > and i can’t feel love for him. i wish i could just break down and let it >> > through. what do i need so many defenses for? >> > btw, we have been/were engaged for about seven months, so there have > been long >> > periods of time where i had no doubt that i loved him and i was pretty > ok >> > accepting reciprocation… but now things are getting down to the wire > (june 9 >> > is the date we had set) and everything i can find to make wrong i am > doing it. >> — >> — >> bam
– — bam
Response:
WOW! You really hit the nail on the head! I thought I was the only one. I’m married and I just can’t feel his love for me. I always blamed him for it, for not loving me enough, he obviously loves me enough to put up with my sever mood swings, hate and anger. He lets me rant and rave knowing I will have done a 360 in 15 minutes. I have never felt truly loved. Also I find it hard to find my love for him(black & white ways) . We where actually supposed to be married 1 12 years before we did get married. I panicked and looked for any reason at all to break it off. After looking hard enough I found the silliest little thing and broke up. He left the country for 4 months. When he came back he came looking for me the same day.I was impressed so I gave it another shot. We were married 8 months later. Even then I got cold feet and almost broke it off several times. Not to mention standing up in front of all those people (I’m also AvPD). Thank you for showing me I’m not the only one. I wish you the best of luck and just do it already Michele "empty trash" <mrsfryt…@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20010326225348.02455.00001018@ng-fq1.aol.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> ever want to love someone, but find yourself consumed by some need for > self-protection, setting them up as the enemy instead? (am i asking a really > obvious question in the largely-borderline ng?) i am incapable of feeling that > he loves me. he’s cooking for me now, he sat through an appointment with my > psychiatrist after i got upset and left the room…but i can’t feel it as love > and i can’t feel love for him. i wish i could just break down and let it > through. what do i need so many defenses for? > btw, we have been/were engaged for about seven months, so there have been long > periods of time where i had no doubt that i loved him and i was pretty ok > accepting reciprocation… but now things are getting down to the wire (june 9 > is the date we had set) and everything i can find to make wrong i am doing it.
Response:
In article <20010326225348.02455.00001…@ng-fq1.aol.com>, empty trash <mrsfryt…@aol.com> wrote: > ever want to love someone, but find yourself consumed by some need for > self-protection, setting them up as the enemy instead? (am i asking a really > obvious question in the largely-borderline ng?) i am incapable of feeling that > he loves me. he’s cooking for me now, he sat through an appointment with my > psychiatrist after i got upset and left the room…but i can’t feel it as love > and i can’t feel love for him. i wish i could just break down and let it > through. what do i need so many defenses for? > btw, we have been/were engaged for about seven months, so there have been long > periods of time where i had no doubt that i loved him and i was pretty ok > accepting reciprocation… but now things are getting down to the wire (june 9 > is the date we had set) and everything i can find to make wrong i am doing it.
Hi! I have always felt like this too. I never believe that anyone cares as much for me as I do for them, in spite of some people really showing me that they care. I have just broken another six year relationship due to not being able to accept intimacy and someone else’s love. And other issues too. I nearly got married once but broke it off because I couldn’t cope with the reality of the commitment. And I hate being alone but that is how I’ve ended up. Hope that helps to let you see that you are not the only one who feels like this? Take care, Erin. — Lorna McCarthy, lornamccar…@ukgateway.net
Response:
Hey, Erin! How things been going? How many names do you have any way? I get confused easily Michele "Lorna McCarthy" <k…@yir.invalid> wrote in message
news:4a61f3c5ksv@yir.invalid… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> In article <20010326225348.02455.00001…@ng-fq1.aol.com>, > empty trash <mrsfryt…@aol.com> wrote: > > ever want to love someone, but find yourself consumed by some need for > > self-protection, setting them up as the enemy instead? (am i asking a really > > obvious question in the largely-borderline ng?) i am incapable of feeling that > > he loves me. he’s cooking for me now, he sat through an appointment with my > > psychiatrist after i got upset and left the room…but i can’t feel it as love > > and i can’t feel love for him. i wish i could just break down and let it > > through. what do i need so many defenses for? > > btw, we have been/were engaged for about seven months, so there have been long > > periods of time where i had no doubt that i loved him and i was pretty ok > > accepting reciprocation… but now things are getting down to the wire (june 9 > > is the date we had set) and everything i can find to make wrong i am doing it. > Hi! > I have always felt like this too. I never believe that anyone cares as > much for me as I do for them, in spite of some people really showing me > that they care. I have just broken another six year relationship due to > not being able to accept intimacy and someone else’s love. And other > issues too. I nearly got married once but broke it off because I couldn’t > cope with the reality of the commitment. And I hate being alone but that > is how I’ve ended up. > Hope that helps to let you see that you are not the only one who feels > like this? > Take care, > Erin. > — > Lorna McCarthy, lornamccar…@ukgateway.net
Response:
Hi, Brian. Nicely put. I do believe us Borderliners do have a special ability to "read" people but for some reason those abilities don’t apply to our own romantic interests.I think our feelings get in the way. It sounds to me that you don’t have problems finding single women. Are you AvPd? It’s possible that you afraid of what you would do or feel if you did find someone. So you unknowingly chose not to find someone. Who knows. I’m surly no expert. Besides who wouldn’t want a man with all his teeth Your Friend, Michele – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -"Brian" <n…@dev.net> wrote in message news:3ac102a8_1@news.nwlink.com… > Hi, empty trash. > Although I have not actually been diagnosed as BPD, I am pursuing that > diagnosis. I feel I strongly share many of the characteristics that > sufferers of BPD have. > I have friends, and there’s my family (parents and sister, plus her > children and husband and in-laws). One of my assumptions has always been > that family has to love me, but that goes against even my most basic > observations about other families. I can see now that my parents do not > love me; not the way I define love, anyway. Perhaps my idea of love is too > restrictive… something more for me to explore in therapy. > As far as my friends go, I operate on the assumption that I judge them by > their actions; if they act like my friends, they must like me. The minute > they start acting against my interests, I have to re-categorize them. > But for romantic love… that is something I have not experienced for > many, many years. The last woman I considered a girlfriend was over 15 > years ago. The last date I went on? 6 years ago. I want to love someone; > in fact, I don’t feel that I can be a whole, functioning person until > someone loves me back. But I have yet to meet a woman who would choose to > be with me. From feedback, and from talking it over with other people, I > can guess that I’m attractive, although not a movie star. I work out, and > stay in good shape. I have all my teeth. When I’m "up", I can be > charming and funny. > But, for reasons completely unknown to me, I can’t seem to find any single > women. I only end up attracted to women who are unavailable. As you > suggest, this must be some form of protection for me. I’m afraid that even > if I found a single woman who was attracted to me, I would put up another > level of defense, to keep myself single. I wish I knew why, but for now I > have no idea. > I guess, to sum up, what I’m trying to say is that if you could adjust > your definition of love, you might see that your fiance’s actions show > that he does love you. Try not to see him through the filter of your own > feelings; use the empathy that borderliners have to see things through his > eyes. > Hope that helps. > In article <20010326225348.02455.00001…@ng-fq1.aol.com> you wrote: > > ever want to love someone, but find yourself consumed by some need for > > self-protection, setting them up as the enemy instead? (am i asking a really > > obvious question in the largely-borderline ng?) i am incapable of feeling that > > he loves me. he’s cooking for me now, he sat through an appointment with my > > psychiatrist after i got upset and left the room…but i can’t feel it as love > > and i can’t feel love for him. i wish i could just break down and let it > > through. what do i need so many defenses for? > > btw, we have been/were engaged for about seven months, so there have been long > > periods of time where i had no doubt that i loved him and i was pretty ok > > accepting reciprocation… but now things are getting down to the wire (june 9 > > is the date we had set) and everything i can find to make wrong i am doing it. > — > — > bam
Response:
Hi, empty trash. Although I have not actually been diagnosed as BPD, I am pursuing that diagnosis. I feel I strongly share many of the characteristics that sufferers of BPD have. I have friends, and there’s my family (parents and sister, plus her children and husband and in-laws). One of my assumptions has always been that family has to love me, but that goes against even my most basic observations about other families. I can see now that my parents do not love me; not the way I define love, anyway. Perhaps my idea of love is too restrictive… something more for me to explore in therapy. As far as my friends go, I operate on the assumption that I judge them by their actions; if they act like my friends, they must like me. The minute they start acting against my interests, I have to re-categorize them. But for romantic love… that is something I have not experienced for many, many years. The last woman I considered a girlfriend was over 15 years ago. The last date I went on? 6 years ago. I want to love someone; in fact, I don’t feel that I can be a whole, functioning person until someone loves me back. But I have yet to meet a woman who would choose to be with me. From feedback, and from talking it over with other people, I can guess that I’m attractive, although not a movie star. I work out, and stay in good shape. I have all my teeth. When I’m "up", I can be charming and funny. But, for reasons completely unknown to me, I can’t seem to find any single women. I only end up attracted to women who are unavailable. As you suggest, this must be some form of protection for me. I’m afraid that even if I found a single woman who was attracted to me, I would put up another level of defense, to keep myself single. I wish I knew why, but for now I have no idea. I guess, to sum up, what I’m trying to say is that if you could adjust your definition of love, you might see that your fiance’s actions show that he does love you. Try not to see him through the filter of your own feelings; use the empathy that borderliners have to see things through his eyes. Hope that helps. In article <20010326225348.02455.00001…@ng-fq1.aol.com> you wrote: > ever want to love someone, but find yourself consumed by some need for > self-protection, setting them up as the enemy instead? (am i asking a really > obvious question in the largely-borderline ng?) i am incapable of feeling that > he loves me. he’s cooking for me now, he sat through an appointment with my > psychiatrist after i got upset and left the room…but i can’t feel it as love > and i can’t feel love for him. i wish i could just break down and let it > through. what do i need so many defenses for? > btw, we have been/were engaged for about seven months, so there have been long > periods of time where i had no doubt that i loved him and i was pretty ok > accepting reciprocation… but now things are getting down to the wire (june 9 > is the date we had set) and everything i can find to make wrong i am doing it.
– — bam
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