Question:
yeah, sex. 
tee hee … it’s fun, isn’t it!!! (I didn’t know that the majority of my life!) D*nna’s over on s.p.p. spouting her awful sex advice again <snip D*nna’s truly rotten advice (drink alcohol, read pornography, "endure it even if you don’t enjoy it" blah blah blah)!
Um … she’s really saying that? She’s really *serious*??? No – she can’t be serious! Or was she dared to see just how much of an ass she could make of herself in a public forum??? Oh my god … the woman is more clueless than I ever could’ve imagined. basically we had a lot of long, open, brutally honest conversations about my incest experience and all my triggers. then we each redefined our ideas of what sex really is. and we basically came to a huge breakthrough one night, and, well there ya go.
<snipped for space I’m so happy for you!!! When JP and I are fighting the sexual aspect of our relationship is gone. Actually, if things are even tense it’s gone. I could go years and years without ever having sex because for me I just *can’t* endure it even if I don’t want to. I’d start crying or something. I think I’ve had so many bad experiences with having sex when I didn’t want to (or being forced to) that I just don’t even have any tolerance for "enduring it" (not to mention I don’t think anyone should have to.) Not to mention – AARGH! Imagine if you found out your sexual partner was just "enduring it" to make you happy??? YUCK!!! Anyway, JP and I just had a similar "breakthrough" the other night. As did my boss and his wife (no – it’s not that kinky – his wife has been one of my best friends for almost a decade!). Maybe it was the full moon? Anyway, I share in your joy cause I’m beaming with it too! Doesn’t it make you feel like you’ve gotten a little chunk of life back that’s yours? Like "ha ha! See! I can enjoy life and be alive despite what you did, jerk-off!!!" your-sis-in-healing-so-we-can-enjoy-life-again! Julia
Response:
Good for you karmagirl. Sexual activity is life activity – and the more you can open your body, deal with the historical carryovers and allow the orgasmic pattern as to relax into it – to go though your body – it will do wonderful things for your recovery. Much like holding in a sneeze or crying – holding in sex just congest the body and makes the mind do weird things – as sex is life. This is why sex abuse messes up people lives so much – and they have the same recovery issues as other abused people such as trust, intimacy, fears and stuff – but their issues just have more energy to it. As I opened up to my own sexual orgasism with some wonderful women who helped and loved me with that – I started to relax from the head on up. There was one day I did it when I relaxed my shoulders and the next three days I was so sore – as all the held in abuse I had from being belted and hit over my back relaxed from years – decades of holding that in with the PTSD – and I kept going on down the body each time. I still have more work to do in my pelvis and lower tummy – with my own sex abuse issues – but I am making progress. The thing I want to impart to you and your bed buddy (ok, ok your husband) is sexual orgasism can release you into deep sobbing and tears as historical issues come up for you – and it is important for your bed buddy to stop what they are doing – even for the whole night and allow you to cry, hold you if that is ok, leave you alone to cry – with love – what ever you need to process. And know that it is not him – later on he can finish what he wanted to do with you – and you with him – and have a real good orgasism - but this is part of recovery. Or so I would respectfully propose. sumbuddie 2 luv – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – yeah, sex. D*nna’s over on s.p.p. spouting her awful sex advice again and i realized i had forgotten to share with y’all some very good news. i know this sounds weird to post this on a newsgroup, but then i felt so alone before and people helped me by posting their expriences … so here goes … me and my husband had sex and will continue, hehe. no thanks to D*nna’s truly rotten advice (drink alcohol, read pornography, "endure it even if you don’t enjoy it" blah blah blah)! basically we had a lot of long, open, brutally honest conversations about my incest experience and all my triggers. then we each redefined our ideas of what sex really is. and we basically came to a huge breakthrough one night, and, well there ya go. the D-person says it’s best if abuse survivors "get away from all the talk about abuse for awhile" so they can have sex. i want to say, here on a.a.r. where i can be more open about these things than on s.p.p., that attitude is a *huge load of horse shit*. if i had NOT talked to my husband so much about it, we wouldn’t have been able to reach all of the compromises and agreements that we did. we wouldn’t have made a list of triggers, and a list of how to either avoid or desensitize each one. if i had not talked to other survivors about it, i would have felt alone, isolated, and scared to talk to my husband. my husband agrees, if we hadn’t talked about it for so many months, he wouldn’t have had the chance to put in his 2 cents on what so obviously affected him too. he also said that my being so open about the abuse enabled him to be confident that he wasn’t going to trigger me or hurt me in any way. he was really open with me, also … it turns out he was so scared of triggering me, he would have gotten no enjoyment whatsoever, so he was happy waiting for me. we both agreed that we did the right thing by taking a "vacation," and that we never felt any lack of intimacy for those many months, in fact we both feel closer because we’ve learned so many new ways to express our love for each other. i have also learned that even though i had repressed the abuse, apparently my subconscious was still acting on the idiotic ideas of sex my dad had "taught" me. because now i realize there is a huge wonderful world of making love out there, and i feel like a flower blossoming under a brand new sun. *goofy grin* peace, karmagrrl
Response:
Good for you, Karmagrrl! Oh, and hang on to that husband of yours! He’s definitely a keeper! :D Dragon – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – yeah, sex. D*nna’s over on s.p.p. spouting her awful sex advice again and i realized i had forgotten to share with y’all some very good news. i know this sounds weird to post this on a newsgroup, but then i felt so alone before and people helped me by posting their expriences … so here goes … me and my husband had sex and will continue, hehe. no thanks to D*nna’s truly rotten advice (drink alcohol, read pornography, "endure it even if you don’t enjoy it" blah blah blah)! basically we had a lot of long, open, brutally honest conversations about my incest experience and all my triggers. then we each redefined our ideas of what sex really is. and we basically came to a huge breakthrough one night, and, well there ya go. the D-person says it’s best if abuse survivors "get away from all the talk about abuse for awhile" so they can have sex. i want to say, here on a.a.r. where i can be more open about these things than on s.p.p., that attitude is a *huge load of horse shit*. if i had NOT talked to my husband so much about it, we wouldn’t have been able to reach all of the compromises and agreements that we did. we wouldn’t have made a list of triggers, and a list of how to either avoid or desensitize each one. if i had not talked to other survivors about it, i would have felt alone, isolated, and scared to talk to my husband. my husband agrees, if we hadn’t talked about it for so many months, he wouldn’t have had the chance to put in his 2 cents on what so obviously affected him too. he also said that my being so open about the abuse enabled him to be confident that he wasn’t going to trigger me or hurt me in any way. he was really open with me, also … it turns out he was so scared of triggering me, he would have gotten no enjoyment whatsoever, so he was happy waiting for me. we both agreed that we did the right thing by taking a "vacation," and that we never felt any lack of intimacy for those many months, in fact we both feel closer because we’ve learned so many new ways to express our love for each other. i have also learned that even though i had repressed the abuse, apparently my subconscious was still acting on the idiotic ideas of sex my dad had "taught" me. because now i realize there is a huge wonderful world of making love out there, and i feel like a flower blossoming under a brand new sun. *goofy grin* peace, karmagrrl
Response:
karmagrrl – it’s debster… all I can say is …. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY I just love a good breakthrough…. peace back atcha debster – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – yeah, sex. D*nna’s over on s.p.p. spouting her awful sex advice again and i realized i had forgotten to share with y’all some very good news. i know this sounds weird to post this on a newsgroup, but then i felt so alone before and people helped me by posting their expriences … so here goes … me and my husband had sex and will continue, hehe. no thanks to D*nna’s truly rotten advice (drink alcohol, read pornography, "endure it even if you don’t enjoy it" blah blah blah)! basically we had a lot of long, open, brutally honest conversations about my incest experience and all my triggers. then we each redefined our ideas of what sex really is. and we basically came to a huge breakthrough one night, and, well there ya go. the D-person says it’s best if abuse survivors "get away from all the talk about abuse for awhile" so they can have sex. i want to say, here on a.a.r. where i can be more open about these things than on s.p.p., that attitude is a *huge load of horse shit*. if i had NOT talked to my husband so much about it, we wouldn’t have been able to reach all of the compromises and agreements that we did. we wouldn’t have made a list of triggers, and a list of how to either avoid or desensitize each one. if i had not talked to other survivors about it, i would have felt alone, isolated, and scared to talk to my husband. my husband agrees, if we hadn’t talked about it for so many months, he wouldn’t have had the chance to put in his 2 cents on what so obviously affected him too. he also said that my being so open about the abuse enabled him to be confident that he wasn’t going to trigger me or hurt me in any way. he was really open with me, also … it turns out he was so scared of triggering me, he would have gotten no enjoyment whatsoever, so he was happy waiting for me. we both agreed that we did the right thing by taking a "vacation," and that we never felt any lack of intimacy for those many months, in fact we both feel closer because we’ve learned so many new ways to express our love for each other. i have also learned that even though i had repressed the abuse, apparently my subconscious was still acting on the idiotic ideas of sex my dad had "taught" me. because now i realize there is a huge wonderful world of making love out there, and i feel like a flower blossoming under a brand new sun. *goofy grin* peace, karmagrrl
Did he make you cry, make you break down, shatter your illusions of love…is it over now…..do you know how, to pick up the pieces and go on -Fleetwood Mac-
Response:
yeah, sex. D*nna’s over on s.p.p. spouting her awful sex advice again and i realized i had forgotten to share with y’all some very good news. i know this sounds weird to post this on a newsgroup, but then i felt so alone before and people helped me by posting their expriences … so here goes … me and my husband had sex and will continue, hehe. no thanks to D*nna’s truly rotten advice (drink alcohol, read pornography, "endure it even if you don’t enjoy it" blah blah blah)! basically we had a lot of long, open, brutally honest conversations about my incest experience and all my triggers. then we each redefined our ideas of what sex really is. and we basically came to a huge breakthrough one night, and, well there ya go. the D-person says it’s best if abuse survivors "get away from all the talk about abuse for awhile" so they can have sex. i want to say, here on a.a.r. where i can be more open about these things than on s.p.p., that attitude is a *huge load of horse shit*. if i had NOT talked to my husband so much about it, we wouldn’t have been able to reach all of the compromises and agreements that we did. we wouldn’t have made a list of triggers, and a list of how to either avoid or desensitize each one. if i had not talked to other survivors about it, i would have felt alone, isolated, and scared to talk to my husband. my husband agrees, if we hadn’t talked about it for so many months, he wouldn’t have had the chance to put in his 2 cents on what so obviously affected him too. he also said that my being so open about the abuse enabled him to be confident that he wasn’t going to trigger me or hurt me in any way. he was really open with me, also … it turns out he was so scared of triggering me, he would have gotten no enjoyment whatsoever, so he was happy waiting for me. we both agreed that we did the right thing by taking a "vacation," and that we never felt any lack of intimacy for those many months, in fact we both feel closer because we’ve learned so many new ways to express our love for each other. i have also learned that even though i had repressed the abuse, apparently my subconscious was still acting on the idiotic ideas of sex my dad had "taught" me. because now i realize there is a huge wonderful world of making love out there, and i feel like a flower blossoming under a brand new sun. *goofy grin* peace, karmagrrl
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