Question:
Iny( I hope I spelled that right) I am on ssd and guess who the payee is? My mom. Yes,,,I understand what you are saying. Even tho my mom hasn’t been the original abuser, My t believes she played a big part in it. So, she is controlling and manipulative. Even tho I am married, she won’t turn over the payee position as long as she can keep from it. My advice is that when you get it,,,get a payee that you can trust! Don’t name your mom as a payee, and then tell them why. Find someone else to do it, or you will never be away from the situation you are in. grayer than gray Graymoth http://www.delphi.com/indianasoldiers/messages http://www.delphi.com/poetsroundtable/messages http://community.webtv.net/graymoth/GraymothsHomePage
Response:
Iny( I hope I spelled that right) I am on ssd and guess who the payee is? My mom. Yes,,,I understand what you are saying. Even tho my mom hasn’t been the original abuser, My t believes she played a big part in it. So, she is controlling and manipulative. Even tho I am married, she won’t turn over the payee position as long as she can keep from it. My advice is that when you get it,,,get a payee that you can trust! Don’t name your mom as a payee, and then tell them why. Find someone else to do it, or you will never be away from the situation you are in. grayer than gray Graymoth
your ssd payments go to your mom? how come? mine go to me. tv — For info about this service, see http://www.twwells.com/anon/ or e-mail:
Response:
Kathy, thank you for responding– why aren’t you the payee from the start?? this is scary. do they not automatically award it to us? after all we are the ones who worked to earn it all these years! i might as well not even bother if mother will get the check! i don’t understand— lny
Response:
Don’t panic just yet! I was dx with MPD before I was 18, so when I started collecting, they made my mom payee since I was under age. They may not do that with you. If you can show where you have an account at a bank, and can keep it ok, they may never even question it. 
My situation was just a bit different. That’s because of my age. My mom just won’t let me change it now. I am 36, and still can’t keep my own account. I switch way too much too keep track of what is going on. :) LOL. Just one of those pesky little things to put up with.
Response:
anyway this past year i remembered my abuse and am having therapy for did, ptsd. also on meds for schizo-affective free from county. awaiting hearing with judge for ssd, may be a year away.
think ive said this before but, me too ) my first hearing with a judge is coming up feb. 7th. they have already denied me twice, also becuase im ‘too smart’. im 33. mother when confronted with abuse accused me of ‘always dreaming up stuff’ and not mentioned again.
me too 
( problem is, mother is supporting me now, no financial hardship for her she is a successful professional who still at 82 goes to her office daily,
this would suck ) whereas although some tests proved i have a high IQ the trauma has kept me from functioning as i should have, i have lost my life.
hope the ssi people believe it this time. they keep saying i am too smart also.. but, im still ttotally non functional. i canot get my daughter to school or even leave the house most days. i dont call that functional. my long range plan was to get ssd, be about $650.00 a month, then you can earn up to $700.00 afer that, i could earn that maybe at walmart being a greeter. what a life, that is still very little.
i hope you can do that at least it would be ‘your’ life sorry this is so long, it just troubles me so much to depend on her, i think she likes the control too. oh if i could win the lottery, or find a wealthy SO :) there is no one in my life, my only friend died 2 years ago. can anyone relate to this mess??
lny, this has been almost the worst weekend ive ever had, for many of the same problems ) dealing with no money, and all that can make you feel like…. well…. i dont wanna give anyone any ideas. but, yes, i relate, to a lot of your situation right now and i hope things get better for you. my life sucks right now, i jsut want to say, i do relate! if nothing else. anna thank you all, i want to add that this group has been wonderful to me, or us. lny
– ‘the softest of all soft things overrides the hardest of things….’ — i ching "blessed am i to dwell in this beautiful temple"
Response:
i am a 53 year old woman who has been unable to work to support myself marginally for over 2 years. i never did earn much, i am computer illiterate and worked in healthcare. anyway this past year i remembered my abuse and am having therapy for did, ptsd. also on meds for schizo-affective free from county. awaiting hearing with judge for ssd, may be a year away. mother when confronted with abuse accused me of ‘always dreaming up stuff’ and not mentioned again. problem is, mother is supporting me now, no financial hardship for her she is a successful professional who still at 82 goes to her office daily, whereas although some tests proved i have a high IQ the trauma has kept me from functioning as i should have, i have lost my life. but i know it is just SICK for her to support me now, talkabout depending on your abuser. i might add that she gives me very little, i live in poverty while her home is worth 3 million. my long range plan was to get ssd, be about $650.00 a month, then you can earn up to $700.00 afer that, i could earn that maybe at walmart being a greeter. what a life, that is still very little. sorry this is so long, it just troubles me so much to depend on her, i think she likes the control too. oh if i could win the lottery, or find a wealthy SO :) there is no one in my life, my only friend died 2 years ago. can anyone relate to this mess?? thank you all, i want to add that this group has been wonderful to me, or us. lny
Response:
By the way Iny,,,I’ll be your friend any day!! <grin grayer than gray Graymoth http://www.delphi.com/indianasoldiers/messages http://www.delphi.com/poetsroundtable/messages http://community.webtv.net/graymoth/GraymothsHomePage
Response:
thank you Tess. your support means a lot to me. and our situations are simliar. i will remember that about my mother owing me and i should accept her help with a clear conscience. this goes back to a common theme for all of us (well many of us) that we don’t feel we deserve anything, even to the point of deserving to feel alive. that we were given everything, had a perfect childhood, and we are at fault for not being ‘better’. how i struggle with those feelings even though i know i was just an innocent child, always drawn to feeling i was a bad child. an embarrassment to parents. deliberately behaving in a crazy way. refusing to just ‘act right’. i honestly felt they wanted to kill me on some level that they of course could never accept. maybe this is why my situation now is so threatening, the dependency feels life-threatening to a child in here. lny
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i am a 53 year old woman who has been unable to work to support myself marginally for over 2 years. i never did earn much, i am computer illiterate and worked in healthcare. anyway this past year i remembered my abuse and am having therapy for did, ptsd. also on meds for schizo-affective free from county. awaiting hearing with judge for ssd, may be a year away. mother when confronted with abuse accused me of ‘always dreaming up stuff’ and not mentioned again. problem is, mother is supporting me now, no financial hardship for her she is a successful professional who still at 82 goes to her office daily, whereas although some tests proved i have a high IQ the trauma has kept me from functioning as i should have, i have lost my life. but i know it is just SICK for her to support me now, talkabout depending on your abuser. i might add that she gives me very little, i live in poverty while her home is worth 3 million. my long range plan was to get ssd, be about $650.00 a month, then you can earn up to $700.00 afer that, i could earn that maybe at walmart being a greeter. what a life, that is still very little. sorry this is so long, it just troubles me so much to depend on her, i think she likes the control too. oh if i could win the lottery, or find a wealthy SO :) there is no one in my life, my only friend died 2 years ago. can anyone relate to this mess?? thank you all, i want to add that this group has been wonderful to me, or us. lny Hello, Iny,
I don’t know anything about the system where you live, but I wanted you to know that I am thinking about you while you are struggling with this. We are nearly the same age, and I am also not working, haven’t been for a few years. I have managed to receive benefits, and my SO is wonderful about all that is happening. I am lucky in those things. I can understand how you feel about having a high IQ and still not functioning the way it should seem possible to function. My life story in a sentence! It scares me how poorly my brain seems to work. It scares me that there are no other chances for me to do the things that I wanted to do but couldn’t. Sometimes it makes me feel sad. Just learning about sadness. Although it sounds terrible to say, I guess that I am fortunate also that my m*ther is de*d. Otherwise, I would likely still be floundering around without the help I am getting now. Too many wasted years. Too much sadness to feel all at once. Jane Before you buy.
Response:
hi Iny, i get SSD too & work part time. when i got on it the worker i had from the mental health dept asked if i wanted a payee but social security never did. also i was approved the first time. my doc at the time said he had never had a patient turned down i guess he knew the right things to put on the forms. i wasn’t diagnosed officially DID at the time but that doc (an MD) thought i prolly was. i also have hi IQ i hope this works out for you. Rof (who is unfortunately still in Syr)
i am a 53 year old woman who has been unable to work to support myself marginally for over 2 years. i never did earn much, i am computer illiterate and worked in healthcare. anyway this past year i remembered my abuse and am having therapy for did, ptsd. also on meds for schizo-affective free from county. awaiting hearing with judge for ssd, may be a year away. mother when confronted with abuse accused me of ‘always dreaming up stuff’ and not mentioned again. problem is, mother is supporting me now, no financial hardship for her she is a successful professional who still at 82 goes to her office daily, whereas although some tests proved i have a high IQ the trauma has kept me from functioning as i should have, i have lost my life. but i know it is just SICK for her to support me now, talkabout depending on your abuser. i might add that she gives me very little, i live in poverty while her home is worth 3 million. my long range plan was to get ssd, be about $650.00 a month, then you can earn up to $700.00 afer that, i could earn that maybe at walmart being a greeter. what a life, that is still very little. sorry this is so long, it just troubles me so much to depend on her, i think she likes the control too. oh if i could win the lottery, or find a wealthy SO :) there is no one in my life, my only friend died 2 years ago. can anyone relate to this mess?? thank you all, i want to add that this group has been wonderful to me, or us. lny
Response:
i am angry about many things and i think that they are the rigth things to be angry about but it doesn’t matter bcause nobdy will isten or do anything about it anyway and i just have to stay angry because i can’r figure out how to stop being that. it feels bad to be angry like this and i cant do anything about it ia am afraid that i might be mean and hurt somebody because of being so angry so i just keep to myself and then i have to do some things that mean i have to see some people and i cant figure it all out. so today at a meeting about tenant organizing i said to a guy but we already did this and that and tried these things and i think we have to do it different now and he said well your strategy did nt work you didnt have a strategy and now we will have a stragegy and he said that it was all just me and im an individual and that mean s no power but he was rwrong because i organized a organization with a whole bunch of people and we did a lot of work together and we got new loaws weritten and we halped each other win court cases against landlords and then after the laws were written and we lobbied the city council and got them passed then the workers for the city didnt read the laws and didn’;t enforce them then i started to explain it all than and the guy said "Well I know how to get things organized. I actually have experience doing community organizing." so i said what are we arguing about. and the whole time the guy looked really stupid with his tongue halfway hanging ouft of his mouth he never answered the question but i thought he wzs trying to tell me that i didn’t know what i was doing and that my ideas are bad and that all of the work i did and all of the other people in the tenant advocacy group was wrong and useless. so i come here and write about it. i got a big stomazch aceh. but it doesnt even hafve anythint to do with you gusy and i’m sorryu. and still it is very noisy in my apartment witht he woman upstairs watching a violent movie and people ain it are yeeling mean things at each other vefry vicousious and cussing and scary sounding i cn hear every word. ithoughtr for a minute that there was a fight happening with real live people but then the sloop john b song came into it and then other backbfround music. i should neot hear her televison and music that well. every workd. every note. scary. more reasons to be angry. only thing to do is against myslef. i cant’ do anayathing to her or the guy who says im stupid and that the reason we have rat problems and garbage all over the street is because i didnt’ have a good stsrategy. and then the other one said she cant spare the time to be involved in tenatn organzing she just wantts to get the garbage cleaned up. i’m so angry and frusttrated ani i can’t even gthinkk of how to exprfess it all effectively. this is bad. i can’t do what i need to do. ia i i am sorry. i tried to be a better person. trill, dosing on vitamin x after trying not to take it.
Response:
trill, – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i am angry about many things and i think that they are the rigth things to be angry about but it doesn’t matter bcause nobdy will isten or do anything about it anyway and i just have to stay angry because i can’r figure out how to stop being that. it feels bad to be angry like this and i cant do anything about it ia am afraid that i might be mean and hurt somebody because of being so angry so i just keep to myself and then i have to do some things that mean i have to see some people and i cant figure it all out. so today at a meeting about tenant organizing i said to a guy but we already did this and that and tried these things and i think we have to do it different now and he said well your strategy did nt work you didnt have a strategy and now we will have a stragegy and he said that it was all just me and im an individual and that mean s no power but he was rwrong because i organized a organization with a whole bunch of people and we did a lot of work together and we got new loaws weritten and we halped each other win court cases against landlords and then after the laws were written and we lobbied the city council and got them passed then the workers for the city didnt read the laws and didn’;t enforce them then i started to explain it all than and the guy said "Well I know how to get things organized. I actually have experience doing community organizing." so i said what are we arguing about. and the whole time the guy looked really stupid with his tongue halfway hanging ouft of his mouth he never answered the question but i thought he wzs trying to tell me that i didn’t know what i was doing and that my ideas are bad and that all of the work i did and all of the other people in the tenant advocacy group was wrong and useless.
Even if that is what he was trying to tell you, that doesn’t make it true. Some people only like their own ideas. And their own way of doing those ideas. In other words, maybe that *is* what he was trying to say, but he could be *wrong*. Just a thought. ej – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – so i come here and write about it. i got a big stomazch aceh. but it doesnt even hafve anythint to do with you gusy and i’m sorryu. and still it is very noisy in my apartment witht he woman upstairs watching a violent movie and people ain it are yeeling mean things at each other vefry vicousious and cussing and scary sounding i cn hear every word. ithoughtr for a minute that there was a fight happening with real live people but then the sloop john b song came into it and then other backbfround music. i should neot hear her televison and music that well. every workd. every note. scary. more reasons to be angry. only thing to do is against myslef. i cant’ do anayathing to her or the guy who says im stupid and that the reason we have rat problems and garbage all over the street is because i didnt’ have a good stsrategy. and then the other one said she cant spare the time to be involved in tenatn organzing she just wantts to get the garbage cleaned up. i’m so angry and frusttrated ani i can’t even gthinkk of how to exprfess it all effectively. this is bad. i can’t do what i need to do. ia i i am sorry. i tried to be a better person. trill, dosing on vitamin x after trying not to take it.
Response:
Trill, I am so sorry for all the struggles you are going through now. IMO from what you have shared here, yes you are angry about the right things. I found for myself(ves) that any intense emotion (anger, fear, hurt) NOW- always seems to some how tap into those feelings from the past. My experience for the last 7 to 8 months is I am pissed off at everything. Some of it right, some of it just processing old anger from my childhood. At times I can be so physically angry I just want to beat the crap out of someone, or punch walls, or whatever. My T suggested getting a foam bat- and that helps to some degree. However, I still at times want to beat the crap out of something. So I have thought about maybe looking into boxing classes or getting a punching bag. If you haven’t done so, I would suggest you talk to you T on how to process the feelings your going through right now. How to constructively deal with them, process them etc. If I could I would come over and beat the crap out of some of those stoopid people in your lives. :o) Safari
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i am angry about many things and i think that they are the rigth things to be angry about but it doesn’t matter bcause nobdy will isten or do anything about it anyway and i just have to stay angry because i can’r figure out how to stop being that. it feels bad to be angry like this and i cant do anything about it ia am afraid that i might be mean and hurt somebody because of being so angry so i just keep to myself and then i have to do some things that mean i have to see some people and i cant figure it all out. so today at a meeting about tenant organizing i said to a guy but we already did this and that and tried these things and i think we have to do it different now and he said well your strategy did nt work you didnt have a strategy and now we will have a stragegy and he said that it was all just me and im an individual and that mean s no power but he was rwrong because i organized a organization with a whole bunch of people and we did a lot of work together and we got new loaws weritten and we halped each other win court cases against landlords and then after the laws were written and we lobbied the city council and got them passed then the workers for the city didnt read the laws and didn’;t enforce them then i started to explain it all than and the guy said "Well I know how to get things organized. I actually have experience doing community organizing." so i said what are we arguing about. and the whole time the guy looked really stupid with his tongue halfway hanging ouft of his mouth he never answered the question but i thought he wzs trying to tell me that i didn’t know what i was doing and that my ideas are bad and that all of the work i did and all of the other people in the tenant advocacy group was wrong and useless. so i come here and write about it. i got a big stomazch aceh. but it doesnt even hafve anythint to do with you gusy and i’m sorryu. and still it is very noisy in my apartment witht he woman upstairs watching a violent movie and people ain it are yeeling mean things at each other vefry vicousious and cussing and scary sounding i cn hear every word. ithoughtr for a minute that there was a fight happening with real live people but then the sloop john b song came into it and then other backbfround music. i should neot hear her televison and music that well. every workd. every note. scary. more reasons to be angry. only thing to do is against myslef. i cant’ do anayathing to her or the guy who says im stupid and that the reason we have rat problems and garbage all over the street is because i didnt’ have a good stsrategy. and then the other one said she cant spare the time to be involved in tenatn organzing she just wantts to get the garbage cleaned up. i’m so angry and frusttrated ani i can’t even gthinkk of how to exprfess it all effectively. this is bad. i can’t do what i need to do. ia i i am sorry. i tried to be a better person. trill, dosing on vitamin x after trying not to take it.
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