Question:
I just did a post that was spoilered, so I figure I should put this stuff in an non-spoilered post so anyone can read it. 
I finally figured out what my problem is with my career and why I’m not being motivated to get a ‘real’ job right now. It is all tied into what is going on in t’py and the feelings and such that I am dealing with from the past. Lately I’ve been talking about the feeling of ‘lost’ (I guess other names would be abandonment, disconnectedness, lack of support) and I realized that as long as I feel this I will have trouble deciding on the direction I take in my career, because both require a commitment and both require a connection from me if I want to go to the next level of responsibility in either direction I choose. If I want to just stay at the level I’m at I don’t have a problem with the decision, but if I want to continue to be challenged at work I have to start focusing in on some things. I have never had a problem with this before, but then I’ve never had to do this alone inside before either. It is different to make these decisions as a ‘not quite as multiple as before’ person *grin* My t’pist wisely decided to stop talking about the idea of ‘my’ body vs. ‘the’ body and instead focused on the idea of me not having people there for me when I was growing up. I really hate it when I emotionally get what he is talking about! 
*sheesh, this post is jumping all over the place! My apologies for being incoherent* So, as he was talking about a specific example of when people weren’t there for me as a child and I was telling him that inside I was getting the sensation of being lost, and everything was feeling very hopeless and cut off from people, then he changed gears and started talking about the people that _were_ there for me. Not enough and not very many, but there were a few. And then the feeling changed to being angry cause it’s not fair that I only got one hour a week with someone who was a nice human being (in re-reading this I realized it sounds like I mean my t’pist and I don’t. I mean my guitar teacher when I was nine) and everyone else gets _lots_ more time with people like that! And then the feeling changed to how just plain tough this is to learn _now_ and how it is either easier for little kids to learn it or it’s a good thing they have nice parents cause if I was a little kid and had to learn what I’m learning now (that people can be relied on and you can ask people for things and that some people are nice) I wouldn’t have done a good job of it at all! So it’s a good thing I didn’t have to learn this when I was little, but I wish I could have learned it when I was little cause that would mean I had nice parents! *how’s _that_ for lots of feelings happening really fast!* At about this time in the session I got a really bad headache. I think that feelings should happen at a more leisurely pace to avoid headaches! And red dress lady agrees with our t’pist and thinks I should stop pushing this away and accept it. Man was I glad to hear _her_ voice! I haven’t heard from the others in _days_! But she told our t’pist this directly and it really startled him because this seems so unlike her. It’s simple really, as long as what he is saying makes sense to her and agrees with her way of thinking, he’s right. *grin* In this case, he’s saying that sometimes there are people in the world who are nice and will be helpful and that I can ask them for things. I think this is kind of an outlandish idea, but she seems to agree with it. And to solve another slight mystery that has been plaguing me for months I figured out what is going on with the anxiety. I work very hard to stuff everything into a box during the week so I can function, and then about a day before a session I start opening the box inside. By the time the session starts things are all spilling out and are pretty intense from being stuffed in a box all week. Then I have the session and whatever is left I have to stuff back in the box for the week. So I need something to control the anxiety feelings for about 12 hours before a session and about 12 hours after it. Probably wouldn’t work if I stuffed _them_ in the box too, right? Hee hee, gotta end on a funny note. My t’pist has a habit of telling me ‘good work’ or some such if I did hard work in the session or I did something he knows is really tough for me. Well today I spent most of the session crying and didn’t _once_ comment on it (I hate crying, I’m so embarassed that I’m crying, I wish I would just stop crying!, I look ugly when I cry, etc.) so at the end he said ‘good work’ My _other_ thing I do is that I blow off compliments and he keeps calling me on this so today I just turned back to him and in a totally snarlly voice and look said ‘thanks. How’s _that_ for accepting a compliment!’ He started laughing and said ‘well, that’s pretty good but I think we can work on it a bit’ *hee hee* Rainbow Colors (Jill, with contributions from _lots_ of the others!) — I am in the process of becoming, so this space is blank.
Response:
i personally hate when therapists equate therapy to =work and painful therapy to=good work i dont like this reward gold star you did good concept what does that mean those of us who dont want to talk or tell are bad this is not to yell at you r.c. i like you these are words i have heard from therapists personally and i resent it my pain and suffering is not work and good job is what you say to a child who learns how to move their bowels upon potty training!!!!
I kind of think of it as my t’pist is telling me what is hard work and what isn’t because otherwise I would think _everything_ was ‘what I was supposed to do and no big deal’ I take it as sort of educating me on how to classify things, but I can definitely see what you are saying! dont mind me i have to focus this anger on someone so today i pick therapists
Yep, sounds good to me! I think we pay them well enough for this! Go for it! truth of the matter is i am trying every which way possible to avoid what has been happeing over the last 2 weeks which is constent flashbacks of added seconds to traumatic events i dont need anymore information shut up guys stop showing it to me i am afraid my time has come its getting harder and harder to run away and close my eyes i refuse to do good work but i may have to let go and deal with some of this instead of self harming and threatening my way outta flashbacks
~~ I know what you mean. Not dealing would always be my first choice but I rarely get a first choice. So then I just do what I have to do and get it over with. *sigh* Hopefully you can do this and then get on with life pretty soon? i just dont know how to stop this pattern its so automatic i dont know how to do good work yes writing is good and flows and lots comes out which is good and i am proud of that but verbally is near impossibly painful alter needs to pull shirt over head or face into corner to say even alittle and then crys and its too much
I don’t know how to do the verbal stuff either. My t’pist is trying to teach me. It’s not easy. Like in the last session I was talking about feeling lost and he had me close my eyes and pretend to draw a picture of it. This I could do, and I could tell him what the picture looked like. I was floating in the center of a big room with heavy grey fog everywhere so thick I couldn’t see the walls or anything else. That’s ‘lost’. Then he talked about what _he_ thinks this means and all I had to do was listen to him. This is also something I can do And somewhere in all of this there was lots of crying. That is what happened that made him say ‘good work’. Sounds to me like you can do all of this just as well as I can so you _are_ doing good work too! You just don’t know it any more than I do. for someone who collectively is so brave here i am terrible at talking and its important very important cause thats where the tears and the feelings are mainly connected to even more intensely and in writing it gets perged but then forgetton again
Yep, me too again. This is something else my t’pist has to help me with. He takes good notes and then reminds me of this and sometimes he can do it in such a way that _I_ can remember it to. Otherwise he tries to find some other way to get at this same material and usually that works (like he’ll pick a totally different topic but it will eventually end up being the original topic somehow). But he never makes me ‘do’ words if I can’t, he just finds some way I _can_ ‘talk’ about it. This isn’t always easy. try i could go back over and read more but if i do it to long after i have forgotten again[ a week or days even] thenit is too upseting or too foreign to relate too i want to be like you jill i want to do good work but i dont know how?love caroline
That’s ok, I don’t know how to either! Really! I never have any idea what he’s talking about when he says this or why _this_ is good work and _that_ is just normal work. Most of it always just seems like stuff I have to get through and put up with. So I figure you are as good at it as I am (and maybe better!!!:) and you just don’t know it either. Rainbow Colors (Jill) — I am in the process of becoming, so this space is blank.
Response:
Thank you so much for posting your thoughts. Right now I am feeling a lot of anger at my therapist. I feel like she doesn’t want to see me anymore because I am not doing any "good work." I don’t know what is going on, but I didn’t know I was supposed to have a breakdown on a weekly basis. I need to talk to her about this, but I don’t know how to put it into words. I am starting to feel like this relationship is not working. I was worried when I realized that she had the same birthday as my m*th*r, but then I started to realize that they were similar in temperament. Maybe it is time to find a new therapist, if the similarity is getting to be too hard on me. Yet, I’m scared because it took me so long to find someone who understood what was happening inside. I am so scared to tell her how I feel. Will she hate me? Please, I need some input. Is it normal to not have a crisis for a long time? I feel like I am wasting her time since I can’t deal with some of this crap right now. I can’t remember a lot. why can’t I remember? I haven’t tranced out and become someone else in therapy for several months. No new information has appeared. Does that mean I am cured? No more splitting? Help me. I am drowing in my own doubts. Shadowhawk
Response:
hi shadowhawk i am gonna snip to bottom part of what you said ok? yes tell your therapist how you feel of course and then see if you can work it out,trasference of feelings of your mother to your therapist is a very positive and productive thing that is happening and that is maybe why you didnt notice it you are not wasting her time we dont need to be incrisis to be in therapy we need to talk we need support we need someone to model for us and interact with us in good new functional ways that we can learn from a good parent[boy dont i sound smart and lucid today ,i think i'll frame this letter] no new information in months am i cured? well i have repeated and forgotten again realized and then denied for 5 straight years now unfortunatly it takes along time but one thing i have learned is be happy for that be greatful for the slowness of the pace because even though i am inpatient [hahaha pun] by nature and want immediate gratification,resolution whatever well if it came any faster than it has on and off ,over and over again well then i would be inpatient literally or ,d*ad your mind is your friend ,it knows better than you it is like a time release capsule of medicine ,administering it slowley as you need it too many what do you call them metaphors or whatever i sound like a know it all and i am far from knowing sqwat but i do know it takes along time ,ask anybody here and dont make it hurt all the time or you wont have the strength for the whole race[gee why cant i follow my own advice it sounds good take care love c - Hide quoted text -- Show quoted text - I am so scared to tell her how I feel. Will she hate me? Please, I need some input. Is it normal to not have a crisis for a long time? I feel like I am wasting her time since I can't deal with some of this crap right now. I can't remember a lot. why can't I remember? I haven't tranced out and become someone else in therapy for several months. No new information has appeared. Does that mean I am cured? No more splitting? Help me. I am drowing in my own doubts. Shadowhawk
Response:
- Hide quoted text -- Show quoted text - Thank you so much for posting your thoughts. Right now I am feeling a lot of anger at my therapist. I feel like she doesn't want to see me anymore because I am not doing any "good work." I don't know what is going on, but I didn't know I was supposed to have a breakdown on a weekly basis. I need to talk to her about this, but I don't know how to put it into words. I am starting to feel like this relationship is not working. I was worried when I realized that she had the same birthday as my m*th*r, but then I started to realize that they were similar in temperament. Maybe it is time to find a new therapist, if the similarity is getting to be too hard on me. Yet, I'm scared because it took me so long to find someone who understood what was happening inside. I am so scared to tell her how I feel. Will she hate me? Please, I need some input. Is it normal to not have a crisis for a long time? I feel like I am wasting her time since I can't deal with some of this crap right now. I can't remember a lot. why can't I remember? I haven't tranced out and become someone else in therapy for several months. No new information has appeared. Does that mean I am cured? No more splitting? Help me. I am drowing in my own doubts. Shadowhawk
My t'pist always says if something's not working in the sessions it's his responsibility to figure out how to change it. This is what I'm paying him for. What you describe sounds to me like you are maybe stuck and your t'pist should change her approach just abit. If you just show her your post she will probably get enough information, but if you could talk to her it would be great (but scary!). If she is a good t'pist (and your intuition told you she was once so it's probably still right) she will understand and know what to do next. She won't be mad at you and will most likely be thankful you broght it up so she can help. Or maybe you are just in a lull. I do that sometimes to just gather strength and re-group. I usually end up joking I'm cured, my t'pist changes something he is doing in some minor way and *bingo* things are back to being intense in no time! Rainbow Colors (Jill) -- I am in the process of becoming, so this space is blank.
Response:
[snip] I am an artist. I am good at it. But I also hate it. Its a lot of work. It can be absorbing or boring or absorbing *and* boring. And the funny thing is when I am doing it my perception is off. Oftentimes I will do something like a drawing and while I am working to make it I am distressed and dissatisfied with it. I get painfully dismayed and ashamed. I have learned *not* to trust that feeling. Most of the time if I go off for a break and come back I will be amazed at how good the drawing is with fresh eyes. This is why I refuse to use an eraser and this is why artist pencils do not come with erasers, because eraser is like second guessing. Terrific beginings often look horrid. And I also will not destroy any artwork til a day has passed.
I, uh, used to consider myself an artist – haven’t done much in years (another whole can o’fish I won’t open) Anyway, this is exactly my experience! Like, repeat the sentence starting with "oftentimes I will do something" up till "fresh eyes" – *precisely*. But I would wait more than a day to destroy something – sometimes my perception of it doesn’t change right away, it can take weeks. Sometimes I find things I did years ago and I can’t believe I could paint that, and don’t recognize it…..same is true for the really bad stuff, unfortunately So I equate work with artwork, and I equate artwork with pain, dismay, boredom, inaccurate self perception, tempation to destroy, and a very nice result that I am proud of.
Interesting summary…Somehow I didn’t realize you are an artist (or forgot.) That is mucho cool. peace, who-am-i PS I agree about yucky *jobs*! Stomp! — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – hi shadowhawk i am gonna snip to bottom part of what you said ok? yes tell your therapist how you feel of course and then see if you can work it out,trasference of feelings of your mother to your therapist is a very positive and productive thing that is happening and that is maybe why you didnt notice it you are not wasting her time we dont need to be incrisis to be in therapy we need to talk we need support we need someone to model for us and interact with us in good new functional ways that we can learn from a good parent[boy dont i sound smart and lucid today ,i think i'll frame this letter] no new information in months am i cured? well i have repeated and forgotten again realized and then denied for 5 straight years now unfortunatly it takes along time but one thing i have learned is be happy for that be greatful for the slowness of the pace because even though i am inpatient [hahaha pun] by nature and want immediate gratification,resolution whatever well if it came any faster than it has on and off ,over and over again well then i would be inpatient literally or ,d*ad your mind is your friend ,it knows better than you it is like a time release capsule of medicine ,administering it slowley as you need it too many what do you call them metaphors or whatever i sound like a know it all and i am far from knowing sqwat but i do know it takes along time ,ask anybody here and dont make it hurt all the time or you wont have the strength for the whole race[gee why cant i follow my own advice it sounds good take care love c
I was reading this thread and then came upon this reply, which I agree with strongly. I'm sure that the healing can only take place at a certain pace, usually very slow for most of us here I would guess. I've been seriously working on this stuff for nearly seven years, and I'm sure I'm doing it as fast as I can. It doesn't have to hurt all the time, although sometimes it hurts very badly. I'm lucky to have a therapist who understands this really well. Sometimes the sessions are deep, sometimes they are to do with helping me to cope with things now, sometimes they're not very deep at all. But this is as fast as I can do it. I never feel any pressure from my therapist to 'work harder', and for this I am very grateful. As a therapist myself, I can understand that many therapists get impatient with work that takes so long. However, I'm not very sympathetic to such therapists. They have a choice whether to take someone on or not; if they can't cope with the time it takes to help abuse survivors, they should take other types of clients, IMnot-very-HO. Finished ranting. Thanks Eloise for a great post. Beth -- For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
I just did a post that was spoilered, so I figure I should put this stuff in an non-spoilered post so anyone can read it. I finally figured out what my problem is with my career and why I'm not being motivated to get a 'real' job right now. It is all tied into what is going on in t'py and the feelings and such that I am dealing with from the past. hmmm...isn't that the *obvious* answer 
like what *isn't*?? *STOMP* !therapy! ~~~~~
Well, believe it or not, there are things going on in my life that aren't directly related to t'py! I'm totally shocked to realize this of course! - Hide quoted text -- Show quoted text -Lately I've been talking about the feeling of 'lost' (I guess other names would be abandonment, disconnectedness, lack of support) and I realized that as long as I feel this I will have trouble deciding on the direction I take in my career, because both require a commitment and both require a connection from me if I want to go to the next level of responsibility in either direction I choose. If I want to just stay at the level I'm at I don't have a problem with the decision, but if I want to continue to be challenged at work I have to start focusing in on some things. I have never had a problem with this before, but then I've never had to do this alone inside before either. It is different to make these decisions as a 'not quite as multiple as before' person *grin* looks like you're saying that the more connected you get to yourself, the more you notice how disconnected you are to the outside? and making choices about long-term things means not only a committment to those things, but a committment to ourself. heck, making *any* choices kind of seems like an acknowledgment of a connection to ourself--not just long term stuff. and *that* is sure scary, even tho I/we think we *want* that.
Yep! And a basic commitment to existing! I'm pretty new at _that_ concept! are you *sure* you're not me? check again, please...cuz this same issue about choices has been hanging around here, it seems. we had a really
*RC checks inside and out* Nope, can't be you unless the body hair color and height changed since March *grin* Now _that_ would be wild! I pull up to your house at the end of the month and we are identical on the outside! Freaky! :) - Hide quoted text -- Show quoted text -neat dream last night that was about this very topic. we were in this place that was kind of like some public lounge like a staff or student lounge in a school. there were vending machines, and tables, and people could come and hang out casually. we were at a table with some other people, just having some casual conversation, and were eating this desert thing from a cup--it was basically m&ms mixed into some almost-melted ice cream, but there were prezels and things like that in there too, so it was almost like it was a snack mix in ice cream, but the only thing we got on the spoon was m&ms. we ate a few bites, and then noticed that we really just didn't like it, and wasn't enjoying it at all. even tho this was something we were supposed to like (according to common perceptions, I guess), we just didn't. so we put the spoon in the cup and set the cup down on the table and pushed it away. we just weren't going to eat it, cuz we didn't like it. somebody casually noted that we weren't eating it, and we said we didn't like it. and that was just accepted! basically, what we got from that dream was that even if other people seem to think we should like something or choose something, we can still decide for ourselves, and if we don't like it, we don't have to accept it! we don't have to "eat" it just cuz somebody tells us we should! and our t'pist says that this goes with us recently acting less like a victim in current-day stuff that is happening. we are actually doing what we can to take control of our life! :)
This is a cool dream! Can I borrow it? :) but that's *really* scary, and I talked to our t'pist about that too--that it was scary, but different scary than how we used to get scared. it is more in control scary cuz we can figure out what we're scared of--so it even starts to make some sense. but it's still scary, and I still hate *that*!!
Yep, this is more scary like cause we want it and we are working toward it happening and all that! Totally different from the scary of things happening out of the blue. But still scary and that _is_ annoying! - Hide quoted text -- Show quoted text -My t'pist wisely decided to stop talking about the idea of 'my' body vs. 'the' body and instead focused on the idea of me not having people there for me when I was growing up. I really hate it when I emotionally get what he is talking about! *sheesh, this post is jumping all over the place! My apologies for being incoherent* is ok. I'm pretty incoherent most of the time this week, too... So, as he was talking about a specific example of when people weren't there for me as a child and I was telling him that inside I was getting the sensation of being lost, and everything was feeling very hopeless and cut off from people, then he changed gears and started talking about the people that _were_ there for me. Not enough and not very many, but there were a few. And then the feeling changed to being angry cause it's not fair that I only got one hour a week with someone who was a nice human being (in re-reading this I realized it sounds like I mean my t'pist and I don't. I mean my guitar teacher when I was nine) and everyone else gets _lots_ more time with people like that! And then the feeling changed to how just plain tough this is to learn _now_ and how it is either easier for little kids to learn it or it's a good thing they have nice parents cause if I was a little kid and had to learn what I'm learning now (that people can be relied on and you can ask people for things and that some people are nice) I wouldn't have done a good job of it at all! So it's a good thing I didn't have to learn this when I was little, but I wish I could have learned it when I was little cause that would mean I had nice parents! *how's _that_ for lots of feelings happening really fast!* wow! that's a lot of stuff you processed! not nice feelings either but it *wasn't* incoherent!
It _felt_ incoherent!! *grin* And red dress lady agrees with our t'pist and thinks I should stop pushing this away and accept it. Man was I glad to hear _her_ voice! I haven't heard from the others in _days_! But she told our t'pist this directly and it really startled him because this seems so unlike her. It's simple really, as long as what he is saying makes sense to her and agrees with her way of thinking, he's right. *grin* In this case, he's saying that sometimes there are people in the world who are nice and will be helpful and that I can ask them for things. I think this is kind of an outlandish idea, but she seems to agree with it. well, it's true! but sometimes, I wonder about her judgment about *who* is trustworthy... :/
Yep, but at least if she's gonna start trusting our t'pist she's on the right track. Don't tell _him_ this but I figured out about a month ago that I do trust him. Of course I have no idea _why_ or _when_ this happened. :/ And to solve another slight mystery that has been plaguing me for months I figured out what is going on with the anxiety. I work very hard to stuff everything into a box during the week so I can function, and then about a day before a session I start opening the box inside. By the time the session starts things are all spilling out and are pretty intense from being stuffed in a box all week. Then I have the session and whatever is left I have to stuff back in the box for the week. So I need something to control the anxiety feelings for about 12 hours before a session and about 12 hours after it. Probably wouldn't work if I stuffed _them_ in the box too, right? well, if you cut off the anxiety beforehand (like with a med), will you be getting in the way of getting to the stuff to work on in t'rpy?
Nope, already thought of this! We aren't going to cut it off until it reaches a specific point. You know how good I am at organizing things, well I can organize stuff on a line of 'it's only a four or now it's a ten'. So I talked to my shrink (who turned out to be _much_ more cool about all of this than I expected!:) and she kind of just said 'yep, that's ptsd kind of anxiety so why don't we try ativan at the onset of the attack and if that doesn't work call me and I'll give you something else that will' Very matter of fact and no question that something will help. I have very specific physical symptoms that are very predictable, so I'll just monitor them and if they hit a certain point I'll take an ativan. If that helps I'll stop. If it doesn't I'll wait an hour and take another one. If that doesn't help I'll call my shrink and she'll figure out what to do next. Hmm, this is beginning to sound like I'm not being totally in control of all of this and I'm letting her be in control of some of this. Hmm, now _that's_ an odd thought... As for the before hand, I'll try to keep the anxiety from being too big before the session (if it gets too big I just shut down and _nothing_ gets processed:( ) and if necessary I'll take just one ativan. Supposedly it will work to just take the edge off of the physical symptoms so the feelings will still be there but I won't be so distracted by the muscle tension and all that. (I get really freaked out when I start to think 'oh no! My muscles are tense I'm going to get a headache' or 'I'll bet my blood pressure is too high' or whatever. This gets to be really ... read more »
Response:
Lately I've been talking about the feeling of 'lost' (I guess other
names would be abandonment, disconnectedness, lack of support) and I realized that as long as I feel this I will have trouble deciding on the direction I take in my career<< That sounds pretty familiar to me. Yesterday I was talking to a colleague/friend of mine (or maybe that should read friend/colleague) and we agreed that part of our problem with our work is not feeling a part of, having no sense of community anywhere and sometimes struggling with the importance of community to our consumers. (We are interpreters, people who are linguistic minorities tend to be in very tight knit communities.) And I had thought about the larger sense that I feel disconnected and a lack of support in my life, but work seems to be the one place that I can *get* those things. I am fortunate that I live in a place where people who do this work give each other alot of support, which helps. I am actually working with others to set up supervision (much like social workers get) to formalize the kind of support we want to happen. (inside) I know that it won't be quite enough, and I sometimes feel like it is somehow cheating to be getting that from work, because I can't get that kind of support/connection in any other area of my life. And then the feeling changed to how just plain
tough this is to learn _now_ and how it is either easier for little kids to learn it or it's a good thing they have nice parents cause if I was a little kid and had to learn what I'm learning now (that people can be relied on and you can ask people for things and that some people are nice) I wouldn't have done a good job of it at all! So it's a good thing I didn't have to learn this when I was little, but I wish I could have learned it when I was little cause that would mean I had nice parents!<< Wow. That's a BIG realization. I have seen hints of it in my T'py, and I actually got to interpret a workshop on something called Dialectical Behavior Therapy that went into details about Invalidating Envirornments, which caused a stir (inside), but the way you said it makes it both then and Now, and that's the connection I need to see. Thank you. he's saying that sometimes there are people in the world who are nice
and will be helpful and that I can ask them for things. I think this is kind of an outlandish idea, but she seems to agree with it. << LOL! Yes, that "You've got to be kidding, they'll *help*?" is what I was thinking too!! But something worth considering (gee, they were willing to rethink changing the schedule so I got lunch last week, all I had to do was ask... kind of thing..) So I need something to control the anxiety feelings for about 12
hours before a session and about 12 hours after it. Probably wouldn't work if I stuffed _them_ in the box too, right? << This is familiar too. I have t'py at 9 am and then go in to work, which I *hate*. I really wish we could meet in the evenings but she's booked then. I end up feeling really spacy or like a big metal door just got slammed shut. Does writing help? Sometimes if I write some of the pre-post anxiety, it feels like it has been put somewhere that is not a box. It has been held for safekeeping, and can be returned to easily in the next meeting.(Sometimes I lose the keys to the boxes.) He started laughing and said 'well, that's pretty good but I think we
can work on it a bit' *hee hee* << I like that laughter is as much a part of your healing as tears! Keep up the good work! (me)
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thankyou beth for the compliment i am so happy when i can write a post that helps others and makes sense by love eloise - Hide quoted text -- Show quoted text - hi shadowhawk i am gonna snip to bottom part of what you said ok? yes tell your therapist how you feel of course and then see if you can work it out,trasference of feelings of your mother to your therapist is a very positive and productive thing that is happening and that is maybe why you didnt notice it you are not wasting her time we dont need to be incrisis to be in therapy we need to talk we need support we need someone to model for us and interact with us in good new functional ways that we can learn from a good parent[boy dont i sound smart and lucid today ,i think i'll frame this letter] no new information in months am i cured? well i have repeated and forgotten again realized and then denied for 5 straight years now unfortunatly it takes along time but one thing i have learned is be happy for that be greatful for the slowness of the pace because even though i am inpatient [hahaha pun] by nature and want immediate gratification,resolution whatever well if it came any faster than it has on and off ,over and over again well then i would be inpatient literally or ,d*ad your mind is your friend ,it knows better than you it is like a time release capsule of medicine ,administering it slowley as you need it too many what do you call them metaphors or whatever i sound like a know it all and i am far from knowing sqwat but i do know it takes along time ,ask anybody here and dont make it hurt all the time or you wont have the strength for the whole race[gee why cant i follow my own advice it sounds good take care love c I was reading this thread and then came upon this reply, which I agree with strongly. I'm sure that the healing can only take place at a certain pace, usually very slow for most of us here I would guess. I've been seriously working on this stuff for nearly seven years, and I'm sure I'm doing it as fast as I can. It doesn't have to hurt all the time, although sometimes it hurts very badly. I'm lucky to have a therapist who understands this really well. Sometimes the sessions are deep, sometimes they are to do with helping me to cope with things now, sometimes they're not very deep at all. But this is as fast as I can do it. I never feel any pressure from my therapist to 'work harder', and for this I am very grateful. As a therapist myself, I can understand that many therapists get impatient with work that takes so long. However, I'm not very sympathetic to such therapists. They have a choice whether to take someone on or not; if they can't cope with the time it takes to help abuse survivors, they should take other types of clients, IMnot-very-HO. Finished ranting. Thanks Eloise for a great post. Beth -- For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
- Hide quoted text -- Show quoted text - I finally figured out what my problem is with my career and why I'm not being motivated to get a 'real' job right now. It is all tied into what is going on in t'py and the feelings and such that I am dealing with from the past. hmmm...isn't that the *obvious* answer like what *isn't*?? *STOMP* !therapy! ~~~~~ Well, believe it or not, there are things going on in my life that aren't directly related to t'py! I'm totally shocked to realize this of course! really? well, I always figure that the motivational stuff and stuff that originates inside must *obviously* be related to t'rpy. are you really finding sticky wickets from inside that have nothing to do with t'rpy? wow.
Sure, the 'do I strangle the roofer or call a lawyer' type of debate, the 'do I want to figure out what color paint we want yet or wait until we actually have walls' *grin* Even the problem of what to be when I grow up (or finish the house and want to get a real job:) has nothing to do with t'py. are you *sure* you're not me? check again, please...cuz this same issue about choices has been hanging around here, it seems. we had a really *RC checks inside and out* Nope, can't be you unless the body hair color and height changed since March *grin* Now _that_ would be wild! I pull up to your house at the end of the month and we are identical on the outside! Freaky! :) [...] well, if you cut your hair, and one of us dyed it, and one of us got colored contacts…
Hmm, won’t work, the SO would have a _fit_! Plus, if I cut my hair then he would shave off his moustache and he looks _really_ silly without it!!! *grin* – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – neat dream last night that was about this very topic. we were in this place that was kind of like some public lounge like a staff or student lounge in a school. there were vending machines, and tables, and people could come and hang out casually. we were at a table with some other people, just having some casual conversation, and were eating this desert thing from a cup–it was basically m&ms mixed into some almost-melted ice cream, but there were prezels and things like that in there too, so it was almost like it was a snack mix in ice cream, but the only thing we got on the spoon was m&ms. we ate a few bites, and then noticed that we really just didn’t like it, and wasn’t enjoying it at all. even tho this was something we were supposed to like (according to common perceptions, I guess), we just didn’t. so we put the spoon in the cup and set the cup down on the table and pushed it away. we just weren’t going to eat it, cuz we didn’t like it. somebody casually noted that we weren’t eating it, and we said we didn’t like it. and that was just accepted! basically, what we got from that dream was that even if other people seem to think we should like something or choose something, we can still decide for ourselves, and if we don’t like it, we don’t have to accept it! we don’t have to "eat" it just cuz somebody tells us we should! and our t’pist says that this goes with us recently acting less like a victim in current-day stuff that is happening. we are actually doing what we can to take control of our life! :) This is a cool dream! Can I borrow it? :) sure but I think what you *really* wanna do is *eat* those m&ms :)
Well, of course! But it’s the _concept_ of the dream I meant, not the actual bits of it! I just figured you were confused about not wanting to eat the m&ms! (I still don’t understand that people exist in this world who don’t like chocolate all that much:) [...] ("her"=red dress lady) well, it’s true! but sometimes, I wonder about her judgment about *who* is trustworthy… :/ Yep, but at least if she’s gonna start trusting our t’pist she’s on the right track. Don’t tell _him_ this but I figured out about a month ago that I do trust him. Of course I have no idea _why_ or _when_ this happened. :/ [...] check inside. that might mean you’ve also started to trust *you* a little bit, too (okay, so if that’s too radical an idea to even consider, then just ignore it for now…) astri #AKA pink bunnies#
*wicked grin* Rainbow Colors (Jill) — I am in the process of becoming, so this space is blank.
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