Trauma – PTSD

Question:

Hi Gary! My sympathies to you within all that chaos!  I agree with you … too much stuff going on the deal with it all at once! When the chaos from my past collides with the chaos in the present, it’s time for me to do something nice for _myself_.  The suggestions I’ve received and try to act on include:       swimming       walking  - in strange cities, use an inside mall       meditating – in a private place (the john works when travelling)       gardening – or walking through someone else’s garden (botanical or otherwise)       praying – I _work on_ remembering that I am not given more than I can handle (surely doesn’t feel that way most days, but I do know that it seems to be true)       tai chi breathing All of them have given me a sense of ‘peace amid the chaos’ during various crises oever the last six months. Take what you like and leave the rest.  I’m a PTSD person who refuses to read up on PTSD; I just try to use what the professionals advise me in my own recovery, and share it here. Smile and you will find what is worth smiling about! Nancy

Response:

Here I sit at the keyboard at 11:15.  Way too tired to be up, way to wound up to sleep….. My wife and I had a fight earlier on tonight and I’m just bursting.  For me, I am one of the ones who seethes with anger and occasionally rage but in the "heat of the moment" I freeze.  Can’t say a word of it, always sluff it off publicly and let it build, build, build.. The last few weeks have been horrible.  My wife’s brother collapsed while in hospital and spent the last three and a half weeks in a coma.  A week into it, the doctors told the family that he was brain dead.  They further suggested that it would be best if we chose to discontinue giving him food and water.  Just to be clear here, please understand that at this point, John was not on *ANY* form of life support, only meds.  No respirators, no heart assistance, no dialysis, nothing.  His body was fully functional other than the so called brain death. In any case, to make a very long story shorter, his wife and his brothers and sisters (except my wife and I) agreed with the doctors to remove the feeding and water and chose to allow him to starve to death….  Can you imagine that?  They starved to death some one they claimed to love. Okay, for the record, let me please request that no one respond with all kinds of reasons why the family  did the right thing.  I searched and struggled and agonized over this for days before telling people what I thought and sought advice from many quarters.   I’m just trying to get it all out in some way cause it’s overflowing inside…. In any case, the call came this morning to advise that John passed away at 9:30.  I left work and picked up Katie and we did a bunch of chores like getting clothes etc.  At around 7:30 PM, we were about to head for home to get our son to bed when my wife decided to go back into "just one more store" for something for our son to wear.  I explained that we really needed to get him home to bed as he has been really tired this last week and needed to be in bed at 8:00.  She just responded that she would only be a minute.  I once again restated that this was not a good idea and that we had tomorrow to get that last end tied up but she insisted.  So, of she went leaving us in the car and I began to boil just thinking how she put her needs and desires ahead of her son’s welfare and well being.  Was I right?  Damned if I know now but I was so angry.  An 8 year old kid who really needs rest….  I guess I kept on thinking of me always being in the car when I was a kid being driven hither and yon until two and three in the morning.  Dad & Mom stopping in at every bar on the way home and leaving us out in the cold alone… So, we came home and I told her I had to leave cause I didn’t want to be there and when I came back later tonight she was all upset (rightfully so I guess) and we argued and I said some unpleasant things about her putting her needs before the kids and how that was selfish. I get *SO* tense when we argue, my body hurts and gets so stressed it takes hours to calm down and here I am now pounding at keys I can barely see cause I’m so exhausted…. On top of that, we’re broke (so who isn’t?) and work is really rough and my mom is sick and I had to cancel my appearance at court tomorrow and my appointment with the doctor on Friday to discuss more about the new diagnosis…and…and…and… and…  know what I mean? I’ve read a lot about people doing things when the stress gets overwhelming like hurting themselves and drinking and being sexually promiscuous and while I’m sure I do something as well, I can’t put my finger on what it is.  I just wish I knew of some way to release all this garbage, it’s so damn physical.  I’m shaking, I’m sweating, my stomachs churning, my pulse is racing, my shoulders, back and chest hurt.  And yet on the "outside", there’s old ironsides, chugging along through it all…..BAH! Well gang, hope you didn’t find this too uncomfortable and that noting I said triggered anything for you.  We’re off to Hamilton tomorrow to prepare for the wake and funeral.  It’s a 6 hour drive give or take from Ottawa and I’m the only driver.  I probably won’t get the chance to log in till the weekend is over so wish me luck.   Glad to have found the ng guys…

Response:

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