Question:
[snip] J eye opener indeed. The most agonizing part of this, is this person use J to be a wonderful human being, he is lost some where. I am not married J to a monster, he has never hit me, is extremely intelligent(I do know [snip] J half years ago, he was laid off due to downsizing and a corporate buy J out. He was devastated, and I felt I was very supportive of him, even [snip] J quilty. I took it upon myself to help him, on top of taking care of J three kids and a house, making arrangements with all our creditors to J save our credit and all the usual, food shopping, doing my cleaning J jobs on the side…..my plate was quite full. I went to the library and J got books out on how to ace a interview, how to write a resume, and J etc. I read them all, and actually coached him on what to do. One of my [snip rest of the list of all the things you did for him] Jackie, I think that this is the main reason why he doesn’t understand/believe you anymore. When he was at his end, you rose up and and took all matter into your hands, despite of what you were going through. I can imagine that, everytime you are feeling bad, batteling pa’s and fighting agoraphobia, he recalls this period and compares the woman you appeared to be back then, to what he sees now. But there comes a time that a person has done all that he/she can do and it’s hard for the people around them to accept that. You know, it always happens to someone else, that’s what they seem convinced of. Like my in-laws do accept that a child of a co-worker has ADHD but do not accept/grasp the fact that I have PTSD. It’s too close to home for them and I should just "get my act together".. They’ve met me as a cheerfull lass (when, in fact, I was trying to get "approval" for dating their son, trying to win their trust) who could do anything, go on vacation, visit 2 – 3 times a week.. Now I pay for that. They don’t believe how seriously impaired I am by this disorder. They do not understand why I can’t go out on my own and do groceries or visit them, take my son for a walk or cheerfully attend to family gatherings.. "It’s all a state of mind" my mother inlaw says.. And yes, she does know my history but it doesn’t make any difference. I know this doesn’t really help you much in your current situation and I wish I had an answer for you. How can you make a man believe when he’s seen you as a very strong, straight forward woman. It’s like he thinks that, if he keeps denying it, it’s not really happening and you are still the same strong woman he saw when he lost his job. Somehow I think he’s really scared of of it all (despite of what I said on Dalnet 
and *wants* you to be that woman so desperately, he refuses to see reality. Something has to be done to open his eyes again. Is there really no way you could get him to go to the therapist with you? Not even if you could get your therapist to ask him personally? Bye!
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – :I think I should point out that although you :have not been physically abused, :abuse come in other forms, sexual, mental, :emotional, etc. Maybe Philip was :right (I think Philip said it), maybe he needs a :wake-up call. And then there :are the ones who need a punching bag, and :we make perfect punching bags. Have :you talked about marriage counciling? :Cathy Hi Cathy, I must point out that I have never been sexually abused by anyone. My heart goes out to those that have. 
( Not quite sure I can accept right now that what he is doing is abusive….just dont know. My whole reason for posting was to vent, I am way past the point of suggesting therapy, reading about my anxiety…..any thing in regards to me and panic. Tis why I am at my wits end!!!!!!! I know I will be okay….. Jackie ) We seek the comfort of another. Someone to share and share the life we choose. Someone to help us through the neverending attempt to understand ourselves. And in the end, someone to comfort us along the way.
Hi Jackie, I hope I didn’t give the wrong impression about abuse, I just meant that there are many kinds of abuse, and I meant emotional, verbal, etc. Words can hurt us just as badly as physical acts. And demeaning someone and telling them they are worthless etc is abuse, IMO. I know so many people in you situation and I just wish I could say something to make you feel better. You are such a kind and caring person and an asset to asap. Cathy P.H.O.B.I.A. People Helping Others Become Independent Again Panic/anxiety Support Group, New Jersey http://community.nj.com/cc/phobia
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -To all….. If there was ever a post I wanted to grab back, the one titled *He is breaking my heart* Thank you Todd, my heart breaks for you, I know your going though a hard time and your girlfriends attitude needs a bit of adjusting. I cant give you advice on how to do that…{{{Todd}}} Thank you d, your words meant alot, and you have given me things to contemplate.I appreciate your support. Thank you Hawk, a wonderful post and Jen is lucky to have you. I will copy it and attempt to have him read it soon. I appreciate the time and effort you put into that post, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thanks Jen, I envy what you have….. and just thank your lucky stars you have him, tell him that everyday, never take it for granted and cherish it like there is no tomorrow. Your so lucky!!! Thanks MaryKay, you are a nice person and I have always liked you. Thanks you for your support and offer of letting me vent to you. Very much appreciated Thanks Arthur for your post and very wise advice as usual. I appreciate all you do. Thanks Philip!! Your post was so kind,and your offer to talk to him was beyond nice. I very much appreciate that offer. I think he would refuse though, and at this point I would be afraid to ask……. I think he would laugh at me. I appreciate you tremendously. Thanks Cathy. Thanks for your support I really need it and appreciate it. He is very successful at his job, position wise and salary, so thats not the problem. His problem is his heart. To Lucky…….I don`t know how my post helped you, but your welcome. And I think you are new, so Welcome to ASAP, its wonderful here. Last but not least…… just doing this in the order I received the posts. Thanks so much Ian, your post meant alot to me, among everything else. Thank you for one of the greatest gifts a person can possess and share, and thats the ability to make people smile and laugh. You are a gift to this newsgroup with your knowledge, support and humor. But you are still *Him*.<VBG If I forgot anyone, I am truly sorry. AOL is a bummer lately. To all that e-mailed me I will write back and thanks so much too….. And thanks to all at Dalnet…….Jon, Inky,Tim, Rony, and Tai, last night, that helped me so much, I needed to talk, and that you let me do….no judgements, most supportive and kind to me. P.S I want to thank the men of ASAP, male trolls excluded. You have shown me that *real* men are kind, thoughtful and just great. I know I kid around alot, and its meant in fun and never to hurt. I know you guys have brains and all that. I will never say these words again. And will deny I even said this after a few days. Jackie 
) I have posted some of my favorite quotes, its the state of mind I am at and more likely the state of my heart….:-((( I am working on 2 1/2 hours sleep, please forgive "The single desire that dominated my search for delight was simply to love and to be loved." Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all.. never…never forget it.
You are Welcome Jackie… I meant every word… Still wishing I could just hug you and tell you everything will be alright… I am here for you, the click of a mouse away…. E-mail me, or if you have icq and want to talk, e-mail and I will give you my number… Mary Kay
Response:
:I think I should point out that although you :have not been physically abused, :abuse come in other forms, sexual, mental, :emotional, etc. Maybe Philip was :right (I think Philip said it), maybe he needs a :wake-up call. And then there :are the ones who need a punching bag, and :we make perfect punching bags. Have :you talked about marriage counciling? :Cathy Hi Cathy, I must point out that I have never been sexually abused by anyone. My heart goes out to those that have. ( Not quite sure I can accept right now that what he is doing is abusive….just dont know. My whole reason for posting was to vent, I am way past the point of suggesting therapy, reading about my anxiety…..any thing in regards to me and panic. Tis why I am at my wits end!!!!!!! I know I will be okay….. Jackie ) We seek the comfort of another. Someone to share and share the life we choose. Someone to help us through the neverending attempt to understand ourselves. And in the end, someone to comfort us along the way.
Response:
To all….. **SNIP** Thank you d, your words meant alot, and you have given me things to contemplate.I appreciate your support.
Your welcome Jackie. I know you have been there several times for me also. P.S I want to thank the men of ASAP, male trolls excluded. You have shown me that *real* men are kind, thoughtful and just great. I know I kid around alot, and its meant in fun and never to hurt. I know you guys have brains and all that. I will never say these words again. And will deny I even said this after a few days.
Thank god for deja news. Don’t you dare go canceling this post. I may have to archive this myself. (VBG). Anyway Good luck! d
Response:
To all….. Hi Jackie,
I think I should point out that although you have not been physically abused, abuse come in other forms, sexual, mental, emotional, etc. Maybe Philip was right (I think Philip said it), maybe he needs a wake-up call. And then there are the ones who need a punching bag, and we make perfect punching bags. Have you talked about marriage counciling? Cathy P.H.O.B.I.A. People Helping Others Become Independent Again Panic/anxiety Support Group, New Jersey http://community.nj.com/cc/phobia
Response:
To all….. If there was ever a post I wanted to grab back, the one titled *He is breaking my heart* is it. At the time I wrote it, I was and still am, devastated.
<SNIP Jackie. One of the best things we can do is express our feelings and emotions in "I feel" terms instead of "You did" terms. I thihnk you did a great job of getting out some anger taht could well have, turned inward, caused you a great deal of anxiety. If you can’t express emotion verbally, your body will find a way to express it physically. Even with your own reaction to your post, I suspect you made some progress in knowing, understanding and loving yourself, which should help others around you to do the same. There’s little worse than repressed anger. It’s gonna come out, one way or another. I think, although you may not agree with it now, that you probably chose one of the least painless ways to get it out.. Gordon Held
Response:
To all….. If there was ever a post I wanted to grab back, the one titled *He is breaking my heart* is it. At the time I wrote it, I was and still am, devastated. I get to see/feel the humilation of being married to a *seemingly uncaring man* over and over, as I read the posts…… and eye opener indeed. The most agonizing part of this, is this person use to be a wonderful human being, he is lost some where. I am not married to a monster, he has never hit me, is extremely intelligent(I do know men have brains), and very successful at his career. He is a wonderful father, brother , son and friend to many……. Which makes this very painful and personnel. What is it about me, that people find so desirable to hurt?? I swore I would never be in a situation like I had as a have failed again…… My problems with this person are much deeper than my anxiety/panic problem. Yes, yesterdays incident was all about my disorder, a disorder that has been quiet for many months. Yes, I do know it affects my family tremendously, and the quilt I have about that is enormous. I do push myself setback or not, incredibly hard, for their sake and mine. During my last setback, food shopping alone was out of the question for me, and I did feel quilty putting it on my husband. So I compromised, I went with him, and week after week I would suffer severe panic in the store, but at least I felt like I was helping with the shopping. Like I said, my problems are much more than his inability to understand. I am not given the things I so desire, need and want. He tells me he loves me, he says sorry, quite easily if you ask me, he tells me except for the painful ones….. I need action from him, and effort, which I never get anymore. It seems to be an effort for him to treat me with compassion, respect and love. When he sarcastically asked me *can you walk to the mailbox* it felt like he said *I hate you*, and I don`t think I can ever forgive that comment. If I had been a cancer victim, and he thought I was relapsing, a comment like that would be unforgivable and disgusting, which is the way I feel about that comment to me. I am sick and tired of trying to get this man to learn about my illness.I have tried everything…… if he cared he would, this is not about me anymore, its about him. A perfect example of how due to downsizing and a corporate buy out. He was devastated, and I felt I was very supportive of him, even though I was scared out of my mind…. When he was laid off, I was just diagnosed with a thyroid disease and was very ill at the time, I also was beginning my journey into the hell of agoraphobia again. After two weeks of job hunting,he informed me that job hunting was over and that he would never be a white collar worker again. I knew he was devastated, and in total despair……I kept my mouth shut and flew into action, for him, for us. I never berated him or made him feel quilty. I took it upon myself to help him, on top of taking care of three kids and a house, making arrangements with all our creditors to save our credit and all the usual, food shopping, doing my cleaning jobs on the side…..my plate was quite full. I went to the library and got books out on how to ace a interview, how to write a resume, and etc. I read them all, and actually coached him on what to do. One of my cleaning jobs is for a printer, and he made the resumes for free for us. I spent every day, and on Sundays it was much of the day, reading two local papers and the NY times. I was the one that sent the resumes and faxed them if needed. Very time consuming, and I never complained, even though he had energy for fishing and skeet shooting. I thought this is what you do in a marriage, with everything all the time. And when ever something goes wrong it always my fault…… Why can`t he try for me, and read a book about anxiety for me, if he cared enough he would, and that is painful. I have bent over backwards to be a good wife, I would do anything to make the people in this house happy. Yesterday, was probably one of the most emotionally heart wrenching days for me. I have come to the very sad realization, that I will not get support from him, or the nurturing I so desperately need……I am a person that loves to nurture, kind of why I chose to be a nurse. There will never be a cup of tea made for me, or an offer to help me out with anything, or just a reassuring word that all is well. Instead I endure yelling and anger that is supposedly not directed at me, but sure as hell doesn`t make me feel good. I refuse to take the blame for this, and believe me when I say I try to talk to him about this all the time, and demand that it change, but its like talking to a wall. It will be his loss, and he will regret it. My main point of this post was to thank people, sorry I tend to talk a bit., which he hates also. Thank you Todd, my heart breaks for you, I know your going though a hard time and your girlfriends attitude needs a bit of adjusting. I cant give you advice on how to do that…{{{Todd}}} Thank you d, your words meant alot, and you have given me things to contemplate.I appreciate your support. Thank you Hawk, a wonderful post and Jen is lucky to have you. I will copy it and attempt to have him read it soon. I appreciate the time and effort you put into that post, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thanks Jen, I envy what you have….. and just thank your lucky stars you have him, tell him that everyday, never take it for granted and cherish it like there is no tomorrow. Your so lucky!!! Thanks MaryKay, you are a nice person and I have always liked you. Thanks you for your support and offer of letting me vent to you. Very much appreciated Thanks Arthur for your post and very wise advice as usual. I appreciate all you do. Thanks Philip!! Your post was so kind,and your offer to talk to him was beyond nice. I very much appreciate that offer. I think he would refuse though, and at this point I would be afraid to ask……. I think he would laugh at me. I appreciate you tremendously. Thanks Cathy. Thanks for your support I really need it and appreciate it. He is very successful at his job, position wise and salary, so thats not the problem. His problem is his heart. To Lucky…….I don`t know how my post helped you, but your welcome. And I think you are new, so Welcome to ASAP, its wonderful here. Last but not least…… just doing this in the order I received the posts. Thanks so much Ian, your post meant alot to me, among everything else. Thank you for one of the greatest gifts a person can possess and share, and thats the ability to make people smile and laugh. You are a gift to this newsgroup with your knowledge, support and humor. But you are still *Him*.<VBG If I forgot anyone, I am truly sorry. AOL is a bummer lately. To all that e-mailed me I will write back and thanks so much too….. And thanks to all at Dalnet…….Jon, Inky,Tim, Rony, and Tai, last night, that helped me so much, I needed to talk, and that you let me do….no judgements, most supportive and kind to me. P.S I want to thank the men of ASAP, male trolls excluded. You have shown me that *real* men are kind, thoughtful and just great. I know I kid around alot, and its meant in fun and never to hurt. I know you guys have brains and all that. I will never say these words again. And will deny I even said this after a few days. Jackie ) I have posted some of my favorite quotes, its the state of mind I am at and more likely the state of my heart….:-((( I am working on 2 1/2 hours sleep, please forgive "The single desire that dominated my search for delight was simply to love and to be loved." Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all.. never…never forget it.
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