Question:
Just a general comment on abuse survivors and dentistry: Many survivors report feeling frightened by the seemingly powerless position of being in the dental chair. In fact, many survivors simply avoid going to the dentist, which unfortunately means that decayed teeth are added (along with PTSD, dissociative disorders, panic disorder, sexual dysfunction et al.) as a after-effect of abuse. Some survivors report that they have an agreement with their dentist that s/he will stop immediately upon a prearranged signal. They will sometimes test it out just to make sure the dentist will comply with the agreed-upon signal. It can also help to bring someone (who is dentistry-comfortable) along with you to stand next to you while you’re in the chair, and to ask the dentist to tell you exactly what s/he is about to do. Peter Peter M. Barach, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist Horizons Counseling Services, Inc. 5851 Pearl Road, Suite 305 Parma Heights, OH 44130 440-845-9011 (press 6 if you get voice mail) fax: 440-845-9013
Response:
Haven’t been around much lately, but back. Spoiler for ab*se, int*grat*on… T H E # T O D O E # G A N G # I S # N O W # O N E # # # OK, so instead of 25 now we are one (since Sept 18). Feel stronger but sometimes lonely. Sometimes wish Guardian could just talk and tell me what to do. Have a growth in the area of g*n*tals. Had it at least 4 to 5 months, not sure how much longer. Finally told sponsor and then therapist. Of course now that we told, everyone says we gotta go to doctor. Notice I’m reverting to we here. Oh well. Then ab*se memories coming up. Made an appointment in a month or so. In ther*py worked on an image of an ab*se scene. So afraid of being sucked back into that awful place. Th*rapist says she can get me back out, but I still don’t want to go there. Had different alters talk to the kid in the scene, since I was so paralyzed by the fear, flashback that until she had me think in terms of alters (now integrated I was couldn’t talk). Asked if I was to assume that things happened later as they did or could we change the course of history? She thought and said had to assume cannot change history for now. Ugh. Did it and told kid lots of stuff – not her fault, not because she is bad, not evil world, just broken world, we’re here, we care, we’re gonna have fun and cause some trouble along the way in life and laugh as often as you can. All felt good, but later SO overwhelmed by the experience – like what it would have meant to have actually been told these things back then. I couldn’t really "see" the child, more like an image almost electrical energy of fear huddling under the covers with n*ked f*th*er there also. Then later, felt so terrible to just talk to kid in the scene, and have to leave her there. Wanted to pull her out. Annihilator alter part told f*ther, "You lay one f*cking hand on her, and I’ll beat the sh*t out of you!!" How horrible to have to just leave her, not pull her out. Eek, makes it all too real. I’ve been so gung ho, but this part is worse than I thought it would be. I was in an awful flashback wanting to drive into walls, cars etc on my way to the session (pretty sure I wouldn’t do it), and was better by the end. But woke at 2 am that morning – yesterday. Had a dentist appointment. Known him for a long time, like him , joke with him. But lying there in front of him , I was so aware of my body, of my feeling of vulnerability, of powerless feeling. Maybe I went into a flashback? It all seemed so different. Was it because I am integrated, I wondered? Is he in a bad mood, am I acting differently and he is reacting to that? When he asked how long the crown had been out, I couldnt’ remember at first and couldnt’ even think of what day it was. Finally figured out it was Friday and it had been a week. I got scared when he had trouble getting the crown done right, like he was going to be really mad at me, so was scared to say it wasn’t feelig ok even though it wasn’t. He mentioned his wife and a catalog she had. Didn’t seem to have anything to do with anything. So wondered, was that because he thought I was interested in him, or was he picking up my fear and saying he wasn’t gonna do anything because he is married? Messed up writing my check because I was so spaced. Finally got outa there. What a mess. So embarrassed by the way I acted and don’t even know how I acted. Th*rapist says now that I am int*grated, I can’t hide. I WANNA hide!! I need an alter or 2 or 3 … . She did offer to help me try to create a new one. Wierd when you dissociate but no alter to switch to. Where do I go then? I am gone to another time and place , I guess. So confused and scared. Is there another game in town? I’m not liking this one too much. Went to work. Felt bad, but better because people are safe and expect me to be outgoing and joking and so had some fun, but inside were thoughts of self-harm and self-hatred, even death. Finally home and just lie there and absorb yukky feelings. Then escape to watch Voyager on tape. My very worst days since int*gration. Why didn’t I think it would be so bad? I wonder how long it will feel this bad. Why do I have to have dumb growth, too? Is more like polyp form, probably not malignant. But too scary. Inch long, will probably need at least to be removed. YUK, MAJOR YUK!! Todoe (not too happy, haha) — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
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