Question:
thank you charla. i did have support at home (namely the therapist and dr, well and dad). but i do have support here (therapist, friends). only in neither place did i know anyone else like me. i mean there are you all, but i still feel like i haven’t met anyone in RL and especially anyone who is about my age. I have never tried any support groups, or anything like that. i guess i view myself even differently now than previous years because i feel dirtier, like there’s this scar i can’t get away from – whether at home or here, like my friends are just on a really skim level friends and have better ways to use their time. it just feels like no matter where i am at life, home , here, somewhere else, things are all the same. i am always my mother’s daughter. i am always tainted by her actions. i am always nervous to be out anywhere. i am always sure people can read my mind and know what there is to me. but then this logical part of me, the bookish part, says what the heck are you thinking no one can read your mind, everyone has some problems, no one cares that much, but i can’t believe that side. because people do form opinions. people do get senses. people can be mean without realizing it, or realizing it but figuring what is that one freak to them. me, i feel like my whole life is in that artificial stage because how can anyone get to know meif the one sphere where they would is blocked off. oh sigh. i don’t know. i even feel uncomfortable around family, close friends, everyone. i feel like they know stuff about me that changes how they can look at me. hell i changed how i can look at me. i’m rambling rambling rambling. sorry. anyway thank you for your encouragements. i know you are all trying to make me see something. and i klnow you are just trying to say it strong so i hear and not say i’m bad or whatever. it’s just my mind and my heart aren’t in the same place. take care of yourself… les. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Les, do you have support for PA and PSTD there at the school now or in that area? I was under the impression that your support was back home. I really did benefit from a local support group in RL. this one is good and I love all but before this I had one here in town and being able to get the honest feedback that way was a God send to. Maybe you could talk with some persons that have accidentally went to far in gaining attention through desperate means and have now only part of there brain or lost there ability to feed themselves. Accidental overdose can leave lasting scars! Les you are not a looser.You will come into your own one day and the road to self discovery is not easy but I know you have strength for it. The thoughts you have are just thoughts and once you find that your interpretation of them are based in the past conditioning or fearing the future will repeat it self then you can change the behavior that participates the thoughts. Even if you do not realize now you will if you keep on the road to discovery and change. I wish you good teachers and traveling companions on that road. Love, Charla
Response:
oh my god, phillip i think you were right. last night as i was going to sleep i was trying to think why am i doing this. then i realized i think i need the attention. i crave it. but i don’t know how to stop that. see the thing is i had all this attention before with my messed up foot, and once it got ‘better’, i lost all that attention. well, i’m so afraid of people thinking i am such a loser and i am so weird and i never do anything etc etc that i needed to get the attention somewhere.
I am so sorry that you have such low self-esteem. To me you come across as a sensitive, intelligent young woman, like most of us with *issues* that can be solved. I am sorry to see you suffering so badly and I would hope that quick and proper professional care would be able to change that for the better. i know it seems dumb, but i can’t stop it.
No, that is not dumb, it has nothing to do with being dumb. It has to do with being hurt and anxious and needing to feel loved and respected like anybody else does. Professionnal help may teach you how to channel these needs into behaviour that is *not* self-destructive so that you actually will be loved for what you *really* are and not for some affliction or other, be it PD, an overdose of meds or a hurting foot. As a matter of fact you are liked well enough here for what you *are* and I’m sure that goes fir people in RL as well. It’s just a matter of *restructuring your thoughts* which *can* be done. i am too afraid that if i do and if i settle down i won’t get any attention and everyone will realize me for who i am and i will just be really really really depressed.
Actually *this* is *depression* talking. We at ASAP like you for who you are and not for your PAD/depression/sore foot etc. I hope my friends like me for who I am apart from the fact that I have PD. Well, they do. Give them a chance! i hope that makes sense. i dunno if it’s really the truth or just something i made up to make sense of it.
Well, I think it’s at least part of the truth. And we *interpret* the world and ourselves to distill some *meaning* out of it. I think you are doing that better today than you do when you ask how many meds you should take to feel sick or not sick or whatever…. Les, we are *concerned* about you….. now let’s assume, just for the sake of argument, that you are doing very well, you take your meds regularly, therapy does work for you, etc.etc. Do you honestly think that you would get less *attention* here? In that case you would be wrong. We would all be happy for you and we would have fun together and share other things than just suffering…. shall we try? Philip – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – les. help make you dependent again, like a child, and that seems to me exactly what the issue is: learning how to become *independent* without equating that to *no love, no attention* etc. Just my 2 c. Philip
Response:
Les, do you have support for PA and PSTD there at the school now or in that area? I was under the impression that your support was back home. I really did benefit from a local support group in RL. this one is good and I love all but before this I had one here in town and being able to get the honest feedback that way was a God send to. Maybe you could talk with some persons that have accidentally went to far in gaining attention through desperate means and have now only part of there brain or lost there ability to feed themselves. Accidental overdose can leave lasting scars! Les you are not a looser.You will come into your own one day and the road to self discovery is not easy but I know you have strength for it. The thoughts you have are just thoughts and once you find that your interpretation of them are based in the past conditioning or fearing the future will repeat it self then you can change the behavior that participates the thoughts. Even if you do not realize now you will if you keep on the road to discovery and change. I wish you good teachers and traveling companions on that road. Love, Charla —
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – oh my god, phillip i think you were right. last night as i was going to sleep i was trying to think why am i doing this. then i realized i think i need the attention. i crave it. but i don’t know how to stop that. see the thing is i had all this attention before with my messed up foot, and once it got ‘better’, i lost all that attention. well, i’m so afraid of people thinking i am such a loser and i am so weird and i never do anything etc etc that i needed to get the attention somewhere. i know it seems dumb, but i can’t stop it. i am too afraid that if i do and if i settle down i won’t get any attention and everyone will realize me for who i am and i will just be really really really depressed. i hope that makes sense. i dunno if it’s really the truth or just something i made up to make sense of it. les. help make you dependent again, like a child, and that seems to me exactly what the issue is: learning how to become *independent* without equating that to *no love, no attention* etc. Just my 2 c. Philip
Response:
hmm. i was thinking. i have an idea of why i have gone downhill a bit. see back home i was seeing the therapist two times a week alone, with my dad once, plus additionally the dr for the meds every two weeks. we were talking about the issues that are floating in my head intesnsely. now, in addition to plain old adjusting, i am seeing the therapist here once a week, and doing nothing else. we haven’t even had time to begin discussing the issues that are in my head (the unsettling stuff with my mom etc) only to go over practical stuff, and on top of that i’ve stopped journaling. so all the added stress that over the summer i had so many releases for, is just building and building. thus my responses to stop meds, take too many, etc. i gues sit’s some form of saying HELP. but though i know it’s wrong i can’t stop myself.the therapist here wanted to look into my doing group therapy. though i’m scared of that kinda, maybe it would alleviate the situation, just the idea that i’m getting more help. i dunno. has anyone else ever experienced this kind of effect?i’m just assuming now that’s what it is. which has nothing to say of whether i should be in school or not, but maybe has to say of wether i should seek additional sources of help up here. les.
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – hmm. i was thinking. i have an idea of why i have gone downhill a bit. see back home i was seeing the therapist two times a week alone, with my dad once, plus additionally the dr for the meds every two weeks. we were talking about the issues that are floating in my head intesnsely. now, in addition to plain old adjusting, i am seeing the therapist here once a week, and doing nothing else. we haven’t even had time to begin discussing the issues that are in my head (the unsettling stuff with my mom etc) only to go over practical stuff, and on top of that i’ve stopped journaling. so all the added stress that over the summer i had so many releases for, is just building and building. thus my responses to stop meds, take too many, etc. i gues sit’s some form of saying HELP. but though i know it’s wrong i can’t stop myself.the therapist here wanted to look into my doing group therapy. though i’m scared of that kinda, maybe it would alleviate the situation, just the idea that i’m getting more help. i dunno. has anyone else ever experienced this kind of effect?i’m just assuming now that’s what it is. which has nothing to say of whether i should be in school or not, but maybe has to say of wether i should seek additional sources of help up here. les.
les, All the little stresses do add up!!!!!!! (((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) I have done group therapy and it helped me a LOT! Take good care of yourself and keep exploring ALL your resources! love, Katie — "A word to the wise ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid who need the advice." —Will Rogers Before you buy.
Response:
writes: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – hmm. i was thinking. i have an idea of why i have gone downhill a bit. see back home i was seeing the therapist two times a week alone, with my dad once, plus additionally the dr for the meds every two weeks. we were talking about the issues that are floating in my head intesnsely. now, in addition to plain old adjusting, i am seeing the therapist here once a week, and doing nothing else. we haven’t even had time to begin discussing the issues that are in my head (the unsettling stuff with my mom etc) only to go over practical stuff, and on top of that i’ve stopped journaling. so all the added stress that over the summer i had so many releases for, is just building and building. thus my responses to stop meds, take too many, etc. i gues sit’s some form of saying HELP. but though i know it’s wrong i can’t stop myself.the therapist here wanted to look into my doing group therapy. though i’m scared of that kinda, maybe it would alleviate the situation, just the idea that i’m getting more help. i dunno. has anyone else ever experienced this kind of effect?i’m just assuming now that’s what it is. which has nothing to say of whether i should be in school or not, but maybe has to say of wether i should seek additional sources of help up here. les.
Hi Les! Yes, IMO it’s a great idea to go to group therapy. It will help to know others in RL feel the same way you do. You can talk when you’re ready to in group and they’ll give you lots of support. I went to one a long time ago and it was the only thing that got me back to work (at that time). Everyone was great. I wish it was still in existence, but it’s not. Please think about it! Hugs, Di
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – hmm. i was thinking. i have an idea of why i have gone downhill a bit. see back home i was seeing the therapist two times a week alone, with my dad once, plus additionally the dr for the meds every two weeks. we were talking about the issues that are floating in my head intesnsely. now, in addition to plain old adjusting, i am seeing the therapist here once a week, and doing nothing else. we haven’t even had time to begin discussing the issues that are in my head (the unsettling stuff with my mom etc) only to go over practical stuff, and on top of that i’ve stopped journaling. so all the added stress that over the summer i had so many releases for, is just building and building. thus my responses to stop meds, take too many, etc. i gues sit’s some form of saying HELP. but though i know it’s wrong i can’t stop myself.the therapist here wanted to look into my doing group therapy. though i’m scared of that kinda, maybe it would alleviate the situation, just the idea that i’m getting more help. i dunno. has anyone else ever experienced this kind of effect?i’m just assuming now that’s what it is. which has nothing to say of whether i should be in school or not, but maybe has to say of wether i should seek additional sources of help up here. les.
Dear Les, I think it would be a great idea if you sought more help. The thing is you have to ask for it, be assertive about what you need, require. I do believe that you are crying out for help when you won`t take your meds or you take too much, neither will help you get better. It is your choice to stay in school, but it is my personal opinion that your mental well being is more important than school. You can always go to back to school, but you need to get better first. If you can`t get the proper help at college, than it might be best to go back home, but that is your choice. Take care!! Jackie
Response:
i just talked to my dad and i am going home to visit twice coming up. the first time is really for two days – including one holiday 
and the second time is three days (my fall break). i emailed the therapist there and she will reply soon i’m sure, but if she’s around i know she will make every effort to see me. i also left a phone message for the dr there – and told him i was not taking my meds well and that i could see him either date when he’s available. maybe that will help keep me on track as far as getting my needs. i can discuss with her what i need more at school and where i could possibly find it. as far as the other therapist here, i’m not really secure in mentioning to her i don;t think. i dunno. maybe we can get to discussing it, but i really think the person back home would have a better grasp on things. the two of them are also supposed to talk and kinda get things together sometime soon. i’ll update ya. but i’m glad that i have plans to visit home. and that it was so easy. basically i found some pretty good fares and my dad misses me too so it was pretty easy in settling it. did it all this morn. les. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Dear Les, I think it would be a great idea if you sought more help. The thing is you have to ask for it, be assertive about what you need, require. I do believe that you are crying out for help when you won`t take your meds or you take too much, neither will help you get better. It is your choice to stay in school, but it is my personal opinion that your mental well being is more important than school. You can always go to back to school, but you need to get better first. If you can`t get the proper help at college, than it might be best to go back home, but that is your choice. Take care!! Jackie
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – hmm. i was thinking. i have an idea of why i have gone downhill a bit. see back home i was seeing the therapist two times a week alone, with my dad once, plus additionally the dr for the meds every two weeks. we were talking about the issues that are floating in my head intesnsely. now, in addition to plain old adjusting, i am seeing the therapist here once a week, and doing nothing else. we haven’t even had time to begin discussing the issues that are in my head (the unsettling stuff with my mom etc) only to go over practical stuff, and on top of that i’ve stopped journaling. so all the added stress that over the summer i had so many releases for, is just building and building. thus my responses to stop meds, take too many, etc. i gues sit’s some form of saying HELP. but though i know it’s wrong i can’t stop myself.the therapist here wanted to look into my doing group therapy. though i’m scared of that kinda, maybe it would alleviate the situation, just the idea that i’m getting more help. i dunno. has anyone else ever experienced this kind of effect?i’m just assuming now that’s what it is. which has nothing to say of whether i should be in school or not, but maybe has to say of wether i should seek additional sources of help up here. les.
Hi Les:-) Give yourself credit for handling these changes so well under the conditions. IMO a group therapy would be a good thing. I think also if you could find some support group there at school. It doesn’t have to be for panic but also could be for depression or pain management that sorta thing where you can get feedback on how likeable (loveable) you are. Obviously you know your self best when your doing a "honest self evaluation" so trust your making the right decisions for you right now given the information you have. I definitely hear a cry for help so seek it out and keep seeking it until you find it. ((((((((Les))))))) Love, Charla – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –
Response:
thanks charla (and di and jackie and katie hmmm who else responded.) i suppose over the years, i have grown good at these callsfor help. i can sense them usually, or often anyway, but i don’t know how to stop til i get what i need., hard when i don;t know what that is. anyway, about the group stuff, there are a few options. the therapist back home had suggested i try going to al anon. i dunno about that. i get tooo nervous even hearing about alcohol that i think that woul dmake things worse. if there were one for ptsd that would probably be really good, anxiety would be pretty good, stress management, etc. i guess i could try it. i mean just sit in and see how it is. but no pressure to keep going. i will see. i’ll see what the therapist coomes up with. anyway, i will see. i won’t worry about that for now. for the weekend i will try to take it easy, catch up on work, maybe try to get myself journaling – if not like with the therapist this summer, well one of my classes we’re supposed to journal (our lives and normal things), and will definately call the therapist if need. she’s been cool about my calling because she knows i’ve had a hard time adjusting. we shall see. but don’t be surpprised if you see freaking out type posts from me tongiht. night does something weird to me, i swear later les. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi Les:-) IMO a group therapy would be a good thing. I think also if you could find some support group there at school. It doesn’t have to be for panic but also could be for depression or pain management that sorta thing where you can get feedback on how likeable (loveable) you are. I definitely hear a cry for help so seek it out and keep seeking it until you find it. ((((((((Les))))))) Love, Charla
Response:
Ok Les, you see about those things first thing Monday. Isn’t it great to write the fears here and have feedback from the group:-) Someone will be around ASAP this evening answering post and reading, in fact I think someone’s always around ASAP:-) So vent away. Have some nice peaceful moments this weekend (((Les))). Charla
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – thanks charla (and di and jackie and katie hmmm who else responded.) i suppose over the years, i have grown good at these callsfor help. i can sense them usually, or often anyway, but i don’t know how to stop til i get what i need., hard when i don;t know what that is. anyway, about the group stuff, there are a few options. the therapist back home had suggested i try going to al anon. i dunno about that. i get tooo nervous even hearing about alcohol that i think that woul dmake things worse. if there were one for ptsd that would probably be really good, anxiety would be pretty good, stress management, etc. i guess i could try it. i mean just sit in and see how it is. but no pressure to keep going. i will see. i’ll see what the therapist coomes up with. anyway, i will see. i won’t worry about that for now. for the weekend i will try to take it easy, catch up on work, maybe try to get myself journaling – if not like with the therapist this summer, well one of my classes we’re supposed to journal (our lives and normal things), and will definately call the therapist if need. she’s been cool about my calling because she knows i’ve had a hard time adjusting. we shall see. but don’t be surpprised if you see freaking out type posts from me tongiht. night does something weird to me, i swear later les. Hi Les:-) IMO a group therapy would be a good thing. I think also if you could find some support group there at school. It doesn’t have to be for panic but also could be for depression or pain management that sorta thing where you can get feedback on how likeable (loveable) you are. I definitely hear a cry for help so seek it out and keep seeking it until you find it. ((((((((Les))))))) Love, Charla
Response:
writes: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i just talked to my dad and i am going home to visit twice coming up. the first time is really for two days – including one holiday and the second time is three days (my fall break). i emailed the therapist there and she will reply soon i’m sure, but if she’s around i know she will make every effort to see me. i also left a phone message for the dr there – and told him i was not taking my meds well and that i could see him either date when he’s available. maybe that will help keep me on track as far as getting my needs. i can discuss with her what i need more at school and where i could possibly find it. as far as the other therapist here, i’m not really secure in mentioning to her i don;t think. i dunno. maybe we can get to discussing it, but i really think the person back home would have a better grasp on things. the two of them are also supposed to talk and kinda get things together sometime soon. i’ll update ya. but i’m glad that i have plans to visit home. and that it was so easy. basically i found some pretty good fares and my dad misses me too so it was pretty easy in settling it. did it all this morn. les.
I’m really glad you’re going home soon Les. You have a great Dad!!! You sound a whole lot better too. It’s nice when there are other people you can talk to, especially family like your Dad. I’m sure he wants the best for you and he’s also concerned about how you’re doing at school being your first few weeks there. Please keep us posted on how you’re doing. Hugs, Di
Response:
writes: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – thanks charla (and di and jackie and katie hmmm who else responded.) i suppose over the years, i have grown good at these callsfor help. i can sense them usually, or often anyway, but i don’t know how to stop til i get what i need., hard when i don;t know what that is. anyway, about the group stuff, there are a few options. the therapist back home had suggested i try going to al anon. i dunno about that. i get tooo nervous even hearing about alcohol that i think that woul dmake things worse. if there were one for ptsd that would probably be really good, anxiety would be pretty good, stress management, etc. i guess i could try it. i mean just sit in and see how it is. but no pressure to keep going. i will see. i’ll see what the therapist coomes up with. anyway, i will see. i won’t worry about that for now. for the weekend i will try to take it easy, catch up on work, maybe try to get myself journaling – if not like with the therapist this summer, well one of my classes we’re supposed to journal (our lives and normal things), and will definately call the therapist if need. she’s been cool about my calling because she knows i’ve had a hard time adjusting. we shall see. but don’t be surpprised if you see freaking out type posts from me tongiht. night does something weird to me, i swear later les.
Hi Les! Yes, there’s something about nighttime that does it to me too. Not all the time, but it used to. Winter does it to me too. I guess it’s the light thing. You may find a group that supports PTSD and PD or anxiety, something like that. I think writing in your journal was good for you and might help you now. I was sitting outside a few minutes ago thinking that I have a pad and pen on the counter for the same reason. I had a load of thoughts that I could’ve written down, but there were too many and all jumbled up. I have to grab the pad and pen the next time I go outside so I can write them down fast for the therapist, Ray, on Mon. I don’t know if Al Anon would make you think more about alcohol or not. I’ve heard good things about people who attend their meetings though. You have a lot to think about and I don’t want to burden you right now. Just try to enjoy the weekend!!! Hugs, Di
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Yes, I agree. That’s why I’m doing it! Only it won’t be for another two weeks. But looking ahead to it is a good thing too. Also, two weeks after that is the second time i’m going back and then two weeks after that my dad is coming here than three weeks or so i go home for tday etc. So it should be a nice dosing of home les. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – To me it seems like a great idea to go back home and sort of *readjust* yourself…..and do this more often…I think it’s a sensible decision. Philip
Response:
wow. that was a lot to think about. i’ll have to hit this point by point… first off, thanks for your thoughts and time Phillip. It might also be the other way around or at least a downward spiral which you can stop. Wouldn’t it be possible that taking your meds in usch an erratic way also *causes* you to feel so bad? And in response to that you mess with them some more. This is something you can change *today* by taking them as prescribed (these meds are no M&M’s and are not to be played with). You can also start journaling again today.
This is true. Perhaps my cause and effect is backwards. I am sure it is some of both. But I do think that just the adjustment was definately something that got me feeling down, so i think that came first. But it is a cyclical thing and I do realize it isn’t good, i just can’t stop it. Today, I took so far a little extra zoloft. I think i might take more later. And I am planning on taking extra of my night pill sif i take them. but don’t worry and try not to be so hard on me, i have NOT at all lied to my doctors but been quite open with them about this. i don’t want to do it i just think it and then force myself. i would probably need someone to forcefully stop me to stop unless whatever i’m looking for comes. i know that’s a bad thing to say, but i’m only honest. i don’t lie. well not here anyway. Messing with your meds and not journaling is not *wrong* in any moral sense but it is *counterproductive*, and *that* is the reason why you would be better off taking the meds as prescribed etc. It seems – and you yourself explicitly said as much – that part of you *wants* to be as badly off as possible.
yes it is counterproductive. i want to get myself to journal. i think it would help. but it’s one of those things i’m like oh later oh later oh later and i never get to it. maybe journaling for my class will help get me into the swing of it. of course i will keep my private journal seperate! If you really can’t change this I still feel you should see a good psychiatrist as soon as you can, maybe the one at home… it certainly sounds like a good idea to go home for the weekend. It’s clear that your dad will be
supportive…. i will be hopefully seeing her in two weeks. but if not, well i can just call her and talk. i can also email her or leave a message for her. she definately cares and responds to me i just don’t know how to get her to help – as in i can talk to her, but i have to know why i’m doing this to let her help me stop, right? *Leaving home* is a difficult enterprise for everybody whether they realize it or not. It’s an important moment of *individuation*, of getting to be *independent*. If you won’t mind me psycho-babbling a bit, it seems to me like you set out to have this enterprise fail and are ready and willing to mess with your meds, to let your foot get worse, to stop journaling, to think about suicide.
Maybe, but I do feel like I want this to work. I was so against staying home and looking forward to this semester. am still in ways. maybe i am forgetting those ways though, i don’;t know. thinking about suicide has nothing to do with it, because i can look through my journals and even on days where maybe i seemed fine through ASAP i was still suicidal (or suicidally thinking) off and on ALL summer. trust me. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – In the summer you were the centre of a lot of attention: from your dad , from the therapist, from the pdoc. Maybe you are missing that and react like a small child who feels abandoned when mother walks out of the room (will she ever come back?) and it could well be that you are trying to get that attention now by claiming it in a roundabout way. We are all prone to mechanisms like this one in some way or at some point. But you are not a child anymore, you don’t have to use cunning strategies to get your father’s (or whoever’s) attention and love, you can ask for it and you will get it. And this can be verified. I don’t know you very well of course, but maybe you would want to consider these
thoughts and this is all very true and you are quite astute (is that the word?) but i am not consciously setting out to do these things. i can’t stop myself from it. honestly. if i debate it it isn’t even real it’s just going through the motions. *if* you think you recognize something of yourself in it, it might be an issue – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -to talk about with the therapist, any therapist. I remember that at first you didn’t want your dad to know a lot of things about you (I think you didn’t really trust that he loved you) but that got a whole lot better when you had therapy sessions with him involved. Maybe you should learn to trust his love even when you’re not living at home. I can imagine that spending some time (were it only a weekend) at home could function as a *refresher course* on paternal love and attention so that you can try to put some literal distance between you without fearing that this would take his love for you away. I can even imagine *desensitizing* to this by going home every weekend and later every two weeks etc. These are just some suggestions, if they don’t appeal to you, please let it ride.
i do trust my dad’s love. i know he loves me more than anything. we are very close. he is all i have really. he is my whole family. he is my protector. i know he cares about me deeply. he has not said no to anything or shot me down or anything since things have come out. he is currently seeing someone to help him understand me and how things are to me. he asks me how it’s going and tells me he misses me. we talk often and i can email him anytime. i don’t question my father’s love at all. i’ve always felt it. maybe not as assuredly before i told him, but i deep down know and always have the extent of his love. he has lost a lot of things from his life too, and i am this one thing he knows he’ll always has and treasures thtat. i treasure him too. i do appreciate your thoughts and suggestions though, trust me. I don’t think you should *surround* yourself by more and more sources of help but I would try to use those sources that you have (meds, journaling, therapist, going home from time to time) in a more proactive way. More and more sources of help make you dependent again, like a child, and that seems to me exactly what the issue is: learning how to become *independent* without equating that to *no love, no attention* etc. Just my 2 c.
hmmm. maybe. but i am not sure i am ready for this. i don’t think i can handle it. i dunno. how do you draw that line. between relying on all these sources of help and using them to help yourself. i don’t intend on using them all forever, but it’s almost like going climbing or something, you need your safety nets. i just wanna make sure i can assure my safety and security before i try to go further on my own. like i want to be able to go out with friends and have fun, but if i just go and things go bad, i want to make sure i have resources to deal with that instead of just reacting poorly. i hope you get what i mean. Philip
thank you again. you obviously put much thought into this and i respect that. les.
Response:
oh my god, phillip i think you were right. last night as i was going to sleep i was trying to think why am i doing this. then i realized i think i need the attention. i crave it. but i don’t know how to stop that. see the thing is i had all this attention before with my messed up foot, and once it got ‘better’, i lost all that attention. well, i’m so afraid of people thinking i am such a loser and i am so weird and i never do anything etc etc that i needed to get the attention somewhere. i know it seems dumb, but i can’t stop it. i am too afraid that if i do and if i settle down i won’t get any attention and everyone will realize me for who i am and i will just be really really really depressed. i hope that makes sense. i dunno if it’s really the truth or just something i made up to make sense of it. les.
Dear Les, Everybody needs attention, affection and love. But you are going about the wrong way. If you continue on this path, there is a real possibility that you are going to accomplish the one thing that is not your intent, and that is to push people away from you. You are a very likeable person the way you are. You have what seems to be a good amount of friends. If you continue to seek attention this way, people are eventually going to see through it. I don`t say this to hurt you, but it is something you need to think about before you continue to behave this way. I think Philips suggestion about showing your therapist your posts( all of them from the last week or two) is an excellent idea. She needs to see to what extent you go to, to get attention. In order to get better, your therapist has to know everything, in order to get better, you have to take your meds as prescribed. In order to get better, *you* have to be an active participant in your recovery and that means alot of hard work, but you can get to a much better place than where you are right now. You are not going to get well by negative attention seeking behaviour. You say you can`t stop, you are more than capable of stopping this, perhaps it is that you don`t want to at this time, the rewards are too great. If you are not careful, this is going to backfire, I don`t want to see that happen to you. You have nothing to lose by being yourself, acting yourself, but you do have alot to lose if you continue on this self-destructive path. {{{{{Les}}}}} Jackie ~*~and I don’t want the world to see me… ‘cuz I don’t think they’d understand.. When everything’s made to be broken.. I just want you to know who I am……
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – hmm. i was thinking. i have an idea of why i have gone downhill a bit. see back home i was seeing the therapist two times a week alone, with my dad once, plus additionally the dr for the meds every two weeks. we were talking about the issues that are floating in my head intesnsely. now, in addition to plain old adjusting, i am seeing the therapist here once a week, and doing nothing else. we haven’t even had time to begin discussing the issues that are in my head (the unsettling stuff with my mom etc) only to go over practical stuff, and on top of that i’ve stopped journaling. so all the added stress that over the summer i had so many releases for, is just building and building. thus my responses to stop meds, take too many, etc. i gues sit’s some form of saying HELP. but though i know it’s wrong i can’t stop myself It might also be the other way around or at least a downward spiral which you can stop. Wouldn’t it be possible that taking your meds in usch an erratic way also *causes* you to feel so bad? And in response to that you mess with them some more. This is something you can change *today* by taking them as prescribed (these meds are no M&M’s and are not to be played with). You can also start journaling again today. Messing with your meds and not journaling is not *wrong* in any moral sense but it is *counterproductive*, and *that* is the reason why you would be better off taking the meds as prescribed etc. It seems – and you yourself explicitly said as much – that part of you *wants* to be as badly off as possible. If you really can’t change this I still feel you should see a good psychiatrist as soon as you can, maybe the one at home… it certainly sounds like a good idea to go home for the weekend. It’s clear that your dad will be supportive…. *Leaving home* is a difficult enterprise for everybody whether they realize it or not. It’s an important moment of *individuation*, of getting to be *independent*. If you won’t mind me psycho-babbling a bit, it seems to me like you set out to have this enterprise fail and are ready and willing to mess with your meds, to let your foot get worse, to stop journaling, to think about suicide. In the summer you were the centre of a lot of attention: from your dad , from the therapist, from the pdoc. Maybe you are missing that and react like a small child who feels abandoned when mother walks out of the room (will she ever come back?) and it could well be that you are trying to get that attention now by claiming it in a roundabout way. We are all prone to mechanisms like this one in some way or at some point. But you are not a child anymore, you don’t have to use cunning strategies to get your father’s (or whoever’s) attention and love, you can ask for it and you will get it. And this can be verified. I don’t know you very well of course, but maybe you would want to consider these thoughts and *if* you think you recognize something of yourself in it, it might be an issue to talk about with the therapist, any therapist. I remember that at first you didn’t want your dad to know a lot of things about you (I think you didn’t really trust that he loved you) but that got a whole lot better when you had therapy sessions with him involved. Maybe you should learn to trust his love even when you’re not living at home. I can imagine that spending some time (were it only a weekend) at home could function as a *refresher course* on paternal love and attention so that you can try to put some literal distance between you without fearing that this would take his love for you away. I can even imagine *desensitizing* to this by going home every weekend and later every two weeks etc. These are just some suggestions, if they don’t appeal to you, please let it ride. The therapist wanted to look into my doing group therapy though i’m scared of that kinda, maybe it would alleviate the situation, just the idea that i’m getting more help. i dunno. has anyone else ever experienced this kind of effect?i’m just assuming now that’s what it is. which has nothing to say of whether i should be in school or not, but maybe has to say of wether i should seek additional sources of help up here. les. I don’t think you should *surround* yourself by more and more sources of help but I would try to use those sources that you have (meds, journaling, therapist, going home from time to time) in a more proactive way. More and more sources of help make you dependent again, like a child, and that seems to me exactly what the issue is: learning how to become *independent* without equating that to *no love, no attention* etc. Just my 2 c.
You are very knowleadgeable Philip and I feel as though you have really touched on some issues of importance not only for Les but myself as well. Thank You love, Charla – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Philip
Response:
oh my god, phillip i think you were right. last night as i was going to sleep i was trying to think why am i doing this. then i realized i think i need the attention. i crave it. but i don’t know how to stop that. see the thing is i had all this attention before with my messed up foot, and once it got ‘better’, i lost all that attention. well, i’m so afraid of people thinking i am such a loser and i am so weird and i never do anything etc etc that i needed to get the attention somewhere. i know it seems dumb, but i can’t stop it. i am too afraid that if i do and if i settle down i won’t get any attention and everyone will realize me for who i am and i will just be really really really depressed. i hope that makes sense. i dunno if it’s really the truth or just something i made up to make sense of it. les. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – help make you dependent again, like a child, and that seems to me exactly what the issue is: learning how to become *independent* without equating that to *no love, no attention* etc. Just my 2 c. Philip
Response:
Hi, Les,I think Philip has made some ery wise suggestions. Too many people treating you can become confusing. Is it possible for your hometown therapist and your therapist at school to coordinate your treatment? I hope everything works out for you. smiles, elise
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – hmm. i was thinking. i have an idea of why i have gone downhill a bit. see back home i was seeing the therapist two times a week alone, with my dad once, plus additionally the dr for the meds every two weeks. we were talking about the issues that are floating in my head intesnsely. now, in addition to plain old adjusting, i am seeing the therapist here once a week, and doing nothing else. we haven’t even had time to begin discussing the issues that are in my head (the unsettling stuff with my mom etc) only to go over practical stuff, and on top of that i’ve stopped journaling. so all the added stress that over the summer i had so many releases for, is just building and building. thus my responses to stop meds, take too many, etc. i gues sit’s some form of saying HELP. but though i know it’s wrong i can’t stop myself It might also be the other way around or at least a downward spiral which you can stop. Wouldn’t it be possible that taking your meds in usch an erratic way also *causes* you to feel so bad? And in response to that you mess with them some more. This is something you can change *today* by taking them as prescribed (these meds are no M&M’s and are not to be played with). You can also start journaling again today. Messing with your meds and not journaling is not *wrong* in any moral sense but it is *counterproductive*, and *that* is the reason why you would be better off taking the meds as prescribed etc. It seems – and you yourself explicitly said as much – that part of you *wants* to be as badly off as possible. If you really can’t change this I still feel you should see a good psychiatrist as soon as you can, maybe the one at home… it certainly sounds like a good idea to go home for the weekend. It’s clear that your dad will be supportive…. *Leaving home* is a difficult enterprise for everybody whether they realize it or not. It’s an important moment of *individuation*, of getting to be *independent*. If you won’t mind me psycho-babbling a bit, it seems to me like you set out to have this enterprise fail and are ready and willing to mess with your meds, to let your foot get worse, to stop journaling, to think about suicide. In the summer you were the centre of a lot of attention: from your dad , from the therapist, from the pdoc. Maybe you are missing that and react like a small child who feels abandoned when mother walks out of the room (will she ever come back?) and it could well be that you are trying to get that attention now by claiming it in a roundabout way. We are all prone to mechanisms like this one in some way or at some point. But you are not a child anymore, you don’t have to use cunning strategies to get your father’s (or whoever’s) attention and love, you can ask for it and you will get it. And this can be verified. I don’t know you very well of course, but maybe you would want to consider these thoughts and *if* you think you recognize something of yourself in it, it might be an issue to talk about with the therapist, any therapist. I remember that at first you didn’t want your dad to know a lot of things about you (I think you didn’t really trust that he loved you) but that got a whole lot better when you had therapy sessions with him involved. Maybe you should learn to trust his love even when you’re not living at home. I can imagine that spending some time (were it only a weekend) at home could function as a *refresher course* on paternal love and attention so that you can try to put some literal distance between you without fearing that this would take his love for you away. I can even imagine *desensitizing* to this by going home every weekend and later every two weeks etc. These are just some suggestions, if they don’t appeal to you, please let it ride. The therapist wanted to look into my doing group therapy though i’m scared of that kinda, maybe it would alleviate the situation, just the idea that i’m getting more help. i dunno. has anyone else ever experienced this kind of effect?i’m just assuming now that’s what it is. which has nothing to say of whether i should be in school or not, but maybe has to say of wether i should seek additional sources of help up here. les. I don’t think you should *surround* yourself by more and more sources of help but I would try to use those sources that you have (meds, journaling, therapist, going home from time to time) in a more proactive way. More and more sources of help make you dependent again, like a child, and that seems to me exactly what the issue is: learning how to become *independent* without equating that to *no love, no attention* etc. Just my 2 c. Philip
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i just talked to my dad and i am going home to visit twice coming up. the first time is really for two days – including one holiday and the second time is three days (my fall break). i emailed the therapist there and she will reply soon i’m sure, but if she’s around i know she will make every effort to see me. i also left a phone message for the dr there – and told him i was not taking my meds well and that i could see him either date when he’s available. maybe that will help keep me on track as far as getting my needs. i can discuss with her what i need more at school and where i could possibly find it. as far as the other therapist here, i’m not really secure in mentioning to her i don;t think. i dunno. maybe we can get to discussing it, but i really think the person back home would have a better grasp on things. the two of them are also supposed to talk and kinda get things together sometime soon. i’ll update ya. but i’m glad that i have plans to visit home. and that it was so easy. basically i found some pretty good fares and my dad misses me too so it was pretty easy in settling it. did it all this morn. les.
To me it seems like a great idea to go back home and sort of *readjust* yourself…..and do this more often…I think it’s a sensible decision. Philip – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Dear Les, I think it would be a great idea if you sought more help. The thing is you have to ask for it, be assertive about what you need, require. I do believe that you are crying out for help when you won`t take your meds or you take too much, neither will help you get better. It is your choice to stay in school, but it is my personal opinion that your mental well being is more important than school. You can always go to back to school, but you need to get better first. If you can`t get the proper help at college, than it might be best to go back home, but that is your choice. Take care!! Jackie
Response:
hmm. i was thinking. i have an idea of why i have gone downhill a bit. see back home i was seeing the therapist two times a week alone, with my dad once, plus additionally the dr for the meds every two weeks. we were talking about the issues that are floating in my head intesnsely. now, in addition to plain old adjusting, i am seeing the therapist here once a week, and doing nothing else. we haven’t even had time to begin discussing the issues that are in my head (the unsettling stuff with my mom etc) only to go over practical stuff, and on top of that i’ve stopped journaling. so all the added stress that over the summer i had so many releases for, is just building and building. thus my responses to stop meds, take too many, etc. i gues sit’s some form of saying HELP. but though i know it’s wrong i can’t stop myself
It might also be the other way around or at least a downward spiral which you can stop. Wouldn’t it be possible that taking your meds in usch an erratic way also *causes* you to feel so bad? And in response to that you mess with them some more. This is something you can change *today* by taking them as prescribed (these meds are no M&M’s and are not to be played with). You can also start journaling again today. Messing with your meds and not journaling is not *wrong* in any moral sense but it is *counterproductive*, and *that* is the reason why you would be better off taking the meds as prescribed etc. It seems – and you yourself explicitly said as much – that part of you *wants* to be as badly off as possible. If you really can’t change this I still feel you should see a good psychiatrist as soon as you can, maybe the one at home… it certainly sounds like a good idea to go home for the weekend. It’s clear that your dad will be supportive…. *Leaving home* is a difficult enterprise for everybody whether they realize it or not. It’s an important moment of *individuation*, of getting to be *independent*. If you won’t mind me psycho-babbling a bit, it seems to me like you set out to have this enterprise fail and are ready and willing to mess with your meds, to let your foot get worse, to stop journaling, to think about suicide. In the summer you were the centre of a lot of attention: from your dad , from the therapist, from the pdoc. Maybe you are missing that and react like a small child who feels abandoned when mother walks out of the room (will she ever come back?) and it could well be that you are trying to get that attention now by claiming it in a roundabout way. We are all prone to mechanisms like this one in some way or at some point. But you are not a child anymore, you don’t have to use cunning strategies to get your father’s (or whoever’s) attention and love, you can ask for it and you will get it. And this can be verified. I don’t know you very well of course, but maybe you would want to consider these thoughts and *if* you think you recognize something of yourself in it, it might be an issue to talk about with the therapist, any therapist. I remember that at first you didn’t want your dad to know a lot of things about you (I think you didn’t really trust that he loved you) but that got a whole lot better when you had therapy sessions with him involved. Maybe you should learn to trust his love even when you’re not living at home. I can imagine that spending some time (were it only a weekend) at home could function as a *refresher course* on paternal love and attention so that you can try to put some literal distance between you without fearing that this would take his love for you away. I can even imagine *desensitizing* to this by going home every weekend and later every two weeks etc. These are just some suggestions, if they don’t appeal to you, please let it ride. The therapist wanted to look into my doing group therapy though i’m scared of that kinda, maybe it would alleviate the situation, just the idea that i’m getting more help. i dunno. has anyone else ever experienced this kind of effect?i’m just assuming now that’s what it is. which has nothing to say of whether i should be in school or not, but maybe has to say of wether i should seek additional sources of help up here. les.
I don’t think you should *surround* yourself by more and more sources of help but I would try to use those sources that you have (meds, journaling, therapist, going home from time to time) in a more proactive way. More and more sources of help make you dependent again, like a child, and that seems to me exactly what the issue is: learning how to become *independent* without equating that to *no love, no attention* etc. Just my 2 c. Philip
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