Question:
Hello to all and thanks again to those who are always ready to support me. I saw the new t day before yesterday and it was very very weird. He works in the same building same floor as the bad horrible t who nearly did me in a few years back. But it wasn’t so bad being there.It wasn’t bad because of that. His office is great! Corner with lots of windows and TOYS!!!!! The kids were thrilled! It is busy but not messy, big floor cushions, lots to look at and lots of stuff to use. Maybe he’ll let us? Maybe someday we won’t be afraid to? He was, I think, a little swamped with my files and things. We sort of did the regular history taking stuff, and I was there, not gone, talking, not mute. I was actually amazed by this. That evening and yesterday morning, things were not so good, though. It had felt like there was no connection at all, like something was very wrong with what had happened there. I wasn’t sure what was wrong, but something was. I didn’t know if I had been not there, or not allowing him to get anywhere near me, but it didn’t feel like that to me. I went to the gym and thought about it, trying not to cry all morning. I just got home at lunchtime and he called! Kind of worried about how it had gone. Isn’t that kind? He seems very nice and calm and okay. Sometimes funny, which is a requirement. Did I mention the toys? And stuff to make tea, too! And drawings on the wall that others have made for him. And he put them up! anyway he talked for a while yesterday on the phone, offered two more appointments before he goes on holiday, so we’re going back tomorrow, hopeful that it will be better.He has set me up a regular time already too. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to until maybe a month or two from now. He said he had read my journal, the one I wrote after my t died. And he thanked me for trusting him with it. And said that must have been hard to share. He’s trying to read all my files. Poor him! I feel grateful that he is working so hard to learn about me. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better in the connection department. I think it will be. I felt connection over the phone, so why was it weird in person? I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes. I’m not too worried, now that he called to say he’d felt a similar way about our first meeting. I do think I’m ready for this. I’m ready for him to be him, and not my other t. I’m ready for help. Desperate for it. At some breaking point soon, I think, if I don’t get it. I think from reading my little journal, he will know a lot about what has gone on and how I am since my d di*d. Maybe that will give us a place to begin to talk. funny how it is that I <want to talk! Me, the one who hates talking. Finally to a place where I know it will help. WEEEEEIRD!!! <G I am hopeful that I will be okay. And I know, like the SG said, that it will be awful first. But maybe this man will be my Blumenfeld? jane who hopes so
Response:
Hi jane…. All of this sounds very promising to me. A T that read your journal and made a was the first time!! I’ve got a good feeling that this is going to work our really well for you. Sounds like you’re doing all the right things to take care of yourself. Take care… Nahanton – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Hello to all and thanks again to those who are always ready to support me. I saw the new t day before yesterday and it was very very weird. He works in the same building same floor as the bad horrible t who nearly did me in a few years back. But it wasn’t so bad being there.It wasn’t bad because of that. His office is great! Corner with lots of windows and TOYS!!!!! The kids were thrilled! It is busy but not messy, big floor cushions, lots to look at and lots of stuff to use. Maybe he’ll let us? Maybe someday we won’t be afraid to? He was, I think, a little swamped with my files and things. We sort of did the regular history taking stuff, and I was there, not gone, talking, not mute. I was actually amazed by this. That evening and yesterday morning, things were not so good, though. It had felt like there was no connection at all, like something was very wrong with what had happened there. I wasn’t sure what was wrong, but something was. I didn’t know if I had been not there, or not allowing him to get anywhere near me, but it didn’t feel like that to me. I went to the gym and thought about it, trying not to cry all morning. I just got home at lunchtime and he called! Kind of worried about how it had gone. Isn’t that kind? He seems very nice and calm and okay. Sometimes funny, which is a requirement. Did I mention the toys? And stuff to make tea, too! And drawings on the wall that others have made for him. And he put them up! anyway he talked for a while yesterday on the phone, offered two more appointments before he goes on holiday, so we’re going back tomorrow, hopeful that it will be better.He has set me up a regular time already too. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to until maybe a month or two from now. He said he had read my journal, the one I wrote after my t died. And he thanked me for trusting him with it. And said that must have been hard to share. He’s trying to read all my files. Poor him! I feel grateful that he is working so hard to learn about me. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better in the connection department. I think it will be. I felt connection over the phone, so why was it weird in person? I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes. I’m not too worried, now that he called to say he’d felt a similar way about our first meeting. I do think I’m ready for this. I’m ready for him to be him, and not my other t. I’m ready for help. Desperate for it. At some breaking point soon, I think, if I don’t get it. I think from reading my little journal, he will know a lot about what has gone on and how I am since my d di*d. Maybe that will give us a place to begin to talk. funny how it is that I <want to talk! Me, the one who hates talking. Finally to a place where I know it will help. WEEEEEIRD!!! <G I am hopeful that I will be okay. And I know, like the SG said, that it will be awful first. But maybe this man will be my Blumenfeld? jane who hopes so
Response:
So maybe the feeling you describe is ‘guilt’ cause you like him and feels like a betrayal of your ‘real’ t’pist? If so, this is really really normal and common and been there, done that. Heck, I considered commuting 1300 miles once a week or so to keep my bestest t’pist when we moved. _Everyone_ decided this was just plain nuts so we didn’t do it 
I think your other t’pist (cause I can’t say ex or past or old cause that doesn’t feel right) is very happy that you found someone good and is probly patting himself on the back that you were able to talk to this guy so early on. I think t’pists have too big an ego. _He_ takes the credit and you do all the work! So, t’pist if you are aware of this post 
~~ _they_ did the work, you were just the guide Rainbow Colors (Jill) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello to all and thanks again to those who are always ready to support me. I saw the new t day before yesterday and it was very very weird. He works in the same building same floor as the bad horrible t who nearly did me in a few years back. But it wasn’t so bad being there.It wasn’t bad because of that. His office is great! Corner with lots of windows and TOYS!!!!! The kids were thrilled! It is busy but not messy, big floor cushions, lots to look at and lots of stuff to use. Maybe he’ll let us? Maybe someday we won’t be afraid to? He was, I think, a little swamped with my files and things. We sort of did the regular history taking stuff, and I was there, not gone, talking, not mute. I was actually amazed by this. That evening and yesterday morning, things were not so good, though. It had felt like there was no connection at all, like something was very wrong with what had happened there. I wasn’t sure what was wrong, but something was. I didn’t know if I had been not there, or not allowing him to get anywhere near me, but it didn’t feel like that to me. I went to the gym and thought about it, trying not to cry all morning. I just got home at lunchtime and he called! Kind of worried about how it had gone. Isn’t that kind? He seems very nice and calm and okay. Sometimes funny, which is a requirement. Did I mention the toys? And stuff to make tea, too! And drawings on the wall that others have made for him. And he put them up! anyway he talked for a while yesterday on the phone, offered two more appointments before he goes on holiday, so we’re going back tomorrow, hopeful that it will be better.He has set me up a regular time already too. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to until maybe a month or two from now. He said he had read my journal, the one I wrote after my t died. And he thanked me for trusting him with it. And said that must have been hard to share. He’s trying to read all my files. Poor him! I feel grateful that he is working so hard to learn about me. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better in the connection department. I think it will be. I felt connection over the phone, so why was it weird in person? I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes. I’m not too worried, now that he called to say he’d felt a similar way about our first meeting. I do think I’m ready for this. I’m ready for him to be him, and not my other t. I’m ready for help. Desperate for it. At some breaking point soon, I think, if I don’t get it. I think from reading my little journal, he will know a lot about what has gone on and how I am since my d di*d. Maybe that will give us a place to begin to talk. funny how it is that I <want to talk! Me, the one who hates talking. Finally to a place where I know it will help. WEEEEEIRD!!! <G I am hopeful that I will be okay. And I know, like the SG said, that it will be awful first. But maybe this man will be my Blumenfeld? jane who hopes so
– The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.
Response:
Yeah, nahanton, it seems promising to me, too. He called after that first appointment and made two more close together, yesterday and next Tuesday before he goes on holiday for twelve days. He’s great. And he has already found a spot for me, Mondays. He actually talks! And he wrote in my present journal, and read and underlined with highlighter and made little comments about what he read. AS he talked!And he put stickers in the book for the kids. We feel kinda weird, but I think that can’t be helped in this circumstance. He knows to walk down the hallway ahead of us. :0) This guy has experience that our other t didn’t. And I think it is going to help us. We are feeling hopeful. jane who appreciates your support, as always. You are a good friend. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi jane…. All of this sounds very promising to me. A T that read your journal and made a was the first time!! I’ve got a good feeling that this is going to work our really well for you. Sounds like you’re doing all the right things to take care of yourself. Take care… Nahanton Hello to all and thanks again to those who are always ready to support me. I saw the new t day before yesterday and it was very very weird. He works in the same building same floor as the bad horrible t who nearly did me in a few years back. But it wasn’t so bad being there.It wasn’t bad because of that. His office is great! Corner with lots of windows and TOYS!!!!! The kids were thrilled! It is busy but not messy, big floor cushions, lots to look at and lots of stuff to use. Maybe he’ll let us? Maybe someday we won’t be afraid to? He was, I think, a little swamped with my files and things. We sort of did the regular history taking stuff, and I was there, not gone, talking, not mute. I was actually amazed by this. That evening and yesterday morning, things were not so good, though. It had felt like there was no connection at all, like something was very wrong with what had happened there. I wasn’t sure what was wrong, but something was. I didn’t know if I had been not there, or not allowing him to get anywhere near me, but it didn’t feel like that to me. I went to the gym and thought about it, trying not to cry all morning. I just got home at lunchtime and he called! Kind of worried about how it had gone. Isn’t that kind? He seems very nice and calm and okay. Sometimes funny, which is a requirement. Did I mention the toys? And stuff to make tea, too! And drawings on the wall that others have made for him. And he put them up! anyway he talked for a while yesterday on the phone, offered two more appointments before he goes on holiday, so we’re going back tomorrow, hopeful that it will be better.He has set me up a regular time already too. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to until maybe a month or two from now. He said he had read my journal, the one I wrote after my t died. And he thanked me for trusting him with it. And said that must have been hard to share. He’s trying to read all my files. Poor him! I feel grateful that he is working so hard to learn about me. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better in the connection department. I think it will be. I felt connection over the phone, so why was it weird in person? I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes. I’m not too worried, now that he called to say he’d felt a similar way about our first meeting. I do think I’m ready for this. I’m ready for him to be him, and not my other t. I’m ready for help. Desperate for it. At some breaking point soon, I think, if I don’t get it. I think from reading my little journal, he will know a lot about what has gone on and how I am since my d di*d. Maybe that will give us a place to begin to talk. funny how it is that I <want to talk! Me, the one who hates talking. Finally to a place where I know it will help. WEEEEEIRD!!! <G I am hopeful that I will be okay. And I know, like the SG said, that it will be awful first. But maybe this man will be my Blumenfeld? jane who hopes so
Response:
am keeping you in my thoughts. *happy thoughts, happy thoughts* :) still wanna get together with you sometime, if you want. lemme know what you think! jt
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello to all and thanks again to those who are always ready to support me. I saw the new t day before yesterday and it was very very weird. He works in the same building same floor as the bad horrible t who nearly did me in a few years back. But it wasn’t so bad being there.It wasn’t bad because of that. His office is great! Corner with lots of windows and TOYS!!!!! The kids were thrilled! It is busy but not messy, big floor cushions, lots to look at and lots of stuff to use. Maybe he’ll let us? Maybe someday we won’t be afraid to? He was, I think, a little swamped with my files and things. We sort of did the regular history taking stuff, and I was there, not gone, talking, not mute. I was actually amazed by this. That evening and yesterday morning, things were not so good, though. It had felt like there was no connection at all, like something was very wrong with what had happened there. I wasn’t sure what was wrong, but something was. I didn’t know if I had been not there, or not allowing him to get anywhere near me, but it didn’t feel like that to me. I went to the gym and thought about it, trying not to cry all morning. I just got home at lunchtime and he called! Kind of worried about how it had gone. Isn’t that kind? He seems very nice and calm and okay. Sometimes funny, which is a requirement. Did I mention the toys? And stuff to make tea, too! And drawings on the wall that others have made for him. And he put them up! anyway he talked for a while yesterday on the phone, offered two more appointments before he goes on holiday, so we’re going back tomorrow, hopeful that it will be better.He has set me up a regular time already too. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to until maybe a month or two from now. He said he had read my journal, the one I wrote after my t died. And he thanked me for trusting him with it. And said that must have been hard to share. He’s trying to read all my files. Poor him! I feel grateful that he is working so hard to learn about me. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better in the connection department. I think it will be. I felt connection over the phone, so why was it weird in person? I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes. I’m not too worried, now that he called to say he’d felt a similar way about our first meeting. I do think I’m ready for this. I’m ready for him to be him, and not my other t. I’m ready for help. Desperate for it. At some breaking point soon, I think, if I don’t get it. I think from reading my little journal, he will know a lot about what has gone on and how I am since my d di*d. Maybe that will give us a place to begin to talk. funny how it is that I <want to talk! Me, the one who hates talking. Finally to a place where I know it will help. WEEEEEIRD!!! <G I am hopeful that I will be okay. And I know, like the SG said, that it will be awful first. But maybe this man will be my Blumenfeld? jane who hopes so
Response:
I think I am too scared. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – am keeping you in my thoughts. *happy thoughts, happy thoughts* :) still wanna get together with you sometime, if you want. lemme know what you think! jt Hello to all and thanks again to those who are always ready to support me. I saw the new t day before yesterday and it was very very weird. He works in the same building same floor as the bad horrible t who nearly did me in a few years back. But it wasn’t so bad being there.It wasn’t bad because of that. His office is great! Corner with lots of windows and TOYS!!!!! The kids were thrilled! It is busy but not messy, big floor cushions, lots to look at and lots of stuff to use. Maybe he’ll let us? Maybe someday we won’t be afraid to? He was, I think, a little swamped with my files and things. We sort of did the regular history taking stuff, and I was there, not gone, talking, not mute. I was actually amazed by this. That evening and yesterday morning, things were not so good, though. It had felt like there was no connection at all, like something was very wrong with what had happened there. I wasn’t sure what was wrong, but something was. I didn’t know if I had been not there, or not allowing him to get anywhere near me, but it didn’t feel like that to me. I went to the gym and thought about it, trying not to cry all morning. I just got home at lunchtime and he called! Kind of worried about how it had gone. Isn’t that kind? He seems very nice and calm and okay. Sometimes funny, which is a requirement. Did I mention the toys? And stuff to make tea, too! And drawings on the wall that others have made for him. And he put them up! anyway he talked for a while yesterday on the phone, offered two more appointments before he goes on holiday, so we’re going back tomorrow, hopeful that it will be better.He has set me up a regular time already too. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to until maybe a month or two from now. He said he had read my journal, the one I wrote after my t died. And he thanked me for trusting him with it. And said that must have been hard to share. He’s trying to read all my files. Poor him! I feel grateful that he is working so hard to learn about me. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better in the connection department. I think it will be. I felt connection over the phone, so why was it weird in person? I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes. I’m not too worried, now that he called to say he’d felt a similar way about our first meeting. I do think I’m ready for this. I’m ready for him to be him, and not my other t. I’m ready for help. Desperate for it. At some breaking point soon, I think, if I don’t get it. I think from reading my little journal, he will know a lot about what has gone on and how I am since my d di*d. Maybe that will give us a place to begin to talk. funny how it is that I <want to talk! Me, the one who hates talking. Finally to a place where I know it will help. WEEEEEIRD!!! <G I am hopeful that I will be okay. And I know, like the SG said, that it will be awful first. But maybe this man will be my Blumenfeld? jane who hopes so
Response:
Hi Jill, and thanks for your thoughts. I wrote today in my journal that it feels disloyal somehow to be going to this new t. And that that made no sense to feel that. And I wrote that my t would be happy and proud of me. Proud that I took care of myself and found help, and happy that this man is helping me. He was the most humble man I have ever met. Unusual, maybe? And I agree that ex or past or old sounds wrong. And he will always be with me. I can know that now. He shows up sometimes in thought or in what I am seeing around me. Makes me feel better. I know that you are right about all of this. And guilt is likely a better word than disloyalty. I am realizing that I don’t need to feel that, though. Will discuss it Tuesday with new t. He told me that this whole mess I’m in right now, not feeling much, not hearing much from inside, is the way it works. And that I don’t have to do anything. The innards will return on their own. He does know that time will fix this, but that time can use some help, as he put it. I was worried about my feeling little connection to him, but he told me yesterday that he has been keeping a distance on purpose, as he is going away and doesn’t want to stir things up too much before then. My way of saying what he said.His way is much nicer, with a soft Scottish accent. Once i knew that, it made sense, and I am okay with it. He is doing many things that I like, like writing in my journal, which helps me remember what he said, and gives me something to hang onto. He highlighted the important things i wrote about and added comments there, too. I think this is going to be okay, Jill. I know it won’t be the same, and I am ready for him to be him and not my other t. He seems wise about what is going on, and that is what I need. Someone who can sort things out with me.What is very funny is that we just moved closer to where my other t lived, and now this new t is closer to where we lived before. aRghhh. But an hour away is not too bad. Thanks for your friendship, Jill. I value it a great deal. jane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – So maybe the feeling you describe is ‘guilt’ cause you like him and feels like a betrayal of your ‘real’ t’pist? If so, this is really really normal and common and been there, done that. Heck, I considered commuting 1300 miles once a week or so to keep my bestest t’pist when we moved. _Everyone_ decided this was just plain nuts so we didn’t do it I think your other t’pist (cause I can’t say ex or past or old cause that doesn’t feel right) is very happy that you found someone good and is probly patting himself on the back that you were able to talk to this guy so early on. I think t’pists have too big an ego. _He_ takes the credit and you do all the work! So, t’pist if you are aware of this post ~~ _they_ did the work, you were just the guide Rainbow Colors (Jill) Hello to all and thanks again to those who are always ready to support me. I saw the new t day before yesterday and it was very very weird. He works in the same building same floor as the bad horrible t who nearly did me in a few years back. But it wasn’t so bad being there.It wasn’t bad because of that. His office is great! Corner with lots of windows and TOYS!!!!! The kids were thrilled! It is busy but not messy, big floor cushions, lots to look at and lots of stuff to use. Maybe he’ll let us? Maybe someday we won’t be afraid to? He was, I think, a little swamped with my files and things. We sort of did the regular history taking stuff, and I was there, not gone, talking, not mute. I was actually amazed by this. That evening and yesterday morning, things were not so good, though. It had felt like there was no connection at all, like something was very wrong with what had happened there. I wasn’t sure what was wrong, but something was. I didn’t know if I had been not there, or not allowing him to get anywhere near me, but it didn’t feel like that to me. I went to the gym and thought about it, trying not to cry all morning. I just got home at lunchtime and he called! Kind of worried about how it had gone. Isn’t that kind? He seems very nice and calm and okay. Sometimes funny, which is a requirement. Did I mention the toys? And stuff to make tea, too! And drawings on the wall that others have made for him. And he put them up! anyway he talked for a while yesterday on the phone, offered two more appointments before he goes on holiday, so we’re going back tomorrow, hopeful that it will be better.He has set me up a regular time already too. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to until maybe a month or two from now. He said he had read my journal, the one I wrote after my t died. And he thanked me for trusting him with it. And said that must have been hard to share. He’s trying to read all my files. Poor him! I feel grateful that he is working so hard to learn about me. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better in the connection department. I think it will be. I felt connection over the phone, so why was it weird in person? I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes. I’m not too worried, now that he called to say he’d felt a similar way about our first meeting. I do think I’m ready for this. I’m ready for him to be him, and not my other t. I’m ready for help. Desperate for it. At some breaking point soon, I think, if I don’t get it. I think from reading my little journal, he will know a lot about what has gone on and how I am since my d di*d. Maybe that will give us a place to begin to talk. funny how it is that I <want to talk! Me, the one who hates talking. Finally to a place where I know it will help. WEEEEEIRD!!! <G I am hopeful that I will be okay. And I know, like the SG said, that it will be awful first. But maybe this man will be my Blumenfeld? jane who hopes so
Response:
Yeah, nahanton, it seems promising to me, too. He called after that first appointment and made two more close together, yesterday and next Tuesday before he goes on holiday for twelve days. He’s great. And he has already found a spot for me, Mondays. He actually talks! And he wrote in my present journal, and read and underlined with highlighter and made little comments about what he read. AS he talked!And he put stickers in the book for the kids. We feel kinda weird, but I think
Cool that can’t be helped in this circumstance. He knows to walk down the hallway ahead of us. :0) This guy has experience that our other t
Oh yeah! It took me _years_ to convince my various t’pists to do that! I _always_ do that as a t’pist. Granted it’s supposed to be ‘polite’ and all that to let the person go ahead of you but if the person a) doesn’t know where to go and b) can’t STAND to have people following it only makes sense to go first. I always go first and then stand at the doorway (next to the wall so the person isn’t crowded) and say something like ‘where would you like to sit?’. If the person stops and says ‘I don’t know/care’ Then I go in and sit in ‘my’ chair and wait for the client to come in and pick another chair. It always feel natural to do it this way so I never understood why other t’pists don’t do this as well. Rainbow Colors (Jill) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -didn’t. And I think it is going to help us. We are feeling hopeful. jane who appreciates your support, as always. You are a good friend. Hi jane…. All of this sounds very promising to me. A T that read your journal and made a was the first time!! I’ve got a good feeling that this is going to work our really well for you. Sounds like you’re doing all the right things to take care of yourself. Take care… Nahanton Hello to all and thanks again to those who are always ready to support me. I saw the new t day before yesterday and it was very very weird. He works in the same building same floor as the bad horrible t who nearly did me in a few years back. But it wasn’t so bad being there.It wasn’t bad because of that. His office is great! Corner with lots of windows and TOYS!!!!! The kids were thrilled! It is busy but not messy, big floor cushions, lots to look at and lots of stuff to use. Maybe he’ll let us? Maybe someday we won’t be afraid to? He was, I think, a little swamped with my files and things. We sort of did the regular history taking stuff, and I was there, not gone, talking, not mute. I was actually amazed by this. That evening and yesterday morning, things were not so good, though. It had felt like there was no connection at all, like something was very wrong with what had happened there. I wasn’t sure what was wrong, but something was. I didn’t know if I had been not there, or not allowing him to get anywhere near me, but it didn’t feel like that to me. I went to the gym and thought about it, trying not to cry all morning. I just got home at lunchtime and he called! Kind of worried about how it had gone. Isn’t that kind? He seems very nice and calm and okay. Sometimes funny, which is a requirement. Did I mention the toys? And stuff to make tea, too! And drawings on the wall that others have made for him. And he put them up! anyway he talked for a while yesterday on the phone, offered two more appointments before he goes on holiday, so we’re going back tomorrow, hopeful that it will be better.He has set me up a regular time already too. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to until maybe a month or two from now. He said he had read my journal, the one I wrote after my t died. And he thanked me for trusting him with it. And said that must have been hard to share. He’s trying to read all my files. Poor him! I feel grateful that he is working so hard to learn about me. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better in the connection department. I think it will be. I felt connection over the phone, so why was it weird in person? I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes. I’m not too worried, now that he called to say he’d felt a similar way about our first meeting. I do think I’m ready for this. I’m ready for him to be him, and not my other t. I’m ready for help. Desperate for it. At some breaking point soon, I think, if I don’t get it. I think from reading my little journal, he will know a lot about what has gone on and how I am since my d di*d. Maybe that will give us a place to begin to talk. funny how it is that I <want to talk! Me, the one who hates talking. Finally to a place where I know it will help. WEEEEEIRD!!! <G I am hopeful that I will be okay. And I know, like the SG said, that it will be awful first. But maybe this man will be my Blumenfeld? jane who hopes so
– The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.
Response:
that’s ok. :) i like u anyway. :) i’m pretty much harmless, n i’ve had all my shots n stuff (well, i guess i need a tetanus shot, but other than that… 
). but i still understand bein scared. it’s ok. :) jt (dyenths)
I think I am too scared.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – am keeping you in my thoughts. *happy thoughts, happy thoughts* :) still wanna get together with you sometime, if you want. lemme know what you think! jt Hello to all and thanks again to those who are always ready to support me. I saw the new t day before yesterday and it was very very weird. He works in the same building same floor as the bad horrible t who nearly did me in a few years back. But it wasn’t so bad being there.It wasn’t bad because of that. His office is great! Corner with lots of windows and TOYS!!!!! The kids were thrilled! It is busy but not messy, big floor cushions, lots to look at and lots of stuff to use. Maybe he’ll let us? Maybe someday we won’t be afraid to? He was, I think, a little swamped with my files and things. We sort of did the regular history taking stuff, and I was there, not gone, talking, not mute. I was actually amazed by this. That evening and yesterday morning, things were not so good, though. It had felt like there was no connection at all, like something was very wrong with what had happened there. I wasn’t sure what was wrong, but something was. I didn’t know if I had been not there, or not allowing him to get anywhere near me, but it didn’t feel like that to me. I went to the gym and thought about it, trying not to cry all morning. I just got home at lunchtime and he called! Kind of worried about how it had gone. Isn’t that kind? He seems very nice and calm and okay. Sometimes funny, which is a requirement. Did I mention the toys? And stuff to make tea, too! And drawings on the wall that others have made for him. And he put them up! anyway he talked for a while yesterday on the phone, offered two more appointments before he goes on holiday, so we’re going back tomorrow, hopeful that it will be better.He has set me up a regular time already too. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to until maybe a month or two from now. He said he had read my journal, the one I wrote after my t died. And he thanked me for trusting him with it. And said that must have been hard to share. He’s trying to read all my files. Poor him! I feel grateful that he is working so hard to learn about me. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better in the connection department. I think it will be. I felt connection over the phone, so why was it weird in person? I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes. I’m not too worried, now that he called to say he’d felt a similar way about our first meeting. I do think I’m ready for this. I’m ready for him to be him, and not my other t. I’m ready for help. Desperate for it. At some breaking point soon, I think, if I don’t get it. I think from reading my little journal, he will know a lot about what has gone on and how I am since my d di*d. Maybe that will give us a place to begin to talk. funny how it is that I <want to talk! Me, the one who hates talking. Finally to a place where I know it will help. WEEEEEIRD!!! <G I am hopeful that I will be okay. And I know, like the SG said, that it will be awful first. But maybe this man will be my Blumenfeld? jane who hopes so
Response:
I don’t think "poor him" about reading your things and getting to know you. I think you are good, creative, generous, kind – and have been through a hard time – and so – courageous as well, to get right back up and seek healing again. Beauty. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello to all and thanks again to those who are always ready to support me. I saw the new t day before yesterday and it was very very weird. He works in the same building same floor as the bad horrible t who nearly did me in a few years back. But it wasn’t so bad being there.It wasn’t bad because of that. His office is great! Corner with lots of windows and TOYS!!!!! The kids were thrilled! It is busy but not messy, big floor cushions, lots to look at and lots of stuff to use. Maybe he’ll let us? Maybe someday we won’t be afraid to? He was, I think, a little swamped with my files and things. We sort of did the regular history taking stuff, and I was there, not gone, talking, not mute. I was actually amazed by this. That evening and yesterday morning, things were not so good, though. It had felt like there was no connection at all, like something was very wrong with what had happened there. I wasn’t sure what was wrong, but something was. I didn’t know if I had been not there, or not allowing him to get anywhere near me, but it didn’t feel like that to me. I went to the gym and thought about it, trying not to cry all morning. I just got home at lunchtime and he called! Kind of worried about how it had gone. Isn’t that kind? He seems very nice and calm and okay. Sometimes funny, which is a requirement. Did I mention the toys? And stuff to make tea, too! And drawings on the wall that others have made for him. And he put them up! anyway he talked for a while yesterday on the phone, offered two more appointments before he goes on holiday, so we’re going back tomorrow, hopeful that it will be better.He has set me up a regular time already too. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to until maybe a month or two from now. He said he had read my journal, the one I wrote after my t died. And he thanked me for trusting him with it. And said that must have been hard to share. He’s trying to read all my files. Poor him! I feel grateful that he is working so hard to learn about me. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better in the connection department. I think it will be. I felt connection over the phone, so why was it weird in person? I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes. I’m not too worried, now that he called to say he’d felt a similar way about our first meeting. I do think I’m ready for this. I’m ready for him to be him, and not my other t. I’m ready for help. Desperate for it. At some breaking point soon, I think, if I don’t get it. I think from reading my little journal, he will know a lot about what has gone on and how I am since my d di*d. Maybe that will give us a place to begin to talk. funny how it is that I <want to talk! Me, the one who hates talking. Finally to a place where I know it will help. WEEEEEIRD!!! <G I am hopeful that I will be okay. And I know, like the SG said, that it will be awful first. But maybe this man will be my Blumenfeld? jane who hopes so
Response:
Yupppp. Definitely cool. I’m going again today, and not so scared this time. Heee! Tell that to the stomach! My other t had a hard time not following me down the hallway. A true gentleman, he was. It is a relief to not have that problem now. Such a small thing and so big. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Yeah, nahanton, it seems promising to me, too. He called after that first appointment and made two more close together, yesterday and next Tuesday before he goes on holiday for twelve days. He’s great. And he has already found a spot for me, Mondays. He actually talks! And he wrote in my present journal, and read and underlined with highlighter and made little comments about what he read. AS he talked!And he put stickers in the book for the kids. We feel kinda weird, but I think Cool that can’t be helped in this circumstance. He knows to walk down the hallway ahead of us. :0) This guy has experience that our other t Oh yeah! It took me _years_ to convince my various t’pists to do that! I _always_ do that as a t’pist. Granted it’s supposed to be ‘polite’ and all that to let the person go ahead of you but if the person a) doesn’t know where to go and b) can’t STAND to have people following it only makes sense to go first. I always go first and then stand at the doorway (next to the wall so the person isn’t crowded) and say something like ‘where would you like to sit?’. If the person stops and says ‘I don’t know/care’ Then I go in and sit in ‘my’ chair and wait for the client to come in and pick another chair. It always feel natural to do it this way so I never understood why other t’pists don’t do this as well. Rainbow Colors (Jill) didn’t. And I think it is going to help us. We are feeling hopeful. jane who appreciates your support, as always. You are a good friend. Hi jane…. All of this sounds very promising to me. A T that read your journal and made a was the first time!! I’ve got a good feeling that this is going to work our really well for you. Sounds like you’re doing all the right things to take care of yourself. Take care… Nahanton Hello to all and thanks again to those who are always ready to support me. I saw the new t day before yesterday and it was very very weird. He works in the same building same floor as the bad horrible t who nearly did me in a few years back. But it wasn’t so bad being there.It wasn’t bad because of that. His office is great! Corner with lots of windows and TOYS!!!!! The kids were thrilled! It is busy but not messy, big floor cushions, lots to look at and lots of stuff to use. Maybe he’ll let us? Maybe someday we won’t be afraid to? He was, I think, a little swamped with my files and things. We sort of did the regular history taking stuff, and I was there, not gone, talking, not mute. I was actually amazed by this. That evening and yesterday morning, things were not so good, though. It had felt like there was no connection at all, like something was very wrong with what had happened there. I wasn’t sure what was wrong, but something was. I didn’t know if I had been not there, or not allowing him to get anywhere near me, but it didn’t feel like that to me. I went to the gym and thought about it, trying not to cry all morning. I just got home at lunchtime and he called! Kind of worried about how it had gone. Isn’t that kind? He seems very nice and calm and okay. Sometimes funny, which is a requirement. Did I mention the toys? And stuff to make tea, too! And drawings on the wall that others have made for him. And he put them up! anyway he talked for a while yesterday on the phone, offered two more appointments before he goes on holiday, so we’re going back tomorrow, hopeful that it will be better.He has set me up a regular time already too. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to until maybe a month or two from now. He said he had read my journal, the one I wrote after my t died. And he thanked me for trusting him with it. And said that must have been hard to share. He’s trying to read all my files. Poor him! I feel grateful that he is working so hard to learn about me. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better in the connection department. I think it will be. I felt connection over the phone, so why was it weird in person? I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes. I’m not too worried, now that he called to say he’d felt a similar way about our first meeting. I do think I’m ready for this. I’m ready for him to be him, and not my other t. I’m ready for help. Desperate for it. At some breaking point soon, I think, if I don’t get it. I think from reading my little journal, he will know a lot about what has gone on and how I am since my d di*d. Maybe that will give us a place to begin to talk. funny how it is that I <want to talk! Me, the one who hates talking. Finally to a place where I know it will help. WEEEEEIRD!!! <G I am hopeful that I will be okay. And I know, like the SG said, that it will be awful first. But maybe this man will be my Blumenfeld? jane who hopes so
Response:
i hope goodnes for you and i’m sorry i can’t write more. my sleep and wake is all messed up with pain and fear, so writing too late and suffering too much pain. will try again later. it seems like there’s some hope around for you, though and i think that’s good. trill
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello to all and thanks again to those who are always ready to support me. I saw the new t day before yesterday and it was very very weird. He works in the same building same floor as the bad horrible t who nearly did me in a few years back. But it wasn’t so bad being there.It wasn’t bad because of that. His office is great! Corner with lots of windows and TOYS!!!!! The kids were thrilled! It is busy but not messy, big floor cushions, lots to look at and lots of stuff to use. Maybe he’ll let us? Maybe someday we won’t be afraid to? He was, I think, a little swamped with my files and things. We sort of did the regular history taking stuff, and I was there, not gone, talking, not mute. I was actually amazed by this. That evening and yesterday morning, things were not so good, though. It had felt like there was no connection at all, like something was very wrong with what had happened there. I wasn’t sure what was wrong, but something was. I didn’t know if I had been not there, or not allowing him to get anywhere near me, but it didn’t feel like that to me. I went to the gym and thought about it, trying not to cry all morning. I just got home at lunchtime and he called! Kind of worried about how it had gone. Isn’t that kind? He seems very nice and calm and okay. Sometimes funny, which is a requirement. Did I mention the toys? And stuff to make tea, too! And drawings on the wall that others have made for him. And he put them up! anyway he talked for a while yesterday on the phone, offered two more appointments before he goes on holiday, so we’re going back tomorrow, hopeful that it will be better.He has set me up a regular time already too. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to until maybe a month or two from now. He said he had read my journal, the one I wrote after my t died. And he thanked me for trusting him with it. And said that must have been hard to share. He’s trying to read all my files. Poor him! I feel grateful that he is working so hard to learn about me. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better in the connection department. I think it will be. I felt connection over the phone, so why was it weird in person? I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes. I’m not too worried, now that he called to say he’d felt a similar way about our first meeting. I do think I’m ready for this. I’m ready for him to be him, and not my other t. I’m ready for help. Desperate for it. At some breaking point soon, I think, if I don’t get it. I think from reading my little journal, he will know a lot about what has gone on and how I am since my d di*d. Maybe that will give us a place to begin to talk. funny how it is that I <want to talk! Me, the one who hates talking. Finally to a place where I know it will help. WEEEEEIRD!!! <G I am hopeful that I will be okay. And I know, like the SG said, that it will be awful first. But maybe this man will be my Blumenfeld? jane who hopes so
Response:
oh excuse me, please. i want to make one comment inside. would you please scroll through for it?
Yeah, nahanton, it seems promising to me, too. He called after that first appointment and made two more close together, yesterday and next Tuesday before he goes on holiday for twelve days. He’s great. And he has already found a spot for me, Mondays. He actually talks! And he wrote in my present journal, and read and underlined with highlighter and made little comments about what he read. AS he talked!And he put stickers in the book for the kids. We feel kinda weird, but I think that can’t be helped in this circumstance. He knows to walk down the hallway ahead of us. :0)
this is so important to us that we cried when we read it. we always feel more than anxious; we feel great fear, almost panic, if a t attempts to follow us. and one, for no reason that we could ever comprehend, periodically would insist that we walk in front, through the hall to the office for sessions. would stand there mocking and laughing at us and say over and over for us just to go ahead, that nothing bad would happen. but we couldn’t move. and we would beg and beg, please, please, you go first. we will follow. but t wouldn’t budge until we got so broken up that our knees buckled and we fell down, literally, crumpled to the floor, crying and crying and pleading and crying even harder from the humiliation of being crumpled up on the floor crying and begging and hearing each other’s voices coming out, one at a time, or sometimes mixed up in a garbled, monster movie sort of harmony, while one of us floated above in scorn, scolding us from the inside to get up and walk out and never come back, but the rest of us were so confused and scared and dependent that we couldn’t stop the begging and crying until finally the t relented. but even then it wasn’t that sie went ahead of us into the office. instead sie went into a different office and closed the door. then we went into the special thrpy office and waited. and we were made to wait long enough as to start to wonder if that t had been so disgusted by our fear and groveling as to decide not to come in and conduct a thrpy session with us. this routine happened on several occasions. each time the t would tell us some explanation about how it was our fault that the start of the session was delayed. i don’t understand why a t cannot or will not accept us at the stage of development we are at and help us by teaching and giving tools in gentle and supportive manner rather than confronting and staging such dramas as i’ve just described and demanding that we leap forward, as if we can. in my search for a t i ask, consistantly, about experience with d.i.d., i always tell my dx, i am always frank about how i am, as much as i can be, frank about how all of us are (only i talk to a new one… no one, to date, has gained the trust of anyone else and therefore ends up angering me to the point of not hiring that one, or else the t refuses the job — one, who even went out of hir way to prove to us that sie was extremely experienced with d.i.d. and the other ptsd results of early childhood trauma compounded by a pile of other trauma throughout the adult life, finally said, i’m terminating (sort of a joke, since we hadn’t actually got started yet) because it is clear that you need a specialist in dissociation. but you presented yourself as such, i protested, although i didn’t think sie had anything to offer us, i still wanted hir to look at hir own hypocrosy. and, you know what, it all came down after hir first attempt to get paid by medicare failed, but, as sie admitted, it failed because sie forgot to fill in a particular part of the form.) anyway, i went off on a tangent. the important thing here is that we, none of use, want the t, nor any other person who purports to have authority over us, walking behind us. no following us. no thank you. i’m glad that this new t, as weird as everything is for you right now, jane, especially as weird as everyting is for you right now, at least has that decorum down. i hope my remarks have not been too intrusive in your conversation trill This guy has experience that our other t didn’t. And I think it is going to help us. We are feeling hopeful. jane who appreciates your support, as always. You are a good friend.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi jane…. All of this sounds very promising to me. A T that read your journal and made a _because_ it was the first time!! I’ve got a good feeling that this is going to work our really well for you. Sounds like you’re doing all the right things to take care of yourself. Take care… Nahanton Hello to all and thanks again to those who are always ready to support me. I saw the new t day before yesterday and it was very very weird. He works in the same building same floor as the bad horrible t who nearly did me in a few years back. But it wasn’t so bad being there.It wasn’t bad because of that. His office is great! Corner with lots of windows and TOYS!!!!! The kids were thrilled! It is busy but not messy, big floor cushions, lots to look at and lots of stuff to use. Maybe he’ll let us? Maybe someday we won’t be afraid to? He was, I think, a little swamped with my files and things. We sort of did the regular history taking stuff, and I was there, not gone, talking, not mute. I was actually amazed by this. That evening and yesterday morning, things were not so good, though. It had felt like there was no connection at all, like something was very wrong with what had happened there. I wasn’t sure what was wrong, but something was. I didn’t know if I had been not there, or not allowing him to get anywhere near me, but it didn’t feel like that to me. I went to the gym and thought about it, trying not to cry all morning. I just got home at lunchtime and he called! Kind of worried about how it had gone. Isn’t that kind? He seems very nice and calm and okay. Sometimes funny, which is a requirement. Did I mention the toys? And stuff to make tea, too! And drawings on the wall that others have made for him. And he put them up! anyway he talked for a while yesterday on the phone, offered two more appointments before he goes on holiday, so we’re going back tomorrow, hopeful that it will be better.He has set me up a regular time already too. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to until maybe a month or two from now. He said he had read my journal, the one I wrote after my t died. And he thanked me for trusting him with it. And said that must have been hard to share. He’s trying to read all my files. Poor him! I feel grateful that he is working so hard to learn about me. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better in the connection department. I think it will be. I felt connection over the phone, so why was it weird in person? I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes. I’m not too worried, now that he called to say he’d felt a similar way about our first meeting. I do think I’m ready for this. I’m ready for him to be him, and not my other t. I’m ready for help. Desperate for it. At some breaking point soon, I think, if I don’t get it. I think from reading my little journal, he will know a lot about what has gone on and how I am since my d di*d. Maybe that will give us a place to begin to talk. funny how it is that I <want to talk! Me, the one who hates talking. Finally to a place where I know it will help. WEEEEEIRD!!! <G I am hopeful that I will be okay. And I know, like the SG said, that it will be awful first. But maybe this man will be my Blumenfeld? jane who hopes so
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