still struggling for presence | PTSD

Trauma – PTSD » PTSD » still struggling for presence

still struggling for presence

Question:

Well, I got a new, cheapy isp that is just a small local thing, but i’m having trouble getting everything organized and functioning on it. Lucky for me it comes with tech support, no extra cost. They gave me a deal for $7.85 a mo. I think that’s pretty incredible and i think i’ll be able to afford to keep it. But, so far i can’t get the news group server to work, so i’m still thankful for the gift of one of those from a friend. otherwise, i still would not be able to be in touch with asd. Being in touch with asd seems paramount to me. I hope i used that word correctly. now that i’ve put it on the screen, it looks wrong, but i’m too spaced, dissy, and drugged to care enough to try and dig out a dictionary to find out. as if this can be of any interest to anyone… sorry. i feel more isolated now than i can ever remember feeling in my life. i know that i’m doing part of it to myself, but at least an equal part of it comes from others’ response to me. and i think that is because i am now known widely in the small town in which i live as loony toons. (the poet in me wants to translate that to lunar songs, then go on about how the loon sings a despairing sort of anger, in contrast and compliment to the lonely song of the whiperwill of which h*nk wlli*ms sang so twangy that tears flood my face and shivers shake my shoulders each time i hear the song that i so relate to that i feel the man wrote it for me; not to me, but for me, as an expression of my own pain. At this age, and with this reputation, and in this poverty, and in this dependency upon certain mh pros, i don’t expect any living thing ever to be closer to me than my dog is. oh, i love my dog. i love her deeply and with devotion. and i’m always awed and inspired by the ability for us two different species to manage to communicate and be intimate. she is clearly devoted to me. everyone comments on it, even strangers whom we encounter for the first time. but i need some human companionship. some dependable, steady human companionship. i need someone, or someones, like a social group, like a family, to initiate contact, to express interest, to seek out my company. there are a handful of people with whom i can get together, one at a time, occasionally, when i initiate contact. and then, sometimes, i feel like, i think that, i’m pretty sure that i come across as begging for the company. and i’m pretty sure that the time any one of them spends with me is something that each of them clocks in as social charity hours. most conversations are vapid. some of these people boss me around as if i’m a child who is incapable of making hir own decisions, or as if i haven’t deliberately decided to express myself in whatever manner that i am expressing myself, and as if it is always wrong. and i’m so desperate that i put up with it. maybe it is the shrinking days. maybe it is menopause. maybe it is mental illness. maybe i’m d*ing of loneliness and grief. i haven’t unpacked yet. i’ve been living in this apt. since june. that’s almost half of a year. someone suggested that i should get a friend to stay with me for awhile. if only there were someone whom i could ask for that. i just can’t get a focus of myself(ves) or anything else. my so-called thrpy has bottomed out to some entirely unforseen power struggle at almost every session the t does something that seems angry and powermongering. the behavior terrifies me. i confide nothing.. and how can i make any progress if i can’t confide anything? isn’t the whole idea of talk thrpy to confide and process one’s emotions with the help of an understanding and supportive person who has greater insights into oneself than one can have into hirself? but it is not working that way for me. i am regressing. i am becoming and have already become more fragmented and dissy than i ever remember being. knowing this about myself compels me to hide out in my apartment where i am often immobilized and lost somewhere in my inside world. and so, well, what can i do but isolate even more? it seems like that is what i must do. i go out with my dog at odd hours, passing gang members and drug dealers in the streets. between the large size of my dog and what is probably a demented expression on my face, well, so far nobody has bothered me. in fact, everyone seems to stear clear of me. the t threatens to transfer hir files on me to any new t whom i might find, which in itself seems to be an impossible accomplishment. no one accepts medicare, it seems. and many have cut me off during phone interviews to tell me that they don’t do anything with "symptoms" like mine. i feel increasingly trapped and increasingly panicked about what sort of trap i’ve been lured into and/or constructed around myself. i’m so out of it and so desperate that i cannot tell what the trap is, how strong it is, if there is any way out or if it is worth the struggle. i mean, like chewing off a limb the way some animals do to save their lives. i’m less integrated than i was a couple of years ago, less coconscious. the voices are more and more of the crowded airplane or cocktail party variety, rather than clear communications across and breaking down dissociative barriers. i’m forced to go to the t for reasons that i’m afraid to state here. and because i’m forced to go, i continue to try and negotiate something workable with that t. it seems that it is to no avail. just as the effort toward friendship seems to no avail. yet i remember being popular and feeling that i belonged to certain social groups. i remember having had friends for many years through all sorts of changes. many have d*ed, but others have rejected or abandoned me. and for those, for the most part, i honestly do not know why. i tend to suspect that it is because of or related to my dx, but how can i know for sure? oh, i’m sure that no one has read this far. maybe somebody has skimmed or something., but anyway i apologize if my long ramble of self-pitying confusion has been burdensome. if i go out with the dog now it will be an early walk. it is just about 1 a.m. sometimes we go out and wander around the neighborhood and park trails at 3 or 4 a.m. oh no. i need help. i know i need help, but i don’t know how to get it or where to search for it. guess now trying to lose the sig line while i wait for my new isp to manage to deliver the msgs i sent via it. at least i haven’t seen them yet. if anyone else has, could you please let me know? thanks __ __ Sign Up for Juno Platinum Internet Access Today Only $9.95 per month! Visit www.juno.com — For info about this service, see http://anon.twwells.com/help/ or e-mail:

Response:

Here’s my totally off the wall off the cuff answer, only because I did it the other night and it worked a wonder. You know how you’ve always got all that crazy stuff in your head? (You, generic.) Well, the other night, I woke up at 4:30, like I do, and I woke from a dream – and it seemed powerful, and I considered getting up to write it down, knowing if I did, I’d be awake indefinitely – but – then started thinking other thoughts that would lead to awakeness – so – got up and wrote a longish poem, just all about the process of waking up, thinking about the dream a bit, about getting up, about thinking the other stuff, deciding to get up, then writing – the poem itself, sort of – and then a kind of apotheosis at the end. I thought to myself – sh*t – if this stuff is drifting through my head anyway, I might as well make the attempt to write more of it down. It felt kind of powerful, and even if it isn’t, at least I’ll have a collection of it when I’m done, which is better than not having a collection of anything. Have I remotely hit any of the points you made in this post? Beauty. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Well, I got a new, cheapy isp that is just a small local thing, but i’m having trouble getting everything organized and functioning on it. Lucky for me it comes with tech support, no extra cost. They gave me a deal for $7.85 a mo. I think that’s pretty incredible and i think i’ll be able to afford to keep it. But, so far i can’t get the news group server to work, so i’m still thankful for the gift of one of those from a friend. otherwise, i still would not be able to be in touch with asd. Being in touch with asd seems paramount to me. I hope i used that word correctly. now that i’ve put it on the screen, it looks wrong, but i’m too spaced, dissy, and drugged to care enough to try and dig out a dictionary to find out. as if this can be of any interest to anyone… sorry. i feel more isolated now than i can ever remember feeling in my life. i know that i’m doing part of it to myself, but at least an equal part of it comes from others’ response to me. and i think that is because i am now known widely in the small town in which i live as loony toons. (the poet in me wants to translate that to lunar songs, then go on about how the loon sings a despairing sort of anger, in contrast and compliment to the lonely song of the whiperwill of which h*nk wlli*ms sang so twangy that tears flood my face and shivers shake my shoulders each time i hear the song that i so relate to that i feel the man wrote it for me; not to me, but for me, as an expression of my own pain. At this age, and with this reputation, and in this poverty, and in this dependency upon certain mh pros, i don’t expect any living thing ever to be closer to me than my dog is. oh, i love my dog. i love her deeply and with devotion. and i’m always awed and inspired by the ability for us two different species to manage to communicate and be intimate. she is clearly devoted to me. everyone comments on it, even strangers whom we encounter for the first time. but i need some human companionship. some dependable, steady human companionship. i need someone, or someones, like a social group, like a family, to initiate contact, to express interest, to seek out my company. there are a handful of people with whom i can get together, one at a time, occasionally, when i initiate contact. and then, sometimes, i feel like, i think that, i’m pretty sure that i come across as begging for the company. and i’m pretty sure that the time any one of them spends with me is something that each of them clocks in as social charity hours. most conversations are vapid. some of these people boss me around as if i’m a child who is incapable of making hir own decisions, or as if i haven’t deliberately decided to express myself in whatever manner that i am expressing myself, and as if it is always wrong. and i’m so desperate that i put up with it. maybe it is the shrinking days. maybe it is menopause. maybe it is mental illness. maybe i’m d*ing of loneliness and grief. i haven’t unpacked yet. i’ve been living in this apt. since june. that’s almost half of a year. someone suggested that i should get a friend to stay with me for awhile. if only there were someone whom i could ask for that. i just can’t get a focus of myself(ves) or anything else. my so-called thrpy has bottomed out to some entirely unforseen power struggle at almost every session the t does something that seems angry and powermongering. the behavior terrifies me. i confide nothing.. and how can i make any progress if i can’t confide anything? isn’t the whole idea of talk thrpy to confide and process one’s emotions with the help of an understanding and supportive person who has greater insights into oneself than one can have into hirself? but it is not working that way for me. i am regressing. i am becoming and have already become more fragmented and dissy than i ever remember being. knowing this about myself compels me to hide out in my apartment where i am often immobilized and lost somewhere in my inside world. and so, well, what can i do but isolate even more? it seems like that is what i must do. i go out with my dog at odd hours, passing gang members and drug dealers in the streets. between the large size of my dog and what is probably a demented expression on my face, well, so far nobody has bothered me. in fact, everyone seems to stear clear of me. the t threatens to transfer hir files on me to any new t whom i might find, which in itself seems to be an impossible accomplishment. no one accepts medicare, it seems. and many have cut me off during phone interviews to tell me that they don’t do anything with "symptoms" like mine. i feel increasingly trapped and increasingly panicked about what sort of trap i’ve been lured into and/or constructed around myself. i’m so out of it and so desperate that i cannot tell what the trap is, how strong it is, if there is any way out or if it is worth the struggle. i mean, like chewing off a limb the way some animals do to save their lives. i’m less integrated than i was a couple of years ago, less coconscious. the voices are more and more of the crowded airplane or cocktail party variety, rather than clear communications across and breaking down dissociative barriers. i’m forced to go to the t for reasons that i’m afraid to state here. and because i’m forced to go, i continue to try and negotiate something workable with that t. it seems that it is to no avail. just as the effort toward friendship seems to no avail. yet i remember being popular and feeling that i belonged to certain social groups. i remember having had friends for many years through all sorts of changes. many have d*ed, but others have rejected or abandoned me. and for those, for the most part, i honestly do not know why. i tend to suspect that it is because of or related to my dx, but how can i know for sure? oh, i’m sure that no one has read this far. maybe somebody has skimmed or something., but anyway i apologize if my long ramble of self-pitying confusion has been burdensome. if i go out with the dog now it will be an early walk. it is just about 1 a.m. sometimes we go out and wander around the neighborhood and park trails at 3 or 4 a.m. oh no. i need help. i know i need help, but i don’t know how to get it or where to search for it. guess now trying to lose the sig line while i wait for my new isp to manage to deliver the msgs i sent via it. at least i haven’t seen them yet. if anyone else has, could you please let me know? thanks __ __ Sign Up for Juno Platinum Internet Access Today Only $9.95 per month! Visit www.juno.com — For info about this service, see http://anon.twwells.com/help/ or e-mail:

Response:

hi guess I read your whole post and I can relate to a lot of what you say. I am isolated at home with no friends. ALL my friends left me sometime after my dx and I had quite a few. The ones that bothered me the most were the ones who thought it was cool to be dissy and they actually thought that they were dissy too. I was glad that those friends left me though. I don’t have a dog but I have 2 cats. The oldest one ( 14 yrs ) is my best friend. She always knows when I am sad and she curls up on my lap and she actually holds my hand with her paws. She helps me a lot. I love her with all my heart and soul and she helps me to keep going from day to day. If only I could find a person friend to do that for me , huh? I have decided to wait until I have been through more therapy to even look for a new friend and I might not even tell her that I am dissy. Just wanted to let you know that you are not all alone. It helped me to read your post even though it made me feel sad for you and for me too. Keep going the mares

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Here’s my totally off the wall off the cuff answer, only because I did it the other night and it worked a wonder. You know how you’ve always got all that crazy stuff in your head? (You, generic.) Well, the other night, I woke up at 4:30, like I do, and I woke from a dream – and it seemed powerful, and I considered getting up to write it down, knowing if I did, I’d be awake indefinitely – but – then started thinking other thoughts that would lead to awakeness – so – got up and wrote a longish poem, just all about the process of waking up, thinking about the dream a bit, about getting up, about thinking the other stuff, deciding to get up, then writing – the poem itself, sort of – and then a kind of apotheosis at the end. I thought to myself – sh*t – if this stuff is drifting through my head anyway, I might as well make the attempt to write more of it down. It felt kind of powerful, and even if it isn’t, at least I’ll have a collection of it when I’m done, which is better than not having a collection of anything. Have I remotely hit any of the points you made in this post? Beauty. Well, I got a new, cheapy isp that is just a small local thing, but i’m having trouble getting everything organized and functioning on it. Lucky for me it comes with tech support, no extra cost. They gave me a deal for $7.85 a mo. I think that’s pretty incredible and i think i’ll be able to afford to keep it. But, so far i can’t get the news group server to work, so i’m still thankful for the gift of one of those from a friend. otherwise, i still would not be able to be in touch with asd. Being in touch with asd seems paramount to me. I hope i used that word correctly. now that i’ve put it on the screen, it looks wrong, but i’m too spaced, dissy, and drugged to care enough to try and dig out a dictionary to find out. as if this can be of any interest to anyone… sorry. i feel more isolated now than i can ever remember feeling in my life. i know that i’m doing part of it to myself, but at least an equal part of it comes from others’ response to me. and i think that is because i am now known widely in the small town in which i live as loony toons. (the poet in me wants to translate that to lunar songs, then go on about how the loon sings a despairing sort of anger, in contrast and compliment to the lonely song of the whiperwill of which h*nk wlli*ms sang so twangy that tears flood my face and shivers shake my shoulders each time i hear the song that i so relate to that i feel the man wrote it for me; not to me, but for me, as an expression of my own pain. At this age, and with this reputation, and in this poverty, and in this dependency upon certain mh pros, i don’t expect any living thing ever to be closer to me than my dog is. oh, i love my dog. i love her deeply and with devotion. and i’m always awed and inspired by the ability for us two different species to manage to communicate and be intimate. she is clearly devoted to me. everyone comments on it, even strangers whom we encounter for the first time. but i need some human companionship. some dependable, steady human companionship. i need someone, or someones, like a social group, like a family, to initiate contact, to express interest, to seek out my company. there are a handful of people with whom i can get together, one at a time, occasionally, when i initiate contact. and then, sometimes, i feel like, i think that, i’m pretty sure that i come across as begging for the company. and i’m pretty sure that the time any one of them spends with me is something that each of them clocks in as social charity hours. most conversations are vapid. some of these people boss me around as if i’m a child who is incapable of making hir own decisions, or as if i haven’t deliberately decided to express myself in whatever manner that i am expressing myself, and as if it is always wrong. and i’m so desperate that i put up with it. maybe it is the shrinking days. maybe it is menopause. maybe it is mental illness. maybe i’m d*ing of loneliness and grief. i haven’t unpacked yet. i’ve been living in this apt. since june. that’s almost half of a year. someone suggested that i should get a friend to stay with me for awhile. if only there were someone whom i could ask for that. i just can’t get a focus of myself(ves) or anything else. my so-called thrpy has bottomed out to some entirely unforseen power struggle at almost every session the t does something that seems angry and powermongering. the behavior terrifies me. i confide nothing.. and how can i make any progress if i can’t confide anything? isn’t the whole idea of talk thrpy to confide and process one’s emotions with the help of an understanding and supportive person who has greater insights into oneself than one can have into hirself? but it is not working that way for me. i am regressing. i am becoming and have already become more fragmented and dissy than i ever remember being. knowing this about myself compels me to hide out in my apartment where i am often immobilized and lost somewhere in my inside world. and so, well, what can i do but isolate even more? it seems like that is what i must do. i go out with my dog at odd hours, passing gang members and drug dealers in the streets. between the large size of my dog and what is probably a demented expression on my face, well, so far nobody has bothered me. in fact, everyone seems to stear clear of me. the t threatens to transfer hir files on me to any new t whom i might find, which in itself seems to be an impossible accomplishment. no one accepts medicare, it seems. and many have cut me off during phone interviews to tell me that they don’t do anything with "symptoms" like mine. i feel increasingly trapped and increasingly panicked about what sort of trap i’ve been lured into and/or constructed around myself. i’m so out of it and so desperate that i cannot tell what the trap is, how strong it is, if there is any way out or if it is worth the struggle. i mean, like chewing off a limb the way some animals do to save their lives. i’m less integrated than i was a couple of years ago, less coconscious. the voices are more and more of the crowded airplane or cocktail party variety, rather than clear communications across and breaking down dissociative barriers. i’m forced to go to the t for reasons that i’m afraid to state here. and because i’m forced to go, i continue to try and negotiate something workable with that t. it seems that it is to no avail. just as the effort toward friendship seems to no avail. yet i remember being popular and feeling that i belonged to certain social groups. i remember having had friends for many years through all sorts of changes. many have d*ed, but others have rejected or abandoned me. and for those, for the most part, i honestly do not know why. i tend to suspect that it is because of or related to my dx, but how can i know for sure? oh, i’m sure that no one has read this far. maybe somebody has skimmed or something., but anyway i apologize if my long ramble of self-pitying confusion has been burdensome. if i go out with the dog now it will be an early walk. it is just about 1 a.m. sometimes we go out and wander around the neighborhood and park trails at 3 or 4 a.m. oh no. i need help. i know i need help, but i don’t know how to get it or where to search for it. guess now trying to lose the sig line while i wait for my new isp to manage to deliver the msgs i sent via it. at least i haven’t seen them yet. if anyone else has, could you please let me know? thanks __ __ Sign Up for Juno Platinum Internet Access Today Only $9.95 per month! Visit www.juno.com — For info about this service, see http://anon.twwells.com/help/ or e-mail:

Get webtv as I have. I can access any group by using the webtv page or through google. Don’t even need a computer.

Response:

that’s pretty darn good. I think that’s pretty incredible and i think i’ll be able to afford to keep it. But, so far i can’t get the news group server to work, so i’m still thankful for the gift of one of those from a friend. otherwise, i still would not be able to be in touch with asd.

hope you get that fixed soon. need to stay in touch here…here is a good place. Being in touch with asd seems paramount to me. I hope i used that word correctly. now that i’ve put it on the screen, it looks wrong, but i’m too spaced, dissy, and drugged to care enough to try and dig out a dictionary to find out. as if this can be of any interest to anyone… sorry. i feel more isolated now than i can ever remember feeling in my life. i know that i’m doing part of it to myself, but at least an equal part of it comes from others’ response to me. and i think that is because i am now known widely in the small town in which i live as loony toons.

isolation is an immensely bad thing, and i agree with you that others’ responses to you (or us) does tend to add to it. i used to think that that meant i needed to change for everybody else, but have decided that i just need to find a whole new bunch of friends…people who are more tolerant of peoples like me. and scr*w the rest of them. in the meantime, i wallow in isolation. (the poet in me wants to translate that to lunar songs, then go on about how the loon sings a despairing sort of anger, in contrast and compliment to the lonely song of the whiperwill of which h*nk wlli*ms sang so twangy that tears flood my face and shivers shake my shoulders each time i hear the song that i so relate to that i feel the man wrote it for me; not to me, but for me, as an expression of my own pain.

so write that stuff down, girl! At this age, and with this reputation, and in this poverty, and in this dependency upon certain mh pros, i don’t expect any living thing ever to be closer to me than my dog is. oh, i love my dog. i love her deeply and with devotion. and i’m always awed and inspired by the ability for us two different species to manage to communicate and be intimate. she is clearly devoted to me. everyone comments on it, even strangers whom we encounter for the first time.

we so want a dog or cat. some body to talk to and play with. but i need some human companionship. some dependable, steady human companionship. i need someone, or someones, like a social group, like a family, to initiate contact, to express interest, to seek out my company.

yes. i really don’t do social stuff very well, but after awhile, when one goes for days and the phone never rings, one begins to think that one’s place on this earth has been forgotten. i really need and desire a more intimate relationship, though. doubt that will ever happen. i’m seriously bad at those. there are a handful of people with whom i can get together, one at a time, occasionally, when i initiate contact. and then, sometimes, i feel like, i think that, i’m pretty sure that i come across as begging for the company. and i’m pretty sure that the time any one of them spends with me is something that each of them clocks in as social charity hours.

yes. i don’t really have anyone i can get together with anymore. well, 1, from work. *gag* did i say that? most conversations are vapid. some of these people boss me around as if i’m a child who is incapable of making hir own decisions, or as if i haven’t deliberately decided to express myself in whatever manner that i am expressing myself, and as if it is always wrong. and i’m so desperate that i put up with it. maybe it is the shrinking days. maybe it is menopause. maybe it is mental illness.

if i were to venture a guess, this would be it, for many of us. maybe i’m d*ing of loneliness and grief. i haven’t unpacked yet. i’ve been living in this apt. since june. that’s almost half of a year.

is this a problem for you, or just theway things are? are boxes in the way, are there things you need to use that are buried in them somewhere? someone suggested that i should get a friend to stay with me for awhile. if only there were someone whom i could ask for that.

i’d have to laugh at this suggestion. nobody in my life could i ask. there -is- nobody. i just can’t get a focus of myself(ves) or anything else. my so-called thrpy has bottomed out to some entirely unforseen power struggle at almost every session the t does something that seems angry and powermongering. the behavior terrifies me. i confide nothing.. and how can i make any progress if i can’t confide anything? isn’t the whole idea of talk thrpy to confide and process one’s emotions with the help of an understanding and supportive person who has greater insights into oneself than one can have into hirself? but it is not working that way for me.

i’m sorry about this. btdt. and i quit. and you know where i am now. i am regressing. i am becoming and have already become more fragmented and dissy than i ever remember being. knowing this about myself compels me to hide out in my apartment where i am often immobilized and lost somewhere in my inside world.

yep. it’s a horrible feeling. i know. and so, well, what can i do but isolate even more? it seems like that is what i must do.

well, it seems that isn’t what you or i or anybody -must- do, but it seems taht is the choice we make. i have to think more on this to figure out what other choices there can be. i go out with my dog at odd hours, passing gang members and drug dealers in the streets. between the large size of my dog and what is probably a demented expression on my face, well, so far nobody has bothered me. in fact, everyone seems to stear clear of me.

hey, a good thing? <weak laugh the t threatens to transfer hir files on me to any new t whom i might find, which in itself seems to be an impossible accomplishment. no one accepts medicare, it seems. and many have cut me off during phone interviews to tell me that they don’t do anything with "symptoms" like mine.

ooh, f*ck them. i feel increasingly trapped and increasingly panicked about what sort of trap i’ve been lured into and/or constructed around myself. i’m so out of it and so desperate that i cannot tell what the trap is, how strong it is, if there is any way out or if it is worth the struggle. i mean, like chewing off a limb the way some animals do to save their lives. i’m less integrated than i was a couple of years ago, less coconscious. the voices are more and more of the crowded airplane or cocktail party variety, rather than clear communications across and breaking down dissociative barriers.

fwiw, i don’t think this is an irreversible or permanent change. i think that, as we go through crises, this happens. i’m thinking that, when things get more stable again, you’ll find that you haven’t lost what you had gained before, it was just sort of hiding. i’m forced to go to the t for reasons that i’m afraid to state here. and because i’m forced to go, i continue to try and negotiate something workable with that t. it seems that it is to no avail. just as the effort toward friendship seems to no avail. yet i remember being popular and feeling that i belonged to certain social groups. i remember having had friends for many years through all sorts of changes. many have d*ed, but others have rejected or abandoned me. and for those, for the most part, i honestly do not know why. i tend to suspect that it is because of or related to my dx, but how can i know for sure? oh, i’m sure that no one has read this far. maybe somebody has skimmed or something., but anyway i apologize if my long ramble of self-pitying confusion has been burdensome.

well, i read. if i go out with the dog now it will be an early walk. it is just about 1 a.m. sometimes we go out and wander around the neighborhood and park trails at 3 or 4 a.m. oh no. i need help. i know i need help, but i don’t know how to get it or where to search for it.

i’m right there with you. helplessness and hopelessness truly s*cks. guess now trying to lose the sig line while i wait for my new isp to manage to deliver the msgs i sent via it. at least i haven’t seen them yet. if anyone else has, could you please let me know? thanks

don’t see the sig line for the new isp, but juno is still there. Ravensong – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -__ __ Sign Up for Juno Platinum Internet Access Today Only $9.95 per month! Visit www.juno.com — For info about this service, see http://anon.twwells.com/help/ or e-mail:

"If you feel bad, blow bubble stuff or watch the snails after it rains. That always makes me feel better." – Katy, of Ravensong

Response:

alt.support.dissociation: Well, I got a new, cheapy isp that is just a small local thing, but i’m having trouble getting everything organized and functioning on it. Lucky for me it comes with tech support, no extra cost. They gave me a deal for $7.85 a mo. I think that’s pretty incredible and i think i’ll be able to afford to keep it. But, so far i can’t get the news group server to work, so i’m still thankful for the gift of one of those from a friend. otherwise, i still would not be able to be in touch with asd.

Try http://news.cis.dfn.de Requires a real addy and a name (it asks for your real one, but I expect that anything plausible would do) to register. & it’s reliable. Baba Yaga — If these pages of trickery are based on "probably" and "if", we have no business going to war. If they are all true, we murdered half a million Iraqi children. How’s that for a war crime? Robert Fisk, in the /Independent/ on the UK government "dossier" on Iraq

Response:

guess, to lose the sig line try several dashes in a row like this —- not just one per line. If I had sent this through twwells the line ‘not just one per line.’ would have been deleted as it would have been considered a sig. Rainbow Colors (Jill) — The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.

Response:

I, too, am isolated, feel alone, even when other people are around. I know I contribute to my isolation, that my disease contributes also, but knowing asll of that does nothing to help. You are not alone.

Response:

Hi hi guess, I don’t have much to say though I did read the whole post and wish that there was something I could do to help change your situation. :/ But I did have a couple of questions.. gonna snip so I can just respond to those parts.

the t threatens to transfer hir files on me to any new t whom i might find, which in itself seems to be an impossible accomplishment. no one accepts medicare, it seems. and many have cut me off during phone interviews to tell me that they don’t do anything with "symptoms" like mine. Two questions.. One, can you get away with just *not* telling who your new t is? Two, isn’t this a breach of confidentiality and therefore illegal under federal law? It seems that if you don’t sign a release for the old t to talk to the new t and visa versa (sp?), then it would be illegal for the old t to forward your files. Mind you, I’m only going based on things at work where we have to follow confidentiality laws for our clients so I may be wrong on this but that’s my understanding of the law. That’s all I can respond to at this point.. might post more tomorrow. Fwiw, I always read every post even if I can’t respond at the time. — To e-mail remove extra from address find, which in itself seems to be an impossible accomplishment. no one accepts medicare, it seems. and many have cut me off during phone interviews to tell me that they don’t do anything with "symptoms" like mine. Two questions.. One, can you get away with just *not* telling who your new t is? Two, isn’t this a breach of confidentiality and therefore illegal under federal law? It seems that if you don’t sign a release for the old t to talk to the new t and visa versa (sp?), then it would be illegal for the old t to forward your files. Mind you, I’m only going based on things at work where we have to follow confidentiality laws for our clients so I may be wrong on this but that’s my understanding of the law. That’s all I can respond to at this point.. might post more tomorrow. Fwiw, I always read every post even if I can’t respond at the time. Try to take care of yourself and do something nice for you. Maybe put even dish soap in the bath water and make bubbles (or bubble bath if you have some)? Go make a snowman in the park with all the snow that’s been dumped on you all this week? Just a suggestion. We’re here to listen and we care. Rainstar — To e-mail remove extra from address — For more information about this NNTP posting service, contact: If you want an anonymous account, visit our sign-up page: https://asarian-host.net/cgi-bin/signup.cgi

Response:

Hi. Thanks for this info, Baby Yaga. If my "present" ever runs out, and i can’t get my new isp newswerver to work, i’ll check into this. for now, nothing has ever been as reliable and timely as newscene, which is the news server to which my friend subsribes me. and i’m very grateful for it. i always like seeing you pop in here at asd. Your sig line is important and poignant. i agree with the sentiment of the question. i fear that not enough people in the u.s.a. have the same agreement, about that nor about all of the other disasters wrecked upon humanity by the current media and supreme court jester coup installed administration of the u.s.a. oh well. it’s still nice to see or hear a shared sentiment once in awhile. guess p.s. this probably won’t show up for a couple of days until after i’ve sent it. that seems to be a drawback with my new isp, but considering the advice given me by astri, and what came through from 14, and the warning i got that someone, who seems to me to consistently act in a t*rr*rizing manner at this ng (i’m talking about behavior) already outed me… well, i already have little hope of effective anonymity, and that little hope seems tied to this isp.

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – alt.support.dissociation: Well, I got a new, cheapy isp that is just a small local thing, but i’m having trouble getting everything organized and functioning on it. Lucky for me it comes with tech support, no extra cost. They gave me a deal for $7.85 a mo. I think that’s pretty incredible and i think i’ll be able to afford to keep it. But, so far i can’t get the news group server to work, so i’m still thankful for the gift of one of those from a friend. otherwise, i still would not be able to be in touch with asd. Try http://news.cis.dfn.de Requires a real addy and a name (it asks for your real one, but I expect that anything plausible would do) to register. & it’s reliable. Baba Yaga — If these pages of trickery are based on "probably" and "if", we have no business going to war. If they are all true, we murdered half a million Iraqi children. How’s that for a war crime? Robert Fisk, in the /Independent/ on the UK government "dossier" on Iraq

– For info about this service, see http://anon.twwells.com/help/ or e-mail:

Response:

Hey Ravensong, Thanks for writing so much to me, and putting so much thought into the stuff you say to me. it makes a difference.

Well, i was amazed. and they told me that they offer everything that a person could want from an isp, but… well… more than a few things don’t work just exactly the way i’d like to have things work. but, at least i don’t get ads, you know, no pop ups and no banners and no gigantic, disk space consuming emails. I really appreciate that. And so far i haven’t been bumped off once. It’s too bad that it’s such a small and local server. It only serves my metropolitan area. i can’t get the news group server to work, so i’m still thankful for the gift of one of those from a friend. otherwise, i still would not be able to be in touch with asd. hope you get that fixed soon. need to stay in touch here…here is a good place.

at least i do have the newscene thing. it is still working fine and seems compatible with my new isp. so, thanks, many times over, to my friend who subscribes to that for me because i certainly could not afford the two things. and if and as soon as i can get my own news server working, i’ll let my friend know so as not to be a burden upon hir any longer. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i feel more isolated now than i can ever remember feeling in my life. i know that i’m doing part of it to myself, but at least an equal part of it comes from others’ response to me. and i think that is because i am now known widely in the small town in which i live as loony toons. isolation is an immensely bad thing, and i agree with you that others’ responses to you (or us) does tend to add to it. i used to think that that meant i needed to change for everybody else, but have decided that i just need to find a whole new bunch of friends…people who are more tolerant of peoples like me. and scr*w the rest of them. in the meantime, i wallow in isolation.

yeah, last week i knew about this tea dance for lesbians over 40 and i cut out the announcement and stuck it on my fridge, but then i didn’t go. i kept picturing myself sitting there and not being able to approach anyone and not having anyone approach me and then ending up feeling worse and ashamed of myself for thinking that there was any hope. it’s a sick cycle, isn’t it? i’m afraid that it isn’t even a cycle. more of a whirlpool that is terminal. as for finding friends who are tolerant of people like me… i’m not sure that there are "people" like me. i know i have dissociation in common with this crowd. i’ve got lesbianism in common with some other crowds. i’ve got commie politics in common with some other crowds. being vegan with others. artsy stuff with others. film fanaticism with others. being a clothes hog and fashion freak (of the thrift shop variety) with others, etc. but there is something about me that gets everyone everywhere i go to comment to me that i am unusual and unique. when i ask why they say stuff like that i am provocative, unconventional, nonconformist, controversial, and, this one most often of all, that i make them think. More than one person has complained to me that i make hir think. but, i am unable and/or unwilling to accept any of that as criticism. I want people to think more. If I can provoke people into thinking, then i think that is a good quality of mine. Truth to power! I believe it, what i say. And there is no way that i EVER want to conform to the conventions of the society in which i live, especially now as it grows more and more fascist with neighbors spying on neighbors. Gawd, it is so much like n*zi europe in the u.s.a right now that i constantly feel the fight or flight thing and my cortisal levels are probably off the charts. But where can i go? I still want to be Canadian, but Canada is not going to take any wacky bo bo without a job who’s on the dole. so write that stuff down, girl!

yeah, i did. the lunar song stuff and reference to h*nk wlliams. but i just snipped it here. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – At this age, and with this reputation, and in this poverty, and in this dependency upon certain mh pros, i don’t expect any living thing ever to be closer to me than my dog is. oh, i love my dog. i love her deeply and with devotion. and i’m always awed and inspired by the ability for us two different species to manage to communicate and be intimate. she is clearly devoted to me. everyone comments on it, even strangers whom we encounter for the first time. we so want a dog or cat. some body to talk to and play with.

stick "bazelon center" into a search engine and read stuff at their site. apparantly there are laws that overide no pet rules for folk with disabilities, even the kinda disabilites that we have. but i need some human companionship. some dependable, steady human companionship. i need someone, or someones, like a social group, like a family, to initiate contact, to express interest, to seek out my company. yes. i really don’t do social stuff very well, but after awhile, when one goes for days and the phone never rings, one begins to think that one’s place on this earth has been forgotten.

ditto. and the worst is when the phone rings and i hear insiders getting all excited, even while i’m keeping as safely numb on the outside as i can, and then it is just some sales person. Last night i had a nightmare that i was forced to live in a nursing home, a high rise, a dilapidated, slummy, high rise nursing home with hateful, *bsve staff and only a whole bunch of extremely weak, very old people, who all suffered from dementia of one type or another, for company. Then one of the staff people forced me to go outside and clean up a big pile of garbage that some other people had left. While i was doing it, crying, sobbing, and gagging on my tears and snot, one of the old ladies came out with one of those metal walker things. She came up to me and indicated with movements of her head and eyes that she wanted me to set aside certain stuff from the garbage for her to keep. She was going to use it as furniture, i knew by what it was — old broken down boxes and rags and chunks of broken up wood The old lady didn’t talk to me. And i thought to myself in the dream that i would forever more be forced to associate and socialize ONLY with people who would never understand me and never express anything at all close to anything that i think or feel. i really need and desire a more intimate relationship, though. doubt that will ever happen. i’m seriously bad at those.

that is probably true of me, as well, seeing as i don’t have one. but i remember having them and enjoying them. i mean, i did manage to stick it out with one woman for ten years, and to share raising a kid, and also to respect and celebrate each others differences. also, i don’t think the end of that was my fault. the woman changed enormously. money became the most important thing to her. she took a job with a major corporation that produce a lot of nuclear techno stuff, and has the most military contracts of any corporation in the u.s.a. and she got top security clearance. then she thought of me as a liability. meanwhile, whe developed diabetes and refused to take care of herself. she kept smoking and drinking and eating huge loads of fats and sugars. she wouldn’t exercise. and then she would test her blood sugar and exclaim, "how could it have gotten that high again?" along with that came huge mood swings. she was completely unpredictable. and in the end, she did horrible things that alienate me from the boy that i raised so that now i do not even know where he is. now he is 32 yrs. old. but, i’m sure that someone somewhere would figure out how to blame that on me. there are a handful of people with whom i can get together, one at a time, occasionally, when i initiate contact. and then, sometimes, i feel like, i think that, i’m pretty sure that i come across as begging for the company. and i’m pretty sure that the time any one of them spends with me is something that each of them clocks in as social charity hours. yes. i don’t really have anyone i can get together with anymore. well, 1, from work. *gag* did i say that?

um, yeah? what’s the story with that work thing, anyway? Did you go back? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – most conversations are vapid. some of these people boss me around as if i’m a child who is incapable of making hir own decisions, or as if i haven’t deliberately decided to express myself in whatever manner that i am expressing myself, and as if it is always wrong. and i’m so desperate that i put up with it. maybe it is the shrinking days. maybe it is menopause. maybe it is mental illness. if i were to venture a guess, this would be it, for many of us.

I think it is a combination of all three. I think that they affect each other. I’ll tell you this, my body temperature is never stable, and that in itself is enough to drive me whacky! I’m constantly dressing and undressing and mopping sweat offa myself or shivering. CONSTANTLY! Talk about mood swings! maybe i’m d*ing of loneliness and grief. i haven’t unpacked yet. i’ve been living in this apt. since june. that’s almost half of a year. is this a problem for you,

yes. i’m ashamed of it. i couldn’t invite anyone in, even if there were someone to invite in. or just theway things are?

and it is the way things are. as if i am incapable of

Response:

Hi Rainstar,

thanks, I’ll dialogue: the t threatens to transfer hir files on me to any new t whom i might find, which in itself seems to be an impossible accomplishment. no one accepts medicare, it seems. and many have cut me off during phone interviews to tell me that they don’t do anything with "symptoms" like mine. Two questions.. One, can you get away with just *not* telling who your new t is?

I can’t even find one, let alone "get away" with *not* telling! Two, isn’t this a breach of confidentiality and therefore illegal under federal law?

Imo, and in others’ opinions as well, including some mh pros I know in these parts, it is a breach of confidentiality. I don’t know if it breaks any federal laws. It must break some law, because it does require a signed release… It seems that if you don’t sign a release for the old t to talk to the new t and visa versa (sp?), then it would be illegal for the old t to forward your files. Mind you, I’m only going based on things at work where we have to follow confidentiality laws for our clients so I may be wrong on this but that’s my understanding of the law.

But the t in question holds in hir possession hundreds of dollars of prescription drugs that were prescribed to me. Sie refuses to give them to me unless i find another mh pro to take them, and then unless i sign a release for hir to transfer hir files on me. Also, sie does not let me read those files, myself, and refuses to give them to me. As I understand the rights of a client / patient, this too is a violation. But the particular person in question doesn’t give a hollar over the hill about any of this. Sie simply refuses to show me my files whenever i ask, or gives excuses. and sie threatens to destroy my drugs should i arrange any other circumstances. I can’t afford to replace them. Arrangements were made to stock up on them during the time that i was covered with private insurance. That time has now ended. Some other charming stuff done by the person in question is: pointing a video camera at me and telling me that i had been videotaped during a time that i had been triggered, by that persons behavior — impatient yelling and threats to terminate sessions unless i permitted videotaping or ceased discussion of certain things that caused discomfort to the other person (things like requesting that the one and only witness to some aspects of what the police did to me actually come forward and report it, which, actually seems like it is finally going to happen, but i can’t be certain about it because of an unrelenting insistance that i did something to cause the police to assault me and take me into custody — uh, all i did was open my door when they tried to break in. and that was after i had opened it before and spoken to them and explained about the mistake, demonstrated that i was okay, and we had all said goodnight, and i had closed the door. also, i opened the door as per the instructions of my t, who was on the phone with me, hence becoming the only thing near a witness) anyway, about the videotaping, then i was told that the tape was being erased. then i was told that the camera never ran, it was just a ploy to get me outa my dissed state. (and there are all sorts of gentler, effective ways to bring me back. i believe that the camera game probably prolonged my dissociation because it probably totally triggered me with fear. but i keep meeting with denial about all that. instead i am told that other things were tried. i don’t believe it. that is anwered with, "you [me, guess] are delusional," which always sounds threatening, as in, "don’t try to tell anyone the truth about what goes on when you and i are alone in my office because i will report you as delusional and with your various dxes, all of which i have labeled and laden you with, no one will believe you and all will believe me." and, in consideration of that, i can’t forget that i have gone to psych wards, locked psych wards, 3x under the tutelage and leadership of this person who now seems totally to betray me. oh, one more thing, i think that if i were to show up with a lawyer or some sort of law enforcement agent to get my stuff from this person, that the result would only be the destruction of my belongings. i can’t even get what’s mine accounted for in my presence. i’m told when i try to, that i am wasting time and/or that there hasn’t been time to "find" it all. so what’s that all about, i’d like to know! That’s all I can respond to at this point.. might post more tomorrow. Fwiw, I always read every post even if I can’t respond at the time.

I’m gonna send this via my new, slow, isp, because i still can’t get the sig line outa the other one. and i’m still sorta frightened that this will end up in the wrong hands, but i gotta talk about it. it keeps me awake when i wanna sleep and passes me out into sweaty nightmares and flashbacks when i wanna be awake. as i said elsewhere, i mean in other asd threads, recently, i feel trapped. i think i am trapped. another really great (not) thing going on for me is frequently encountering the cops who did this to me. it seems that my neighborhood is their beat. they’re always driving around and frequently parked in front of somebody else’s home, out of their cars, and looking, at least to me, quite menacing. meanwhile, there are two different men in the neighborhood who have threatened me. one of them even assaulted me. another one trespassed on my property and stole something from me. but when i called the police to report those things, not one officer even wrote a report. and, guess what? the so-called internal police investigation into the v*olnce committed against me by the police has come to a silent standstill. who cares about me? anway, i hope this explains more of what i’m going thru. thanks for inquiring, Rainstar. I’m still nervous that someone here at asd will betray me to the one whom i fear. and i worry that whatever "outing" of me that took place has already compromised my efforts to become anonymous enough to keep participating here, someplace where i can get a littel support at the very least. in a last ditch effort to protect myself, i’m gonna send this via my new, molasses in january isp. sorry for any delays, but i am writing this at 5:30 a.m. on Sunday, Dec. 8. guess — For info about this service, see http://anon.twwells.com/help/ or e-mail:

Response:

that’s kinda funny, isn’t it? not being alone in isolation? guess

– For info about this service, see http://anon.twwells.com/help/ or e-mail:

Response:

oops. i wasn’t trying to be cute or mocking or anything, Baba Yaga. What’s below is an honest to goodness typo. I coulda been real tired. it was during the wee hours after lots of dosing to deal with anxiety produced by a soon to occur encounter with the person from whom i am hiding with my new nick. my new isp seems to be extremely slow with its news server. i am now reading on the gift server. all the stuff that i sent early this a.m. shows, but it doesn’t show on the new isp one. also, although i wrote and mailed something like 6 posts to asd between 4 and 6 a.m. today, my server shows that the posts weren’t sent out until after 9 a.m. oh, how short my patience grows with each new advent in technology. after awhile i guess i’ll adjust to this thing. meanwhile, i hope my friend keeps up the gift service. it makes an enormous difference. and i’m very grateful. guess

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi. Thanks for this info, Baby Yaga. If my "present" ever runs out, and i can’t get my new isp newswerver to work, i’ll check into this. for now, nothing has ever been as reliable and timely as newscene, which is the news server to which my friend subsribes me. and i’m very grateful for it. i always like seeing you pop in here at asd. Your sig line is important and poignant. i agree with the sentiment of the question. i fear that not enough people in the u.s.a. have the same agreement, about that nor about all of the other disasters wrecked upon humanity by the current media and supreme court jester coup installed administration of the u.s.a. oh well. it’s still nice to see or hear a shared sentiment once in awhile. guess p.s. this probably won’t show up for a couple of days until after i’ve sent it. that seems to be a drawback with my new isp, but considering the advice given me by astri, and what came through from 14, and the warning i got that someone, who seems to me to consistently act in a t*rr*rizing manner at this ng (i’m talking about behavior) already outed me… well, i already have little hope of effective anonymity, and that little hope seems tied to this isp. alt.support.dissociation: Well, I got a new, cheapy isp that is just a small local thing, but i’m having trouble getting everything organized and functioning on it. Lucky for me it comes with tech support, no extra cost. They gave me a deal for $7.85 a mo. I think that’s pretty incredible and i think i’ll be able to afford to keep it. But, so far i can’t get the news group server to work, so i’m still thankful for the gift of one of those from a friend. otherwise, i still would not be able to be in touch with asd. Try http://news.cis.dfn.de Requires a real addy and a name (it asks for your real one, but I expect that anything plausible would do) to register. & it’s reliable. Baba Yaga — If these pages of trickery are based on "probably" and "if", we have no business going to war. If they are all true, we murdered half a million Iraqi children. How’s that for a war crime? Robert Fisk, in the /Independent/ on the UK government "dossier" on Iraq — For info about this service, see http://anon.twwells.com/help/ or e-mail:

– For info about this service, see http://anon.twwells.com/help/ or e-mail:

Response:

See below…

guess p.s. this probably won’t show up for a couple of days until after i’ve sent it. that seems to be a drawback with my new isp, but considering the advice given me by astri, and what came through from 14, and the warning i got that someone, who seems to me to consistently act in a t*rr*rizing manner at this ng (i’m talking about behavior) already outed me… well, i already have little hope of effective anonymity, and that little hope seems tied to this isp.

I warned you NOT to mention me or discuss anything using my nick unless I was directly involved in that particular thread. Why did you mention me doesn’t happen again. This is not a threat, it is however a warning. I’m tired of your bashing, flaming, constant innuendo, put downs, and sarcasm in reference to me and I will put a stop to it one way or the other. If you do it again I will take action, even if it means I lose whatever little support I might find on this ng. 14 who is really pissed and is trying NOT to overstep boundaries and respect someone she finds repulsive,and pushing the limits in order to get exactly what she wants, a reaction from me, pushing my buttons and daring me to go beyond that which I really don’t want to do to prove to the ng that I’m the awful person she has made me out to be in HER OWN MIND.

Response:

Sent: Sunday, December 08, 2002 12:33 PM – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – See below… guess p.s. this probably won’t show up for a couple of days until after i’ve sent it. that seems to be a drawback with my new isp, but considering the advice given me by astri, and what came through from 14, and the warning i got that someone, who seems to me to consistently act in a t*rr*rizing manner at this ng (i’m talking about behavior) already outed me… well, i already have little hope of effective anonymity, and that little hope seems tied to this isp. I warned you NOT to mention me or discuss anything using my nick unless I was directly involved in that particular thread. Why did you mention me it doesn’t happen again. This is not a threat, it is however a warning. I’m tired of your bashing, flaming, constant innuendo, put downs, and sarcasm in reference to me and I will put a stop to it one way or the other. If you do it again I will take action, even if it means I lose whatever little support I might find on this ng. 14 who is really pissed and is trying NOT to overstep boundaries and respect someone she finds repulsive,and pushing the limits in order to get exactly what she wants, a reaction from me, pushing my buttons and daring me to go beyond that which I really don’t want to do to prove to the ng that I’m the awful person she has made me out to be in HER OWN MIND.

I am sorry… but I cannot for the life of me figure out who this is from, and so cannot see how any "don’t mention me" threat (no, what you said doesn’t in any way, shape or form sound like anything but a threat) can be acted on. Is it the ‘nick’ (number) that starts the whole last paragraph? That is a paragraph, not a signature, so, no, it doesn’t seem to me to be possible that that is the case. I suppose that the person who originally wrote ("guess again"?) may know, but it is unclear to me. It is _*very*_ clear to me, however, that there is *nothing* remotely resembling, "bashing, flaming, constant innuendo, put downs, and sarcasm" with direct regards to a *named* person in the comment you quoted from that resulted in this response from you. (An opinion of someone "t*rr*rizing" people is just that: an opinion, but here is not linked to a name, so ‘outsiders’ [such as myself] have no *clue* who is being referred to. If others respond in support of comments about someone seeming to "t*rr*rize" people, then it might be possible that that person does, indeed come across that way, whether they mean to or not, and needs to look very deeply at their own behavior. I would see the comments above as attempts to "t*rr*rize", as they are clearly anger and threat-based [taking ambiguous future 'action' when the tone is angry is a threat, just FYI... if you were very clear on what you would do, stating chapter and verse of how you would eliminate such things, then it could possibly cease to be a threat, but - as written - it is a threat].) Just an observation. I hope you take a step back and look at what you wrote here… I also hope that "guess again" takes a step back and looks at whatever sie has been writing to see how sie may – or may not – be adding fuel to whatever fire is going on between the two of you. I do not agree with _*anyone*_ bashing, flaming, using constant innuendo, or put downs, and sarcasm with regards to anyone else on the group (or in real, for that matter), and, yes, that includes "guess who" as well (no double-standard on this one from me!) This is *supposed* to be a safe place where people in distress can come to get support. Reading any of that type of post – or threatening posts – even if the target is not oneself, is not conducive to that environment and is *very* likely to trigger a *large* number of people here. I hope this is taken to heart by *all* who read it, not just "itchy" (where I cannot find the name "itchy" even referred to in the quoted part above that sie seems to be responding to! If you are referred to above, then I would also suggest that you change your "From" name to correspond with your "nick" as being two-named is most confusing and does not allow those who want – or don’t want – to read your posts to do so.) -ZebraBeard If posting a reply to this, please e-mail a copy to me, my news server *very* rarely shows my posts or the responses to them. [Anyone who e-mails automatically gets their own anonymous twwells address if they don't already have one, so I would never see your 'real' address if you have concerns about that]. Thank you! — For info about this service, see http://anon.twwells.com/help/ or e-mail:

Response:

p/e Sent: Sunday, December 08, 2002 12:33 PM [...] 14 who is really pissed and is trying NOT to overstep boundaries and respect someone she finds repulsive,and pushing the limits in order to get exactly what she wants, a reaction from me, pushing my buttons and daring me to go beyond that which I really don’t want to do to prove to the ng that I’m the awful person she has made me out to be in HER OWN MIND. I am sorry… but I cannot for the life of me figure out who this is from,

itchy = 14. 14 isn’t the only one who posts with the username itchy, altho it’s bee a while since others posted, i think. you need to try to get used to multiple names being used under the same account, since you are dealing with a significant percentage of multiples here. in any case, so that you have some perspective, there is a history here. 14 has requested a number of times that guess never speak to hir or mention hir name online. 14 was reacting to guess’ mention of hir name. i understood that part. i also understood 14’s frustration and anger because her initiation of a response to guess this go-round was intended to be a helpful comment. unfortunately, guess has also stated in the past that she would like 14 not to write to her online or in email. guess states that she doesn’t usually read 14’s stuff. i think it’s also unfortunate that, because of their history with each other, currently any interaction between the two of them is bound to end up with at least one of them angry at the other, even if the initial contact wasn’t something that other people outside that relationship would see as hostile or attacking. then the communication, if it continues, invariably ends up being hostile on both sides. i think that both have the right intent in requesting that each avoid the other. i think that’s the only way they can coexist in some semblance of harmony. i don’t know what 14’s threatened action is, and i don’t care to know. i hope it never comes to that. – astri – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -and so cannot see how any "don’t mention me" threat (no, what you said doesn’t in any way, shape or form sound like anything but a threat) can be acted on. Is it the ‘nick’ (number) that starts the whole last paragraph? That is a paragraph, not a signature, so, no, it doesn’t seem to me to be possible that that is the case. I suppose that the person who originally wrote ("guess again"?) may know, but it is unclear to me. It is _*very*_ clear to me, however, that there is *nothing* remotely resembling, "bashing, flaming, constant innuendo, put downs, and sarcasm" with direct regards to a *named* person in the comment you quoted from that resulted in this response from you. (An opinion of someone "t*rr*rizing" people is just that: an opinion, but here is not linked to a name, so ‘outsiders’ [such as myself] have no *clue* who is being referred to. If others respond in support of comments about someone seeming to "t*rr*rize" people, then it might be possible that that person does, indeed come across that way, whether they mean to or not, and needs to look very deeply at their own behavior. I would see the comments above as attempts to "t*rr*rize", as they are clearly anger and threat-based [taking ambiguous future 'action' when the tone is angry is a threat, just FYI... if you were very clear on what you would do, stating chapter and verse of how you would eliminate such things, then it could possibly cease to be a threat, but - as written - it is a threat].) Just an observation. I hope you take a step back and look at what you wrote here… I also hope that "guess again" takes a step back and looks at whatever sie has been writing to see how sie may – or may not – be adding fuel to whatever fire is going on between the two of you. I do not agree with _*anyone*_ bashing, flaming, using constant innuendo, or put downs, and sarcasm with regards to anyone else on the group (or in real, for that matter), and, yes, that includes "guess who" as well (no double-standard on this one from me!) This is *supposed* to be a safe place where people in distress can come to get support. Reading any of that type of post – or threatening posts – even if the target is not oneself, is not conducive to that environment and is *very* likely to trigger a *large* number of people here. I hope this is taken to heart by *all* who read it, not just "itchy" (where I cannot find the name "itchy" even referred to in the quoted part above that sie seems to be responding to! If you are referred to above, then I would also suggest that you change your "From" name to correspond with your "nick" as being two-named is most confusing and does not allow those who want – or don’t want – to read your posts to do so.) -ZebraBeard If posting a reply to this, please e-mail a copy to me, my news server *very* rarely shows my posts or the responses to them. [Anyone who e-mails automatically gets their own anonymous twwells address if they don't already have one, so I would never see your 'real' address if you have concerns about that]. Thank you! — For info about this service, see http://anon.twwells.com/help/ or e-mail:

Response:

astri, thank you for the explanation. All I really want is to be left alone by "guess" through implication, innuendo, direct reference, or any other tacky (tricky) way she can allude to me in posts. As for me, I have no intentions of ever replying to a post of hers again unless she continues the personal attacks, all I seem to do is give her fuel to fire her paranoid personality. Peace 14

Response:

okay, now i am pulling out my hair. i mean, really. this is what i think happened: i changed my nick to protect myeself after an absence form asd becaucsw i mssedi it and i was losing my min d more adn more adn not getting any help like in thrpy. so i wanted to come back to asd. but my t had already called me up one night and given me a raft of doo doo about a post i put here that talked about problems sie had caused me beginning with sending the police to my place where they beat me up and took me to a hsptl where the tox screen proved that i had made no attempt to off myseslf, as the t and the borg (who started it all by calling the t and lying to hir about me) had said. aslo, the psyhctrsts at the hsptl wrote in my records that i was lucid, oriented to time adn location, articulate, logical, and emphatically not certifiable. sie wrote that the only thing wrong with me was the i juriniinjuries i sustained from the police beating. sie released me to myself. since then i’ve been nothing but a ptsd glob of tearful, snotty glue. my functionality as a human being is bottoming out. sleep is excessive and at the wrong hours for any sort of productivity. io’m afraid of everybody. and now the snow has me triggered even more. oh, but anyway, when i changed my nick i received wqrarning via a post to the ng from astri that soft had outed me, and that of course freaked me out some more. then, i got an embedded post from somebody whom i usually don’t open posts from in somebody’s post at asd, i can’t remember anymore whose it was, maybe astri’s again. and i responded to it, but tried to reiterate my position of not wanting contact with that person. after that i’ve ntoiced a whoel buncha posts, in threads that i’ve initiated, from two people whom i have made very clear staemenats of not wanting contact with. i haven’t opened those posts, but that they are showing up makes me more than a little scared, especially after hearing from zebrabeard that some flame thing is going on. and i can’t stand flames and that’s the last thing i want, so if anything i said triggered any flames i take it back and please stop. also, now i also see a post from the 3rd person of all of 3 asdissers whom i don’t want to interact with showing up with a header that seems to be directed toward me and i’m too scared to open it, so i’m not gonna. but, pleaese, if everybody could just chill about my nick change. it’s still me with all the same stuff except a new nick. i’ve had to go through a whole lot with the t to reach an agreement to pursue the complaint against the police and i’ve had to take extreme action to put the borg outa my life and that’s been just about all my lfie ahas eebeen about since the police acame and beat me up. i’d venture to say that anybody here, whether i interadtc5t with hir or not, would be traumatized if sie anwsered hir door and 6 big people in uniforms with guns on their hips grabbed hir and threw hir on the sidewalk and slammed hir head into it and cut up hir arms and legs and handcuffed hir hard enough to cause big purple welts up hir arms for over a week and dragged hri off to a h*llhole hsptl with a torture chamber psych ward and locked hir in an empty room and looked in at hir naked body when sie was orederd to disrobe adn redress in the hsptl garb and laughed at hir and refussed to alolow hir to have a drink of water. an internal police investigation is taking place right now. the t is giving an interview on my behalf. a neighbor who witnessed it is also testifying. and a law firm is taking my casase either pro bono or on a contingency basis, depending on what we settle on the goals of their involvement to be — like if there is a lawsuit o r if they just end up counseling me on how to proceed with the internal police investigationl the police also did damage to my property. not to mention my reputiaotn withmy neighbors, my new neighbors, since i just moved here in june. and also, now i’ve stopped all my community organzinging involvement outa of fear of encounterin g the cops and whatever might be said about me around this very small town that i live in. so whatever the heck these 3 people are complainign about me, and to whoever else is reading anything they have to say, please consider how all of the reported to me flaming got started. meanwhile my history with those 3 people is as follows: one of them has never done anything but attack and insult me since i joined this ng 3 yrs ago. another one acted friendly sometimes and then attacked me vulgarly immediately afterwards, swinging back and forht like that for about a year, until i stopped interacting with hir. the 3rd was a friend until sie freaked out about an attempt i made to raise enough funds for another asd member to get shelter and healthcare when sie faced homelessness and possible loss of limbs, not to mention d*ath from severe healkth problems. that poerson lives in extreme poverty and has sometimes needed to lvie in hir car and has writen about all of this ieightr here at asd, so i’m not talking outa school or anytningl. the one in conflict witn me is or was at one tim e queie wealthy, as sie reported here hirself, and had helped me out financially a coupla times. and i was grateful for that. and still am, but a lot of other dirty water went under the buckling bridge since then. anyway, from what zaebraabeard adn astri and jill have said, i get the idea that a flame war is taking place and that it is about me. and i hoep that it stops. meanwhiel i’ll lay low again and try to change my nick again and come back later. and once again i’ll say, if anybody wants towrite anything to me in private please use my new twwells address, which should show up with this post. guess p.s. if my t ends up with any of this stuff in front of hir it will do harm to me, and i thin,k that nobody here has enough info to really get, i mean undesatand, what is going on at my side of the screen, so please midn your own business. i’m sory i tried to get support here. i thought i could, but for days otnow all i’ve been doing is trying to explain why i don’t wanna deal with the first two of the three asd members i avoid, and now the third, and this is not helping me at all. and i do need help. that really is all i was looking for, some spport, some help in figuring out ow to cope with lall of this crap that has almost totally debiliated me.

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – p/e Sent: Sunday, December 08, 2002 12:33 PM [...] 14 who is really pissed and is trying NOT to overstep boundaries and respect someone she finds repulsive,and pushing the limits in order to get exactly what she wants, a reaction from me, pushing my buttons and daring me to go beyond that which I really don’t want to do to prove to the ng that I’m the awful person she has made me out to be in HER OWN MIND. I am sorry… but I cannot for the life of me figure out who this is from, itchy = 14. 14 isn’t the only one who posts with the username itchy, altho it’s bee a while since others posted, i think. you need to try to get used to multiple names being used under the same account, since you are dealing with a significant percentage of multiples here. in any case, so that you have some perspective, there is a history here. 14 has requested a number of times that guess never speak to hir or mention hir name online. 14 was reacting to guess’ mention of hir name. i understood that part. i also understood 14’s frustration and anger because her initiation of a response to guess this go-round was intended to be a helpful comment. unfortunately, guess has also stated in the past that she would like 14 not to write to her online or in email. guess states that she doesn’t usually read 14’s stuff. i think it’s also unfortunate that, because of their history with each other, currently any interaction between the two of them is bound to end up with at least one of them angry at the other, even if the initial contact wasn’t something that other people outside that relationship would see as hostile or attacking. then the communication, if it continues, invariably ends up being hostile on both sides. i think that both have the right intent in requesting that each avoid the other. i think that’s the only way they can coexist in some semblance of harmony. i don’t know what 14’s threatened action is, and i don’t care to know. i hope it never comes to that. – astri and so cannot see how any "don’t mention me" threat (no, what you said doesn’t in any way, shape or form sound like anything but a threat) can be acted on. Is it the ‘nick’ (number) that starts the whole last paragraph? That is a paragraph, not a signature, so, no, it doesn’t seem to me to be possible that that is the case. I suppose that the person who originally wrote ("guess again"?) may know, but it is unclear to me. It is _*very*_ clear to me, however, that there is *nothing* remotely resembling, "bashing, flaming, constant innuendo, put downs, and sarcasm" with direct regards to a *named* person in the comment you quoted from that resulted in this response from you. (An opinion of someone "t*rr*rizing" people is just that: an opinion, but here is not linked to a name, so ‘outsiders’ [such as myself] have no *clue* who is being referred to. If others respond in support of comments about someone seeming to "t*rr*rize" people, then it might be possible that that person does, indeed come across that way, whether they mean to or not, and needs to look very deeply at their own behavior. I would see the comments above as attempts to "t*rr*rize", as they are clearly anger

Response:

snipped Why do you continue to attack "us 3" as if we are your whole world. Get over it, leave me alone, you are like a parasite I can’t get rid of, and you continually have to refer to "us" as if the whole fucking group doesn’t know who the hell you’re talking about. None of us 3 need to come to the defense of the other but I think your attitude and how you attempt to belittle Nahanton is beyond reason. Just because she may have a few more bucks than you do, and didn’t live up to some fantasy you invented and expected her to fulfill ,you beat her down verbally every chance you get. also, now i also see a post from the 3rd person of all of 3 asdissers whom i don’t want to interact with showing up with a header that seems to be directed toward me and i’m too scared to open it,

to be the next person at your front door "attacking" you. Get over your paranoia and find someone else to pick on and put down. Funny how you mention the "3rd" person in the same paragraph as your supposed attack by the police. It makes for great fiction when you can sting it all in the same sentence and make it sound as if the "3rd" person is like the cops. See, that’s what I mean about your put downs, innuendos, and implications. so i’m not gonna. but, pleaese, if everybody could just chill about my nick change. it’s still me with all the same stuff except a new nick. i’ve had to go through a whole lot with the t to reach an agreement to pursue the complaint against the police and i’ve had to take extreme action to put the borg outa my life and that’s been just about all my lfie ahas eebeen about since the police acame and beat me up.

Left a bit of the police talk in to make a point. meanwhile my history with those 3 people is as follows: one of them has never done anything but attack and insult me since i joined this ng 3 yrs ago. another one acted friendly sometimes and then attacked me vulgarly immediately afterwards, swinging back and forht like that for about a year, until i stopped interacting with hir.

I know who this is….. Will someone please ask "guesswhosit" to stop mentioning me. I’m asking as a favor since she says she doesn’t read my posts because I’m losing my patience with her and I really don’t want to be talked about again by her. This is a plea…. I will stop if she stops, never to mention her again or reply to a thread she’s started. If she doesn’t then I guess, no pun intended, I go to Plan "B" and I really don’t want to do that. I just want ANY reference to me, in any way, to permanently and forever STOP. I am not going to defend myself nor argue about the misrepresentation of her description of our past interactions, that’s a waste. All I want is peace, I’m sorry I ever offered any suggestions to this person. I give, I’m bailing, I’m outta here if she will just stop. All of this, for her and me, is a waste of time and probably offending most of you or scaring people away, and that was not and is not my intention. I just want her to shut up about me. snipped to save bandwidth Peace 14

Response:

I know who this is….. Will someone please ask "guesswhosit" to stop mentioning me.

i already did. i think it would be best for all. — astri

Response:

Thank you, and I agree. Peace 14

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I know who this is….. Will someone please ask "guesswhosit" to stop mentioning me. i already did. i think it would be best for all. — astri

Response:

Making people think is a positive quality. All of the things you lsit here that people ahve said make you unique are good qualities. Being unique is a good thing. It doesn’t mean you don’t also have a lot in common with people. When I think of you, I don’t think first of your dissociation or trauma history. I think of how you are thought-provokign, intellectually stimulating, passionate and knowledgable about a variety of issues, able to discuss important things on a deep level, able to express yourself beautifully, caring, compassionate, interesting, humorous, etc. And I hoep there are people who live near you who can appreciate these qualities in you. By the way, if I don’t respond to a post or e-mail right away, it’s not that I don’t care or want to respond. I only log on a couple times a week this day because of the chaos in my own life. -Nancy

Response:

You express your pain so eloquently and articulately. I wish that your gift of self-expression could help you, at least to feel some sense of catharsis or relief. I like your associations about a poem with the lunar songs and loon songs. Have you tried writing poetry lately? Sometimes that can have a healing effect. I am very concerned about the harm that your t seems to be doing to you. It seems like the t has really lost perspective and that the relationship is a danger to you. Aren’t there any community mental health centers in your area? They have to accept Medicare, they ahve to accept any client who comes in, and many of them can give free med samples to those in need. And they don’t necessarily need your old records. Even if they do receive old records, taht doesn’t make it hopeless. It may be better than being trapped in the current situation. I really am worried. -Nancy

Response:

alt.support.dissociation Hi. Thanks for this info, Baby Yaga.

Pleasure. & don’t worry about the typo, it’s a common one – I’ve done it myself. If my "present" ever runs out, and i can’t get my new isp newswerver to work, i’ll check into this. for now, nothing has ever been as reliable and timely as newscene, which is the news server to which my friend subsribes me. and i’m very grateful for it.

A gift you really want is the best sort. i always like seeing you pop in here at asd.

Thank you. I lurk round the edges, as someone once said. [snipping] Baba Yaga — http://www.adbusters.org/magazine/36/toxic/

Response:

If you like this post and would like to receive updates from this blog, please subscribe our feed. Subscribe via RSS

Posted in: PTSD |

Trauma – PTSD

Question:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Recent Entries

Search

Categories