Question:
Well life is starting to spiral out of control again. I did this about this time last year. Maybe its all te holidays making everything worse. Holidays have alot of bad memories for me. Birthdays, holidays, family get togethers. They were all times when ‘he’ was around. And i could never know if he would try something or not. Lately I’ve also started to get paranoid about things. I’ve always been afraid of my father but he never abused me that I remember. But if he touches me even just a tap on the shoulder I get so scared. Almost having panic attacks. I know I do not have alot of memories as a kid. I think that may be why I have a hard time in trherapy talking to the therpist. I’m scared what i may find out. Maybe he did abuse me but i just dont remember it. My father was also the one who was against my going to the police over the rape/abuse. Was he hiding something? Every where I turn lately i wonder if someone is out there going to hurt me again. I dont think the zoloft is helping much but then again I also quit seeing that stupid therpist who would only work on the depression and didn’t want to even touch the abuse issues. The thoughts of cutting are back full force. Maybe even worse than before. I’m not sure i can take much more of this. This has done nothing towards helping me spiritually. If there is a God out there how the hell can he let these things happen. Why wont he heal me like I’ve prayed so many times. Somedays I wonder if i die if anyone would even notice. I’ve even had the ocasional thought of how I would want my things divided up if I die. I know I’m spiraling down to the bottom. But I dont know how to stop it. I dont know where to turn for help. I’m tierd of always being scared and helpless. Zaser
Response:
geez JoJo that is awful – I don’t do the holidays, I just skip them – when ever I think a holiday is warranted for myself then I take one, no matter what day it is do you have a therp to talk to? or anyone close by? if you don’t you can email me if you don’t want to vent here – be as virulent as you like – I’ve heard everything 
I hope you’re ok — RB dream scorpion’s sting at night, inner turmoil wields great might, fret concerning things most dear, strength eroding with subtle fear. "Joanne & Dave Johnson" <za…@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message news:agCP7.211705$3d2.9489101@bgtnsc06-news.ops.worldnet.att.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Well life is starting to spiral out of control again. I did this about this > time last year. Maybe its all te holidays making everything worse. > Holidays have alot of bad memories for me. Birthdays, holidays, family get > togethers. They were all times when ‘he’ was around. And i could never > know if he would try something or not. Lately I’ve also started to get > paranoid about things. I’ve always been afraid of my father but he never > abused me that I remember. But if he touches me even just a tap on the > shoulder I get so scared. Almost having panic attacks. I know I do not > have alot of memories as a kid. I think that may be why I have a hard time > in trherapy talking to the therpist. I’m scared what i may find out. Maybe > he did abuse me but i just dont remember it. My father was also the one who > was against my going to the police over the rape/abuse. Was he hiding > something? Every where I turn lately i wonder if someone is out there going > to hurt me again. I dont think the zoloft is helping much but then again I > also quit seeing that stupid therpist who would only work on the depression > and didn’t want to even touch the abuse issues. The thoughts of cutting are > back full force. Maybe even worse than before. I’m not sure i can take > much more of this. This has done nothing towards helping me spiritually. > If there is a God out there how the hell can he let these things happen. > Why wont he heal me like I’ve prayed so many times. Somedays I wonder if i > die if anyone would even notice. I’ve even had the ocasional thought of how > I would want my things divided up if I die. I know I’m spiraling down to > the bottom. But I dont know how to stop it. I dont know where to turn for > help. I’m tierd of always being scared and helpless. > Zaser
Response:
Sorry that you are feeling so bad.:-( Holydays are an issue/trigger for a lot of us here. I have great difficulty for many of the reasons you have stated as well as my accident and subsequent amputation 2 years later were both in the these holidays. A lot of the abuse from my swimming coach was over summer too.Heck it ain’t a great time. Being a single amputee mother who lives near the beach has its drawbacks in summer let me tell you.(downunder) So i do what I can and don’t do what I can’t anymore. The painful flashbacks and tension in my body is a hard one to tackle each year So far not much success!! I hang on by the finger nails on a day to day basis. Sorry I don’t have much in the support area to help you. 
You are not alone tho. helski
Response:
I don’t know what to say except to agree that holidays are horrible for most of us it seems. The parents were home from work more so there was more opportunity to abuse. I remember my back injury was at christmas, remember seeing the colored lights. I also know what you mean about the need to cut…….it’s been many years for me, but somehow this year the thought has been there again. Just my own opinion, but I think you need to try to get into the memories. I’ve uncovered maybe half of mine and with those it’s helped, but I think the ones that are still buried are trying to churn to the surface, feel myself slipping down into that black hole. Can you try to find a therapist who will deal with the memories? Sometimes the unraveling of them takes time and patience. I sympathize because that’s kind of how I feel now too. All tangled up inside and lost. I’ve never been able to remember more than a few seconds of anything to do with my father. I’ll suddenly ’see his fist swinging at me’ or the flash of his eyes, or worse yet hear the words ‘it’s a secret.’ But never more than a couple seconds of time. And the black hole sucking me ever downwards. tiny dancer "Joanne & Dave Johnson" <za…@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message news:agCP7.211705$3d2.9489101@bgtnsc06-news.ops.worldnet.att.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Well life is starting to spiral out of control again. I did this about this > time last year. Maybe its all te holidays making everything worse. > Holidays have alot of bad memories for me. Birthdays, holidays, family get > togethers. They were all times when ‘he’ was around. And i could never > know if he would try something or not. Lately I’ve also started to get > paranoid about things. I’ve always been afraid of my father but he never > abused me that I remember. But if he touches me even just a tap on the > shoulder I get so scared. Almost having panic attacks. I know I do not > have alot of memories as a kid. I think that may be why I have a hard time > in trherapy talking to the therpist. I’m scared what i may find out. Maybe > he did abuse me but i just dont remember it. My father was also the one who > was against my going to the police over the rape/abuse. Was he hiding > something? Every where I turn lately i wonder if someone is out there going > to hurt me again. I dont think the zoloft is helping much but then again I > also quit seeing that stupid therpist who would only work on the depression > and didn’t want to even touch the abuse issues. The thoughts of cutting are > back full force. Maybe even worse than before. I’m not sure i can take > much more of this. This has done nothing towards helping me spiritually. > If there is a God out there how the hell can he let these things happen. > Why wont he heal me like I’ve prayed so many times. Somedays I wonder if i > die if anyone would even notice. I’ve even had the ocasional thought of how > I would want my things divided up if I die. I know I’m spiraling down to > the bottom. But I dont know how to stop it. I dont know where to turn for > help. I’m tierd of always being scared and helpless. > Zaser
Response:
Hi Zaser! First, welcome to our little corner of usenet. I’m sorry that you seem to qualify! > Well life is starting to spiral out of control again. I did this about this > time last year. Maybe its all te holidays making everything worse. > Holidays have alot of bad memories for me. Birthdays, holidays, family get > togethers.
Second … this is entirely normal for those of us with PTSD. Our bodies have memories that need to heal IME. And, the healing can take a long time when I fight against it. Thus, I have learned to find ’stuff’ that makes my body happy when an anniversary approaches: aromatherapy (every smell but sandalwood makes me gag but YMMV), guided imagery meditation, gardening (this last 3 days has been wonderful), long bubble baths (never been my favorite but it does work sometimes), sewing, reading books (when the garden is full of snow, especially). For Thanksgiving this year, I slept 16 hours and made Delmonico steaks for my son and myself. It was so much easier on my body than the ‘traditions’ that I’m thinking about the same for Christmas day. > I dont think the zoloft is helping much but then again I > also quit seeing that stupid therpist who would only work on the depression > and didn’t want to even touch the abuse issues.
Well, you know best what your body needs. In my case, depression was the other side of fear. Fearing what??? Everything aka generalized anxiety disorder, if memory serves. In order to deal with the depression, I worked on the fears and distorted thinking … in the process I let go of the abuse stuff. And, in case you think that life is a bowl of cherries for me now, yesterday in group my fear was handling ‘good stuff’. After 7 or so years of therapy, I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m just not sure that I have strong enough sun glasses to go farther into the lights. YMMV Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
Have you tried EMDR? It was a great help with my daughter. She was at the bottom when we hauled her to a therapist who was trained in this. This is their site http://www.emdr.com/. You conjure up the feelings and start the eye movement process. It also helped me get over an unreasonable fear I had in connection with my daughter’s trauma. It is not the magic pill but it has helped her be less afraid, and more able to cope with the experience. There was a big article in our local paper about it being applied to rape victims. I couldn’t find it for you, but check out the site and see if you can find someone trained in this. I did it myself to myself and felt those feelings melt, but it is best controlled with a therapist. —> Sue Cole <— "Joanne & Dave Johnson" <za…@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message news:agCP7.211705$3d2.9489101@bgtnsc06-news.ops.worldnet.att.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Well life is starting to spiral out of control again. I did this about this > time last year. Maybe its all te holidays making everything worse. > Holidays have alot of bad memories for me. Birthdays, holidays, family get > togethers. They were all times when ‘he’ was around. And i could never > know if he would try something or not. Lately I’ve also started to get > paranoid about things. I’ve always been afraid of my father but he never > abused me that I remember. But if he touches me even just a tap on the > shoulder I get so scared. Almost having panic attacks. I know I do not > have alot of memories as a kid. I think that may be why I have a hard time > in trherapy talking to the therpist. I’m scared what i may find out. Maybe > he did abuse me but i just dont remember it. My father was also the one who > was against my going to the police over the rape/abuse. Was he hiding > something? Every where I turn lately i wonder if someone is out there going > to hurt me again. I dont think the zoloft is helping much but then again I > also quit seeing that stupid therpist who would only work on the depression > and didn’t want to even touch the abuse issues. The thoughts of cutting are > back full force. Maybe even worse than before. I’m not sure i can take > much more of this. This has done nothing towards helping me spiritually. > If there is a God out there how the hell can he let these things happen. > Why wont he heal me like I’ve prayed so many times. Somedays I wonder if i > die if anyone would even notice. I’ve even had the ocasional thought of how > I would want my things divided up if I die. I know I’m spiraling down to > the bottom. But I dont know how to stop it. I dont know where to turn for > help. I’m tierd of always being scared and helpless. > Zaser
Response:
No i havn’t tried emdr. I have only just recently found someone in my area that does it but havn’t got the nerve yet to call. Maybe I’ll just ahve to bite the bullet and call. Joanne Sue Cole <jsco…@qwest.net> wrote in message
news:JUMP7.99$ae3.66556@news.uswest.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Have you tried EMDR? It was a great help with my daughter. She was at the > bottom when we hauled her to a therapist who was trained in this. This is > their site http://www.emdr.com/. You conjure up the feelings and start the > eye movement process. It also helped me get over an unreasonable fear I had > in connection with my daughter’s trauma. It is not the magic pill but it has > helped her be less afraid, and more able to cope with the experience. There > was a big article in our local paper about it being applied to rape victims. > I couldn’t find it for you, but check out the site and see if you can find > someone trained in this. I did it myself to myself and felt those feelings > melt, but it is best controlled with a therapist. > —> Sue Cole <— > "Joanne & Dave Johnson" <za…@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message > news:agCP7.211705$3d2.9489101@bgtnsc06-news.ops.worldnet.att.net… > > Well life is starting to spiral out of control again. I did this about > this > > time last year. Maybe its all te holidays making everything worse. > > Holidays have alot of bad memories for me. Birthdays, holidays, family > get > > togethers. They were all times when ‘he’ was around. And i could never > > know if he would try something or not. Lately I’ve also started to get > > paranoid about things. I’ve always been afraid of my father but he never > > abused me that I remember. But if he touches me even just a tap on the > > shoulder I get so scared. Almost having panic attacks. I know I do not > > have alot of memories as a kid. I think that may be why I have a hard > time > > in trherapy talking to the therpist. I’m scared what i may find out. > Maybe > > he did abuse me but i just dont remember it. My father was also the one > who > > was against my going to the police over the rape/abuse. Was he hiding > > something? Every where I turn lately i wonder if someone is out there > going > > to hurt me again. I dont think the zoloft is helping much but then again > I > > also quit seeing that stupid therpist who would only work on the > depression > > and didn’t want to even touch the abuse issues. The thoughts of cutting > are > > back full force. Maybe even worse than before. I’m not sure i can take > > much more of this. This has done nothing towards helping me spiritually. > > If there is a God out there how the hell can he let these things happen. > > Why wont he heal me like I’ve prayed so many times. Somedays I wonder if > i > > die if anyone would even notice. I’ve even had the ocasional thought of > how > > I would want my things divided up if I die. I know I’m spiraling down to > > the bottom. But I dont know how to stop it. I dont know where to turn > for > > help. I’m tierd of always being scared and helpless. > > Zaser
Response:
Hi Lotte, That is funny I better use that!!! (-: heheh Helsk
Response:
Glad you liked it! This glad: ((((-: (in your honour, tho I’m on the other side) Lotte "helski" <hel…@idl.net.au> skrev i meddelandet news:1007800142.1220@bigboy… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi Lotte, > That is funny I better use that!!! > (-: > heheh > Helsk
Response:
Hi Helski, what’s a downunder smiley? (-:? hugs, Lotte "helski" <hel…@idl.net.au> skrev i meddelandet news:1007622843.847014@bigboy… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Sorry that you are feeling so bad.:-( > Holydays are an issue/trigger for a lot of us here. > I have great difficulty for many of the reasons you have stated as well as > my accident and subsequent amputation 2 years later were both in the these > holidays. > A lot of the abuse from my swimming coach was over summer too.Heck it ain’t > a great time. > Being a single amputee mother who lives near the beach has its drawbacks in > summer let me tell you.(downunder) > So i do what I can and don’t do what I can’t anymore. > The painful flashbacks and tension in my body is a hard one to tackle each > year > So far not much success!! > I hang on by the finger nails on a day to day basis. > Sorry I don’t have much in the support area to help you. > You are not alone tho. > helski
Response:
HI Zaser – I have been in a few groups for suvivors of sexual abuse, and you are showing the signs. You are not alone. It’s common not to have any memories, or just feelings like you described. So is the depression and cutting, and the fear. I’ve found I get the best results when I choose therapists who specialize in sexual abuse. They are experts, and they can help. In any case, take courage – the holidays are awful for me and so many of us. *hug*
Response:
Dear Zaser, please try to find another therapist fast, one who respects you and your opinion. Your post reminds me of so many others around here: I think you’re in the right place, and you need help. If you have thoughts of cutting, it shows it loud and clear. You know, it’s funny about therapists and p-docs: If you’d buy a house, you wouldn’t buy the first one you stumbled over, would you? You’d shop around until you felt good about it. But I’ve heard this so many times: We accept a lousy therapist, because we feel too bad to trust ourselves. Believe me -your life, and your soul is so much more important than any house you could ever find. Please try to find someone you can trust: Such a person can really help you heal. Good luck! Lotte "Joanne & Dave Johnson" <za…@worldnet.att.net> skrev i meddelandet news:agCP7.211705$3d2.9489101@bgtnsc06-news.ops.worldnet.att.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Well life is starting to spiral out of control again. I did this about this > time last year. Maybe its all te holidays making everything worse. > Holidays have alot of bad memories for me. Birthdays, holidays, family get > togethers. They were all times when ‘he’ was around. And i could never > know if he would try something or not. Lately I’ve also started to get > paranoid about things. I’ve always been afraid of my father but he never > abused me that I remember. But if he touches me even just a tap on the > shoulder I get so scared. Almost having panic attacks. I know I do not > have alot of memories as a kid. I think that may be why I have a hard time > in trherapy talking to the therpist. I’m scared what i may find out. Maybe > he did abuse me but i just dont remember it. My father was also the one who > was against my going to the police over the rape/abuse. Was he hiding > something? Every where I turn lately i wonder if someone is out there going > to hurt me again. I dont think the zoloft is helping much but then again I > also quit seeing that stupid therpist who would only work on the depressio n > and didn’t want to even touch the abuse issues. The thoughts of cutting are > back full force. Maybe even worse than before. I’m not sure i can take > much more of this. This has done nothing towards helping me spiritually. > If there is a God out there how the hell can he let these things happen. > Why wont he heal me like I’ve prayed so many times. Somedays I wonder if i > die if anyone would even notice. I’ve even had the ocasional thought of how > I would want my things divided up if I die. I know I’m spiraling down to > the bottom. But I dont know how to stop it. I dont know where to turn for > help. I’m tierd of always being scared and helpless. > Zaser
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