Trauma – PTSD

Question:

Feeling scattered, gotta eat, not as hungry, food is not as appealing. I walked the 5k Walk/Run for cancer yesterday!  Then went on a date. Huuuuge day for lili.  Still scattered.  Don’t know about dating non believers, also ones who use alc/pot occasionally.   But the thing is this guy is so nice. He is so warm. He reminds me of the men in my family, because he is a fisherman and he is outdoorsy and straightforward and relativelyl "normal". But the men in my family all drink some, my dad drinks heavily. The atmosphere I grew up in was so chaotic. It’s just that I never dated anyone like this guy, he’s just so good. Everything he says is so right on it is hard to argue, and it calms down me.  A person who makes you feel like you are not gonna have to be crazy anymore.  Like all the stuff that confused me is still there, and it may not all be lovely, but at least he knows his own answers. Someone who lives on the land, works so closely to the weather and there is such an undeniable wisdom in his love and affinity for nature/ocean/animal.  He is actually descended from daniel boone, funny huh. But it is stifling.  Makes me feel, what’s the point, it’s all headed in a certain direction anyway.  I feel like I should be with him because he is so ‘true’ but I would be so sad if I was with him. And then I think that it is only some grief/sadness that I am avoiding that he allows to come to surface, and that it will integrate into my personality. He’s just the kind of person that makes me forget about all that I went thru since getting sick, like everything. Like makes me feel like so ‘untwisted’. But I know that the faith I gained while sick is real. And he is an athiest, nature is his ‘god’. Also, he smokes occasionally, and I don’t believe in doing anything illegal. Also, my father’s drug use growing up really hurt me. Always felt I was not lovable enough for him, that he needed the alcohol/pot because I was not enough. This guy I met is just soooo earthbound. But he isn’t a believer, and he says he does want a monogamous relationship, but not want marriage, and that he would NEVER marry someone without having sex first.  But I sense that he would change his mind. But you can’t make someone believe who doesn’t want to believe. I just do not want to lose something that is so good because of craziness.  Also, he said that the fact that I have mental illness is almost a deal breaker from the get go. But once he spent some time with me, he felt that the way I come across seems alot more staightforward and normal than alot of gals he meets. (Which, I bet you guys get that alot too!) But this huge revelation came to me, something I sort of knew but was not able to do, which is:  If I keep the wierdness to myself, nobody will notice and over time things will get a rythym.   This is just the kind of guy that could keep my craziness in check. It doesn’t even feel like craziness when I am with him. It feels like life, and when it comes to practical day to day living, he just seems to be very ‘UNCONFLICTED’ about what it all means. He had ptsd cuz he lost his brother in a diving accident, can you imagine how sad.  And he lost his dad when he was only 12.   But there is something about someone so commonsense that makes me almost feel like an idiot.  Like why couldn’t I just figure this out before. He says things and as much as I want to tell myself they are not true, they just ring sooo true and it is very very frightening. But I just wonder if maybe I couldn’t find that same feeling from someone similiar to him, (earthy, grounded), but who is also a believer. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with the things that contradict my beliefs. It’s just that when I tell him what I believe, it even sounds a little silly to me.  So, I am conflicted an scared. The people I come from are good, straightforward, in some ways simple people. I am confused. Any insights would be appreciated.

Response:

man…@voila.fr (me) wrote in message <news:6b2f25c7.0109241530.6550556b@posting.google.com>… > Take time. > Trust in your intuition. > Just be. > Emmanuel

Thanks.  Don’t understand the ‘just be’ part tho.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -xoxo_l…@hotmail.com (lili) wrote in message <news:8e5c3c82.0109231145.671f0748@posting.google.com>… > Feeling scattered, gotta eat, not as hungry, food is not as appealing. > I walked the 5k Walk/Run for cancer yesterday!  Then went on a date. > Huuuuge day for lili.  Still scattered.  Don’t know about dating non > believers, also ones who use alc/pot occasionally.   > But the thing is this guy is so nice. > He is so warm. > He reminds me of the men in my family, because he is a fisherman > and he is outdoorsy and straightforward and relativelyl "normal". > But the men in my family all drink some, my dad drinks heavily. > The atmosphere I grew up in was so chaotic. > It’s just that I never dated anyone like this guy, he’s just so good. > Everything he says is so right on it is hard to argue, and it calms > down me.  A person who makes you feel like you are not gonna have to be > crazy anymore.  Like all the stuff that confused me is still there, and > it may not all be lovely, but at least he knows his own answers. > Someone who lives on the land, works so closely to the weather > and there is such an undeniable wisdom in his love and affinity for > nature/ocean/animal.  He is actually descended from daniel boone, funny > huh. > But it is stifling.  Makes me feel, what’s the point, it’s all headed > in a certain direction anyway.  I feel like I should be with him > because he is so ‘true’ but I would be so sad if I was with him. > And then I think that it is only some grief/sadness that I am avoiding > that he allows to come to surface, and that it will integrate into my > personality. > He’s just the kind of person that makes me forget about all that > I went thru since getting sick, like everything. > Like makes me feel like so ‘untwisted’. > But I know that the faith I gained while sick is real. > And he is an athiest, nature is his ‘god’. > Also, he smokes occasionally, and I don’t believe in doing anything > illegal. > Also, my father’s drug use growing up really hurt me. > Always felt I was not lovable enough for him, that he needed > the alcohol/pot because I was not enough. > This guy I met is just soooo earthbound. > But he isn’t a believer, and he says he does want a monogamous relationship, > but not want marriage, and that he would NEVER marry someone without > having sex first.  But I sense that he would change his mind. > But you can’t make someone believe who doesn’t want to believe. > I just do not want to lose something that is so good because of > craziness.  Also, he said that the fact that I have mental illness > is almost a deal breaker from the get go. > But once he spent some time with me, he felt that the way I come across > seems alot more staightforward and normal than alot of gals he meets. > (Which, I bet you guys get that alot too!) > But this huge revelation came to me, something I sort of knew but was not > able to do, which is:  If I keep the wierdness to myself, nobody will > notice and over time things will get a rythym.   > This is just the kind of guy that could keep my craziness in check. > It doesn’t even feel like craziness when I am with him. > It feels like life, and when it comes to practical day to day living, > he just seems to be very ‘UNCONFLICTED’ about what it all means. > He had ptsd cuz he lost his brother in a diving accident, can you imagine how > sad.  And he lost his dad when he was only 12.   > But there is something about someone so commonsense that makes me almost > feel like an idiot.  Like why couldn’t I just figure this out before. > He says things and as much as I want to tell myself they are not true, > they just ring sooo true and it is very very frightening. > But I just wonder if maybe I couldn’t find that same feeling from someone > similiar to him, (earthy, grounded), but who is also a believer. > Then I wouldn’t have to deal with the things that contradict my beliefs. > It’s just that when I tell him what I believe, it even sounds a little > silly to me.  So, I am conflicted an scared. > The people I come from are good, straightforward, in some ways simple people. > I am confused. > Any insights would be appreciated.

 Hi Lili, By the way whoever posts last has their name all over the page. I see it like this…about the God thing… I mean it appears the only complicating factor to this nice experiance you wrote about is your apprehension about some religious belief you hold which you fear you can’t express to him. And your suspicion you will find someone else as good as him who "believes". I think yo’re trying to fit a round peg in a square hole. Religions are a finger which points us to our experiance of the divinity. To mistake the finger for God is to miss the point. So in my belief if you find t difficult to express your beliefs to him, perhaps you should note well the religious experiances he has with nature. They are clearly religious. Nature is his "finger" pointing to God. I would not cling so to my own understanding of scripture and accept the spirit where it is found. You are nearer God’s heart in a garden then anywhere else…I’ve heard that said. And the prayer of Saint francis where he sings to brother Sun and sister moon who he has forgotten due to  his preocupation with selfish misery. Perhaps he is more there to teach you then you are there to teach him? Damodara

Response:

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