Question:
a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z Dear friends at asd. A really awful day at tpy yesterday, when my m*ther’s voice began screaming at me and I couldn’t remember how to drive my car, and went back into my t’s office in a panic. There has been other evidence from many years back even before my dx, that she is in there somehow. How is this possible? My m*ther has been de*d for almost thirty years. How can she be one of me? How? My t did not know if this would be called an implanted alt*r. I am very scared of this whole thing. My t spent more time with us after finding us in the waiting room frozen and scared, and we were able to tell him about the screaming. We couldn’t promise him that we would not let her k*ll us on the way home, but he finally reluctantly let us go. Has anyone else an alt*r like this? Not one of themselves, but another ? It doesn’t seem possible to me. I want this to stop, but I don’t know how to make her go. Not without k*lling the rest of us. Jane
Response:
Spoilered response q w e r t y u i o p a s d f g h j k l ; Dear Jane: I can understand your reactions. I don’t have a "m*th*r alter, however, I don’t think you’re going to find it unusual. Remeber in Sybil that one of the Peggy alters spoke with the m*th*rs voice. Sorry to hear how terrifying this was for you. If you think a few moments you might concept why this would not be unusual. I was absoluely among other feelings re the m*th*r terrified of her. She was larger than life in my mind for many decades. In a child’s developing psyche you are going to "imprint" someone of this magnitude into yourself. I’m having a hard time finding words for what I’m intuiting in this situation. It’s almost as if in creating an alter like her you have taken her into yourself — sort of like swallowing her. I can see that as a way of diminishing her power and control. A very strong survival tactic I would say. Except now the alter is frightening you because it’s triggering all these feelings. My experience has been throughout th nothing ever manifests or occurs unless there is a healing purpose to it. You experienced and confronted a lot of feeling in this episode. I think you made a lot of progress in the journey of healing. Unfortunately, it was very painful and I can feel for you. It’s one reason why I feel that each and every one of us who have decided to take this journey are probably some of the most courageous people in existence. It takes a lot to know that it’s a road filled with the unexpected and it does hurt and at times feels so raw and mean. Keep writing you’ve been making good progress. Please follow-up and let us know how you are doing. Deborah and deBorah
Response:
Jane, Wow, I know how freaky that is. It happened to me often about three years ago. I would hear her, she would follow me around the house berating me, and in the car she was in me criticising things I had done years before. At that point I had not talked to her for years. I still haven’t spoken to her. I was getting so distressed, I didn’t have a T, ’cause I was suppossedly over my PTSD(just by reason of it being more than two years past a car accident they thought caused my problem.) When I finally got dx’d I was crying out of relief that I could get help to stop it. Suze
Response:
I have seen such things before. Sometimes people create a nice M*mmy alt*r that they wish their M*mmy would be like. Some create a duplicate alt*r of thir ab*sive parent. Probably many possible reasons for this. One of my ex-girlfriends had an alt*r of me. Kind of freaked me out when I heard that. One of her alt*rs asked me to come in there. I explained I could not. So she told me to hold her hand. When my girlfriend came out she said she saw her walking in to her house there with me holding her hand. After that she could hear my voice in there. Luckily I just said nice self esteem building things in there. I think she partially int*grated and when that happened the alt*r of me went away. Maybe talking to your m*ther alter could help. It seems to me that such alt*rs are usually not "exact" copies of the original. There is room for them to grow and learn better ways of acting since they feel more of what they do. Of cource that is a blind suggestion since I know nothing about what you are going through. Maybe the best thing could be to ignore her or confront her. Maybe locking her inside or getting a gatekeeper type alt*r to monitor her may help. Wish you well in this. Scott – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z Dear friends at asd. A really awful day at tpy yesterday, when my m*ther’s voice began screaming at me and I couldn’t remember how to drive my car, and went back into my t’s office in a panic. There has been other evidence from many years back even before my dx, that she is in there somehow. How is this possible? My m*ther has been de*d for almost thirty years. How can she be one of me? How? My t did not know if this would be called an implanted alt*r. I am very scared of this whole thing. My t spent more time with us after finding us in the waiting room frozen and scared, and we were able to tell him about the screaming. We couldn’t promise him that we would not let her k*ll us on the way home, but he finally reluctantly let us go. Has anyone else an alt*r like this? Not one of themselves, but another ? It doesn’t seem possible to me. I want this to stop, but I don’t know how to make her go. Not without k*lling the rest of us. Jane
– Scott McKinley Common sense is the collection of prejudices — Albert Einstein
Response:
Hey, Jane. I just sent a long message about this. Now I’m afraid it may sound either pigheaded or formulaic. Or drearily difficult. Dunno if this one will arrive at the same time, but I also wanted to say that it _is_ really scary. And confusing and disturbing and annoying. I’m sorry that you are having an experience like this. Hope you feel better. -Zaik — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
Dear Deborah and deBorah, Thank you so much for your kind reply. I had forgotten about the Syb*l stuff. It has been a long time since I read it. I am much like the Jane in The Magic Daughter. I just found copies of it very discounted, and gave one to my t who hadn’t read that one. We have been reading and discussing her t’py and the many things that are similar. I am going to print out your post to keep for future reading. I know how my memory works, or doesn’t. would it be okay to show it to my t as well? He is so great about learning more about DID, and respects (unlike my last t) that I want to learn. He is grateful that I have asd to find friends. He understands that it is the first place where I have ever felt a sense of belonging. I know that this angry voice can only be someone that I am. I think that your explanation is a good one. Thank you for your encouragement. I am still pretty shaky, but I know that I will keep on trying to figure this all out. Best, Jane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Spoilered response q w e r t y u i o p a s d f g h j k l ; Dear Jane: I can understand your reactions. I don’t have a "m*th*r alter, however, I don’t think you’re going to find it unusual. Remeber in Sybil that one of the Peggy alters spoke with the m*th*rs voice. Sorry to hear how terrifying this was for you. If you think a few moments you might concept why this would not be unusual. I was absoluely among other feelings re the m*th*r terrified of her. She was larger than life in my mind for many decades. In a child’s developing psyche you are going to "imprint" someone of this magnitude into yourself. I’m having a hard time finding words for what I’m intuiting in this situation. It’s almost as if in creating an alter like her you have taken her into yourself — sort of like swallowing her. I can see that as a way of diminishing her power and control. A very strong survival tactic I would say. Except now the alter is frightening you because it’s triggering all these feelings. My experience has been throughout th nothing ever manifests or occurs unless there is a healing purpose to it. You experienced and confronted a lot of feeling in this episode. I think you made a lot of progress in the journey of healing. Unfortunately, it was very painful and I can feel for you. It’s one reason why I feel that each and every one of us who have decided to take this journey are probably some of the most courageous people in existence. It takes a lot to know that it’s a road filled with the unexpected and it does hurt and at times feels so raw and mean. Keep writing you’ve been making good progress. Please follow-up and let us know how you are doing. Deborah and deBorah
Response:
Dear Suze, don’t you love the timelines that they decide on? I started out my journey after surgery and a couple of incidents at the hospital that blasted me back to being unable to function. My first t said that it would take 20 – count them – to solve me! After a year and a half, and knowing nothing good was happening there, I went back to this man who worked with me thirty years ago. He finally found enough evidence to dx me properly. And so we began. 
It is a frightening thing, the m*thervoice, when she is the largest part of my dissociative problems. That makes me feel awful, just saying that. I really wanted to have her l*ve me, and I never succeeded in that. Now she is screaming at me the same words that she used when I was a small child. I am glad to know that you have been successful in dealing with a similar problem. It makes me feel better that you wrote, and I thank you. Is it okay if I show your post to my t? He is very keen to learn everything he can to help me, and would value your contribution. Take care, and many thanks, Suze. Jane Jane, Wow, I know how freaky that is. It happened to me often about three years ago. I would hear her, she would follow me around the house berating me, and in the car she was in me criticising things I had done years before. At that point I had not talked to her for years. I still haven’t spoken to her. I was getting so distressed, I didn’t have a T, ’cause I was suppossedly over my PTSD(just by reason of it being more than two years past a car accident they thought caused my problem.) When I finally got dx’d I was crying out of relief that I could get help to stop it. Suze
Response:
Dear Scott, Thank you for your input. I maybe could create a nice m*mmy alt*r and they could battle it out? 
) I am starting to understand from the replies I have received how this can work, and it is not as scary now. Of course there are six more days until I have to go back to t’py! May I show my t your response? He is very interested in knowing everything he can to be able to help me. I think it would be valuable for him to know what you wrote. Thanks again for posting to me. She is leaving me alone today, so things are better. Jane In arti – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I have seen such things before. Sometimes people create a nice M*mmy alt*r that they wish their M*mmy would be like. Some create a duplicate alt*r of thir ab*sive parent. Probably many possible reasons for this. One of my ex-girlfriends had an alt*r of me. Kind of freaked me out when I heard that. One of her alt*rs asked me to come in there. I explained I could not. So she told me to hold her hand. When my girlfriend came out she said she saw her walking in to her house there with me holding her hand. After that she could hear my voice in there. Luckily I just said nice self esteem building things in there. I think she partially int*grated and when that happened the alt*r of me went away. Maybe talking to your m*ther alter could help. It seems to me that such alt*rs are usually not "exact" copies of the original. There is room for them to grow and learn better ways of acting since they feel more of what they do. Of cource that is a blind suggestion since I know nothing about what you are going through. Maybe the best thing could be to ignore her or confront her. Maybe locking her inside or getting a gatekeeper type alt*r to monitor her may help. Wish you well in this. Scott a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z Dear friends at asd. A really awful day at tpy yesterday, when my m*ther’s voice began screaming at me and I couldn’t remember how to drive my car, and went back into my t’s office in a panic. There has been other evidence from many years back even before my dx, that she is in there somehow. How is this possible? My m*ther has been de*d for almost thirty years. How can she be one of me? How? My t did not know if this would be called an implanted alt*r. I am very scared of this whole thing. My t spent more time with us after finding us in the waiting room frozen and scared, and we were able to tell him about the screaming. We couldn’t promise him that we would not let her k*ll us on the way home, but he finally reluctantly let us go. Has anyone else an alt*r like this? Not one of themselves, but another ? It doesn’t seem possible to me. I want this to stop, but I don’t know how to make her go. Not without k*lling the rest of us. Jane — Scott McKinley Common sense is the collection of prejudices — Albert Einstein
Response:
To whoever is out there..i am new at this..just now found this site.. my name is rhonda and i am multiple too..i’m lookinf for a group of ladies that have went throught it to talk to for support..this is hard to handle alone..i’m not sure is anyone will get this but is you do then please email thank you -**** Posted from RemarQ, http://www.remarq.com/?a ****- Search and Read Usenet Discussions in your Browser – FREE –
Response:
a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z Dear friends at asd. A
hi (just peeking in, folks) let’s put back the spoiler space dejanews ate really awful day at tpy yesterday, when my m*ther’s voice began screaming at me and I couldn’t remember how to drive my car, and went back into my t’s office in a panic. There has been other evidence from many years back even before my dx, that she is in there somehow. How is this possible? My m*ther has been de*d for almost thirty years. How can she be one of me? How? My t did not know if this would be called an implanted alt*r. I am very scared of this whole thing. My t spent more time with us after finding us in the waiting room frozen and scared, and we were able to tell him about the screaming. We couldn’t promise him that we would not let her k*ll us on the way home, but he finally reluctantly let us go. Has anyone else an alt*r like this? Not one of themselves, but another ? It doesn’t seem possible to me. I want this to stop, but I don’t know how to make her go. Not without k*lling the rest of us. Jane
he might be referring to what is called an introject. an introject is kind of like an image of the abuser that a kid swallows whole. it isn’t an alter, or really a part of the system, but more like a splinter in your finger, if it is an introject. of course, there also exist alters who are modelled on perps. I think prolly it isn’t easy telling whether it is an introject or whether it is an alter modelled on your mom. I’m not exactly sure how that’s done. maybe your tpist can read up on introjects or get some supervision or consultation with a t who knows. just another possibility. sorry for adding ambiguity into the pot, but it would prolly be a good thing for you to be able to figure out, since you can’t make "friends" with introjects, but that *is* possible with alters. astri
Response:
Jane, Glad to hear that things are better. You are welcome to show anything you want. From what I have heard, creating new alt*rs to solve a problem is usually counter productive. However, almost every rule has an exception so you may have to be the judge of that. I believe that highly developed systems have alt*rs that do serve other functions than just holding memories. Some positions are protectors (have to be careful they are not overprotective or how they do protect), gatekeepers (monitor who can come in and out), leads (direct healing process) and many others. Your m*mmy alt*r may even be a protector of sorts. For example, an alt*r may figure out that loving someone usually gets you hurt. So they try to keep people from loving the system. That is how they protect, but it rules out a lot of the richness of life. Your m*mmy alt*r may try to keep you down since if you get your hopes up, then you can get hurt. The main way I have seen to help these protectors is to show them that there is another way and let them decide if they want to chance it. As far as battling goes, it is usually better to reach a compromise than to battle. Pure battling tends to give headaches and make everyone tired. K*lling an alt*r seems to make the two alt*rs m*rge. (At least from what I have seen. Not enough information to say this is a rule or not.) Some alt*rs just need to resolve an issue. Maybe if you can find out what that issue is, you can resolve it. Those alt*rs tend to go into a sleep, go into a different area in the inner space, or disappear. Sometimes if you get "close" to an alt*r you may gain an intuitative leap into what they are about. One hair raisin event long ago with my ex-girlfriend was pretty scary. She had an alt*r named Gannon who wanted to either k*ll me, k*ll her, or better yet k*ll me and frame my ex-girlfriend for it. When Gannon realized it could not kill me easily, it told me that when I left that night, it would k*ll my ex-girlfriend. I told my ex-gf that either we had to resolve this, take her to a friend/parent that could keep her under surveillance, or commit her. Gannon took an alt*r hostage that was scouting out what Gannon was doing. So my ex-gf decided to learn face Gannon. She tried to create and found out she could. She created a bag and tried to put Gannon in it, but it slipped out. She then tried a box, and it broke out. She got frustrated, but I was hopeful since Gannon had to react to my ex-gf creations. She suddenly went in real deep. 10 minutes later she comes out and tells me what happened. She said she got an intuitative leap into wht Gannon was about. Gannon was a protector that tried to stop all males from being around her. (He was also a persucator that t*rtured the other alt*rs.) So my ex-gf created a platform with Gannon on one side and her on the other. She created all the guys in her life behind her. She told Gannon that men would always be in her life and it could not stop them. Gannon lowered its head and she hugged it. Gannon went to "back", a heavan like place. Not sure if that story will help, but I guess it shows that there are many possibilities in how you can deal with alt*rs that are destructive. I think if I were confronted with that again, I would work to understand the alt*r first before I judged them as "bad." I made that mistake with my current gf’s alt*rs. Now the ones I thought were "bad" are some of the nicest people I have met. (I am still getting to know one of them now.) One thing I have noticed that may help is to ask your m*mmy alt*r if she wants to post here. Sometimes getting other people’s opinion that have gone through similar circumstances may help out. Remember I am not a therapist so use your best judgement in this. Scott – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Dear Scott, Thank you for your input. I maybe could create a nice m*mmy alt*r and they could battle it out? ) I am starting to understand from the replies I have received how this can work, and it is not as scary now. Of course there are six more days until I have to go back to t’py! May I show my t your response? He is very interested in knowing everything he can to be able to help me. I think it would be valuable for him to know what you wrote. Thanks again for posting to me. She is leaving me alone today, so things are better. Jane In arti I have seen such things before. Sometimes people create a nice M*mmy alt*r that they wish their M*mmy would be like. Some create a duplicate alt*r of thir ab*sive parent. Probably many possible reasons for this. One of my ex-girlfriends had an alt*r of me. Kind of freaked me out when I heard that. One of her alt*rs asked me to come in there. I explained I could not. So she told me to hold her hand. When my girlfriend came out she said she saw her walking in to her house there with me holding her hand. After that she could hear my voice in there. Luckily I just said nice self esteem building things in there. I think she partially int*grated and when that happened the alt*r of me went away. Maybe talking to your m*ther alter could help. It seems to me that such alt*rs are usually not "exact" copies of the original. There is room for them to grow and learn better ways of acting since they feel more of what they do. Of cource that is a blind suggestion since I know nothing about what you are going through. Maybe the best thing could be to ignore her or confront her. Maybe locking her inside or getting a gatekeeper type alt*r to monitor her may help. Wish you well in this. Scott a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z Dear friends at asd. A really awful day at tpy yesterday, when my m*ther’s voice began screaming at me and I couldn’t remember how to drive my car, and went back into my t’s office in a panic. There has been other evidence from many years back even before my dx, that she is in there somehow. How is this possible? My m*ther has been de*d for almost thirty years. How can she be one of me? How? My t did not know if this would be called an implanted alt*r. I am very scared of this whole thing. My t spent more time with us after finding us in the waiting room frozen and scared, and we were able to tell him about the screaming. We couldn’t promise him that we would not let her k*ll us on the way home, but he finally reluctantly let us go. Has anyone else an alt*r like this? Not one of themselves, but another ? It doesn’t seem possible to me. I want this to stop, but I don’t know how to make her go. Not without k*lling the rest of us. Jane — Scott McKinley Common sense is the collection of prejudices — Albert Einstein
– Scott McKinley Common sense is the collection of prejudices — Albert Einstein
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Spoiled for reasons stated above. I’m not much of a splatter, either. beep beep beep beep beep bop Actually, this is really kind of freaky. Second spoiler for mention of certain impulsive activity and feelings of no control. bop beep bop beep boop blip bonk bork bip beep spoiler: I go into some detail about a very nasty character. Do not read unless you’re fairly sure your own nasty characters don’t like to swap notes. oink baaa bark ribbit quack Hi, Jane. This may or may not be anything like your experience, but I have a little bugger of a guy in my head who wants to do away with me. I don’t know _what_ it is, and I don’t know where it came from (there is a link between him and specific people in my life, but I’m not getting into it). I couldn’t begin to describe why he is different from me, why he isn’t just some part of the rest of me. He just is. Almost by definition. I’ve long struggled with whether it’s stupid to consider him an outsider. He says it’s stupid, but then he says that everything I do is stupid. He also says that there’s no resisting him, that I _want_ him there, that he stays only because I am morally weak and secretely like having him around. And so on. Blah blah blah. I’ve given it some thought, though. I don’t _want_ him to be a part of me. He’s generally mean and nasty in some very mean and nasty ways. To myself and others. It’s not good, it won’t get my term paper written, and it’s not who I want to be. The cool thing for me (my strong warning here is that thinking about it like this may not work for anyone else) is this very separation. He is _not_ me. Therefore he can not get me, not without me knowing about it. Yea, he can bug me like anything, drive me stark raving loony and distract me and scare me but he can _not_ just jump on in without my permission.
Hi, Zaik, and thank you for replying to my plea for help. I, too, have some baddies who want to get rid of me. This latest, the mothervoice is a new one and really startled me, although my t says that we have had evidence before that she was there. I guess it was different actually hearing her yelling at me. The other ones keep up a commentary at times, and tell me to do awful things. My poor t was not sure if he should trust me to drive home last night with her screaming at me. I like your stand against yours. I think that I will have to be firm and take a stand too. Scared me silly though. She was terrifying one of my small ones, and it was just like it used to be. Awful. Perhaps your suggestion will help. Hope so. Jane — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
Hi, Rhonda, pleased to meet you. I am still very new to my diagnosis and learning lots from the people here. Hope to see you asking lots of questions and helping. It is hard to handle this alone. You don’t have to. Join us. Jane To whoever is out there..i am new at this..just now found this site.. my name is rhonda and i am multiple too..i’m lookinf for a group of ladies that have went throught it to talk to for support..this is hard to handle alone..i’m not sure is anyone will get this but is you do then please email thank you -**** Posted from RemarQ, http://www.remarq.com/?a ****- Search and Read Usenet Discussions in your Browser – FREE –
Response:
Jane: Glad to hear that you are handling the episode (sorry about episode – use or lack of a better definition) calmly. Of course, go ahead and show your th. Sounds like a good match between you and your th. Should be very productive for you. I know you are really working at your th just by the issues you are posting. Deborah
Response:
Hi, Jan, thanks for your positive look at this. I am grateful to have all the people here with more experience in these matters. I wrote to my t the night of the episode asking how it could be that that voice is another alt*r, when it is not me. I think that i understand better now what happened, and I am feeling better. Of course, I don’t have t’py for five more days. We’ll see what happens then. I, too, did not have my m*ther’s approval, and I am learning that it was not my fault. Or so my t says. It is very difficult to undo all those years of "training" isn’t it? I am not only my own person, but my own people! All of me together. I think what brought on the voice was a whole session that we had just spent discussing her. One of me who feels very uneasy about being there managed to stay the whole time, and that was too much, I think. My t was very understanding that we were fre*ked out, and talked to us for another half hour. I really appreciate your reply. It was good to see your < by the thread. Big hugs. How are you doing? Jane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi Jane, HUGS for you. I am sorry you’re going through a difficult time. Just read the other posts in response to yours and I agree with what they had to say. I’ve had experiences of hearing my m*ther’s voice berating me and reliving times when this occurred in the past. It may just be that you are experiencing something similar. Perhaps identifying this experience as an alt*r may not be the best course to take. I agree it can seem and feel very real. For myself, one of the hardest things to do is to ignore the negative words that we are bombarded with during childhood and early adulthood, especially when it is relived and seems very real. Please r*m*mber Jane that you are a person in your own right. You aren’t her. She’s not you either. I never lived up to my m*ther’s expectations for me, but that’s fine, cause I’m a separate person with my own life to live. She was only repeating what she herself experienced. I’m breaking the pattern by not buying into it. Take care, Jan
Response:
Has anyone else an alt*r like this? Not one of themselves, but another ? It doesn’t seem possible to me. I want this to stop, but I don’t know how to make her go. Not without k*lling the rest of us. Jane oh Jane… how scary… i am so sorry this is happening wampus
Response:
Hello astri, thanks for your kind post. I even understand what you mean! Wow! I am learning! I will pass on your advice to my t, who is always looking for new info and ways to help me. I understand the difference between an introject and an alt*r, and how it would make a big difference in how we look at the voice. Many thanks! Jane In article <Pine.BSI.3.96.990415191932.3759C- – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z Dear friends at asd. A hi (just peeking in, folks) let’s put back the spoiler space dejanews ate really awful day at tpy yesterday, when my m*ther’s voice began screaming at me and I couldn’t remember how to drive my car, and went back into my t’s office in a panic. There has been other evidence from many years back even before my dx, that she is in there somehow. How is this possible? My m*ther has been de*d for almost thirty years. How can she be one of me? How? My t did not know if this would be called an implanted alt*r. I am very scared of this whole thing. My t spent more time with us after finding us in the waiting room frozen and scared, and we were able to tell him about the screaming. We couldn’t promise him that we would not let her k*ll us on the way home, but he finally reluctantly let us go. Has anyone else an alt*r like this? Not one of themselves, but another ? It doesn’t seem possible to me. I want this to stop, but I don’t know how to make her go. Not without k*lling the rest of us. Jane he might be referring to what is called an introject. an introject is kind of like an image of the abuser that a kid swallows whole. it isn’t an alter, or really a part of the system, but more like a splinter in your finger, if it is an introject. of course, there also exist alters who are modelled on perps. I think prolly it isn’t easy telling whether it is an introject or whether it is an alter modelled on your mom. I’m not exactly sure how that’s done. maybe your tpist can read up on introjects or get some supervision or consultation with a t who knows. just another possibility. sorry for adding ambiguity into the pot, but it would prolly be a good thing for you to be able to figure out, since you can’t make "friends" with introjects, but that *is* possible with alters. astri
Response:
Dear Jane, I’mm another one who has someone similar,although mine prefers em*ti*n*l ab*se rather than phys*c*l. One time I went to a grp thy sessn (it ran for several wks) with other w*m*n who had a variety of issues (none with DID) and in that session one time the T (albeit unknowingly) asked me what my m*m looked like when angry (we’d been talking about m*thrs) – she proceeded to fold her arms and scowl. It terrified me. I couldn’t talk to her the rest of the sessions and was angry with the T. It was only much, much later that I realized my m*thr was also a perp, who probably has MPD; her left-handed mean self was the one who hurt me. My right-handed m*m was verbally critical but not as critical as the left-handed one who hurt me in other ways too. Anyway, prior to the T’s doing the arm-folding bit, I had begun to realize there was a critic in me who’s called Martha. Martha is a model of my m*thr – she looms over me in much the same ways and is highly, highly critical. It’s only by talking with her (in Thy) that I’ve begun to be less fearf*l of her; in fact, we finally got to the point of seeing that she could be helpful to me, letting me know if there was a behavior needing changing (kind of like a conscience). If we don’t keep talking, she goes back to her critical frightening self. Right now she’s yammering away because she doesn’t want me telling anybody all this, plus what I want to write later. So it’s going to take a while over the next few days to get her to realize she can’t scare me forever. In the meantime I won’t be sleeping much (if past experience is any indicator). I write to some of the other parts of me, and they write back, but I’m too fearf*l of what Martha would say if I let her write. Anyway, to make a long story short, only by talking with her did I learn of her purpose and that she’s only acting in this one way because that’s all she knows. We’ve had to teach her there are other ways to protect me. And I’ve had to (and am still learning to) learn to talk back to her when she’s being so mean (talk with her, I mean; I don’t mean sass her). But I don’t like Martha. She’s too much like my m*thr and I don’t like my m*thr. I hope this is of some kind of help, in whatever convoluted fashion. Laura&8
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Well, Deb, not so calmly sometimes! I have received good support from people here and that has helped so much. By the time I had finished reading the posts, I was beginning to understand what had happened, and could begin to face it with more strength. Astri sent me another good idea tonight, and all in all, it is not scaring me so much now that I have the understanding. My t is very supportive and available by e-mail, which also helps when I am in p*nic mode. It was certainly a different experience! Thanks again, so much, Jane Jane: Glad to hear that you are handling the episode (sorry about episode – use or lack of a better definition) calmly. Of course, go ahead and show your th. Sounds like a good match between you and your th. Should be very productive for you. I know you are really working at your th just by the issues you are posting. Deborah
Response:
Jane, I don’t know if this is the same thing or not, but I have had very vivid recall of my mother’s voice and it feels like she is right there and that I have gone back in time and I am not in the present. It feels like she is right there in the room and I am young again and I can’t remember anything in the present. I will be reliving the past so strongly I guess I am having a strong fl*shback. I will become terrified when this happens. You did the right thing by going back to your T’s office to reground yourself. Jane, your memories are really coming to the surface right now. Be gentle with yourself and try to do things that comfort you right now. Please take care, andregide – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z Dear friends at asd. A really awful day at tpy yesterday, when my m*ther’s voice began screaming at me and I couldn’t remember how to drive my car, and went back into my t’s office in a panic. There has been other evidence from many years back even before my dx, that she is in there somehow. How is this possible? My m*ther has been de*d for almost thirty years. How can she be one of me? How? My t did not know if this would be called an implanted alt*r. I am very scared of this whole thing. My t spent more time with us after finding us in the waiting room frozen and scared, and we were able to tell him about the screaming. We couldn’t promise him that we would not let her k*ll us on the way home, but he finally reluctantly let us go. Has anyone else an alt*r like this? Not one of themselves, but another ? It doesn’t seem possible to me. I want this to stop, but I don’t know how to make her go. Not without k*lling the rest of us. Jane
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Dear Lauraplus8, How scary for you! I think that it was the whole session which we spent talking about m*thers and mine that brought about the voice incident. I have had a couple of times, as my t reminded me, that we knew there was some kind of m*ther influence in me. This one is a real em*tion*l abuser, too. That is the way she was long ago. She was screaming at one of the little ones to look at her and not to walk away from her.My t has one more reason in his list of why I don’t make eye contact, I think! The day it happened, all I could think about was how to get her out of there somehow, and realizing only one way. With all the help everyone here has given me, it feels less frightening, and I am more in control again. I know that I will have to hear her again, but I hope that I will be able to learn like you are doing how to stand up to her instead of being the small one and terrified. My t did point out to me that i am older than she lived to be. Something to consider. Thanks, Laura+8, Jane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Dear Jane, I’mm another one who has someone similar,although mine prefers em*ti*n*l ab*se rather than phys*c*l. One time I went to a grp thy sessn (it ran for several wks) with other w*m*n who had a variety of issues (none with DID) and in that session one time the T (albeit unknowingly) asked me what my m*m looked like when angry (we’d been talking about m*thrs) – she proceeded to fold her arms and scowl. It terrified me. I couldn’t talk to her the rest of the sessions and was angry with the T. It was only much, much later that I realized my m*thr was also a perp, who probably has MPD; her left-handed mean self was the one who hurt me. My right-handed m*m was verbally critical but not as critical as the left-handed one who hurt me in other ways too. Anyway, prior to the T’s doing the arm-folding bit, I had begun to realize there was a critic in me who’s called Martha. Martha is a model of my m*thr – she looms over me in much the same ways and is highly, highly critical. It’s only by talking with her (in Thy) that I’ve begun to be less fearf*l of her; in fact, we finally got to the point of seeing that she could be helpful to me, letting me know if there was a behavior needing changing (kind of like a conscience). If we don’t keep talking, she goes back to her critical frightening self. Right now she’s yammering away because she doesn’t want me telling anybody all this, plus what I want to write later. So it’s going to take a while over the next few days to get her to realize she can’t scare me forever. In the meantime I won’t be sleeping much (if past experience is any indicator). I write to some of the other parts of me, and they write back, but I’m too fearf*l of what Martha would say if I let her write. Anyway, to make a long story short, only by talking with her did I learn of her purpose and that she’s only acting in this one way because that’s all she knows. We’ve had to teach her there are other ways to protect me. And I’ve had to (and am still learning to) learn to talk back to her when she’s being so mean (talk with her, I mean; I don’t mean sass her). But I don’t like Martha. She’s too much like my m*thr and I don’t like my m*thr. I hope this is of some kind of help, in whatever convoluted fashion. Laura&8
Response:
Thank you Wampus for your support. Things are some better now, and the ideas that the group here has come forth with have helped me understand better what is happening, so it is not as scary. That is, until my t decides to push it again! We will survive this, too. Thanks again, Jane Has anyone else an alt*r like this? Not one of themselves, but another ? It doesn’t seem possible to me. I want this to stop, but I don’t know how to make her go. Not without k*lling the rest of us. Jane oh Jane… how scary… i am so sorry this is happening wampus
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Dear Preshus1; I’m sorry but I don’t understnad what the x-no-archive: yes is so I guess I’m not doing as you asked. But welcome; I recently started posting and I know exactly waht you mean about it feeling good to know I’m not the only person with these kinds of experiences. Laura&8
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Spoiled for reasons stated above. I’m not much of a splatter, either. beep beep beep beep beep bop Actually, this is really kind of freaky. Second spoiler for mention of certain impulsive activity and feelings of no control. bop beep bop beep boop blip bonk bork bip beep spoiler: I go into some detail about a very nasty character. Do not read unless you’re fairly sure your own nasty characters don’t like to swap notes. oink baaa bark ribbit quack Hi, Jane. This may or may not be anything like your experience, but I have a little bugger of a guy in my head who wants to do away with me. I don’t know _what_ it is, and I don’t know where it came from (there is a link between him and specific people in my life, but I’m not getting into it). I couldn’t begin to describe why he is different from me, why he isn’t just some part of the rest of me. He just is. Almost by definition. I’ve long struggled with whether it’s stupid to consider him an outsider. He says it’s stupid, but then he says that everything I do is stupid. He also says that there’s no resisting him, that I _want_ him there, that he stays only because I am morally weak and secretely like having him around. And so on. Blah blah blah. I’ve given it some thought, though. I don’t _want_ him to be a part of me. He’s generally mean and nasty in some very mean and nasty ways. To myself and others. It’s not good, it won’t get my term paper written, and it’s not who I want to be. The cool thing for me (my strong warning here is that thinking about it like this may not work for anyone else) is this very separation. He is _not_ me. Therefore he can not get me, not without me knowing about it. Yea, he can bug me like anything, drive me stark raving loony and distract me and scare me but he can _not_ just jump on in without my permission. — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
Dear andregide, Exactly. Like a horrific flashback. I must tell my t this idea. It was so real that i couldn’t move or drive. Couldn’t remember how! My t says that I made the right choice in going back into the office, although I have been worrying ever since that he was angry about it. Another of my big things to conquer. 
It would also explain how I "saw" her thirty years ago in his other office, and took off crashing into the doorjamb and having to have stitches in my head. I know he worries about that happening again. Now we are farther from the emerg. and would have to drive there.:) I am really afraid to go back on Wednesday. I have told him that today when I e-mailed him as usual. I am afraid because I don’t know what will happen next. Jane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Jane, I don’t know if this is the same thing or not, but I have had very vivid recall of my mother’s voice and it feels like she is right there and that I have gone back in time and I am not in the present. It feels like she is right there in the room and I am young again and I can’t remember anything in the present. I will be reliving the past so strongly I guess I am having a strong fl*shback. I will become terrified when this happens. You did the right thing by going back to your T’s office to reground yourself. Jane, your memories are really coming to the surface right now. Be gentle with yourself and try to do things that comfort you right now. Please take care, andregide a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z Dear friends at asd. A really awful day at tpy yesterday, when my m*ther’s voice began screaming at me and I couldn’t remember how to drive my car, and went back into my t’s office in a panic. There has been other evidence from many years back even before my dx, that she is in there somehow. How is this possible? My m*ther has been de*d for almost thirty years. How can she be one of me? How? My t did not know if this would be called an implanted alt*r. I am very scared of this whole thing. My t spent more time with us after finding us in the waiting room frozen and scared, and we were able to tell him about the screaming. We couldn’t promise him that we would not let her k*ll us on the way home, but he finally reluctantly let us go. Has anyone else an alt*r like this? Not one of themselves, but another ? It doesn’t seem possible to me. I want this to stop, but I don’t know how to make her go. Not without k*lling the rest of us. Jane
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