Question:
Hiya Shell I just worry that my "restlessness" isn’t really that at all, that it is me trying to burn calories and exercise etc. gosh i was so errand busy. i woudl run around constantly and also walk daily. i was obsessed with not being lazy.
Are you sure you haven’t sneaked inside my head and read my thoughts??? This is me to a T. i went to carolina, stop purging, ate more, laid on the couch all day, slept about twelve hours each day, and lost weight. it hit me, gosh, i can relax! i learned to relax up there. to watch tv, to read, all nonos in my eyes.
I need to learn these things. I try to remind myself of how much I was eating, and how little activity I was doing on the ward and yet on 2500 cals a day I wasn’t gaining. for two reasons, one i was too anxious prior to do these things cause i couldnt sit still long enough, i couldnt face myself. and also cause to me that would be being lazy, not burning calories.
I feel like sitting about is wrong. It’s being lazy. It’s vegetating. And I equate that with not burning cals and gaining weight. That’s why I find it so hard to do. The easiest time for me to sit still, is just before a meal. I can’t sit still after a meal – I need to be active to distract myself from dwelling on what I have eaten and also to feel that I am "using" the food I have just eaten. It’s all psychological I know. I’m trying to make myself sit down and relax more but it’s just so hard. I almost go insane on the train journey to Leicester! its two fold for me.
And for me. Being busy fills that hole in my life. Makes me feel useful. BEth
Response:
’same reason nights are hardest for me too. oh paxil, not for ocd but for anxiety
Actually, Paxil is an antidepressant. BUT, it is FDA approved for anxiety use, and some people with OCD find it helpful as well. It is chemically similar for Luvox, a medication that was originally approved for OCD, but now is being used for depression as well. For anxiety, Buspar is a good medication. It is non sedating (for most people), and non addicting. It can take a few weeks to work though, but it does help. Nikki "… lost in the darkness of my own circumstance, criticizing echoes leaving me awake in the night… the barrier and blockades that keep me safe and in control while I pretend that I am okay… "
Response:
I just worry that my "restlessness" isn’t really that at all, that it is me trying to burn calories and exercise etc.
hi beth it doesnt have to be either or. it coudl be both really. i know for me , and for dina it is both. prior to being in north carolina, gosh i was so errand busy. i woudl run around constantly and also walk daily. i was obsessed with not being lazy. i went to carolina, stop purging, ate more, laid on teh couch all day, slet about twelve hours each day, and lost weight. it hit me, gosh, i can relax! i learned to relax up there. to watch tv, to read, all nonos in my eyes. for two reasons, one i was too anxious prior to do these things casue i couldnt sit still long enough, i couldnt face myself. and also cause to me that would be being lazy, not burnign calories. its two fold for me. i think i have gotten over the burnign calories end of things. sometmies i still have to watch if i am restless and not wanting to stay in one place, i have to examine, hey shell, what are you running from? case in point. my friend dina. similar issues. she struggles with anorexia and ptsd. they just moved to a new house. she has been cleaning constantly, which isnt much like her. and not sleeping much. i believe one, she is trying to burn calories, for she is strugglign with body issues. adn two, avoiding her underlhing fears and issues, for instance she skpped therapy thsi week, pretty strong statement of running from thyself hugs shell
Response:
hi logic is why are you running from yourself ? what feelings are you running away from ?
recently i have started working on abuse issues and trauma work. after fourteen years of therapy if you can imagine. i literally have from puking, exercise, starving, obsessing about food and weight, cleaning, too much computer use, etc, left no time for real thoughts in my mind. i finally learned what letting go was and surrenderered and learning how to sit stil with myself and really really see waht is bothering me. its amazing. the feelings i never realized i had before. sometimes stubbornly taking control of one’s body and psyche is a losing battle. no one owns their own body not even you do, so you can’t control your own body.
amen. its very freaky. i never realized this but my b/p not only numbed my mind but my body as well. its very strange. not only do i feel more raw with emotions when i stop runing around and b/p but also can feel my body. i have learned no, my body does do things that i cant control. its a scary feeling, but i am tryign to just accept it. i have stopped worrying about my weight like before though, now that i am working on the real issues. and its funny cause my therapist had me write down all the rules i have made myself follow since i started the ed and then counter them . and one of them was somethign along the lines of my stomach not being able to stick out etc. and my therapist told me to simply write, i dont need to worry anymore. so simple, and yet so true. it stuck with me. i dont need to worry. its not the real issue. worrying about it is distracting from teh real feelings. i know now why i get so freaked out about it, and i know i must accept it. and deal with it. therefore trying to control my body, well , i dont need to worry about that anymore maybe we are constantly running away from our selves because we are constantly feeling the fear that we really can’t control our own bodies. we fear the control that our body takes on us, then we fear our own selves too in the process.
exactly. yes. i run from my thoughts, emotions, memories, feelings, and also from my body. unfortunatelyh sometimes i get body memories, which creep me out and make me feel naseus. if i b/p, the feeling goes awway. instantly. i disconnect from my body. now that i know this, i am trying to find other ways to deal with accepting this without b/p and get through it, instead of numbing we fear the emptiness, the feeling of aloneness, the feeling of being alone in our fight against our bodies –
i knwo the night i was admitted to the er a few weeks ago i was scard to death of being alone that night. nightiime was coming , and i was panicked to the hilt. however i am learnign i dont have to do this battle alone anymore and slept out at a friends house. but yes, i live alone and the feelings are more prominent at night when i am alone, but i am learning, i am not alone . i found an interesting article yesterday on borderline. which i have been diagnosed as, regrettedly, but i dont let the label shame me, i knwo why i am the way i am , and its not something i am learinng that is incurable . but the article was speaking about how people with bpd have a problem wtih being alone,a nd how like a small child they dont get object permanence. for instance, calling a therapist to just hear their voice, to make sure they are still there for them, if they are not present materially , worrying, someone has abandoned them. i do this. not anymore, but used to. i am learing that just because people are not physically present i nthe room, doesnt mean they are not there for me. does that make sense? like most people can draw up images of peopel who love them to comfort them when alone. i had never through about it, but that skill somehow never made it to my brain. somethign i need to work on thanks logic shell
Response:
Hey Logic great insight shell! may i add..the question perhaps.. is why are you running from yourself ? what feelings are you running away from ?
For me, the feelings that I am running from, are those of emptiness and sadness. When I slow down in the evening, or whenever, and I have chance to think, I become poignantly aware of how empty my life is, how it lacks purpose, and that’s what makes me so sad. If I am busy, doing errands and such, I feel useful. I just worry that my "restlessness" isn’t really that at all, that it is me trying to burn calories and exercise etc. Beth
Response:
hey beth ’same reason nights are hardest for me too. oh paxil, not for ocd but for anxiety
Response:
i’m the same way beth. i get much worst when i start refeeding (like now for example). i’m a body always in motion. can be annoying at times when i’m trying to read and the book is bobbing up and down with my leg. hang in there. take care.
Response:
Hang in there Beth, you are so not alone! :hugs: all my love, Stephie
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Anybody else? I feel like the most manic person on earth. I just have to be busy all the time. Find it incredibly difficult to sit and do nothing, or actually, just to sit and do anything. Have to make myself sit down sometimes. Always up and on the go. COnstantly fidgety. Please tell me it’s not just me! Beth
Response:
If I could be like this it would make being on the treatment regime *so* much easier!!
Part of your restlessness, too, may be due to increased metabolism and higher energy levels with the refeeding… that always happened to me in hospital, too. On the inpatient units, though, we weren’t able to exercise or even to move around too much in order to conserve the weight we were gradually increasing. It was very frustrating! –Connie — "Starving the flesh wastes the spirit." –Kandis Elliot
Response:
Hey Shell anxiety is common with eds. and ocd. i take celexa which combats ocd but not really anxiety .
I take anti-deps but they aren’t really for ocd. Just plain depression pills. I was on paxil a long while ago – I think that is for ocd. I take lofepramine (gamanil) now. i know when i am running around a lot, cleaning, doing errands, cant sit still, its cause i am running from myself. running from my feelings
You’ve got in one. That’s why I do it too. And that’s why evenings can be such a bad time for me – I run low on energy and am forced to slow down and think about things I don’t want to. That’s why I often SI in the evenings or take too many sleepers. Beth
Response:
beth anxiety is commoon with eds. and ocd. i take celexa which combats ocd but not really anxiety . i know when i am running around a lot, cleaning,doing errands, cant sit still, its cause i am running from myself. runnign from my feelings shell
Response:
HEy Becca I was just wondering how you were doing 
Not too great to tell the truth. Still using "negative coping mechanisms" to deal with my feelings. 
Now i’m at the opposite extreme. I don’t do anything. I just sit on my derriere all day. No energy, don’t really care about anything…..oh well.
If I could be like this it would make being on the treatment regime *so* much easier!! Beth
Response:
Hey Beth, I was just wondering how you were doing No, you aren’t the only one who is constantly restless. I have been in this state lots of times. It isn’t too pleasant because I would like to be able to just sit with myself, read a book, relax….but I’ll be too darn antsy and figety. For me, this passes. Now i’m at the opposite extreme. I don’t do anything. I just sit on my derriere all day. No energy, don’t really care about anything…..oh well. take care love becca – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Anybody else? I feel like the most manic person on earth. I just have to be busy all the time. Find it incredibly difficult to sit and do nothing, or actually, just to sit and do anything. Have to make myself sit down sometimes. Always up and on the go. COnstantly fidgety. Please tell me it’s not just me! Beth
Response:
Anybody else? I feel like the most manic person on earth. I just have to be busy all the time. Find it incredibly difficult to sit and do nothing, or actually, just to sit and do anything. Have to make myself sit down sometimes. Always up and on the go. COnstantly fidgety. Please tell me it’s not just me! Beth
Response:
I can’t sit still after a meal – I need to be active to distract myself from dwelling on what I have eaten and also to feel that I am "using" the food I have just eaten. It’s all psychological I know.
This sounds so very familiar! Yep, in inpatient treatment, I went through the very same thing… it’s hard! Even now, on my own, at home, free to eat as much or as little as I please, I still tend to be very active after a meal, I just don’t like sitting around! –Connie — "Starving the flesh wastes the spirit." –Kandis Elliot
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