Question:
Thanks "justme" for this information. I definitely have the pursuit..withdrawal syndrome. Maybe I should read these… E "Divorce Busting" and "We can Work it out"
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – These two books taught us how different "martians" and "venusians" will speak and the differences in our approach to solving problems. (yes, it is sort of a continuation of "men are from mars, etc book) It talks about the persuit/withdrawal behoviour that is such a bad thing to do. Please explain that last part, Justme. I think I understand but I’m not sure…. Joy Hi Joy! This is complicated: I"ll try <g When a husband/boyfriend is having a problem, the woman’s first instinct is to engage him in talk (because she cares). So she will go to him if she sees that he is "down" and will try to bring him out to tak about things. This is teh way that women deal with probems, men on the other hand deal with problems internally, on thier own first. Then they may come to the women after mulling things over for a bit of time(a day or two usually) What the woman needs to know is that she shouldn’t push for the conversation when the man in not ready to cough up whatevers bothering him. She shouldn’t "persue" him. The man on the other hand HAS to let his S.O KNOW that he appreciates her and that he needs to think awhile and that his withdrawal has nothing to do with his lvoe for her (this is a two way street y’know) She has to atke him at his word, and back off. One thing to do is to "set a time when you can resume the conversatoin" this works well in arguments ( a "time out".) On the other hand, whne a woman has a problem, a man’s first instinct os to "FIX" it. get involved and FIX things (it’s in our genes, we’re martians remember?<g. But that’s not what a guy should do. he sould hold back, listen to her and resist teh urge to "tell her what to do" or even express anger at (whatever is causing the problem). It’s HER problem, she really knows what to do and expressing anger (whichis normally the only emotion men are allowed to have) or telling her what to do is invalidating her feelings. Invalidation is a terrible thing to do to your mate. That is why a man should LISTEN to her, offer a "yes, i understand" or ask a question like "did the boss actually fart during your presentation?" while she is telling you her problem. A woman just needs to TALK it out as a wy of getting it off her chest. And remmeber, in an argument, the two words that CANNOT be used is NEVER and ALWAYS Joy? that is a REAL short SHORT summary of what the book is trying to do. And remmeber, one book is more for a woman to read and the other book is more towards the male audience (it repeats things more and makes more examples so the point gets accross, I wonder why men need that?<g)
One book that helped me & my hubby a lot was Everything About Men That Women Need to Know, or something like that by Barbara DeAngelis. It is written for women to understand men, but there is also a lot in there about the differences between men & women. We read it together and got a lot of insight into each other. I keep saying I’m going to send it to all my friends. :P Ziphiidae — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
These two books taught us how different "martians" and "venusians" will speak and the differences in our approach to solving problems. (yes, it is sort of a continuation of "men are from mars, etc book) It talks about the persuit/withdrawal behoviour that is such a bad thing to do. Please explain that last part, Justme. I think I understand but I’m not sure…. Joy
Hi Joy! This is complicated: I"ll try <g When a husband/boyfriend is having a problem, the woman’s first instinct is to engage him in talk (because she cares). So she will go to him if she sees that he is "down" and will try to bring him out to tak about things. This is teh way that women deal with probems, men on the other hand deal with problems internally, on thier own first. Then they may come to the women after mulling things over for a bit of time(a day or two usually) What the woman needs to know is that she shouldn’t push for the conversation when the man in not ready to cough up whatevers bothering him. She shouldn’t "persue" him. The man on the other hand HAS to let his S.O KNOW that he appreciates her and that he needs to think awhile and that his withdrawal has nothing to do with his lvoe for her (this is a two way street y’know) She has to atke him at his word, and back off. One thing to do is to "set a time when you can resume the conversatoin" this works well in arguments ( a "time out".) On the other hand, whne a woman has a problem, a man’s first instinct os to "FIX" it. get involved and FIX things (it’s in our genes, we’re martians remember?<g. But that’s not what a guy should do. he sould hold back, listen to her and resist teh urge to "tell her what to do" or even express anger at (whatever is causing the problem). It’s HER problem, she really knows what to do and expressing anger (whichis normally the only emotion men are allowed to have) or telling her what to do is invalidating her feelings. Invalidation is a terrible thing to do to your mate. That is why a man should LISTEN to her, offer a "yes, i understand" or ask a question like "did the boss actually fart during your presentation?" while she is telling you her problem. A woman just needs to TALK it out as a wy of getting it off her chest. And remmeber, in an argument, the two words that CANNOT be used is NEVER and ALWAYS Joy? that is a REAL short SHORT summary of what the book is trying to do. And remmeber, one book is more for a woman to read and the other book is more towards the male audience (it repeats things more and makes more examples so the point gets accross, I wonder why men need that?<g)
Response:
Justme said: Hi everyone! Look, it’s my observation that some of the people here are married, and trying to deal with the past abuse they’ve had. Talking about it is difficult, expecially since men and womens brains are vastly different. (not that one is better than the other, just *DIFFERENT*, like Made for different purposes, right?) Well it should come as no shock that men and women have basic differences in their thinking process. There are two books out there that my therpist told US ( yes one book was written with women in mind as the audience, and the other was more for men. So my wife and I read one of these books: "Divorce Busting" and "We can Work it out" These two books taught us how different "martians" and "venusians" will speak and the differences in our approach to solving problems. (yes, it is sort of a continuation of "men are from mars, etc book) It talks about the persuit/withdrawal behoviour that is such a bad thing to do. How to avoid doing it so that both partners are satisfied. how to word things so as not to make the other person "defensive" yet "get what your asking for". How not to "monstrfy" your partner with negative self talk. why you should avoid the "absolute" words Never and Always" Some of you may really enhance your relationship just by reading these books and trying to get each other to stick by the rules. Even though it has nothing to do with abuse or PTSD, it can make it easier to TALK about some things. It REALLY worked for US!! and now back to our regualrly scheduled abuse: Justme
Response:
These two books taught us how different "martians" and "venusians" will speak and the differences in our approach to solving problems. (yes, it is sort of a continuation of "men are from mars, etc book) It talks about the persuit/withdrawal behoviour that is such a bad thing to do.
Please explain that last part, Justme. I think I understand but I’m not sure…. Joy
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