ramblings of a post-integr*tive nature | PTSD

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ramblings of a post-integr*tive nature

Question:

Here is the obligatory spoiler warning. Obviously I’ll be talking about life post integr*tion below x x x x x x x x x x x Weird time I’m having now. Sort of being really aware of how I am _not_ being dissy. Let’s see… it’s like I am very aware of how I am everyone all the time. It is a very good sensation but very noticable. I tried to think of some examples and my mind went blank Really, the sensation is happening! I guess the strongest example that comes to mind is my relationship with my SO. I feel very close to him right now and in ways that _I_ have never felt. I ‘remember’ feeling these ways _and_ know perfectly well that I have never felt this way. So it’s a blending of me and others in a new way. Oh yeah, another example I _finally_ got it all together to go back to the health club. I have gone to the health club at least three times a week since 1986 but had to stop when I was preg the first time and have not been able to get back there since due to nursing and being preg again and… Well, fritz is finally able to walk and play and get along with others in a way that makes me comfortable with leaving him in the health club daycare so I am back. I planned on going twice a week to start with but because he is having some separation anxiety stuff I am going once a day to give him a chance to get used to the place quickly and consistently. I could just sit around and read but instead I have been working out every day, just like I used to do (except that _I_ never did this:) I am just falling back into my old routine (I once spent time with a professional trainer for climbers to develop a routine of training). It involves one day of doing x and one day of doing y and one day of just stretching and so on. I used to _love_ doing this (well, _I_ didn’t but you know . Now I’m back into it (although I’m taking it easy cause I am not capable of doing what I used to do yet:) and it just feels so right, even though _I_ never did it before. Obviously someone(s) inside are back doing what they love. It’s pretty cool! Rainbow Colors (Jill) — The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.

Response:

I wish I could figure out how to forward this to my patient t. We need to hear this kind of thing over and over. It helps me for him to read other peoples feelings and ideas about stuff. i don’t understand but I do understand what you mean Jill. I can’t see it for me, except that I do know that it happens to me sometimes.Scary. Very scary. This is getting confused! Anyone know how I can forward from go*gle? jane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Here is the obligatory spoiler warning. Obviously I’ll be talking about life post integr*tion below x x x x x x x x x x x Weird time I’m having now. Sort of being really aware of how I am _not_ being dissy. Let’s see… it’s like I am very aware of how I am everyone all the time. It is a very good sensation but very noticable. I tried to think of some examples and my mind went blank Really, the sensation is happening! I guess the strongest example that comes to mind is my relationship with my SO. I feel very close to him right now and in ways that _I_ have never felt. I ‘remember’ feeling these ways _and_ know perfectly well that I have never felt this way. So it’s a blending of me and others in a new way. Oh yeah, another example I _finally_ got it all together to go back to the health club. I have gone to the health club at least three times a week since 1986 but had to stop when I was preg the first time and have not been able to get back there since due to nursing and being preg again and… Well, fritz is finally able to walk and play and get along with others in a way that makes me comfortable with leaving him in the health club daycare so I am back. I planned on going twice a week to start with but because he is having some separation anxiety stuff I am going once a day to give him a chance to get used to the place quickly and consistently. I could just sit around and read but instead I have been working out every day, just like I used to do (except that _I_ never did this:) I am just falling back into my old routine (I once spent time with a professional trainer for climbers to develop a routine of training). It involves one day of doing x and one day of doing y and one day of just stretching and so on. I used to _love_ doing this (well, _I_ didn’t but you know . Now I’m back into it (although I’m taking it easy cause I am not capable of doing what I used to do yet:) and it just feels so right, even though _I_ never did it before. Obviously someone(s) inside are back doing what they love. It’s pretty cool! Rainbow Colors (Jill)

Response:

Is it possible for you to copy, paste and print this to you can take it to your T? Just a thought. I don’t know g**gle very well sorry ( Beck.

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Here is the obligatory spoiler warning. Obviously I’ll be talking about life post integr*tion below x x x x x x x x x x x Weird time I’m having now. Sort of being really aware of how I am _not_ being dissy. Let’s see… it’s like I am very aware of how I am everyone all the time. It is a very good sensation but very noticable. I tried to think of some examples and my mind went blank Really, the sensation is happening! I guess the strongest example that comes to mind is my relationship with my SO. I feel very close to him right now and in ways that _I_ have never felt. I ‘remember’ feeling these ways _and_ know perfectly well that I have never felt this way. So it’s a blending of me and others in a new way. Oh yeah, another example I _finally_ got it all together to go back to the health club. I have gone to the health club at least three times a week since 1986 but had to stop when I was preg the first time and have not been able to get back there since due to nursing and being preg again and… Well, fritz is finally able to walk and play and get along with others in a way that makes me comfortable with leaving him in the health club daycare so I am back. I planned on going twice a week to start with but because he is having some separation anxiety stuff I am going once a day to give him a chance to get used to the place quickly and consistently. I could just sit around and read but instead I have been working out every day, just like I used to do (except that _I_ never did this:) I am just falling back into my old routine (I once spent time with a professional trainer for climbers to develop a routine of training). It involves one day of doing x and one day of doing y and one day of just stretching and so on. I used to _love_ doing this (well, _I_ didn’t but you know . Now I’m back into it (although I’m taking it easy cause I am not capable of doing what I used to do yet:) and it just feels so right, even though _I_ never did it before. Obviously someone(s) inside are back doing what they love. It’s pretty cool! Rainbow Colors (Jill)

Response:

Jill, please share more if you can. May I ask a specific question? Let me spoiler for talk of intgrtn… . . . . . . . When your parts integrated or joined, did they join one by one and, who did they join? The whole? What’s that? There is no whole for us to join. The host? At least in o/ur case I am host and I am also a "part", who will I join/integrate into? Sorry if this is too vague or different from you’s. But at any rate, I am so happy that you did integrate and that you are enjoying fully the things which you ‘remembered’ but never really felt. (I’m pretty sure I know just what you meant by that.) I’d love to hear more. Dayzie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Here is the obligatory spoiler warning. Obviously I’ll be talking about life post integr*tion below x x x x x x x x x x x Weird time I’m having now. Sort of being really aware of how I am _not_ being dissy. Let’s see… it’s like I am very aware of how I am everyone all the time. It is a very good sensation but very noticable. I tried to think of some examples and my mind went blank Really, the sensation is happening! I guess the strongest example that comes to mind is my relationship with my SO. I feel very close to him right now and in ways that _I_ have never felt. I ‘remember’ feeling these ways _and_ know perfectly well that I have never felt this way. So it’s a blending of me and others in a new way. Oh yeah, another example I _finally_ got it all together to go back to the health club. I have gone to the health club at least three times a week since 1986 but had to stop when I was preg the first time and have not been able to get back there since due to nursing and being preg again and… Well, fritz is finally able to walk and play and get along with others in a way that makes me comfortable with leaving him in the health club daycare so I am back. I planned on going twice a week to start with but because he is having some separation anxiety stuff I am going once a day to give him a chance to get used to the place quickly and consistently. I could just sit around and read but instead I have been working out every day, just like I used to do (except that _I_ never did this:) I am just falling back into my old routine (I once spent time with a professional trainer for climbers to develop a routine of training). It involves one day of doing x and one day of doing y and one day of just stretching and so on. I used to _love_ doing this (well, _I_ didn’t but you know . Now I’m back into it (although I’m taking it easy cause I am not capable of doing what I used to do yet:) and it just feels so right, even though _I_ never did it before. Obviously someone(s) inside are back doing what they love. It’s pretty cool! Rainbow Colors (Jill) — The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.

Response:

I am writing below the spoiler about int*gr*tion….

Jill, I hope this doesn’t offend or upset, but I have a question. My mum has DID and has considered integration through her therapy, but she has an alter who is… well has been there through the whole ordeal of life, and has no "form" as such. I don’t want mum to integrate and become this alter… Will I still have my mum? I am sorry to ask this, but I am just a bit scared now after considering the whole thing. On a happier note, its good to hear things going so well for you. I am really happy for you and hope it all stays this well. Congratulations of surviving such a t*ugh dis*rder. Beck.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I am writing below the spoiler about int*gr*tion…. Here is the obligatory spoiler warning. Obviously I’ll be talking about life post integr*tion below x x x x x x x x x x x Weird time I’m having now. Sort of being really aware of how I am _not_ being dissy. Let’s see… it’s like I am very aware of how I am everyone all the time. It is a very good sensation but very noticable. I tried to think of some examples and my mind went blank Really, the sensation is happening! I guess the strongest example that comes to mind is my relationship with my SO. I feel very close to him right now and in ways that _I_ have never felt. I ‘remember’ feeling these ways _and_ know perfectly well that I have never felt this way. So it’s a blending of me and others in a new way. Oh yeah, another example I _finally_ got it all together to go back to the health club. I have gone to the health club at least three times a week since 1986 but had to stop when I was preg the first time and have not been able to get back there since due to nursing and being preg again and… Well, fritz is finally able to walk and play and get along with others in a way that makes me comfortable with leaving him in the health club daycare so I am back. I planned on going twice a week to start with but because he is having some separation anxiety stuff I am going once a day to give him a chance to get used to the place quickly and consistently. I could just sit around and read but instead I have been working out every day, just like I used to do (except that _I_ never did this:) I am just falling back into my old routine (I once spent time with a professional trainer for climbers to develop a routine of training). It involves one day of doing x and one day of doing y and one day of just stretching and so on. I used to _love_ doing this (well, _I_ didn’t but you know . Now I’m back into it (although I’m taking it easy cause I am not capable of doing what I used to do yet:) and it just feels so right, even though _I_ never did it before. Obviously someone(s) inside are back doing what they love. It’s pretty cool! Rainbow Colors (Jill) Jill, I hope this doesn’t offend or upset, but I have a question. My mum has DID and has considered integration through her therapy, but she has an alter who is… well has been there through the whole ordeal of life, and has no "form" as such. I don’t want mum to integrate and become this alter… Will I still have my mum? I am sorry to ask this, but I am just a bit scared now after considering the whole thing.

Well, I can’t say how it will be for them of course but for _us_ no one was lost and no one was changed other than we are all everyone at all times. I have heard of people who integrate and become someone new, someone who is a compilation of everyone together. But for us (me:) the reality is that we are everyone at all times. People who know me (us:) say _I_ still exist (as do all the others) but that there is a profound difference that is hard to explain. Something about being centered, grounded, focused, happier, calmer, more real, etc. I dunno. I like it and it happened naturally as it needed to. It wasn’t our goal and it wasn’t planned. It took lots of hard work and quite a few years and this is just the byproduct of healing for this group. I can say from what I’ve heard of others is that yes you will still have your mum but she will be different as well. Probably different in a way that means she is healthier, happier and stronger. But of course this is only if it is what she (they) want and if it happens naturally and smoothly as an evolution of healing. My opinion of course Rainbow Colors (Jill, who forever maintains that integration isn’t the goal, being healthy and functional is. If integration happens along the way, ok) On a happier note, its good to hear things going so well for you. I am really happy for you and hope it all stays this well. Congratulations of surviving such a t*ugh dis*rder. Beck.

– The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.

Response:

Ok, I’ll give it a try to explain below your post so as to preserve the spoiler… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Jill, please share more if you can. May I ask a specific question? Let me spoiler for talk of intgrtn… . . . . . . . When your parts integrated or joined, did they join one by one and, who did they join? The whole? What’s that? There is no whole for us to join. The host?

Um, it is always so confusing to explain. Let’s see, at first one of us decided she was getting in the way and so she just *poof* went away. We were pretty devestated at first but then realized (after about two weeks) that she wasn’t gone she had just sort of divided up her ‘essense’ into three of us. As we continued healing and time passed some of us just sort of spontaneously joined with others of us. I don’t know why or how but it just happened pretty naturally and kind of like ‘oh, yeah, let’s do that’. One thing that helped us was that we did lots of hypnosis work with our t’pist and also on our own. We played a game where we all joined hands (while in a trance) and ran in a circle faster and faster until we swirled together into a blur. Then we would all fall down laughing and sometimes there would be fewer of us (well, not really but in the sense that some of us were blended). We did lots and _lots_ of very symbolic stuff like this during trance work cause it made sense to us individually and as a system. You’d have to figure out what makes sense to your group of course As we healed our t’pist said on more than one occassion that he thought Anna was the ‘core’ or original or whatever. We thought we blended and _I_ was the one ‘left’ (or whatever you call it, English really doesn’t work in this instance). I mean, I was not even a true alter, I was a facade, a partial… whatever you want to call it (I forget the technical term for it:). I was basically the liason between the outside world and the inside world. I wasn’t really a real person and _I_ was the one who was ‘it’. Talk about time! I mean, I was good at paying attention and doing detailed work like putting stuff back when I was done using it and now all of a *shrug* I got used to it *huge grin* We personally never felt there was actually an original or something. Over time we have figured out that most likely what happened was that ‘I’ was the original and divided out so much and in such a way that I was just a shell or facade or veneer left. It was a survival thing. As a facade there wasn’t anything there to be hurt. Pretty clever, huh:) Then as we all blended I got back everything that had been divided off until I was ‘whole’ again and so I could be the one that was left at the end. The whole thing happened gradually and only as it felt natural to do so. We intentionally practiced this over and over during practice blendings. Like Jamie and Anna would blend for a day to see how it went. Or I would blend with two others for a specific reason for a week or whatever. We just practiced it so much that it inevitably felt right to stay ’stuck together’. At least in o/ur case I am host and I am also a "part", who will I join/integrate into? Sorry if this is too vague or different from you’s. But at any rate, I am so happy that you did integrate and that you are enjoying fully

Well, when we blended we all joined into each other. I mean, I am currently _everyone_ all the time. It’s like being co-conscious but it’s all the time and with everyone. Again, our game involved thinking about colors (we each picked one) and as we ran around we each pretended to be that color and as the colors swirled they blended, like mixing paint. Our original goal was to flash into pure bright white. It never happened that way though. If I had to describe it in those terms today I’d say we are all a swirling mass of colors moving faster and faster in a sort of a whirlpool of color where every so often a flash of any given color is seen but for the most part it’s a blur of c movement and colors all spinning around. the things which you ‘remembered’ but never really felt. (I’m pretty sure I know just what you meant by that.) I’d love to hear more. Dayzie

Any more questions or did this answer what you asked? Rainbow Colors (Jill, who wanted some day to be able to change my nick to white light but can’t cause it’s still not true) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Here is the obligatory spoiler warning. Obviously I’ll be talking about life post integr*tion below x x x x x x x x x x x Weird time I’m having now. Sort of being really aware of how I am _not_ being dissy. Let’s see… it’s like I am very aware of how I am everyone all the time. It is a very good sensation but very noticable. I tried to think of some examples and my mind went blank Really, the sensation is happening! I guess the strongest example that comes to mind is my relationship with my SO. I feel very close to him right now and in ways that _I_ have never felt. I ‘remember’ feeling these ways _and_ know perfectly well that I have never felt this way. So it’s a blending of me and others in a new way. Oh yeah, another example I _finally_ got it all together to go back to the health club. I have gone to the health club at least three times a week since 1986 but had to stop when I was preg the first time and have not been able to get back there since due to nursing and being preg again and… Well, fritz is finally able to walk and play and get along with others in a way that makes me comfortable with leaving him in the health club daycare so I am back. I planned on going twice a week to start with but because he is having some separation anxiety stuff I am going once a day to give him a chance to get used to the place quickly and consistently. I could just sit around and read but instead I have been working out every day, just like I used to do (except that _I_ never did this:) I am just falling back into my old routine (I once spent time with a professional trainer for climbers to develop a routine of training). It involves one day of doing x and one day of doing y and one day of just stretching and so on. I used to _love_ doing this (well, _I_ didn’t but you know . Now I’m back into it (although I’m taking it easy cause I am not capable of doing what I used to do yet:) and it just feels so right, even though _I_ never did it before. Obviously someone(s) inside are back doing what they love. It’s pretty cool! Rainbow Colors (Jill) — The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.

– The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.

Response:

Please see my replies throughout the following, Sorry, got kinda detailed yet very interesting & helpful to me, Dayzie…… Ok, I’ll give it a try to explain below your post so as to preserve the spoiler… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Jill, please share more if you can. May I ask a specific question? Let me spoiler for talk of intgrtn… . . . . . . . When your parts integrated or joined, did they join one by one and, who did they join? The whole? What’s that? There is no whole for us to join. The host? Jill writes…

Um, it is always so confusing to explain. Let’s see, at first one of us decided she was getting in the way and so she just *poof* went away. Dayzie writes…

I just watched a sad movie so we are feeling a bit emotional right now so ya know. When I read that, it broke my heart somewhere inside bc we have the same thing happening, one with a part who’s been MIA for over a year, I’m not sure why but being ‘in the way’ makes so much sense. Before I go on and read even one more line of your post, I wanted to acknowledge that just in what you’ve written so far, about the part leaving bc she felt she was getting in the way, I know that must have been a whole painful chapter in and of itself and her re-emergence (assuming she did come back). Jill writes…

We were pretty devestated at first but then realized (after about two weeks) that she wasn’t gone she had just sort of divided up her ‘essense’ into three of us. Dayzie… Permanently? Let me read on. Jill… As we continued healing and time passed some of us just sort of spontaneously joined with others of us. I don’t know why or how but it just happened pretty naturally and kind of like ‘oh, yeah, let’s do that’. Dayzie… We’ve had 4 join together, when it happened it was quite unexpected. It was our first joining and it did ‘just happen’ after a certain memory had been shared and worked through. I can feel them inside now, but, they no longer can talk like they used to. t used to ask if the one-who-was-4 wants to talk to him, but, it doesn’t happen and I don’t think there is a ‘one’ from the four, it feels more like raindrops in a cup, just them in the cup, but now that they’re so much more and joined, they cannot talk anymore. See? And where once they had specific needs and ideas and feelings… now they truly are a blend of those things. But, that seems elementary compared to what it will be like for so many adult parts to join. Age, gender, sexual orientation, modesty, lack of modesty, rude, timid, I mean, we want to join, yet we feel intimidated at the prospect and enormity of it. I know it will have to ‘happen’ in it’s way, we cannot make it happen, we even had a couple embarassing attempts which proved we cannot just ‘do’ it. So, this is why I asked you. Okay, reading on… Jill… One thing that helped us was that we did lots of hypnosis work with our t’pist and also on our own. Dayzie… Our t won’t go there, period. He used to before he met us, but he won’t anymore. I asked him way early in treatment if he’d just hypnotize me and speed this along, but, he said he would never used it anymore. Darn. Jill… We played a game where we all joined hands (while in a trance) and ran in a circle faster and faster until we swirled together into a blur. Then we would all fall down laughing and sometimes there would be fewer of us (well, not really but in the sense that some of us were blended). We did lots and _lots_ of very symbolic stuff like this during trance work cause it made sense to us individually and as a system. You’d have to figure out what makes sense to your group of course Dayzie… That’s such a beautiful picture of what you’s did together. Remember the four that I said joined? It was a similar thing that happened; they described it like four stars in the sky swirling like the Ori*n stars (film produc*r) until they spun into one, and then they all had "the same dress on now." It was sad for me and others, yet, as they joined and described it for the last time, they were very, very happy. I’m sorry. This is too hard, more later. Back… What is the ‘trance work’ you mentioned above? What you did during hypnosis? Jill… As we healed our t’pist said on more than one occassion that he thought Anna was the ‘core’ or original or whatever. We thought Jamie was. Dayzie… We went back and forth a couple times too. Jill… we blended and _I_ was the one ‘left’ (or whatever you call it, English really doesn’t work in this instance). I mean, I was not even a true alter, I was a facade, a partial… whatever you want to call it (I forget the technical term for it:). Dayzie… I call it (myself in this instance) the Incomplete Presenter. Pretending to do, know, remember, understand, present all to the world, yet severely lacking in memory, feeling, comprehension of the dynamics of human relating. Blah. Yes, I am with you 100% here, except that I have recently, as in the past few months, come to realize that I am an alter or a part (another gut-wrenching chapter) and as incomplete as I am, I still think I’m a whole part or alter like the others bc none of us are complete. Just my instinctual personal take on something that yes, is hard to put to language, but in this place (asd) I feel I can actually attempt to. Jill… I was basically the liason between the outside world and the inside world. I wasn’t really a real person and _I_ was the one who was ‘it’. Talk about time! I mean, I was good at paying attention and doing detailed work like putting stuff back when I was done using it and now all of a Dayzie… I wouldn’t want to be ‘it’ either. Yet, as the barrier walls to emotion begin to crumble and I get more and more deep sadness and feeling and memories and things from other parts, wouldn’t it be that, it WILL be me, but, it WILL be them too? The whole stew, not just the carrots and gravy? We have the strength of the meat and the compassion in the onion and everyone else’s flavor of life (life skills) too? That’s what t says it will be like and that is what I see happening despite our long-standing resistance to such a thing. ;) Jill… *shrug* I got used to it *huge grin* Dayzie… I’m only brainstorming with you and trying to understand inside. I’m apprehensive about integration yet want to eventually. Just need to feel along in the dark so I can feel safer. Jill… We personally never felt there was actually an original or something. Over time we have figured out that most likely what happened was that ‘I’ was the original and divided out so much and in such a way that I was just a shell or facade or veneer left. It was a survival thing. As a facade there wasn’t anything there to be hurt. Pretty clever, huh:) Then as we all blended I got back everything that had been divided off until I was ‘whole’ again and so I could be the one that was left at the end. Dayzie… And that’s what I hate about my t and the textbooks trying to be so scientific about it all. None of us (mltpls) are going to fit eachothers’ mold and when we don’t we start to worry that our healing won’t work or maybe we weren’t fragmented enough to fit or we’re the oddball case that won’t be understood or whatever. We are all so unique and the sets we all carry and their functions and dynamics and beauty are all as unique and individual as the clouds in the sky, yet, we are all clouds. I don’t like it either; having t try to figure out who is the what doing whatever. He’s very good at letting things roll, and much to my astonishment, there’s almost a mathmatical exactness to how and why my parts are what they are, the discoveries which shed light on their pathologies/joys/fears/habits/etc. are so completely self-revealing, yet I still have difficulty claiming them as ’self’ but, you know, for the big picture, maybe that ‘whole’ I said we didn’t have, maybe that’s……. okay, not seeing it anymore. Sorry. Moving on. Jill… The whole thing happened gradually and only as it felt natural to do so. Dayzie… See, bc of our vain attempt to start integration (embarassed), LOL, we know that when the four littles joined, it *was* natural and in the right timing. We know what you said is true; it must be gradual and natural. Thank you. Jill… We intentionally practiced this over and over during practice blendings. Like Jamie and Anna would blend for a day to see how it went. Or I would blend with two others for a specific reason for a week or whatever. We just practiced it so much that it inevitably felt right to stay ’stuck together’. Dayzie… (crying) I want to try that. I wonder if our t would help us arrange that. We want to try. Dayzie before… At least in o/ur case I am host and I am also a "part", who will I join/integrate into? Sorry if this is too vague or different from you’s. But at any rate, I am so happy that you did integrate and that you are enjoying fully

Jill… Well, when we blended we all joined into each other. I mean, I am currently _everyone_ all the time. It’s like being co-conscious but it’s all the time and with everyone. Dayzie… I don’t know if I could take all the constant feelings. Like, putting your face over a bowl of steam to open your pores but after awhile it just gets too hot and wet and uncomfortable and you gotta pull back and splash cold water. I’m not sure I can stay exposed to so much all the time. I’m starting to and it hurts. Jill… Again, our game involved thinking about colors (we each picked one) and as we ran around we each pretended … read more »

Response:

that’s so cool. more below, but i’m not sure i understand why it’s spoilered…

sounds pretty cool. i get something sorta similar once in awhile. more like…i can tell that x is on first, but know that y is on first. and when i examine it a bit closer i realize that what i have is a meld of x and y. "well, i feel like ethan, but i can’t be ethan, cuz this is *definitely* kitty’s voice…but can’t be kitty because i *feel* like ethan – got his calmness and sense of irony, his sardonic wit and shy affection…but i’m talking about kitty subjects, feeling her sense of power and strength, using her challenging stare…but…" the idea that i could *ever* contemplate a *MELD* of those two would have been ludicruous a year ago. but there’re other melds that i’ve been aware of. the difference for me is that the parts are still distinct parts. just that when they function together, they’re seamless. it’s as though they create a new part. Thomas and Socrates was my biggest, most common meld. Spent a *lot* of my time as them in this lifetime. :) *sigh* melds can be a lot of fun. does tend to make it hard for me to know who’s on first most of the time, however. ;) but then, i don’t remember a time when i wasn’t pretty strongly co-conscious. *shrugs* it’s a strange, wonderful, interesting life. i think i just needed something to keep my mind occupied until the world was ready to cope with me being unleashed upon it. ;) ok, ok…i’ll leave off the megalomanaical laughter that should have accompanied that train of thought… :-D it may be a bit late, but … glad yer ok. hey, will be in Nebraska in September. how far away are you? jt —

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Ok, I’ll give it a try to explain below your post so as to preserve the spoiler… Jill, please share more if you can. May I ask a specific question? Let me spoiler for talk of intgrtn… . . . . . . . <snip Again, our game involved thinking about colors (we each picked one) and as we ran around we each pretended to be that color and as the colors swirled they blended, like mixing paint. Our original goal was to flash into pure bright white. It never happened that way though. If I had to describe it in those terms today I’d say we are all a swirling mass of colors moving faster and faster in a sort of a whirlpool of color where every so often a flash of any given color is seen but for the most part it’s a blur of c movement and colors all spinning around.

it’s my understanding, from the energy work i’ve done with my chiropractor, that this is the goal. i think of it as ppl have all colors in them (though some get more use than others, and become "associated" with that person – i sorta read auras if u believe in that stuff. but it’s not actually "visual". oh, nm… ) and when healthy, all the colors swirl around as needed. it’s like a dance, or watching clothes in a washer – sometimes one’s on top, sometimes another…flashes of this or that as it feels right or whatever. i see multiplicity, for myself, at least, as those colors getting separated cuz it hurts too much for them to flow together (too much awareness if not separated). switching is jumping from one color to another. as issues get fixed, it’s safer for the colors to flow together more, and stuff gets more free and natural feeling inside. at least, for me. now it’s kinda like when there’s a problem or issue that needs to get fixed it feels like a snag in my soul, like something’s stuck there…a rock in the stream that stuff needs to flow around, and sometimes stuff gets stuck behind the rock, and needs to get freed up. and when i can free it up by working on the issue, by crying or whatever, that part of my soul feels relaxed and free…easy. "go with the flow" peace. jt – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – the things which you ‘remembered’ but never really felt. (I’m pretty sure I know just what you meant by that.) I’d love to hear more. Dayzie Any more questions or did this answer what you asked? Rainbow Colors (Jill, who wanted some day to be able to change my nick to white light but can’t cause it’s still not true) Here is the obligatory spoiler warning. Obviously I’ll be talking about life post integr*tion below x x x x x x x x x x x Weird time I’m having now. Sort of being really aware of how I am _not_ being dissy. Let’s see… it’s like I am very aware of how I am everyone all the time. It is a very good sensation but very noticable. I tried to think of some examples and my mind went blank Really, the sensation is happening! I guess the strongest example that comes to mind is my relationship with my SO. I feel very close to him right now and in ways that _I_ have never felt. I ‘remember’ feeling these ways _and_ know perfectly well that I have never felt this way. So it’s a blending of me and others in a new way. Oh yeah, another example I _finally_ got it all together to go back to the health club. I have gone to the health club at least three times a week since 1986 but had to stop when I was preg the first time and have not been able to get back there since due to nursing and being preg again and… Well, fritz is finally able to walk and play and get along with others in a way that makes me comfortable with leaving him in the health club daycare so I am back. I planned on going twice a week to start with but because he is having some separation anxiety stuff I am going once a day to give him a chance to get used to the place quickly and consistently. I could just sit around and read but instead I have been working out every day, just like I used to do (except that _I_ never did this:) I am just falling back into my old routine (I once spent time with a professional trainer for climbers to develop a routine of training). It involves one day of doing x and one day of doing y and one day of just stretching and so on. I used to _love_ doing this (well, _I_ didn’t but you know . Now I’m back into it (although I’m taking it easy cause I am not capable of doing what I used to do yet:) and it just feels so right, even though _I_ never did it before. Obviously someone(s) inside are back doing what they love. It’s pretty cool! Rainbow Colors (Jill) —

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light. —

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.

Response:

that’s so cool. more below, but i’m not sure i understand why it’s spoilered…

It obligatory per the FAQ More below… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Here is the obligatory spoiler warning. Obviously I’ll be talking about life post integr*tion below x x x x x x x x x x x i get something sorta similar once in awhile. more like…i can tell that x is on first, but know that y is on first. and when i examine it a bit closer i realize that what i have is a meld of x and y. "well, i feel like ethan, but i can’t be ethan, cuz this is *definitely* kitty’s voice…but can’t be kitty because i *feel* like ethan – got his calmness and sense of irony, his sardonic wit and shy affection…but i’m talking about kitty subjects, feeling her sense of power and strength, using her challenging stare…but…" the idea that i could *ever* contemplate a *MELD* of those two would have been ludicruous a year ago.

But did you contemplate it or did it just happen cause it was the right time for it to happen? but there’re other melds that i’ve been aware of. the difference for me is that the parts are still distinct parts. just that when they function together, they’re seamless. it’s as though they create a new part. Thomas and Socrates was my biggest, most common meld. Spent a *lot* of my time as them in this lifetime. :) *sigh* melds can be a lot of fun. does tend to make it hard for me to know who’s on first most of the time, however. ;)

Once you stop worrying about this or trying to figure it out it will get more fun, imo. I gave up trying to keep track in late 96 and almost immediately things got a lot easier because trying to pay attention was holding some blendings back. but then, i don’t remember a time when i wasn’t pretty strongly co-conscious. *shrugs* it’s a strange, wonderful,

This struck me as a very funny comment. I don’t remember a time I wasn’t co-conscious either cause I had amnesia when I wasn’t. Aka, ‘lost time’ you know *grin* interesting life. i think i just needed something to keep my mind occupied until the world was ready to cope with me being unleashed upon it. ;) ok, ok…i’ll leave off the megalomanaical laughter that should have accompanied that train of thought… :-D it may be a bit late, but … glad yer ok. hey, will be in Nebraska in September. how far away are you?

Um, Nebraska is a fairly large state you know. I think you have to be more specific Basically think of me living in Denver. I could probably drive some east to meet you. Of course once you get much east of Denver there really isn’t any place to meet at though. I’ll be on vacation the end of Sept. Why don’t you email me and we can talk more about details… Rainbow Colors (Jill) — The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.

Response:

This is weird. This is scaring me. I don’t understand it. I don’t know how to do this stuff. I am stupid. jane

I don’t know what you’re referring to specifically jane. Please, i’m sorry if we sc*red you. Maybe it wasn’t a good subject for you to read about yet? And you don’t have to _know how to do this stuff_, whoever it was who said that. We are learning too but only bc we’re finally brave enough to start to look at it. It took us a long time to get *any* courage up to even *think* about this topic let alone talk about it. If what you were triggered by was talk of *I*. If it was something else, we’re sorry about that too if we caused you any pa*n. We don’t feel afraid about it anymore but for a long time we did but it’s not scary anymore for us but we understand if it was for you and if you wanna talk about any of it we’d be glad to talk more but if it’s safer to let it go then that’s okay too. We want you to feel safe. :) Dayzie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – This is weird. This is scaring me. I don’t understand it. I don’t know how to do this stuff. I am stupid. jane Ok, I’ll give it a try to explain below your post so as to preserve the spoiler… Jill, please share more if you can. May I ask a specific question? Let me spoiler for talk of intgrtn… . . . . . . . When your parts integrated or joined, did they join one by one and, who did they join? The whole? What’s that? There is no whole for us to join. The host? Um, it is always so confusing to explain. Let’s see, at first one of us decided she was getting in the way and so she just *poof* went away. We were pretty devestated at first but then realized (after about two weeks) that she wasn’t gone she had just sort of divided up her ‘essense’ into three of us. As we continued healing and time passed some of us just sort of spontaneously joined with others of us. I don’t know why or how but it just happened pretty naturally and kind of like ‘oh, yeah, let’s do that’. One thing that helped us was that we did lots of hypnosis work with our t’pist and also on our own. We played a game where we all joined hands (while in a trance) and ran in a circle faster and faster until we swirled together into a blur. Then we would all fall down laughing and sometimes there would be fewer of us (well, not really but in the sense that some of us were blended). We did lots and _lots_ of very symbolic stuff like this during trance work cause it made sense to us individually and as a system. You’d have to figure out what makes sense to your group of course As we healed our t’pist said on more than one occassion that he thought Anna was the ‘core’ or original or whatever. We thought we blended and _I_ was the one ‘left’ (or whatever you call it, English really doesn’t work in this instance). I mean, I was not even a true alter, I was a facade, a partial… whatever you want to call it (I forget the technical term for it:). I was basically the liason between the outside world and the inside world. I wasn’t really a real person and _I_ was the one who was ‘it’. Talk about time! I mean, I was good at paying attention and doing detailed work like putting stuff back when I was done using it and now all of a *shrug* I got used to it *huge grin* We personally never felt there was actually an original or something. Over time we have figured out that most likely what happened was that ‘I’ was the original and divided out so much and in such a way that I was just a shell or facade or veneer left. It was a survival thing. As a facade there wasn’t anything there to be hurt. Pretty clever, huh:) Then as we all blended I got back everything that had been divided off until I was ‘whole’ again and so I could be the one that was left at the end. The whole thing happened gradually and only as it felt natural to do so. We intentionally practiced this over and over during practice blendings. Like Jamie and Anna would blend for a day to see how it went. Or I would blend with two others for a specific reason for a week or whatever. We just practiced it so much that it inevitably felt right to stay ’stuck together’. At least in o/ur case I am host and I am also a "part", who will I join/integrate into? Sorry if this is too vague or different from you’s. But at any rate, I am so happy that you did integrate and that you are enjoying fully Well, when we blended we all joined into each other. I mean, I am currently _everyone_ all the time. It’s like being co-conscious but it’s all the time and with everyone. Again, our game involved thinking about colors (we each picked one) and as we ran around we each pretended to be that color and as the colors swirled they blended, like mixing paint. Our original goal was to flash into pure bright white. It never happened that way though. If I had to describe it in those terms today I’d say we are all a swirling mass of colors moving faster and faster in a sort of a whirlpool of color where every so often a flash of any given color is seen but for the most part it’s a blur of c movement and colors all spinning around. the things which you ‘remembered’ but never really felt. (I’m pretty sure I know just what you meant by that.) I’d love to hear more. Dayzie Any more questions or did this answer what you asked? Rainbow Colors (Jill, who wanted some day to be able to change my nick to white light but can’t cause it’s still not true) Here is the obligatory spoiler warning. Obviously I’ll be talking about life post integr*tion below x x x x x x x x x x x Weird time I’m having now. Sort of being really aware of how I am _not_ being dissy. Let’s see… it’s like I am very aware of how I am everyone all the time. It is a very good sensation but very noticable. I tried to think of some examples and my mind went blank Really, the sensation is happening! I guess the strongest example that comes to mind is my relationship with my SO. I feel very close to him right now and in ways that _I_ have never felt. I ‘remember’ feeling these ways _and_ know perfectly well that I have never felt this way. So it’s a blending of me and others in a new way. Oh yeah, another example I _finally_ got it all together to go back to the health club. I have gone to the health club at least three times a week since 1986 but had to stop when I was preg the first time and have not been able to get back there since due to nursing and being preg again and… Well, fritz is finally able to walk and play and get along with others in a way that makes me comfortable with leaving him in the health club daycare so I am back. I planned on going twice a week to start with but because he is having some separation anxiety stuff I am going once a day to give him a chance to get used to the place quickly and consistently. I could just sit around and read but instead I have been working out every day, just like I used to do (except that _I_ never did this:) I am just falling back into my old routine (I once spent time with a professional trainer for climbers to develop a routine of training). It involves one day of doing x and one day of doing y and one day of just stretching and so on. I used to _love_ doing this (well, _I_ didn’t but you know . Now I’m back into it (although I’m taking it easy cause I am not capable of doing what I used to do yet:) and it just feels so right, even though _I_ never did it before. Obviously someone(s) inside are back doing what they love. It’s pretty cool! Rainbow Colors (Jill) — The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.

Response:

This is weird. This is scaring me. I don’t understand it. I don’t know how to do this stuff. I am stupid. jane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Ok, I’ll give it a try to explain below your post so as to preserve the spoiler… Jill, please share more if you can. May I ask a specific question? Let me spoiler for talk of intgrtn… . . . . . . . When your parts integrated or joined, did they join one by one and, who did they join? The whole? What’s that? There is no whole for us to join. The host? Um, it is always so confusing to explain. Let’s see, at first one of us decided she was getting in the way and so she just *poof* went away. We were pretty devestated at first but then realized (after about two weeks) that she wasn’t gone she had just sort of divided up her ‘essense’ into three of us. As we continued healing and time passed some of us just sort of spontaneously joined with others of us. I don’t know why or how but it just happened pretty naturally and kind of like ‘oh, yeah, let’s do that’. One thing that helped us was that we did lots of hypnosis work with our t’pist and also on our own. We played a game where we all joined hands (while in a trance) and ran in a circle faster and faster until we swirled together into a blur. Then we would all fall down laughing and sometimes there would be fewer of us (well, not really but in the sense that some of us were blended). We did lots and _lots_ of very symbolic stuff like this during trance work cause it made sense to us individually and as a system. You’d have to figure out what makes sense to your group of course As we healed our t’pist said on more than one occassion that he thought Anna was the ‘core’ or original or whatever. We thought we blended and _I_ was the one ‘left’ (or whatever you call it, English really doesn’t work in this instance). I mean, I was not even a true alter, I was a facade, a partial… whatever you want to call it (I forget the technical term for it:). I was basically the liason between the outside world and the inside world. I wasn’t really a real person and _I_ was the one who was ‘it’. Talk about time! I mean, I was good at paying attention and doing detailed work like putting stuff back when I was done using it and now all of a *shrug* I got used to it *huge grin* We personally never felt there was actually an original or something. Over time we have figured out that most likely what happened was that ‘I’ was the original and divided out so much and in such a way that I was just a shell or facade or veneer left. It was a survival thing. As a facade there wasn’t anything there to be hurt. Pretty clever, huh:) Then as we all blended I got back everything that had been divided off until I was ‘whole’ again and so I could be the one that was left at the end. The whole thing happened gradually and only as it felt natural to do so. We intentionally practiced this over and over during practice blendings. Like Jamie and Anna would blend for a day to see how it went. Or I would blend with two others for a specific reason for a week or whatever. We just practiced it so much that it inevitably felt right to stay ’stuck together’. At least in o/ur case I am host and I am also a "part", who will I join/integrate into? Sorry if this is too vague or different from you’s. But at any rate, I am so happy that you did integrate and that you are enjoying fully Well, when we blended we all joined into each other. I mean, I am currently _everyone_ all the time. It’s like being co-conscious but it’s all the time and with everyone. Again, our game involved thinking about colors (we each picked one) and as we ran around we each pretended to be that color and as the colors swirled they blended, like mixing paint. Our original goal was to flash into pure bright white. It never happened that way though. If I had to describe it in those terms today I’d say we are all a swirling mass of colors moving faster and faster in a sort of a whirlpool of color where every so often a flash of any given color is seen but for the most part it’s a blur of c movement and colors all spinning around. the things which you ‘remembered’ but never really felt. (I’m pretty sure I know just what you meant by that.) I’d love to hear more. Dayzie Any more questions or did this answer what you asked? Rainbow Colors (Jill, who wanted some day to be able to change my nick to white light but can’t cause it’s still not true) Here is the obligatory spoiler warning. Obviously I’ll be talking about life post integr*tion below x x x x x x x x x x x Weird time I’m having now. Sort of being really aware of how I am _not_ being dissy. Let’s see… it’s like I am very aware of how I am everyone all the time. It is a very good sensation but very noticable. I tried to think of some examples and my mind went blank Really, the sensation is happening! I guess the strongest example that comes to mind is my relationship with my SO. I feel very close to him right now and in ways that _I_ have never felt. I ‘remember’ feeling these ways _and_ know perfectly well that I have never felt this way. So it’s a blending of me and others in a new way. Oh yeah, another example I _finally_ got it all together to go back to the health club. I have gone to the health club at least three times a week since 1986 but had to stop when I was preg the first time and have not been able to get back there since due to nursing and being preg again and… Well, fritz is finally able to walk and play and get along with others in a way that makes me comfortable with leaving him in the health club daycare so I am back. I planned on going twice a week to start with but because he is having some separation anxiety stuff I am going once a day to give him a chance to get used to the place quickly and consistently. I could just sit around and read but instead I have been working out every day, just like I used to do (except that _I_ never did this:) I am just falling back into my old routine (I once spent time with a professional trainer for climbers to develop a routine of training). It involves one day of doing x and one day of doing y and one day of just stretching and so on. I used to _love_ doing this (well, _I_ didn’t but you know . Now I’m back into it (although I’m taking it easy cause I am not capable of doing what I used to do yet:) and it just feels so right, even though _I_ never did it before. Obviously someone(s) inside are back doing what they love. It’s pretty cool! Rainbow Colors (Jill) — The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.

Response:

In article

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – that’s so cool. more below, but i’m not sure i understand why it’s spoilered… It obligatory per the FAQ More below… Here is the obligatory spoiler warning. Obviously I’ll be talking about life post integr*tion below x x x x x x x x x x x i get something sorta similar once in awhile. more like…i can tell that x is on first, but know that y is on first. and when i examine it a bit closer i realize that what i have is a meld of x and y. "well, i feel like ethan, but i can’t be ethan, cuz this is *definitely* kitty’s voice…but can’t be kitty because i *feel* like ethan – got his calmness and sense of irony, his sardonic wit and shy affection…but i’m talking about kitty subjects, feeling her sense of power and strength, using her challenging stare…but…" the idea that i could *ever* contemplate a *MELD* of those two would have been ludicruous a year ago. But did you contemplate it or did it just happen cause it was the right time for it to happen?

right time. "contemplate" was my attempt to say how far-fetched the reality was, if contemplation was impossible – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – but there’re other melds that i’ve been aware of. the difference for me is that the parts are still distinct parts. just that when they function together, they’re seamless. it’s as though they create a new part. Thomas and Socrates was my biggest, most common meld. Spent a *lot* of my time as them in this lifetime. :) *sigh* melds can be a lot of fun. does tend to make it hard for me to know who’s on first most of the time, however. ;) Once you stop worrying about this or trying to figure it out it will get more fun, imo. I gave up trying to keep track in late 96 and almost immediately things got a lot easier because trying to pay attention was holding some blendings back.

i tend not to worry, but every once in awhile someone will ask who’s on first, and i have no clue…but i feel like i should…so jen switches on, but won’t tell us that’s what happened. and…*sigh* :) but then, i don’t remember a time when i wasn’t pretty strongly co-conscious. *shrugs* it’s a strange, wonderful, This struck me as a very funny comment. I don’t remember a time I wasn’t co-conscious either cause I had amnesia when I wasn’t. Aka, ‘lost time’ you know *grin*

not really. when i’ve lost time, i generally hold to the belief that *somebody* remembers it, even if i don’t. i can’t remember the last half of march, nor all of april and may of this year. i remember bits and pieces here and there…but it *feels* like, based on the memories i have available, no more than 2 weeks went by. but i know that bryan was on first most of that time, and he’s rarely co-c with the rest of us. when he’s around, he has a better idea what happened, and he says "of course" that much time passed. and looks at me like i’m looney. ;) bry’s a trip. nebraska…schyler? schuyler? /sky – ler/. that’s where we’ll be. 21, 22, 23, 24 of sept. gotta go, cuz thunder lightnin here now. bye jt – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – interesting life. i think i just needed something to keep my mind occupied until the world was ready to cope with me being unleashed upon it. ;) ok, ok…i’ll leave off the megalomanaical laughter that should have accompanied that train of thought… :-D it may be a bit late, but … glad yer ok. hey, will be in Nebraska in September. how far away are you? Um, Nebraska is a fairly large state you know. I think you have to be more specific Basically think of me living in Denver. I could probably drive some east to meet you. Of course once you get much east of Denver there really isn’t any place to meet at though. I’ll be on vacation the end of Sept. Why don’t you email me and we can talk more about details… Rainbow Colors (Jill) —

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.

Response:

This is weird. This is scaring me. I don’t understand it. I don’t know how to do this stuff. I am stupid. jane

Nope, you are at a different point in your healing and your path is different than mine. It might be unsettling to you to read this or think about it but you are definitely not stupid! Rainbow Colors (Jill) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Ok, I’ll give it a try to explain below your post so as to preserve the spoiler… Jill, please share more if you can. May I ask a specific question? Let me spoiler for talk of intgrtn… . . . . . . . When your parts integrated or joined, did they join one by one and, who did they join? The whole? What’s that? There is no whole for us to join. The host? Um, it is always so confusing to explain. Let’s see, at first one of us decided she was getting in the way and so she just *poof* went away. We were pretty devestated at first but then realized (after about two weeks) that she wasn’t gone she had just sort of divided up her ‘essense’ into three of us. As we continued healing and time passed some of us just sort of spontaneously joined with others of us. I don’t know why or how but it just happened pretty naturally and kind of like ‘oh, yeah, let’s do that’. One thing that helped us was that we did lots of hypnosis work with our t’pist and also on our own. We played a game where we all joined hands (while in a trance) and ran in a circle faster and faster until we swirled together into a blur. Then we would all fall down laughing and sometimes there would be fewer of us (well, not really but in the sense that some of us were blended). We did lots and _lots_ of very symbolic stuff like this during trance work cause it made sense to us individually and as a system. You’d have to figure out what makes sense to your group of course As we healed our t’pist said on more than one occassion that he thought Anna was the ‘core’ or original or whatever. We thought we blended and _I_ was the one ‘left’ (or whatever you call it, English really doesn’t work in this instance). I mean, I was not even a true alter, I was a facade, a partial… whatever you want to call it (I forget the technical term for it:). I was basically the liason between the outside world and the inside world. I wasn’t really a real person and _I_ was the one who was ‘it’. Talk about time! I mean, I was good at paying attention and doing detailed work like putting stuff back when I was done using it and now all of a *shrug* I got used to it *huge grin* We personally never felt there was actually an original or something. Over time we have figured out that most likely what happened was that ‘I’ was the original and divided out so much and in such a way that I was just a shell or facade or veneer left. It was a survival thing. As a facade there wasn’t anything there to be hurt. Pretty clever, huh:) Then as we all blended I got back everything that had been divided off until I was ‘whole’ again and so I could be the one that was left at the end. The whole thing happened gradually and only as it felt natural to do so. We intentionally practiced this over and over during practice blendings. Like Jamie and Anna would blend for a day to see how it went. Or I would blend with two others for a specific reason for a week or whatever. We just practiced it so much that it inevitably felt right to stay ’stuck together’. At least in o/ur case I am host and I am also a "part", who will I join/integrate into? Sorry if this is too vague or different from you’s. But at any rate, I am so happy that you did integrate and that you are enjoying fully Well, when we blended we all joined into each other. I mean, I am currently _everyone_ all the time. It’s like being co-conscious but it’s all the time and with everyone. Again, our game involved thinking about colors (we each picked one) and as we ran around we each pretended to be that color and as the colors swirled they blended, like mixing paint. Our original goal was to flash into pure bright white. It never happened that way though. If I had to describe it in those terms today I’d say we are all a swirling mass of colors moving faster and faster in a sort of a whirlpool of color where every so often a flash of any given color is seen but for the most part it’s a blur of c movement and colors all spinning around. the things which you ‘remembered’ but never really felt. (I’m pretty sure I know just what you meant by that.) I’d love to hear more. Dayzie Any more questions or did this answer what you asked? Rainbow Colors (Jill, who wanted some day to be able to change my nick to white light but can’t cause it’s still not true) Here is the obligatory spoiler warning. Obviously I’ll be talking about life post integr*tion below x x x x x x x x x x x Weird time I’m having now. Sort of being really aware of how I am _not_ being dissy. Let’s see… it’s like I am very aware of how I am everyone all the time. It is a very good sensation but very noticable. I tried to think of some examples and my mind went blank Really, the sensation is happening! I guess the strongest example that comes to mind is my relationship with my SO. I feel very close to him right now and in ways that _I_ have never felt. I ‘remember’ feeling these ways _and_ know perfectly well that I have never felt this way. So it’s a blending of me and others in a new way. Oh yeah, another example I _finally_ got it all together to go back to the health club. I have gone to the health club at least three times a week since 1986 but had to stop when I was preg the first time and have not been able to get back there since due to nursing and being preg again and… Well, fritz is finally able to walk and play and get along with others in a way that makes me comfortable with leaving him in the health club daycare so I am back. I planned on going twice a week to start with but because he is having some separation anxiety stuff I am going once a day to give him a chance to get used to the place quickly and consistently. I could just sit around and read but instead I have been working out every day, just like I used to do (except that _I_ never did this:) I am just falling back into my old routine (I once spent time with a professional trainer for climbers to develop a routine of training). It involves one day of doing x and one day of doing y and one day of just stretching and so on. I used to _love_ doing this (well, _I_ didn’t but you know . Now I’m back into it (although I’m taking it easy cause I am not capable of doing what I used to do yet:) and it just feels so right, even though _I_ never did it before. Obviously someone(s) inside are back doing what they love. It’s pretty cool! Rainbow Colors (Jill) — The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.

– The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.

Response:

Well, I gotta disagree with this one I think. There is no ‘have to’ in healing. What probably works best is to figure out what you _do_ want to have happen and then work toward that as a goal. Like, in my case I wanted to stop having annoying ptsd stuff so I worked on that. In a round about way other things happened but that isn’t what I worked on. So, if you don’t want to talk to insiders figure out what you do want to do and work on that. getting better means just what, exactly? this whole thing is really

Ok, so then you bring up very good point B What does it mean to get better. Well, for _me_ it meant not losing time, not feeling crazy, not having ptsd stuff get in my way, not lots of stuff. What do you think it might mean for you? I always figure that multiplicity is _not_ the problem in and of itself for most people. It is totally possible to live a just fine life and be multiple. It’s the ‘disorder’ aspect of multiplicity that gets in peoples way. So, what makes you stuck? What do you mean by stuck? What would being unstuck be like? How would being unstuck help you be more happy/functional/whatever? See, so many people focus on being ‘normal’ or being like other people and they forget that if everyone was like everyone else the world would be _really_ boring! I think you would do well to focus on what is making you so frustrated (at least that is what it sounds like to me when I read your words). It might turn out to not be related directly to the insiders but related to other stuff in your life. Like, right now I’m frustrated because we don’t have money to spend on things I’m used to buying. That clearly had nothing to do with multiplicity But I feel frustrated none the less. Once you can see what you are stuck about (what I am calling frustrated) then you might be able to see what to do to take that first step to getting unstuck. Like in my case I could get a job. That would clearly fix the problems we are having here. really stupid. I would like to get out of here. I would like everyone to leave me alone. Not you here, just the ones around me all day long.

Ooh, I know _that_ feeling. Don’t you just wish you could stand up and scream at the top of your lungs GO AWAY!!!!!!! Wouldn’t that shock people and amaze them *wicked grin* Rainbow Colors (Jill) Yuck. Iam too tired. jane

– The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.

Response:

I feel stupid. I feel stuck and like this will never end. And I don’t want to let the insiders talk and I hate talking about them or any of this and that is stupid because I can’t get better if I don’t. But getting better means just what, exactly? this whole thing is really really stupid. I would like to get out of here. I would like everyone to leave me alone. Not you here, just the ones around me all day long. Yuck. Iam too tired. jane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – This is weird. This is scaring me. I don’t understand it. I don’t know how to do this stuff. I am stupid. jane Nope, you are at a different point in your healing and your path is different than mine. It might be unsettling to you to read this or think about it but you are definitely not stupid! Rainbow Colors (Jill) Ok, I’ll give it a try to explain below your post so as to preserve the spoiler… Jill, please share more if you can. May I ask a specific question? Let me spoiler for talk of intgrtn… . . . . . . . When your parts integrated or joined, did they join one by one and, who did they join? The whole? What’s that? There is no whole for us to join. The host? Um, it is always so confusing to explain. Let’s see, at first one of us decided she was getting in the way and so she just *poof* went away. We were pretty devestated at first but then realized (after about two weeks) that she wasn’t gone she had just sort of divided up her ‘essense’ into three of us. As we continued healing and time passed some of us just sort of spontaneously joined with others of us. I don’t know why or how but it just happened pretty naturally and kind of like ‘oh, yeah, let’s do that’. One thing that helped us was that we did lots of hypnosis work with our t’pist and also on our own. We played a game where we all joined hands (while in a trance) and ran in a circle faster and faster until we swirled together into a blur. Then we would all fall down laughing and sometimes there would be fewer of us (well, not really but in the sense that some of us were blended). We did lots and _lots_ of very symbolic stuff like this during trance work cause it made sense to us individually and as a system. You’d have to figure out what makes sense to your group of course As we healed our t’pist said on more than one occassion that he thought Anna was the ‘core’ or original or whatever. We thought we blended and _I_ was the one ‘left’ (or whatever you call it, English really doesn’t work in this instance). I mean, I was not even a true alter, I was a facade, a partial… whatever you want to call it (I forget the technical term for it:). I was basically the liason between the outside world and the inside world. I wasn’t really a real person and _I_ was the one who was ‘it’. Talk about time! I mean, I was good at paying attention and doing detailed work like putting stuff back when I was done using it and now all of a *shrug* I got used to it *huge grin* We personally never felt there was actually an original or something. Over time we have figured out that most likely what happened was that ‘I’ was the original and divided out so much and in such a way that I was just a shell or facade or veneer left. It was a survival thing. As a facade there wasn’t anything there to be hurt. Pretty clever, huh:) Then as we all blended I got back everything that had been divided off until I was ‘whole’ again and so I could be the one that was left at the end. The whole thing happened gradually and only as it felt natural to do so. We intentionally practiced this over and over during practice blendings. Like Jamie and Anna would blend for a day to see how it went. Or I would blend with two others for a specific reason for a week or whatever. We just practiced it so much that it inevitably felt right to stay ’stuck together’. At least in o/ur case I am host and I am also a "part", who will I join/integrate into? Sorry if this is too vague or different from you’s. But at any rate, I am so happy that you did integrate and that you are enjoying fully Well, when we blended we all joined into each other. I mean, I am currently _everyone_ all the time. It’s like being co-conscious but it’s all the time and with everyone. Again, our game involved thinking about colors (we each picked one) and as we ran around we each pretended to be that color and as the colors swirled they blended, like mixing paint. Our original goal was to flash into pure bright white. It never happened that way though. If I had to describe it in those terms today I’d say we are all a swirling mass of colors moving faster and faster in a sort of a whirlpool of color where every so often a flash of any given color is seen but for the most part it’s a blur of c movement and colors all spinning around. the things which you ‘remembered’ but never really felt. (I’m pretty sure I know just what you meant by that.) I’d love to hear more. Dayzie Any more questions or did this answer what you asked? Rainbow Colors (Jill, who wanted some day to be able to change my nick to white light but can’t cause it’s still not true) Here is the obligatory spoiler warning. Obviously I’ll be talking about life post integr*tion below x x x x x x x x x x x Weird time I’m having now. Sort of being really aware of how I am _not_ being dissy. Let’s see… it’s like I am very aware of how I am everyone all the time. It is a very good sensation but very noticable. I tried to think of some examples and my mind went blank Really, the sensation is happening! I guess the strongest example that comes to mind is my relationship with my SO. I feel very close to him right now and in ways that _I_ have never felt. I ‘remember’ feeling these ways _and_ know perfectly well that I have never felt this way. So it’s a blending of me and others in a new way. Oh yeah, another example I _finally_ got it all together to go back to the health club. I have gone to the health club at least three times a week since 1986 but had to stop when I was preg the first time and have not been able to get back there since due to nursing and being preg again and… Well, fritz is finally able to walk and play and get along with others in a way that makes me comfortable with leaving him in the health club daycare so I am back. I planned on going twice a week to start with but because he is having some separation anxiety stuff I am going once a day to give him a chance to get used to the place quickly and consistently. I could just sit around and read but instead I have been working out every day, just like I used to do (except that _I_ never did this:) I am just falling back into my old routine (I once spent time with a professional trainer for climbers to develop a routine of training). It involves one day of doing x and one day of doing y and one day of just stretching and so on. I used to _love_ doing this (well, _I_ didn’t but you know . Now I’m back into it (although I’m taking it easy cause I am not capable of doing what I used to do yet:) and it just feels so right, even though _I_ never did it before. Obviously someone(s) inside are back doing what they love. It’s pretty cool! Rainbow Colors (Jill) — The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.

Response:

nebraska…schyler? schuyler? /sky – ler/. that’s where we’ll be. 21, 22, 23, 24 of sept.

That’s when I’ll be in AL Oh well… Rainbow Colors (Jill) — The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.

Response:

Yeah *sigh* I remember feeling this way all the time. Now I feel that way only some of the time. Progress ~~ – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – getting better means just what, exactly? this whole thing is really Ok, so then you bring up very good point B What does it mean to get better. Well, for _me_ it meant not losing time, not feeling crazy, not having ptsd stuff get in my way, not lots of stuff. What do you think it might mean for you? I always figure that multiplicity is _not_ the problem in and of itself for most people. It is totally possible to live a just fine life and be multiple. It’s the ‘disorder’ aspect of multiplicity that gets in peoples way. So, what makes you stuck? What do you mean by stuck? What would being unstuck be like? How would being unstuck help you be more happy/functional/whatever? Yeah. Jill, I know most of this stuff. I could write it all out for you. But I don’t know how to -do- it! How to feel it. How to be. Sometimes it scares me to think of changing things, trying to change who the innards are and all of that. The i word. And other times I think that that should be the goal. maybe should isn’t a good word. Just that sometimes it seems to be the right goal. Better. I know that right now I am having a difficult time because the SO lost his job,

Yep. SO lost his job in March. So not only is he around 24/7 but he is arbitrarily _not_ around and I am stuck with the kids and no money to do anything to make it fun yet I _never_ get time to be not around cause we have no money and so what would I do… and we are selling our house and mostly because he is around me all

YIKES! At least I’m glad we won’t sell the house!!! We have no mortgage so keeping the house is a no brainer. Of course the flip side is that I am stuck in the mountains with two toddlers and no place to go and nothing to do ~~~ day long. All day. Every day. Hardly a moment without him. And although he is a wonderful man, and loves to be with me, it is being very hard to always have to function the way he expects. Do you understand this? For me it is more comfortable to be alone, and then

Yes, very very well. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -any innard activity is okay. I don’t have to be on guard all the time or something. Right now I am shutting down from being all the time with the SO. It is like eternal weekends. I hate weekends. It is also stuck in t’py I think. It feels like nothing is happening, and at the same time I know it isn’t happening because I won’t allow it to. Poor t. :0) I am making the stuck there. But for some reason, I guess. I’m not sure of it. It just is that way. No talking about anything important, please. No, the innards can’t come out. Yuck. See, so many people focus on being ‘normal’ or being like other people and they forget that if everyone was like everyone else the world would be _really_ boring! Yeah. I know that. I don’t want to be a boring Ordinary, but I do want to understand what it is they know. I know they know stuff that I don’t know about how to be. They seem to feel like they are real and belong and stuff. I know it isn’t always so for them, but there is some basic thing they can understand that I don’t. Weird. Hard to explain. I think you would do well to focus on what is making you so frustrated (at least that is what it sounds like to me when I read your words). It might turn out to not be related directly to the insiders but related to other stuff in your life. Yeah. Like the SO being here 24/7. And I’m afraid to ask him to give me some alone time. The t and I were working on it yesterday. Probably more tomorrow. He says it is a drummed in message that tells me all the time that I can’t have, can’t want. He’s right. But how to stop it… Like, right now I’m frustrated because we don’t have money to spend on things I’m used to buying. That clearly had nothing to do with multiplicity But I feel frustrated none the less. Once you can see what you are stuck about (what I am calling frustrated) then you might be able to see what to do to take that first step to getting unstuck. Like in my case I could get a job. That would clearly fix the problems we are having here. Would you like to go back to work? Teaching like you did? or something

Yes and no. What I did was very demanding, very very intense and something like 60 hr weeks all the time. No way I can do that ever again and give my kids what they deserve from me as a parent. So, no I will never to _that_ again. Working in a public school in CO is totally out. Heck, I won’t let my kids go to public school in CO much less work in one!!!! I am considering going back into t’py (as a t’pist:) like I once did. It can be a less intense job than teaching. I dunno. I’m also considering working at some part time job that is relatively mindless so I can _really_ be available to my kids as I personally believe a parent ’should’ be. I dunno. I’d also like to finally just coast and volunteer and goof off. I’ve been working full time (or more than full time) since I was 15! (loopholes and less rigid child labor laws way back then The only times I didn’t work full time I was in school full time or in the hosp or working on my thesis. The past few years I haven’t worked obviously cause now I’m a stay at home mom (this of course is a 24/7 job with no bathroom breaks). different. Who would take care of Fritz and Kidlet? I would like to do

I wouldn’t work at all until they were in school full time. This is assuming that they go to a school and I don’t home school them. something, but twice a week t’py an hour from here kind of messes up two days, and when I take pottery class there’s another. And the dis’bility won’t allow me to earn money, so I’m not even able to

Not at all? I thought people on dis could work up to so much a month. really get on with selling my pottery. I would like to do day care too, but who would hire a DIDer, and how would I do that with this

So why tell them? I agree that it wouldn’t work while you were in t’py so often but that won’t last forever you know t’py committment? I’m debating whether to take the early retirement next June or hang on until 2010 when I would have more money coming in. It’s a hard decision. my pension is pitiful enough and taking early pension is pitifuller. So there’s another frustration. Thanks. really stupid. I would like to get out of here. I would like everyone to leave me alone. Not you here, just the ones around me all day long. Ooh, I know _that_ feeling. Don’t you just wish you could stand up and scream at the top of your lungs GO AWAY!!!!!!! Wouldn’t that shock people and amaze them *wicked grin* then they would be really freaked. and I would be having to explain.

Nah, no explanation, just a very angelic smile as you walk away *wicked grin* And I don’t want that. Always behave as they expect you to. Yuck. Be good. Be nice. Be kind. Be stuff. Be what you are not really. Don’t let the little guys show, even in the toy store. Don’t buy them more monkeys even if they beg. Don’t let the baddies tell you to do stuff that would make outsiders angry or sad or hurt. don’t don’t don’t. Don’t be the selves. Be the body dragger and behave.

Thanks, Jill. You’ve helped me once again. EVerything is just making me crazy and pulled tight right now. No down time. jane

Sit back, grab a latte and read a good magazine. Some day I’m gonna get to do this. Until then, you can do it and I can live vicariously through you. Would you read ‘Climb*ng’ for me? Rainbow Colors (Jill, who actually got to read a newsletter today while the kids ran around:) — The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.

Response:

Hi, Jill, stuff interspersed…. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I feel stupid. I feel stuck and like this will never end. And I don’t want to let the insiders talk and I hate talking about them or any of this and that is stupid because I can’t get better if I don’t. But Well, I gotta disagree with this one I think. There is no ‘have to’ in healing. What probably works best is to figure out what you _do_ want to have happen and then work toward that as a goal. Like, in my case I wanted to stop having annoying ptsd stuff so I worked on that. In a round about way other things happened but that isn’t what I worked on. So, if you don’t want to talk to insiders figure out what you do want to do and work on that. My t tells me the same things. That what i want to happen should happen. He isn’t one to shove me toward anything in particular. which is good, maybe but maybe also bad. Sometimes I need someone to figure out what needs to happen next. I do have ptsd stuff too that happens, but not as much as it used to, so I guess I should be happy about that. There’s a lot of weirdity that I would like to have go away. I want to be Ordinary! With a capital Ord. Like the rest of them. The kind t says I am ‘extraordinary’ and not something to get rid of. Don’t know about that. I feel too weird and apart to think there’s anything worth keeping about me/us. Yeah *sigh* I remember feeling this way all the time. Now I feel that way only some of the time. Progress ~~

Sometimes I think about you when things are being awful and remember that somehow, even if I don’t understand it, you have progressed. do you like being a shining beacon in the night? ;0) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – getting better means just what, exactly? this whole thing is really Ok, so then you bring up very good point B What does it mean to get better. Well, for _me_ it meant not losing time, not feeling crazy, not having ptsd stuff get in my way, not lots of stuff. What do you think it might mean for you? I always figure that multiplicity is _not_ the problem in and of itself for most people. It is totally possible to live a just fine life and be multiple. It’s the ‘disorder’ aspect of multiplicity that gets in peoples way. So, what makes you stuck? What do you mean by stuck? What would being unstuck be like? How would being unstuck help you be more happy/functional/whatever? Yeah. Jill, I know most of this stuff. I could write it all out for you. But I don’t know how to -do- it! How to feel it. How to be. Sometimes it scares me to think of changing things, trying to change who the innards are and all of that. The i word. And other times I think that that should be the goal. maybe should isn’t a good word. Just that sometimes it seems to be the right goal. Better. I know that right now I am having a difficult time because the SO lost his job, Yep. SO lost his job in March. So not only is he around 24/7 but he is arbitrarily _not_ around and I am stuck with the kids and no money to do anything to make it fun yet I _never_ get time to be not around cause we have no money and so what would I do…

No little outside kids here any more. Grandboys sometimes, and all the time our dog collection. We have five all sizes and breeds. And the SO is great at ignoring the needing out signs even though he is just sitting there and I get to interrupt making dinner or something to take the pooch out. Frustrating. No money here either. I used to make sure that every day I did something fun and memorable with my little boys. Just going to see the pet shop was special when they were small. But you are too far for these kinds of trips aren’t you? Did you ever make them a tent? Just a blanket over a table will do, and then have a picnic in there. Particularly good when missing camping. What else… painting the sidewalk with water? Good cool fun. Painting the fence this way is fun too. A tub of water and stuff, plastic bowls, squeeqy bottles, sieves, stuff from around the house. Lots of fun. It doesn’t solve the gotta be wtih the kids all the time, but makes some fun for everyone. and we are selling our house and mostly because he is around me all YIKES! At least I’m glad we won’t sell the house!!! We have no mortgage so keeping the house is a no brainer. Of course the flip side is that I am stuck in the mountains with two toddlers and no place to go and nothing to do ~~~

We had no mortgage and then we bought the cottage and they insisted that the mortgage had to be on the house. So it is. Not big but there. When we sell, we will own both house and cottage. Which will take some pressure off me financially. day long. All day. Every day. Hardly a moment without him. And although he is a wonderful man, and loves to be with me, it is being very hard to always have to function the way he expects. Do you understand this? For me it is more comfortable to be alone, and then Yes, very very well.

Thank you. this is one of the hardest things for me right now. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – any innard activity is okay. I don’t have to be on guard all the time or something. Right now I am shutting down from being all the time with the SO. It is like eternal weekends. I hate weekends. It is also stuck in t’py I think. It feels like nothing is happening, and at the same time I know it isn’t happening because I won’t allow it to. Poor t. :0) I am making the stuck there. But for some reason, I guess. I’m not sure of it. It just is that way. No talking about anything important, please. No, the innards can’t come out. Yuck. See, so many people focus on being ‘normal’ or being like other people and they forget that if everyone was like everyone else the world would be _really_ boring! Yeah. I know that. I don’t want to be a boring Ordinary, but I do want to understand what it is they know. I know they know stuff that I don’t know about how to be. They seem to feel like they are real and belong and stuff. I know it isn’t always so for them, but there is some basic thing they can understand that I don’t. Weird. Hard to explain. I think you would do well to focus on what is making you so frustrated (at least that is what it sounds like to me when I read your words). It might turn out to not be related directly to the insiders but related to other stuff in your life. Yeah. Like the SO being here 24/7. And I’m afraid to ask him to give me some alone time. The t and I were working on it yesterday. Probably more tomorrow. He says it is a drummed in message that tells me all the time that I can’t have, can’t want. He’s right. But how to stop it… Like, right now I’m frustrated because we don’t have money to spend on things I’m used to buying. That clearly had nothing to do with multiplicity But I feel frustrated none the less. Once you can see what you are stuck about (what I am calling frustrated) then you might be able to see what to do to take that first step to getting unstuck. Like in my case I could get a job. That would clearly fix the problems we are having here. Would you like to go back to work? Teaching like you did? or something Yes and no. What I did was very demanding, very very intense and something like 60 hr weeks all the time. No way I can do that ever again and give my kids what they deserve from me as a parent. So, no I will never to _that_ again. Working in a public school in CO is totally out. Heck, I won’t let my kids go to public school in CO much less work in one!!!!

I understand completely. I taught little kids for years in the public system. It is an endless job, you dream kids, solve their problems in your sleep, everything you see you think of as potential teaching stuff. I taught special ed kids, who are my favorite kinds of people. But my kids were older when I went back to it. My youngest was in first year highschool, about 14, and he called me at noon because he missed having lunch with me at home. I am considering going back into t’py (as a t’pist:) like I once did. It can be a less intense job than teaching. I dunno.

Hmmm… t’py is easy? Not for my t’pist it isn’t! (just kidding) I have been told I would make a good t’pst. By my former and very bad t’pst. so I don’t know if that was a compliment or what… :0) Teaching is totally intense, though. I suppose t’py can be one human at at time, as opposed to a bunch. When my guys were little I worked at the Y in the preschool dept, and my littlest one came with me. He could stay in the programme with the other moms and kids or go to the baby sitting room. Then I became the head of the dept, and that was a little less okay for him, and then they wanted to make it full time and I refused. Three mornings a week in the sitting room was okay by him, but all day every day would have been too much. It was fun working with the mom and me programme, though. Not like regular teaching. I’m also considering working at some part time job that is relatively mindless so I can _really_ be available to my kids as I personally believe a parent ’should’ be.

My feelings exactly. Iwas fortunate in being able to stay at home with my kids for years. Then a divorce caused me to have to work, but they were a lot more able to deal with that then. ONly the part time Y work I did when they were little. Oh, and ran a play group in my kitchen for … read more »

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Snipperoonies. You’ll actually be better at being weird if it works like with me cause you will _all_ be weird at the same time Woooh. allofus weird at once will be pretty incredibly weird!!! Not sure the world is ready for us altogether! ) Maybe by the time we get there…

It sure is fun! I’ve always impressed the SO with my utter weirdness but lately I am so on a roll that I have been raised to a higher level of wowing him took me for a tour of unfamiliar territory once when we were supposed to be going to tpy. Scared me silly. Still haunts me because I don’t know how it happened. I drove around not knowing where I was for about an hour, before I found a landmark. It was terrifying. I thought of you and wondered if I was in Milwaukee!! I truly did! I don’t even know where that is! It is the biggest city in Wisconsin. If you know where Chicago is, it’s about an hour and a half north of Chicago along Lake Michigan. I do want to go to chicago sometime to see Fr*nk Ll*yd Wr*ght’s homes there. I love his work. Did my design project about him. simple

I think we talked about this before? I have a custom house and it is based on his stuff (mostly pra*rie style). Let’s see… it is altogether 5000 sq ft (counting the walk out basement). It is ‘bent’ in a ‘v’ so that many of the rooms aren’t square. It has a hip style roof. Umm, some day I’ve gotta put some pictures on the net as it is next to impossible to describe it I’ve decided because I have lots of books about him. It was like cheating to do it about him, just had to walk to my bookcase… I had to design something using his style, and designed a pendant, gold, using one of his stained glass window designs. Someday I’d like to see it all made. the pendant design that is. We are in southern ontario, so chicago isn’t too too far. But I"ve never been there. And now I know where milwaukee is too! You are a long way from there, aren’t you?

I am _now_ but I grew up just outside of Chicago and that is when I ended up in Milwaukee so much. I use cloth diapers. No diaper service will drive up here so I wash them myself as well. It’s really not a big deal, even with two kids in diapers. One big improvement is that I have all in one diapers. No pins (they snap) and no rubber pants or covers over the cloth. The diaper itself is a very thick piece of flannel that is sewn into the cotton cover. The cover snaps shut and has some sort of waterproofing built in (I think they impregnate the fabric with something when they are making it). It’s all one piece, goes on and off easily and just gets washed and dried, no problem. I never found washing diapers any big deal either. Those sound like cool diapers all in one. My dil tried some from a service, that were similar, but they leaked something fierce! Not pleasant. Do your guys ever snap them off? :0)

Of course And when kidlette does (so far she’s the only one who does it) I say ‘great, time to sit on the potty!’ Until she was about two and a half (aka potty training age, roughly) I made sure she always had on a shirt with snaps or pants. At the moment fritz always has on stuff so that he can’t unsnap things. The other big problem diapers used to have imo was the diaper pail. Now they have pails that are ‘odorless’ (well, sort of at least:) and are all sealed up until you open them to do wash. Yeah. diaper pails. I remember those. I had some blue stuff that I put in mine, a powder, that helped with odors and with getting them clean again. It wasn’t too bad at all. just fishing them out and into the washer was a treat, though. :0)

Mine go in a plastic bag. I could use a cloth bag come to think of it and wash it with the diapers *pondering* not a bad idea come to think of it Anyway, they are in a plastic bag and I pull out the entire bag, upend it into the washer and pitch the bag. Hmm, maybe I’ll get a cloth bag… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My, aren’t we on a tangent Long as we don’t end up in milwaukee! Unless we want to, of course. I do love to hear about everyone’s kids. I miss having some here. Sure, you may need years and years of supportive t’py to help get yourself re-organized as you grow and heal but supportive t’py is not the gut wrenching type of t’py you are thinking about right now. I’ve read about this. I think Colin’s book maybe. Yuck. It seems as if there will not be enough time in my life left to do all of this. I will be a ninety year old still needing shoring up through every stupid crisis. I sometimes think I would not want to d*e without Oh no! That isn’t what I meant. I mean, you go in and talk about how life now is different than before and how _odd_ it all is. It isn’t so much that you need your t’pist during a crisis; you mostly need them to just figure out how to function cause it is all of a sudden like you are on a different planet for a few years. Yeah. Can understand how this could be. thinking about i’tgr’tion is a different planet. Not even sure it is a friendly one. Totally unfathomable to me. I do know that I don’t understand a thing about it, how it would/will be, how singletons even function at all!!!

Yep, I spent close to two years asking my t’pist this _after_ blending I still don’t know how it works but it clearly does *grin* Seriously, I can’t imagine how their brain works. Is it quiet in their heads? Can’t imagine that. Who helps them figure stuff out!!!???

Well, it’s not quiet but it’s not noisy either. As for who helps, we all help, all at the same time but sort of like reading minds or whatever, not verbally. Weird! Who talks to them!? do they have singing in there? ARe they

We all talk to each other but again it’s like mind reading more than words. Yes there is _definitely_ singing (inside and out:) deliriously happy in the toystores? I do think, though, that I have

You gotta be kidding!!! I have _two_ toddlers with me in toy read somewhere that we of the many can get easily derailed if something big comes along even if we have become spuds. It makes sense

Guess it depends on the skills you learn before, during and after. I mean, I figure if something so monumental happens that dissociation is _the_ survival method of choice then yes I am gonna split like crazy. But then I figure I have a leg up on any poor sap who was born single and doesn’t know how to do it *grin* Remember, there is nothing wrong with dissociation per say. It’s just when it gets in the way of your functioning that it’s a problem and if I need to dissociate to survive it sure isn’t getting in the way It’s just that now I know many other ways to handle problems so that I get to make an informed decision ‘is now a time to dissociate?’ and I’d say most of the time it isn’t worth the effort and lack of functionality so I do something else. to me, that that could be possible, because this way of being is something perfected to deal with big stuff. Is it something that just will come naturally back into play if there is a large something to deal with? How is that avoidable? jane

Yep, but then I’ve taken it to an art form I think. I intentionally learned as I healed how to use dissociation to my advantage. Rather than go _away_ from it I took it as a natural talent and figured out how to use it when I wanted it. Like during childbirth. That is an _excellent_ time to dissociate!!!! Or when I had a pulmonary embolism. Supposedly those things are extremely painful. Not for me:) And I can use trance states for relaxation, to pass time when I’m bored and waiting in line, to have fun with day dreaming, to help boost my immune system, etc. You just have to have a t’pist who is willing to work with you on this and isn’t afraid to encourage you to learn to use your considerable skill in a positive way. Rainbow Colors (Jill) — The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.

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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Snipperoonies. You’ll actually be better at being weird if it works like with me cause you will _all_ be weird at the same time Woooh. allofus weird at once will be pretty incredibly weird!!! Not sure the world is ready for us altogether! ) Maybe by the time we get there… It sure is fun! I’ve always impressed the SO with my utter weirdness but lately I am so on a roll that I have been raised to a higher level of wowing him

My SO says he likes me even if I am weird. Encouraging, eh? (a Canuckian eh for you!) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – took me for a tour of unfamiliar territory once when we were supposed to be going to tpy. Scared me silly. Still haunts me because I don’t know how it happened. I drove around not knowing where I was for about an hour, before I found a landmark. It was terrifying. I thought of you and wondered if I was in Milwaukee!! I truly did! I don’t even know where that is! It is the biggest city in Wisconsin. If you know where Chicago is, it’s about an hour and a half north of Chicago along Lake Michigan. I do want to go to chicago sometime to see Fr*nk Ll*yd Wr*ght’s homes there. I love his work. Did my design project about him. simple I think we talked about this before? I have a custom house and it is based on his stuff (mostly pra*rie style). Let’s see… it is altogether 5000 sq ft (counting the walk out basement). It is ‘bent’ in a ‘v’ so that many of the rooms aren’t square. It has a hip style roof. Umm, some day I’ve gotta put some pictures on the net as it is next to impossible to describe it I’ve decided

No, we haven’t talked about FLW!!! I’ve found someone else who likes his work?! Amazing. Mostly people look at me like I’m nuts. I have been in one of his homes in Buffalo, with an art class I was taking. I grew up the extra kid of a doc and wife who taught me lots about art and FLW. The house in Buffalo was being restored, and we got to go through it the way it was. Your place sounds just amazing. Please let me know if you do get photos set up so I can see it. that would be wonderful. I knew you had a special house, that you guys built, but didn’t know of the FLW influence. GEEZ!! Look at the tangent we are off onto now! because I have lots of books about him. It was like cheating to do it about him, just had to walk to my bookcase… I had to design something using his style, and designed a pendant, gold, using one of his stained glass window designs. Someday I’d like to see it all made. the pendant design that is. We are in southern ontario, so chicago isn’t too too far. But I"ve never been there. And now I know where milwaukee is too! You are a long way from there, aren’t you? I am _now_ but I grew up just outside of Chicago and that is when I ended up in Milwaukee so much.

That would definitely ’splain it! :O) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I use cloth diapers. No diaper service will drive up here so I wash them myself as well. It’s really not a big deal, even with two kids in diapers. One big improvement is that I have all in one diapers. No pins (they snap) and no rubber pants or covers over the cloth. The diaper itself is a very thick piece of flannel that is sewn into the cotton cover. The cover snaps shut and has some sort of waterproofing built in (I think they impregnate the fabric with something when they are making it). It’s all one piece, goes on and off easily and just gets washed and dried, no problem. I never found washing diapers any big deal either. Those sound like cool diapers all in one. My dil tried some from a service, that were similar, but they leaked something fierce! Not pleasant. Do your guys ever snap them off? :0) Of course And when kidlette does (so far she’s the only one who does it) I say ‘great, time to sit on the potty!’ Until she was about two and a half (aka potty training age, roughly) I made sure she always had on a shirt with snaps or pants. At the moment fritz always has on stuff so that he can’t unsnap things.

Good move! How is Kidlette doing with the potty? Girls seem to ‘get it’ sooner than boys. My doc told me it was because there were fewer or shorter muscles involved. something like that. The other big problem diapers used to have imo was the diaper pail. Now they have pails that are ‘odorless’ (well, sort of at least:) and are all sealed up until you open them to do wash. Yeah. diaper pails. I remember those. I had some blue stuff that I put in mine, a powder, that helped with odors and with getting them clean again. It wasn’t too bad at all. just fishing them out and into the washer was a treat, though. :0) Mine go in a plastic bag. I could use a cloth bag come to think of it and wash it with the diapers *pondering* not a bad idea come to think of it Anyway, they are in a plastic bag and I pull out the entire bag, upend it into the washer and pitch the bag. Hmm, maybe I’ll get a cloth bag…

See? From tangents can come great ideas! You could make a bag easily, too. Nylon netting would be good. Do you have a sewing machine? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My, aren’t we on a tangent Long as we don’t end up in milwaukee! Unless we want to, of course. I do love to hear about everyone’s kids. I miss having some here. Sure, you may need years and years of supportive t’py to help get yourself re-organized as you grow and heal but supportive t’py is not the gut wrenching type of t’py you are thinking about right now. I’ve read about this. I think Colin’s book maybe. Yuck. It seems as if there will not be enough time in my life left to do all of this. I will be a ninety year old still needing shoring up through every stupid crisis. I sometimes think I would not want to d*e without Oh no! That isn’t what I meant. I mean, you go in and talk about how life now is different than before and how _odd_ it all is. It isn’t so much that you need your t’pist during a crisis; you mostly need them to just figure out how to function cause it is all of a sudden like you are on a different planet for a few years. Yeah. Can understand how this could be. thinking about i’tgr’tion is a different planet. Not even sure it is a friendly one. Totally unfathomable to me. I do know that I don’t understand a thing about it, how it would/will be, how singletons even function at all!!! Yep, I spent close to two years asking my t’pist this _after_ blending I still don’t know how it works but it clearly does *grin*

I guess there comes a point where one just has to give up and trust a little in this stuff? Not ready to do that yet here. Seriously, I can’t imagine how their brain works. Is it quiet in their heads? Can’t imagine that. Who helps them figure stuff out!!!??? Well, it’s not quiet but it’s not noisy either. As for who helps, we all help, all at the same time but sort of like reading minds or whatever, not verbally.

Interesting. I’m used to hearing stuff when figuring things out. It would be lonely without them I think. Weird! Who talks to them!? do they have singing in there? ARe they We all talk to each other but again it’s like mind reading more than words. Yes there is _definitely_ singing (inside and out:)

YAY!!! Singing is good. except when I was a kid and told my cousin there was always singing in the head she said not to tell anyone because they would think I was crazy. But I wasn’t. It was only the insiders singing. :0) deliriously happy in the toystores? I do think, though, that I have You gotta be kidding!!! I have _two_ toddlers with me in toy

I don’t have any toddlers, but grandtoddlers to buy for. They live too far to take with me, though. I do miss having kids around. Gotta fix that. the inside ones are still agitating to get a big monkey they saw. We have a monkey,(remember that several week quest to find just the right one?), but this one has even longer arms to hug us with. read somewhere that we of the many can get easily derailed if something big comes along even if we have become spuds. It makes sense Guess it depends on the skills you learn before, during and after. I mean, I figure if something so monumental happens that dissociation is _the_ survival method of choice then yes I am gonna split like crazy. But then I figure I have a leg up on any poor sap who was born single and doesn’t know how to do it *grin* Remember, there is nothing wrong with dissociation per say. It’s just when it gets in the way of your functioning that it’s a problem and if I need to dissociate to survive it sure isn’t getting in the way

Yeah. In a way I’m afraid to lose the ability in case I need it sometime. I’m just plain afraid to give up who I am, who I know I am for something that I have no idea about being. Is that weird? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – It’s just that now I know many other ways to handle problems so that I get to make an informed decision ‘is now a time to dissociate?’ and I’d say most of the time it isn’t worth the effort and lack of

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joining in… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Please see my replies throughout the following, Sorry, got kinda detailed yet very interesting & helpful to me, Dayzie…… Ok, I’ll give it a try to explain below your post so as to preserve the spoiler… Jill, please share more if you can. May I ask a specific question? Let me spoiler for talk of intgrtn… . . . . . . . When your parts integrated or joined, did they join one by one and, who did they join? The whole? What’s that? There is no whole for us to join. The host?

for us, it was basically one-by-one, except when 3 of the kids integrated at once. there wasn’t anyone to join into (no core or whatever — everyone was equally people, tho some had a larger role than others). whoever merged simply melded together into a new person who had the history and characteristics of whoever had merged together. it was kind of like tributaries of rivers flowing together — that was my metaphor. the blending of the various characteristics ended up doing things that kind of surprised us — it wasn’t like opposites cancelling each other out or anything. different strengths grew from the conjoining of separate strengths and weaknesses. one thing that did happen is that, although the joining was with each other rather than one into another, the characteristics of the new person seem to have been influenced in relation to the amount of life-energy the merging folks had used. i don’t know if that is clear or muddy. several different integrations happened at different times, so there were several new people who coalesced. then after the mergers, we kept living and collecting experiences, thus growing and changing. btw, we usually weren’t aware of a merger taking place until after the fact. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Jill writes… Um, it is always so confusing to explain. Let’s see, at first one of us decided she was getting in the way and so she just *poof* went away. Dayzie writes… I just watched a sad movie so we are feeling a bit emotional right now so ya know. When I read that, it broke my heart somewhere inside bc we have the same thing happening, one with a part who’s been MIA for over a year, I’m not sure why but being ‘in the way’ makes so much sense. Before I go on and read even one more line of your post, I wanted to acknowledge that just in what you’ve written so far, about the part leaving bc she felt she was getting in the way, I know that must have been a whole painful chapter in and of itself and her re-emergence (assuming she did come back). Jill writes… We were pretty devestated at first but then realized (after about two weeks) that she wasn’t gone she had just sort of divided up her ‘essense’ into three of us. Dayzie… Permanently? Let me read on.

nobody here went poof. one of us did integrate into everyone, kind of. she actually hadn’t lived in the body. she was the positive energy, and had just come to visit on occasion. we were surprised when she came back to stay and just kind of spread herself across everyone. Jill… As we continued healing and time passed some of us just sort of spontaneously joined with others of us. I don’t know why or how but it just happened pretty naturally and kind of like ‘oh, yeah, let’s do that’.

yup. totally naturally, but not planned for us. for us, it was more like: "oh, yeah, that must have happened. cool." – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Dayzie… We’ve had 4 join together, when it happened it was quite unexpected. It was our first joining and it did ‘just happen’ after a certain memory had been shared and worked through. I can feel them inside now, but, they no longer can talk like they used to. t used to ask if the one-who-was-4 wants to talk to him, but, it doesn’t happen and I don’t think there is a ‘one’ from the four, it feels more like raindrops in a cup, just them in the cup, but now that they’re so much more and joined, they cannot talk anymore. See? And where once they had specific needs and ideas and feelings… now they truly are a blend of those things. But, that seems elementary compared to what it will be like for so many adult parts to join. Age, gender, sexual orientation, modesty, lack of modesty, rude, timid, I mean, we want to join, yet we feel intimidated at the prospect and enormity of it. I know it will have to ‘happen’ in it’s way, we cannot make it happen, we even had a couple embarassing attempts which proved we cannot just ‘do’ it. So, this is why I asked you. Okay, reading on… Jill… One thing that helped us was that we did lots of hypnosis work with our t’pist and also on our own.

we didn’t do any of that. it just happened when and because it was the right way for us to grow. Dayzie… Our t won’t go there, period. He used to before he met us, but he won’t anymore. I asked him way early in treatment if he’d just hypnotize me and speed this along, but, he said he would never used it anymore. Darn.

our t used to work with hypnosis to try to get us *out* of trance, since we slipped into trance on our own a whole bunch. for a bunch of years, we basically lived in a trance. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Jill… We played a game where we all joined hands (while in a trance) and ran in a circle faster and faster until we swirled together into a blur. Then we would all fall down laughing and sometimes there would be fewer of us (well, not really but in the sense that some of us were blended). We did lots and _lots_ of very symbolic stuff like this during trance work cause it made sense to us individually and as a system. You’d have to figure out what makes sense to your group of course Dayzie… That’s such a beautiful picture of what you’s did together. Remember the four that I said joined? It was a similar thing that happened; they described it like four stars in the sky swirling like the Ori*n stars (film produc*r) until they spun into one, and then they all had "the same dress on now." It was sad for me and others, yet, as they joined and described it for the last time, they were very, very happy. I’m sorry. This is too hard, more later.

my metaphor of the rivers came after. we were only aware of a merging happening once while it was happening. that time, it was only a sudden jolt and the realization that it had just happened. Back… What is the ‘trance work’ you mentioned above? What you did during hypnosis? Jill… As we healed our t’pist said on more than one occassion that he thought Anna was the ‘core’ or original or whatever. We thought Jamie was. Dayzie… We went back and forth a couple times too.

we never thought we had one. we used to think the original had died, but then we figured either she had just split or there had never been an original. Jill… we blended and _I_ was the one ‘left’ (or whatever you call it, English really doesn’t work in this instance). I mean, I was not even a true alter, I was a facade, a partial… whatever you want to call it (I forget the technical term for it:).

i am everyone i used to be and i am different from everyone i used to be, since i’ve grown and changed since i was separate people. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Dayzie… I call it (myself in this instance) the Incomplete Presenter. Pretending to do, know, remember, understand, present all to the world, yet severely lacking in memory, feeling, comprehension of the dynamics of human relating. Blah. Yes, I am with you 100% here, except that I have recently, as in the past few months, come to realize that I am an alter or a part (another gut-wrenching chapter) and as incomplete as I am, I still think I’m a whole part or alter like the others bc none of us are complete. Just my instinctual personal take on something that yes, is hard to put to language, but in this place (asd) I feel I can actually attempt to. Jill… I was basically the liason between the outside world and the inside world. I wasn’t really a real person and _I_ was the one who was ‘it’. Talk about time! I mean, I was good at paying attention and doing detailed work like putting stuff back when I was done using it and now all of a Dayzie… I wouldn’t want to be ‘it’ either. Yet, as the barrier walls to emotion begin to crumble and I get more and more deep sadness and feeling and memories and things from other parts, wouldn’t it be that, it WILL be me, but, it WILL be them too? The whole stew, not just the carrots and gravy? We have the strength of the meat and the compassion in the onion and everyone else’s flavor of life (life skills) too? That’s what t says it will be like and that is what I see happening despite our long-standing resistance to such a thing. ;)

yup. that’s how it is for me. and as it keeps stewing, the flavors deepen and change. Jill… *shrug* I got used to it *huge grin*

yup, one does have to learn all those skills we didn’t have a chance to learn earlier. Dayzie… I’m only brainstorming with you and trying to understand inside. I’m apprehensive about integration yet want to eventually. Just need to feel along in the dark so I can feel safer.

i can guarantee that it can’t be planned, and that it will end up different than imagined. for me, it was only positive. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Jill… We personally never felt there was actually an original or something. Over time we have figured out that most likely what happened was that ‘I’ was the original and divided out so much and in such a way that I was just a shell or facade or veneer left. It

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I feel stupid. I feel stuck and like this will never end. And I don’t want to let the insiders talk and I hate talking about them or any of this and that is stupid because I can’t get better if I don’t. But Well, I gotta disagree with this one I think. There is no ‘have to’ in healing. What probably works best is to figure out what you _do_ want to have happen and then work toward that as a goal. Like, in my case I wanted to stop having annoying ptsd stuff so I worked on that. In a round about way other things happened but that isn’t what I worked on. So, if you don’t want to talk to insiders figure out what you do want to do and work on that.

My t tells me the same things. That what i want to happen should happen. He isn’t one to shove me toward anything in particular. which is good, maybe but maybe also bad. Sometimes I need someone to figure out what needs to happen next. I do have ptsd stuff too that happens, but not as much as it used to, so I guess I should be happy about that. There’s a lot of weirdity that I would like to have go away. I want to be Ordinary! With a capital Ord. Like the rest of them. The kind t says I am ‘extraordinary’ and not something to get rid of. Don’t know about that. I feel too weird and apart to think there’s anything worth keeping about me/us. getting better means just what, exactly? this whole thing is really Ok, so then you bring up very good point B What does it mean to get better. Well, for _me_ it meant not losing time, not feeling crazy, not having ptsd stuff get in my way, not lots of stuff. What do you think it might mean for you? I always figure that multiplicity is _not_ the problem in and of itself for most people. It is totally possible to live a just fine life and be multiple. It’s the ‘disorder’ aspect of multiplicity that gets in peoples way. So, what makes you stuck? What do you mean by stuck? What would being unstuck be like? How would being unstuck help you be more happy/functional/whatever?

Yeah. Jill, I know most of this stuff. I could write it all out for you. But I don’t know how to -do- it! How to feel it. How to be. Sometimes it scares me to think of changing things, trying to change who the innards are and all of that. The i word. And other times I think that that should be the goal. maybe should isn’t a good word. Just that sometimes it seems to be the right goal. Better. I know that right now I am having a difficult time because the SO lost his job, and we are selling our house and mostly because he is around me all day long. All day. Every day. Hardly a moment without him. And although he is a wonderful man, and loves to be with me, it is being very hard to always have to function the way he expects. Do you understand this? For me it is more comfortable to be alone, and then any innard activity is okay. I don’t have to be on guard all the time or something. Right now I am shutting down from being all the time with the SO. It is like eternal weekends. I hate weekends. It is also stuck in t’py I think. It feels like nothing is happening, and at the same time I know it isn’t happening because I won’t allow it to. Poor t. :0) I am making the stuck there. But for some reason, I guess. I’m not sure of it. It just is that way. No talking about anything important, please. No, the innards can’t come out. Yuck. See, so many people focus on being ‘normal’ or being like other people and they forget that if everyone was like everyone else the world would be _really_ boring!

Yeah. I know that. I don’t want to be a boring Ordinary, but I do want to understand what it is they know. I know they know stuff that I don’t know about how to be. They seem to feel like they are real and belong and stuff. I know it isn’t always so for them, but there is some basic thing they can understand that I don’t. Weird. Hard to explain. I think you would do well to focus on what is making you so frustrated (at least that is what it sounds like to me when I read your words). It might turn out to not be related directly to the insiders but related to other stuff in your life.

Yeah. Like the SO being here 24/7. And I’m afraid to ask him to give me some alone time. The t and I were working on it yesterday. Probably more tomorrow. He says it is a drummed in message that tells me all the time that I can’t have, can’t want. He’s right. But how to stop it… Like, right now I’m frustrated because we don’t have money to spend on things I’m used to buying. That clearly had nothing to do with multiplicity But I feel frustrated none the less. Once you can see what you are stuck about (what I am calling frustrated) then you might be able to see what to do to take that first step to getting unstuck. Like in my case I could get a job. That would clearly fix the problems we are having here.

Would you like to go back to work? Teaching like you did? or something different. Who would take care of Fritz and Kidlet? I would like to do something, but twice a week t’py an hour from here kind of messes up two days, and when I take pottery class there’s another. And the dis’bility won’t allow me to earn money, so I’m not even able to really get on with selling my pottery. I would like to do day care too, but who would hire a DIDer, and how would I do that with this t’py committment? I’m debating whether to take the early retirement next June or hang on until 2010 when I would have more money coming in. It’s a hard decision. my pension is pitiful enough and taking early pension is pitifuller. So there’s another frustration. Thanks. really stupid. I would like to get out of here. I would like everyone to leave me alone. Not you here, just the ones around me all day long. Ooh, I know _that_ feeling. Don’t you just wish you could stand up and scream at the top of your lungs GO AWAY!!!!!!! Wouldn’t that shock people and amaze them *wicked grin*

then they would be really freaked. and I would be having to explain. And I don’t want that. Always behave as they expect you to. Yuck. Be good. Be nice. Be kind. Be stuff. Be what you are not really. Don’t let the little guys show, even in the toy store. Don’t buy them more monkeys even if they beg. Don’t let the baddies tell you to do stuff that would make outsiders angry or sad or hurt. don’t don’t don’t. Don’t be the selves. Be the body dragger and behave. Thanks, Jill. You’ve helped me once again. EVerything is just making me crazy and pulled tight right now. No down time. jane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Rainbow Colors (Jill) Yuck. Iam too tired. jane

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I encourage you to visit our site on MPD http://angelfire.com/my/sherbear Hope it helps! — Sherry Labyrinth Of People http://angelfire.com/my/sherbear

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I feel stupid. I feel stuck and like this will never end. And I don’t want to let the insiders talk and I hate talking about them or any of this and that is stupid because I can’t get better if I don’t. But Well, I gotta disagree with this one I think. There is no ‘have to’ in healing. What probably works best is to figure out what you _do_ want to have happen and then work toward that as a goal. Like, in my case I wanted to stop having annoying ptsd stuff so I worked on that. In a round about way other things happened but that isn’t what I worked on. So, if you don’t want to talk to insiders figure out what you do want to do and work on that. getting better means just what, exactly? this whole thing is really Ok, so then you bring up very good point B What does it mean to get better. Well, for _me_ it meant not losing time, not feeling crazy, not having ptsd stuff get in my way, not lots of stuff. What do you think it might mean for you? I always figure that multiplicity is _not_ the problem in and of itself for most people. It is totally possible to live a just fine life and be multiple. It’s the ‘disorder’ aspect of multiplicity that gets in peoples way. So, what makes you stuck? What do you mean by stuck? What would being unstuck be like? How would being unstuck help you be more happy/functional/whatever? See, so many people focus on being ‘normal’ or being like other people and they forget that if everyone was like everyone else the world would be _really_ boring! I think you would do well to focus on what is making you so frustrated (at least that is what it sounds like to me when I read your words). It might turn out to not be related directly to the insiders but related to other stuff in your life. Like, right now I’m frustrated because we don’t have money to spend on things I’m used to buying. That clearly had nothing to do with multiplicity But I feel frustrated none the less. Once you can see what you are stuck about (what I am calling frustrated) then you might be able to see what to do to take that first step to getting unstuck. Like in my case I could get a job. That would clearly fix the problems we are having here. really stupid. I would like to get out of here. I would like everyone to leave me alone. Not you here, just the ones around me all day long. Ooh, I know _that_ feeling. Don’t you just wish you could stand up and scream at the top of your lungs GO AWAY!!!!!!! Wouldn’t that shock people and amaze them *wicked grin* Rainbow Colors (Jill) Yuck. Iam too tired. jane — The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.

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