Question:
Not pity. Just like I said. We feel the same way. If we find a way to help we’ll let you know. If we had a car right now, we’d think the same probably. No bother w/ meds either if had them to get more. Probably would attempt to get the air conditioner fixed. Just cause keep kids (inner) feeling ok if possible until "whenever". Not their fault. I have absolutely no idea what to do or to suggest to make things differently. Nobody dos anything here, why would we think it could help there instead? so glad somebody -gets- it. sorry you’re there, too. not a good place to be. not good at all.
i think quite a few ppl get it. it’s very familiar territory to me. a t keeping me there for an extra hour (was it all extra?) probably would have been very bad for me. and, yeah, i think those promises about calling a T are stupid, too. like i’d call anyone if i were going to off myself. :-/ i’ve told all my Ts: "if i call, will you help me do it?" [no] "then why would i call?" :-/ <g i do tell them i will call them (it’s the only way to blow them off ime) but i figure (and i tell them this) if i’m going to call them, i’m ambivalent about suicide. and since all they’d do is freak and, e.g., sometimes make oblique threats about hospitalization, which only makes things worse, if i’m that ambivalent i’d either call someone else who’s better about dealing with it or else check myself into a hospital. but i don’t do those things bc what’s the point? it’s all "blah, blah, blah" afaics. gee, aren’t i cheery? i wish i had some advice. i really don’t know how to help except to say that if you want to talk, i’ll listen. i think lots of ppl here will. i don’t think it’s self-pity. from what i’ve seen, you’ve been working hard to try to figure out how to deal with things. i know that i’ve seen many ppl here go through this. sometimes it only lasts a few days, sometimes for much longer. i’m almost certain that it will change eventually. Ok one idea -though haven’t done self yet. Go to the link I gave the other day for free online books. One about depression and some "life 101" books looked good. Really. Why not. Have nothing else to lose right? May as well give a shot. Pick one and start reading a little bit online. Make self do it for 5 minutes. Only comit to that. That’s all. Five minutes minimum. Then can stop but at least 5. See if anything there helps the right way. I like one of this persons books. only skimmed others but maybe good too. Looks like to me anyway. Maybe. http://www.mcwilliams.com i went here. depression. picked a couple chapters and read. really liked. thanks. will probably read some more…
thanks for the tip, Melissa. take care, e – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -diane the t kept me for an hour on friday. he was worried. so much anger. so much hurt. feeling trapped in a corner. and something he hadn’t seen before…passively s*icid*l. he’s never seen it because i’ve just never expressed it before. when he finally let me leave, after extracting all the necessary promises to call if things got bad (i don’t keep promises anymore to people – people are betrayers of trust), i was to focus on just the basics this week. just the things that needed attention to provide safety and health and comfort. get the brakes fixed on my car, have the air conditioning repaired in my apartment, call in refills for my meds, try to make my apartment a little more livable. when i left, i went and spent some time at my favorite waterfall, and calmed for a few minutes. then i just wanted to jump in and clean off all the filth of my rage, the dirt of my despair, and make myself clean for not-being anymore. i thought about not getting the brakes fixed, about allowing them to further deteriorate and just let what happens happen. i am very calm and relaxed with that thought. no thoughts to share, no self-denigrating…i won’t self-pity here. because that’s how some see it, isn’t it? *shrug* don’t care anymore. others don’t matter to me anymore. i don’t matter to me anymore. and the why isn’t important. — "X-No-Archive: yes" is (hopefully) automatically included in the headers of all of my posts. Please write X-No-Archive: yes as the first line of any post replying to one of my posts. Thank you. 
– For info about this service, see http://www.twwells.com/anon/ or e-mail:
Response:
Yay Good. Glad you like it I’ve been meaning to get to those. More immediate problem for me is getting laundry and food and garbage
oh wow, you’re doing laundry? i’ve been just pulling stuff out of the hamper to wear. no food in the ‘fridge, and all my dishes are in the sink. i finally did put the garbage out this week, though. and getting bugs away.
i don’t have those bugs, but i do get little gnats in my kitchen when i don’t do dishes after awhile. *shrug* If we can get that done, which is sooooooo hard and take so much time, then hopefully can start something like that. Hope books keep helping.
i’m sorting through bills now. seems i missed my car insurance again this month. oh well… diane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text — "X-No-Archive: yes" is (hopefully) automatically included in the headers of all of my posts. Please write X-No-Archive: yes as the first line of any post replying to one of my posts. Thank you.
Response:
Hello Melissa, I have been reading your posts and feel I am gaining a better understanding of what you are struggling to overcome. First, I’d like to say that my thoughts are with you. Hang in there, ok. My other thought concerns other possible resources in the county (?) that perhaps you have yet to try?… County Mental Health, Social Services, women’s referral services, b*ttered (a) women’s hotline to ask if they have or know of any services/referrals dealing with PTSD, anxiety conditions, possibly agoraphobia (?). Ask to speak to supervisors bc they are usually older/more seasoned in the area and may have contacts. I’d advise asking any referrals that don’t pan out if they know of anyone you might try. You might also try doing some online searches on PTSD, agoraphobia/anxiety conditions to see if other websites might have a therapist directory, as well as, other useful supportive information that you might be able to put to use. Since you are interested and have been actively seeking therapeutic assistance, it might help to know what therapeutic approaches tends to produce the desired results so when looking for a therp in your area, you have a better idea of what questions might be useful to ask to increase your chances for a better match, etc. You may have already done all of this and came up empty as you have. If that’s the case and there really isn’t anyone in your area who deals with PTSD/anxiety experiences such as yours who can supply you with assistance…. then yes, I’d say that you really are on your own. Scary huh? I believe in you, Melissa. And I believe that it is entirely possible and doable to do self-therapy, to set some realistic and achievable goals, to work diligently towards achieving them and have ultimate success and do so, completely on your own. It’d be nice and sounds preferrable to have someone and that may not be possible. Perhaps this difficult situation is one of those cleverly disguised opportunities to remind you of what you are truly capable of achieving? Either way, alone or with another… I believe you can get through this and beyond. Trust in yourself … a little bit at a time, ok. *softly said* I hope this helps. Sierra of TN PS. Whatever bugs you have going, I hope they are gone real real soon; it can’t be at all comfy with those things around. : o( You should see what I’m like when we have had an infestation here…. trust me, it’s not a pretty picture.
Response:
i think quite a few ppl get it. it’s very familiar territory to me. a t keeping me there for an extra hour (was it all extra?)
no, just the full hour. he’d never do that if -i- wanted/needed to. and he’d -never- keep me an extra hour, even if i was h*nging off his balcony. won’t make extra appointments, either. probably would have been very bad for me. and, yeah, i think those promises about calling a T are stupid, too. like i’d call anyone if i were going to off myself. :-/ i’ve told all my Ts: "if i call, will you help me do it?" [no] "then why would i call?" :-/ <g i do tell them i will call them (it’s the only way to blow them off ime)
yep, that’s why i finally told him i would. only way i could get out of his f*cking office without him seriously considering the hospital. don’t they realize that we -know- how to play their game? but i figure (and i tell them this) if i’m going to call them, i’m ambivalent about suicide.
yeah, but when i’m ambivalent, i don’t want to talk to -him-. and the people i want/need to talk to, the people that bring me hope, are gone now. so i go from ambivalent, to pretty damn close to the edge. which is where i’ve been lingering for quite some time now. and since all they’d do is freak and, e.g., sometimes make oblique threats about hospitalization, which only makes things worse, if i’m that ambivalent i’d either call someone else who’s better about dealing with it or else check myself into a hospital. but i don’t do those things bc what’s the point? it’s all "blah, blah, blah" afaics. gee, aren’t i cheery? i wish i had some advice. i really don’t know how to help except to say that if you want to talk, i’ll listen. i think lots of ppl here will. i don’t think it’s self-pity. from what i’ve seen, you’ve been working hard to try to figure out how to deal with things.
guess i’m running out of ideas, except to hang on, and that’s getting very old. i know that i’ve seen many ppl here go through this. sometimes it only lasts a few days, sometimes for much longer. i’m almost certain that it will change eventually.
thanks, e.
Response:
Oh obviously you haven’t been following my threads <g.
ok, i confess. i haven’t been. asd is triggery as all h*ll for me, so i am very careful what i read. Yes, my brain(s) seem to have decided that we’re not going outside. We’ve tried. I ‘ve also been trying to get help because we keep getting worse and worse but have had absolutely zero luck. So since we kept thinking we’d get over this and go outside soon we just waited. Well we’re worse and there’s 5 loads of laundry and the laundromat is 4 blocks away.
not good. i guess since you’re in the house all the time you’re not working…don’t suppose you could afford a laundry service…just once? i know i couldn’t. i can’t afford to pay my g & e bill… So we’ve started doing it in the tub 
Washing in the tub is bad enough but there isn’t enough room to actually hang stuff to dry, and I don’t have any rope or cord to string up to make more hanging up space. What I do hang takes 1-2 days and is still damp. then there’s the bed w/ sheets that are now about 4 weeks old and we think there’s little mites or something but we can’t clean that until we get clean sheets etc.
yes, i do recall reading about that… As for groceries, we’ve been trying soem online places but we couldn’t do that until earlier this week because we couldn’t/wouldnt go into the hall to accept deliveries.
Oh, did I mention we have no voice now too? It makes things a little more complicated.
well…yeah, a bit. ok, off track a bit here, maybe. you were the one who posted about the friend who was driving you nuts, right? anyway you could send her off on one of these many -essential- tasks you need done (the not talking could be explained by a severe case of laryngitis brought on by something contagious, if you want her to stay outside your apt)? Oh and as for garbage…. this is normal(not!) Ready? We’re WASHING it all now!!!!! Anything. Everthing. All every garbage gets washed and dried before being thrown out now to remove any food things to try having no more bugs from now on.
hmm..ok, wish i could say i hadn’t heard of that before, but…my grm*ther used to do that all the time. and, well, she did it for the same reasons (to keep bugs out of the house), only it was a normal routine. so it looks like you’re not -quite- as wacko as you thought. (sorry!) Bills? Wish we were thinking ok enough for that. We’ve been hoping to. If we can get the laundry stuff and mites stuff gone ok, maybe we can focus on that soon. I don’t know anymore. We tried so hard to get help. Called new, current and old tpst. Very hesitatingly tried calling 2 friends. Neither came through.
i’m sorry. it’s hard for people – esp. the people who purport to care and love us – to be there for us when they see us in a light that is different. i think the intensity of our need scares them. Was very important we not be like this right now. Scr*w everybody else. Stuck here forever now. Hate people. Wish they liked me. Not "me" they want me to be all the time. Just me.
just as you are. i understand. keep writing. i’ll listen. i do kinda understand. diane
Response:
i think quite a few ppl get it. it’s very familiar territory to me. a t keeping me there for an extra hour (was it all extra?) no, just the full hour. he’d never do that if -i- wanted/needed to. and he’d -never- keep me an extra hour, even if i was h*nging off his balcony. won’t make extra appointments, either.
<sigh that bites. i know that it’s been a real struggle for you lately and that you’ve sometimes wanted your T to be more available. is he working with you to find other resources to help you get through these rough times? it really seems like you could use some extra support now. i wish that you could find some. probably would have been very bad for me. and, yeah, i think those promises about calling a T are stupid, too. like i’d call anyone if i were going to off myself. :-/ i’ve told all my Ts: "if i call, will you help me do it?" [no] "then why would i call?" :-/ <g i do tell them i will call them (it’s the only way to blow them off ime) yep, that’s why i finally told him i would. only way i could get out of his f*cking office without him seriously considering the hospital. don’t they realize that we -know- how to play their game?
i know. and what dif does it make if we off ourselves anyway? oh, gee, i guess i won’t kill myself bc my T will be angry/hurt/disappointed if i do. :-/ but i figure (and i tell them this) if i’m going to call them, i’m ambivalent about suicide. yeah, but when i’m ambivalent, i don’t want to talk to -him-.
exactly. my T and pdoc would trigger me and make me more suicidal, not less. so i don’t think i should call either of them if i were ambivalent. for some reason, they don’t get that, though. my last T did but he seemed to be the only one. and the people i want/need to talk to, the people that bring me hope, are gone now.
:( are they gone for good? i’ve been reading your posts but i can’t figure out if their inconsistency is driving you away from them or if they’re leaving you or what’s going on. i dunno, diane, but it seems to me that you’d be able to make some good friends both online and in RL. you’re smart, kind, and insightful. you seem like you’d be a good friend. one thing i wanted to say in response to your earlier post: i know that it’s hard to deal with inconsistent friends. however, lots of times when ppl are inconsistent or unavailable, it’s bc there’s a lot of stuff going on for them. i know that’s true for many ppl here and also for some of my RL friends. so maybe you’re assuming that ppl don’t care about you when they really do. so i go from ambivalent, to pretty damn close to the edge. which is where i’ve been lingering for quite some time now.
ew. i wish i had something helpful to say. i like you and would really like to be able to help you but i’ve been running on empty for so long that i think i’m long past dizzy from the fumes. snip from what i’ve seen, you’ve been working hard to try to figure out how to deal with things. guess i’m running out of ideas, except to hang on, and that’s getting very old.
i hear ya. hanging on is ok if you can see that it’s temporary, if you’re pretty sure that there’s a way out besides death. i know that i’ve seen many ppl here go through this. sometimes it only lasts a few days, sometimes for much longer. i’m almost certain that it will change eventually. thanks, e.
you’re welcome. i hope that it gets better real soon. take care, e — For info about this service, see http://www.twwells.com/anon/ or e-mail:
Response:
Not pity. Just like I said. We feel the same way. If we find a way to help we’ll let you know. If we had a car right now, we’d think the same probably. No bother w/ meds either if had them to get more. Probably would attempt to get the air conditioner fixed. Just cause keep kids (inner) feeling ok if possible until "whenever". Not their fault. I have absolutely no idea what to do or to suggest to make things differently. Nobody dos anything here, why would we think it could help there instead?
so glad somebody -gets- it. sorry you’re there, too. not a good place to be. not good at all. Ok one idea -though haven’t done self yet. Go to the link I gave the other day for free online books. One about depression and some "life 101" books looked good. Really. Why not. Have nothing else to lose right? May as well give a shot. Pick one and start reading a little bit online. Make self do it for 5 minutes. Only comit to that. That’s all. Five minutes minimum. Then can stop but at least 5. See if anything there helps the right way. I like one of this persons books. only skimmed others but maybe good too. Looks like to me anyway. Maybe. http://www.mcwilliams.com
i went here. depression. picked a couple chapters and read. really liked. thanks. will probably read some more… diane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – the t kept me for an hour on friday. he was worried. so much anger. so much hurt. feeling trapped in a corner. and something he hadn’t seen before…passively s*icid*l. he’s never seen it because i’ve just never expressed it before. when he finally let me leave, after extracting all the necessary promises to call if things got bad (i don’t keep promises anymore to people – people are betrayers of trust), i was to focus on just the basics this week. just the things that needed attention to provide safety and health and comfort. get the brakes fixed on my car, have the air conditioning repaired in my apartment, call in refills for my meds, try to make my apartment a little more livable. when i left, i went and spent some time at my favorite waterfall, and calmed for a few minutes. then i just wanted to jump in and clean off all the filth of my rage, the dirt of my despair, and make myself clean for not-being anymore. i thought about not getting the brakes fixed, about allowing them to further deteriorate and just let what happens happen. i am very calm and relaxed with that thought. no thoughts to share, no self-denigrating…i won’t self-pity here. because that’s how some see it, isn’t it? *shrug* don’t care anymore. others don’t matter to me anymore. i don’t matter to me anymore. and the why isn’t important. — "X-No-Archive: yes" is (hopefully) automatically included in the headers of all of my posts. Please write X-No-Archive: yes as the first line of any post replying to one of my posts. Thank you.
Response:
the t kept me for an hour on friday. he was worried. so much anger. so much hurt. feeling trapped in a corner. and something he hadn’t seen before…passively s*icid*l. he’s never seen it because i’ve just never expressed it before. when he finally let me leave, after extracting all the necessary promises to call if things got bad (i don’t keep promises anymore to people – people are betrayers of trust), i was to focus on just the basics this week. just the things that needed attention to provide safety and health and comfort. get the brakes fixed on my car, have the air conditioning repaired in my apartment, call in refills for my meds, try to make my apartment a little more livable. when i left, i went and spent some time at my favorite waterfall, and calmed for a few minutes. then i just wanted to jump in and clean off all the filth of my rage, the dirt of my despair, and make myself clean for not-being anymore. i thought about not getting the brakes fixed, about allowing them to further deteriorate and just let what happens happen. i am very calm and relaxed with that thought. no thoughts to share, no self-denigrating…i won’t self-pity here. because that’s how some see it, isn’t it? *shrug* don’t care anymore. others don’t matter to me anymore. i don’t matter to me anymore. and the why isn’t important.
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