Trauma – PTSD

Question:

To Jen (2) Macedamia I now know why I am revolting against your name.. I can’t spell it with out looking it up.  LOL I lost your wonderful reply to my post about being us instead of me.  :o((((((( So here goes from memory?  LOL  This should be a short post then. Well I have to say my SO has been understanding. He may not want to talk about it, but he has been very supportive in a lot of ways.  When the dx first came up last year this time…His response.. was "no way, that can’t be you."  That was before I was officially dxd….it was just being tossed around. So I had great fear when I was officially dxd that it would freak him out.  In fact I didn’t tell him for a couple of months.  We already have some issues due to distance (we are both in different states), communicating.  I finally got the nerve after we started talking about the movie "fight club".  (if you are easily triggered I suggest you NOT see it) He didn’t say much at the time.  I told him I am no different now, then I have been all the years you have known me.  I am not magically going to become "sybil".  I have shared some of Poet’s poetry with him.  He occassionally asks how is therapy going.  As I said, I think it takes a while for a non-dissoid to assimulate what being DID really is.  They only know what TV land has shown them.  So I don’t push it on him.  I was visiting him in September and for some reason I was triggered really badly and had a full blown flashback.  I was sitting on the kitchen floor in his house, shaking like a leaf.  All he did was come sit down next to me on the floor.  He didn’t try to touch me or talk to me, he just sat next to me.  I was babbling and crying and heaven knows I don’t even know what I was saying, except that dinner was going to be late.  He just listened and sat.  Later on when I was feeling much more stable I asked him for a safe hug, cause I was still all jittery inside.  With that hug, it was like he made everything safe. I have never known that before and it was a very special feeling.  I had never fallen apart like that in front of anyone.  I had never allowed anyone to see that side of me.  So okay, maybe he isn’t big on talking about it.  :o)  But I do know he does understand and is learning I am not going to be any different then who I am and have been.  Except now I have a much better understanding of who I(we) are. Safari

Response:

Hi Safari, Donchya hate it when your news service just deletes half the good messages? (I do, mine’s a cheapy when it comes to space.) Sounds like we have similar partners. I might trim a little of your response and copy it to him if you do not mind? (Sans e-mail etc.) Fight Club was great as I told him the deal, and he was dumbfounded by the idea and couldn’t get over how I figured it out. What’s also weird about my partner is he is great at disassociating; I mean in some ways he’s way better than me at being absent in his body. Maybe some of the stuff is triggering him. I think it’s possible. Sounds like your partner knew how to handle your flashback well? (Hard to always tell from words, but it sounded good.) Take care, Macademia

Response:

Hello, Macedemia and Safari,     I didn’t see the original post, but I think that I am fortunate to have a SO who seems a lot as you describe here, Safari.  Sometimes it is frustrating to me that he doesn’t read about DID, and I wonder if he knows enough about what’s going on. But on the other hand, he isn’t questioning me and doesn’t treat me any differently now from before dx. I believe he was afraid at the beginning, when after a couple of months I told him the dx. I was afraid of losing him, losing the way we are together. I really wanted things to go on as always, not to have him watching me or worrying all the time. The Syb*l thing, as you have said. So even if he doesn’t really understand this mess of mine, he treats me like I’m the same person, which I AM! For that I am grateful. jane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – To Jen (2) Macedamia I now know why I am revolting against your name.. I can’t spell it with out looking it up.  LOL I lost your wonderful reply to my post about being us instead of me.  :o((((((( So here goes from memory?  LOL  This should be a short post then. Well I have to say my SO has been understanding. He may not want to talk about it, but he has been very supportive in a lot of ways.  When the dx first came up last year this time…His response.. was "no way, that can’t be you."  That was before I was officially dxd….it was just being tossed around. So I had great fear when I was officially dxd that it would freak him out.  In fact I didn’t tell him for a couple of months.  We already have some issues due to distance (we are both in different states), communicating.  I finally got the nerve after we started talking about the movie "fight club".  (if you are easily triggered I suggest you NOT see it) He didn’t say much at the time.  I told him I am no different now, then I have been all the years you have known me.  I am not magically going to become "sybil".  I have shared some of Poet’s poetry with him.  He occassionally asks how is therapy going.  As I said, I think it takes a while for a non-dissoid to assimulate what being DID really is.  They only know what TV land has shown them.  So I don’t push it on him.  I was visiting him in September and for some reason I was triggered really badly and had a full blown flashback.  I was sitting on the kitchen floor in his house, shaking like a leaf.  All he did was come sit down next to me on the floor.  He didn’t try to touch me or talk to me, he just sat next to me.  I was babbling and crying and heaven knows I don’t even know what I was saying, except that dinner was going to be late.  He just listened and sat.  Later on when I was feeling much more stable I asked him for a safe hug, cause I was still all jittery inside.  With that hug, it was like he made everything safe. I have never known that before and it was a very special feeling.  I had never fallen apart like that in front of anyone.  I had never allowed anyone to see that side of me.  So okay, maybe he isn’t big on talking about it.  :o)  But I do know he does understand and is learning I am not going to be any different then who I am and have been.  Except now I have a much better understanding of who I(we) are. Safari

Response:

Hi jane & Macademia (hey I am getting better at spelling that word… )  ) jane first of all I agree whole heartedly.  the most important thing to me when I told people I chose to share the dx with is– I am NO different now, then I was before.  I don’t wanted to be treated as such either.  You don’t have to walk on egg shells, you don’t have to monitor what you say etc.  I am not some fragile person (okay sometims) that you have to walk around lightly.  I know of all the people I shared my dx with, it did take some time for them to understand that what they perceive to be MPD is not necessarily the case.  When I found out a friend of mine had been doing some web research on the topic.  She called me one day asking all these questions….. I gave her the same advice my T gave me when this was first coming out.  Beware of the internet…DID or dissociation of any kind is a very controversial subject.  There are some in the MH who don’t believe it exists or is schizophrenia/there are some who believe it exists but on a very small scale/there are those who say Ts are implanting F*ls* M*m*r*e in our minds and then there are those in the MH area that knows it exists and much more then it is reported.  To this day on my insurance, my T still only reports that I am PTSD. Her response was awwww now my research makes sense.  :o)  As for your SO reading up on DID — well I would of bet money my SO hadn’t– yet how would he know to ask, is *ntergr*tion your goal. LOL I was thinking aawww someone has been doing a bit of research.  :o)   As I said I don’t push it on him– I told him if he has questions or comments I am open about talking about it with him.  So jane, you never know.  As I said what mattered to me most was, just don’t treat me any differently.  I am still me– you just didn’t know there were me(s).. LOL Safari

Response:

Thanks, Safari,    I have told my SO that I will answer questions. If I can!!! Sometimes I don’t know the answers, either. He did read a couple of books at the beginning of this journey, and that seems to be enough for him. I’m glad that he doesn’t talk about it all the time. I am still me. Mostly! :0) jane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi jane & Macademia (hey I am getting better at spelling that word… )  ) jane first of all I agree whole heartedly.  the most important thing to me when I told people I chose to share the dx with is– I am NO different now, then I was before.  I don’t wanted to be treated as such either.  You don’t have to walk on egg shells, you don’t have to monitor what you say etc.  I am not some fragile person (okay sometims) that you have to walk around lightly.  I know of all the people I shared my dx with, it did take some time for them to understand that what they perceive to be MPD is not necessarily the case.  When I found out a friend of mine had been doing some web research on the topic.  She called me one day asking all these questions….. I gave her the same advice my T gave me when this was first coming out.  Beware of the internet…DID or dissociation of any kind is a very controversial subject.  There are some in the MH who don’t believe it exists or is schizophrenia/there are some who believe it exists but on a very small scale/there are those who say Ts are implanting F*ls* M*m*r*e in our minds and then there are those in the MH area that knows it exists and much more then it is reported.  To this day on my insurance, my T still only reports that I am PTSD. Her response was awwww now my research makes sense.  :o)  As for your SO reading up on DID — well I would of bet money my SO hadn’t– yet how would he know to ask, is *ntergr*tion your goal. LOL I was thinking aawww someone has been doing a bit of research.  :o)   As I said I don’t push it on him– I told him if he has questions or comments I am open about talking about it with him.  So jane, you never know.  As I said what mattered to me most was, just don’t treat me any differently.  I am still me– you just didn’t know there were me(s).. LOL Safari

Response:

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