Trauma – PTSD

Question:

This is so hard. My T suggested that I try out how it feels to accept that in their minds I am bad. I’ll start to feel better, but then slip into believing it myself (I’m bad). I’m so bleeping tired of this. I finally got an email from them – it was there Tuesday when I got back from T. From her, no subject line.  Just thanks for the beanies, they were cute. That was it. If it hadn’t been preceded by ignoring one email telling them of my new email address, one telling them my web page address, an email telling them I was glad the semester was over and I was seeing the neurologist and my meds were being changed, a card sent snail mail wishing her a late Mother’s day, all unanswered…this email might have meant something. I’d told my T initially that -I- hadn’t been in contact with them.  After a few minutes she said she thought I’d said I hadn’t been in contact with them and yet I’d just told her about all of these things… Light bulb!  Oh, I should have said they haven’t been in contact with me.   Asked her, you don’t expect me to differentiate between me and them, do you? She said oh no, it isn’t like that is an important T’peutic issue.   We joke a lot. Hmm, just this moment occurred to me maybe I am thinking now I am bad for not responding to her email, for not just sucking up the crumb offered me. Yup, yup.  So like with the other stuff T asked me what I didn’t do that I should have.   I should have immediately responded, being grateful that my mother actually used email.  I should never have remembered the ab*se, or corresponded with sis in law about it, who left printed out email laying about so bro read and called and told parents what I was "accusing" father of. Really, let me be honest….I should never have been born…better yet not conceived.  The mother unit used laxatives to kick me out of her body. Plus I was an "accident", which I found out from sis in law, who the mother unit chose to tell before she told me. Not fair, not fair.  I didn’t choose to "be". Living in Arizona, I can’t help but be aware of the de*th of Barry Goldwater.   Though my views were often very different from his, I still admired him so much. Yesterday at the fitness center, the tv’s were all tuned to his memorial service.  I turned my walkman to NPR which was carrying it as well. His brother told wonderful stories about him. I kept reflecting on what a long, full life Barry Goldwater had led.  It brought up anger which I used in my workout.  Anger that my life has been so extremely different and difficult. I laughed a lot at the anecdotes.  How Barry had marketed in the family business "Antsy Pants."  Boxer shorts with big red ants on them.  Slogan: You’ll rant and dance when you’ve got ants in your pants. Sound familiar, Mick? The humor was wonderful and it seemed so appropriate to mark the end of this long, distinguished life. But it made me think how little I have to show for my life. And also how not tragic the end of life can seem, when it has been lived to the fullest for a long time. For some reason I keep thinking of Robert Heinlein too.  The science fiction author.  Another extraordinary life. Sis in law and I have ventured down to Colorado Spgs from Denver to see Air Force Academy (aka Star Fleet Academy haha, we see the Vulcan cadets there) and the house Heinlein lived in (well one of them). Dreams, so many dreams. Sis in law and I used to hike in Colorado and dream of how things might be for us in the future.  Nothing turned out that way. Back then it never occurred to me I had ADHD, ptsd, DID or a history of inc*st. Sometimes I hate real*ty.   Better splat that, one of the nastiest words of all. So anyhow, in their eyes I am bad and probably always will be.  Not fair. Depressing. And yet easier to accept, since it is true.  Easier than knocking myself out, not being true to myself trying to change things that will never change. Really sad for the loss, the loss of what never was.  Sad for the loss of the illusions. Feels like a whole new, scary, lonely world.  Objectively no more so now, but subjectively far more so now. Todoe — "To touch the soul of another human being is to walk on h*ly ground." The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by    Stephen R. Covey       from Habit 5:  "Seek first to understand, then to be understood."   O.W.L. Productions — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:

Response:

Hi Todoe, This is so hard.

Yes, I just read it all and it _is_ hard, very hard. My T suggested that I try out how it feels to accept that in their minds I am bad.

I’m lucky on that one, Todoe. My ab*ser was a distant relative, now dead and not well-liked anyway. It means I can’t directly resolve things with him or confront him, but there’s no-one in my family who takes sides. Even his ex- wife doesn’t doubt what he did to me. I now doubt it more than my family does I think, although there were times when some didn’t want to believe. But part of my recovery stuff has been accepting what I imagine he thought of me back then. Similar sort of vein to what you’re talking about but still very different.. I’ll start to feel better, but then slip into believing it myself (I’m bad).

You’re not bad, Todoe. You’re kind and funny and intelligent and strong and charming and curious and courageous and all sorts of things that I think are good. I’m so bleeping tired of this.

I have been feeling that way recently. Shall I send you an e-pillow and e- blanket? They’re pretty comfy. I think I have come to some limit of endurance where I must make some concrete decisions about what to do next and those decisions must include giving less of myself to problems created by other people. I finally got an email from them – it was there Tuesday when I got back from T. From her, no subject line.  Just thanks for the beanies, they were cute. That was it.

If it hadn’t been preceded by ignoring one email telling them of my new email address, one telling them my web page address, an email telling them I was glad the semester was over and I was seeing the neurologist and my meds were being changed, a card sent snail mail wishing her a late Mother’s day, all unanswered…this email might have meant something.

I think when people do this it might be too much for them to do more. It might simply be beyond their capacities – emotional, moral, spiritual, whichever. This is not about excusing a lack of care, it is an acceptance that they are too limited to care appropriately. I’d told my T initially that -I- hadn’t been in contact with them.  After a few minutes she said she thought I’d said I hadn’t been in contact with them and yet I’d just told her about all of these things…

Yes, I’ve done this. "I haven’t been in contact with them," meaning "We haven’t had a conversation". But putting all the responsibility on me in the way that I say it. Light bulb!  Oh, I should have said they haven’t been in contact with me. Asked her, you don’t expect me to differentiate between me and them, do you? She said oh no, it isn’t like that is an important T’peutic issue. We joke a lot.

It helps. I know that I need to see things both seriously and with humour before I can process them much. Hmm, just this moment occurred to me maybe I am thinking now I am bad for not responding to her email, for not just sucking up the crumb offered me.

You deserve more than crumbs. Yup, yup.  So like with the other stuff T asked me what I didn’t do that I should have. I should have immediately responded, being grateful that my mother actually used email.  I should never have remembered the ab*se, or corresponded with sis in law about it, who left printed out email laying about so bro read and called and told parents what I was "accusing" father of.

And the result would have been… what? Really, let me be honest….I should never have been born…better yet not conceived.  The mother unit used laxatives to kick me out of her body. Plus I was an "accident", which I found out from sis in law, who the mother unit chose to tell before she told me. Not fair, not fair.  I didn’t choose to "be".

No, not fair. Too much unfair. Too unkind. Eventually something has to give when there is ‘too much’ anything. I think grief is coming through the breach for you. Living in Arizona, I can’t help but be aware of the de*th of Barry Goldwater. Though my views were often very different from his, I still admired him so much.

I only remember him vaguely but the other day I heard on the radio that someone said his politics were slightly to the right of Genghis Khan. Yesterday at the fitness center, the tv’s were all tuned to his memorial service.  I turned my walkman to NPR which was carrying it as well. His brother told wonderful stories about him. I kept reflecting on what a long, full life Barry Goldwater had led.  It brought up anger which I used in my workout.  Anger that my life has been so extremely different and difficult. I laughed a lot at the anecdotes.  How Barry had marketed in the family business "Antsy Pants."  Boxer shorts with big red ants on them.  Slogan: You’ll rant and dance when you’ve got ants in your pants. Sound familiar, Mick?

Hehe, I’ve come to a detente with them now – they get the used tea-bags to munch on in the _outside_ bin as long as they leave my fresh teabags _inside_ alone. The humor was wonderful and it seemed so appropriate to mark the end of this long, distinguished life. But it made me think how little I have to show for my life. And also how not tragic the end of life can seem, when it has been lived to the fullest for a long time.

I think he had ups and downs too, right? I think that you have had too many downs, and they have been cavernous. But you are alive and you give ‘ups’ to people here and you have more life to lead and you are strong. I think there is time yet to fill out your life a little and to take some of the ‘ups’ you give others and give them to yourself. For some reason I keep thinking of Robert Heinlein too.  The science fiction author.  Another extraordinary life.

I’ve read several of his books but I don’t know anything about his life. Sis in law and I have ventured down to Colorado Spgs from Denver to see Air Force Academy (aka Star Fleet Academy haha, we see the Vulcan cadets there) and the house Heinlein lived in (well one of them). Dreams, so many dreams.

Keep some. Work for some. Accept that for some it is too late. Enjoy just dreaming some even if they are only ever dreams. Have more than could ever come true. I think dreams are important, but so is having a few come true. Sis in law and I used to hike in Colorado and dream of how things might be for us in the future.  Nothing turned out that way. Back then it never occurred to me I had ADHD, ptsd, DID or a history of inc*st.

Yes. Disappointment, disillusionment. Dreams that can never come true. Truths that should never have been more than nightmares. I’m hurting for you, Todoe. I wish it wasn’t this way for you, or for anyone. I am grieveing dreams that should have come true for you and for us all. It’s hard. Very hard. Sometimes I hate real*ty.   Better splat that, one of the nastiest words of all. So anyhow, in their eyes I am bad and probably always will be.  Not fair. Depressing. And yet easier to accept, since it is true.  Easier than knocking myself out, not being true to myself trying to change things that will never change.

I am glad that you can see it that way, even just a little. There is freedom in no longer hoping for what will not be. You can take that freedom with you and give it to some new hopes. Really sad for the loss, the loss of what never was.  Sad for the loss of the illusions.

Yes, sad. Grief. The loss of kind illusions. Growing into a new real*ty. Feels like a whole new, scary, lonely world.  Objectively no more so now, but subjectively far more so now.

Yes, the world is not very different but _your_ world is so very different. I am struggling with this too. I am trying to balance the need for reassurance with the need for encouragement, the need for security with the need to live and enjoy. But I look to my right as I type and out the window I can see some beautiful clouds being caressed by the rising sun. I really shouldn’t be awake this late (umm, early) but once it gets to five o’clock in the morning I sometimes end up staying awake just to see the sunrise. Todoe

from Mick. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – — "To touch the soul of another human being is to walk on h*ly ground." The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by    Stephen R. Covey from Habit 5:  "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." O.W.L. Productions — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:

Response:

Hi Todoe, It is mare…I am at work (hence the different address) but still the same So sorry for your troubles.  My heart just melted at your post.  Plaese see below for maybe some responses…I am not sure what will camo out but feel strobgly that your statement has something in common with my life now.  Maybe we can share? This is so hard. My T suggested that I try out how it feels to accept that in their minds I am bad. I’ll start to feel better, but then slip into believing it myself (I’m bad). I’m so bleeping tired of this.

oh wow! I am so hurtin’ for you.  I have felt similar things and just had T session yesterday in which he confronted me with my sense of shame.  Said I am not hurting myself much anymore by accidents, sex etc  but do it subtlely with shame.  owww. Why did your T suggest to you that you should imahgine their mindset? I finally got an email from them – it was there Tuesday when I got back from T. From her, no subject line.  Just thanks for the beanies, they were cute. That was it.

Must feel lonely and isolated to be abandoned like that.  Especially after the fiasco with the email left lying out. I’d told my T initially that -I- hadn’t been in contact with them.  After a few minutes she said she thought I’d said I hadn’t been in contact with them and yet I’d just told her about all of these things… Light bulb!  Oh, I should have said they haven’t been in contact with me. Asked her, you don’t expect me to differentiate between me and them, do you? She said oh no, it isn’t like that is an important T’peutic issue. We joke a lot.

Good point.  You attempt contact and then get ignored.  Double trouble. Hmm, just this moment occurred to me maybe I am thinking now I am bad for not responding to her email, for not just sucking up the crumb offered me.

oh yeah.  I been there.  I am a doormat sometimes.  I envision my self as a 6 month puppy hunkered down on the floor, piddling in anticipation, love and fear.  disgusting image.  strong reminder to keep boundaries. I should have immediately responded, being grateful that my mother actually used email.  I should never have remembered the ab*se, or corresponded with sis in law about it, who left printed out email laying about so bro read and called and told parents what I was "accusing" father of.

you are kidding, right? Really, let me be honest….I should never have been born…better yet not conceived.  The mother unit used laxatives to kick me out of her body.

I am glad you were born.  You have lent a sparkle to my days when I read you on asd Sometimes I hate real*ty.

yep So anyhow, in their eyes I am bad and probably always will be.  Not fair.

no. not fair Depressing.

yep And yet easier to accept, since it is true.  Easier than knocking myself

out, what is true?  bad?  nonononono not being true to myself trying to change things that will never change.

oh, maybe you mean accept that they think "xyz" of you and go on from there.  yes? Really sad for the loss, the loss of what never was.  Sad for the loss of the illusions.

grief Feels like a whole new, scary, lonely world.  Objectively no more so now, but subjectively far more so now.

well said Todoe…be brave…thinking of you mare – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Todoe — "To touch the soul of another human being is to walk on h*ly ground." The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by    Stephen R. Covey from Habit 5:  "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." O.W.L. Productions — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:

Response:

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