Question:
I know what you mean. My mother never stood up for me wither and it makes me so frustrated trying to understand how you could not protect your child. But then again sometimes the mother IS the abuser and that seems even worse. Sorry, but I know I don’t have the answer and it’s sometime that I will never understand. Stef – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi. One of the things that came up in my hashing things out with JP lat night was that on some level I view the world as full of child molesters/protectors of child molesters (waving to Donna bitterly) and physically abusive men. I don’t consciously walk around and think that. In fact, it doesn’t really cross my mind – unless I think about having children. I find myself actually thinking, "Why would I do such a horrible thing? Make a child just so they can get molested or abused!" then I have to stop myself and say, "You know not EVERY child is abused! I would actually care for my children and take care of them and watch out for who babysat or was alone with them." But would I??? Then I was thinking today as I was walking Boone in our neighborhood and watching all the kids go out to catch the school bus and stuff like that. And I felt this overwhelming feeling of "I don’t want to be reminded of my childhood! I don’t want a daily reminder living in my home!" and I felt so overwhelmed with the idea that I *don’t* ever want to have kids that I felt kind of panicked. Like it was some sort of horrible fate that no birth control could ever assure me would never happen to me. Wednesday I was visiting my friend, S. and her 3-month old baby. I knew that S. had been sexually abused as a child by her father but I had no idea how old or how or any of that. She told me on Wednesday that lately – especially at night when she’s feeding or changing her baby, she’ll suddenly have a flash of what her father did to her as a baby and it will be really surreal and icky and she’ll feel really sick inside. And I started to get really upset because I was looking at her baby who is so beautiful and sweet and wonderful, and looking at S. who is so beautiful and sweet and wonderful and I felt overwhelmed by grief that that had happened to her! 
She said she’s afraid for when her baby is about three years old because that’s when the sexual abuse got worse (she never forgot that abuse – but she’s never told me about it either). And once again I got this overwhelming feeling that I *can’t* have kids because it would be WAY too big a reminder of the pain. She won’t let anyone but me, her mom, her other best friend, R. and her husband babysit because otherwise she has a panic attack about what the person could do to abuse her baby. Which is sad because we’ve known her husbands friends for almost ten years and they’re all sweet, good men – they don’t drink, they have good jobs, they’re kind to their girlfriends … but I knew exactly what she meant. She can’t trust *anyone* with her baby when she’s not there to be in control. And that’s exactly how I feel. And I cried a long time about that. Because I don’t want to have children and then spend all their lives hovering over them because I’m afraid someone will molest them. But I don’t want to have a child and then have the poor thing even go through *close* to what I went through. And it also brings about the grief of "why didn’t my mom protect me?" No matter how hard I try to figure out what she was thinking, even if JP hurt S.’s baby I would have him arrested in a second! Protecting a child is bigger than anything in my heart – why wasn’t it in my mom’s???? I just have to remember it wasn’t me. It wasn’t something about me that made my mom not have a maternal instinct. But then I feel an overwhelming sense of "that’s not fair!" why did I get the short straw and get born into that family??? As a girl nonetheless!!! Oh … much grief … much grief … Julia Julia * http://havoc.gtf.gatech.edu/tankgrrl "Oh God, Mulder, it smells like… I think it’s bile." "Is there any way I can get it off my fingers quickly without betraying my cool exterior?"
Response:
Hey Julia… come come. Ya don’t view the world in any weird way. It’s ok to trust again. To me children make recovery full circle; its ok to see yourself in them and give them all the faith, love and self confidence that you’ve rediscovered. -d – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi. One of the things that came up in my hashing things out with JP lat night was that on some level I view the world as full of child molesters/protectors of child molesters (waving to Donna bitterly) and physically abusive men. I don’t consciously walk around and think that. In fact, it doesn’t really cross my mind – unless I think about having children. I find myself actually thinking, "Why would I do such a horrible thing? Make a child just so they can get molested or abused!" then I have to stop myself and say, "You know not EVERY child is abused! I would actually care for my children and take care of them and watch out for who babysat or was alone with them." But would I??? And I cried a long time about that. Because I don’t want to have children and then spend all their lives hovering over them because I’m afraid someone will molest them. But I don’t want to have a child and then have the poor thing even go through *close* to what I went through. And it also brings about the grief of "why didn’t my mom protect me?" No matter how hard I try to figure out what she was thinking, even if JP hurt S.’s baby I would have him arrested in a second! Protecting a child is bigger than anything in my heart – why wasn’t it in my mom’s???? Oh … much grief … much grief … Julia
Response:
Hi Julia, I understand your fears. I had them too. I was molested repeatedly by my father from before I can remember until I was 13 years old. My mother was physically abusive. I don’t know which parent I was more afraid of. My mother never felt obligated to report the crime of her daughters being molested, she assumed by making him leave/divorcing him(my dad) and letting my siblings and I spend weekends with him was ok. I became pregnant with my first son at 17, I was very young and irresponsible. But the day I found out I that I was pregnant I became more responsible than most adults are. I stayed home and took care of my children. ( I have 4-3 sons 20,18,11and 1 daughter 9) They never had sitters that were outside of the family, and then that was rare, I hardly ever went out. I was bound and determined that "NO ONE" would hurt my children . I was the Den mother for scouting, because I was afraid of scout leaders. I attended every mass that my son’s were alter boys at, they never spent one second alone with the priest, because I feared them too. There was one male that was close to my family, that was my husbands brother. Whom I would have never thought in a million years would hurt my child. But he did. And I did everything in my power to protect him. My brother in law was arrested and sent to jail and will be there for at least 2 more years and I will make damn sure that I go to every parol hearing and do my best to keep him in jail for the entire 7 years. But when I found out what my brother in law did to my son, I thought I failed miserably as a parent. Bad things happen every single and there is just no way for us as parents or human beings to prevent everything. To say that it would have been better that my child had not to have been born. I wouldn’t ever say that. He has brought us so much joy in his short 18 years. I am so very proud of the man he is becoming. I will be there for him when he goes through the healing process. I won’t be able to take away the hurt, god I wish I could. But he is going to make it. He has the rest of his life to look forward too. And I know in my heart that he’ll doing something very special. He was the only one of my 4 children to be molested. We as parents can be there to help pick up the pieces for our children be there and show them how much we love them and how much they are worth. Hold them when they cry and listen when they need a sympathetic ear. Foremost teach them how to be loving, compasionate, and honest people. I believe that this nation of survivors can teach their children to be better human beings. They don’t have to grow up as we did. Battered and abused and kicked aside to fend for themselves. There is no law that says when a child is 18 he doesn’t need his parents, which was the belief in my home when I was growning up. By educating people about child abuse, by making people accountable for their crimes. I think we are making a difference. In the 60’s and 70’s it was very rare for someone to go to jail for child abuse. Look at how far we have come as a society.. We can’t stop though.. It will be an on going effort.. But we can do it.. I am so sorry for your grief.. It’s not fair that you were abuse. No one deserves it. <<<HUG Mo Mo
Response:
This is so sad, and yet so many points that you make are true. My 19 year old is ULTRA protective of his younger siblings. He is so protective of the girls that I have to say, "stop and look at what you’re doing." (He’s adopted and VERY PTSD due to severe, severe abuse by a sadistic natural dad.) He says that he will never have kids of his own but he will consider finding a woman who already has a child. This same kid seems to have relationships with females who are manipulative, mean, and use his insecurities to control him and belittle him. I think you would be a really good mom if you had a partner who could support you. Someone who understands where you’re coming from in view of your past and can talk to you about it. Because I am raising three abuse survivors, I know that often the fears, anxieties and reactions that they have can be weaknesses and strengths. The same tendencies that make my 19-year old so special can be the ones that create a shambles of his life. Hang in there! I read your posts and know that you’re having a hard time. E-mail me any time. We’re having a hard time here, too.
Response:
This is very sad to feel that by not having kids will somehow protect them.I too was molested by my stepfather from age 9-12 and only now at 41 I look at a nine y/o and I say how sick a person has to be to do such harm to a child. I just recently confronted my abuser and reminded him (and Myself) that I was only a kid,and that I hopped it wasn’t happening to anyone else.He apologized and said no it wasn’t happening to any one else but his apology doesn’t change the years of living with this fucked up mind because of it all. Later, TYNA – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi. One of the things that came up in my hashing things out with JP lat night was that on some level I view the world as full of child molesters/protectors of child molesters (waving to Donna bitterly) and physically abusive men. I don’t consciously walk around and think that. In fact, it doesn’t really cross my mind – unless I think about having children. I find myself actually thinking, "Why would I do such a horrible thing? Make a child just so they can get molested or abused!" then I have to stop myself and say, "You know not EVERY child is abused! I would actually care for my children and take care of them and watch out for who babysat or was alone with them." But would I??? Then I was thinking today as I was walking Boone in our neighborhood and watching all the kids go out to catch the school bus and stuff like that. And I felt this overwhelming feeling of "I don’t want to be reminded of my childhood! I don’t want a daily reminder living in my home!" and I felt so overwhelmed with the idea that I *don’t* ever want to have kids that I felt kind of panicked. Like it was some sort of horrible fate that no birth control could ever assure me would never happen to me. Wednesday I was visiting my friend, S. and her 3-month old baby. I knew that S. had been sexually abused as a child by her father but I had no idea how old or how or any of that. She told me on Wednesday that lately – especially at night when she’s feeding or changing her baby, she’ll suddenly have a flash of what her father did to her as a baby and it will be really surreal and icky and she’ll feel really sick inside. And I started to get really upset because I was looking at her baby who is so beautiful and sweet and wonderful, and looking at S. who is so beautiful and sweet and wonderful and I felt overwhelmed by grief that that had happened to her! She said she’s afraid for when her baby is about three years old because that’s when the sexual abuse got worse (she never forgot that abuse – but she’s never told me about it either). And once again I got this overwhelming feeling that I *can’t* have kids because it would be WAY too big a reminder of the pain. She won’t let anyone but me, her mom, her other best friend, R. and her husband babysit because otherwise she has a panic attack about what the person could do to abuse her baby. Which is sad because we’ve known her husbands friends for almost ten years and they’re all sweet, good men – they don’t drink, they have good jobs, they’re kind to their girlfriends … but I knew exactly what she meant. She can’t trust *anyone* with her baby when she’s not there to be in control. And that’s exactly how I feel. And I cried a long time about that. Because I don’t want to have children and then spend all their lives hovering over them because I’m afraid someone will molest them. But I don’t want to have a child and then have the poor thing even go through *close* to what I went through. And it also brings about the grief of "why didn’t my mom protect me?" No matter how hard I try to figure out what she was thinking, even if JP hurt S.’s baby I would have him arrested in a second! Protecting a child is bigger than anything in my heart – why wasn’t it in my mom’s???? I just have to remember it wasn’t me. It wasn’t something about me that made my mom not have a maternal instinct. But then I feel an overwhelming sense of "that’s not fair!" why did I get the short straw and get born into that family??? As a girl nonetheless!!! Oh … much grief … much grief … Julia Julia * http://havoc.gtf.gatech.edu/tankgrrl "Oh God, Mulder, it smells like… I think it’s bile." "Is there any way I can get it off my fingers quickly without betraying my cool exterior?"
Response:
Hi. One of the things that came up in my hashing things out with JP lat night was that on some level I view the world as full of child molesters/protectors of child molesters (waving to Donna bitterly) and physically abusive men. I don’t consciously walk around and think that. In fact, it doesn’t really cross my mind – unless I think about having children. I find myself actually thinking, "Why would I do such a horrible thing? Make a child just so they can get molested or abused!" then I have to stop myself and say, "You know not EVERY child is abused! I would actually care for my children and take care of them and watch out for who babysat or was alone with them." But would I??? Then I was thinking today as I was walking Boone in our neighborhood and watching all the kids go out to catch the school bus and stuff like that. And I felt this overwhelming feeling of "I don’t want to be reminded of my childhood! I don’t want a daily reminder living in my home!" and I felt so overwhelmed with the idea that I *don’t* ever want to have kids that I felt kind of panicked. Like it was some sort of horrible fate that no birth control could ever assure me would never happen to me. Wednesday I was visiting my friend, S. and her 3-month old baby. I knew that S. had been sexually abused as a child by her father but I had no idea how old or how or any of that. She told me on Wednesday that lately – especially at night when she’s feeding or changing her baby, she’ll suddenly have a flash of what her father did to her as a baby and it will be really surreal and icky and she’ll feel really sick inside. And I started to get really upset because I was looking at her baby who is so beautiful and sweet and wonderful, and looking at S. who is so beautiful and sweet and wonderful and I felt overwhelmed by grief that that had happened to her! She said she’s afraid for when her baby is about three years old because that’s when the sexual abuse got worse (she never forgot that abuse – but she’s never told me about it either). And once again I got this overwhelming feeling that I *can’t* have kids because it would be WAY too big a reminder of the pain. She won’t let anyone but me, her mom, her other best friend, R. and her husband babysit because otherwise she has a panic attack about what the person could do to abuse her baby. Which is sad because we’ve known her husbands friends for almost ten years and they’re all sweet, good men – they don’t drink, they have good jobs, they’re kind to their girlfriends … but I knew exactly what she meant. She can’t trust *anyone* with her baby when she’s not there to be in control. And that’s exactly how I feel. And I cried a long time about that. Because I don’t want to have children and then spend all their lives hovering over them because I’m afraid someone will molest them. But I don’t want to have a child and then have the poor thing even go through *close* to what I went through. And it also brings about the grief of "why didn’t my mom protect me?" No matter how hard I try to figure out what she was thinking, even if JP hurt S.’s baby I would have him arrested in a second! Protecting a child is bigger than anything in my heart – why wasn’t it in my mom’s???? I just have to remember it wasn’t me. It wasn’t something about me that made my mom not have a maternal instinct. But then I feel an overwhelming sense of "that’s not fair!" why did I get the short straw and get born into that family??? As a girl nonetheless!!! Oh … much grief … much grief … Julia Julia * http://havoc.gtf.gatech.edu/tankgrrl "Oh God, Mulder, it smells like… I think it’s bile." "Is there any way I can get it off my fingers quickly without betraying my cool exterior?"
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