Question:
>Hello Risa >I hope you don’t me commenting here,
Of course not. >I am new to using newsgroups and I am >not sure, do we just add our comments or do we introduce ourselves first.
Introductions are always nice, but not required. You give what you can, when you feel comfortable. >is it possible that after 14 years your mother might have >had enough time to think about past wrongs?
It would be possible if she thought any of her actions were harmful to me, but she doesn’t. She blames me for what happened. There won’t be any reconciliation under those circumstances. Risa Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because you are crunchy and you taste good with ketchup.
Response:
>My comfort will have to be that my daughter ran as fast as she could. So, >even though I was a mess while she was growing up, I did something right, I >think. I managed to get through to her to do whatever she needed to do to >protect herself…even though I had been unable to do the same for myself.
I ran out of self-preservation. She sees me as a possession. The only way I would get out was to escape totally. It’s a horrible thing to do to a person, especially a child. I appreciate your perspective on this issue. It’s hard for me to read about your pain. Risa Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because you are crunchy and you taste good with ketchup.
Response:
<snip > Hi Risa, Who sees you as a possession? I’m new here so I’m not familiar with your story. I’m sorry that my post caused you pain…sincerely. Mary "RisaCaitlin" <risacait…@aol.comet> wrote in message
news:20010101215136.07509.00013571@ng-cs1.aol.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I ran out of self-preservation. She sees me as a possession. The only way I > would get out was to escape totally. It’s a horrible thing to do to a person, > especially a child. > I appreciate your perspective on this issue. It’s hard for me to read about > your pain. > Risa > Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because > you are crunchy and you taste good with ketchup.
Response:
>Hi Risa, >Who sees you as a possession?
My (former) mother. I don’t think she understands I’m a separate person. >I’m sorry that my post caused you pain…sincerely.
It wasn’t you that caused my pain. That came from the circumstances of my upbringing. You have nothing to apologize for, but thank you for your concern. Stick around here, k? Risa Time is money, money is the root of all evil, and knowledge is power. Therefore, procrastination is the key to world peace.
Response:
Hi Risa, Yes, I have come to realize the same thing…that my mother has never understood that I’m a separate person. Yep, I think I’ll stick around. Mary "RisaCaitlin" <risacait…@aol.comet> wrote in message
news:20010111112406.28366.00000897@ng-cg1.aol.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >Hi Risa, > >Who sees you as a possession? > My (former) mother. I don’t think she understands I’m a separate person. > >I’m sorry that my post caused you pain…sincerely. > It wasn’t you that caused my pain. That came from the circumstances of my > upbringing. You have nothing to apologize for, but thank you for your concern. > Stick around here, k? > Risa > Time is money, money is the root of all evil, > and knowledge is power. Therefore, > procrastination is the key to world peace.
Response:
Hi, I’m a survivor of childhood sexual, emotional and physical abuse. I feel safe sharing this after reading some of the posts here. I’m also very grateful that I found this ng. I was diagnosed with ptsd about 8 years ago and was in therapy over 6 years and it helped alot. I’ve been on ADs also since I was diagnosed…and presently I take Paxil and Catapres for BP and to help me sleep. I made very good progress in therapy with a neuro-psychiatrist and then with a wonderful therapist. At about 6 years into therapy I made a major move to another state. Shortly after that, my abuser and my mother followed me to my new home state. I was able to deal with that ok since my abuser had had a stroke, was unable to speak, was paralyzed on one side and since I had very little contact with him ( my choice ) it didn’t seem to be a problem. I was getting on with my life and all seemed well. Until about a month ago…… I suddenly faced something that I had never been willing to look at before, and that was…….my mother’s verbal and emotional abuse. I’m sure that if I had stayed in therapy I probably would have realized that sooner ( who knows ) So, here I was, a month ago, swallowing "the whole apple"…finally… and I’m suddenly realizing that I have this woman living close by me, and that for the last 4 years, she has been abusing me…verbally and emotionally. Then I’m angry at myself for not seeing this sooner and now I feel I’ve lost alot of the progress I made by not facing up to this sooner. I also saw, for the first time, how she has affected my relationship with my children ( all adults now ). My children, growing up, watched her verbally and emotionally abuse me and because I wasn’t taught boundaries, and didn’t dare stand up for myself while growing up, and later on in adulthood before my diagnosis ) in my opinion, they lost respect for me…thinking I was just meek and spineless. Believe it or not…I just *saw* this about a month ago. I’m not coping too well because I have so much anger at myself. I keep asking myself *why* I didn’t see this sooner. TY for being here and "listening"…. Mary
Response:
Hi mary! Welcome to our little part of the Internet; I’m sorry that you seem to qualify. > I’m not coping too well because I have so much anger at myself. I keep > asking myself *why* I didn’t see this sooner.
I’ve learned that the ‘whys’ don’t matter; it is what I do with each new awareness that counts. In my experience, there is no ‘good’ reason to ask ‘why’ about yesterday. It’s that ‘what am I going to do now that I have this new awareness’ that counts. Awareness sucks! but it’s the only way that I can move forward and unpeal the next layer of pain. Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
Mary- look at the site on bullies. It was new to me and finding this has helped understand a lot about PTSD. If it’s new to you, it may help. http://www.successunlimited.co.uk/PTSD/ In article <moG36.5725$F_3.241…@newsread2.prod.itd.earthlink.net>, "mary" <msravenINCOGN…@earthlink.net> wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi, > I’m a survivor of childhood sexual, emotional and physical abuse. I feel > safe sharing this after reading some of the posts here. I’m also very > grateful that I found this ng. > I was diagnosed with ptsd about 8 years ago and was in therapy over 6 years > and it helped alot. I’ve been on ADs also since I was diagnosed…and > presently I take Paxil and Catapres for BP and to help me sleep. I made very > good progress in therapy with a neuro-psychiatrist and then with a wonderful > therapist. At about 6 years into therapy I made a major move to another > state. Shortly after that, my abuser and my mother followed me to my new > home state. I was able to deal with that ok since my abuser had had a > stroke, was unable to speak, was paralyzed on one side and since I had very > little contact with him ( my choice ) it didn’t seem to be a problem. I was > getting on with my life and all seemed well. Until about a month ago…… > I suddenly faced something that I had never been willing to look at before, > and that was…….my mother’s verbal and emotional abuse. I’m sure that if > I had stayed in therapy I probably would have realized that sooner ( who > knows ) > So, here I was, a month ago, swallowing "the whole
apple"…finally… and – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’m suddenly realizing that I have this woman living close by me, and that > for the last 4 years, she has been abusing me…verbally and emotionally. > Then I’m angry at myself for not seeing this sooner and now I feel I’ve lost > alot of the progress I made by not facing up to this sooner. > I also saw, for the first time, how she has affected my relationship with my > children ( all adults now ). My children, growing up, watched her verbally > and emotionally abuse me and because I wasn’t taught boundaries, and didn’t > dare stand up for myself while growing up, and later on in adulthood > before my diagnosis ) in my opinion, they lost respect for me…thinking I > was just meek and spineless. Believe it or not…I just *saw* this about a > month ago. > I’m not coping too well because I have so much anger at myself. I keep > asking myself *why* I didn’t see this sooner. > TY for being here and "listening"…. > Mary
– http://www.jvet.freeservers.com http://www.successunlimited.co.uk/PTSD/ Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Response:
Dear Nancy and jvett, TY for your reply, insight and support. Jvett, I’ve been digesting all the info at that web site a little at a time, and it’s very helpful. TY ! Nancy wrote: > I’ve learned that the ‘whys’ don’t matter; it is what I do with each new > awareness that counts.
Nancy, I totally agree, but there’s another reason why I’m so angry and I’m sure you all can relate to this.. The sexual and physical abuse occurred between the age of about 6 and 13. The verbal and emotional abuse ( from my "perp" ) continued into adulthood, up until age 48, when I was finally diagnosed. That’s alot of years to lose because of being abused. There are other losses as well….ie: the damage to the relationship with my children, as I mentioned before, and how my undiagnosed condition damaged *them* ! I’ve discussed it with them, and all but one of them understands what happened and why mom was the way she was. I have lost contact with my youngest daughter, who was the light of my life, as a direct result of having ptsd, undiagnosed for years. She does not understand, and is full of anger. She feels that I wasn’t the mother to her that I should have been. It makes no difference to her that I had ptsd. What I’m saying is that my perp robbed me of so many things in my life…things that can never be recovered, or re-lived. Ok, so I accepted that and went on, but here I am now, facing a whole new aspect of the abuse that I never saw before, and bearing the full impact of how my mom’s abuse affected me and my children, also. I know I’m feeling sorry for myself, but #@!!@# it hurts. I’m almost 60 years old. You say… > I’ve learned that the ‘whys’ don’t matter; it is what I do with each new > awareness that counts.
So what do I do with this new awareness? I’m almost 60, and not in very good health. When do I get to hold my youngest child in my arms again? Just having this awareness doesn’t change that loss. I might add here that I lost my daughter after being in therapy about a year and now I realize that most of the problems that caused her to end the relationship were a direct result of my mom’s abuse, which I’m just now facing. She no longer has a relationship with my mom or step-father ( so grateful for that ) and that was my daughter’s choice. I realize that I’m feeling sorry for myself. I have before, and I’ll get over it, but I don’t know what to do with this new awareness…at least not right now. TY for listening…. Mary "Nancy" <ki…@cris.com> wrote in message
news:92neip$nh5@dispatch.concentric.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi mary! > Welcome to our little part of the Internet; I’m sorry that you seem to > qualify. > > I’m not coping too well because I have so much anger at myself. I keep > > asking myself *why* I didn’t see this sooner. > I’ve learned that the ‘whys’ don’t matter; it is what I do with each new > awareness that counts. > In my experience, there is no ‘good’ reason to ask ‘why’ about yesterday. > It’s that ‘what am I going to do now that I have this new awareness’ that > counts. > Awareness sucks! but it’s the only way that I can move forward and unpeal > the next layer of pain. > Smile and there will be something to smile about! > Nancy
Response:
welcome-glad you feel safe enough to post =) >now I feel I’ve lost >alot of the progress I made by not facing up to this sooner.
it’s great that you see it now but 20/20 hindsight you know? some people never realize it. you never lose the progress you have made-it’s always something you have even if you feel that you’ve taken a step backwards. you would not be able to see her as abusive if you didn’t have that progress. >in my opinion, they lost respect for me…thinking I >was just meek and spineless.
have you ever talked to your children about what you posted here? they may surprise you and have realized that you did what you had to up until now when you realize exactly what you’ve been putting up with. if they have lost respect for you, it is never too late to earn it back by showing them how unacceptable your mother’s behavior is. >I have so much anger at myself. I keep >asking myself *why* I didn’t see this sooner.
why’s will drive you crazy =) seriously, you see it now and it isn’t like you’ve lost all the time when it was going on. you were growing and recovering in order to get to the point you are now where you can recognize it as abusive. the past is exactly that-the past and you can’t change it. you can change how you go forward and to me, that’s the ultimate freedom. take care.
Response:
RisaCaitlin <risacait…@aol.comet> wrote in message
news:20010101112810.05620.00001310@ng-md1.aol.com… > Mary, snip >Finally I would move and we > started the whole process over again. After about 8 years of this, I changed my > name, moved, and got a restraining order against her. She doesn’t show up very > much anymore. > BTW, my mother will be 61 tomorrow. I haven’t seen her in 14 years and wouldn’t > mind another 14 passing. I need time to heal too. > Risa
Hello Risa I hope you don’t me commenting here, I am new to using newsgroups and I am not sure, do we just add our comments or do we introduce ourselves first. I have been reading Mary and your posts and had some similar things happening. I am wondering how people change as years go by is it possible that after 14 years your mother might have had enough time to think about past wrongs? I’m beginning to wonder how long the process of healing might take, 14 years is a long time can we ever hope for complete resolution. May
Response:
Hi Risa, TY for sharing. <After I got into therapy for myself, I realized that further contact > with my mother wasn’t healthy for me.>
I came to the same conclusion and severed the relationship for over 5 years. How and why the relationship started again is a whole other story for another post. <My mother would occasionally have me hunted down by a > private detective, then show up at my home, work, sports activities, etc.
IMHO, just additional proof of how abusive she *still* was/is. Good for you for taking the steps you needed to take in order to heal. <I can only imagine how it must feel for you to be so totally > rejected by your daughter.>
Yes, it hurts alot and most especially because *I* wasn’t the abuser. < I think most people don’t understand how hard it is to have family that’s so > threatening to my safety and sanity that it’s better not to have any family at > all.
In all sincerity, I understand. It’s what I should have done years ago when I left home. If I had my life to live over again, my parents would never be allowed anywhere near my children, let alone me. That is one big regret in my life…that I was undiagnosed and never had the good sense to run as fast as I could…the way that you did. I applaud you for that and for having the courage to stand firm. My comfort will have to be that my daughter ran as fast as she could. So, even though I was a mess while she was growing up, I did something right, I think. I managed to get through to her to do whatever she needed to do to protect herself…even though I had been unable to do the same for myself. Maybe in my next life? Mary "RisaCaitlin" <risacait…@aol.comet> wrote in message
news:20010101112810.05620.00001310@ng-md1.aol.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Mary, > So much of your post seems like my life. I was brutally abused by all my > parents. After I got into therapy for myself, I realized that further contact > with my mother wasn’t healthy for me. One by one my siblings dropped out of my > life, until it was just my youngest sister and grandmother. When I tired of the > verbal beatings from grandma, I cut the rest of them off too. That was a little > over a year ago. > >I had offerred > >to go to therapy with the youngest daughter hoping that we could mend the > >relationship, but she would have none of it. Any letters or cards I sent to > >her were returned to me. She wrote …refused…across the front of the > >envelope. After a few times of being hurt by that sort of thing, I decided > >that wasn’t helping me recover and I decided not to hurt myself anymore by > >trying to contact her. > I too used this tactic. My mother would occasionally have me hunted down by a > private detective, then show up at my home, work, sports activities, etc. and > harass me. She sent me letters I didn’t want, and money I desperately needed. > At first, I returned the checks along with the letters. Eventually I just > returned the letters and shredded the checks. Finally I would move and we > started the whole process over again. After about 8 years of this, I changed my > name, moved, and got a restraining order against her. She doesn’t show up very > much anymore. > I can sympathise with you and your daughter. I don’t know that anything would > inspire me to want contact with my family again, especially my mother. I’m > getting on with my life. I don’t want to go back into that quagmire of > craziness. I can only imagine how it must feel for you to be so totally > rejected by your daughter. And doing what’s best for your child causes you so > much pain and heartache. Every once in a while, I struggle with feeling guilty > for the pain I’m causing too. But I know that I’m taking care of me in ways I > didn’t learn, and wasn’t allowed as a child. > I think most people don’t understand how hard it is to have family that’s so > threatening to my safety and sanity that it’s better not to have any family at > all. To have made a choice between no-risk acceptance (by abusers) and the > tenuousness of friendships (by healthier people) that carry a much higher risk > of abandonment. It makes the world a much scarier and uncertain place. > Mary, I don’t know if I’ve given you anything helpful. I hope so. > > So what do I do with this new awareness? I’m almost 60, and not in very > >good > >health. When do I get to hold my youngest child in my arms again? > BTW, my mother will be 61 tomorrow. I haven’t seen her in 14 years and wouldn’t > mind another 14 passing. I need time to heal too. > Risa
Response:
Mary, So much of your post seems like my life. I was brutally abused by all my parents. After I got into therapy for myself, I realized that further contact with my mother wasn’t healthy for me. One by one my siblings dropped out of my life, until it was just my youngest sister and grandmother. When I tired of the verbal beatings from grandma, I cut the rest of them off too. That was a little over a year ago. >I had offerred >to go to therapy with the youngest daughter hoping that we could mend the >relationship, but she would have none of it. Any letters or cards I sent to >her were returned to me. She wrote …refused…across the front of the >envelope. After a few times of being hurt by that sort of thing, I decided >that wasn’t helping me recover and I decided not to hurt myself anymore by >trying to contact her.
I too used this tactic. My mother would occasionally have me hunted down by a private detective, then show up at my home, work, sports activities, etc. and harass me. She sent me letters I didn’t want, and money I desperately needed. At first, I returned the checks along with the letters. Eventually I just returned the letters and shredded the checks. Finally I would move and we started the whole process over again. After about 8 years of this, I changed my name, moved, and got a restraining order against her. She doesn’t show up very much anymore. I can sympathise with you and your daughter. I don’t know that anything would inspire me to want contact with my family again, especially my mother. I’m getting on with my life. I don’t want to go back into that quagmire of craziness. I can only imagine how it must feel for you to be so totally rejected by your daughter. And doing what’s best for your child causes you so much pain and heartache. Every once in a while, I struggle with feeling guilty for the pain I’m causing too. But I know that I’m taking care of me in ways I didn’t learn, and wasn’t allowed as a child. I think most people don’t understand how hard it is to have family that’s so threatening to my safety and sanity that it’s better not to have any family at all. To have made a choice between no-risk acceptance (by abusers) and the tenuousness of friendships (by healthier people) that carry a much higher risk of abandonment. It makes the world a much scarier and uncertain place. Mary, I don’t know if I’ve given you anything helpful. I hope so. > So what do I do with this new awareness? I’m almost 60, and not in very >good >health. When do I get to hold my youngest child in my arms again?
BTW, my mother will be 61 tomorrow. I haven’t seen her in 14 years and wouldn’t mind another 14 passing. I need time to heal too. Risa
Response:
(((((((((((((( runawaybunny ))))))))))))) You made my day with your post. 
Happy New Year everyone! By now it’s past midnight on the east coast. I’m hoping with all my heart that your mom decides to enter therapy this year. As far as getting my adult kids into a few therapy sessions…I think that’s a great idea. It’s going to be hard to do, though, because 2 of the girls live quite a distance, and the youngest lives out of state. I had offerred to go to therapy with the youngest daughter hoping that we could mend the relationship, but she would have none of it. Any letters or cards I sent to her were returned to me. She wrote …refused…across the front of the envelope. After a few times of being hurt by that sort of thing, I decided that wasn’t helping me recover and I decided not to hurt myself anymore by trying to contact her. I don’t perceive myself as having lots of courage and strength as you say I have, but TY for telling me that. Now that I think of it, *all* of us have had to have courage and strength or we wouldn’t have come to this point and be sharing in this newsgroup. We are survivors, for sure. Again, TY for sharing and responding to my post. Mary "runawaybunny" <runawaybu…@earthlink.net> wrote in message
news:B67567F1.4EB5%runawaybunny@earthlink.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> in article 6WO36.11175$cW3.388…@newsread1.prod.itd.earthlink.net, mary at > msravenINCOGN…@earthlink.net wrote on 12/31/00 5:02 PM: > > Dear Nancy and jvett, > > TY for your reply, insight and support. Jvett, I’ve been digesting all the > > info at that web site a little at a time, and it’s very helpful. TY ! > > Nancy wrote: > >> I’ve learned that the ‘whys’ don’t matter; it is what I do with each new > >> awareness that counts. > > Nancy, I totally agree, but there’s another reason why I’m so angry and I’m > > sure you all can relate to this.. > > The sexual and physical abuse occurred between the age of about 6 and 13. > > The verbal and emotional abuse ( from my "perp" ) continued into adulthood, > > up until age 48, when I was finally diagnosed. That’s alot of years to lose > > because of being abused. There are other losses as well….ie: the damage to > > the relationship with my children, as I mentioned before, and how my > > undiagnosed condition damaged *them* ! I’ve discussed it with them, and all > > but one of them understands what happened and why mom was the way she was. I > > have lost contact with my youngest daughter, who was the light of my life, > > as a direct result of having ptsd, undiagnosed for years. She does not > > understand, and is full of anger. She feels that I wasn’t the mother to her > > that I should have been. It makes no difference to her that I had ptsd. > > What I’m saying is that my perp robbed me of so many things in my > > life…things that can never be recovered, or re-lived. Ok, so I accepted > > that and went on, but here I am now, facing a whole new aspect of the abuse > > that I never saw before, and bearing the full impact of how my mom’s abuse > > affected me and my children, also. > > I know I’m feeling sorry for myself, but #@!!@# it hurts. I’m almost 60 > > years old. > > You say… > >> I’ve learned that the ‘whys’ don’t matter; it is what I do with each new > >> awareness that counts. > > So what do I do with this new awareness? I’m almost 60, and not in very good > > health. When do I get to hold my youngest child in my arms again? Just > > having this awareness doesn’t change that loss. I might add here that I lost > > my daughter after being in therapy about a year and now I realize that most > > of the problems that caused her to end the relationship were a direct result > > of my mom’s abuse, which I’m just now facing. She no longer has a > > relationship with my mom or step-father ( so grateful for that ) and that > > was my daughter’s choice. > > I realize that I’m feeling sorry for myself. I have before, and I’ll get > > over it, but I don’t know what to do with this new awareness…at least not > > right now. > > TY for listening…. > > Mary > > "Nancy" <ki…@cris.com> wrote in message > > news:92neip$nh5@dispatch.concentric.net… > >> Hi mary! > >> Welcome to our little part of the Internet; I’m sorry that you seem to > >> qualify. > >>> I’m not coping too well because I have so much anger at myself. I keep > >>> asking myself *why* I didn’t see this sooner. > >> I’ve learned that the ‘whys’ don’t matter; it is what I do with each new > >> awareness that counts. > >> In my experience, there is no ‘good’ reason to ask ‘why’ about yesterday. > >> It’s that ‘what am I going to do now that I have this new awareness’ that > >> counts. > >> Awareness sucks! but it’s the only way that I can move forward and unpeal > >> the next layer of pain. > >> Smile and there will be something to smile about! > >> Nancy > >> >>>Mary, > >>>I’m so sorry, but that does’nt really help. I’m not sure if this will, but > here goes. You have the same name as my mother and your story made me think > of her as well. My mother was abused all her life, her family growing up, > my father and now her current husband. I feel maybe she allowed the abuse > that happened to me and my sister to occur, not conciously but she just > didn’t notice or want to notice. What i wouldn’t give for my mother to > enter counseling and try to get well mentally, she says she’s too old, but > she is younger than you. It takes soooo much courage to seek help and to > try to change and see sickness in someone you love and want love from. It’s > soo hard to get rid of the fantasy relationship we all wish we had with our > families. I hope you can talk with your children, would they be willing to > see a family counslour for a few sessions to maybe start again at a > relationship???? My thoughts are with you and <hugs> > You have lots of courage and strength even though that sometimes is lonley > runawaybunny
Response:
Hi mary! > up until age 48, when I was finally diagnosed. That’s alot of years to lose > because of being abused. There are other losses as well….ie: the damage to > the relationship with my children, as I mentioned before, and how my > undiagnosed condition damaged *them* !
Now, what exactly did you lose? Just because it took you a couple of decades to get to the point where you could identify and then obtain assistance to stop the chain of abuse which you inherited … this doesn’t make you a slow learner. You learned faster than those before you who died without facing their responsibilities up close and personal! About 2 years ago, three months after I finally got through to my mother that I didn’t blame her because it had become apparent to me that she had been a victim of abuse (even though she kept a stiff upper lip her entire life), she stood up and keeled over with an undiagnosed brain aneurism. I’d like to think that she would have addressed some of these issues for herself, but, as she had always had low blood pressure, I believe that the strain of her trying to deal with this ’stuff’ may have raised her blood pressure beyond what the vessel wall would accomodate. Anyway, I did learn from her that what we do after we are grown is our responsibility, not our parents’. > So what do I do with this new awareness? I’m almost 60, and not in very good > health. When do I get to hold my youngest child in my arms again?
Maybe never … who knows? For me, that’s an issue for my Higher Power, but I’m only 56 Living at home is a strain for my 19 yo son, but he seems to have decided that he would like to know who I am without all the abuse that we two went through for 16-18 years. His living here is also a strain on me, but it may be the only way we do not lose each other. OTOH, my brother escaped like your youngest and has only occasionally looked back. I don’t know which is the better answer for individuals, but each one of us needs to heal after a few generations of abuse, traumatizing or not. Congratulations on being the person to put a halt to this part of your family system and labelling it for your children to see clearly. > I realize that I’m feeling sorry for myself. I have before, and I’ll get > over it, but I don’t know what to do with this new awareness…at least not > right now.
Well, in my experience, new awareness is a gift (even though it sucks). In the game of better living, it gives me a chance to do a little better in the future. What a New Year’s present you have given yourself.! Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
in article 6WO36.11175$cW3.388…@newsread1.prod.itd.earthlink.net, mary at msravenINCOGN…@earthlink.net wrote on 12/31/00 5:02 PM: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Dear Nancy and jvett, > TY for your reply, insight and support. Jvett, I’ve been digesting all the > info at that web site a little at a time, and it’s very helpful. TY ! > Nancy wrote: >> I’ve learned that the ‘whys’ don’t matter; it is what I do with each new >> awareness that counts. > Nancy, I totally agree, but there’s another reason why I’m so angry and I’m > sure you all can relate to this.. > The sexual and physical abuse occurred between the age of about 6 and 13. > The verbal and emotional abuse ( from my "perp" ) continued into adulthood, > up until age 48, when I was finally diagnosed. That’s alot of years to lose > because of being abused. There are other losses as well….ie: the damage to > the relationship with my children, as I mentioned before, and how my > undiagnosed condition damaged *them* ! I’ve discussed it with them, and all > but one of them understands what happened and why mom was the way she was. I > have lost contact with my youngest daughter, who was the light of my life, > as a direct result of having ptsd, undiagnosed for years. She does not > understand, and is full of anger. She feels that I wasn’t the mother to her > that I should have been. It makes no difference to her that I had ptsd. > What I’m saying is that my perp robbed me of so many things in my > life…things that can never be recovered, or re-lived. Ok, so I accepted > that and went on, but here I am now, facing a whole new aspect of the abuse > that I never saw before, and bearing the full impact of how my mom’s abuse > affected me and my children, also. > I know I’m feeling sorry for myself, but #@!!@# it hurts. I’m almost 60 > years old. > You say… >> I’ve learned that the ‘whys’ don’t matter; it is what I do with each new >> awareness that counts. > So what do I do with this new awareness? I’m almost 60, and not in very good > health. When do I get to hold my youngest child in my arms again? Just > having this awareness doesn’t change that loss. I might add here that I lost > my daughter after being in therapy about a year and now I realize that most > of the problems that caused her to end the relationship were a direct result > of my mom’s abuse, which I’m just now facing. She no longer has a > relationship with my mom or step-father ( so grateful for that ) and that > was my daughter’s choice. > I realize that I’m feeling sorry for myself. I have before, and I’ll get > over it, but I don’t know what to do with this new awareness…at least not > right now. > TY for listening…. > Mary > "Nancy" <ki…@cris.com> wrote in message > news:92neip$nh5@dispatch.concentric.net… >> Hi mary! >> Welcome to our little part of the Internet; I’m sorry that you seem to >> qualify. >>> I’m not coping too well because I have so much anger at myself. I keep >>> asking myself *why* I didn’t see this sooner. >> I’ve learned that the ‘whys’ don’t matter; it is what I do with each new >> awareness that counts. >> In my experience, there is no ‘good’ reason to ask ‘why’ about yesterday. >> It’s that ‘what am I going to do now that I have this new awareness’ that >> counts. >> Awareness sucks! but it’s the only way that I can move forward and unpeal >> the next layer of pain. >> Smile and there will be something to smile about! >> Nancy >> >>>Mary, >>>I’m so sorry, but that does’nt really help. I’m not sure if this will, but
here goes. You have the same name as my mother and your story made me think of her as well. My mother was abused all her life, her family growing up, my father and now her current husband. I feel maybe she allowed the abuse that happened to me and my sister to occur, not conciously but she just didn’t notice or want to notice. What i wouldn’t give for my mother to enter counseling and try to get well mentally, she says she’s too old, but she is younger than you. It takes soooo much courage to seek help and to try to change and see sickness in someone you love and want love from. It’s soo hard to get rid of the fantasy relationship we all wish we had with our families. I hope you can talk with your children, would they be willing to see a family counslour for a few sessions to maybe start again at a relationship???? My thoughts are with you and <hugs> You have lots of courage and strength even though that sometimes is lonley runawaybunny – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –
Response:
TY Lea. I’m digesting everything you posted. Yes, with this full realization just recently of how my mother’s abuse affected me I have spoken to 2 of my daughters. One is still digesting this, as I am, and the other seemed to react as though the pieces of the puzzle were now coming together for *her* ….and how this abuse affected her and her siblings. You wrote:
< it is never too late to earn it back by showing them how > unacceptable your mother’s behavior is.
That’s part of the anger I’m experiencing. I feel it *is* too late, most especially concerning my youngest daughter since I don’t think I’ll ever get the chance to even earn her respect back again due to my age and other medical problems other than ptsd. My youngest daughter now has no contact with her family of origin, not even with her siblings. Maybe my comfort will be that she *did* decide to cut off her family, and in doing so saved herself and her children from any more harm. I once told her to always do whatever she had to do to protect herself, and I’m thinking now that she did just that. If so, I’m very, very proud of her. As far as repairing the relationships with the other adult children…that remains to be seen. I really appreciate the feed back I’ve received in this ng. I also realize now that I need to go back for some short term therapy to deal with this. Only problem is that my health insurance only pays $40 of the $80 charge and right now I can’t afford even $40 a visit. Mary "Lea15" <le…@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20001231182323.28795.00000663@ng-fn1.aol.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> welcome-glad you feel safe enough to post =) > >now I feel I’ve lost > >alot of the progress I made by not facing up to this sooner. > it’s great that you see it now but 20/20 hindsight you know? some people never > realize it. you never lose the progress you have made-it’s always something > you have even if you feel that you’ve taken a step backwards. you would not be > able to see her as abusive if you didn’t have that progress. > >in my opinion, they lost respect for me…thinking I > >was just meek and spineless. > have you ever talked to your children about what you posted here? they may > surprise you and have realized that you did what you had to up until now when > you realize exactly what you’ve been putting up with. if they have lost > respect for you, it is never too late to earn it back by showing them how > unacceptable your mother’s behavior is. > >I have so much anger at myself. I keep > >asking myself *why* I didn’t see this sooner. > why’s will drive you crazy =) seriously, you see it now and it isn’t like > you’ve lost all the time when it was going on. you were growing and recovering > in order to get to the point you are now where you can recognize it as abusive. > the past is exactly that-the past and you can’t change it. you can change how > you go forward and to me, that’s the ultimate freedom. take care.
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