Trauma – PTSD

Question:

Hello everyone, although I’ve already been lurking around here for a few months, I never dared to participate in some of these very interesting discussions you had, though I was tempted to do so several times. Finally another discussion – especially one posting – pushed me emotionally out of my hiding and I couldn’t resist to answer. However, I should have introduced myself before, so I’ll make it up now. First of all I’d like to thank everyone in this group for just being there and sharing their experiences. It has given me quite a bit of relieve in the past to find that I am not completely alone with my emotions and symptoms. My discovery of this group was originally caused by my therapist when she told me about trauma reactions, flashbacks and EMDR. At that time these words were of no deeper meaning to me, so I started out to find a more thorough explanation somewhere on the internet, which led me to this newsgroup. Actually, my main interest in this group results from my repeated dreams/flashbacks/memories of the past which are quite disturbing, especially if they occur at night. If the topics weren’t that horrible and if it hadn’t been for real it could be amazingly entertaining…I guess no cinema will ever become more realistic than these dreams… being in this scene from my past is not only watching it, it is smelling, hearing, feeling everything that happened to me at that time. When I wake with a start I always need some time to orientate myself, making sure that all this stuff is history, I am safe in my bed and nobody is going to hurt me right now. Another reason for staying around here are some funny habits that we seem to share. Some time ago someone mentioned sleeping on a couch as one of his symptoms. Well, I don’t sleep on a couch, but I need my bed standing in a corner, so that I feel solid walls behind me that give me some shelter. Furthermore, I tend to create some sort of cave with my blankets. I usually sleep completely hidden under them with only my nose and some of my hair poking out. Maybe I should also make a few words about my history, but at the moment I don’t feel like telling my whole life story, sorry for that. If somebody is seriously interested, he/she can find some parts of it in my first posting two or three threads above. By the way, I’m sorry if my English seems sometimes strange or is faulty, please don’t be offended by that. Unfortunately, I am not a native speaker. I used to work in research where most of my collaborators were American/Canadian/British or Spanish, so we spoke English all the day. Therefore my science English is rather good but I’m lacking in everyday skills, I always notice that when go to recreational activities with some of my American friends. Anyway, I am glad to have found this ng with so many nice people being around and I’m looking forward to many new interesting discussions here. All the best, nv

Response:

Welcome, "Noctuviglia"! It is very good to have you on board. By the way, your command of the English language, with all the nuances and little twists is very impressive.  `Wish I could write as eloquently in my native English as you do in a language not your first… Although qualifying for membership in this group is not something any of us wishes for anyone else, it is a good thing to be able to have a forum and support as we all deal with different aspects of living with the symptoms of PTSD. Take care and welcome! Anne on the prairie

Response:

Hi noctuvigila! > Hello everyone,

Welcome to the ng … I’m sorry that you seem to qualify. > Maybe I should also make a few words about my history, but at the > moment I don’t feel like telling my whole life story, sorry for that.

I, for one, am grateful.  For me, anyone who needs to know my history needs to ‘get another life’.  My history is between my therapist and myself.  Yes, I share here parts of my story, when they seem appropriate.  The whole story is something else again. Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy

Response:

Hi Nancy, > Welcome to the ng … I’m sorry that you seem to qualify.

Thanks for the welcome. Didn’t know that I had to qualify >>Maybe I should also make a few words about my history, but at the >>moment I don’t feel like telling my whole life story, sorry for that. > I, for one, am grateful.  

Good. Makes me feel better. > For me, anyone who needs to know my history needs to ‘get another life’.

Ups…gulp! Do you mean, you’ll see to ‘that’? > My history is between my therapist and > myself.  Yes, I share here parts of my story, when they seem > appropriate.  The whole story is something else again.

Yeah, it would probably take me months or years to finish my story (at least with the parts I can remember). > Smile and there will be something to smile about!

I like that one. I use to walk around smiling, even if I’m not feeling merry or something. Some people consider this a fake and therapists usually consider it as ‘inappropriate behaviour’. But most of the time I am doing this because there are always some people smiling back at me. Sometimes it needs only a smile to make other people happy and I think it creates a more friendly atmosphere. In case I cannot decide between two ore more emotions I just smile. It sometimes helps. All the best, nv

Response:

Hi Anne, Thanks a lot for your warmly welcome. I was really flattered by your compliments, but I know that I still need a lot of practice until I am able to use the English language properly. Sometimes it makes me feel like a failure. By the way, I was very interested in your EMDR postings. My therapist suggested it once, but since we do not have so many qualified EMDR-Therapists in this area, I didn’t consider it much further. Despite of that, I don’t know whether I’d really do it if I could. In the near future I hope to get started on a psychoanalysis. I’m not the right type of person for doing CBT or the like (which seems to be very popular in the US), ’cause I simply dislike the methods. Anyway, I hope you are doing ok with your therapy and everything. Reading your additional remark ‘on the prairie’ I always imagine a wide open landscape, huge pasturelands, wild horses, cows, interesting flowers, butterflies, strange birds, clean rivers with white foaming waterfalls,…no stress, no hurry, just nature…ahhhh….OK, of course I’m dreaming, but I just like the sound of it. > it is a good thing to be able to have a forum and support as we all deal with different aspects of living with the symptoms of PTSD.

Yeah, it is! Hope you are doing OK. All the best, nv

Response:

Dear Noctuviglia, Your descriptions of your dreams and how real they are is very familiar to me. I agree with you that the colors, smells, sounds, and emotions in dreams can seem much more vivid and engaging than daily life! As someone who truly loves the cinema, I often classify my more bizzare life experiences by film directors.  An example is that I often feel that I am living in a Fellini movie.  When I say, for instance, that I have had a "Fellini day" I can often just laugh and move on more easily to the next event, task, or "right action".   As far as the prairie goes…I moved to the Midwest after living most of my life in either San Francisco or New York City.  I love the tropical sunrises and clean air here on the prairie!  Some of my part-time work for the local university takes me into rural areas where I can drive for miles without seeing another car or farm house.  I have witnessed horses galloping freely across fields.  My favorite calming down activity is to go to the local animal preserve and observe the Elk and Bison. My EMDR experiences have been very helpful.  EMDR is an exhausting but effective process, IMHO.  I still need to do "talk therapy" and meds as well as other structured routines (the gym, meditation and prayer, 12 step programs, writing, reading, and just dealing with the symptoms of PTSD).  Good luck with your therapy. I’ve learned a lot from this newsgroup.  I hope that you will also find strength and insight from the members of this group. Wishing you well, Anne on the prairie

Response:

Hi Anne, > As far as the prairie goes…I moved to the Midwest after living most of my > life in either San Francisco or New York City.  I love the tropical sunrises > and clean air here on the prairie!  Some of my part-time work for the local > university takes me into rural areas where I can drive for miles without seeing > another car or farm house.  I have witnessed horses galloping freely across > fields.  My favorite calming down activity is to go to the local animal > preserve and observe the Elk and Bison.

I read this before I went to bed and I had a very nice dream of galloping horses, days in the sun, fresh air and a beautiful natural landscape without any sign of human interference. I woke up very relaxed and happy. Thanks a lot for this description! Hope you are fine, nv

Response:

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