Question:
Hello. I’ve been lurking a couple of days, reading older posts and think I am "qualified." Diagnosed with PTSD due to surviving a shooting a couple years ago. I’m really feeling isolated. I’ve been seeing a trauma specialist psychologist since the shooting, but she had back surgery the first week of September and hasn’t been available. Don’t have anybody around who "gets it." I’m realizing that the shooting was one of many events that could have led to the symptoms I’ve got now. Seems like everything built up on past events. Sept 11 doesn’t help either. I loose myself in TV shows and try to take my mind off things but concentration isn’t my best suit. I keep avoiding things that really are innocuous – like preparing for work. I need to do things at home on my days off and can’t seem to get to it. Avoidance like crazy. So then I end up feeling incompetent. Last week, got into huge fight with hubby over him missing a deadline for our daughter — and I shoved him. NEVER have I been so angry. And looking back, it wasn’t anything major. Just seems like I’m back to being the jumpy, anxiety prone, self-doubting, exhausted woman I was the day I got back home from the shooting. Only it’s 2 1/2 years later and I’m not feeling like I’m ever "getting better." Went to a psychiatrist who runs an anger management group — after we talked for nearly an hour, he said I was more functional than anyone in his current group. Instead of anger management, he thought it sounded like I needed social support. Great – so now what? Yeah – so I’m functional. If I wasn’t "handling things" maybe I’d be getting better? So far, I haven’t been incapacitated by the PTSD. Yet. I’ve put one foot in front of the other — managed to finish a Master’s degree and try to raise my daughter. Kept saying to myself that if I quit, then the shooter won — and I wasn’t going to let him win anything from me! Now I’m thinking that I just put off the inevitable… that I’m going to fall apart any day now. Don’t really have any friends since graduation — hard to build new friendships. Seems like I’m too "different" from the average person now. Feeling alone and a little sorry for myself at the moment. I know I’ll be better later, but it’s tough today. Anyway, just thought I’d "check-in"
Response:
Hey Survivor; You are better than qualified – you fit right in with the whole pile of us. Welcome to life after trauma. Feelings do accumulate. Similar feelings bundle up. We really need to talk them out each day and try to work up resolutions for them as they come along. Writing them out here is helpful. Any effort that helps you get things on the outside where you might see them more clearly. I’ve even had some benfit from doing art work that I can put my feelings into. I am no way an artist. I just put my feelings into a few things that I am able to do. Our brains change during trauma to help us endure and survive an event. Our normal inner life (thoughts and feelings) shut down to stay out of the way. These changes don’t spring back easily. It makes things a little screwy for us until we learn to recognise which feelings are real and which ones are just a rush of hormones and neuro-chemicals. It’s like we have a head full of survival stuff that we don’t really need. Kinda makes it hard to develop and maintain relatonships with anybody and even more so with the no trauma people. I see a lot of reactive depression in our crowd too. I think maybe we all have some level of rage inside of us somewhere. (probably generated during the trauma or a related experience) We feel frightened that the rage might harm someone or mess up a perfectly good morning so we use depression to help us diminish the rage. Interesting bunch aren’t we? I hope your specialist will recover nicely from the back surgery. I also hope you’ll let someone near you listen while you talk things out. Hubby would be best if willing. Non-trauma people can be very helpful if we just help them understand things. Only a committed and motivated helper will do though. We scare others off pretty quick. Anyway, nice of you to stop in. Steve "Survivor" <survivor2…@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:c4e4bbf7.0110101546.3876e6b2@posting.google.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hello. I’ve been lurking a couple of days, reading older posts and > think I am "qualified." Diagnosed with PTSD due to surviving a > shooting a couple years ago. I’m really feeling isolated. I’ve been > seeing a trauma specialist psychologist since the shooting, but she > had back surgery the first week of September and hasn’t been > available. Don’t have anybody around who "gets it." > I’m realizing that the shooting was one of many events that could have > led to the symptoms I’ve got now. Seems like everything built up on > past events. Sept 11 doesn’t help either. > I loose myself in TV shows and try to take my mind off things but > concentration isn’t my best suit. I keep avoiding things that really > are innocuous – like preparing for work. I need to do things at home > on my days off and can’t seem to get to it. Avoidance like crazy. So > then I end up feeling incompetent. > Last week, got into huge fight with hubby over him missing a deadline > for our daughter — and I shoved him. NEVER have I been so angry. And > looking back, it wasn’t anything major. Just seems like I’m back to > being the jumpy, anxiety prone, self-doubting, exhausted woman I was > the day I got back home from the shooting. Only it’s 2 1/2 years later > and I’m not feeling like I’m ever "getting better." Went to a > psychiatrist who runs an anger management group — after we talked for > nearly an hour, he said I was more functional than anyone in his > current group. Instead of anger management, he thought it sounded like > I needed social support. Great – so now what? > Yeah – so I’m functional. If I wasn’t "handling things" maybe I’d be > getting better? So far, I haven’t been incapacitated by the PTSD. Yet. > I’ve put one foot in front of the other — managed to finish a > Master’s degree and try to raise my daughter. Kept saying to myself > that if I quit, then the shooter won — and I wasn’t going to let him > win anything from me! Now I’m thinking that I just put off the > inevitable… that I’m going to fall apart any day now. Don’t really > have any friends since graduation — hard to build new friendships. > Seems like I’m too "different" from the average person now. Feeling > alone and a little sorry for myself at the moment. I know I’ll be > better later, but it’s tough today. > Anyway, just thought I’d "check-in"
Response:
Hi Survivor, I’m glad you’re here and that you’ve de-lurked a bit. I read Steve’s post and what stood out the most was the depression angle. I’ve had that more than PTSD it seems. Well, I’m diagnosed with PTSD and major dysthemia (sp?) depression too. The depression paralyzes me in some of the same ways that you described. Meds help, but as my therapist says they are only 30-40% of the answer. The rest takes time. Forever, if you ask me on bad days; maybe less if you ask on good days. Welcome to support…I hope that you find some answers to the fears you articulated and that your therapist will be back in business soon. It is very hard to deal with the break in therapy when you know you need it. Kristine If natural energy and impulses are too severely suppressed for too long, they become violent. It’s natural for something that’s been held under pressure to become violent in its release…Jim Morrison
Response:
Hi Survivor, Well, glad you de-lurked. And yep, you’re in the right place. Welcome. : ) Social support, huh? That’s a hard one for someone with PTSD. Are you going to be able to do that? Establish a yourself a support system? You sound really frustrated & tired. Do you feel that if you were in worse shape, you would get the attention you need? Sort of like maybe your psychiatrist is blowing you off some? I know that feeling, people assuming you’ll be just fine, etc. It’s enough to just make you mad, isn’t it? You do know it’s not uncommon to slide back under severe stress, right? (just making sure, please don’t take offense if you already knew that). You’re not the least bit abnormal in THAT respect. Triggers, they just suck, don’t they? : ( I hope you feel a little better soon. Hang in there, okay? It’s hard, but you saying what you did about letting the shooter win? Same way I’ve always felt about my abusers. And it’s true. The best revenge is living well. Only problem is how the hell to get THERE. *big sigh* kat "Survivor" <survivor2…@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:c4e4bbf7.0110101546.3876e6b2@posting.google.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hello. I’ve been lurking a couple of days, reading older posts and > think I am "qualified." Diagnosed with PTSD due to surviving a > shooting a couple years ago. I’m really feeling isolated. I’ve been > seeing a trauma specialist psychologist since the shooting, but she > had back surgery the first week of September and hasn’t been > available. Don’t have anybody around who "gets it." > I’m realizing that the shooting was one of many events that could have > led to the symptoms I’ve got now. Seems like everything built up on > past events. Sept 11 doesn’t help either. > I loose myself in TV shows and try to take my mind off things but > concentration isn’t my best suit. I keep avoiding things that really > are innocuous – like preparing for work. I need to do things at home > on my days off and can’t seem to get to it. Avoidance like crazy. So > then I end up feeling incompetent. > Last week, got into huge fight with hubby over him missing a deadline > for our daughter — and I shoved him. NEVER have I been so angry. And > looking back, it wasn’t anything major. Just seems like I’m back to > being the jumpy, anxiety prone, self-doubting, exhausted woman I was > the day I got back home from the shooting. Only it’s 2 1/2 years later > and I’m not feeling like I’m ever "getting better." Went to a > psychiatrist who runs an anger management group — after we talked for > nearly an hour, he said I was more functional than anyone in his > current group. Instead of anger management, he thought it sounded like > I needed social support. Great – so now what? > Yeah – so I’m functional. If I wasn’t "handling things" maybe I’d be > getting better? So far, I haven’t been incapacitated by the PTSD. Yet. > I’ve put one foot in front of the other — managed to finish a > Master’s degree and try to raise my daughter. Kept saying to myself > that if I quit, then the shooter won — and I wasn’t going to let him > win anything from me! Now I’m thinking that I just put off the > inevitable… that I’m going to fall apart any day now. Don’t really > have any friends since graduation — hard to build new friendships. > Seems like I’m too "different" from the average person now. Feeling > alone and a little sorry for myself at the moment. I know I’ll be > better later, but it’s tough today. > Anyway, just thought I’d "check-in"
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