Question:
Jana, If it will make you feel any better, I’ve had a total of four knee surgeries in the past 15 years, with the last one being a really serious surgery and I’m still alive and walking. To me, the pain of therapy and the mental anguish was much worse than the operations themselves. I don’t know what type of surgery your having, but I’m sure everything will turn out just fine for you. 
Response:
Would anyone else like to add a bit of stress to my life? Jeez. Yesterday, I get a notice that I have recieved a certified letter from my job saying. I picked up this letter and read that they were going to charge me Family and Medical Leave Act time to take time off for my knee surgery which is supposed to be Workers Comp. I was so angry and frustrated that I was in tears. I think my supervisor was worried about me. But, I went to my attorney and got it straightened out. Then my work place says that they are going to create a desk job for me so that I won’t be off of work for quite as long with my knee. Great. I had plans during that time off (applying to grad school and stuff). Knee surgery is tomorrow. I pray that I don’t die on the operating table. My coworker keeps talking about her pregnancy and crap I told them that I didn’t want to hear it. Only because they didn’t want to hear about my illness. Why do I have to listen to her? Grrrr. I couldn’t get the computer to print things out for me she sat down and just wooshed it out. No problems. We had OSHA training that I was going to go with my coworkers to, but both of them had their husbands (who also work for our agency) go with them. They saved my coworkers a seat, but I had to sit against the wall. Then, I came home from work and found my apartment door unlocked and every light in the house on. I still don’t know why. Nothing is missing. I guess its another night of sleeping with my couch up against the door that is if I sleep at all. Another friend is getting married on Sunday. I was supposed to be in the wedding but can’t be because of knee surgery. She wants to know if I am going to be there. I hate to ask my folks to drive me someplace else. I have to go to follow up group tonight but don’t see the point since everyone seems to think that I’m being fucking manipulative. Jeez. I try to tell people that my life is different from theirs. I try to say that they don’t understand what its like to get going and smack into a brick wall. Then, back up, try again and hit a different brick wall and back up and try again and well, you get the picture. Someone tell me again why I’m fighting? Why don’t I just give in? Why don’t I run away become homeless somewhere and get everything done for me like I do for my clients? What makes me so freaking different from them? Because I don’t know. I’ve got PTSD. I didn’t have a good childhood. I hear voices. I do other things that they do. Why do I have to be different? I keep thinking that I’ll have to do it someday, but then again, I’m scared to die on the operating table tomorrow. My therp says that I’m scared of the surgery because it is the ultimate out of control situation. I will be sound asleep while other people look at me and put holes in my body. The ultimate loss of control. Maybe thats it. I don’t know. Ok, I’ll stop now. sorry, if you read this long, it wasn’t really worth it. I just needed to scream somewhere where I would be heard and no one would try to rationalize things away. Which is what will happen at group tonight and if I were to call ERS. Ok, and I’m still rambling, so I’ll shut up. Again, sorry for the intrusion. jana whose life SUCKS right now.
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