Question:
Hi there. Well… I can speak from the point of view of having been a kid not long ago. Please try not to ’split’ a person in two; the rage he shows is still him, it’s just frustration and maybe even a testing of you– trying to push you away because he’s been hurt before. As a parent it’s important always to be available to him and make sure you keep up your strength and keep your own happiness going… don’t let him cut into your well-being.. however he does need other sources of support and making those available to him is important. It’s not all you. But the hardest thing is faith. He’s responsible for getting his own support.. there’s no forcing, no coercing, there’s only making available and praying. Hope that’s something. -d – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Now he’s 19 and there are two of him. I don’t believe he actually has "alters", but there is an "into it" Roger and an "out of it" Roger. The "into it" Roger is employed, respectful, helpful, and cooperative. Roger has been into it since October. He lost his job about two weeks ago, and although I think he could have worked harder to keep it, things at work were getting crazy, and he can’t handle that kind of stress. Since he has been unemployed, he is heading toward being out of it. The "out of it" Roger has no money, so always asks for money for cigarettes and Mountain Dew. He is disrespectful toward me and the other kids. He comes up with crazy plans and won’t accept "no" when you won’t become involved in them. I really love this kid. He is so enjoyable when he is into it, and I don’t view love as conditional or based on behavior. Yet, I have to not give him money for cigarettes and Mountain Dew, and I have to stick by the agreement of "No work, no vehicle". I have been to therapy and have Xanax to take if my anxiety gets too much for me. PLEASE, you guys understand what this is all about and I need advice and support. This kid is going to get worse. I’ve been through 71/2 years of this pattern and I can see the writing on the wall. Email me or write to the group, I read it every day. Sorry this is so long. Cor
Response:
Cor, First of all, I think if your husband does not know about these temper tantrums this man (yes, he *is* a man, now, not a child) throws when you tell him no, you should tell him. This kind of behavior is unacceptable under *any* circumstances. The fact that he hasn’t hit anyone yet means nothing. It sounds like terror tactics to me. The other thing I would advise (and you’re definitely not obliged to take my advice if you don’t want to), is that you make it clear to this childish man that his behavior is unacceptable, and that the next time he starts smashing things and throwing thing, you *will* call the police on him. Of course, the catch to this is that you must be prepared to carry out the threat, which is even harder than making it in the first place. I wish I could tell you that if you do this, everything will be all right. I can’t. I can tell you I’ve been in a similar stituation, and much as you may love this boy/man, you do *not* deserve to be treated this way. And he has no right to terrorize you like this. Susan
Response:
Hey Susan I will second that thought … mansi
Response:
I am inspired by all of you! There is such a sense of healing in just the fact that these posts are so articulate. I have been avidly reading this newsgroup since I found out how to use newsgroups, and I need help. I have an adopted 19 year old who is the joy of my life. He is smart, talented, very physically attractive, and suffers severely from PTSD due to extreme abuse by a sick, sadistic natural father. We got him when he was 12. Now he’s 19 and there are two of him. I don’t believe he actually has "alters", but there is an "into it" Roger and an "out of it" Roger. The "into it" Roger is employed, respectful, helpful, and cooperative. Roger has been into it since October. He lost his job about two weeks ago, and although I think he could have worked harder to keep it, things at work were getting crazy, and he can’t handle that kind of stress. Since he has been unemployed, he is heading toward being out of it. The "out of it" Roger has no money, so always asks for money for cigarettes and Mountain Dew. He is disrespectful toward me and the other kids. He comes up with crazy plans and won’t accept "no" when you won’t become involved in them. My husband, Roger and I agree that owning a vehicle makes him really anxious, and it never works. My husband and I agreed that he could have pretty much unlimited use of our vehicle, provided that he was working. Now that he is unemployed, my husband is adamant that he not use a vehicle, and I am afraid to say no. So I say yes and hope "Dad" doesn’t find out. The "out of it" Roger will get mad, blow up, smash things (he hasn’t hit anyone, thank God) and disappear for weeks (sometimes months). When he is gone, I get really anxious. When he is here and out of it I get anxious. I think that dealing with him and two other abuse survivors (not as severe) has given me mild PTSD myself. I really love this kid. He is so enjoyable when he is into it, and I don’t view love as conditional or based on behavior. Yet, I have to not give him money for cigarettes and Mountain Dew, and I have to stick by the agreement of "No work, no vehicle". I have been to therapy and have Xanax to take if my anxiety gets too much for me. PLEASE, you guys understand what this is all about and I need advice and support. This kid is going to get worse. I’ve been through 71/2 years of this pattern and I can see the writing on the wall. Email me or write to the group, I read it every day. Sorry this is so long. Cor
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