Question:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I was wondering, after reading many posts over the last few months, why people chuck names at people. I mean for example if someone called me stupid… it would totally freak me out. The other things bitch whore etc…. now none of these get said that often.. But… Liar…. my mum used to call me that… hurt then hurts now. Hurts… if someone called me liar,, i would instantly go back years. Abuser….. is not a word that should be thrown at an angry person. Especially in this environment. Anything about someones disability, or weight, race…… It is all so wrong… Words could drive someone to suicide, that is something I could never have on my conscience. I care about myself and about others. I come here for support and friendship not hate. I hate all the name calling, it is uncalled for and hurtful, it can do nothing other than hurt. We are adults, we can talk without hurting, it is possible, we have dictionaries full of words we can use instead. I am not a big swearer, had my fill as a kid, if I talk to someone I prefer to respect them, not hurt them.. Karma, whatever we put out we receive. Give out hate receive hate. Now I have never actually believed in that, but am starting to. We have had many examples of it here. I am just one, I do not like calling people name. But have done it in my past, the intent then was to hurt, it worked. I shall never again do that. I am human I err, when I do and realise it I apologise. I can do nothing to influence others actions, I would like to discuss the whys of name-calling… Sera
it’s a good topic, definitely. thanks for starting this thread! i’ve made mistakes and either swore at or called people names, and apologized. even if i think i’m right, it’s wrong to insult or hurt another. i know what you mean about we have dictionaries full of words we can use instead. words are big triggers for me, i can instantly go back years also. the only one calling me names when i was growing up was my dad (other than kids calling me "four eyes" at school). he was able to play me like a puppet by calling me certain names or using certain phrases 
it wasn’t the swears or typical insults that hurt, as much as the "normal" words that he twisted to mean his own meanings. he called me "selfish" or "manipulative" only when i’d beg him not to <abuse me. he said i had "crocodile tears" when i cried from being abused. he told me i was "overly dramatic" when i’d fall down from his slamming me up against a doorknob in my kidneys. he also told me stuff like, "no one will ever believe anything you say" and "you have a very quiet way of making people want to hurt you" *shudder* those kinds of things, they don’t really sound like bad words or insults, but it’s the context he said them in that was so terrifying. i mean, how can a little 4-yr-old girl be manipulative if she’s just begging her dad to stop hitting her?? of course it wasn’t manipulative, i know that now. but i still get knocked over when i hear certain words or phrases. it’s so hard to explain to others why a "non insulting" word or phrase is so triggering. i’m still so sensitive that i burst into tears if someone calls me a name, and then i hear my dad’s voice in my head, "shut up your crocodile tears, quit faking it" and then i don’t know what to do. i feel totally lost. i can’t speak, i can’t cry, i just get lost. the voices we hear in the present can trigger all those voices from the past. and that’s a sad chorus of voices to have to live with peace, karmagrrl
Response:
Y I othen wonder what it would be like. To be that self assured. Not to have to always second guess yourself and just let your best be your best. You just have to do it. Build on little sucesses work up to bigger ones.
I can relate to this. You do just have to do it. To grab onto something you want – be the best you can – and hang on for dear life. I do this every day and sometimes I’m terrified, but the terror doesn’t stop me anymore, the rewards far surpass the fear. It the hardest thing I ever did for myself and the best. Ellies and I were talking about this on Sat morning on IRC, we had the best conversation about it. Ellies??? are you out there, come join this!!!! Pat is also in the process of doing this, we talk about it – Ms. meanol?? come join us!!! Anyone else terrified at trying something new and doing it well? Come on down!!! Join in. Crisis – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text — ht Thanks ht Brenda — z z | z _,,,–,, /,`.-’`’ ._ -;;,_ |,4- ) )_ .;.( `’-’ ‘—”(_/._)-’(__) "Love makes you real" – The Velvetine Rabbit — http://www.GeoCities.com/SoHo/Nook/7680
Response:
Hello ht, – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi Carey and Sera, The vast majority of the time…I avoid it…I simply see it as hurtful and ineffective in really doing any good… though I still have a bad habit of swearing and name calling at myself from time to time when I get frustrated with something that I am doing that is not quite working out… A strange habit since I am real slow to use it against other folks…then I discovered that they were shadows of my parents demanding their voice…it happens less and less as time goes by. I know what it is like to have a strong parental voice constantly demanding to be heard. I get that too, though it’s not so much a voice, as it is a feeling and images.
Yes it is, I never thought about it, it just is.. Geez my parents need and in past tense for my father a right kick up the ass. I was almost going to let the "name calling" thread go by, because I thought that I really didn’t relate to it. My parents never called me names or insults. I did get more than my share of nasty name calling from the other kids, but never from my parents.
That I am grateful for, but from reading your next paragraph, something equally as disturbing and hurtful replaced it. What I got was just the opposite. They always told me that I had so much potential. It should have made me feel good about myself, but it had the exact opposite effect, because every time that I made the smallest mistake, they always told me that I could do better, because I had so much potential. And it was often the smallest mistake that lead to the most extreme punishments.
Ok.. this sounds strange but about 50 percent of the time I was the worlds greatest slut, bitch etc.. the rest of the time I was thought by my mother as some great scholar, mother got a mathematics scholarship, so expected me to be just as intelligent. So one second I was evil the next brilliant.. what can a kid do? hehehehe split! Shame it is not funny really. Humour would be good right now. Sera – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text — ht — And if life is just a highway — then the soul is just a car, And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are.
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – mean, how can a little 4-yr-old girl be manipulative if she’s just begging her dad to stop hitting her?? of course it wasn’t manipulative, i know that now. but i still get knocked over when i hear certain words or phrases.< Oh, karmagrrl….I had no idea. From now on, when I believe Crisis or another is being deliberately manipulative, or lying about crying, Well now, there you go again! Sheesh! Are you truly *that thick*?
James on the topic of name-calling.. "thick" is a name, best used to describe wood not people. I will try to find a different way to say it. You know, I may be incredibly stupid here, but something tells me it’s not a matter of you rephrasing it. Seems likely that collectively, every different way you could think of to phrase it, someone has already heard that specific phrasing used to cause the same intentional pain in the same abusive
situations. James…. I wish you had not brought this here. From what I see, Liz has made a pledge to do something that can be hurtful in a non-hurtful way. And no you are not stupid. Instead of trying to find a different way to say it, perhaps the preferred solution would be to simply not say it at all!
James with all respect that could apply to you too. Of course the four year old you wasn’t lying…huigs hugs hugs if you want them. You know, I once asked my dad….when I was so little, and under you, screaming I’m sorry daddy, i love you daddy, please stop daddy….how could you keep lifting your arm? And he told me it seemed like I just wanted to be bad. I am so sorry
Sera
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I was wondering, after reading many posts over the last few months, why people chuck names at people. I mean for example if someone called me stupid… it would totally freak me out. The other things bitch whore etc…. now none of these get said that often.. But… Liar…. my mum used to call me that… hurt then hurts now. Hurts… if someone called me liar,, i would instantly go back years. Abuser….. is not a word that should be thrown at an angry person. Especially in this environment. Anything about someones disability, or weight, race…… It is all so wrong… Words could drive someone to suicide, that is something I could never have on my conscience. I care about myself and about others. I come here for support and friendship not hate. I hate all the name calling, it is uncalled for and hurtful, it can do nothing other than hurt. We are adults, we can talk without hurting, it is possible, we have dictionaries full of words we can use instead. I am not a big swearer, had my fill as a kid, if I talk to someone I prefer to respect them, not hurt them.. Karma, whatever we put out we receive. Give out hate receive hate. Now I have never actually believed in that, but am starting to. We have had many examples of it here. I am just one, I do not like calling people name. But have done it in my past, the intent then was to hurt, it worked. I shall never again do that. I am human I err, when I do and realise it I apologise. I can do nothing to influence others actions, I would like to discuss the whys of name-calling… Sera
Hello. smiles. it’s a good topic, definitely. thanks for starting this thread! i’ve made mistakes and either swore at or called people names, and apologized. even if i think i’m right, it’s wrong to insult or hurt another. i know what you mean about we have dictionaries full of words we can use instead.
It is easier to be cruel sometimes, or nasty, we have all done it at sometime. A quick retort, regretted as soon as said. Or if we are really mad, we are determined in our mind that we mean exactly what we say, sometimes we are fighting and need to get the upper hand, so the odd word comes in to play. My mother, called me many things, she didn’t have to, she chose to. For a parent to call their child, dirty, and slut, which she did… and liar, and hmm whore on the odd occasion. And stupid.. Now am I wrong here but shouldn’t a parent be nurturing their child? I already do the, Calen that was a naughty thing to do, rather than Calen you naughty boy. Self- esteem is something we are not born with. We are a blank canvas, just need some wonderful people to teach us how to live and be. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -words are big triggers for me, i can instantly go back years also. the only one calling me names when i was growing up was my dad (other than kids calling me "four eyes" at school). he was able to play me like a puppet by calling me certain names or using certain phrases it wasn’t the swears or typical insults that hurt, as much as the "normal" words that he twisted to mean his own meanings. he called me "selfish" or "manipulative" only when i’d beg him not to <abuse me. he said i had "crocodile tears" when i cried from being abused. he told me i was "overly dramatic" when i’d fall down from his slamming me up against a doorknob in my kidneys. he also told me stuff like, "no one will ever believe anything you say" and "you have a very quiet way of making people want to hurt you" *shudder* those kinds of things, they don’t really sound like bad words or insults, but it’s the context he said them in that was so terrifying. i mean, how can a little 4-yr-old girl be manipulative if she’s just begging her dad to stop hitting her?? of course it wasn’t manipulative, i know that now. but i still get knocked over when i hear certain words or phrases.
I think that our basic reactions to things are taught to us as children. Yes as adults we can move forward, but we are backward in so many ways. We have to fight so much harder, it makes for stronger people, but boy is it hard. It is amazing that we have come through, if you look back and see all that pain, and you think wow I actually survived. Incredible. It sickens me how children like you, me and so many others were and are being treated. It could make me so mad, but I can’t allow that to happen, anger does me little good. it’s so hard to explain to others why a "non insulting" word or phrase is so triggering. i’m still so sensitive that i burst into tears if someone calls me a name, and then i hear my dad’s voice in my head, "shut up your crocodile tears, quit faking it" and then i don’t know what to do. i feel totally lost. i can’t speak, i can’t cry, i just get
lost. I used to get "oh go on then here comes the melodrama" if I cried. Or "here comes the Queen of melodrama". It seemed that even me crying was not allowed…. hey at least we had our minds. the voices we hear in the present can trigger all those voices from the past. and that’s a sad chorus of voices to have to live with
Yes. It is. what way forward though??? I do not know. peace, karmagrrl
Sera
Response:
Hello Brenda,
You put it very well Sera. Not much for me to add.
Smile thank you. You could add a lot from what I have seen you post. It’s all pretty childish isn’t it? People revert to being a child and lash out from there.
It is childish yes. I don’t think that is an insult though.. I know that as soon as someone hurts me in whatever way, I revert to a child, because that is where I learnt how to deal with pain, anger, violence. I was in anger school from a young age. So I deal with it better as a child than as an adult. Because as an adult I have to be more objective, and if someone hurts me I do not wish to be objective, I want first someone to know I am hurting, second for the hurt to go away, and third someone to comfort me. That rarely happens. But that is what a big part of me needs when I am hurt. It is what I try to do for others. My childhood wasn’t like yours, but it wasn’t much fun. I was always confused about why I felt different. And I got the message from mom that she really didn’t care that much, that I was pretty much on my own. That hurt.
Brenda that would hurt immensely. Hugs. There were a lot of kids who were hurt and angry. We all used angry hurtful words. So many children who were hurting! It’s very sad.
Sad yes, but in some ways a normal part of growing up. Sad all the same. And now we’re all grown up and we keep hurting each other.
I think we hurt ourselves more. Sera – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Brenda I was wondering, after reading many posts over the last few months, why people chuck names at people. I mean for example if someone called me stupid… it would totally freak me out. The other things bitch whore etc…. now none of these get said that often.. But… Liar…. my mum used to call me that… hurt then hurts now. Hurts… if someone called me liar,, i would instantly go back years. Abuser….. is not a word that should be thrown at an angry person. Especially in this environment. Anything about someones disability, or weight, race…… It is all so wrong… Words could drive someone to suicide, that is something I could never have on my conscience. I care about myself and about others. I come here for support and friendship not hate. I hate all the name calling, it is uncalled for and hurtful, it can do nothing other than hurt. We are adults, we can talk without hurting, it is possible, we have dictionaries full of words we can use instead. I am not a big swearer, had my fill as a kid, if I talk to someone I prefer to respect them, not hurt them.. Karma, whatever we put out we receive. Give out hate receive hate. Now I have never actually believed in that, but am starting to. We have had many examples of it here. I am just one, I do not like calling people name. But have done it in my past, the intent then was to hurt, it worked. I shall never again do that. I am human I err, when I do and realise it I apologise. I can do nothing to influence others actions, I would like to discuss the whys of name-calling… Sera — z z | z _,,,–,, /,`.-’`’ ._ -;;,_ |,4- ) )_ .;.( `’-’ ‘—”(_/._)-’(__) "Love makes you real" – The Velvetine Rabbit — http://www.GeoCities.com/SoHo/Nook/7680
Response:
Hello Alan, Stick and stones break bones and words really hurt you.
Yes. This is just your historical issues that are unhealed and haunt you.
I agree. Its how PTSD works.
What does that stand for? When you are sick and tired of your disease Sera – you will do the work to get better and not before.
I also agree, there is a time for everything, including healing, we are not able to do it until we are ready. I will not push it, it shall come of its own free-will, I shall help it along the way though. And Sera you can not figure out why other people say what they say – you can only figure out what you say what you say.
Yes this I know, but I can wonder. After all you dont live in their bodies – you only live in yours as much as you are able to right now with the emotional wounds you have that keeps your mind in its prison.
But but sometimes this ever moving prison actually has a nice view from the window. Gives me hope. That Jesus fella is always knocking on the door – even saying cuss words on the other side cuase you are not listening – and it is you who has the lock and the key. Not Jesus. He will not violate your boundaries or seek to control your life or how you talk – now will he…
Boundaries are something I am working on, never thought about them much, need them. Something else I am thinking about a lot lately… will leave for another time. sumbuddie duex amour
Sera – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I was wondering, after reading many posts over the last few months, why people chuck names at people. I mean for example if someone called me stupid… it would totally freak me out. The other things bitch whore etc…. now none of these get said that often.. But… Liar…. my mum used to call me that… hurt then hurts now. Hurts… if someone called me liar,, i would instantly go back years. Abuser….. is not a word that should be thrown at an angry person. Especially in this environment. Anything about someones disability, or weight, race…… It is all so wrong… Words could drive someone to suicide, that is something I could never have on my conscience. I care about myself and about others. I come here for support and friendship not hate. I hate all the name calling, it is uncalled for and hurtful, it can do nothing other than hurt. We are adults, we can talk without hurting, it is possible, we have dictionaries full of words we can use instead. I am not a big swearer, had my fill as a kid, if I talk to someone I prefer to respect them, not hurt them.. Karma, whatever we put out we receive. Give out hate receive hate. Now I have never actually believed in that, but am starting to. We have had many examples of it here. I am just one, I do not like calling people name. But have done it in my past, the intent then was to hurt, it worked. I shall never again do that. I am human I err, when I do and realise it I apologise. I can do nothing to influence others actions, I would like to discuss the whys of name-calling… Sera
Response:
You put it very well Sera. Not much for me to add. It’s all pretty childish isn’t it? People revert to being a child and lash out from there. My childhood wasn’t like yours, but it wasn’t much fun. I was always confused about why I felt different. And I got the message from mom that she really didn’t care that much, that I was pretty much on my own. That hurt. There were a lot of kids who were hurt and angry. We all used angry hurtful words. So many children who were hurting! It’s very sad. And now we’re all grown up and we keep hurting each other. Brenda – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I was wondering, after reading many posts over the last few months, why people chuck names at people. I mean for example if someone called me stupid… it would totally freak me out. The other things bitch whore etc…. now none of these get said that often.. But… Liar…. my mum used to call me that… hurt then hurts now. Hurts… if someone called me liar,, i would instantly go back years. Abuser….. is not a word that should be thrown at an angry person. Especially in this environment. Anything about someones disability, or weight, race…… It is all so wrong… Words could drive someone to suicide, that is something I could never have on my conscience. I care about myself and about others. I come here for support and friendship not hate. I hate all the name calling, it is uncalled for and hurtful, it can do nothing other than hurt. We are adults, we can talk without hurting, it is possible, we have dictionaries full of words we can use instead. I am not a big swearer, had my fill as a kid, if I talk to someone I prefer to respect them, not hurt them.. Karma, whatever we put out we receive. Give out hate receive hate. Now I have never actually believed in that, but am starting to. We have had many examples of it here. I am just one, I do not like calling people name. But have done it in my past, the intent then was to hurt, it worked. I shall never again do that. I am human I err, when I do and realise it I apologise. I can do nothing to influence others actions, I would like to discuss the whys of name-calling… Sera
– z z | z _,,,–,, /,`.-’`’ ._ -;;,_ |,4- ) )_ .;.( `’-’ ‘—”(_/._)-’(__) "Love makes you real" — The Velvetine Rabbit — http://www.GeoCities.com/SoHo/Nook/7680
Response:
Carey for some reason your post never appeared on my server so am replying to the one that rachmaninov wrote. Good morning Sera, It is me, Carey… My birth family was big into the name calling thing…and profanities…usually screamed…but sometimes muttered…way too often accompanied by physical violence.
<nods there is a simple fact, some people should not have children. Sometimes I think the intent is to convey anger…to give expression to anger. Sometimes I think the intent is to warn and/or intimidate other folks. Much of the time, I see it as an attempt to hurt other folks…to gain power and advantage. And maybe, sometimes…it is a way of simply venting…
Yes I think that for me when I used to use anger as a way of communicating, it was in part to express my feelings. But also it was me begging for help, I could never understand why no-one could see through the fiery demon that I was, to the nice gentle but hurt soul inside. Sometimes the sweetest fruit is behind the prickliest skin. Giggles.. (sorry that made me laugh, trying to think of myself as sweet on the inside and having a prickly skin). tee hee. ok and onward. Warning yes, I think you can be an angry person and a caring one at the same time, it is how you use the anger. Words are not weapons unless the intent is to attack, demean, humiliate, or shame etc…. It is the intent behind the words that is the problem, but intent is something hard to see, or feel, we have to have focus for our pain. So for those of us who had words thrown as weapons, we focus on those, and they become a catalyst for our emotional well-being. Did that make sense? did to me. :) As an expression of anger it can be effective…but my experience has been that once that starts to take place the chances of getting at the source of the anger is diminished greatly…and so issues go unresolved to flare up yet again some other day.
Not sure if I agree. hmm….. from my experience and that is all I can call on, there was nothing that would stop me expressing my anger in an abusive way except a big wake up call. As I have said before that happened when my boyfriend ran out of the house, actually scared of me, I had ranted and raved at him, hit him once, and basically made him feel like shit. I know many can’t see me as this person, but just accept that I am, I was, I am still, but I don’t express my anger that way anymore. To me it was counter-productive… anyway I digress. Sometimes it works at intimidating other folks….into forcing a resolution of sorts…as folks attempt to avoid the being bullied. And this can be effective…but only until the person using this technique is vulnerable in one way or another…and then things tend to come home to roost in very unhappy ways…
methinks you may wish to start an anger thread! I would have a lot to say on that subject!!! I speak too much though. The vast majority of the time…I avoid it…I simply see it as hurtful and ineffective in really doing any good… though I still have a bad habit of swearing and name calling at myself from time to time when I get frustrated with something that I am doing that is not quite working out… A strange habit since I am real slow to use it against other folks…then I discovered that they were shadows of my parents demanding their voice…it happens less and less as time goes by.
I like myself so much more since I stopped using words as weapons. Re myself I do the swearing thing too… but I have to allow the odd vice… I suppose, for some folks, it is a substitute for physical violence…and that may be progress, in it’s own way…
Yes…. sometimes the two go hand in hand though, or one breeds the other. Wrongly chanelled anger is a dangerous thing. I know from both sides of the fence. Just some thoughts…
Smile… good ones. Sera – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -In so many words…
Response:
mean, how can a little 4-yr-old girl be manipulative if she’s just begging her dad to stop hitting her?? of course it wasn’t manipulative, i know that now. but i still get knocked over when i hear certain words or phrases.< Oh, karmagrrl….I had no idea. From now on, when I believe Crisis or another is being deliberately manipulative, or lying about crying,
Well now, there you go again! Sheesh! Are you truly *that thick*? I will try to find a different way to say it.
You know, I may be incredibly stupid here, but something tells me it’s not a matter of you rephrasing it. Seems likely that collectively, every different way you could think of to phrase it, someone has already heard that specific phrasing used to cause the same intentional pain in the same abusive situations. Instead of trying to find a different way to say it, perhaps the preferred solution would be to simply not say it at all! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Of course the four year old you wasn’t lying…huigs hugs hugs if you want them. You know, I once asked my dad….when I was so little, and under you, screaming I’m sorry daddy, i love you daddy, please stop daddy….how could you keep lifting your arm? And he told me it seemed like I just wanted to be bad. I am so sorry
Response:
<snip My mother would say that the f-word was a big effort from a small mind. Mary
Well, I would have to agree with your mother on this Mary. Perhaps you could have a Mother to Daughter chat and your influence could curb it’s use somewhat. I can only recall your Daughter using it in an unrestrained manner recently. James
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[clip] i mean, how can a little 4-yr-old girl be manipulative if she’s just begging her dad to stop hitting her?? of course it wasn’t manipulative, i know that now. but i still get knocked over when i hear certain words or phrases.
You know, I once heard my father do that to my mother. She asked him to do something, and he jumped all over her, saying she was manipulating him. I was sitting there going "huh?" it’s so hard to explain to others why a "non insulting" word or phrase is so triggering. i’m still so sensitive that i burst into tears if someone calls me a name, and then i hear my dad’s voice in my head, "shut up your crocodile tears, quit faking it" and then i don’t know what to do. i feel totally lost. i can’t speak, i can’t cry, i just get
lost. It’s ok to hurt. It’s ok to cry. People in pain *do* cry – that’s what we’re *supposed* to do. Hopefully, some day soon, you will be able to do that again. If it helps, this is to your "father": GET OUT OF KARMA’S HEAD!!!! the voices we hear in the present can trigger all those voices from the past. and that’s a sad chorus of voices to have to live with peace, karmagrrl
Peace to you, too. Dragon The delusion that you can pester people into the Kingdom of Heaven is almost as stupid as the popular idea that you can torture them into it 8). Averti, January 1999.
Response:
[snip] What I got was just the opposite. They always told me that I had so much potential. It should have made me feel good about myself, but it had the exact opposite effect, because every time that I made the smallest mistake, they always told me that I could do better, because I had so much potential. And it was often the smallest mistake that lead to the most extreme punishments.
Yeah! Same for me. I was an "underachiever." Didn’t get the "extreme punishments" though. Emotional abuse does that to you. It drags you down like a huge lead weight. I went out with this guy last fall, Charles. He said he had never seen anyone functioning so far below their potential. Gee, thanks Charles. I othen wonder what it would be like. To be that self assured. Not to have to always second guess yourself and just let your best be your best. You just have to do it. Build on little sucesses work up to bigger ones. — ht
Thanks ht Brenda — z z | z _,,,–,, /,`.-’`’ ._ -;;,_ |,4- ) )_ .;.( `’-’ ‘—”(_/._)-’(__) "Love makes you real" — The Velvetine Rabbit — http://www.GeoCities.com/SoHo/Nook/7680
Response:
<Snip to what I want to reply to What I got was just the opposite. They always told me that I had so much potential. It should have made me feel good about myself, but it had the exact opposite effect, because every time that I made the smallest mistake, they always told me that I could do better, because I had so much potential. And it was often the smallest mistake that lead to the most extreme punishments. — ht
Yes, precisely. We were -perfect- and brilliant and we had to prove it, always pushing and pushing for a higher standard, always trying to be better: Straight "A" grades weren’t good enough, if we didn’t make the Honors requirements. Every tiny error became the real end of the world, and that carried over into adulthood. We have a reputation as a nitpicking perfectionist. We are. Why? Because making errors is such a source of shame and self-derision still. Almost as bad as discovering we’re in over our heads in something, beyond our skill. Aiiie. Kennet& We are the wounded, healers of angels.
Response:
The names topic has brought back the hurt and anger when my sisters called me pimple face, pot gut and chip-on-her-shoulder. My mother would say that the f-word was a big effort from a small mind. Mary
Hugs and love for you.
Response:
mean, how can a little 4-yr-old girl
be manipulative if she’s just begging her dad to stop hitting her?? of course it wasn’t manipulative, i know that now. but i still get knocked over when i hear certain words or phrases.< Oh, karmagrrl….I had no idea. From now on, when I believe Crisis or another is being deliberately manipulative, or lying about crying, I will try to find a different way to say it. Of course the four year old you wasn’t lying…huigs hugs hugs if you want them. You know, I once asked my dad….when I was so little, and under you, screaming I’m sorry daddy, i love you daddy, please stop daddy….how could you keep lifting your arm? And he told me it seemed like I just wanted to be bad. I am so sorry
Response:
writes: Oh, karmagrrl….I had no idea. From now on, when I believe Crisis or another is being deliberately manipulative, or lying about crying, I will try to find a different way to say it.
Your obsessive focus on me is something you might want to examine in therapy someday …. or not. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –
Response:
(Tenacity9) writes: Your obsessive focus on me is something you might want to examine in therapy someday …. or not.< If it’s all the same to you, I would like to attempt to listen to what some *other* people are saying about *their* pain.
Actually I wasn’t talking about pain, I was speaking to obsession, transferrance and projection. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Liz http://www.geocities.com/wellesley/7368 "I don’t bother chasing mice around"- Stray Cats ; )
Response:
Hi Carey and Sera, The vast majority of the time…I avoid it…I simply see it as hurtful and ineffective in really doing any good… though I still have a bad habit of swearing and name calling at myself from time to time when I get frustrated with something that I am doing that is not quite working out… A strange habit since I am real slow to use it against other folks…then I discovered that they were shadows of my parents demanding their voice…it happens less and less as time goes by.
I know what it is like to have a strong parental voice constantly demanding to be heard. I get that too, though it’s not so much a voice, as it is a feeling and images. I was almost going to let the "name calling" thread go by, because I thought that I really didn’t relate to it. My parents never called me names or insults. I did get more than my share of nasty name calling from the other kids, but never from my parents. What I got was just the opposite. They always told me that I had so much potential. It should have made me feel good about myself, but it had the exact opposite effect, because every time that I made the smallest mistake, they always told me that I could do better, because I had so much potential. And it was often the smallest mistake that lead to the most extreme punishments. — ht — And if life is just a highway — then the soul is just a car, And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are.
Response:
Actually I wasn’t talking about pain, I was speaking to obsession, transferrance and projection.
Actually, I’m not particularly concerned with what you were talking about. Again…I am trying to have conversations with *other* people about what *they* would be talking about if not for this constant interference. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Liz http://www.geocities.com/wellesley/7368 "I don’t bother chasing mice around"- Stray Cats ; )
Response:
writes: Actually I wasn’t talking about pain, I was speaking to obsession, transferrance and projection. Actually, I’m not particularly concerned with what you were talking about. Again…I am trying to have conversations with *other* people about what *they* would be talking about if not for this constant interference.
But you see, this started out as a challenge and a joke to me, but you can’t stop. Every time I post you come back with something. You constantly target me. That post about me and cow thing? That was pure projection. If you are trying to have conversations with other people then you need to stop posting to me and do so. I pick up virtual bucks every time you answer me because of the joke. But what is the reward in it for you? What is with the vieled threats in email? You don’t know me Liz. You have applied to me your anger at someone else. It is my suspicion that it is your mother, but I don’t truly know that. What is shown to me by the whole thing going on here since you came is that you are a very troubled woman who is in a lot of pain. You can’t even leave the house because you are in so much pain. You don’t work, you don’t go out. You have panic attacks. You put on weight. That is no way to live a life. Your whole existance seems to be caught up in venting your anger on the internet. It is my thought that you targeted me because I have what you want. I find that flattering, but you can get that for yourself if you seek help. Instead of seeking help you target me. Maybe there is some reasoning there that if you somehow can take away what I have by breaking my spirit or causing my health to fail you will be better off. That would explain the email suggesting strokes and the intenseness of your posts, their venom which is so out of proportion to anything that has been said to you. I again urge you to get help for the housebound thing and the panic attacks and maybe then they can deal with the anger. I know you have had a hard life, bad marriages, violence and the reformatory when you were young. However the anger that was necessary then can only harm you now and it is doing that. It has caused you to completely cut yourself off from a life. It is not necessary to suffer like that. Get some help for yourself please Liz. Feel better, get a job that makes you happy, excell at something other than anger. Get those things that you so resent others having. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Liz http://www.geocities.com/wellesley/7368 "I don’t bother chasing mice around"- Stray Cats ; )
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I was wondering, after reading many posts over the last few months, why people chuck names at people. I mean for example if someone called me stupid… it would totally freak me out. The other things bitch whore etc…. now none of these get said that often.. But… Liar…. my mum used to call me that… hurt then hurts now. Hurts… if someone called me liar,, i would instantly go back years. Abuser….. is not a word that should be thrown at an angry person. Especially in this environment. Anything about someones disability, or weight, race…… It is all so wrong… Words could drive someone to suicide, that is something I could never have on my conscience. I care about myself and about others. I come here for support and friendship not hate. I hate all the name calling, it is uncalled for and hurtful, it can do nothing other than hurt. We are adults, we can talk without hurting, it is possible, we have dictionaries full of words we can use instead. I am not a big swearer, had my fill as a kid, if I talk to someone I prefer to respect them, not hurt them.. Karma, whatever we put out we receive. Give out hate receive hate. Now I have never actually believed in that, but am starting to. We have had many examples of it here. I am just one, I do not like calling people name. But have done it in my past, the intent then was to hurt, it worked. I shall never again do that. I am human I err, when I do and realise it I apologise. I can do nothing to influence others actions, I would like to discuss the whys of name-calling… Sera it’s a good topic, definitely. thanks for starting this thread! i’ve made mistakes and either swore at or called people names, and apologized. even if i think i’m right, it’s wrong to insult or hurt another. i know what you mean about we have dictionaries full of words we can use instead. words are big triggers for me, i can instantly go back years also. the only one calling me names when i was growing up was my dad (other than kids calling me "four eyes" at school). he was able to play me like a puppet by calling me certain names or using certain phrases it wasn’t the swears or typical insults that hurt, as much as the "normal" words that he twisted to mean his own meanings. he called me "selfish" or "manipulative" only when i’d beg him not to <abuse me. he said i had "crocodile tears" when i cried from being abused. he told me i was "overly dramatic" when i’d fall down from his slamming me up against a doorknob in my kidneys. he also told me stuff like, "no one will ever believe anything you say" and "you have a very quiet way of making people want to hurt you" *shudder* those kinds of things, they don’t really sound like bad words or insults, but it’s the context he said them in that was so terrifying. i mean, how can a little 4-yr-old girl be manipulative if she’s just begging her dad to stop hitting her?? of course it wasn’t manipulative, i know that now. but i still get knocked over when i hear certain words or phrases. it’s so hard to explain to others why a "non insulting" word or phrase is so triggering. i’m still so sensitive that i burst into tears if someone calls me a name, and then i hear my dad’s voice in my head, "shut up your crocodile tears, quit faking it" and then i don’t know what to do. i feel totally lost. i can’t speak, i can’t cry, i just get lost. the voices we hear in the present can trigger all those voices from the past. and that’s a sad chorus of voices to have to live with peace, karmagrrl
The names topic has brought back the hurt and anger when my sisters called me pimple face, pot gut and chip-on-her-shoulder. My mother would say that the f-word was a big effort from a small mind. Mary
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Good morning Sera, It is me, Carey… My birth family was big into the name calling thing…and profanities…usually screamed…but sometimes muttered…way too often accompanied by physical violence. Sometimes I think the intent is to convey anger…to give expression to anger. Sometimes I think the intent is to warn and/or intimidate other folks. Much of the time, I see it as an attempt to hurt other folks…to gain power and advantage. And maybe, sometimes…it is a way of simply venting… As an expression of anger it can be effective…but my experience has been that once that starts to take place the chances of getting at the source of the anger is diminished greatly…and so issues go unresolved to flare up yet again some other day. Sometimes it works at intimidating other folks….into forcing a resolution of sorts…as folks attempt to avoid the being bullied. And this can be effective…but only until the person using this technique is vulnerable in one way or another…and then things tend to come home to roost in very unhappy ways… The vast majority of the time…I avoid it…I simply see it as hurtful and ineffective in really doing any good… though I still have a bad habit of swearing and name calling at myself from time to time when I get frustrated with something that I am doing that is not quite working out… A strange habit since I am real slow to use it against other folks…then I discovered that they were shadows of my parents demanding their voice…it happens less and less as time goes by. I suppose, for some folks, it is a substitute for physical violence…and that may be progress, in it’s own way… Just some thoughts…
In so many words…
Response:
Stick and stones break bones and words really hurt you. This is just your historical issues that are unhealed and haunt you. Its how PTSD works. When you are sick and tired of your disease Sera – you will do the work to get better and not before. And Sera you can not figure out why other people say what they say – you can only figure out what you say what you say. After all you dont live in their bodies – you only live in yours as much as you are able to right now with the emotional wounds you have that keeps your mind in its prison. That Jesus fella is always knocking on the door – even saying cuss words on the other side cuase you are not listening – and it is you who has the lock and the key. Not Jesus. He will not violate your boundaries or seek to control your life or how you talk – now will he… sumbuddie duex amour – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I was wondering, after reading many posts over the last few months, why people chuck names at people. I mean for example if someone called me stupid… it would totally freak me out. The other things bitch whore etc…. now none of these get said that often.. But… Liar…. my mum used to call me that… hurt then hurts now. Hurts… if someone called me liar,, i would instantly go back years. Abuser….. is not a word that should be thrown at an angry person. Especially in this environment. Anything about someones disability, or weight, race…… It is all so wrong… Words could drive someone to suicide, that is something I could never have on my conscience. I care about myself and about others. I come here for support and friendship not hate. I hate all the name calling, it is uncalled for and hurtful, it can do nothing other than hurt. We are adults, we can talk without hurting, it is possible, we have dictionaries full of words we can use instead. I am not a big swearer, had my fill as a kid, if I talk to someone I prefer to respect them, not hurt them.. Karma, whatever we put out we receive. Give out hate receive hate. Now I have never actually believed in that, but am starting to. We have had many examples of it here. I am just one, I do not like calling people name. But have done it in my past, the intent then was to hurt, it worked. I shall never again do that. I am human I err, when I do and realise it I apologise. I can do nothing to influence others actions, I would like to discuss the whys of name-calling… Sera
Response:
I was wondering, after reading many posts over the last few months, why people chuck names at people. I mean for example if someone called me stupid… it would totally freak me out. The other things bitch whore etc…. now none of these get said that often.. But… Liar…. my mum used to call me that… hurt then hurts now. Hurts… if someone called me liar,, i would instantly go back years. Abuser….. is not a word that should be thrown at an angry person. Especially in this environment. Anything about someones disability, or weight, race…… It is all so wrong… Words could drive someone to suicide, that is something I could never have on my conscience. I care about myself and about others. I come here for support and friendship not hate. I hate all the name calling, it is uncalled for and hurtful, it can do nothing other than hurt. We are adults, we can talk without hurting, it is possible, we have dictionaries full of words we can use instead. I am not a big swearer, had my fill as a kid, if I talk to someone I prefer to respect them, not hurt them.. Karma, whatever we put out we receive. Give out hate receive hate. Now I have never actually believed in that, but am starting to. We have had many examples of it here. I am just one, I do not like calling people name. But have done it in my past, the intent then was to hurt, it worked. I shall never again do that. I am human I err, when I do and realise it I apologise. I can do nothing to influence others actions, I would like to discuss the whys of name-calling… Sera
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