Question:
Hello, This was an interesting response: MsBandiOH wrote: > Maybe you should get yourself into a 12-step program and find out why > you put up with this and if there are more constuctive ways of dealing > with it.
I am assuming you are a woman. ’Ms’Bandi, right? My question to you is: would you, as a woman, advise a female victim of domestic violence the same way? I am hoping you say yes, I’m just wondering. Dean BTW…12 step is really for ‘addictive’ behavior, isn’t it. Don’t you think just plain counseling is more appropriate? Why do you seem to think it is the poster’s fault, in some way, that he is tolerant and patient with his gf? IMHO, if there is a fault in him, he is feeling sorry for her. Is that an addictive behavior? "Compulsive Empathic Response Syndrome"? A CERS fer sure, I’ve got it myself (har, har).
Response:
>sometimes i feel like bashing my head against the wall. >we argue EVERY night. and the thing that breaks me up is that i treat her >like a queen. >what should i do?
Maybe you should get yourself into a 12-step program and find out why you put up with this and if there are more constuctive ways of dealing with it. Some people enable others to go about thier acts of destrction…alcoholism, drugs, and other things. You may feel you are protecting her but untreated schizophrenia is a nightmare. It also causes permanent brain damage to the patient. You don’t want to do that, do you? I watched my father, who is a physician, drug my mother up on other medications and didn’t treat her mental condition. He refused to get help for her. It’s sickening how she’s degenerated and no one can do anything about it. He’s an enabler. She should be treated. But he loves her and feels he is taking care of her himself. I would contact the local mental health center if you have one and start there. A therapist may be able to advise you on how to get help for her. You have to face up to the fact that this is not going away on it’s own. It has to be treated and you need help as well.
Response:
She is obviously under serious influence now, because she changed her attitude recently, if you love her stick with it as long as you can and try EVERYTHING you have to do to get her to be relaxed at least some of the time. Don’t forget she is frustrated about her condition because she is constantly haunted, you can’t even begin to imagine what that is like, she is only human and needs a break from the insanity. When you are together, for the quality time thing. Try using GHB, it works great for my friend who suffers,we sware by it, it will pick her up and turn her back into the woman you love at least for 2 hours or so, but it WILL be worth it. check this site out, trust me, give it a shot, if I was you NOTHING in the WORLD would stop me from figuring out how to help her at least once and a while, the Universe is not a constant, therefore, she can’t always be the same, there is room to try new things all the time. let me know how it went good look and look at this site. http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/Spa/1646 e-mail me at seet…@rocketmail.com att: Doc
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -In article <6e544o$…@eve.enteract.com>, qwerty <qwe…@nohost.com> wrote: >this is my second post on here. i posted nearly two years ago being concerned >about my girlfriend being schizophrenic (we just started dating at that time). >everyone told me to stay with her. that’s what i did. >now it’s nearly two years later. the first year and a half was great. we moved >in together. she was the sweetest girl in the world. yeah, she had many >schizophrenic episodes, but i comforted her and supported her. i loved her >and i still do. however, as time went by her temper would flare up now and >then. arguments were once a month. then they grew to once a week. >now, it’s a nightmare. not her schizophrenia, but her temper. >she deliberately wants to fight. we have arguments every night. sometimes >she hits me. she calls my ex-gf’s to find out information about me. she >threatens to call my parents (whom i discommunicated with). she threatens >that the place will be ransacked when i get home from work. >this drives me nuts. but i still love her very much. >i work. i pay for everything: rent, bills, food, even her bills. she doesn’t >work. >people tell me that i should break up with her. but i love her very much. >what should i do? sometimes i feel like bashing my head against the wall. >we argue EVERY night. and the thing that breaks me up is that i treat her >like a queen. >what should i do?
Please don’t take any of this the wrong way… I had a strong reaction to the combination of the situation and your feelings… First off, I don’t think it has much to do with her schizophrenia… some people are like that, for whatever reason. I (schizophrenic as I am:)) had a relationship at college with a guy with whom I was completely in love after knowing him for a year. When we started our relationship, it was absolutely wonderful as I remember it, a time I wouldn’t trade for the world. (This was while I was intermittently psychotic but undiagnosed). We started fighting, and it grew more and more frequent, and then extremely violent on his part. He knew I had a problem, and at the time he would sometimes tell me I was crazy, needed to be locked up, etc. Meanwhile I loved him more than I could say and my greatest fear was that he would reject me. Things went on, and I went back to my home state and eventually got help for schizophrenia. This "help" prevented me from ever seeing this man again. After being away from it, I saw that it wasn’t good for me. My friends tell me that he is different now, and I am happy for him if he is. I think leaving him, regardless of my love for him, was one of the best things I ever did. I also think that dating him was one of the best things I ever did. (I tend to see something good in situations most people wouldn’t, but we were very happy for awhile). In fact, I’ve emailed him a few times since then and neither of us seemed to have a problem with it. I can’t tell you what to do, only what I did. I don’t know how physically violent she gets (it may be not at all) but I have PTSD now on top of everything. I would strongly suggest you both get counselling (together)… — Galig Dulin "The web was woven curiously, night…@netcom.com The charm is broken utterly, Draw near and fear not — this is I, The Lady of Shalott" (Alfred Lord Tennyson, 1832)
Response:
this is my second post on here. i posted nearly two years ago being concerned about my girlfriend being schizophrenic (we just started dating at that time). everyone told me to stay with her. that’s what i did. now it’s nearly two years later. the first year and a half was great. we moved in together. she was the sweetest girl in the world. yeah, she had many schizophrenic episodes, but i comforted her and supported her. i loved her and i still do. however, as time went by her temper would flare up now and then. arguments were once a month. then they grew to once a week. now, it’s a nightmare. not her schizophrenia, but her temper. she deliberately wants to fight. we have arguments every night. sometimes she hits me. she calls my ex-gf’s to find out information about me. she threatens to call my parents (whom i discommunicated with). she threatens that the place will be ransacked when i get home from work. this drives me nuts. but i still love her very much. i work. i pay for everything: rent, bills, food, even her bills. she doesn’t work. people tell me that i should break up with her. but i love her very much. what should i do? sometimes i feel like bashing my head against the wall. we argue EVERY night. and the thing that breaks me up is that i treat her like a queen. what should i do?
Response:
See the six foot by three foot piece of wood at the corner of your apartment? It’s called a door and one of you should use it. This isn’t a mental illness issue it’s a common human deceny issue. We are all brought up differently as children and the "type" of girl whom behaves in this way has, in my experience, been exposed to a violent parental figure during childhood. There seems to be some equation in the mind between violence and display of "love". She probably feels that you are not paying her enough attention (or less than you did during the heady days of courtship) and has this association between love and violence in her head. Regretably I’ve yet to see anyone with this association break it once they have steeped over the line and ignored the social taboos about violence. And so the torch passes to a new generation. Either you become a jerk and smack her back or you say "hasta", I may sound hard in the comment above but I have been there. Three years before I has my first episode I went through exactly this with my then girlfriend. I finaly told her not to come back to the apartment after I went to see a doctor following one of her little outbursts. I had two broken ribs. I still keep in contact with her and we maintain a good friendship. It’s just a case of the chemistry of a particular relationship. The thing that finaly got me to accept that this had to end was asking myself if I would trust *my* child in her charge and to that the answer was an emphatic no. Any children the two of you might have are going to have to deal with the illness. Having to deal with the violence as well is more than one should ask of a child. IMHO Seriously I’d give it up as a lost cause unless you can get her into a program of relationship counciling. Even then it probably won’t work. Once these taboos are broken it’s hard to re-establish them. It sucks I know but chalk it up to experience and move on. It’s not you job to heal her or to make her happy. Only she can do that. Again, like I said, this *isn’t* a schizophrenia issuse. You are not ditching her because of her illness and should not feel guilty for doing so. The girl is disrespecting you and, from my own experience, you will find yourself with more than enough to deal with later when you find yourself asking yourself why you felt so little regard for yourself as to put up with this. I would try to find personal counciling on this were I to go through it again. I have no doubt that the entire situation and my lifestyle after the split contributed majorly to the disturbances that I later experienced. Seriouly, if you want to compare notes on psycho girlfriends from hell I’m your man! regards, maD On 11 Mar 1998 04:32:24 GMT, in alt.support.schizophrenia you wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->this is my second post on here. i posted nearly two years ago being concerned >about my girlfriend being schizophrenic (we just started dating at that time). >everyone told me to stay with her. that’s what i did. >now it’s nearly two years later. the first year and a half was great. we moved >in together. she was the sweetest girl in the world. yeah, she had many >schizophrenic episodes, but i comforted her and supported her. i loved her >and i still do. however, as time went by her temper would flare up now and >then. arguments were once a month. then they grew to once a week. >now, it’s a nightmare. not her schizophrenia, but her temper. >she deliberately wants to fight. we have arguments every night. sometimes >she hits me. she calls my ex-gf’s to find out information about me. she >threatens to call my parents (whom i discommunicated with). she threatens >that the place will be ransacked when i get home from work. >this drives me nuts. but i still love her very much. >i work. i pay for everything: rent, bills, food, even her bills. she doesn’t >work. >people tell me that i should break up with her. but i love her very much. >what should i do? sometimes i feel like bashing my head against the wall. >we argue EVERY night. and the thing that breaks me up is that i treat her >like a queen. >what should i do?
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Response:
Qwerty, This is a very serious matter. I have gone through the same. Unfortunately for me, I married the girl and it became a very costly mistake not addressing the kind of behavior you’ve mentioned. First of all, you must chose a course of action. I am not going to tell you what to do but you must act. Do not ignore your situation or even for the briefest of moments blame yourself or feel sorry for her or think you can handle it alone. Some of your choices for action are (there are many more, start looking for them) : Couple’s Counseling (a mediator to help sort out what if anything within the relationship is adding to your gf’s anger). Private Counseling (your gf needs help, and she should get it immediately…you may want to go to a counseler first and ask how to ‘coax’ her into getting/recieving help). Abuse Counseling (for yourself, they can provide good leads for help for your gf). The Police (I am not kidding here. Spousal abuse works both ways. I never called on my wife and she left a one inch high welt on my head one time. I always blamed myself or said "they’ll laugh". They won’t. I would call them the next time she hits you and not even warn her. Why? Because if you warn her, I’ll bet she calls them first and files charges on you, even if you don’t do anything to her. Mark my words, if she finds out that she can use the police against you, she will). Your situation sounds all too familiar with my own and my wife did anything she could to manipulate and terrorize me. My wife had a vicious and clearly uncontrolled side of her and I thought I could handle it. I was wrong. What I really did was act like it wasn’t there or it would go away and in my delusion I ended up being massively screwed. Our relationship ended when I told her I wanted a seperation and that I wanted counseling. When I went out that night to stay at a hotel, she canceled all my credit cards and I couldn’t rent a room. When I returned home to pick up some cash to pay for the room (money I had around the house for this kind of emergency), the minute I walked in the door my wife was on the phone to the police…I could hear her saying "you know that guy I told you beat me up before, he’s back and he is beating me again…" I hadn’t even looked at her, hadn’t even seen her to look at her and definitely hadn’t touched her. It was as if she had determined that she was losing the upper hand and went to ‘code red’! Needless to say there were restraining orders, a bitter seperation, lots of debts she piled up when given possession of the house we rented ($5,000.00 plus – all due immediately after I repossessed it), and eventual bankrupcy (because of the other $30,000.00 in debt she managed to accrue). Dean PS. e-mail me if you want to chat. I love telling the stories, I laugh now but they were so out of control at the time I now don’t know how I dealt with them. PSS. I suffer from a bpd type syndrome myself and can be extremely dependant. My commitment to the relationship ended up becoming an expression of poor self esteem. I didn’t think anyone would want me and my wife’s problems seemed to point to a need (or call?) in her for help (mine? I hoped foolishly), so I stuck around till the bitter end. It was a classic case of what pop-psychology defines as ‘co-dependancy’. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -qwerty wrote: > this is my second post on here. i posted nearly two years ago being concerned > about my girlfriend being schizophrenic (we just started dating at that time). > everyone told me to stay with her. that’s what i did. > now it’s nearly two years later. the first year and a half was great. we moved > in together. she was the sweetest girl in the world. yeah, she had many > schizophrenic episodes, but i comforted her and supported her. i loved her > and i still do. however, as time went by her temper would flare up now and > then. arguments were once a month. then they grew to once a week. > now, it’s a nightmare. not her schizophrenia, but her temper. > she deliberately wants to fight. we have arguments every night. sometimes > she hits me. she calls my ex-gf’s to find out information about me. she > threatens to call my parents (whom i discommunicated with). she threatens > that the place will be ransacked when i get home from work. > this drives me nuts. but i still love her very much. > i work. i pay for everything: rent, bills, food, even her bills. she doesn’t > work. > people tell me that i should break up with her. but i love her very much. > what should i do? sometimes i feel like bashing my head against the wall. > we argue EVERY night. and the thing that breaks me up is that i treat her > like a queen. > what should i do?
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