Question:
I thought for some time about this, and I still can’t really decide if there is a *best* approach in terms of discussing this problem with your children. I had few grandparents (several died prior to my birth) and valued the relationships I had/have with them (one has since died). I was made aware of things about the deceased grandparent who I knew till I was 31, and found it all very distressing, and still wish I had just never heard it, because I can’t interview any of the parties involved, as they are all deceased – making resolution not possible. Your daughter has her own relationship to this woman she has chosen to care for, and on the one hand I can see why you would not want her to wonder why you had enmity, avoidance, etc. but on the other, changing her relationship to her grandmother (which may be a very special thing to HER) somehow seems uncomfortable when I contemplate all that. I wish I had more to offer. Gary
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello, I’m new to post here. I’ve read posts for a very long time and this group has really helped me. I find myself in a new situation right now, my mother has stage IV lung cancer and is dying. My adult daughter is moving mom to her house to care for her during these last few months. I am having a very hard time coping with having contact with my mother. I have 4 adult children and they don’t know any details about my history of emotional, physical and sexual abuse from my mother. I know she is dying but I’m not having any sad emotion about this. I’m only feeling trapped about having to help care for her. I had just come to a point in my life, with the help of a therapist, where I decided I would not have any more contact with her. My stress and anxiety is really messing up my life, I am having flash back nightmares that haunt me for the entire day or longer. I don’t want to be nice to my mother or see her. I have not shed a tear since we found out about this cancer. I feel like everyone thinks I’m heartless. Is anyone else in a simular situation? Thanks Dee
It was about 25 years ago with my mother’s mother. My parent’s divorced when I was around 8. Mom had to move in with her mother and brother. My mom, my two sisters, and I all shared a bedroom. Two beds. You couldn’t walk in there. You just jumped on the bed. When my mother found a job, once she went to work it started. The summer was the worst time. She beat the hell out of us for things you wouldn’t believe. I have already posted some details to Jackie here, so I won’t go into it again. I will say, it’s not wrong to be glad a mean hateful person is dead. I wished my grandmother dead many times. That is human. You know how people want to think only the good of the dead. Not me, even now. I never shed a tear over her. She was the most awful person I had ever met. I truly understand how you feel. I would not go see your mother, but that is my opinion. Do what your heart tells you. You really need to tell your kids something. Even if it’s just a small part of it, just so they will understand. I am so sorry you are going through this. God bless you. Vicki
Response:
Hello Dee, I can relate to what you’re feeling. I have PTSD as a result of my father. He was psychologically and physically abusive, and what my shrink and I have defined as "psycho-sexually" abusive. It pisses me off to no end that I have to live with the flashbacks and nightmares. My father always denied being abusive to me, and I thought he was just lying outright. He might have been, but his mind was perhaps sparing him the guilt of what he did to my mother and me by blocking the memories. I don’t know which was the truth. He has ended up in a nursing home, catatonically depressed. I hear through my brother that it’s because he abruptly remembered all of the abuse, and couldn’t cope with it. He feels that he is being punished by God for what he did. It doesn’t matter to me if this is a load of crap or if it’s true, I won’t go and see him. My brother has urged me to, has said that want to see him, I don’t need to see him, and I don’t need the nightmares and flashbacks worsened in any way. I’m not heartless, I’m looking out for my own mental health. I would say that you are too. If there is ANY way that you can get out of helping care for your mother, PLEASE DO SO. You don’t need this, and it will not get better as time goes on, in my opinion. My sister knows about the abuse, my mother of course does, but my brother has never wanted to hear a word about it, and denies anything I tell him about it. I don’t know if you want your children to know anything about this……in the case of my brother, his denial only hurt me more. I suggest you talk to your therapist about this situation, and perhaps have one or more of your children come to a session. You shouldn’t have to cope with this. You can probably tell that I feel strongly about this. The only thing that helps me deal w/my PTSD is NOT seeing my father. I wish you the very best. Sincerely, Sharon
Response:
Hi Dee, I have a friend who is in a similar situation. My friend, who continues to work, has terminal cancer but has not told her mother. She does not love her mother and I understand why. Now her mother is in a nursing home. My friend deals with it by ensuring that her mothers needs are met by others. There is no emotional bond for her. Her mother is manipulative and would try to pretend there is more. My advice is to do what is best for Dee. You have said that your children do not know details about the abuse. Do they know that there was some? If so, I expect they may understand that it is important for you to look after yourself. Take care, Meryl – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Hello, I’m new to post here. I’ve read posts for a very long time and this group has really helped me. I find myself in a new situation right now, my mother has stage IV lung cancer and is dying. My adult daughter is moving mom to her house to care for her during these last few months. I am having a very hard time coping with having contact with my mother. I have 4 adult children and they don’t know any details about my history of emotional, physical and sexual abuse from my mother. I know she is dying but I’m not having any sad emotion about this. I’m only feeling trapped about having to help care for her. I had just come to a point in my life, with the help of a therapist, where I decided I would not have any more contact with her. My stress and anxiety is really messing up my life, I am having flash back nightmares that haunt me for the entire day or longer. I don’t want to be nice to my mother or see her. I have not shed a tear since we found out about this cancer. I feel like everyone thinks I’m heartless. Is anyone else in a simular situation? Thanks Dee
Response:
I had a relative who I realy respected and admired,it was only a year or so after his death that I found out he was a pedo I must admit I feel cheated.Although I respect my cousin and aunt and what they went through I would have loved to help them hate the low life prick and let him know how low people who ruin other peoples lives for their own gratification are .Once you reach a certain age you are responsible for what you do to others.I cant help but admire you,you are tearing your self up over not wanting to hurt your kids ,prehaps the past needs to be purged,you deserve happiness after all it wasnt you comitting these crimes regards den
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello, I’m new to post here. I’ve read posts for a very long time and this group has really helped me. I find myself in a new situation right now, my mother has stage IV lung cancer and is dying. My adult daughter is moving mom to her house to care for her during these last few months. I am having a very hard time coping with having contact with my mother. I have 4 adult children and they don’t know any details about my history of emotional, physical and sexual abuse from my mother. I know she is dying but I’m not having any sad emotion about this. I’m only feeling trapped about having to help care for her. I had just come to a point in my life, with the help of a therapist, where I decided I would not have any more contact with her. My stress and anxiety is really messing up my life, I am having flash back nightmares that haunt me for the entire day or longer. I don’t want to be nice to my mother or see her. I have not shed a tear since we found out about this cancer. I feel like everyone thinks I’m heartless. Is anyone else in a simular situation?
Dearest Dee, The best thing that I can tell you is to go to Google and type in support groups+cancer+family member. There are tons and tons of places to go and get the help that YOU need. You’ll find others in the exact same situation you’re in. You don’t have to feel guilty about your feelings, and w/the right support group, you’ll find ways to cope. I wish you the best. —
If you like this post and would like to receive updates from this blog, please subscribe our feed.