Trauma – PTSD

Question:

Hello … I’m *so glad that when I went to therapy, my therapist did *not do that to me.  That would have been extremely annoying. Maybe not dismissed.  Maybe it just feels like dismissed.  How about ‘explained’?  Everything about me is being explained as a symptom of something else.  I dissociate because of stress (who doesn’t have stress?), I worry about my kids because of ptsd (who doesn’t worry about their kids?) and most worrisome, I am creative because I am bi-polar.  Otoh, I am glad to see a link between creative genius and bi-polar disorder, because it legitimizes things for us, a bit.  Otoh, if I am successfully medicated out of my mania, what happens to my creativity?

That’s a complicated question, and is one reason why some (not all, and no one I know, but some) bipolar folks resist being medicated. Like everything else in adulthood, it’s a matter of degree.  If you can live with – and your family can live with – the cycles, then that’s one question.  If not, it’s another question.  Being functional is more important to *ME* than being creative, but everyone will have a different flavor of response. I can’t tell from reading here if you’re resisting the idea of a diagnosis because it seems an easy out, or if you’re resisting the idea because it is seems wrong – factually wrong.  If the former, I’d suggest that not all answers *MUST* be hard and painful and humilating in order to be accurate.  If the latter, then by all means say so to the person doing the diagnosing and keep looking for something better. The goal of the exercise is to come up with some tools that you can use to make your life better.  If a tool isn’t working (not if it doesn’t fit your hand, or if it "too pretty" to be of use), then abandon it. Catherine

Response:

Hello …

Hi you…

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m *so glad that when I went to therapy, my therapist did *not do that to me.  That would have been extremely annoying. Maybe not dismissed.  Maybe it just feels like dismissed.  How about ‘explained’?  Everything about me is being explained as a symptom of something else.  I dissociate because of stress (who doesn’t have stress?), I worry about my kids because of ptsd (who doesn’t worry about their kids?) and most worrisome, I am creative because I am bi-polar.  Otoh, I am glad to see a link between creative genius and bi-polar disorder, because it legitimizes things for us, a bit.  Otoh, if I am successfully medicated out of my mania, what happens to my creativity? That’s a complicated question, and is one reason why some (not all, and no one I know, but some) bipolar folks resist being medicated. Like everything else in adulthood, it’s a matter of degree.  If you can live with – and your family can live with – the cycles, then that’s one question.  If not, it’s another question.  Being functional is more important to *ME* than being creative, but everyone will have a different flavor of response.

You’re right.  I know you are right.  It’s just that I only have one thing to sell.  I’ve only been praised, universally, for one thing in my life. It’s hard to lose it. I can’t tell from reading here if you’re resisting the idea of a diagnosis because it seems an easy out, or if you’re resisting the idea because it is seems wrong – factually wrong.  If the former, I’d suggest that not all answers *MUST* be hard and painful and humilating in order to be accurate.  If the latter, then by all means say so to the person doing the diagnosing and keep looking for something better.

I don’t know why I am resisting it.  I don’t want to be given a get out of jail free card.  I don’t want to take the easy way out, you’re right.  I don’t want to wimp out.  I want to meet whatever it is head on and, like deb said, beat it into the ground.  And it seems that anything that has been beating *me into the ground has to be a lot more formidible than something so diagnosable.  Does that make any sense? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – The goal of the exercise is to come up with some tools that you can use to make your life better.  If a tool isn’t working (not if it doesn’t fit your hand, or if it "too pretty" to be of use), then abandon it. Catherine

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – X-No-Archive: yes I felt that out of focus, thing.  A kind of drifty, kind of weirdness with vertigo feeling. That is generally what a lot of people report feeling before an episode. It would be a good idea to get some exercises to help you stay present. Otoh, couldn’t it all be in my mind, guys?  Couldn’t it be that some part of me has seized on this as an escape from responsibility and is kind of playing it up? See you describe it as an escape from responsibility and I never experienced it as that – it was an intricate system of protection from knowlege that would cause me pain – whether it was facing my mother’s anger and abuse when I was a child or something that reminded me of it when I was an adult – it was a zoning out or leaving to avoid being fully present for emotional or physical injury but I don’t recall it ever being an issue of

responsibility. Same here.  I can dissociate and still function most of the time.  But responsibility isn’t an issue. However – it might be that your system is keeping you from feeling guilt for some reason – I dunno because every system’s use for dissociation is as different as the people who create them. Better that than to find I have to start working this hard just to feel my hand connected to the rest of my body. It stays connected – it just wants to hide in plain sight – sort of like buford hiding his head behind the pillows on the bed and not realizing his big furry bum is poking out.

LOL, one of my little maltese dogs hides in a spot "under" a bench that hasn’t been there for months =x Kc – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I *don’t know when it’s going to happen.  It could be a smell, a song, a this or a that.  That’s the "fun" part… I usually know the "type" of circumstances that will trigger it, but I’m never really *sure. Tonight, driving home from the movies, I had a strange *thing.  For some reason my mind drifted back to my childhood when my entire drunken irish family would have a "family party".  And I got that wierd, gooshy feeling in my stomach (that I always got *then, before the par-tay) and right away I stopped myself.  I was able to do it with that one.  But the times when it hits me out of "nowhere" – once I’m in it, that’s it, and yes… I just ride it out. God I’m so happy that school is starting soon =) Kc How do you know when it is going to happen to you?  Is there anything you can do once it’s started or do you have to ride it out — For more information about this NNTP posting service, contact: If you want an anonymous account, visit our sign-up page: https://asarian-host.net/cgi-bin/signup.cgi

Response:

X-No-Archive: yes I felt that out of focus, thing.  A kind of drifty, kind of weirdness with vertigo feeling. That is generally what a lot of people report feeling before an episode. It would be a good idea to get some exercises to help you stay present.

I got in the car and I drove.  I got in the car roughly one, quarter after and I drove for three hours.  I drove through Topanga Canyon, out to Malibu, then north up the coast.  It’s going to sound terrible, but you do have to remind yourself that your hands are connected to your arms, your arms to your body.  At one point, watching the water, I had to do that.  My arm just didn’t feel like part of me but my hand did, so I talked myself through it. Your hand is part of your arm, until I felt my arm, again.  And so on. Otoh, couldn’t it all be in my mind, guys?  Couldn’t it be that some part of me has seized on this as an escape from responsibility and is kind of playing it up? See you describe it as an escape from responsibility

The stress that seems to keep setting me off is all about responsibility: all the things that need to be done, all the worries about the various kid issues, paying bills that I don’t have money for, etc.  I don’t want anyone telling me, for instance, that it’s ok to walk away from my family and take a three day vacation from all that.  Do you know what I mean? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – and I never experienced it as that – it was an intricate system of protection from knowlege that would cause me pain – whether it was facing my mother’s anger and abuse when I was a child or something that reminded me of it when I was an adult – it was a zoning out or leaving to avoid being fully present for emotional or physical injury but I don’t recall it ever being an issue of responsibility. However – it might be that your system is keeping you from feeling guilt for some reason – I dunno because every system’s use for dissociation is as different as the people who create them. Better that than to find I have to start working this hard just to feel my hand connected to the rest of my body. It stays connected – it just wants to hide in plain sight – sort of like buford hiding his head behind the pillows on the bed and not realizing his big furry bum is poking out.

Well, you can’t miss my bum  *g* – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I *don’t know when it’s going to happen.  It could be a smell, a song, a this or a that.  That’s the "fun" part… I usually know the "type" of circumstances that will trigger it, but I’m never really *sure. Tonight, driving home from the movies, I had a strange *thing.  For some reason my mind drifted back to my childhood when my entire drunken irish family would have a "family party".  And I got that wierd, gooshy feeling in my stomach (that I always got *then, before the par-tay) and right away I stopped myself.  I was able to do it with that one.  But the times when it hits me out of "nowhere" – once I’m in it, that’s it, and yes… I just ride it out. God I’m so happy that school is starting soon =) Kc How do you know when it is going to happen to you?  Is there anything you can do once it’s started or do you have to ride it out — For more information about this NNTP posting service, contact: If you want an anonymous account, visit our sign-up page: https://asarian-host.net/cgi-bin/signup.cgi

Response:

Counting helps some people. Something like doing the check book although you know that you’ll most likely have to refigure it again later – it doesn’t matter, the point isn’t to get it right but just to concentrate on something mundane in the here and now.

washing dishes. there is something so satisfying and settling and calming in that, loading the dishwasher just doesnt’ approach it.  it is so sensual yet mundane, and *real.*  the dirty dishes really exist, the hot water really exists, and is hot and wet and soapy, and when you are finished, the dirty dishes are sparkling clean, they even shine — and out of the dishwasher, they don’t. you have accomplished something so visible. azure

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – X-No-Archive: yes I felt that out of focus, thing.  A kind of drifty, kind of weirdness with vertigo feeling. Otoh, couldn’t it all be in my mind, guys?  Couldn’t it be that some part of me has seized on this as an escape from responsibility and is kind of playing it up?  Better that than to find I have to start working this hard just to feel my hand connected to the rest of my body. OMG, the first time that I *realized I was doing it… I thought I was totally making it up.  I didn’t even know what "it" was!!  Then I talked to some people, read a lot and finally saw a professional.  It was so scarey. It’s not, now, cuz I figure I just do what I gotta do to be ok.  (If that makes any sense at all.)

It seems to me like extreme daydreaming.  You know that drifty feeling where you stare at nothing, thinking about something else?  It’s like that, to the nth degree.  I’m tired of being told every single thing I do is some kind of pathology, though and this *seems like something made up.  Even to me, and I’m doing it.  Or maybe I am just worrying too much.  Maybe if I can just figure out how to stop worrying, it would stop.  If I can stop it, is it still pathology? Everything feels like pathology.  Everything about me is being dismissed as a symptom of something else. Gr. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Kc I *don’t know when it’s going to happen.  It could be a smell, a song, a this or a that.  That’s the "fun" part… I usually know the "type" of circumstances that will trigger it, but I’m never really *sure. Tonight, driving home from the movies, I had a strange *thing.  For some reason my mind drifted back to my childhood when my entire drunken irish family would have a "family party".  And I got that wierd, gooshy feeling in my stomach (that I always got *then, before the par-tay) and right away I stopped myself.  I was able to do it with that one.  But the times when it hits me out of "nowhere" – once I’m in it, that’s it, and yes… I just ride it out. God I’m so happy that school is starting soon =) Kc How do you know when it is going to happen to you?  Is there anything you can do once it’s started or do you have to ride it out — For more information about this NNTP posting service, contact: If you want an anonymous account, visit our sign-up page: https://asarian-host.net/cgi-bin/signup.cgi

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – X-No-Archive: yes I felt that out of focus, thing.  A kind of drifty, kind of weirdness with vertigo feeling. Otoh, couldn’t it all be in my mind, guys?  Couldn’t it be that some part of me has seized on this as an escape from responsibility and is kind of playing it up?  Better that than to find I have to start working this hard just to feel my hand connected to the rest of my body. OMG, the first time that I *realized I was doing it… I thought I was totally making it up.  I didn’t even know what "it" was!!  Then I talked to some people, read a lot and finally saw a professional.  It was so scarey. It’s not, now, cuz I figure I just do what I gotta do to be ok.  (If that makes any sense at all.) It seems to me like extreme daydreaming.  You know that drifty feeling where you stare at nothing, thinking about something else?  It’s like that, to the nth degree.  I’m tired of being told every single thing I do is some kind of pathology, though and this *seems like something made up.  Even to me, and I’m doing it.  Or maybe I am just worrying too much.  Maybe if I can just figure out how to stop worrying, it would stop.  If I can stop it, is it still pathology? Everything feels like pathology.  Everything about me is being dismissed as a symptom of something else. Gr. I’m *so glad that when I went to therapy, my therapist did *not do that to me.  That would have been extremely annoying.

Maybe not dismissed.  Maybe it just feels like dismissed.  How about ‘explained’?  Everything about me is being explained as a symptom of something else.  I dissociate because of stress (who doesn’t have stress?), I worry about my kids because of ptsd (who doesn’t worry about their kids?) and most worrisome, I am creative because I am bi-polar.  Otoh, I am glad to see a link between creative genius and bi-polar disorder, because it legitimizes things for us, a bit.  Otoh, if I am successfully medicated out of my mania, what happens to my creativity?

Response:

It seems to me like extreme daydreaming.  You know that drifty feeling where you stare at nothing, thinking about something else?  It’s like that, to the nth degree.  I’m tired of being told every single thing I do is some kind of pathology, though and this *seems like something made up.  Even to me, and I’m doing it.  Or maybe I am just worrying too much.  Maybe if I can just figure out how to stop worrying, it would stop.  If I can stop it, is it still pathology?

if you have a cough and you can hold it back, is it gone? Everything feels like pathology.  Everything about me is being dismissed as a symptom of something else.

it’s just people doing their best to understand. cal

Response:

Yep – I can relate to this – a lot of the violent abuse either took place in or originated around the kitchen and the acts of cooking and consuming food.

dinner was cut short to get a lot of mine perpetrated too. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – says… Counting helps some people. Something like doing the check book although you know that you’ll most likely have to refigure it again later – it doesn’t matter, the point isn’t to get it right but just to concentrate on something mundane in the here and now. washing dishes. there is something so satisfying and settling and calming in that, loading the dishwasher just doesnt’ approach it.  it is so sensual yet mundane, and *real.*  the dirty dishes really exist, the hot water really exists, and is hot and wet and soapy, and when you are finished, the dirty dishes are sparkling clean, they even shine — and out of the dishwasher, they don’t. you have accomplished something so visible. azure EEEEk dishes!!  You had to go and remind me that my dishwasher is clogged and I have to call a plumber!!  Washing dishes BADDDDDDDDDDD; also ironing BADDDDDDDDDDDD. Isn’t it ironic how some of the simpliest things for some ppl are so triggering for others I remember my therp saying take a nice relaxing bath.  I freaked out as it had been one of the abuse rituals.  Ironing and dishes wasn’t.  However it was one of those things that always started criticism.  I never could get the dishes clean enough and was made to wash them over and over again.  With ironing, we had 5 girls in the family and that was a lot of dresses to iron (with starch).  I can recall standing there for hours and hours during the hot summer having to do all of them.  And of course – they never were quite wrinkle free enough. Geeze wasn’t life a bitch! Panther — Free Anonymous Email Accounts & WebHosting for sexual abuse survivors http://www.asarian-intl.org http://www.asar-intl.com http://www.asarian-intl.org/inpsyte — For more information about this NNTP posting service, contact: If you want an anonymous account, visit our sign-up page: https://asarian-host.net/cgi-bin/signup.cgi

Response:

Isn’t it ironic how some of the simpliest things for some ppl are so triggering for others I remember my therp saying take a nice relaxing bath.  I freaked out as it had been one of the abuse rituals.  Ironing and dishes wasn’t. However it was one of those things that always started criticism.

actually, yes, i remember being harangued about the drawbacks of my dishwashing techniques, too.  i remember rinsing glasses and draining them upside down, and she threw a tantrum and smacked them rightside up, almost hard enough to break them.  which made NO sense, as well as being unreasonably nasty… but now i do it alone.  there is nobody QCing the job i’m doing.  i’m in charge.   azure

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – It seems to me like extreme daydreaming.  You know that drifty feeling where you stare at nothing, thinking about something else?  It’s like that, to the nth degree.  I’m tired of being told every single thing I do is some kind of pathology, though and this *seems like something made up.  Even to me, and I’m doing it.  Or maybe I am just worrying too much.  Maybe if I can just figure out how to stop worrying, it would stop.  If I can stop it, is it still pathology? if you have a cough and you can hold it back, is it gone? Everything feels like pathology.  Everything about me is being dismissed as a symptom of something else. it’s just people doing their best to understand.

To me, the heck with their doing their best to understand if the only way they can do that is to assign some label!  I don’t think anything’s a pathology unless *I* accept it as such.  They can tell me until they’re fuscha with frustration that I have a dissociative "disorder", but as long as it doesn’t bother me, the heck (minding my manners) with the lot of them! I think sometimes those psych freaks start passing out all sorts of diagnoses that simply bog people down  . . . "I’ve been diagnosed bla-bla-bla" and suddenly they start acting like someone diagnosed with bla-bla-bla!  And, yes, diagnoses can indeed be used as a way to avoid responsibility. Just my pennies . . . Shar – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – cal

Response:

How do you know when it is going to happen to you?  Is there anything you can do once it’s started or do you have to ride it out?

Response:

I felt that out of focus, thing.  A kind of drifty, kind of weirdness with vertigo feeling. Otoh, couldn’t it all be in my mind, guys?  Couldn’t it be that some part of me has seized on this as an escape from responsibility and is kind of playing it up?  Better that than to find I have to start working this hard just to feel my hand connected to the rest of my body.

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – X-No-Archive: yes I *don’t know when it’s going to happen.  It could be a smell, a song, a this or a that.  That’s the "fun" part… I usually know the "type" of circumstances that will trigger it, but I’m never really *sure. Tonight, driving home from the movies, I had a strange *thing.  For some reason my mind drifted back to my childhood when my entire drunken irish family would have a "family party".  And I got that wierd, gooshy feeling in my stomach (that I always got *then, before the par-tay) and right away I stopped myself.  I was able to do it with that one.  But the times when it hits me out of "nowhere" – once I’m in it, that’s it, and yes… I just ride it out. God I’m so happy that school is starting soon =) Kc How do you know when it is going to happen to you?  Is there anything you can do once it’s started or do you have to ride it out? — For more information about this NNTP posting service, contact: If you want an anonymous account, visit our sign-up page: https://asarian-host.net/cgi-bin/signup.cgi

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