Question:
I’m new to this, and I’m having a lot of questions. I don’t have others inside, usually I feel like I don’t even have me. But sometimes when I was with my partner (she’s left me) I would get scared and have a feeling that I was going to be hurt again or r*p*d or that I was being held down and I would never be let up. And I would hit her and myself and want to die.and I hate myself always for violence. I would go to a place deep in the corner of the walls and I would lose thoughts and cry and cry and sometimes I would smell things I remembered but not remembered. I thought these were flashbacks, but I HAVE NO MEMORIES nothing to flash back to. so much more to say. do I belong here? I need someplace where I belong. I feel like there is nothing and I am blind and I just want someone to listen without running away from me.
Response:
I have PTSD, and what you are describing is real. Your body and mind DO remember a traumatic event, but they are only able to tell you in bits and pieces at this time in your life. My first recollection came with my first flashback, 12 years later, so I know. Also, body memories, such as feeling as if you are being pinned down or suffocated, are the most accurate of all memories as the sensation doesn’t change very much with time. Don’t be afraid of these sensations. It can be hard to separate the past feelings from the present situations at times, but there is a reason that your mind and body are now giving you this information. You are a stronger person now, and so you are more able to handle it at this point in your life. I for one will not run away from you! Don’t be afraid. You’re not alone in this. Barbara
Response:
But sometimes I think I am making it all up. Even when I was a teenager, I thought my poems about *nc*st and r*p* were just poems, not memories. But there was always the feeling of being less-than and being dirty and being afraid. And when my gr*ndf*th*r died, I thought it was because I had fallen in love and that was bigger than him. But his death was the beginning of me not being able to function. I went crazy. I tried to tell people what I thought had happened, and they generally believed me, but no one offered support. They all turned away from it/me. It’s been three years since he died, and no one has talked to me. now I am all alone with no job and no one to talk to and I moved across the country and everything fell apart. Finally I got health insurance, but it’s taking so long to get hooked up with a T. I just stay home all the time, and the cats are freaking out, missing their mommies (me and my ex) and I don’t like to eat or move and talking to anyone about anything other than this thickness inside me seems pointless. I feel like no one wants me. I understand if no one wants to respond to this.
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – But sometimes I think I am making it all up. Even when I was a teenager, I thought my poems about *nc*st and r*p* were just poems, not memories. But there was always the feeling of being less-than and being dirty and being afraid. And when my gr*ndf*th*r died, I thought it was because I had fallen in love and that was bigger than him. But his death was the beginning of me not being able to function. I went crazy. I tried to tell people what I thought had happened, and they generally believed me, but no one offered support. They all turned away from it/me. It’s been three years since he died, and no one has talked to me. now I am all alone with no job and no one to talk to and I moved across the country and everything fell apart. Finally I got health insurance, but it’s taking so long to get hooked up with a T. I just stay home all the time, and the cats are freaking out, missing their mommies (me and my ex) and I don’t like to eat or move and talking to anyone about anything other than this thickness inside me seems pointless. I feel like no one wants me. I understand if no one wants to respond to this.
Yep, it gets all consuming at times. Of course it won’t last forever. Eventually you will get to a point where you will not think of it for a day, or an hour, or a minute, or a week, or… and then you will get to a point where even when you do think about it, it seems so… (not trivial exactly but definitely nothing compared to the other stuff that is going on in your life) and then you will realize that something has shifted inside, somehow. Not sure I’ll ever figure out how to put _that_ into words. Right now I don’t want to try as I am ‘convinced’ if I do it will go away. I’m hoping if I ignore it it will hang around I guess *grin* It took me at _least_ seven years to get to this point. Possibly it took me longer. It depends on when you start counting from… I haven’t decided if it was worth it yet. (again, I figure if I don’t think about it, it won’t go away) Meanwhile, post here, vent/whine/stomp/complain/etc all you want! That’s why we are here. To listen, to support. If you think it would help, I’ll tell you more about me and my journey. If you think it won’t help, I’m cool with that too *grin* If you do reply or want a reply from me I suggest you send me a copy of your post in mail as my newsfeed is flaky at times 
If you don’t know how to do this ask the group to do it for you. I know someone here will send me a copy of your reply if you need that to be done! Or just be here. Read, post fun posts (we call them jello posts here:), talk about _whatever_ you want to talk about. No pressure, no rush. Healing happens in it’s own way, in it’s own time and regardless of what you personally want it to do. Believe me I _know_ of what I speak on this matter!!!! And if I can walk beside you on your journey, I’d be honored. Rainbow Colors (Jill, yikes this post sounds like the Grandmother wrote it and yet I know _I_ wrote it. hmm….) — The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.
Response:
I’m new too. Just wanted to say I’m listening. Take care. Kristen http://nhhi.net/forum.html – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m new to this, and I’m having a lot of questions. I don’t have others inside, usually I feel like I don’t even have me. But sometimes when I was with my partner (she’s left me) I would get scared and have a feeling that I was going to be hurt again or r*p*d or that I was being held down and I would never be let up. And I would hit her and myself and want to die.and I hate myself always for violence. I would go to a place deep in the corner of the walls and I would lose thoughts and cry and cry and sometimes I would smell things I remembered but not remembered. I thought these were flashbacks, but I HAVE NO MEMORIES nothing to flash back to. so much more to say. do I belong here? I need someplace where I belong. I feel like there is nothing and I am blind and I just want someone to listen without running away from me.
Response:
I’m not very good for support for this kind of thing. There are people here who are. But I just want to say that as long as you feel like you belong here you’re welcome. That seems to be the common thread, sometimes the only one, that us asders all feel like we belong here. And we all ask *that* question: is this real? I hope you continue to feel like you belong here because it sounds like you could use the kind of support that people, mostly, are so wonderful at giving here. — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
Hi Feircedyke, Yes, you belong here! Can relate to what you wrote. Feel free to write us if you wanna! Lavendar Unicorn(Caitlyn)
Response:
Hi and welcome! 
I’m new to this, and I’m having a lot of questions. I don’t have others inside,
Ok, I’m not so new to this and I have a few answers and probably even _more_ questions. Together we should be able to muddle though it. usually I feel like I don’t even have me. But sometimes when I was with my partner (she’s left me) I would get scared and have a feeling that I was going to be hurt again or r*p*d or that I was being held down and I would never be let up. And I would hit her and myself and want to die.and I hate myself always for violence. I would go to a place deep in the corner of the walls and I would lose thoughts and cry and cry and sometimes I would smell things I remembered but not remembered. I thought these were flashbacks, but I HAVE NO MEMORIES nothing to flash back to. so much more to say. do I belong here? I need
Some thing it took me many years to learn is that what you describe are most likely memories. Memories can be visual, auditory, kinesthetic, thought, etc. Our culture is taught that only ‘thought’ memories are valid or important (or maybe it’s just that those are the most obvious so those are the ones we pay attention to, btw I mean ‘thought’ memories to be the ones that you can put words to and sort of tell a story and are kind of ‘typical memories as most people mean them) but things like sense of smell memories are the most ‘primitive’, the strongest, and the most valid. Any memory that works on a basic sense and doesn’t get thinking involved in it is usually a very basic one and is less ‘contaminated’ by things like perceptions and beliefs. For example, if you _think_ about a time when you went to a movie and ate popcorn you are dragging things like opinions and overlaying memories on top of the pure essense of the memory, but if you get a ’sense’ of ‘movie’ every time you smell hot buttered popcorn you aren’t remembering a memory that you can put into words but it is still a valid memory. You may be remembering all experiences you ever had with ‘movie’ or specific ones but it doesn’t matter because the memory is of the essense. That’s why it’s not a ‘thought’ memory, there are no words or story to go with it. This is significant in traumatic memories because they are often difficult (or impossible) to talk about using words and so people tend to ignore them as invalid. Yet, they may be more real than a ‘thought’ memory. Somethings I’ve found helpful with these sorts of primitive memories is to not try to put words to them, but to let them happen and then try to figure out what I needed at that time (like, if there is a smell that makes you feel afraid maybe you need to hide in a closet at that time). Next I try to remember this the next time it happens (unfortunately these sorts of things seem to happen over and over:( ) and then I try to do what seems like it would help, rather than try to ignore it or fight it. Of course this gets challenging in public but with some practice you eventually figure out ‘tricks’ to doing what will work in a less obtrusive way. And ignoring or fighting the whole process just makes it worse anyway Next I try to figure out what sensations or feelings or whatever come up with the smell. Ok, I smell it and I feel afraid _and_… I feel little and I notice I have trouble breathing and… I try to notice what changes if I can do what I need to do. If I hide in a closet does the feeling of fear get less? Can I breathe better? Or, does it make it worse? After all of this I start trying to figure out what is a healthy way to approach this situation. Obviously hiding in a closet every time I smell this perfectly ordinary smell is not going to work! There is no reason I should limit my life this way just for something that has a smell to it (and most likely a pretty neutral smell at that). So I try to figure out what I get out of hiding in the closet. It makes me feel… safe, hidden, invisible… Then I try to figure out why this important. Because the smell makes me feel… vulnerable, alone, endangered… Next I try to think of some adult healthy way to combat this. When I feel alone I can… talk to friends, journal, call my t’pist… When I feel vulnerable I can… remind myself that I am an adult and can take care of myself… tell someone I’m feeling vulnerable and let them help me (a very very difficult one for me but All of this is designed to do several things. It gives me a sense of control over the situation (not that I have any control issues *grin*) it allows me to work toward a more healthy way of reacting to the situation, it keeps me more in touch with my memories and prevents me from ignoring them (they tend to get worse when I do that). It gives me an opportunity to practice things that are steps in healing but are difficult, etc. Most important, I have found that if I do things like this I can get past/through/around/whatever the sensation faster each time so that eventually the trigger is made much smaller and I hardly notice it any more. Of course this all takes time *sigh* and you have to be patient and realize that it won’t be ‘cured’ over night. And there will be times when all the best intentions in the world won’t mean diddly and you someplace where I belong. I feel like there is nothing and I am blind and I just want someone to listen without running away from me.
We are listening and we aren’t going anywhere. Share when you are ready, otherwise just sit back and be welcome here Rainbow Colors (Jill) — The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.
Response:
Hi, it sounds like you have a lot of feeling. I am sorry for your pain. I could go on and explain my own but you know already what life has dealt you. I hope you keep working things through and get a good T very soon. Best wishes, Rachel
Response:
Hi. It seems to me you are in the right place. You do not have to have vivid flashbacks to have PTSD. I do have vivid flasbacks that are intensely real. I squashed them out before, then a separation came and on and on. This is a great place to learn more of the Tragedy of child abuse and what we as adults nust try to do to survive. I hope I wasn’t too strong. Best wishes for improvement, Rachel
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