Question:
NOTE: This message was sent thru a mail2news gateway. No effort was made to verify the identity of the sender. i’d like to know if this is considered dissociation. i will spoiler it for those who might be triggered by ab*nd*nment, su*c*de issues here goes… i am diagnosed with major depression and PTSD and was recently re-victimized from a breakup that left me in more of a state of disarray than i had ever known existed. though legally and physically female, this has resulted from a change of sex over 35 years ago. things were going alright for me, at least i thought they were, until 7 years ago when i asked a therapist the simple question "why do i like being hurt?" then all broke loose in me mentally. su*c*de attempts, b*dy memories, and hosp*talizations started for su*c*de attempts.. i could no longer work and went on disability. the recent breakup was with another woman, was done coldly and abruptly and was seen as an erasure of me that was much more than the abandonment that i had felt. since that happened in december, things have gotten worse for me. i stopped eating and lost a lot of weight, cannot sleep more than a few hours at a time, am very su*c*dal (have plan, letters written, and will skip the rest of the details). i have discovered through therapy that my identification with this woman was intensely linked with my mother. the personality types are almost identical. therapist has finally admitted that because of the way the abandonment was done, i will probably never entirely get over it. he is a decent therapist but because of what will follow in this post, he might be in over his head and it frightens me that this puts me in a very solitary place. the other morning i had this idea of writing about *him*, the little boy that i once was, or never was, but really existed. i did not remember him much especially after all of this time as he had suffered a lot of ab*s* for many years in almost every way imaginable. i had recently read about the possibility of my "sex change" being related to dissociation and it troubled me. when i started writing about him it was in the third person, it was not like i was writing about me. more confusing is that right now i don’t really know who "me" is. i’m comfortable in my body (for 35 years now and not sure if that’s going to change either which is frightening), but not sure about my identity anymore. my identity has fluctuated over the years but always within a "female" parameter but the relationship that ended brought out a lot of "boy" in me and when it ended, trauma began and now a lot of confusion. does anyone know about writing in the third person being part of dissociation? all of this is new and frightening. suddenly the bottom is dropping out of my life and being older and having had profound irreversible changes done to my body and legal identity that could possibly be in error and attributable to abuse is more than a bit terrifying. i’m pretty lost right now. i’ve tried emailing a few people who might be knowledgable about this, under my real name, but have not received any replies. it seems as if i’m in a place that few have traveled and no one wants to deal with. that just increases the isolation and the su*c*d*l felings in me which are intense to begin with. sorry for going on for so long and if this is not something that is appropriate for this group, i apologize. karin (not real name, sorry)
Response:
We do not think that this sounds inappropriate at all for this ng, and you have handled it perfectly responsibly, w/a spoiler and all. To me, yes, it sounds very much like dissociation – that there is dissociation now from the boy who was. Maybe, then, we can assume that there was dissociation then, too. We do not assume that this must mean that one would cease to be comfortable as a female in body. We are female in body (by birth) but have boy parts inside. Some of them kind of "come out" as women sometimes – well, let’s say one does – kind of in conjunction w/a grown woman who is probably some kind of related gender-shifted and age-upgraded version of him. Like – he kind of remade himself, in part, into what he needed to be. (There are other aspects of the inners that are related to him, too – so it’s very complex in there.) We think there is a lot to talk about here – lots and lots. We welcome you here and hope you will keep writing. These are matters of interest to me, and I think you will find that others here have interest, too. Beauty. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – NOTE: This message was sent thru a mail2news gateway. No effort was made to verify the identity of the sender. i’d like to know if this is considered dissociation. i will spoiler it for those who might be triggered by ab*nd*nment, su*c*de issues here goes… i am diagnosed with major depression and PTSD and was recently re-victimized from a breakup that left me in more of a state of disarray than i had ever known existed. though legally and physically female, this has resulted from a change of sex over 35 years ago. things were going alright for me, at least i thought they were, until 7 years ago when i asked a therapist the simple question "why do i like being hurt?" then all broke loose in me mentally. su*c*de attempts, b*dy memories, and hosp*talizations started for su*c*de attempts.. i could no longer work and went on disability. the recent breakup was with another woman, was done coldly and abruptly and was seen as an erasure of me that was much more than the abandonment that i had felt. since that happened in december, things have gotten worse for me. i stopped eating and lost a lot of weight, cannot sleep more than a few hours at a time, am very su*c*dal (have plan, letters written, and will skip the rest of the details). i have discovered through therapy that my identification with this woman was intensely linked with my mother. the personality types are almost identical. therapist has finally admitted that because of the way the abandonment was done, i will probably never entirely get over it. he is a decent therapist but because of what will follow in this post, he might be in over his head and it frightens me that this puts me in a very solitary place. the other morning i had this idea of writing about *him*, the little boy that i once was, or never was, but really existed. i did not remember him much especially after all of this time as he had suffered a lot of ab*s* for many years in almost every way imaginable. i had recently read about the possibility of my "sex change" being related to dissociation and it troubled me. when i started writing about him it was in the third person, it was not like i was writing about me. more confusing is that right now i don’t really know who "me" is. i’m comfortable in my body (for 35 years now and not sure if that’s going to change either which is frightening), but not sure about my identity anymore. my identity has fluctuated over the years but always within a "female" parameter but the relationship that ended brought out a lot of "boy" in me and when it ended, trauma began and now a lot of confusion. does anyone know about writing in the third person being part of dissociation? all of this is new and frightening. suddenly the bottom is dropping out of my life and being older and having had profound irreversible changes done to my body and legal identity that could possibly be in error and attributable to abuse is more than a bit terrifying. i’m pretty lost right now. i’ve tried emailing a few people who might be knowledgable about this, under my real name, but have not received any replies. it seems as if i’m in a place that few have traveled and no one wants to deal with. that just increases the isolation and the su*c*d*l felings in me which are intense to begin with. sorry for going on for so long and if this is not something that is appropriate for this group, i apologize. karin (not real name, sorry)
Response:
There is a very famous article about a very complicated case of gender identity choices, things hidden, things changed, etc., written I *think* by Erv*ng G*ffman and it was about a woman (well, you know) who was known in the article as, I think, "Agn*s" but I am fuzzy on this – must locate the reference for you – unless, wow – you might even *be* her, for all I know. Let me get back to you. Please keep talking. If you care to, that is. There is so much to all of this. If it makes any difference to you, I have known a couple of peoples who have either been in transition gender-wise or have made the transition, male to female. The subject doesn’t scare me. Beauty. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – NOTE: This message was sent thru a mail2news gateway. No effort was made to verify the identity of the sender. We do not think that this sounds inappropriate at all for this ng, and you have handled it perfectly responsibly, w/a spoiler and all. To me, yes, it sounds very much like dissociation – that there is dissociation now from the boy who was. Maybe, then, we can assume that there was dissociation then, too. i want to thank you so much for the validation. We do not assume that this must mean that one would cease to be comfortable as a female in body. We are female in body (by birth) but have boy parts inside. Some of them kind of "come out" as women sometimes – well, let’s say one does – kind of in conjunction w/a grown woman who is probably some kind of related gender-shifted and age-upgraded version of him. Like – he kind of remade himself, in part, into what he needed to be. (There are other aspects of the inners that are related to him, too – so it’s very complex in there.) yes, it is very complex. i am comfortable as female, have never been at ease in company of men, and move freely and quietly now in the company of women, but there is so much more to all of this that it is frightening. to suddenly have all of this emerge in my late 50’s after far more than half my life living "comfortable" is disturbing to say the least. a note received from the endocrinologist who treated me in the early 1970’s has confirmed that what i am feeling, experiencing, just might be very real. "remade himself" was something a friend suggested also but again, there is much more to it than that as i’m sure that you realize. there was mother, who looms large in this, and with Tricia, who was a partner and triggered all of this by her own somewhat dissociative behavior when she left. again, thank you karin We think there is a lot to talk about here – lots and lots. We welcome you here and hope you will keep writing. These are matters of interest to me, and I think you will find that others here have interest, too. Beauty. NOTE: This message was sent thru a mail2news gateway. No effort was made to verify the identity of the sender. i’d like to know if this is considered dissociation. i will spoiler it for those who might be triggered by ab*nd*nment, su*c*de issues here goes… i am diagnosed with major depression and PTSD and was recently re-victimized from a breakup that left me in more of a state of disarray than i had ever known existed. though legally and physically female, this has resulted from a change of sex over 35 years ago. things were going alright for me, at least i thought they were, until 7 years ago when i asked a therapist the simple question "why do i like being hurt?" then all broke loose in me mentally. su*c*de attempts, b*dy memories, and hosp*talizations started for su*c*de attempts.. i could no longer work and went on disability. the recent breakup was with another woman, was done coldly and abruptly and was seen as an erasure of me that was much more than the abandonment that i had felt. since that happened in december, things have gotten worse for me. i stopped eating and lost a lot of weight, cannot sleep more than a few hours at a time, am very su*c*dal (have plan, letters written, and will skip the rest of the details). i have discovered through therapy that my identification with this woman was intensely linked with my mother. the personality types are almost identical. therapist has finally admitted that because of the way the abandonment was done, i will probably never entirely get over it. he is a decent therapist but because of what will follow in this post, he might be in over his head and it frightens me that this puts me in a very solitary place. the other morning i had this idea of writing about *him*, the little boy that i once was, or never was, but really existed. i did not remember him much especially after all of this time as he had suffered a lot of ab*s* for many years in almost every way imaginable. i had recently read about the possibility of my "sex change" being related to dissociation and it troubled me. when i started writing about him it was in the third person, it was not like i was writing about me. more confusing is that right now i don’t really know who "me" is. i’m comfortable in my body (for 35 years now and not sure if that’s going to change either which is frightening), but not sure about my identity anymore. my identity has fluctuated over the years but always within a "female" parameter but the relationship that ended brought out a lot of "boy" in me and when it ended, trauma began and now a lot of confusion. does anyone know about writing in the third person being part of dissociation? all of this is new and frightening. suddenly the bottom is dropping out of my life and being older and having had profound irreversible changes done to my body and legal identity that could possibly be in error and attributable to abuse is more than a bit terrifying. i’m pretty lost right now. i’ve tried emailing a few people who might be knowledgable about this, under my real name, but have not received any replies. it seems as if i’m in a place that few have traveled and no one wants to deal with. that just increases the isolation and the su*c*d*l felings in me which are intense to begin with. sorry for going on for so long and if this is not something that is appropriate for this group, i apologize. karin (not real name, sorry)
Response:
You don’t remotely disappoint me. I was just mentioning the article (which might not even be G*ffman – my memory is swiss-cheesey and this is from grad school days) because I thought it might interest you and might touch on some things that could help you think through certain things. I will still try to locate the ref. for you, if you’re interested. Beauty. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – NOTE: This message was sent thru a mail2news gateway. No effort was made to verify the identity of the sender. There is a very famous article about a very complicated case of gender identity choices, things hidden, things changed, etc., written I *think* by Erv*ng G*ffman and it was about a woman (well, you know) who was known in the article as, I think, "Agn*s" but I am fuzzy on this – must locate the reference for you – unless, wow – you might even *be* her, for all I know. Let me get back to you. Please keep talking. If you care to, that is. There is so much to all of this. If it makes any difference to you, I have known a couple of peoples who have either been in transition gender-wise or have made the transition, male to female. The subject doesn’t scare me. Beauty. well the subject certainly scares me! at least now it does. no, i’m not the woman in question. i lead a fairly borning, though occasionally hysterical enough to put me in h*sp*tal for a while. never been studied, well at least not yet anyway though who knows what is in my future (i will not state where i want to go). only about 5 or so people know of my background so yes, i’m pretty much background noise as far as life goes. looked up Erv*ng G*ffman on the web and he seems interesting. had never heard of him before you mentioned his name. to be honest i never really experienced st*gm* as he describes it. it was always inside and now it’s pretty intense. my st*gm* was always that i was considered somewhat cr*zy, hyst*r*cal to be more precise, more like Bl*nch* D*Bo*se in Str**tcar N*m*d D*s*re. i’m not like that very much anymore though. now i’m pretty em*tionl*ss most of the time. this was never complicated to me until now. it just was and always was. i just did it. it was thought about since maybe two years old (which i now DUH realize was the aproximate start of the ab*s*. so i’m sorry to dissapoint you but i’m not very famous at all and don’t tend to stand out in a crowd either. never really did. karin
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