Question:
Oh yeah I can relate big time Mary. I’ve found a definition of "flasbacks" to include the waking to a memory sort of thing, including all the emotions of the moment back then. Dream journals are great and help a lot. I can look back at the night terrors of 2 years ago and compare where I am now. They help a lot with therapy too…are you seeking therapy? I found Klonopin to be effective for the anxiety and nightmares too. Other meds could help if you talk to your psychiatrist. You’re not alone by a long shot, unfortunately, and I’m glad you found us here. Kristine If natural energy and impulses are too severely suppressed for too long, they become violent. It’s natural for something that’s been held under pressure to become violent in its release…Jim Morrison
Response:
Hi Mary, Welcome to the group. I understand the horrific way your spouse passed on, the earlier abuse, and how it has affected you with PTSD that appears to be worsening. Was wondering whether you also have good memories of him, tender moments, times when he was genuine and gentle? Times when you both had a hearty laugh about something? Is it possible I wonder, in combat against letting fearful memories swamp you, to let your compassion reign, give thanks for his life, and say a prayer for wherever his soul is now? At the same time is there any way its possible for you to confront death so that it doesn’t overwhelm you? This advice and query reflects my own struggle. I spent many years as an ardent pacifist who was firmly fastened on the gospel way – no churchmanship or showiness but a quiet and sustaining faith. I forgave my father, but have only recently actually looked at what he did and discerned calculated abuses, animal sadism, and absence of nurture, rather than bury him in prayers. Its not just an academic exercise – I have Avoidant (Anxious) Personality Disorder, deep scarring as result of that mistreatment, and I’m in danger of going insane.. I’m seeing in him, and in all humanity including myself, gross contradictions. Humankind is nuts, we are after all in meat bodies and no better than the animals, and its an arrogance to suggest that we’re better! I think the praying and forgiving actively combats that nuttiness by postulating a better world and work to sell that postulate to others to adopt. Am off on pilgrimage in a few days – wander for 6 weeks around England on my bicycle, camping in bits of woodland. I expect on 2 or 3 occasions to be static in the depths of some forest for a few days, and there will work hard to sort things out. The aim is to sort out my confusions and if possible, reaffirm that faith in myself. Jesus and the saints confronted death, and took their faith all the way to death. In John’s gospel chapter 11 you read the tale of the resurrection of Lazarus, where Jesus on 2 occasions wept for the way death makes us stumble (he wasn’t weeping for Lazarus or his friends but for what we are facing). His reassurance to us was "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whosoever lives and believes in me will never die." (Jesus was the first Christian, not set apart from and above Christians, and the eucharist meal is sort of cannibalistic, taking strength from others living and dying in the Way by absorbing their flesh and blood into ourselves, and our own flesh and blood into the communal body of Christ. ) My problem isn’t with the bible but with "Christians" who via the alliance of church and state known as "Christendom" have watered down the gospel message and turned this religion into no more than touchy-feely self-justifying emotional drivel. Thus it is that my one time school matron, a pious, moralistic churchperson who was quick to preach, misused the Anglican Eucharist to forgive herself and was full lovers with a 10 years old school chum, and she continued to simultaneously preach and be grossly immoral for many years. Even the Anabaptists whom I’m most closely allied to, have buried their light in tribalism and under 100,000,000 wheat-farmed bushels. Thus I will take encouragement from and seek insights with the Japanese Buddhist monks who are daily facing death as they march into the worlds trouble spots beating their drums. I will remain Christian though. I’d be glad to hear if its making any sense to you. In Peace Peter On Sat, 28 Jul 2001 21:38:56 -0500, Mary Lovelace – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -<melin…@swbell.net> wrote: >Hi. I am new here. My name is Mary. I am a 31 year old childhood and >domestic abuse survivor. After spending six years with a spouse who >would intermittently drink alcohol which caused him to go into some sort >of psychotic episode, and become a weapon-toting threat, it all ended in >his failed attempt at a double-homicide – (our child and me) suicide. >His suicide was a success (this was 5 and a half years ago). My child >and I were unharmed. >I was diagnosed shortly after with PTSD. Recently, I was on 2 meds for >depression (lifelong depression but not diagnosed until last 8 years or >so). Per doctor’s suggestion, I recently stopped one of the meds (a >central nervous system stimulant) because I was suffering from lots of >short term memory problems, and feeling as though I was always 5 steps >ahead of myself and could not catch up! Also, insomnia. Anyhow—once >stopping the CNS stimulant, but continuing the anti-depressant, all the >crazy dreams started again, and the waking up in the night because I >felt like my late spouse was standing in the room. If there was >anything in the room that could even remotely appear to be a human >figure, I feel like it is him. Then, I come out of my sleep better and >realize it is not so. Now, lots of intrusive thoughts about his suicide >and its investigation, visual images, the fear he caused me to feel by >his psychotic episodes, and although tired, wishing I do not need to go >to sleep, because I do not want to wake up with the feeling that he is >there, and falsely seeing his image. I started keeping a notebook to >write down all of the bizarre dreams, and as I log them (last night I >logged nine pages!) I am able to break down who the people symbolize and >what the feelings were in the dream (the feelings are intense—mostly >fear, defeat, and crying). >Can anyone relate to this?? Is it possible that the flashbacks are now >taking themselves into dreams and me waking up thinking that I see his >image?? Anyone else try a dream log?? Does it help?? >Thank you for reading. I was wary of posting, for fear that no one >could relate. Can you? >Mary
Response:
Hi Mary, Welcome to the group. I can relate to your dreams. When I’m able to sleep I dream constantly, sometimes many dreams a night. Also many recurring dreams, all with the same theme, just variations in the people and places that symbolize what I’m dreaming, but the basic concepts are usually the same. I’ve not kept a dream log lately, but when I have one that seems particularly pertinent I write it down so I can show it to my therapist. My situation is a bit different than yours, but a man or men is usually after me in my dreams, sometimes to rape, sometimes to kill me. I usually sleep with a light on so that I don’t see shadows when I wake up. Everything you’ve written pretty much fits in with mostly everyone else in the group. We have different reasons for our nightmares and fears but they pretty much all play out the same for us. You’re among friends here,so welcome to the group. tiny dancer "Mary Lovelace" <melin…@swbell.net> wrote in message
news:3B637740.C015705E@swbell.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi. I am new here. My name is Mary. I am a 31 year old childhood and > domestic abuse survivor. After spending six years with a spouse who > would intermittently drink alcohol which caused him to go into some sort > of psychotic episode, and become a weapon-toting threat, it all ended in > his failed attempt at a double-homicide – (our child and me) suicide. > His suicide was a success (this was 5 and a half years ago). My child > and I were unharmed. > I was diagnosed shortly after with PTSD. Recently, I was on 2 meds for > depression (lifelong depression but not diagnosed until last 8 years or > so). Per doctor’s suggestion, I recently stopped one of the meds (a > central nervous system stimulant) because I was suffering from lots of > short term memory problems, and feeling as though I was always 5 steps > ahead of myself and could not catch up! Also, insomnia. Anyhow—once > stopping the CNS stimulant, but continuing the anti-depressant, all the > crazy dreams started again, and the waking up in the night because I > felt like my late spouse was standing in the room. If there was > anything in the room that could even remotely appear to be a human > figure, I feel like it is him. Then, I come out of my sleep better and > realize it is not so. Now, lots of intrusive thoughts about his suicide > and its investigation, visual images, the fear he caused me to feel by > his psychotic episodes, and although tired, wishing I do not need to go > to sleep, because I do not want to wake up with the feeling that he is > there, and falsely seeing his image. I started keeping a notebook to > write down all of the bizarre dreams, and as I log them (last night I > logged nine pages!) I am able to break down who the people symbolize and > what the feelings were in the dream (the feelings are intense—mostly > fear, defeat, and crying). > Can anyone relate to this?? Is it possible that the flashbacks are now > taking themselves into dreams and me waking up thinking that I see his > image?? Anyone else try a dream log?? Does it help?? > Thank you for reading. I was wary of posting, for fear that no one > could relate. Can you? > Mary
Response:
Hi. I am new here. My name is Mary. I am a 31 year old childhood and domestic abuse survivor. After spending six years with a spouse who would intermittently drink alcohol which caused him to go into some sort of psychotic episode, and become a weapon-toting threat, it all ended in his failed attempt at a double-homicide – (our child and me) suicide. His suicide was a success (this was 5 and a half years ago). My child and I were unharmed. I was diagnosed shortly after with PTSD. Recently, I was on 2 meds for depression (lifelong depression but not diagnosed until last 8 years or so). Per doctor’s suggestion, I recently stopped one of the meds (a central nervous system stimulant) because I was suffering from lots of short term memory problems, and feeling as though I was always 5 steps ahead of myself and could not catch up! Also, insomnia. Anyhow—once stopping the CNS stimulant, but continuing the anti-depressant, all the crazy dreams started again, and the waking up in the night because I felt like my late spouse was standing in the room. If there was anything in the room that could even remotely appear to be a human figure, I feel like it is him. Then, I come out of my sleep better and realize it is not so. Now, lots of intrusive thoughts about his suicide and its investigation, visual images, the fear he caused me to feel by his psychotic episodes, and although tired, wishing I do not need to go to sleep, because I do not want to wake up with the feeling that he is there, and falsely seeing his image. I started keeping a notebook to write down all of the bizarre dreams, and as I log them (last night I logged nine pages!) I am able to break down who the people symbolize and what the feelings were in the dream (the feelings are intense—mostly fear, defeat, and crying). Can anyone relate to this?? Is it possible that the flashbacks are now taking themselves into dreams and me waking up thinking that I see his image?? Anyone else try a dream log?? Does it help?? Thank you for reading. I was wary of posting, for fear that no one could relate. Can you? Mary
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