Question:
figgered out in thpy ystrdy that I’ve harbored a previously unrecognized fear regarding the move to the new house (don’t shortly thereafter figured out why…and feel like a dolt for its having taken this long… spoilered, yet again, for talk of sxl abs, and frank talk of sx in general …. fknga$$hlswiththeirfkinghndsinplacestheyshdn’tbe&fkingpplove r4theirentirefkingmiserablelives…wtf*is*thisbllsht???fk.sn btch.thisfkngscks. Oh, blue’s probably gonna rant some…he’s having a good day, rant-wise. note: am now 2 sentences into the text under the spoiler. blue’s gonna feel like cussing a *lot*. not too much splatting below…ok, this degenerated rather rapidly into an extremely angry rant against my absrs, and the effects of their abse on blue, in particular. v.strong language and emotions below. fkit. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . this is fking bullsht. fking assholes. who the fuck gave them the right to fuck up my goddamned life this fucking badly??? Why the hell do i have to put up with this bullshit?? I can’t even be mad at my fking friends for treating me "gently" so they don’t "hurt" me or "trigger" me – when I don’t fucking need that *at all*! – because there’re these <I really wanna cuss here, but I can’t insult the kids or make ‘em think i’m mad at ‘em kids inside who *do* fking need for my friends to be gentle sometimes. I can’t ever life the fking life I want to live, and it’s because some fucking assholes fucked up my life when I was barely potty trained. I deserved better, goddamn it!!! I deserved to be loved and protected and kept safe from harm, and No, Luc, I don’t fucking care that that’s redundant…This is all fucking bullshit! No child should ever have to be hurt the way I was hurt…the way anyone on this ng was hurt. No child should have to go thru this bullshit! I can’t ever live life the way *I* want to…because *I* would *NOT* have *EXISTED* as *BLUE* if I hadn’t fucking had to *SPLIT* *CUZ I WAS GETTING MY ASS REAMED BY MY UNCLE’S THUMB!!!!!* Ok…fuck it. I’m gonna hafta switch out. I’ve started punching the woodwork. And I have to sing in church tomorrow so I need my beauty rest… well, whatever the fking fear was, I took care of it. Slept the whole night last night in the new place, and no gh0sts jumped outta the woodwork to do bad things to us in the middle of the night, like they did when we visited my aunt and ncle’s house when i was a kid. hint, hint…sleeping in a new/different house was a trigger for me. my T picked up on it right away. told him dave and I inaugurated the new place and T said "And how absive did it feel?" Pretty danged absive, actually. I dissed out in the middle of anlsx cuz the kids were trying to figure out what was going on and got scared and confused, then panicky when I tried to push them aside, and then, because I stopped feeling stuff, got…um…hurt a bit… Note to self: Don’t do that again. i hate this bullshit. i want a fucking life of my own. i don’t want to be tied into the same body with the kids, and Jen, and JT (worse than Jen) and Luc – hell, I defended Luc the other day to my friends! What’s the world coming to??? 
But this is stupid as hell! I don’t want people treating *ME* like they treat the kids. But there’s *NO* way I can expect my friends to know *WHO I AM* at any given time *ESPECIALLY* since the kids can be coconscious, and since I switch so damned much in the first place! This isn’t fair, damn it! I want my own fucking life! fuck it. sleep well, friends….. Blue, for dyenths
Response:
Hi , I am so glad you know why you were so scared. Some times you can figure it out or make it better? then , at least it isn’t so scary afterwards. See below Ecc, me figgered out in thpy ystrdy that I’ve harbored a previously unrecognized fear regarding the move to the new house (don’t shortly thereafter figured out why…and feel like a dolt for its having taken this long… spoilered, yet again, for talk of sxl abs, and frank talk of sx in general …. fknga$$hlswiththeirfkinghndsinplacestheyshdn’tbe&fkingpplove r4theirentirefkingmiserablelives…wtf*is*thisbllsht???fk.sn btch.thisfkngscks.
Got it 1 – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Oh, blue’s probably gonna rant some…he’s having a good day, rant-wise. note: am now 2 sentences into the text under the spoiler. blue’s gonna feel like cussing a *lot*. not too much splatting below…ok, this degenerated rather rapidly into an extremely angry rant against my absrs, and the effects of their abse on blue, in particular. v.strong language and emotions below. fkit. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . this is fking bullsht. fking assholes. who the fuck gave them the right to fuck up my goddamned life this fucking badly??? Why the hell do i have to put up with this bullshit?? I can’t even be mad at my fking friends for treating me "gently" so they don’t "hurt" me or "trigger" me – when I don’t fucking need that *at all*! – because there’re these <I really wanna cuss here, but I can’t insult the kids or make ‘em think i’m mad at ‘em kids inside who *do* fking need for my friends to be gentle sometimes. I can’t ever life the fking life I want to live, and it’s because some fucking assholes fucked up my life when I was barely potty trained. I deserved better, goddamn it!!! I deserved to be loved and protected and kept safe from harm, and No, Luc, I don’t fucking care that that’s redundant…This is all fucking bullshit! No child should ever have to be hurt the way I was hurt…the way anyone on this ng was hurt. No child should have to go thru this bullshit!
But I did , noy quite the same but ingenious all the same, I think pain and invasion of a little one has many ways to be done and expressed. You have exposed a few. I know them well. See those assholus were not special or unuque , no just another assho7e . Hurting omes that could not protect themselves , mosyt of these ones do that you know only hurt ones that can’t protect themselvrs / I can’t ever live life the way *I* want to…because *I* would *NOT* have *EXISTED* as *BLUE* if I hadn’t fucking had to *SPLIT* *CUZ I WAS GETTING MY ASS REAMED BY MY UNCLE’S THUMB!!!!!*
oh what pain and confusion for such a little one I do so wish to have been there to hold and protect you, And you would know that if you told me I would believe you , not him. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Ok…fuck it. I’m gonna hafta switch out. I’ve started punching the woodwork. And I have to sing in church tomorrow so I need my beauty rest… well, whatever the fking fear was, I took care of it. Slept the whole night last night in the new place, and no gh0sts jumped outta the woodwork to do bad things to us in the middle of the night, like they did when we visited my aunt and ncle’s house when i was a kid. hint, hint…sleeping in a new/different house was a trigger for me. my T picked up on it right away. told him dave and I inaugurated the new place and T said "And how absive did it feel?" Pretty danged absive, actually. I dissed out in the middle of anlsx cuz the kids were trying to figure out what was going on and got scared and confused, then panicky when I tried to push them aside, and then, because I stopped feeling stuff, got…um…hurt a bit… Note to self: Don’t do that again.
No and we live and we learn , but why has it taken so lonfg and at such a price? There is no other way, and to go faster would hurt and kill us. I think so anyway. i hate this bullshit. i want a fucking life of my own. i don’t want to be tied into the same body with the kids, and Jen, and JT (worse than Jen) and Luc – hell, I defended Luc the other day to my friends! What’s the world coming to??? But this is stupid as hell! I don’t want people treating *ME* like they treat the kids. But there’s *NO* way I can expect my friends to know *WHO I AM* at any given time *ESPECIALLY* since the kids can be coconscious, and since I switch so damned much in the first place! This isn’t fair, damn it! I want my own fucking life!
You probably have one , but this other exits and comes out when it can or when they feel safe , and sometimes they don’t know the difference’ I try to seldom if at all come out in front of anyone who is not in the mental health profession. I think because of this coconsciousness, I also let things go , but most of the time it just all works in to the topic of conversation, or I make it so, Many times there are several out at once yet all know there place and there jobs and it works beautifully as long as I don’t let someone think they just have to speak on their own. Or I don’t let them do it. The price is way to high to pay, I have learned through time and patience and therapy and pain , to keep my mouths shut , yet a lot of times I get to say what I want . only they don’t know and I don’t care if they know are not. fuck it. sleep well, friends….
I don’t thino so, I guess not until the time I actually fall asleep. See ya Ecc – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Blue, for dyenths
Response:
hey…*sigh*
Hi , I am so glad you know why you were so scared. Some times you can figure it out or make it better? then , at least it isn’t so scary afterwards.
yup. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – See below Ecc, me figgered out in thpy ystrdy that I’ve harbored a previously unrecognized fear regarding the move to the new house (don’t and shortly thereafter figured out why…and feel like a dolt for its having taken this long… spoilered, yet again, for talk of sxl abs, and frank talk of sx in general ….
fknga$$hlswiththeirfkinghndsinplacestheyshdn’tbe&fkingpplove r4theirentirefkingmiserablelives…wtf*is*thisbllsht???fk.sn – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – btch.thisfkngscks. Got it 1 Oh, blue’s probably gonna rant some…he’s having a good day, rant-wise. note: am now 2 sentences into the text under the spoiler. blue’s gonna feel like cussing a *lot*. not too much splatting below…ok, this degenerated rather rapidly into an extremely angry rant against my absrs, and the effects of their abse on blue, in particular. v.strong language and emotions below. fkit. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . this is fking bullsht. fking assholes. who the fuck gave them the right to fuck up my goddamned life this fucking badly??? Why the hell do i have to put up with this bullshit?? I can’t even be mad at my fking friends for treating me "gently" so they don’t "hurt" me or "trigger" me – when I don’t fucking need that *at all*! – because there’re these <I really wanna cuss here, but I can’t insult the kids or make ‘em think i’m mad at ‘em kids inside who *do* fking need for my friends to be gentle sometimes. I can’t ever life the fking life I want to live, and it’s because some fucking assholes fucked up my life when I was barely potty trained. I deserved better, goddamn it!!! I deserved to be loved and protected and kept safe from harm, and No, Luc, I don’t fucking care that that’s redundant…This is all fucking bullshit! No child should ever have to be hurt the way I was hurt…the way anyone on this ng was hurt. No child should have to go thru this bullshit! But I did , noy quite the same but ingenious all the same, I think pain and invasion of a little one has many ways to be done and expressed. You have exposed a few. I know them well. See those assholus were not special or unuque , no just another assho7e . Hurting omes that could not protect themselves , mosyt of these ones do that you know only hurt ones that can’t protect themselvrs /
yup. *sigh* T keeps making sarcastic references to that invasion I endured, and I get flustered. He asked me why I get flustered when he makes those comments. I asked, finally, if he realized *just how long* it took me to be able to *say* … and then I realized that Blue *can’t* say it. No way outta that one…;) As Blue, I cussed, shouted in aggravation, then came back with "you know, I finally found a good way to explain it, a good phrase…<still under spoiler I can say "He sodomized me with his thumb" It’s *much* easier to say than "he stuck his thumb up my ass". Oh, I can say it fine now! Note the lack of eye contact, however" And T said "Yeah, and the switch to someone who can intellectualize." *d’oh*! I hadn’t realized I’d switched to Luc, but I had – T was right. I always wondered why Blue was *right next* to Luc, when I couldn’t see a good reason for it. Anyway, T asked if I knew *why* he kept making references to it. "Because you’re an asshole? No…because it’s important, and I can’t forget it’s important." "Yeah, because it took what he did from the realm of gentle exploration, gentle touches or whatever, and made it sick, an act of domination, something deliberately painful and humiliating." It makes me sad that I still have parts who can’t say aloud what he did to me. It makes me sad that I have parts, though I’ve come to love them individually. And I have to go to ch*rch today and sing h*mns that he has sung, h*mns that I heard at his house. I h8 it when my ch*rch goes with the b*ptist h*mn theme…..and there’re these 2 adorable little girls who sit in the front row with their mother every week, and they’re so well behaved, and so close in age to me when I got hurt, and they look like I used to look…same color hair and eyes, same skin color, same hair cut, same innocent wonder in their gaze…..it hurts like fucking hell to see them week after week. They’re so adorable, so precious…so easy to hurt. And the last time I was their one had a different haircut, and seemed more wary than she used to (they’re identical twins). The other still acted like Sunshine. This one acted like Jenny. My before-and-after pictures. I can’t *stand* it that she might have gotten hurt. I can’t *stand* knowing that children all over are still getting hurt, and there’s nothing I can do about it. People’s *lives* are getting ruined… eh…T would say they’re not getting ruined. They’re just getting more difficult and painful. He would also ask me why I’m getting so worked up over this issue. The answer is simple: He asked who noticed the change in me, Sunshine to Jenny. The answer is "Maybe my Gramma" but she didn’t say anything – just got more gentle with me – and I didn’t tell anyone – was afraid of getting in more trouble. Nobody said anything. There’s a *huge* difference between Sunshine and Jenny…Sunshine personifies her name. Jenny has PTSD – she’s hypervigilant, silent, watchful, still…fearful. K. Gotta go. Thanks, friend. dyenths – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I can’t ever live life the way *I* want to…because *I* would *NOT* have *EXISTED* as *BLUE* if I hadn’t fucking had to *SPLIT* *CUZ I WAS GETTING MY ASS REAMED BY MY UNCLE’S THUMB!!!!!* oh what pain and confusion for such a little one I do so wish to have been there to hold and protect you, And you would know that if you told me I would believe you , not him. Ok…fuck it. I’m gonna hafta switch out. I’ve started punching the woodwork. And I have to sing in church tomorrow so I need my beauty rest… well, whatever the fking fear was, I took care of it. Slept the whole night last night in the new place, and no gh0sts jumped outta the woodwork to do bad things to us in the middle of the night, like they did when we visited my aunt and ncle’s house when i was a kid. hint, hint…sleeping in a new/different house was a trigger for me. my T picked up on it right away. told him dave and I inaugurated the new place and T said "And how absive did it feel?" Pretty danged absive, actually. I dissed out in the middle of anlsx cuz the kids were trying to figure out what was going on and got scared and confused, then panicky when I tried to push them aside, and then, because I stopped feeling stuff, got…um…hurt a bit… Note to self: Don’t do that again. No and we live and we learn , but why has it taken so lonfg and at such a price? There is no other way, and to go faster would hurt and kill us. I think so anyway. i hate this bullshit. i want a fucking life of my own. i don’t want to be tied into the same body with the kids, and Jen, and JT (worse than Jen) and Luc – hell, I defended Luc the other day to my friends! What’s the world coming to??? But this is stupid as hell! I don’t want people treating *ME* like they treat the kids. But there’s *NO* way I can expect my friends to know *WHO I AM* at any given time *ESPECIALLY* since the kids can be coconscious, and since I switch so damned much in the first place! This isn’t fair, damn it! I want my own fucking life! You probably have one , but this other exits and comes out when it can or when they feel safe , and sometimes they don’t know the difference’ I try to seldom if at all come out in front of anyone who is not in the mental health profession. I think because of this coconsciousness, I also let things go , but most of the time it just all works in to the topic of
conversation, or I make – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – it so, Many times there are several out at once yet all know there place and there jobs and it works beautifully as long as I don’t let someone think they just have to speak on their own. Or I don’t let them do it. The price is way to high to pay, I have learned through time and patience and therapy and pain , to keep my mouths shut , yet a lot of times I get to say what I want . only they don’t know and I don’t care if they know are not. fuck it. sleep well, friends…. I don’t thino so, I guess not until the time I actually fall asleep. See ya Ecc Blue, for dyenths
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