Trauma – PTSD

Question:

Hello, The therapist that I was seeing on and off for about 7 years, up and moved out of state, giving me about a month’s notice before she left. I really thought I was okay with it all and very adult about understanding that she has a life and she was moving for a better job, etc.  I had asked her would it be out of boundaries for me to drop a line to her sometime, as long as I wasn’t trying to get her to still be my therapist. She said she was fine with that, and said at my last session she would give me her address, etc.  Well, I think she must have thought about it–rightly so–and decided that wasn’t cool.  At our last "session" she hemmed and hawwed about giving me her address and said "why don’t you give me your address and e-mail address and when I get settled in, I will drop a line and check in with you." Well, it’s been six months..ha ha…I kinda think she was well, LYING to me maybe?  I mean, this is almost sitcom material.  You learn to trust someone and then when you do, they lie because they can’t be up-front enough to say "I don’t feel comfortable in communicating with you after I leave." So, yes I have unresolved issues big time. I was okay up until a month or so ago, and I feel like I’ve spiraled over several things going on in my life at the same time. I called and got some referrals to therapists, and I went to the first one today.  Okay, how do you know whether a therapist is good or bad from a first visit? With my previous therapist, I just knew the fit was right from the first moment I talked with her.   I don’t know what questions to ask or what to find another therapist.  I hate this. This one wasn’t really bad but I didn’t like her office and I didn’t like how she sat in a chair in front of me, so far away from me.  It was like there was some imaginary boundary line that I better not cross. It creeped me.  I was so upset though, that instead of asking all of the questions I needed to ask her, I just started venting because i’ve been so depressed in the past few weeks.  After I left, I thought "I’m not sure I like her, but how do I find a good therapist?" I’m in Atlanta and if anyone knows about any good, female therapists who can deal with PTSD, borderline, etc. please e-mail me and let me know. Part of me just feels that I will always be screwed up and no amount of talking is going to help. Hell, if I was in therapy on and off for 7 years, and this is the result of it, I might as well dig a hole and cover myself over with dirt. I just know I didn’t really click with this woman, but I went ahead and setup another appointment for next week.  I just don’t know how to find a good therapist. Thanks for letting me vent. Lisa Atlanta, GA

Response:

Your old therapist was probably your friend, but still your THERAPIST. a PROFESSIONAL.   My original psychiatrist moved.  I have not heard from him since.   I don’t expect too.  He is too busy.  I was his patient, not lifelong friend.  Friendship is a BONUS, not a requirement.  He lasted 5 years before he moved.  Found out his partner, well, great person.  I am happy with her. I had a great psychologist.  We were almost friends.  We were close, but I did not know her home address or phone.  There was professional "separation".  That is standard practice.  About 7 years.  She moved. I miss her.  She did come back periodically to see her old patients to help in the "transition".  I made a cold break.  Last appointment was the last time I saw her. Her friend, another psychologist, was my next therapist.  And she is my current therapist.  She is almost 40 miles away (she he moved twice, further south each time).  I stick with her. There is nothing personal about your old therapist not contacting you anymore.  You are better spending that emotional "currency" on your new therapist.  You will know who you like.  Keep trying. Remember.  They are professionals. We are "patients", not lifelong friends.  They will be friends, they will be there for you.  BUT, you are still classified as "patient".  They will care about you, they will worry about you.  They will NOT be your best and lifelong friend. That is not their job, or their place, or function. Do not let your disappointment about contact with original therapist cloud your feelings and judgement about a new therapist. I have been legally "insane" now for almost 9 years.  I will be going to therapy probably for the rest of my life.  Not necessarily to be "cured", but to be "monitored".   I am very picky about my psychiatic "professionals".  I have been very lucky so far.  Good ones.  We are all friendly.  I now even correspond by email with my psychologist between sessions.  We get along fine. Adjust your expectations about your medical professionals.  You are not the only patient they have to deal with.  If they got emotionally close to every patient, they would be in therapy themselves soon!!!! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Hello, The therapist that I was seeing on and off for about 7 years, up and moved out of state, giving me about a month’s notice before she left. I really thought I was okay with it all and very adult about understanding that she has a life and she was moving for a better job, etc.  I had asked her would it be out of boundaries for me to drop a line to her sometime, as long as I wasn’t trying to get her to still be my therapist. She said she was fine with that, and said at my last session she would give me her address, etc.  Well, I think she must have thought about it–rightly so–and decided that wasn’t cool.  At our last "session" she hemmed and hawwed about giving me her address and said "why don’t you give me your address and e-mail address and when I get settled in, I will drop a line and check in with you." Well, it’s been six months..ha ha…I kinda think she was well, LYING to me maybe?  I mean, this is almost sitcom material.  You learn to trust someone and then when you do, they lie because they can’t be up-front enough to say "I don’t feel comfortable in communicating with you after I leave." So, yes I have unresolved issues big time. I was okay up until a month or so ago, and I feel like I’ve spiraled over several things going on in my life at the same time. I called and got some referrals to therapists, and I went to the first one today.  Okay, how do you know whether a therapist is good or bad from a first visit? With my previous therapist, I just knew the fit was right from the first moment I talked with her.   I don’t know what questions to ask or what to find another therapist.  I hate this. This one wasn’t really bad but I didn’t like her office and I didn’t like how she sat in a chair in front of me, so far away from me.  It was like there was some imaginary boundary line that I better not cross. It creeped me.  I was so upset though, that instead of asking all of the questions I needed to ask her, I just started venting because i’ve been so depressed in the past few weeks.  After I left, I thought "I’m not sure I like her, but how do I find a good therapist?" I’m in Atlanta and if anyone knows about any good, female therapists who can deal with PTSD, borderline, etc. please e-mail me and let me know. Part of me just feels that I will always be screwed up and no amount of talking is going to help. Hell, if I was in therapy on and off for 7 years, and this is the result of it, I might as well dig a hole and cover myself over with dirt. I just know I didn’t really click with this woman, but I went ahead and setup another appointment for next week.  I just don’t know how to find a good therapist. Thanks for letting me vent. Lisa Atlanta, GA

Response:

Your old therapist was probably your friend, but still your THERAPIST. a PROFESSIONAL.   My original psychiatrist moved.  I have not heard from him since.   I don’t expect too.  He is too busy

I think I KNOW that my THERAPIST was a PROFESSIONAL, and I never thought we would be friends, nor did I expect life long friendship. However, I did expect her to be honest with me and when I asked if I could drop her a line sometime–as in Christmas Card, etc.–she had no problem with that and said that would not push her boundaries at all. The next time I saw her, she had changed her mind but it was obvious she wouldn’t just be honest and say "Actually, after I thought about it, I didn’t think it was a good idea."   I could have HANDLED that with no problem. That’s not what she did. She took my address and e-mail address and SAID "I will drop you a line when I get settled."  Yes, I think I realize that I was not her only client, and yes I think I realize that we will never be ‘friends’ but I think she could have been honest with me. That is what bothers me the most.  We spent all this time talking about saying what you feel, being honest about your feelings, and it’s obvious that she wasn’t being honest.  That hurt me. So, I appreciate you pointing out the finer "boundary issues" of therapy, but I felt I was lied to by my therapist.   For whatever reasons, that bothers me. Thanks for your insights, however. Lisa Atlanta, Ga.

Response:

The therapist that I was seeing on and off for about 7 years, up and moved out of state, giving me about a month’s notice before she left.

   There are of course many reasons why a therapist might only be able to give their clients a month’s notice of their leaving.  But a months notice seems kinda short for a 7 year relationship and what presumably was a long process culminating in a move out of state. I had asked her would it be out of boundaries for me to drop a line to her sometime….. She said she was fine with that, and said at my last session she would give me her address, etc……   At our last "session" she hemmed and hawwed about giving me her address and said "why don’t you give me your address and e-mail address and when I get settled in, I will drop a line and check in with you." Well, it’s been six months..ha ha…I kinda think she was well, LYING to me maybe?

   I don’t think your therapist was lying to you.  I suspect, like I think you do, that maybe she was lying to herself – and you were lying to yourself. You learn to trust someone and then when you do, they lie because they can’t be up-front enough to say "I don’t feel comfortable in communicating with you after I leave."  So, yes I have unresolved issues big time.

    But you did learn something.  You learned that you can be more in touch with your own feelings, and better able to articulate them, than those whom you engage to help you to do these things better.  And you learned that even tho you might sometimes do these things better than those you engage to help you, none-the-less you can still be helped and learn a lot from those people.  You learned that you can’t trust people who don’t know themselves, and you learned how to spot that behavior better.  We’re all good at lying to ourselves.  I don’t think you will ever find someone who never lies to themselves – therapists included because they are only human after all.  But hopefully, if you want to continue in some kind of therapy, you will be able to find an even better therapist, and you will be able to talk about these issues with them. Just some thoughts…… Sincerely Stewart — The Metaphor Man  *and*  The Great Defender of the Self (remove the SPAMBLOCK) Please send me an e-mail copy of your posted response.

Response:

Hi, Lisa!  It’s nice to hear from another Atlanta ASDer.  I can’t say I know how to find a good therp.  Mine just clicked after the first session, like you did with your old therp.  I understand your feelings of anger and loss.  It is a tremendous hurt to separate from someone you have been so close to, have confided your life to.  It will take some time to resolve those feelings, but you will eventually sort it all out. As for therapists here in Atlanta, I don’t know alot about private therapy, but I do know Emory has a clinic which would be on a sliding scale.  There is also a sliding scale clinic at Georgia Baptist, which is where I go.  It’s nice to be at a clinic, because if you don’t like one therp there, you can try another one.  I’m sure there must be other sliding scale clinics around, too. It may just take a while of therp hunting until you find the right person.  Asking how long they’ve been practicing, have they had other borderline/ptsd patients, what theory of therapy do they use, that type of stuff might be good to ask.  Tell them about your old therp and your feelings surrounding her.  A new therp could help you through that. I’m afraid I don’t have any more advice than that.  Keep us updated and let us know when you’ve found the right one. Susan — "It was a dream of honey.  Lots of honey.  Enough to last a whole summer.  Actually, it selected me. But once I had the dream, I knew I must pursue it…. I used my dream to set a goal."– Winnie the Pooh Before you buy.

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