Question:
Uncanny was brave to write honestly about childish and hurtful behaviour. Uncanny titled the message, "Hope to stay in the driver’s seat." But in the first sentence of the message, where Uncanny was trying to find some excuse or way to avoid responsibility for this behavior, Uncanny wrote, "who am I kidding." Who are you kidding, Uncanny? Uncanny: me, I’ve been kidding myself all my life till now, and it hurts to see me here, I don’t want to be this childish person. I wanta be adult me!!! Ashamed: Why do you hope to stay in the driver’s seat? Which driver’s seat do you mean? Uncanny: because I need to Function, be the functional, strong Adult that I am NOt now. I want to Steer my life instead of being driven by people and Their stuff. I want to deal with my stuff out of work! This process (getting out of denial?) is partly what has caused me to be so
messed up lately. << Ashamed: Maybe so! Getting out of denial would be good, *if* it means Uncanny moves to a better place than denial. uncanny: that’s exactly what I was talking about with my hypnotherapist today, denial can be healthy too, I was saying my denial was sooo strong; as thick as an iced lake and these past few months its been cracking and chipping away and I can’t handle my emotions. Ya all must think I’m unethical working at a psychiatric hospital, I did for a long time, << Ashamed: For a long time, you thought you were unethical, Uncanny? Is that what you mean? uncanny: well, I don’t know what I thinnk anymore, I guess I’ve been sick, confused, depressed, age regressed and didn’t know what was going on with me, but felt bad, like yah, I was unethical for working with kids when I feel like one too. but recently, I don’t feel bad cause there are worse people doing worse
where I work, and I do some really decent things!<< Hmmmmmm…… So what you are doing, Uncanny, is waving a red flag to us? You are telling us that you no longer feel guilt for your behaviour, even though you seem to be abandoning adult responsibilities, and even, now, simple childish duties? Uncanny: I don’t understand what your saying. that particular day that I wrote that I thought I had done some good for a kid, but every day is different as far as how I feel, its the staff members that I work with too, they make it very hard for me too, cause like I said each day is a new day so I may come in to work, like today and feel very professional and "handle" things and then staff still look at me the same way they looked at me yesterday. It feels like a losing battle when it comes to respect from my peers. ashamed: Because other people are worse than you, means you have a right to do what you’ve been doing? Because you do some good things, means you feel justified in doing some bad things? uncanny: this sounds aweful Maybe this whole long message I’ve written is all just b*llsh*t.<<
ashamed: Uncanny, I think that some of your reasoning is unsound. But I also agree with you when you say that there is truth in what you write. The two do not cancel each other. uncanny: what do you mean unsound reasoning, I’m not thinking right, my perception is off wack??? ashamed: You sound to me like an unhappy person who may be desperate just to talk about what you’ve been doing. uncanny: yah, I am unhappy now, its hard being me these days. and as far as me being desperate to talk about what I’ve been doing, can’t really say in words, I guess its just me not being the professional me that I used to be. I panic at times, I get too involved and I don’t set boundries, well…..that says it (guess I can say it). Thanks for being so candid with me. maybe I should be "ashamed" (I am ashamed and don’t know what to do with it. Uncanny — — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
NEW MATERIAL marked with *. Note, I don’t have energy to continue this dialogue getting more and more involved, but since Uncanny honored me by writing such an extensive response, here are some brief comments. Hope this resolves any misunderstanding or questions. Good luck, Uncanny. Uncanny: me, I’ve been kidding myself all my life till now, and it hurts to see me here, I don’t want to be this childish person. I wanta be adult me!!! *Ashamed: Cool. Sounds excellent. Ashamed: Why do you hope to stay in the driver’s seat? Which driver’s seat do you mean? Uncanny: because I need to Function, be the functional, strong Adult that I am NOt now. I want to Steer my life instead of being driven by people and Their stuff. I want to deal with my stuff out of work! *Ashamed: an impaired driver should not be driving. A responsible adult gets out of the driver’s seat if she realizes that she would be a danger behind the wheel. Uncanny: This process (getting out of denial?) is partly what has caused me to be so messed up lately. << Ashamed: Maybe so! Getting out of denial would be good, *if* it means Uncanny moves to a better place than denial. uncanny: that’s exactly what I was talking about with my hypnotherapist today, denial can be healthy too, I was saying my denial was sooo strong; as thick as an iced lake and these past few months its been cracking and chipping away and I can’t handle my emotions. *Ashamed: Sounds scarey. Uncanny: Ya all must think I’m unethical working at a psychiatric hospital, I did for a long time, << Ashamed: For a long time, you thought you were unethical, Uncanny? Is that what you mean? uncanny: well, I don’t know what I thinnk anymore, I guess I’ve been sick, confused, depressed, age regressed and didn’t know what was going on with me, but felt bad, like yah, I was unethical for working with kids when I feel like one too. *Ashamed: Okay. I would agree with your initial assessment. Uncanny: but recently, I don’t feel bad cause there are worse people doing worse where I work, and I do some really decent things!<< ashamed: Hmmmmmm…… So what you are doing, Uncanny, is waving a red flag to us? You are telling us that you no longer feel guilt for your behaviour, even though you seem to be abandoning adult responsibilities, and even, now, simple childish duties? Uncanny: I don’t understand what your saying. that particular day that I wrote that I thought I had done some good for a kid, but every day is different as far as how I feel, its the staff members that I work with too, they make it very hard for me too, cause like I said each day is a new day so I may come in to work, like today and feel very professional and "handle" things and then staff still look at me the same way they looked at me yesterday. It feels like a losing battle when it comes to respect from my peers. *Ashamed: It sounds to me like you are evading responsibility for what you wrote the first time around. ashamed: Because other people are worse than you, means you have a right to do what you’ve been doing? Because you do some good things, means you feel justified in doing some bad things? uncanny: this sounds aweful *Ashamed: Indeed. It does to me, too. I was just elaborating on what you wrote the first time, yourself. uncanny: Maybe this whole long message I’ve written is all just b*llsh*t.<< ashamed: Uncanny, I think that some of your reasoning is unsound. But I also agree with you when you say that there is truth in what you write. The two do not cancel each other. uncanny: what do you mean unsound reasoning, I’m not thinking right, my perception is off wack??? *Ashamed: Yes. That’s what I meant. Some of your rational thinking was not sound. You wrote, for example, I don’t feel bad cause there are worse people doing worse where I work, and I do some really decent things!<< ashamed: You sound to me like an unhappy person who may be desperate just to talk about what you’ve been doing. uncanny: yah, I am unhappy now, its hard being me these days. and as far as me being desperate to talk about what I’ve been doing, can’t really say in words, I guess its just me not being the professional me that I used to be. I panic at times, I get too involved and I don’t set boundries, well…..that says it (guess I can say it). Thanks for being so candid with me. maybe I should be "ashamed" (I am ashamed and don’t know what to do with it. Uncanny *ashamed: Well, I have more shame than is good for me, I wouldn’t encourage you to be ashamed. Good luck and the best wishes to you. As you know, only YOU can change your own attitude and behavior. You panic, you don’t set boundaries….. probably you need help changing those patterns, and *not* help in making excuses and justifying and rationalizing your behavior, which you admit, has sometimes become destructive. I am hoping that the asd community will give you the kind of help that will be good *for you AND the kids you’re working with.* I care about them and about you. but i really don’t think I can save you, much less, save you over the internet. Very best wishes to you and now I need to step away from being so involved in this thread. Thanks for listening. -Ashamed. — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
To all, I’m sorry if I sound like I expect anyone to save me over the internet. Been going through stressful time. During times of stress my behavior isn’t that object, for that I am sorry. I just hope for some feedback, that’s all I ask for, thanks and sorry again if I offended anyone. I’ve done some thinking these past few days after I’ve seen my med doctor (who BTW is a "big deal" with bipolar, especially SAD; Seasonal Affective Disorder). He advised me to use my sun lamp in the MORNING for 15-20 minutes verses, what I was doing in the afternoon. I have begun to feel better, more confident and productive at work. After reading Ashamed and e’s replies to my post and seeing my hypno T this week, has helped me put things into perspective. It’s like I’m Getting the perspective that I once had. Reality feels pretty darn good!!!! :) Don’t know if I’m safe in a little denial or pure reality, but I feel I’m in the right place, whatever it is. I do dissociate, regress into a teenage age, but I do have SAD and that’s for sure. Now as far as the amnesia, that is the part that is still hidden, but that’s O.K. for now. I need to get my life in order and GET a life, exercise, eat right, aquire friends, here and in RL. I’m gonna take things slow, keep both T’s and drop the Group thing. I’ll tell T today and hope he doesn’t try to coerse me to do otherwise, even "put closure and go for one last time." I don’t want to! This weekend, Valentines weekend, I’m going to a family reunion and I’m gonna make sure I have fun and be the self that I lost quite a while ago, like a year, hypno T is helping a lot with that, I think he’s a cognitive type T. I worked last night and did a very good job, worked with teenage boys and did a group on relaxation, was pretty productive and had a good shift. I will stay at this job until I feel good about leaving on a good note, maybe 6 months, then I’ll look for something else (maybe sooner). I need to get educated on psych with teenagers in an objective manner. And as far as what Ashamed said about being desperate to talk about what I was doing there at work, I will say with a spoiler. Hope I am doing right thing as far as spoiler. I’m doing spoiler cause I’ll talk a little about PTSD type symptoms and don’t want to trigger anyone about s*xual stuff/feelings. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * guess this is long enough. The reason why I was feeling so bad about what I was doing at work was that I was feeling sexual feelings, not toward anyone in general, but just this aweful feeling. I felt so aweful about it that I wanted to cut myself, not cut in the usual sense, but cut the area that made me feel these feeling of sexual arousal. I broke up with my last boyfriend cause I didn’t like the feeling of sex and he was kinda pushing me to be more and more intimate. I have not had these problems in a long long time, always thought I didn’t have sexual problems, but now feel so ashamed for having them that I don’t want to be intimate with any man. I am being honest and not denying, I never had feeling towards any boy client that I work with, I just have these arousal feelings, with no desire to do anything with them, its just there and I wish it wasn’t. I want to get rid of it and not have it and when I say I want to cut myself I mean cut the part of my body that is required to have those feelings, won’t ever do it, trust me, never cut before, but its just emotionally painful and Undesirable. So, here it is, honest Uncanny. — — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
I’m feeling different, don’t know if it’s just my "mood" or also my personality (who am I kidding). Thought I’d talk a little about what I’ve been doing over the past month or two, I remember, but couldn’t piece it together. To start off with, I live in a house with two other roommates and I’ve been a major hermate, was it depression (Idon’t think so, but maybe) or was it just wanting to hide from the world (yup), from my closest friends, family, and also shrink. I acted childish, like a teenager in a LOT of ways. I took things from my roommate, not Big things (but its just not me), like Reeses pieces(two huge bags), food stuff that was Theirs, not mine. I took a pair of blue jeans that weren’t mine (I guess I thought I was borrowing them). After work I went straight to my room and wouldn’t talk to roomies. I smoked in my bedroom, which roommate/owner of the house said I couldn’t do when I moved in August 8th. I’m a respectful, loyal, honest, moral person! At work, that’s another story, all I can say is what my co-workers have said to me and the fact that I felt "out of reality" and couldn’t hold a conversation. They kept reminding me of my bad spelling, my "professionalism" and my poor memory (which they constantly questioned me about). I work in a psychiatric hospital with adolescents. I left "triggering" scenes, just Left Crying or just stood there, Duhhhh. I’ve been acting like a teenager, that’s all there is to it. When I WAS a teenager I stole $$ from my stepmother and other things too. Today, when roomie put these two big empty bags of Reeses peices on the counter it all kinda hit me (funny, huh, that this would start me thinkin). They’ve both been really cool and really nice and I really feel like I’m home. Really. I guess I’m ready to learn (read) about dissociation. I’ve read a little at the book store, but I need to research. I yelled at my shrink Wednesday and he call thursday night and I apologized. I think my anger was transference that I’m dealing with. But I feel if my communication skills are lacking at these times of stress why can’t he Help me with That? I also told him I AM quitting Group therapy. He’s the therapist and there are now three new people (after having the same people for 14 months) and I don’t feel comfortable with those folks, he wants me to go to group and "talk about my feelings." It’s not like I don’t like them, I do, but what good is group when I barely talk, he says I may get something from what they talk about about their family (true, I have gone into trance a few times, but that was when I felt comfortable). I just would feel relieved to stop group, at least for now. Gotta take charge of it all and figure me out!! This process (getting out of denial?) is partly what has caused me to be so messed up lately. Ya all must think I’m unethical working at a psychiatric hospital, I did for a long time, but recently, I don’t feel bad cause there are worse people doing worse where I work, and I do some really decent things! Maybe this whole long message I’ve written is all just b*llsh*t. No, it’s not, theres truth. Uncanny — — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
Uncanny was brave to write honestly about childish and hurtful behaviour. Uncanny titled the message, "Hope to stay in the driver’s seat." But in the first sentence of the message, where Uncanny was trying to find some excuse or way to avoid responsibility for this behavior, Uncanny wrote, "who am I kidding." Who are you kidding, Uncanny? Why do you hope to stay in the driver’s seat? Which driver’s seat do you mean? Uncanny wrote, This process (getting out
of denial?) is partly what has caused me to be so messed up lately. << Maybe so! Getting out of denial would be good, *if* it means Uncanny moves to a better place than denial. Ya all
must think I’m unethical working at a psychiatric hospital, I did for a long time, << For a long time, you thought you were unethical, Uncanny? Is that what you mean? but recently, I don’t feel bad cause there are worse people doing worse
where I work, and I do some really decent things!<< Hmmmmmm…… So what you are doing, Uncanny, is waving a red flag to us? You are telling us that you no longer feel guilt for your behaviour, even though you seem to be abandoning adult responsibilities, and even, now, simple childish duties? Because other people are worse than you, means you have a right to do what you’ve been doing? Because you do some good things, means you feel justified in doing some bad things? Maybe this whole long
message I’ve written is all just b*llsh*t.<< Uncanny, I think that some of your reasoning is unsound. But I also agree with you when you say that there is truth in what you write. The two do not cancel each other. You sound to me like an unhappy person who may be desperate just to talk about what you’ve been doing. — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
If you like this post and would like to receive updates from this blog, please subscribe our feed.