Trauma – PTSD

Question:

Liked your posting, it made sense to me. TRW <trw…@excite.com> wrote in message

news:38edb5dc$0$3754@news.voyager.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> But its been awhile.  I now know I will be in recovery forever from PTSD, > Bipolar Disorder, Alc & Drug addictions due to traumas’ sustained over a 35 > year period. My story is rock solid fact and fully diagnosed after 10 yrs of > analysis by a great variety of "pro" degreed mental health experts. > (Unfortunatedly BP’ers function so well that it often takes absolute tragedy > to bring us down to reality, as in my case my recent near death and the > recent death of my 17 year long best friend in unrelated events) > First I was victimized by persons at home and in my community, then I > finished myself off with 20 years of self torture.  I now have some closure > and painfully clear insight into the human anatomy and psyche. I now sort of > wish i didn’t learn and recover so deeply.  I rehabed, and live in content > rural semi-isolation.  It is a paradoxical burden( whopper BP > sensitivity/IQ) I live with daily, but I would never go back to my previous > life and I am learning so much about how to give to others who seem > hopelessly lost in their traumatized souls. > I currently befriended a local functioning schizophrenic outcast (mid-40s, > I’m late 30’s) who has proven in one year he is not the person the public > imagines or treats him as.  He is free of psychosis most days of the year > and knows when to seek pro help. He has taught me volumes about people and > living/accepting my wildly variable mental condition, in just a few months. > No matter the degree or circumstances to which any of you have been hurt, I > am a living proof there is a higher power and that the worst can live > improved and moral lives. > Sincere Love and Hope to all who have the courage to seek fellowship in this > newsgroup.    TRW

Response:

Hi Kitty, thanks for replying.  I was born in 1961, male, off/on employed in electronics field for 20 yrs. Been in Dual-diag. treatmt for 12 yrs and my granfather used the Baptist religion to recover from alcoholism/BP and proceeded to shame/enrage/alienate our whole family. The emotional damage was heavy. Recovery is the main word now for me, and I don’t know how I survived this long except to blame?/credit? my higher power, which seems to change from time to time.  I try not to take all the relig/spirit stuff too literally. Good luck. lok for ya on the NG.  Tom  <pzr***6…@tninet.se> wrote in message

news:8cmmbf$ln4$2@cubacola.tninet.se… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi Squirly, > Yesterday was a weird day. Experienced mood swings to the > extreme. Spent most of it trying to clean this dump I call a > home. Hate cleaning house since it always brings back > memories of my a-mom, what she use to say, do, etc. The > phrase "Higher Powers" being in charge, and thru that living > a improved and "moral" life, just made her come back to > life. But that’s my problem, and nothing anyone else should > have to tiptoe around. > Seriously I think just about anything would have set me off > yesterday. Normally when I read the Ng. I sit back for > awhile and try to "digest" what is written, and not take > something out of context and jump on it. I do have a "higher > power" in my life as well, it just that I don’t see her as > someone that’s "in charge". I’m in charge, with full > responsibilities for my actions, but when I need help I do > ask for it. > Between the years of 4 and 14, I was raised in an > "old-fashioned" Seventh Day Adventist home. a-parents where > in their mid 50ies in the beginning of the 1960ies, when > they got me. One of the rules they lived by was: Never to > spare the rod. Think I was already to stubborn to be > brainwashed, but it was a constant fight. But yes the > whippings and threats, always included the fact that it was > their god that had told them to do it… Grew up with > Fire and Brimstone on one side, and a "mean" old man with a > beard on the other side. Chose none of them. I know it is > not like this for everyone, and I am truly happy for those > that have been able to find their strength thru > Christianity, or whatever path they have chosen for > themselves. > From an early age I’ve always only had myself to look out > for "me". I would not allow myself to trust anyone. I still > live by that rule. Refuse to become dependent on anyone for > anything. Be it human or "god". Am afraid that if I would > become dependent of someone. I wouldn’t be able to get > back on my feet again, if and when that person left, when > things got/get rough. For me, trusting someone means > being dependent. Know it’s not like this for everyone, > but that’s what the word means to me. > I’m glad that you feel that you have help in your daily > life, and have found a resource of strength you can draw > from. > Sorry for pouncing on what you wrote yesterday. > Kitty > For a valid e-mail address, remove the *** > squirly <trw…@excite.com> skrev i > diskussionsgruppsmeddelandet:38ee9424$0$3…@news.voyager.ne > t… > > Hi kitty. sounds like "higher power" set you off.  Were > you brain washed or > > relig. abused?  Higher power is just a spiritual concept > that has helped > > billions of people through the ages. If faith is bad then > all there is is > > yourself.  Feels so small but I often wonder if there is > anything else but > > just our imaginations.  Hang in

Response:

Hi Kitty! I learned initially about my Higher Power from a conservative offshoot of the Dutch Reform Church; in therapy I learned that the regular Dutch Reform Church is considered a cult in some circles. The easiest way for me to reformulate my concept (which I _had_ to do to survive) was by listening to folks struggle with this in 12 Step meetings.  One of my favorite 12 Steppers is an atheist  She explained to many folks how the concept of Higher Power being the ‘room’ or grass or a teakettle works for atheists. I’ve since decided that no one and no thing really wants to see me (or anyone else) suffer.  Some of my on-going shame revolves around my long-term inability to realize that my initial training about a ‘fire and brimstone’ Higher Power was wrong _for me_. :/ My body still reacts strongly to my initial HP training.  Even this morning I had one of these complete physical reactions so badly that I’m going to bed after I post this.  Letting go of this body reaction is sometimes a full-time job. :/ > Errr… As for my shorts… They’re "holier" than I after > being a part of me for 40 yrs. this Monday. Probably why > I’ve got what’s left of them in a knot right now… *sigh*

Happy Birthday!!!  That’s wonderful … less than half of your life has taught you so many good lessons. Smile and there will be something to smile about! (Days like today I have to hunt really hard to find that something.) Nancy

Response:

<ki…@cris.com> skrev i diskussionsgruppsmeddelandet:8clb7c$…@journal.concentric.n et… Hi Nancy! <snip> > I’ve since decided that no one and no thing really wants

to see me (or anyone > else) suffer.  Some of my on-going shame revolves around

my long-term inability > to realize that my initial training about a ‘fire and

brimstone’ Higher Power > was wrong _for me_. :/

I agree with you 110%. It is my belief that the fire and brimstone Higher Power is wrong for everyone, if that’s the only thing that keeps them "in line", and on the straight and narrow. Following a god shouldn’t involve: If you don’t do things "my way", you’ll burn. Yes, of course it’s a free choice, but who in their right mind wants to burn? Leaves you very little choice. Seriously don’t believe my a-mom will end up in her heaven, think she’s in for a big surprise and a warm one to put it mildly. (That is of course if what she believed in is true) > My body still reacts strongly to my initial HP training. Even this morning I > had one of these complete physical reactions so badly that I’m going to bed > after I post this.  Letting go of this body reaction is

sometimes a full-time > job. :/

I’m sorry if I caused you to feel this way. Not my intention, I also react to the extreme when something brings back memories that have not yet healed. > > Errr… As for my shorts… They’re "holier" than I after > > being a part of me for 40 yrs. this Monday. Probably why > > I’ve got what’s left of them in a knot right now… *sigh* > Happy Birthday!!!  That’s wonderful … less than half of

your life has taught > you so many good lessons.

*LOL* Not so sure most of them are all that "good". But Hey! I’ve survived so far, and I still feel as if I can kick some butt for the next 40 years as well. So I guess it can’t be all that bad. Take care Kitty For a valid e-mail address, remove the *** > Smile and there will be something to smile about! (Days

like today I have to – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> hunt really hard to find that something.) > Nancy

Response:

Hi Squirly, Yesterday was a weird day. Experienced mood swings to the extreme. Spent most of it trying to clean this dump I call a home. Hate cleaning house since it always brings back memories of my a-mom, what she use to say, do, etc. The phrase "Higher Powers" being in charge, and thru that living a improved and "moral" life, just made her come back to life. But that’s my problem, and nothing anyone else should have to tiptoe around. Seriously I think just about anything would have set me off yesterday. Normally when I read the Ng. I sit back for awhile and try to "digest" what is written, and not take something out of context and jump on it. I do have a "higher power" in my life as well, it just that I don’t see her as someone that’s "in charge". I’m in charge, with full responsibilities for my actions, but when I need help I do ask for it. Between the years of 4 and 14, I was raised in an "old-fashioned" Seventh Day Adventist home. a-parents where in their mid 50ies in the beginning of the 1960ies, when they got me. One of the rules they lived by was: Never to spare the rod. Think I was already to stubborn to be brainwashed, but it was a constant fight. But yes the whippings and threats, always included the fact that it was their god that had told them to do it… Grew up with Fire and Brimstone on one side, and a "mean" old man with a beard on the other side. Chose none of them. I know it is not like this for everyone, and I am truly happy for those that have been able to find their strength thru Christianity, or whatever path they have chosen for themselves. From an early age I’ve always only had myself to look out for "me". I would not allow myself to trust anyone. I still live by that rule. Refuse to become dependent on anyone for anything. Be it human or "god". Am afraid that if I would become dependent of someone. I wouldn’t be able to get back on my feet again, if and when that person left, when things got/get rough. For me, trusting someone means being dependent. Know it’s not like this for everyone, but that’s what the word means to me. I’m glad that you feel that you have help in your daily life, and have found a resource of strength you can draw from. Sorry for pouncing on what you wrote yesterday. Kitty For a valid e-mail address, remove the *** squirly <trw…@excite.com> skrev i diskussionsgruppsmeddelandet:38ee9424$0$3…@news.voyager.ne t… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi kitty. sounds like "higher power" set you off.  Were you brain washed or > relig. abused?  Higher power is just a spiritual concept that has helped > billions of people through the ages. If faith is bad then all there is is > yourself.  Feels so small but I often wonder if there is anything else but > just our imaginations.  Hang in

Response:

Hi Kitty! > > My body still reacts strongly to my initial HP training. > Even this morning I > > had one of these complete physical reactions so badly that > I’m going to bed > > after I post this.  Letting go of this body reaction is > sometimes a full-time > > job. :/ > I’m sorry if I caused you to feel this way. Not my > intention, I also react to the extreme when something brings > back memories that have not yet healed.

Sorry I wasn’t more clear.  The reaction had nothing to do with this ng … it is the result of ‘real life’. I now have signs posted by the telephones that read:     "If you are going to talk to me in that tone of voice, I am going to have to hang up.      I am going to hang up now." Seems like a simple enough thing to master … isn’t easy to master when  I’ve habitually chosen, apparently, to dissociate rather than deal with the stress. :/  Silly story:  In order to post this, I had to walk over to the phone to find out what the signs say.  I guess I learned the basic in my college days: where to look up the answer. Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy

Response:

Hi kitty. sounds like "higher power" set you off.  Were you brain washed or relig. abused?  Higher power is just a spiritual concept that has helped billions of people through the ages. If faith is bad then all there is is yourself.  Feels so small but I often wonder if there is anything else but just our imaginations.  Hang in "TRW" <trw…@excite.com> wrote in message

news:38edb5dc$0$3754@news.voyager.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> But its been awhile.  I now know I will be in recovery forever from PTSD, > Bipolar Disorder, Alc & Drug addictions due to traumas’ sustained over a 35 > year period. My story is rock solid fact and fully diagnosed after 10 yrs of > analysis by a great variety of "pro" degreed mental health experts. > (Unfortunatedly BP’ers function so well that it often takes absolute tragedy > to bring us down to reality, as in my case my recent near death and the > recent death of my 17 year long best friend in unrelated events) > First I was victimized by persons at home and in my community, then I > finished myself off with 20 years of self torture.  I now have some closure > and painfully clear insight into the human anatomy and psyche. I now sort of > wish i didn’t learn and recover so deeply.  I rehabed, and live in content > rural semi-isolation.  It is a paradoxical burden( whopper BP > sensitivity/IQ) I live with daily, but I would never go back to my previous > life and I am learning so much about how to give to others who seem > hopelessly lost in their traumatized souls. > I currently befriended a local functioning schizophrenic outcast (mid-40s, > I’m late 30’s) who has proven in one year he is not the person the public > imagines or treats him as.  He is free of psychosis most days of the year > and knows when to seek pro help. He has taught me volumes about people and > living/accepting my wildly variable mental condition, in just a few months. > No matter the degree or circumstances to which any of you have been hurt, I > am a living proof there is a higher power and that the worst can live > improved and moral lives. > Sincere Love and Hope to all who have the courage to seek fellowship in this > newsgroup.    TRW

Response:

But its been awhile.  I now know I will be in recovery forever from PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, Alc & Drug addictions due to traumas’ sustained over a 35 year period. My story is rock solid fact and fully diagnosed after 10 yrs of analysis by a great variety of "pro" degreed mental health experts. (Unfortunatedly BP’ers function so well that it often takes absolute tragedy to bring us down to reality, as in my case my recent near death and the recent death of my 17 year long best friend in unrelated events) First I was victimized by persons at home and in my community, then I finished myself off with 20 years of self torture.  I now have some closure and painfully clear insight into the human anatomy and psyche. I now sort of wish i didn’t learn and recover so deeply.  I rehabed, and live in content rural semi-isolation.  It is a paradoxical burden( whopper BP sensitivity/IQ) I live with daily, but I would never go back to my previous life and I am learning so much about how to give to others who seem hopelessly lost in their traumatized souls. I currently befriended a local functioning schizophrenic outcast (mid-40s, I’m late 30’s) who has proven in one year he is not the person the public imagines or treats him as.  He is free of psychosis most days of the year and knows when to seek pro help. He has taught me volumes about people and living/accepting my wildly variable mental condition, in just a few months. No matter the degree or circumstances to which any of you have been hurt, I am a living proof there is a higher power and that the worst can live improved and moral lives. Sincere Love and Hope to all who have the courage to seek fellowship in this newsgroup.    TRW

Response:

Yep! the higher power in my life is ME, MYSELF and MY ability to make the decisions on what *I* want to do, and further more be in charge when it comes to how *I* can live reasonably comfortable, during what’s left of the rest of *my* life… Sorry if I’m interpreting you wrong when it comes to the "higher power" in your life, but the so called "higher powers" that some people will follow to their death, without even getting the notion to question, and then telling others that their life would be so damn rosy if they just believed what they themselves believe….. really bites my shorts! Kitty TRW <trw…@excite.com> skrev i diskussionsgruppsmeddelandet:38edb5dc$0$3…@news.voyager.ne t… > But its been awhile.  I now know I will be in recovery forever from PTSD, > Bipolar Disorder, Alc & Drug addictions due to traumas’ sustained over a 35 > year period. My story is rock solid fact and fully

diagnosed after 10 yrs of > analysis by a great variety of "pro" degreed mental health experts. > (Unfortunatedly BP’ers function so well that it often

takes absolute tragedy > to bring us down to reality, as in my case my recent near death and the > recent death of my 17 year long best friend in unrelated events) > First I was victimized by persons at home and in my community, then I > finished myself off with 20 years of self torture.  I now have some closure > and painfully clear insight into the human anatomy and

psyche. I now sort of – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> wish i didn’t learn and recover so deeply.  I rehabed, and live in content > rural semi-isolation.  It is a paradoxical burden( whopper BP > sensitivity/IQ) I live with daily, but I would never go back to my previous > life and I am learning so much about how to give to others who seem > hopelessly lost in their traumatized souls. > I currently befriended a local functioning schizophrenic outcast (mid-40s, > I’m late 30’s) who has proven in one year he is not the person the public > imagines or treats him as.  He is free of psychosis most days of the year > and knows when to seek pro help. He has taught me volumes about people and > living/accepting my wildly variable mental condition, in just a few months. > No matter the degree or circumstances to which any of you have been hurt, I > am a living proof there is a higher power and that the worst can live > improved and moral lives. > Sincere Love and Hope to all who have the courage to seek fellowship in this > newsgroup.    TRW

Response:

Hi TRW! Welcome again (?) Thank you for your message of hope. Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy

Response:

Hi Kitty! > Yep! the higher power in my life is ME, MYSELF and MY > ability to make the decisions on what *I* want to do, and > further more be in charge when it comes to how *I* can live > reasonably comfortable, during what’s left of the rest of > *my* life.

I am sorry that you are in such pain. > Sorry if I’m interpreting you wrong when it comes to the > "higher power" in your life, but the so called "higher > powers" that some people will follow to their death, without > even getting the notion to question, and then telling others > that their life would be so damn rosy if they just believed > what they themselves believe….. really bites my shorts!

Not trusting the instincts given me by my Higher Power resulted in my total emotional collapse.  I finally had to decide that if it were ‘my way or the highway’ in the future, I’d better get off the boat of life.  (Sorry for the mexed metaphors) Letting go and trusting others is very difficult … I think that the inability to ‘let go and let God’ is one of the symptoms of ptsd that can be used for diagnosis positively.  This inability is phrased differently, but the intent seems to be the same. My therapist reminded us in group this week that originally psychology meant ‘the study of the soul’.  Then, when the scientific method became the measure of ‘real study’, psychology got into the numbers game too. A big part of this ng is telling folks new to recovery where those of us who have been traveling the same road for a longer time period have been and what has helped make the road easier. YMMV, of course.  I hope that your shorts recover, too Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy

Response:

We’ve all got our "higher powers" regardless of what we call them. Glad that you have found something that keeps you going, and that you feel you can get strength from. Just wish that "something" hadn’t been constantly crammed down my windpipe, accompanied by the whip during my childhood years. Telling me that I was going to burn in hell… Kind of got use to that idea. Rather be there and roast over the Christian devils barbecue for eternity, than be reunited and have to spend even one day in their heaven with my a-mom. Errr… As for my shorts… They’re "holier" than I after being a part of me for 40 yrs. this Monday. Probably why I’ve got what’s left of them in a knot right now… *sigh* Kitty For a valid e-mail address, remove the *** <ki…@cris.com> skrev i diskussionsgruppsmeddelandet:8ckmju$…@chronicle.concentric .net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi Kitty! > > Yep! the higher power in my life is ME, MYSELF and MY > > ability to make the decisions on what *I* want to do, and > > further more be in charge when it comes to how *I* can live > > reasonably comfortable, during what’s left of the rest of > > *my* life. > I am sorry that you are in such pain. > > Sorry if I’m interpreting you wrong when it comes to the > > "higher power" in your life, but the so called "higher > > powers" that some people will follow to their death, without > > even getting the notion to question, and then telling others > > that their life would be so damn rosy if they just believed > > what they themselves believe….. really bites my shorts! > Not trusting the instincts given me by my Higher Power

resulted in my total > emotional collapse.  I finally had to decide that if it were ‘my way or the > highway’ in the future, I’d better get off the boat of

life.  (Sorry for the > mexed metaphors) > Letting go and trusting others is very difficult … I

think that the inability > to ‘let go and let God’ is one of the symptoms of ptsd

that can be used for > diagnosis positively.  This inability is phrased

differently, but the intent > seems to be the same. > My therapist reminded us in group this week that

originally psychology meant > ‘the study of the soul’.  Then, when the scientific method

became the measure of > ‘real study’, psychology got into the numbers game too. > A big part of this ng is telling folks new to recovery

where those of us who – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> have been traveling the same road for a longer time period have been and what > has helped make the road easier. > YMMV, of course.  I hope that your shorts recover, too > Smile and there will be something to smile about! > Nancy

Response:

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