Question:
Yeah, let it go "right thru you". Don’t hold his abusive words in. In one ear, out the other. mmmm. Maybe, when he starts to do stuff like that to you again, you can "off-balance" him by yawning or even (if you can muster up the gross-ness) picking your nose. The last suggestion came from one of my girlfriends who gave me similar advice in how to deal with my husband’s nasty comments. Of course, I wimped out and couldn’t do either the "yawning" or the nose-picking. Yeck! Bet the goofy images brought a smile to your face, though…..:) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi Deborah. Hang in there and continue to build your strength. Strong women are the cornerstone of our society, and are deserving of a lot of respect. You can do it. Leave his crap to him as best you can. If he becomes violent, do not hesitate to apply every resource you have at your disposal to keep him away from you, and if necessary, the kids too. Remember– you do not have to fight. Meet his attacks with zero energy. Step aside (mentally and spiritually) and let his force pass you by. Let him expend his energy without depleting your own. This isn’t coming out quite like I’d like it to. The idea that I’m trying to convey is that if you use your energy to move in a positive direction, and allow him no influence on your state of mind (as difficult as that sounds, it is possible) his crap loses its steam. It will have less and less effect on you and the kids. Best of luck! :-)) I’ll keep you and the kids in my prayers. — Tom Two times and it has rendered me, Punch drunk and without bail, Think I’d be safer all alone. <S. Weiland I need help from people that remember my situation.I cannot explain it now, because it is too painful.Last night while my kids were talking to their dad, he brought up again how angry he is with me. Please try to be understanding as this is the first time I have gotten really personal with this group.Please don’t tell me that he is going to change.It would mean a lot to me to have your support in addition to my family’s and friend’s.Just knowing that you are thinking of me will be very comforting. deborahtx
Response:
Yup, been there. It is extemely hard to let go but once you do it is very liberating. It is all about getting the power back. It sounds flaky, I know, but once you take that power back that the other has taken, you will ahve the strength to deal with whatever crap comes along. I just found out my s2bxh has been seeing someone else (he vehemently denied it) and yes it hit me hard but I didn’t stay down as long, by the next day I was ok again. Lori – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Wow, drat, I understood what you were talking about when you said not to expend energy fighting the spouse. To let it go if you can. This sounds just lke what I am learning to do right now. It does take time for this, but boy is it ever worth it when it comes. I feel like it is a sense of power in me, of confidence I only recently achieved, ya know? Not Only God, but something he gives me to let those hateful words and spite of the ex just slip by me like the wind. It has been wonderul!!!
Response:
Wow, drat, I understood what you were talking about when you said not to expend energy fighting the spouse. To let it go if you can. This sounds just lke what I am learning to do right now. It does take time for this, but boy is it ever worth it when it comes. I feel like it is a sense of power in me, of confidence I only recently achieved, ya know? Not Only God, but something he gives me to let those hateful words and spite of the ex just slip by me like the wind. It has been wonderul!!!
Response:
Dear Bildo, Thanks for taking the time to write me. Your support and everyone else that has responded has helped me a great deal. I hope to help you out some day too. Thanks again, Deborah. Hi Deborah. I don’t remember the ages of your kids, but they have apparently showed that they have feelings too and their father might as well get used to it. As long as you let the kids know you love them, they’ll only have contempt for their father as long as he acts out the way he does. Step back and look at who is doing what wrong. Fix what you can. That’s all any one parent can do. Good luck. Bildo
deborahtx
Response:
Hi Deborah. I don’t remember the ages of your kids, but they have apparently showed that they have feelings too and their father might as well get used to it. As long as you let the kids know you love them, they’ll only have contempt for their father as long as he acts out the way he does. Step back and look at who is doing what wrong. Fix what you can. That’s all any one parent can do. Good luck. Bildo
Response:
Deborah, It sounds like the kids are also very strong. They will always love their daddy, just like all kids do. I think it is crucial to let them love him. I try my hardest never to badmouth my ex. I do slip up with the occasional rolling of the eyes & such, but my kids know how he is, I do not have to keep repeating it. I agree with what someone else said in here once: The kids know it took two to make them, and they get confused when the other spouse is badmouthed. Especially younger children, it can give them the idea that something is wrong with them too. You hang in there Deborah, truth will conquer. At least this is what I believe. Maybe one day your ex will learn about such things and not make these mistakes with them. I always hope that mine will see them one day as his precious treasures and realize what he has been missing out on. (My ex takes them to school every morning. And I am grateful for this, it really helps me and the kids! I just wish he would help them feel comfortable in his home and allow them to spend time there-for the kid’s sake, not mine-.) Wll be thinkin bout ya, and hoping for ya!!!
Response:
Hang in there hon!! Evidentally your children have had q uite enough of your ex bad mouthing their mother and it is their right to stand up for what they believe in. You should admire them for doing that. Hopefully he’ll get the hint and see what he is doing to his own children. Please let us know how the kids are when they come home. Mine comes home from visitation today as well and I’m just praying he’s not sick again! Daisy
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I need help from people that remember my situation.I cannot explain it now, because it is too painful.Last night while my kids were talking to their dad, he brought up again how angry he is with me. He again is telling the kids, "your mother is an xx. Your mother’s brain is all messed up. It is her fault I have the restraining order.It is her fault everything is messed up." Last night they spoke up to him(I am so happy that they are finally able to do that) and totally disagreed with him.They stood up for themselves and told him over and over to stop, and that they were not going to talk if he was going to continue bad-mouthing me.Obviously, the conversation didn’t last very long.In spite of all that, they did go to their regular visitation today. They were both quite anxious about going, knowing how angry their father is. I am terrified right now, worried about how angry he is.I don’t think he’ll take it out on the kids. He may have lots to say about me to them, but hopefully that’ll be it.I am picking the kids up with someone else, which will be a tremendous help to me.The stronger I am, the better the kids will be. I know he’ll never understand that this is hurting the kids. That is one thing that has been very hard to swallow.I am hanging in, knowing that this will pass, just like all of the other horrible incidents that did pass.I continue to be a strong woman and mother, and have been fortunate that over the past 3 1/2 years to have given my children a home base that is safe, loving and forgiving. They are also learning how to show their anger in safe ways. Unfortunately for me, my PTSD sticks its head in every once in a while. It is the pits when that happens. Please try to be understanding as this is the first time I have gotten really personal with this group.Please don’t tell me that he is going to change.It would mean a lot to me to have your support in addition to my family’s and friend’s.Just knowing that you are thinking of me will be very comforting. deborahtx
Response:
Hi Deborah. Hang in there and continue to build your strength. Strong women are the cornerstone of our society, and are deserving of a lot of respect. You can do it. Leave his crap to him as best you can. If he becomes violent, do not hesitate to apply every resource you have at your disposal to keep him away from you, and if necessary, the kids too. Remember– you do not have to fight. Meet his attacks with zero energy. Step aside (mentally and spiritually) and let his force pass you by. Let him expend his energy without depleting your own. This isn’t coming out quite like I’d like it to. The idea that I’m trying to convey is that if you use your energy to move in a positive direction, and allow him no influence on your state of mind (as difficult as that sounds, it is possible) his crap loses its steam. It will have less and less effect on you and the kids. Best of luck! :-)) I’ll keep you and the kids in my prayers. — Tom Two times and it has rendered me, Punch drunk and without bail, Think I’d be safer all alone. <S. Weiland
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I need help from people that remember my situation.I cannot explain it now, because it is too painful.Last night while my kids were talking to their dad, he brought up again how angry he is with me. Please try to be understanding as this is the first time I have gotten really personal with this group.Please don’t tell me that he is going to change.It would mean a lot to me to have your support in addition to my family’s and friend’s.Just knowing that you are thinking of me will be very comforting. deborahtx
Response:
Deborah, First and foremost, keep taking steps to make sure you are safe. Your PTSD is not a self induced psychosis you are curing. It is a realistic reaction to what you have experienced. The way your kids are handling things is a sign that your return to health is spreading to them. For all of you to learn to survive comfortably with your ex and stay safe, you will have done all you can do to promote contact. If he acn’t fulfill his part of the "contract", then he alone will be responsible for losing the priviledge of interaction. When a person has a problem with boundaries, it unfortunately becomes everyone’s problem. The best response is to make your personal limits and defenses as strong as they need to be and let his behavior be what it will be. Joel I need help from people that remember my situation.I cannot explain it now, because it is too painful.Last night while my kids were talking to their dad, he brought up again how angry he is with me. He again is telling the kids, "your mother is an xx. Your mother’s brain is all messed up. It is her fault I have the restraining order.It is her
fault everything is messed up." Last night they spoke up to him(I am so happy that they are finally able to do that) and totally disagreed with him.They stood up for themselves and told him over and over to stop, and that they were not going to talk if he was going to continue bad-mouthing me.Obviously, the conversation didn’t last very long.In spite of all that, they did go to their regular visitation today. They were both quite anxious about going, knowing how angry their
father is. I am terrified right now, worried about how angry he is.I don’t think he’ll take it out on the kids. He may have lots to say about me to them, but hopefully that’ll be it.I am picking the kids up with someone else, which will be a tremendous help to me.The stronger I am, the better the kids will be. I know he’ll never understand that this is hurting the kids. That is one thing that has been very hard to swallow.I am
hanging in, knowing that this will pass, just like all of the other horrible incidents that did pass.I continue to be a strong woman and mother, and have been fortunate that over the past 3 1/2 years to have given my children a home base that is safe, loving and forgiving. They are also learning how to show their anger in safe ways. Unfortunately for me, my PTSD sticks its head in every once in a while. It is the pits when that happens. Please try to be understanding as this is the first time I have gotten really personal with this group.Please don’t tell me that he is going to change.It would mean a lot to me to have your support in addition to my family’s and friend’s.Just knowing that you are thinking of me will be very comforting. deborahtx
Own
Response:
-I need help from people that remember my situation.I cannot explain it -now, because it is too painful. Here’s some advice from a very wise woman: It is really tough at the beginning stages of either the separation or divorce. You will survive, even though it feels like you won’t right now. Get as much support as you can from family and friends. And, post whatever you want to this group. You’ll get lots of advice. Just take the advice that you feel most comfortable. Try to hang in there. I’ve "been there, done that, felt that." Do you remember posting that? You will get passed this point just hang in there. -Last night while my kids were talking -to their dad, he brought up again how angry he is with me. He again -is telling the kids, "your mother is an xx. Your mother’s brain is all -messed up. It is her fault I have the restraining order.It is her fault -everything is messed up." Last night they spoke up to him(I am so happy -that they are finally able to do that) and totally -disagreed with him.They stood up for themselves and told him over and -over to stop, and that they were not going to talk if he was going to -continue bad-mouthing me. It sounds like your children, like you, are learning and growing. I know a couple who split up. The man treated the children about like your ex is treating your children with regard to the badmouthing. At first they were hurt and confused, but as they grew up and watched who their mother was and who their father was, that confusion was replaced by some anger and resentment. He robbed those children of part of their childhood by forcing them into the middle of his problems with his ex. Those children never forgot that. My ex took off with my small son and I didn’t see him again until he was 19. He’s almost 30 now, but he’s never completely forgiven him for doing that. He feels that his father robbed him. From what I’ve seen time and time again the parent that tried to turn the child against the other parent loses – even when the other parent is really no good. Children are a lot sharper than a lot of people think. -Obviously, the conversation didn’t last very -long.In spite of all that, they did go to their regular visitation today. -They were both quite anxious about going, knowing how angry their father -is. I am terrified right now, worried about how angry he is.I don’t think -he’ll take it out on the kids. He may have lots to say about me to them, -but hopefully that’ll be it.I am picking the kids up with someone else, -which will be a tremendous help to me. Do what you need to keep safe. -The stronger I am, the better the -kids will be. I know he’ll never understand that this is hurting the -kids. That is one thing that has been very hard to swallow. And that’s something you can’t change. There’s nothing you can do to change what he’s doing to them, BUT you do have partial control over the impact it has on your children. The very best you can do is to love them and give them the support they need to learn, grow, and survive. -I am hanging -in, knowing that this will pass, just like all of the other horrible -incidents that did pass.I continue to be a strong woman and mother, and -have been fortunate that over the past 3 1/2 years to have given my -children a home base that is safe, loving and forgiving. They are also -learning how to show their anger in safe ways. That’s a lesson that will serve them well their entire lives. It’s like you are building the foundation for them and someday they will build the rest. -Unfortunately for me, -my PTSD sticks its head in every once in a while. It is the pits when -that happens. I don’t think you’ll ever walk 100% free of that. Occasionally, probably when you least expect it, something will trigger a reaction. But with a lot of intense work and some time for healing I was able to finally have a life where the PTSD is almost nonexistent. Tonight on a television show there was a scene that reminded me of a series of bizarre flashbacks I had one night almost 20 years ago. But the pain that caused the flashback was resolved long ago. So it was just a bizarre memory. -Please try to be understanding as this is the first time I have gotten -really personal with this group.Please don’t tell me that he is going -to change. It doesn’t matter if he changes. You MUST do what you have to to survive and for your children to survive. Take one step at a time and keep going. -It would mean a lot to me to have your support in addition -to my family’s and friend’s.Just knowing that you are thinking of me -will be very comforting. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers and I’m sure many others here on ASD. HANG IN THERE! Victoria Lee
Response:
ms. D, i would b the last one to try and tell u ‘he will change’, im a firm believer no one changes. its how we deal w/it that counts. my horror story and how i knew i could handle her behavior. my son (10) came up and told me he had ‘lots of daddies’. i almost snapped and told him what i thought of his mothers moral bankruptcy. instead i took a deep breath and explained he will only have one daddy in his life time and that he may have other men he calls dad and that do think alot of him, there will only be one daddy. not really like me, i usually say exactly what i think but for once in my life i thought of someones feelings other than my own before my mouth fell open. apparantly your kids have got to the point of blowing off his comments = good thing. theyre learning how the breads buttered. your ex probably doesnt even realize the kids wont forget any of this. these memories will be in – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I need help from people that remember my situation.I cannot explain it now, because it is too painful.Last night while my kids were talking to their dad, he brought up again how angry he is with me. He again is telling the kids, "your mother is an xx. Your mother’s brain is all messed up. It is her fault I have the restraining order.It is her fault everything is messed up." Last night they spoke up to him(I am so happy that they are finally able to do that) and totally disagreed with him.They stood up for themselves and told him over and over to stop, and that they were not going to talk if he was going to continue bad-mouthing me.Obviously, the conversation didn’t last very long.In spite of all that, they did go to their regular visitation today. They were both quite anxious about going, knowing how angry their father is. I am terrified right now, worried about how angry he is.I don’t think he’ll take it out on the kids. He may have lots to say about me to them, but hopefully that’ll be it.I am picking the kids up with someone else, which will be a tremendous help to me.The stronger I am, the better the kids will be. I know he’ll never understand that this is hurting the kids. That is one thing that has been very hard to swallow.I am hanging in, knowing that this will pass, just like all of the other horrible incidents that did pass.I continue to be a strong woman and mother, and have been fortunate that over the past 3 1/2 years to have given my children a home base that is safe, loving and forgiving. They are also learning how to show their anger in safe ways. Unfortunately for me, my PTSD sticks its head in every once in a while. It is the pits when that happens. Please try to be understanding as this is the first time I have gotten really personal with this group.Please don’t tell me that he is going to change.It would mean a lot to me to have your support in addition to my family’s and friend’s.Just knowing that you are thinking of me will be very comforting. deborahtx
Response:
hi Deborah, i’m thinking about you and yours and you are all in my prayers:) know you have a friend here in me, when ever you need me, i’m sending a Texas size hug to you and yours:) your friend Augie:) You have to dance like no one’s watching ~And Love like it’s never going to hurt~ ~Live All Your Life, All Your Life Long~
Response:
I need help from people that remember my situation.I cannot explain it now, because it is too painful.Last night while my kids were talking to their dad, he brought up again how angry he is with me. He again is telling the kids, "your mother is an xx. Your mother’s brain is all messed up. It is her fault I have the restraining order.It is her fault everything is messed up." Last night they spoke up to him(I am so happy that they are finally able to do that) and totally disagreed with him.They stood up for themselves and told him over and over to stop, and that they were not going to talk if he was going to continue bad-mouthing me.Obviously, the conversation didn’t last very long.In spite of all that, they did go to their regular visitation today. They were both quite anxious about going, knowing how angry their father is. I am terrified right now, worried about how angry he is.I don’t think he’ll take it out on the kids. He may have lots to say about me to them, but hopefully that’ll be it.I am picking the kids up with someone else, which will be a tremendous help to me.The stronger I am, the better the kids will be. I know he’ll never understand that this is hurting the kids. That is one thing that has been very hard to swallow.I am hanging in, knowing that this will pass, just like all of the other horrible incidents that did pass.I continue to be a strong woman and mother, and have been fortunate that over the past 3 1/2 years to have given my children a home base that is safe, loving and forgiving. They are also learning how to show their anger in safe ways. Unfortunately for me, my PTSD sticks its head in every once in a while. It is the pits when that happens. Please try to be understanding as this is the first time I have gotten really personal with this group.Please don’t tell me that he is going to change.It would mean a lot to me to have your support in addition to my family’s and friend’s.Just knowing that you are thinking of me will be very comforting. deborahtx
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