Question:
My mental health is at stake and I feel i have worked too long and > hard in therapy to backstep now.
It’s hard to set boundaries, but you have to take care of yourself FIRST, then everything else comes second. > Anyhow I was wondering if anyone else could relate to family of origin problems > and the sickness???
You’re not alone. My family is in such denial it’s pathetic. And when I started finally started talking about the abuse, the response from my mom (my real father took pictures of an assault on me with bruises up and down the insides of my thighs and you know where else, I was 2 1/2), "well, you got what you deserved, you always did prefer men from the time you could walk and there was nothing I could do to stop you from being that way." I finally got tired of her emotional abuse and cut all ties this last December. My mental health has been shaky enough as it is, I don’t need to deal with her hatred and pettiness toward me when it’s all I can do to hang on some days. You’re absolutely right, you cannot heal them, you cannot fix them, it is not something that we can control, another person’s behavior. The only thing we can do is to try to modify it (like someone said) by walking out of the room. And if that doesn’t stop the behavior, then go from there. If she loves you and respects you, she will stop. I can remeber this time last year when one of them would > call I would be right there in the middle of it. Not today.
Good for you!!!!!! > Thanks guys, you all have been so nice and I feel bad dumping like this, but i > do feel somewhat better. Guess just knowing you all know where I have been and > know what its like.
It’s not dumping, you just needed to let some steam off. We all need that sometimes. I hate weird days (I have them too). : ( Hope you feel better soon. kath
Response:
Rudolph, Sorry–I couldn’t reply to your post sooner, some of your stuff triggered my stuff (yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk). It made me cry, hysterically, to read what your family did to you and what they were like. I am so sorry for what you went through. Maybe you can’t cry for you (?), but I cried for you. I just wanted you to know that. I cried for that little boy who lived a nightmare existence. I was so glad he survived and became you. You are such a joy to have at this site, your humor, your insites, keeps us going and laughing. Thank you for that. I can only hope that you have something that keeps YOU going. I pray for that. And I hope too for the day when you are able to find peace. I hope that for everyone here, (self included). peace, kath – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> sounds a lot like my own family – not happy unless they’re miserable, I > have cut ties actually they aren’t worth the trouble > my mom always used to say to me ‘why can’t you be more like your cousin > bob?’ > only thing is cousin bob died at birth > my family moved a lot too > but I found them again every time > on my sixteenth birthday my dad surprised me with a car > lucky for me I saw him coming and dived out of the way > one time he brought home a ten piece bucket of chicken > later I put the bones together – it wasn’t chicken! it was the cat! > my mom used to stuff me with candy > so she could rent me out as a pinata! > yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk!
Response:
Jeannie wrote: > Anyhow I was wondering if anyone else could relate to family of origin problems > and the sickness??? I can remeber this time last year when one of them would > call I would be right there in the middle of it. Not today.
Jeannie, this is just plain old boundary work. Everyone, including g-ma needs to vent but when it starts to take it’s toll on you, you need to set a clear line of what is acceptable. There are plenty of ways to get that message to her without getting into an argument, or having really harsh feelings. Remember, being passive in those situation doesn’t help. Set your limits and then walk away if she won’t comply.
Response:
>My mental health is at stake and I feel i have worked too long and >hard in therapy to backstep now. >Anyhow I was wondering if anyone else could relate to family of origin >problems >and the sickness???
I absolutely can and I know what you mean about how you "used to be in the middle of it" and the difference now. Remember this, you’ve worked hard to establish your rights (boundaries, limits, whichever word fits you best). Those rights include freedom from being dragged into something you don’t want to be in. It is so hard to set limits with family members that either have no clue as to how to behave or they just plain feel that they are more important than your boundaries. Been there done that so I can say this =/ Yes, my family of origin was sick and that’s how PTSD developed in both me and my sister. I don’t believe any contact with my abuser/father will occur, but I did reach a place with my mother where I UNDERSTOOD and that understanding translated into forgiveness. I STILL have to tell her how to act (she’s been borderline diagnosed and tries hard to deal with it). It is still up to me, repeatedly if necessary, to assert what is okay and not okay. I used to have anxiety attacks about doing this with her but no longer. I have developed my "no" muscle and my limits with her. I am honest with her and loving, sometimes she gets pissed and doesn’t like it but that’s something that she has to accept when she’s treading on my boundaries. Kind of long and rambly but you really struck a chord in your question. For the first time ever I’m dealing with things about abuser/father that have never been released from my subconscious. It is a scary hole to look into and I fear if I reach into it that I will be swallowed by it. I’ve also come to the sad realization that I DO want something from him that he will never give. His acceptance. As children we NEED it and I didn’t get it from either parent. It angers me that I even feel the need for anything from him (gives him power in a way I don’t like) but I think its a process of healing from his abuse (acknowledging to myself that there’s a little girl inside that still wants her dad to love and accept her.) So that’s me right now…in therapy 2x a week and dealing with some nitty gritty stuff. Best to you Jeannie…you have the muscles right? Use them and be grateful that you have grown in ways the other family members have not. Its something to be proud of: your strength. Kristine The unexamined life is not worth living – Socrates
Response:
Hi Jeannie! . > Anyways, I called my therapist today just to talk it over and he said I made a > good choice when I told my g-ma I dont mind going over to help her this week > end, but I can not listen to any more of "she done this and she said that" > bullshit. My mental health is at stake and I feel i have worked too long and > hard in therapy to backstep now.
Amen! But, beware … everyone will be uncomfortable as you refuse to play the family game of ’share my pain’. And, in my experience, I was the ‘bad guy’ because I started choosing to not be present rather than take the ‘garbage’ of changeback messages as they ganged up on me. > I can remeber this time last year when one of them would > call I would be right there in the middle of it. Not today.
What a difference a year can make! Congratulations! Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi everyone, > I just needed to say that since I talked with my g-ma last night, I have bben > triggered and feeling strange. This mornign I got up for school and literally > got sick at my stomach. > She was telling me all the very sick crap that has been going on with her and > my mother and my step dad and I swear it is awful. What makes it worse, is I > know I cant fix them (thought I could for a looong time) and just to see them > doing what they are doing to themselves. > I also know my mom has full blown ptsd and she is just surviving any way she > can. Reminds me of how i used to do. > Anyways, I called my therapist today just to talk it over and he said I made a > good choice when I told my g-ma I dont mind going over to help her this week > end, but I can not listen to any more of "she done this and she said that" > bullshit. My mental health is at stake and I feel i have worked too long and > hard in therapy to backstep now. > Anyhow I was wondering if anyone else could relate to family of origin problems > and the sickness??? I can remeber this time last year when one of them would > call I would be right there in the middle of it. Not today. > Thanks guys, you all have been so nice and I feel bad dumping like this, but i > do feel somewhat better. Guess just knowing you all know where I have been and > know what its like.
sounds a lot like my own family – not happy unless they’re miserable, I have cut ties actually they aren’t worth the trouble my mom always used to say to me ‘why can’t you be more like your cousin bob?’ only thing is cousin bob died at birth my family moved a lot too but I found them again every time on my sixteenth birthday my dad surprised me with a car lucky for me I saw him coming and dived out of the way one time he brought home a ten piece bucket of chicken later I put the bones together – it wasn’t chicken! it was the cat! my mom used to stuff me with candy so she could rent me out as a pinata! yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk!
Response:
Hi everyone, I just needed to say that since I talked with my g-ma last night, I have bben triggered and feeling strange. This mornign I got up for school and literally got sick at my stomach. She was telling me all the very sick crap that has been going on with her and my mother and my step dad and I swear it is awful. What makes it worse, is I know I cant fix them (thought I could for a looong time) and just to see them doing what they are doing to themselves. I also know my mom has full blown ptsd and she is just surviving any way she can. Reminds me of how i used to do. Anyways, I called my therapist today just to talk it over and he said I made a good choice when I told my g-ma I dont mind going over to help her this week end, but I can not listen to any more of "she done this and she said that" bullshit. My mental health is at stake and I feel i have worked too long and hard in therapy to backstep now. Anyhow I was wondering if anyone else could relate to family of origin problems and the sickness??? I can remeber this time last year when one of them would call I would be right there in the middle of it. Not today. Thanks guys, you all have been so nice and I feel bad dumping like this, but i do feel somewhat better. Guess just knowing you all know where I have been and know what its like.
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