Question:
nope, same person. and FYI, that was my first post to a newsgroup, I didn’t realize, until it was too late, to get my real name off there, and put in a nick name… depression and fears are 2 different things… you may as well call what i have a phobia, IRRATIONAL fear, i’ve tried the advice i gave Dave with my fear and my depression, it worked for depression, and not the fear. it can’t be reasoned with with mere change in attitide. it takes alot more, or I wouldn’t have posted my message asking for help. Also, whats wrong with giving out advice? you don’t know me so don’t judge me, its much easier for me to help others than it is to help myself. I can see things clearly with others… complete darkness with myself.
Response:
Actually, I felt like i owed that much to you, for making you feel that way, and plus, i don’t want anymore confusions, or misunderstadings. One is enough. Thank you for the compliment , and accepting the "forgive and forget" deal. I would like to be friends with you, you sound like a good person i could get along with well (despite previous events) 
Response:
ok, heres my case,(its a long one) i’m having extreme guilt and fear of sex for 2 (known) reasons, reason #1 I grew up in a family where sex was punished and thought of as bad or dirty, and definitly wrong, reason #2 is that I was raped at 14. I can’t seem to accept the fact that theres nothing wrong with sex, I still think of it as I was "programmed" to think of it, mainly because of the guilt I feel.I have a wonderful boyfriend thats trying to help me, and hes understanding and patient, but when he tells me that I turn him on or that hes touching himself thinking of me(and it being meant more as a compliment, than a sex invite) I compleltely freak out. it makes me think hes bad or dirty person because he thinks of sex… and in logic, i know thats wrong, hes the complete opposite. But i guess it must be a subconcious drive that causes me to think that.Even I think of it myself -from a "normal" person point of view- at times… I didn’t tell him until recently how I felt about him saying that, and he was very understanding about it. I don’t feel at all normal, and I don’t have a clue as to how to get rid of it. Can anyone help me?
Response:
Hi Celtic, I have been there…losing my virginity to a very brutal rape at the age of 16…and also having no healthy expression of sexuality to rely on growing up…but things are different for me now…but it took a while…just don’t give up hope. And BTW you are a ‘normal ‘ person…something that was not normal happened to you…this does not mean you are not ‘normal’. You don’t say how old you are…but I would venture to say that you are still pretty young and need some support to process some of this trauma I don’t think anyone is really grown-up when it comes to trauma (at least not me and I am 42). I am glad to see you reaching out…please feel free to write me if you want some support from a veteran rape survivor.
Response:
Posted and e-mailed. I’ll start at the end and work my way back and hope to make sense. ======="Celtic16" wrote: >I don’t feel at all normal, and I don’t have a clue as to how to >get rid of it. Can anyone help me?
Are you in therapy? If not, seek out an experienced competent therapist and a psychiatrist (if the therapist isn’t one). You’ll need the psychi- atrist because he/she is an MD specialializing in psychiatric medication. Depression/PTSD or whatever you want to call it is a physical reaction as much or more than simply an emotional problem. > I have a wonderful boyfriend thats trying to help me, and he’s > understanding and patient, but when he tells me that I turn him on or > that he’s touching himself thinking of me (and it being meant more as > a compliment, than a sex invite) I compleltely freak out. it makes me > think he’s bad or dirty person because he thinks of sex… and in logic, i > know thats wrong, he’s the complete opposite.
Telling you he’s masturbating or "touching himself" while he’s thinking of you would terrify any one with your history/sensitivity. > I didn’t tell him until recently how I felt about him saying that, > and he was very understanding about it.
I’m proud of you for summoning up the courage to tell him how you feel. Believe it or not that is a BIG step toward your recovery. You are to be CONGRATULATED for speaking up, it’s often easier to suffer and not let on. But you are worth it. Keep talking, girlfriend! ><<<<snip>>>>I grew up in a family where sex was punished and thought of as > bad or dirty, and definitly wrong,
Sex was NEVER talked about in my house, even though I was being molested by family members. I won’t get into my beliefs but in the right setting and at the right time sex is a beautiful gift God gave humankind. reason #2 is > that I was raped at 14.
I’ll say this so your 14 yr, old (and all other rape victims) can hear it: YOU WERE NOT AT FAULT! YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! YOU WERE NOT AT FAULT! YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! YOU WERE NOT AT FAULT! YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! YOU WERE NOT AT FAULT! YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! YOU WERE NOT AT FAULT! YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! YOU WERE NOT AT FAULT! YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! > I can’t seem to accept the fact that theres nothing wrong with sex, > I still think of it as I was "programmed" to think of it, > mainly because of the guilt I feel.
To a great degree you were, that’s why therapy is so important. When we go through a trauma like rape, or war, or other abuse, part of us stays locked in that time, unable to process it out. At fourteen I’m sure you did not have all the maturity to handle and talk about the incident. But now it comes out when your body thinks you can handle and you are caught off guard. > But i guess it must be a subconcious drive that causes me to think > that. Even I think of it myself -from a "normal" person point of > view- at times…
You ARE a normal person! What was abnormal was what happened to you and your limited ways to then vent your feelings, whatever they were. So now you need to find a good trained professional to listen to all the things that 14 year old and others have to let out. There’s a saying that no one but an abuse survivor understands how much another survivor needs to talk, needs to be listened to and accepted. I had a good friend say, after my first year of therapy, "Aren’t you over that yet?". They just don’t get it…healing is a long winding road with ups and downs and even some plateaus along the way to take a time out to rest. Good luck in finding a therapist…don’t stay with someone you don’t feel comfortable/safe with. Remember, you are paying the bill! One last thought, maybe after you’ve been seeing your therapist for awhile you may reach a point where this "wonderful boyfriend that’s… understanding and patient" may join you for an occasional session to learn how he can be more of a support to you and understand more about what you are going through. Hope this helps. — Remove server indentification from text when replying to posts. Using only the User’s "name" will reduce the risk of "junk" e-mail being sent to them by those who skim the groups looking for "addresses to mail their junk to.
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