Question:
Helski wrote: <<Hi Kristine, I am at a very similar place as you. Too upset
ashamed to admit it to my friends well anyone really.I realise now I am depressed.>> I have a hard time with that too. I have a hard time telling hubby just HOW bad it really is. Hard to tell therapist that too. But I do. I know it scares hubby and he worries, but I have to be honest with him about what’s going on inside. As I wrote that I thought about Andrea Yates…sadly, if she had let her husband know and he had done something….well, we know the little ones might have had a chance =( Kristine
Response:
Nancy, your reply was great…thanks. Yeah, I’m seeing a great therapist but haven’t found a good psychiatrist in the last 2 years since I moved here! It is so ridiculous it borders on insanity, I kid you not. Something about Phoenix and shitty psychiatrists, I don’t know. You wrote: <<<But … when I got home, my body was a wreck. I couldn’t sit or
stand without pain, especially in the shoulders and neck and upper back.>> Boy do I know that one. The emotional strain takes such a toll on my body. Its strange lately for me…my pain hasn’t been increased at all. I am so numb with this depression that there really isn’t a physiological response that puts me in a tough pain spot. I can be thankful for that. As far as "tools" and such…I have literally had about 3,500 "life points" dumped on me in the past month or so – I do believe anyone would be struggling with depression, let alone me, someone who has had it throughout my life. (By life points I am referring to the stress points for life events, i.e. mom sick=750 stress points; moving=500 stress points, etc.) Kristine
Response:
Hi Kris! > Boy do I know that one. The emotional strain takes such a toll on my body. Its > strange lately for me…my pain hasn’t been increased at all. I am so numb > with this depression that there really isn’t a physiological response that puts > me in a tough pain spot. I can be thankful for that.
Been there; done that. The numbness helps me get through to the other side. It serves as a warning to me that I need help. Actually, I only notice the numbness when my self-winding watch starts to lose time … seems I forget to move the arm. ??? I once spent several months blaming the watch. The jeweler kept trying to fix the watch, but couldn’t find anything that was wrong with it. He finally suggested that I must be taking it off at night. That was before my PTSD diagnosis. 
> As far as "tools" and such…I have literally had about 3,500 "life points" > dumped on me in the past month or so – I do believe anyone would be struggling > with depression, let alone me, someone who has had it throughout my life. (By > life points I am referring to the stress points for life events, i.e. mom > sick=750 stress points; moving=500 stress points, etc.)
Well, then I can only suggest that you do all the sos (same old stuff = aromatherapy, long baths, walking in nature, meditation, light exercise, comfort stuff). I’ve harvested some hostas and then it got too cold again, so I am back hanging shelves in the garage with its concrete block walls. I seem to get one shelf up for every four hours of contemplation. But, each shelf is a little triumph in my life! One more shelf tomorrow morning, I hope! You don’t need to struggle, at least I don’t. I just work on accepting my limitations and doing the best I can given my situation. Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
Hi td! > Have you been getting the ‘funnies’ I send your way?? I’m not sure if I’ve > got your new address right or not, just thought I’d check. I figure if we > all feel like shit, at least we can laugh once in awhile anyway.
Yes, and I thank you! Why haven’t you checked in at ICQ lately? :) Now that I’m on a cable modem I am becoming a web terror. :/ Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
Hi Kris! One of the things I like about the news is that when there isn’t anything horrible locally, they find something far away. I try to calculate just how far afield they have gone in their effort to find me some ‘news’ sometimes … it makes me feel good when they cannot find something horrible locally. > As I wrote that I thought about Andrea Yates
Thank goodness, she is over 1,000 miles away from me! …sadly, if she had let her > husband know and he had done something….well, we know the little ones might > have had a chance =(
If he hadn’t gotten her pregnant the last two times, everyone might have had a chance. I have little empathy for men who abandon their wives emotionally when their wives are in crisis. My husband did that to me when he knew that I’d been diagnosed with a nervous condition, and I’ve paid for it the last 25 years. YMMV Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
Nancy >Sorry, helski, but I don’t have a clue as to
whether your view of the moon is the same in the Sourthern Hemisphere Yup full moon ablazing down here tonight!!! helski
Response:
Helski, write to me, all the crap. Hey, I had a dream about us last night, honest to god, no lie. If you want to hear what it was you gotta dump a load on me first! It was a pretty good one too…….with a man involved. Shall do hon…I want to know about the dream!!! helski
Response:
tiny, >Guess what? I too feel like warmed over shit. Depressed doesn’t even do it >justice.
Mine’s been from physical problems, but I haven’t been out of the house in days. I’m ready to kill someone. I’ve been eyeing the television as a good first target. I only get 3 channels and 2 of them don’t come in clearly at night. My house is getting loaded down with trash and recycling. I can’t see the kitchen counter for all the empty water bottles that need to be taken out. I’ve been joking that I have a drinking problem, but it’s really not a joke. On the up side, I got some sewing done that should have been finished in November. My kitties have never been brushed so much. I helped connect a lonely person with a cat who needed a person to love. I’ve made big inroads on my clothing altering project. (Losing weight is great until the clothing altering becomes a necessity.) >I haven’t been able to >read in ages,
Can you get books on tape from your library? Do you have a walkwoman or tape player? (I’ll share mine, if not. I never use it.) >Okay, guess I’ve spread enough joy here for one night.
Aw, shucks, you were just getting started . . . Risa "I read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?"
Response:
Nancy, >Actually, I only notice the >numbness when my self-winding watch starts to lose time … seems I forget >to move the arm. ???
Attach one (and only one) beater to your hand mixer. Fasten your watch securely to the beater. Mix on low for 2-3 minutes per day until you pass the numbness point and are swinging your arms again. (I’m serious. I used to do this with one of my watches that didn’t self-wind very well. I would have to have Parkinson’s pretty badly in order for it to stay wound.) Risa "I read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?"
Response:
Hi Risa! > Attach one (and only one) beater to your hand mixer. Fasten your watch securely > to the beater. Mix on low for 2-3 minutes per day until you pass the numbness > point and are swinging your arms again. > (I’m serious. I used to do this with one of my watches that didn’t self-wind > very well. I would have to have Parkinson’s pretty badly in order for it to > stay wound.)
You may be serious, but that’s my first (I hope there are more) belly laugh of the day! Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
Hi Kris, > Yeah, I’m seeing a great therapist but >haven’t found a good psychiatrist in the last 2 years since I moved here!
Same boat, 2000 miles away. >As far as "tools" and such…I have literally had about 3,500 "life points" >dumped on me in the past month or so
I hear that. Nothing major just all the little ones that accumulate. Getting the SSDI/SSI straight, insurance company’s, friends and family who still think if only I did this or that I’d be fine and their suggestions bite. I dunno, had some real bad people reactions lately. Seriously would like to go a few weeks without having to deal with anyone just to see how I’m doing. I’m fine when I’m alone dammit! The people around me just suck, don’t have a clue how to be supportive, just demanding. People aversion grows. Shannon
Response:
> I try to calculate just how >far afield they have gone in their effort to find me some ‘news’ sometimes >… it makes me feel good when they cannot find something horrible locally.
I get the news channels out of Detroit, nuff said. Without cable I’d be eyeing the tv like Risa.
Response:
Hi guys! I ahve only posted a few times. Hope it is okay to jump in here. Saw one therapist this morning. He can’t seem to understand why I "keep blaming myself". Don’t know how to explain it to him. Supposed to see the PTSD specialist on Tues. for the first official visit. Have been depressed all week. Go figure. Really enjoy reading your post and love the support you give each other. Want t o share my story, but don’t want to upset or bother any of you. I’m just a stranger, and don’t want to be in the way. Depression sucks. I liked what Nancy said about hanging one shelf every 4 hours. Have been home from therapist for nearly 1 hour and can’t decide if I should dust the shelves in the kitchen or make the bed. Still contemplating the pros and cons of each. Why is everything so overwhelming and how do you explain it to someone who’s never been here? My husband has been great, but I know it drives him around the bend when I can’t remember what I did all day and he can’t see anything that could have taken that long. Thanks for listening and letting me in LucyF
Response:
>The people around me just suck, don’t have a >clue how to be supportive, just demanding.
I take that back. The people around me tend to ignore the ptsd and over encourage and push. "Let’s do this, You should do that" Have you tried this", etc. It sucks at times.
Response:
Hi Shannon! > >The people around me just suck, don’t have a > >clue how to be supportive, just demanding. > I take that back. > The people around me tend to ignore the ptsd and over encourage and push. > "Let’s do this, You should do that" Have you tried this", etc. > It sucks at times.
Either way you are describing ‘change back messages’. Once we start to change and heal, those around us have to change a bit themselves. IME most of the folks around me in the past preferred to try to get me to change back to ‘before’ rather than do some work on themselves. In many cases I couldn’t change back and they wouldn’t adjust their vision of me, so we ended up outside each other’s space. It’s rather like going to AA or Al-Anon, once you get the program, you expect to find new friends and are told that you will probably lose the old ones who refuse to change with you. :/ Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
>In many cases I couldn’t change back and they wouldn’t adjust their vision >of me, so we ended up outside each other’s space.
I’m trying to find a compromise without alienating the whole relationship. It’s work.
Response:
Hi there, > > >The people around me just suck, don’t have a > > >clue how to be supportive, just demanding.
I live this in technicolor. I used to be the one to "fix" everything and make everything work for everyone else, and now that I’ve pulled back and established (hopefully) healthy limits, they are not happy and keep demanding that I be what I used to be. > Either way you are describing ‘change back messages’. Once we start to > change and heal, those around us have to change a bit themselves. IME most > of the folks around me in the past preferred to try to get me to change back > to ‘before’ rather than do some work on themselves. > In many cases I couldn’t change back and they wouldn’t adjust their vision > of me, so we ended up outside each other’s space.
That’s what is happening in my situation, too. And I agree, they won’t take a look at themselves nor adjust their vision of me – easier to be angry at me. > It’s rather like going to AA or Al-Anon, once you get the program, you > expect to find new friends and are told that you will probably lose the old > ones who refuse to change with you.
I wore myself out trying to educate them and work through it with them, but sadly they don’t have any interest in that. I am getting better at accepting that they probably won’t, ever. Hannah
Response:
Shannon, > I’m trying to find a compromise without alienating the whole relationship. > It’s work.
Good luck, I hope it works out for you the way you want it to.
Response:
Thanks Kat! God I had a good weekend. I haven’t said that in a long time, hope that’s a sign. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Shannon, >> I’m trying to find a compromise without alienating the whole relationship. >> It’s work. >Good luck, I hope it works out for you the way you want it to.
Response:
Hi guys, Guess what? I too feel like warmed over shit. Depressed doesn’t even do it justice. Can’t put my finger on why either. Kris, I haven’t been able to read in ages, for me that’s like cutting both my arms off or something. Reading is what I did for me………haven’t even been listening to music much. Only when I’m in the shower. Hi Nancy, I’m happy for you getting approved, hang in there through the rest. Helski, write to me, all the crap. Hey, I had a dream about us last night, honest to god, no lie. If you want to hear what it was you gotta dump a load on me first! It was a pretty good one too…….with a man involved. Okay, guess I’ve spread enough joy here for one night. td
Response:
Hi folks! > Guess what? I too feel like warmed over shit. Depressed doesn’t even do it > justice. Can’t put my finger on why either.
Well, I just looked up the phases of the moon and no surprise: there’s a full moon in OH tonight! Sorry, helski, but I don’t have a clue as to whether your view of the moon is the same in the Sourthern Hemisphere. Queer (as in strange) things happen during full moons IME. Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
"kipco" <ki…@cox.net> wrote in message
news:IE3y8.17502$mk6.626002@news2.east.cox.net… > Hi folks! > > Guess what? I too feel like warmed over shit. Depressed doesn’t even do > it > > justice. Can’t put my finger on why either. > Well, I just looked up the phases of the moon and no surprise: there’s a > full moon in OH tonight! Sorry, helski, but I don’t have a clue as to > whether your view of the moon is the same in the Sourthern Hemisphere. > Queer (as in strange) things happen during full moons IME. > Smile and there will be something to smile about! > Nancy
Hi Nancy, Have you been getting the ‘funnies’ I send your way?? I’m not sure if I’ve got your new address right or not, just thought I’d check. I figure if we all feel like shit, at least we can laugh once in awhile anyway. td
Response:
Nancy wrote: << I think that this may be exactly what PTSD is … the
inability to just ‘get over it’.>> You’re right on target Nancy and this is just what I bemoan about myself as I spiral into yet another deep depression pit that seems to be an inevitable experience in my life over and over again. Who WANTS to be depressed?? Who WANTS to feel useless??? Who WANTS to struggle for strength to do the bare minimum??? Phhht. Not me, but here I am, doing just those things. It comes right back down to what you said and this is what is always running in my head: WHY CAN’T I JUST GET OVER IT. I guess that’s why Matsakis’ book appealled to me so much when I first heard of it. It helped. Maybe I need to just re-read it, but I can’t read a damn thing. That’s a shitty place for me to be in. Thanks for the sentence Nancy. At least SOMEONE got something out of this group! ME. kristine
Response:
Hi Kristine, I am at a very similar place as you. Too upset ashamed to admit it to my friends well anyone really.I realise now I am depressed. Before anyone jumps in and says I should be ashamed…I know I shouldn’t. Can’t stop the awkward feeling of being hopeless …too hopeless to cope with "everyday" stuff. Gotta go back to work next week…argghh!! So yes good definition Nancy. Yes shitty place to be in Kristine. helski
Response:
Hi Kris! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Nancy wrote: << I think that this may be exactly what PTSD is … the > inability to just ‘get over it’.>> > You’re right on target Nancy and this is just what I bemoan about myself as I > spiral into yet another deep depression pit that seems to be an inevitable > experience in my life over and over again. > Who WANTS to be depressed?? Who WANTS to feel useless??? Who WANTS to struggle > for strength to do the bare minimum??? Phhht. Not me, but here I am, doing > just those things. > It comes right back down to what you said and this is what is always running in > my head: WHY CAN’T I JUST GET OVER IT. I guess that’s why Matsakis’ book > appealled to me so much when I first heard of it. It helped. Maybe I need to > just re-read it, but I can’t read a damn thing. That’s a shitty place for me > to be in.
For me, they ‘why’ is very simple: I have PTSD. My memory is failing me (something new? NOT) but I thought that you were under professional care. If so, then you (and I) now have some resources so that we can handle our symptoms of ‘not getting over it’ much better. For example: Last year I finally applied for SSD. On Wednesday I had a hearing in front of a judge to determine if I were really insured by the SSA so that I could qualify for SSD. (I cannot qualify for SSDI and would not want to either). The judge was two elevator rides plus waiting in a closed room with no air flow to speak about and no windows. My symptoms of being trapped were loose full bore. I got through the hearing by choosing to change my persona and let the symptoms hang out for all to see; I even told my attorney that if they objected to my having my water with me (big sign said NO EATING OR DRINKING IN THIS AREA) the powers that be could pound sand; I needed the water due to my medications. My lawyer prevailed and I am now eligible to qualify for SSD … I just have to get past the medical evaluations. But … when I got home, my body was a wreck. I couldn’t sit or stand without pain, especially in the shoulders and neck and upper back. I spent time talking to my ‘good neighbors’, trying to ‘come down’. Didn’t work. Then I slept for 15 hours, still no relief. My body is so tense and my muscles so sore that it hurts to move. :/ Then, I went to the dentist. When he asked me how I was, I said ‘emotionally labile’; I don’t know where that phrase came from but it is accurate. When it took an extra shot of novocain because the painkiller went up instead of down (??), he wasn’t surprised either. So, I called my therapist and I have her first opening … next Tuesday. It has been almost 4 weeks since I’ve seen her; the two professionals and I have been working on getting me into case management for over 2 years. I’m still not there. :/ But, I now know that this symptom is a choice. I can choose to keep it, or to use my support circle to erase it from my current circumstances. Sometimes it is difficult to remember that there are several ways to get past a symptom. I need to always keep searching for a different way; I’ve painted myself into too many corners in the past. :/ YMMV Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
If you like this post and would like to receive updates from this blog, please subscribe our feed.