Question:
Hi td, You are right. There is hope. There were so many years when I did not believe that. Now I do. : ) Amazing, isn’t it? The best to you, too! Anne on the prairie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> When I think back to >some years ago, I can’t believe how far I’ve come. Every once in awhile, I >still have to ‘be sick’ again, new feelings have arisen, new memories >surfaced, etc. But they are less intense, they last a shorter time, I’m >able to recover easier, quicker, whatever. There is hope in the future. :) >best, >td
Response:
Dear Jane, Thank you for your letter. Thank you for welcoming me. Living with PTSD and working toward recovery has meant that I continue to learn and accept what is healthiest for me and pursue that as a visual artist, as a musician, as a woman.. Working with a team of trusted doctors and therapists has made all the difference in my life as an artist with PTSD. The DID part of my diagnosis also benefits from this. I agree that the aesthetic of energy present in both the "empty" spaces in music or visual art and the more easily identified sounds and visual representations is wonderful and full of revelation I see the energy as representative of those parts of myself as well as those parts found in the art form that are absolutely there but are not necessarily visible to others. I wish you well with your performances as well as with your recovery, Jane. In so many anonymous meetings I hear over and over just how grateful people are for a slow recovery. I sure am! Peace wishes always, Anne on the prairie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->seems that reaction to being in >moment was affected too somehow. discovery of "musician" part helped. thrp >thinks might be host but not sure. finally enables to once in a while get >out of bed and practice. teen alter that presents to world has >performances coming up that are very important. solo performances that she >forced herself to pursue with help of thrps encouragement. lot of fear as >it is jane who is creativity, a one year old and she is vulnerable then. >very vulnerable. jane is one who experienced trauma and with her alter >friend with no name made teenager and maybe made "musician" too. they are >major performances with well known people in world and fear is >overwhelming. practicing requires being in moment as it is dull and >repetitive but doing too much which is "perfection" part causes body to >hurt causing physical harm. balance of this is hard to do as we get >discouraged and just want to give up. now have committments and can’t. >trouble ahead and hope thrp can get us through this. this is other reason >why we use anon mail. exposure of fragmentation could destroy a career >that has been avoided all my life and now am attempting to do. people are >afraid of fragmented and ptsd selves. >not necessary to ’sing in tune’. ’in tune’ is western concept and has no >meaning outside of western culture. think of microtones, the notes between >the notes u were taught and of the silences that really create the music. >that may also apply to inner selves singing. what is "wrong" is not >necessarily so and what is unsung is as important as what is sung (or >played as case may be). anyway that is how we think. >do not do meds but occasional self med that is slowly lessening. trying. >cannot afford them anyway as i am on disability and they do not pay for >them. teen only uses them to od on anyway so they are not good. in past >tried but none worked unless taken in excess and then like dead person and >none of us wanted to be like that while with the living. >thank you for wishes of peace >jane
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> With the PTSD, I find that the simple things I do each day to stay in the > present moment as much as is possible are what bring me peace at times and at > least greater awareness the rest of the time. And I mean really simple, like > taking a good shower and eating healthy food and noticing the sky…things > like > that. When my PTSD is in full bloom and totally out of control, I seem to > have > very little involement with the present moment. Instead, I just relive over > and over the terrifying half memories and the terrifying clear memories. By > learning to be conscious of what I am actually doing in "real" time I can > breathe, and swallow, and feel on a much different level, a more healthy level > for me. > Take care, > Anne on the prairie
I’ve found this to be my most effective healing/coping strategy to stay in the present – things like noticing the sky or enjoying a good cup of coffee or watching a bird hop from tree to tree. The "smaller" I can make my focus, the better able I am to keep the flashbacks from taking over and taking me back to another place in time. Hannah
Response:
Dear Kat, You are not alone. Thank you for your courage and for sharing the part of healing invovling letting some details surface… Once, a year ago or so, someone here suggested that I was getting stronger with the release of resurfacing memories and thoughts… That brought me comfort at a very difficult and vulnerable time. Again, you are not alone. you are healing in your own way, in your own time… Take care, Kat. Anne on the prairie
Response:
Thank you for that wonderful image, Kat! I always had cats until moving to the prairie… When I know that my stepson who takes drugs, steals, and hurts animals will no longer be allowed free access to the home I share with my husband, I will bring animals back into my life. My plan this year is to leave the instant he enters my home. I may end up leaving permanently if I keep feeling threatened by even the possibility of his returning. My trip to NYC this week includes two fishing expeditions for jobs. The image you have of me with a comfy cat curled up on my lap, purring to the rhythm of "there’s no place like home" is a gift I’ll always treasure. Thanks, Kat! Take good care, Anne on the prairie
Response:
Dear Jane, Thank you for your trigger warning/Spoiler and for sharing your writing with this ng. Writing has always been a huge part of my recovery process and still is. My shattered self started to integrate and speak through creative word phrasing in ways I could never speak "conversationally" Curiously, it was in asking questions of my deeper, wiser self that the voices that needed to be heard first spoke. (A very interesting and deeply moving experience for me). This may sound very strange to someone who hasn’t experienced childhood abuse or torture. To me, what you wrote was an act of strength. Someone else from this ng suggested that my new chunks of surfacing memories were the sign that my body was ready to process them. That helped immensely at the time she shared that insight with me and still helps me now. Take very good care, Jane. Anne on the Prairie
Response:
"Anneks89" <annek…@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20031212121754.12262.00000906@mb-m05.aol.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Dear Jane, > Thank you for your trigger warning/Spoiler and for sharing your writing with > this ng. > Writing has always been a huge part of my recovery process and still is. My > shattered self started to integrate and speak through creative word phrasing in > ways I could never speak "conversationally" > Curiously, it was in asking questions of my deeper, wiser self that the voices > that needed to be heard first spoke. (A very interesting and deeply moving > experience for me). > This may sound very strange to someone who hasn’t experienced childhood abuse > or torture. To me, what you wrote was an act of strength. Someone else from > this ng suggested that my new chunks of surfacing memories were the sign that > my body was ready to process them. That helped immensely at the time she > shared that insight with me and still helps me now. > Take very good care, Jane. > Anne on the Prairie
Hi Annie, You are so right, my therapist always says "when I’m ready to handle it, the stuff will surface." I used to refer to it as ‘verbal vomit’ sometimes, as that’s how it felt to me. Like I was literally throwing up all this horrible stuff from inside me. You know, like when one is physically sick, sometimes we have to throw up a whole bunch of times, but eventually we get all the sickness out and feel better, at least for awhile anyway. Sometimes we get sick again, need to throw up some more, but believe me, eventually that happens less and less often, with less intensity. When I think back to some years ago, I can’t believe how far I’ve come. Every once in awhile, I still have to ‘be sick’ again, new feelings have arisen, new memories surfaced, etc. But they are less intense, they last a shorter time, I’m able to recover easier, quicker, whatever. There is hope in the future. :) best, td
Response:
Hi Jane, Thank you for sharing the wisdom from your therapist about the slow pace of recovery with DID. Mine has gone at its own slow pace with the guidance of an experienced therapist, too. With the PTSD, I find that the simple things I do each day to stay in the present moment as much as is possible are what bring me peace at times and at least greater awareness the rest of the time. And I mean really simple, like taking a good shower and eating healthy food and noticing the sky…things like that. When my PTSD is in full bloom and totally out of control, I seem to have very little involement with the present moment. Instead, I just relive over and over the terrifying half memories and the terrifying clear memories. By learning to be conscious of what I am actually doing in "real" time I can breathe, and swallow, and feel on a much different level, a more healthy level for me. My meds are necessary now, Once, I asked my inner selves to please tell me who saved me and the answers were noisy. Another time I wondered how to end a musical program I was doing and the other selves taught me a different way to do "Amazing Grace". It was funny because they could not sing in tune with each other, but they gave me some great ideas. I wish you peace, Jane. Take care, Anne on the prairie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->thpst believes there is adult (wiser?) self that does some writing but >don’t know who she is. not mothr or mothrs that are needed inside. those >cannot find at least yet. fortunately thpst is real experienced with >trauma and DID and believes in going slow, very slow and not in integration >but just getting them to live together (younger one jane wants to eliminate >the "bad" teenager who is protector). >did not see as act of strength to write but one of just normal thing to do >and was good for thpist to see as jane and many other pieces do not speak >or are not out. older friend of jane, not known yet either helps jane write >stuff. >thank you again >jane >>Dear Jane, >>Thank you for your trigger warning/Spoiler and for sharing your writing with >>this ng. >>Writing has always been a huge part of my recovery process and still is. My >>shattered self started to integrate and speak through creative word phrasing >in >>ways I could never speak "conversationally" >>Curiously, it was in asking questions of my deeper, wiser self that the >voices >>that needed to be heard first spoke. (A very interesting and deeply moving >>experience for me). >>This may sound very strange to someone who hasn’t experienced childhood >abuse >>or torture. To me, what you wrote was an act of strength. Someone else from >>this ng suggested that my new chunks of surfacing memories were the sign >that >>my body was ready to process them. That helped immensely at the time she >>shared that insight with me and still helps me now. >>Take very good care, Jane. >>Anne on the Prairie
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