Trauma – PTSD

Question:

Hi JP! I’m not good about the >>snip<< stuff … I just want to respond to the parts that I’ve included.   > to go to war. But I also know that it is the PTSD, and I’ve gotten good > at sitting still, letting the feelings have their place, and not acting > on them.

Sounds like a minor miracle in your life! Congratulations! > I’m considering handing over my guns to my therapist, and committing > myself until the rage subsides. It’s getting increasingly worse, and I’m > going back to that deep dark hole where I have been many times, where > life no longer matters, as death will make the pain and madness go away. > I have no wish to give my children such a heritage. Except for them, I > would do it, and likely take a few authoritative figures with me.

I like your ironic way of wording this: "take … a few with me". I’ve felt that way more than once.  Unfortunately, this leads to more troubles, not fewer! :/ I believe that one of my jobs as a parent is to ’stop the cycle’ that I inherited unwittingly.  I hope that you can stop the cycle in your family. Smile and there really will be just the slightest smidgeon to smile about! Nancy

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -James P. Mock wrote: > Warning, the following may contain triggers for people who have had to > deal with guns, gunshots, or being threatened with a gun, or by > situations with police officers. If these things trigger you, PLEASE do > not read the below post…… > 10 > 9 > 8 > 7 > 6 > 5 > 4 > 3 > 2 > 1 > For many months now I have several episodes a week where I feel there is > an impending attack coming. Most of the episodes happen when I am home > with my family (wife and two kids, 10 & 8). The feeling is one of > immediate impending threat from outside the house, and death for me or > my family. It’s strong enough that I physically want to sandbag the > doors and windows, get out my guns, and lie in wait. Because of my past > 20 years as a police officer, I don’t lock the doors and windows, I just > sit with a gun and wait. Many times I feel like going into the front > yard and screaming into the sky for whoever or whatever it is to come > on, let’s get it over with, I’m sick and tired of the feelings and ready > to go to war. But I also know that it is the PTSD, and I’ve gotten good > at sitting still, letting the feelings have their place, and not acting > on them. > Over the course of my career there have been some very real threats. I > don’t want to go into details much, but several of these threats were to > be taken seriously, and had to do with a corrupt police chief I worked > for and turned in to the District Attorney’s office for his affiliations > with Colombian drug traffickers. He eventually lost his job, and during > the investigation I was advised to move myself and my family elsewhere, > for our protection. My wife wouldn’t go. > My reaction was to acquire an assault rifle and lots of ammunition, and > take it with me everywhere I went. I had had PTSD from my childhood for > many years at this point, and didn’t know it. I already had PTSD from my > work for over 10 years at that point, and also didn’t know it. It was > like this threat, which was real, started me on a long journey of > extreme paranoia, and preparation for what I truly believed would come > one day, an armed confrontation like a war. > Over time this mellowed a little, until events at work brought it all > back about 6 months ago. It was then, for me, that the feelings came > back full force, and I’ve felt the need to be ready for war. I also > started experiencing uncontrollable rage. > I started buying a variety of weapons, all legal, and quite a bit of > ammunition. I bought a pump shotgun, sawed the barrel off so it was easy > to conceal and would be a very effective closeup weapon. I started > carrying the shotgun in my car (in place of the assault rifle), along > with extra ammunition on a bandolier, and my police raid jacket and > heavyweight flack jacket. I had no intention of attacking anyone, unless > it was the ones I have been waiting for all this time, in which case I > would be acting in an official capacity. > My therapists did not know of the weapons, especially the shotgun in my > trunk. I felt, and still feel, that they are necessary. One therapist > eventually learned that I carried a handgun with me, wherever I went. > This was amazing to her, but to cops, we all pretty much do it. It’s > like carrying a wallet, we feel naked without it. For me it was much > much more. > When the therapist asked me "why?" about the handgun, I told her that > all cops do it, but for me it is different, I REFUSE to be a victim EVER > again. I have a much clearer concept of this now, after so much therapy. > Two months ago I had a panic attack at work. The feelings from a murder > case came back to me, triggered by working around the evidence from the > crime, and many other unsloved murders. First the face of the young girl > came to me, followed by her wounds and my anger at the people who had > done it to her. Then came the faces of all the other murder victims. I > couldn’t make it out of the building quick enough, so found a quiet > place, where the shaking, crying, fear and everything else came. Then, > the rage came. I blacked out and tore up the room, all I remember was > screaming "no more", over and over. No one else was in the room, but I > made so much noise it attracted attention. I remember someone yelling at > me repeatedly, and remember being above myself looking down at my body > and the damage to the room, then moving into my body and the was able to > see through my body’s eyes. > I was extremely upset that this had happened at work. I’d tried real > hard not to have them see my anxiety and panic attacks. It was extremely > embarassing. For them, they thought I had completely gone nuts. They > know nothing of panic attacks and, amazingly enough, PTSD. They wanted > to commit me to a psych hospital as being suicidal and homicidal. > Inbetween my bouts of crying and nausea, I was begging them not to lock > me up, I wasn’t suicidal or homicidal at all, I was in a world of hurt > from the pain I was experiencing from the memories of the murders and > the faces of the victims. > Being a cop, they wanted my guns as they thought I would harm myself. > They took the shotgun out my car, with my permission, but then without > my permission they searched my locker, then went to my home. My wife and > kids were there, and knew nothing of what happened. Several police units > pulled up, and a supervisor and officer asked for my guns. She told them > no, but then they talked her into standing out of the way, and they just > came in and searched my home and took them. > They also wanted my ID, badge, and keys. I felt like I was being > courtmartialed for a panic attack. I gave them the keys, but told them > they’d have to fight me for the badge and ID, I earned them and they > were mine. They let it go, until later, when the Chief gave me a letter > that I had been relieved of duty and police powers while I was out on a > psychological stress absence. > Had they asked me first about my guns at home, and allowed me to come > with them, I’d a given them up. They scared the hell out of my family, > as they told her nothing other than I had had a panic attack and they > were going to commit me to a county hospital psych ward. > Fortunately I talked the supervisors at work into calling my therapist, > and I made arrangements with her to go to a hospital I’ve been to > before. A safe place. I’ve had panic attacks of this intensity before, > and it literally wipes me out with fatigue and strong emotions for > several days afterwards. > I was out 3 days later, and within a week had retrieved my guns, except > the sawed off shotgun, which is illegal here in CA, except when > possessed by a police officer in accordance with their job. I explained > to them why I had sawed it off, the threats, all the background, my > "impending attack" feelings, and showed them the gun was with my > authorized vest and raid jacket. I was assurred by the Chief and all of > his command staff that there would be no follow-up disciplinary action > due to my mental state, which they know also includes being diagnosed > with PTSD. I’m now out on disability as they ruled it work related. But > they would not return the shotgun as the barrel was too short. I > accepted that, and thought it was done. That was about 7 weeks ago. > Crazy enough, they knew and know I still get the "impending attack" > feelings, and gave me back my assault rifle, sniper rifle and > ammunition. > This past week I spent a week in Minnesota with a therapist who > specializes in PTSD. He was with the 101st Airborne in Vietnam, and did > two tours. He still suffers from PTSD, but has mastered many of the > coping skills. He has talked me into storing the weapons until I get > better. > When I returned several days ago, I was tipped off by someone at work > that the Chief and a Captain went back on their word, filed a crime > report naming me as the suspect for the shotgun, and filed a personnel > complaint. I confirmed this with a supervisor, who told me that the > Chief and the Captain did it on their own, without consulting the others > who had also made the earlier decision. The Captain then went on > vacation pending retirement, and is never coming back. She’s the one who > filled out and signed the paperwork. > Yesterday I confronted the Chief on his decision. Long story short, he > lied to me about several things, and said they felt it necessary to > proceed with prosecuting me for having the shotgun, even given all of > the information they had, including that it was with an authorized > police raid jacket and vest. They had no problem with me having the > shotgun, but since I’d cut the barrel down five inches (even though they > initially promised me they wouldn’t do anything because of my mental > state) they were going to take action against me. > I told him I am responsible for cutting off the barrel, and knew it was > unauthorized. I stand ready to take the punishment for it, I am > respeonsible for my actions. I also told him that, unlike him and a > certain Captain, at least I had the balls to tell him to his face, and > not wait until he was out of town and do it behind his back. I also told > him that he is what his word is, and obviously his word is worth > nothing. > I then went to the investigators and told them the entire truth about > the sawed off shotgun. > I know I did wrong with the barrel. But here I sit with my feelings of > betrayal by incompetent authoritative figures who have no ethics, honor > or pride. And here I sit in rage. And I’m still waiting for the attack > on my home. > I’m blowing steam by writing this, and I hope it shows the madness of > PTSD and what trouble it can get it’s victims into. > I’m considering handing over my guns to my therapist, and committing > myself until the rage subsides. It’s getting increasingly worse, and I’m

… read more »

Response:

Warning, the following may contain triggers for people who have had to deal with guns, gunshots, or being threatened with a gun, or by situations with police officers. If these things trigger you, PLEASE do not read the below post…… 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 For many months now I have several episodes a week where I feel there is an impending attack coming. Most of the episodes happen when I am home with my family (wife and two kids, 10 & 8). The feeling is one of immediate impending threat from outside the house, and death for me or my family. It’s strong enough that I physically want to sandbag the doors and windows, get out my guns, and lie in wait. Because of my past 20 years as a police officer, I don’t lock the doors and windows, I just sit with a gun and wait. Many times I feel like going into the front yard and screaming into the sky for whoever or whatever it is to come on, let’s get it over with, I’m sick and tired of the feelings and ready to go to war. But I also know that it is the PTSD, and I’ve gotten good at sitting still, letting the feelings have their place, and not acting on them. Over the course of my career there have been some very real threats. I don’t want to go into details much, but several of these threats were to be taken seriously, and had to do with a corrupt police chief I worked for and turned in to the District Attorney’s office for his affiliations with Colombian drug traffickers. He eventually lost his job, and during the investigation I was advised to move myself and my family elsewhere, for our protection. My wife wouldn’t go. My reaction was to acquire an assault rifle and lots of ammunition, and take it with me everywhere I went. I had had PTSD from my childhood for many years at this point, and didn’t know it. I already had PTSD from my work for over 10 years at that point, and also didn’t know it. It was like this threat, which was real, started me on a long journey of extreme paranoia, and preparation for what I truly believed would come one day, an armed confrontation like a war. Over time this mellowed a little, until events at work brought it all back about 6 months ago. It was then, for me, that the feelings came back full force, and I’ve felt the need to be ready for war. I also started experiencing uncontrollable rage. I started buying a variety of weapons, all legal, and quite a bit of ammunition. I bought a pump shotgun, sawed the barrel off so it was easy to conceal and would be a very effective closeup weapon. I started carrying the shotgun in my car (in place of the assault rifle), along with extra ammunition on a bandolier, and my police raid jacket and heavyweight flack jacket. I had no intention of attacking anyone, unless it was the ones I have been waiting for all this time, in which case I would be acting in an official capacity. My therapists did not know of the weapons, especially the shotgun in my trunk. I felt, and still feel, that they are necessary. One therapist eventually learned that I carried a handgun with me, wherever I went. This was amazing to her, but to cops, we all pretty much do it. It’s like carrying a wallet, we feel naked without it. For me it was much much more. When the therapist asked me "why?" about the handgun, I told her that all cops do it, but for me it is different, I REFUSE to be a victim EVER again. I have a much clearer concept of this now, after so much therapy. Two months ago I had a panic attack at work. The feelings from a murder case came back to me, triggered by working around the evidence from the crime, and many other unsloved murders. First the face of the young girl came to me, followed by her wounds and my anger at the people who had done it to her. Then came the faces of all the other murder victims. I couldn’t make it out of the building quick enough, so found a quiet place, where the shaking, crying, fear and everything else came. Then, the rage came. I blacked out and tore up the room, all I remember was screaming "no more", over and over. No one else was in the room, but I made so much noise it attracted attention. I remember someone yelling at me repeatedly, and remember being above myself looking down at my body and the damage to the room, then moving into my body and the was able to see through my body’s eyes. I was extremely upset that this had happened at work. I’d tried real hard not to have them see my anxiety and panic attacks. It was extremely embarassing. For them, they thought I had completely gone nuts. They know nothing of panic attacks and, amazingly enough, PTSD. They wanted to commit me to a psych hospital as being suicidal and homicidal. Inbetween my bouts of crying and nausea, I was begging them not to lock me up, I wasn’t suicidal or homicidal at all, I was in a world of hurt from the pain I was experiencing from the memories of the murders and the faces of the victims. Being a cop, they wanted my guns as they thought I would harm myself. They took the shotgun out my car, with my permission, but then without my permission they searched my locker, then went to my home. My wife and kids were there, and knew nothing of what happened. Several police units pulled up, and a supervisor and officer asked for my guns. She told them no, but then they talked her into standing out of the way, and they just came in and searched my home and took them. They also wanted my ID, badge, and keys. I felt like I was being courtmartialed for a panic attack. I gave them the keys, but told them they’d have to fight me for the badge and ID, I earned them and they were mine. They let it go, until later, when the Chief gave me a letter that I had been relieved of duty and police powers while I was out on a psychological stress absence. Had they asked me first about my guns at home, and allowed me to come with them, I’d a given them up. They scared the hell out of my family, as they told her nothing other than I had had a panic attack and they were going to commit me to a county hospital psych ward. Fortunately I talked the supervisors at work into calling my therapist, and I made arrangements with her to go to a hospital I’ve been to before. A safe place. I’ve had panic attacks of this intensity before, and it literally wipes me out with fatigue and strong emotions for several days afterwards. I was out 3 days later, and within a week had retrieved my guns, except the sawed off shotgun, which is illegal here in CA, except when possessed by a police officer in accordance with their job. I explained to them why I had sawed it off, the threats, all the background, my "impending attack" feelings, and showed them the gun was with my authorized vest and raid jacket. I was assurred by the Chief and all of his command staff that there would be no follow-up disciplinary action due to my mental state, which they know also includes being diagnosed with PTSD. I’m now out on disability as they ruled it work related. But they would not return the shotgun as the barrel was too short. I accepted that, and thought it was done. That was about 7 weeks ago. Crazy enough, they knew and know I still get the "impending attack" feelings, and gave me back my assault rifle, sniper rifle and ammunition. This past week I spent a week in Minnesota with a therapist who specializes in PTSD. He was with the 101st Airborne in Vietnam, and did two tours. He still suffers from PTSD, but has mastered many of the coping skills. He has talked me into storing the weapons until I get better. When I returned several days ago, I was tipped off by someone at work that the Chief and a Captain went back on their word, filed a crime report naming me as the suspect for the shotgun, and filed a personnel complaint. I confirmed this with a supervisor, who told me that the Chief and the Captain did it on their own, without consulting the others who had also made the earlier decision. The Captain then went on vacation pending retirement, and is never coming back. She’s the one who filled out and signed the paperwork. Yesterday I confronted the Chief on his decision. Long story short, he lied to me about several things, and said they felt it necessary to proceed with prosecuting me for having the shotgun, even given all of the information they had, including that it was with an authorized police raid jacket and vest. They had no problem with me having the shotgun, but since I’d cut the barrel down five inches (even though they initially promised me they wouldn’t do anything because of my mental state) they were going to take action against me. I told him I am responsible for cutting off the barrel, and knew it was unauthorized. I stand ready to take the punishment for it, I am respeonsible for my actions. I also told him that, unlike him and a certain Captain, at least I had the balls to tell him to his face, and not wait until he was out of town and do it behind his back. I also told him that he is what his word is, and obviously his word is worth nothing. I then went to the investigators and told them the entire truth about the sawed off shotgun. I know I did wrong with the barrel. But here I sit with my feelings of betrayal by incompetent authoritative figures who have no ethics, honor or pride. And here I sit in rage. And I’m still waiting for the attack on my home. I’m blowing steam by writing this, and I hope it shows the madness of PTSD and what trouble it can get it’s victims into. I’m considering handing over my guns to my therapist, and committing myself until the rage subsides. It’s getting increasingly worse, and I’m going back to that deep dark hole where I have been many times, where life no longer matters, as death will make the pain and madness go away. I have no wish to give my children such a heritage. Except for them, I would do it, and likely take a few authoritative figures with me. My children are my world, and I have to keep telling myself that I cannot do to them what my mom did to me. She put me in a … read more »

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