Trauma – PTSD

Question:

Hi Hannah! >> Talk about your changeback messages!  Now, they try to come back at >> me via my man-child. > I really feel for your son – my father has talked about me (very > unfavorably) to his siblings, so my aunts and uncles don’t like me > anymore, either. Even if I am learning to create my own family through > friends who accept me for who I am, it’s hard to be ‘cast off’ by your > blood family. > And I don’t have to say how horrible it is that they treat your son > like that – it’s just sad.

Yes, I remember it well when my grandfather announced to one and all on the bus to work that I was too stupid to get a degree in law, and he doubted that I would do all that well in getting my MBA.  Funny thing … I was inducted into an honorary in business school … I didn’t even notice until I started receiving mail from the honorary. His little story was repeated by several people to me.  They said that they wanted me to know how impossible he was … I wonder, tho, if I would repeat such a statement to the object of its derision now that I know sometimes ‘ignorance is bliss’. >> Accepting the fact that by my ‘being myself’ finally, I could not >> relate well to any of them (various reasons for each person) gave me >> one choice: to be authentic and find a family of people who cherish >> me as I am, or continue to be disabled by anxiety and depression. > That’s a great paragraph, thanks, Nancy, you put it really well. I > believe that’s the heart of it, too: to be authentic. It’s taken me a > lot of therapy, too, to have the courage to do so, and my blood family > has reacted with lot of anger. I used to "prop up" the family and take > care of them all, and now that I’ve claimed a life that has (I hope) > healthy boundaries, they accuse me of ruining the family. But to get > back to your point, I do find my anxiety and depression go through the > roof when I am in their company, and I am much more peaceful and > grounded when I am on my own or in the company of my newly-founded > family.

I think that I know that I do not have the power to ‘ruin’ anyone or thing, other than myself.  Certainly, I do not have the power to ruin other people or their families. I think that there is a little too much fear in the world today, and too much hubris for hiding the fear. >> In the meantime, over the last few days, I have spent a lot of time >> being reminded of their (what I consider to be) unfair and unfounded >> judgements about me and my behaviors.  The judgements hurt until I >> remember that these are puny attempts to force me to fit into other >> people’s expectations. > Good that you can see that, Nancy. I wonder if the expectations and > attempts to get us to go back to what they want us to be ever go away. > All I can do, I guess, is continue to be authentic and see what > happens.

Hannah, I am sorry to say that they _never_ give up, at least until physical death; IME they go from shame to blame to any other excuse to avoid changing themselves.  Now, I grant you that I only have about 50 years worth of experience in these matters, so don’t take my words for demonstrated theories, just hypotheses. As always, YMMV. Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy

Response:

Hi Hannah and Anne! >> The arrogance on my part that all the years of therapy and hard work >> in 12 step >> programs meant that I would be able to deal with this intolerable >> situation > Coincidentally, I had a conversation with a friend a couple of days > ago on a similar topic. I’ve always believed that I could and should > be able to be in my father’s presence and deal with it like nothing > happened. This friend pointed out that *no one* should be able to deal > well in the face of triggers

Shoulda, woulda, coulda … none of those work very well, even for those without PTSD.  :/ You two really struck a note with me.  Thank you both. Last night my son finally noticed that no one in my blood family or in his father’s blood family likes him any more. His analysis is that he is my son, and the ‘fruit of the poisoned tree’. Talk about your changeback messages!  Now, they try to come back at me via my man-child. > I can relate. It took me a long time to see that my situation with my > blood family wouldn’t change  - though I tried really hard to make it > work. I thought that they would come to understand me and change their > behavior, if I presented my feelings and my position well enough.

Accepting the fact that by my ‘being myself’ finally, I could not relate well to any of them (various reasons for each person) gave me one choice: to be authentic and find a family of people who cherish me as I am, or continue to be disabled by anxiety and depression. And, gee, it has taken a lot of therapy, time, and meds for me to get to that place.  Being authentic is a full-tome job when I did not learn it in my early 20s due to my trauma(s)and my reactions to my trauma(s). In the meantime, over the last few days, I have spent a lot of time being reminded of their (what I consider to be) unfair and unfounded judgements about me and my behaviors.  The judgements hurt until I remember that these are puny attempts to force me to fit into other people’s expectations. Now, to teach my man-child the same lesson! YMMV Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy

Response:

Hi Nancy, > Last night my son finally noticed that no one in my blood family or in > his father’s blood family likes him any more. > His analysis is that he is my son, and the ‘fruit of the poisoned tree’. > Talk about your changeback messages!  Now, they try to come back at me > via my man-child.

I really feel for your son – my father has talked about me (very unfavorably) to his siblings, so my aunts and uncles don’t like me anymore, either. Even if I am learning to create my own family through friends who accept me for who I am, it’s hard to be ‘cast off’ by your blood family. And I don’t have to say how horrible it is that they treat your son like that – it’s just sad. > Accepting the fact that by my ‘being myself’ finally, I could not relate > well to any of them (various reasons for each person) gave me one choice: > to be authentic and find a family of people who cherish me as I am, or > continue to be disabled by anxiety and depression.

That’s a great paragraph, thanks, Nancy, you put it really well. I believe that’s the heart of it, too: to be authentic. It’s taken me a lot of therapy, too, to have the courage to do so, and my blood family has reacted with lot of anger. I used to "prop up" the family and take care of them all, and now that I’ve claimed a life that has (I hope) healthy boundaries, they accuse me of ruining the family. But to get back to your point, I do find my anxiety and depression go through the roof when I am in their company, and I am much more peaceful and grounded when I am on my own or in the company of my newly-founded family. > And, gee, it has taken a lot of therapy, time, and meds for me to get to > that place.  Being authentic is a full-tome job when I did not learn it > in my early 20s due to my trauma(s)and my reactions to my trauma(s).

I didn’t learn it either for many reasons. But it is a good place to be – I am learning the meaning of the word "peaceful" for the first time. > In the meantime, over the last few days, I have spent a lot of time being > reminded of their (what I consider to be) unfair and unfounded judgements > about me and my behaviors.  The judgements hurt until I remember that > these are puny attempts to force me to fit into other people’s > expectations.

Good that you can see that, Nancy. I wonder if the expectations and attempts to get us to go back to what they want us to be ever go away. All I can do, I guess, is continue to be authentic and see what happens. > Now, to teach my man-child the same lesson!

I hope he learns it without too much hurt along the way. > Smile and there will be something to smile about! > Nancy

Take care, Hannah

Response:

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