Question:
Hello – I just wanted to get some compassionate opinions on how to respond to my brother. Background: I have had minimal to no contact with any family member after recovering my memories of a very traumatic childhood (and lots of therapy). I’m on disability because of the PTSD. I got no support from them, and I have felt better not talking to them. Now my brother says he wants a relationship, but he doesn’t know if I’m telling the truth or "disturbed enough to make it up". I love my brother, but I don’t know if I should let someone into my life who doesn’t believe me. I’m tired of fighting that battle. Any ideas or similar sibling experiences?
Response:
"theana" <the…@email.msn.com> wrote in message
news:O4Vpk7zfBHA.1396@cpimsnntpa03… > I just wanted to get some compassionate opinions on how to respond to my > brother. Background: I have had minimal to no contact with any family > member after recovering my memories of a very traumatic childhood (and lots > of therapy). I’m on disability because of the PTSD. I got no support from > them, and I have felt better not talking to them. Now my brother says he > wants a relationship, but he doesn’t know if I’m telling the truth or > "disturbed enough to make it up". I love my brother, but I don’t know if I > should let someone into my life who doesn’t believe me. I’m tired of > fighting that battle. > Any ideas or similar sibling experiences?
Well, this is such a complex issue. I don’t think there is any clear answer, but if he were the abuser I would say avoid until you are really over it all. I don’t have anything to do with my abusive father because he doesn’t take responsibility for what he did, he projects it onto other people and for the most damaging time I was either one of those people or I was used as a way to get at other members of the family with whom he had grudges. The grudges never ended because he had to use them as a cover to mask his own highly abusive part in the situation. If it were about a brother who had not been the abuser, then I would be more open-minded, but still cautious. Maybe he doesn’t have to ‘believe you’. Maybe the issue is more that he respects you and that he allows that it MIGHT have happened – which translates to him not putting you down if the subject ever comes up. I say this because I think relating to someone who belittles your traumatic experiences can be highly toxic and from what I understand, is one of the key ingredients that can lead to and sustain PTSD. Bottom line, any relationship needs to be balanced to work. It may mean finding areas of relating and subjects of conversation that don’t include the key issue that you will always perceive differently – at least until he makes some realisations or some truths come to light and he can be more supportive on the issue. If such a relationship is to work, I think there really does need to be a mutual commitment to staying off the subject both directly and indirectly until such a turnaround is evident. If he cares like a good brother, he won’t want your health to get worse, so honouring that decision should be easy. This is only my feeling on the matter though. I think you are right to be cautious. You don’t need to worsen your illness. You need to recover, and your brother could be a part of that if you can learn to trust each other again. And remember, just because you allow him into your life, it doesn’t mean that you have to keep him there. You have control over your life. You can make choices is the s**t hits the fan. Take care, and thank you for your supportive message about my Rhodiola messages. Very kind and good to know they are appreciated by some. If it helps one person, then it is worthwhile. BFN, Cary 
)
Response:
Hi Theana! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > I just wanted to get some compassionate opinions on how to respond to my > > brother. Background: I have had minimal to no contact with any family > > member after recovering my memories of a very traumatic childhood (and lots > > of therapy). I’m on disability because of the PTSD. I got no support from > > them, and I have felt better not talking to them. Now my brother says he > > wants a relationship, but he doesn’t know if I’m telling the truth or > > "disturbed enough to make it up". I love my brother, but I don’t know if I > > should let someone into my life who doesn’t believe me. I’m tired of > > fighting that battle. > > Any ideas or similar sibling experiences? > If it were about a brother who had not been the abuser, then I would be more > open-minded, but still cautious. Maybe he doesn’t have to ‘believe you’. > Maybe the issue is more that he respects you and that he allows that it > MIGHT have happened – which translates to him not putting you down if the > subject ever comes up. I say this because I think relating to someone who > belittles your traumatic experiences can be highly toxic and from what I > understand, is one of the key ingredients that can lead to and sustain
PTSD. No shit! IME the whole family was part of the problem. The abuse was so ingrained that folks have constantly punished me (or attempted to punish me) for ‘not following their norm’. We are now to the point that the parents are dead, but ‘the beat goes on’. Whenever I have tried to have a non-judgemental retationship with either of my siblings, things have moved along swimmingly until I heard and rejected the changeback messages. They tend to believe the ’stories’ about my emotional ‘failures’ and get so tied up in accusing me of these failures that they lose sight of the objective of peaceful coexistence. It is a shame but I cannot change their perspective and changing my perspective (after years of therapy) is now impossible. Abuse is a ‘dirty little secret’ that no one wants to acknowledge; family secrets are toxic to me. YMMV Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
>Now my brother says he wants a relationship, but he doesn’t know if I’m
telling the truth or "disturbed enough to make it up". I love my brother, but I don’t know if I should let someone into my life who doesn’t believe me. I’m tired of fighting that battle.>> After going through times of no contact with some family members I can offer a piece of advice for you to consider. If your brother doesn’t know if you’re telling the truth or making it up, then offer him a chance to hear it from your own lips. He’s heard things secondhand probably. If you’re up to it, it may payoff tremendously to offer him a chance to sit down with you (in a restaurant or somewhere like a park) and ask you the questions that he has. Maybe you don’t need to sit and tell your whole story. Perhaps he has specific questions. If you think that he will never believe you and that it is worthless to try, then you could perhaps call him and let him know the "rules" for the meeting. Set up a boundary that you will not be called a liar. Tell him that you will meet with him if he wants to know the truth and if he truly has an open mind about the reality that you know. Only if he is willing to listen and perhaps learn the truth will he be kind enough to listen without attacking. If he can’t give you that promise on the phone, then I would not meet with him at this time. Remember this, the things that you remember he may not and his memories may be what he holds onto very tightly so that he doesn’t have to deal with reality. He also may not want to believe it because he may feel some guilt for not "taking care of you" when you were a kid. If you two can get honest enough then you can reassure him that he was too young to give you the help you needed (if he was.) Now if he was a young adult and he knew but didn’t acknowledge what was going on, then there may be some real guilt inside. That guilt works well with the lies he’s heard about you being "crazy" right? I hope this helps, I hope he will listen and hear YOU and I hope that you will honestly feel heard and accepted, rather than rejected by him. Even a telephone conversation and relationship may be all that is possible right now. If that is all he has to offer, then I would be willing to accept that as long as he’s not bashing you or calling you a liar or crazy. Good luck with him and take care of yourself, Kristine.
Response:
Thank you all so much for your wonderful advice and perspectives. I think I have some tools to work with now in deciding how I want to procede. I have to keep reminding myself that the most important thing is for me to get well. And you are right on about the twisted dynamics of abusive families! "BaliKris" <balik…@aol.comzipspam> wrote in message
news:20011207135043.16867.00001417@mb-fh.aol.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >Now my brother says he wants a relationship, but he doesn’t know if I’m > telling the truth or "disturbed enough to make it up". I love my brother, but > I don’t know if I should let someone into my life who doesn’t believe me. I’m > tired of fighting that battle.>> > After going through times of no contact with some family members I can offer a > piece of advice for you to consider. If your brother doesn’t know if you’re > telling the truth or making it up, then offer him a chance to hear it from your > own lips. He’s heard things secondhand probably. If you’re up to it, it may > payoff tremendously to offer him a chance to sit down with you (in a restaurant > or somewhere like a park) and ask you the questions that he has. Maybe you > don’t need to sit and tell your whole story. Perhaps he has specific questions. > If you think that he will never believe you and that it is worthless to try, > then you could perhaps call him and let him know the "rules" for the meeting. > Set up a boundary that you will not be called a liar. Tell him that you will > meet with him if he wants to know the truth and if he truly has an open mind > about the reality that you know. Only if he is willing to listen and perhaps > learn the truth will he be kind enough to listen without attacking. If he > can’t give you that promise on the phone, then I would not meet with him at > this time. > Remember this, the things that you remember he may not and his memories may be > what he holds onto very tightly so that he doesn’t have to deal with reality. > He also may not want to believe it because he may feel some guilt for not > "taking care of you" when you were a kid. If you two can get honest enough > then you can reassure him that he was too young to give you the help you needed > (if he was.) Now if he was a young adult and he knew but didn’t acknowledge > what was going on, then there may be some real guilt inside. That guilt works > well with the lies he’s heard about you being "crazy" right? > I hope this helps, I hope he will listen and hear YOU and I hope that you will > honestly feel heard and accepted, rather than rejected by him. Even a > telephone conversation and relationship may be all that is possible right now. > If that is all he has to offer, then I would be willing to accept that as long > as he’s not bashing you or calling you a liar or crazy. > Good luck with him and take care of yourself, Kristine.
Response:
What does BFN stand for? Helsk
Response:
Hi helski! > What does BFN stand for?
I believe it is ‘Bye For Now’, but don’t quote me. 
Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
"Nancy" <ki…@cris.com> wrote in message
news:9ut2e0$s1r@dispatch.concentric.net… > Hi helski! > > What does BFN stand for? > I believe it is ‘Bye For Now’, but don’t quote me.
Yup! That’s it. Sorry for perplexing you ) BFN, Cary
Response:
Ooh, lovely: I finally see the chance to ask you this: What does YMMF stand for? (whew, that felt good!) Lotte "Nancy" <ki…@cris.com> skrev i meddelandet news:9ut2e0$s1r@dispatch.concentric.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi helski! > > What does BFN stand for? > I believe it is ‘Bye For Now’, but don’t quote me. > Smile and there will be something to smile about! > Nancy
Response:
Ooh, lovely: I finally see the chance to ask you this: What does YMMF stand for? (whew, that felt good!) I know that one!! Your mileage may vary. Helski
Response:
…thanx…and what does that mean? Thorry for being tho thick… Lotte "helski" <hel…@idl.net.au> skrev i meddelandet news:1007847879.399474@bigboy… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Ooh, lovely: > I finally see the chance to ask you this: What does YMMF stand for? > (whew, that felt good!) > I know that one!! > Your mileage may vary. > Helski
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