Question:
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I can relate to what you’re saying. That’s pretty much where I am, so I don’t have any answers or hope to share. Wish I did. I’m just trying to hang in there. I will say that I started Risperdal recently, although the idea of it is very scary for me. It helps me feel less unaware, less like I’m stuck in a fuzzy, in-between sort of place (not really gone, but not really here). FWIW. ej
Response:
No offense to anyone here that’s already been through this but I’m in the middle of discovering or admitting that there is more of me than *me*. . spoiled. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -
I keep finding myself feeling like this whole idea is so totally irrational…How could I really believe there is more *inside* than what everyone sees *outside*. How could I admit—-even to my therp that I feel others. How can I sit in therapy as my therp sits across the room trying to help me get to feelings *that I don’t have!* that are being held on to by someone else for my protection. How do I explain something to her that I don’t believe makes any sense but is what I feel inside. How do I explain that *I* the adult knows the *truth* about what happened to the 5 year old girl and that 5 year old knows the lie and her total perception of life is so backwards and wrong and painful that if *I* told her the *truth* I don’t know what would happen. That her world would fall apart, that there is too much of a conflict for me to tell her the truth. That *she* is holding on to all those feelings about what happened…for *my* protection. How do I explain the memories that I’m getting *now* that are not of abuse but of *switching*….that my life is starting to become more and more unrecognizable even though it’s familiar. That I’m looking back at life and *really* wondering where I’ve been because I damn sure know I haven’t been here or paying much attention or something! I have more knowledge of my life than what I’ll call memory of participation. How do I explain that …yeah, I can "get to some feelings" but not from me….that I’d have to switch, that I don’t know if I can do that "on command", that I don’t know exactly who has what feeling and I don’t know what they’d do if they showed up???? I don’t think anyone would get hurt but I don’t like giving up control to anybody….even myself(see how sick this is?) I’m sick of this already. The more *memory* I get it seems the more I’m losing. I feel like I have to be careful or I’m going to lose control of who has control whoever that is……. — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -No offense to anyone here that’s already been through this but I’m in the middle of discovering or admitting that there is more of me than *me*. . spoiled. I keep finding myself feeling like this whole idea is so totally irrational…How could I really believe there is more *inside* than what everyone sees *outside*. How could I admit—-even to my therp that I feel others. How can I sit in therapy as my therp sits across the room trying to help me get to feelings *that I don’t have!* that are being held on to by someone else for my protection. How do I explain something to her that I don’t believe makes any sense but is what I feel inside. How do I explain that *I* the adult knows the *truth* about what happened to the 5 year old girl and that 5 year old knows the lie and her total perception of life is so backwards and wrong and painful that if *I* told her the *truth* I don’t know what would happen. That her world would fall apart, that there is too much of a conflict for me to tell her the truth. That *she* is holding on to all those feelings about what happened…for *my* protection. How do I explain the memories that I’m getting *now* that are not of abuse but of *switching*….that my life is starting to become more and more unrecognizable even though it’s familiar. That I’m looking back at life and *really* wondering where I’ve been because I damn sure know I haven’t been here or paying much attention or something! I have more knowledge of my life than what I’ll call memory of participation. How do I explain that …yeah, I can "get to some feelings" but not from me….that I’d have to switch, that I don’t know if I can do that "on command", that I don’t know exactly who has what feeling and I don’t know what they’d do if they showed up???? I don’t think anyone would get hurt but I don’t like giving up control to anybody….even myself(see how sick this is?) I’m sick of this already. The more *memory* I get it seems the more I’m losing. I feel like I have to be careful or I’m going to lose control of who has control whoever that is……. Hi, Juggler,
Yes, I think I know what you’re talking about. I was in therapy for over 7 years with a good therapist, someone I trusted, and he worked extensively with DID people. However, I was not diagnosed with DID, but PTSD because of sexual abuse. After therapy terminated last December, I decided to wait and see if I thought I needed to continue therapy. I was ok for a while, then the dissociation started getting worse and more new memories came. I found a therapist and told her I thought I was DID and explain my experiences of dissociation and amnesia (This was about last May). So I am still in the struggle of who’s in control. This is all pretty new to me, yet it isn’t at the same time because I can see how I have used dissociation over the years–I just called it "leaving my body". Apparently, I do it to the extent that another develooed personality takes over and I have amnesia for that period of time. For me, I go back to basics and trust the process called Life. I
know that I am an honest person and would have no reason to fake that I’m switching and fake somebody else. Go easy and be gentle with yourself. What’s happened has already happened, even though new memories can be so painful. You’re here now and surviving and hopefully thriving, too. ASD is a good place to check out your own perceptions. People here will give you their honest responses and are very supportive of even the very _difficult_ aspects of oneself (speaking from experience!). Juggler, you did really great by writing about this. Keep doing just what you’re doing in therapy and things will work out. Faith – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
Hi, Juggler … Are you the same Romy/Juggler that we know? Doesn’t really matter, but just thought I’d ask …
<spoiler retained, although I didn’t see much "spoilable" here No offense to anyone here that’s already been through this but I’m in the middle of discovering or admitting that there is more of me than *me*.
Brother, do I know *that* feeling … been there, done that, got the t-shirt, it caused a rash … – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -. spoiled. I keep finding myself feeling like this whole idea is so totally irrational…How could I really believe there is more *inside* than what everyone sees *outside*. How could I admit—-even to my therp that I feel others. How can I sit in therapy as my therp sits across the room trying to help me get to feelings *that I don’t have!* that are being held on to by someone else for my protection. How do I explain something to her that I don’t believe makes any sense but is what I feel inside.
Have you told the therpist how you feel? I have had such a terrible time doing this .. it’s like accepting a ‘brand’ of mentally ill somehow. I finally choked out the word ‘dissociate’ and promptly got a test to take (actually, several). And lo and behold, before I even knew ‘who was who’ inside, I had a diagnosis. Unlike the diagnosis of major depression, which I clung to like a lifeline when I got it (’so THAT’S what’s wrong … ‘) the diagnosis of ‘dissociative identity disorder’ just confused me more. But the sense of there being ‘more of me’ than what can been seen on the outside has been with me all my life. How do I explain that *I* the adult knows the *truth* about what happened to the 5 year old girl and that 5 year old knows the lie and her total perception of life is so backwards and wrong and painful that if *I* told her the *truth* I don’t know what would happen. That her world would fall apart, that there is too much of a conflict for me to tell her the truth. That *she* is holding on to all those feelings about what happened…for *my* protection.
At least you value her (your 5-year-old) and what she is doing for you, how hard it is for her. It’s very hard for us to value those inside … that elusive "inner cooperation" dealie is *very* hard for us. So imo, you’re ahead of the game right there. How do I explain the memories that I’m getting *now* that are not of abuse but of *switching*….that my life is starting to become more and more unrecognizable even though it’s familiar. That I’m looking back at life and *really* wondering where I’ve been because I damn sure know I haven’t been here or paying much attention or something! I have more knowledge of my life than what I’ll call memory of participation. How do I explain that …yeah,
That’s actually a big goal in therapy for me/us .. to participate in our own life, and not just observe it going past, like a train. To fine "reality based" relationships, not relationships based on fantasy or "magical thinking" … that "if sie does x-and-y, we’ll be all ‘well’ somehow". I can "get to some feelings" but not from me….that I’d have to switch, that I don’t know if I can do that "on command", that I don’t know exactly who has what feeling and I don’t know what they’d do if they showed up???? I don’t think anyone would get hurt but I don’t like giving up control to anybody….even myself(see how sick this is?)
Well, "sick" can be a put-down … actually, dissociation is the hallmark of the highly intelligent, creative mind. Least that’s the theory .. I certainly think it’s true of you. Us, well … nother story. I’m sick of this already. The more *memory* I get it seems the more I’m losing.
Yep, yep, yep I feel like I have to be careful or I’m going to lose control of who has control whoever that is…….
Tell me about it. We "negotiate" for control with some of us all the time … control of the body, and Control (an alter) of who’s "out" and who is listened to, and why. My dearest friend has "town meetings" of her alters so that everyone is listened to. We’re not there yet.
Ohhhh, boy, do we! 
feel free to email us if you like … and if you *are* Romy/Juggler, ltns and don’t be a stranger Laurels
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – No offense to anyone here that’s already been through this but I’m in the middle of discovering or admitting that there is more of me than *me*. . spoiled.
<snips That I’m looking back at life and *really* wondering where I’ve been because I damn sure know I haven’t been here or paying much attention or something! I have more knowledge of my life than what I’ll call memory of participation. How do I explain that
..yeah, Gee, for me it’s like someone else took notes for me in a class because I couldn’t make it. This someone else then lent me their notes to copy so I could get filled in, but it’s not like I was in attendance that day! I can "get to some feelings" but not from me….that I’d have to switch, that I don’t know if I can do that "on command", that I don’t know exactly who has what feeling and I don’t know what they’d do if they showed up???? I don’t think anyone would get hurt but I don’t like giving up control to anybody….even myself(see how sick this is?)
That’s not sick, I think you’re ahead of the game because you’re figuring out what’s going on These types of things are confusing, but predictable to some extent. I’m sick of this already. The more *memory* I get it seems the more I’m losing.
That’s only because you’re dealing with this now, that IS progress. I think when memories come, there’s some destabilization for a while_then issues get worked on, get further on the path of healing_that’s progress. I feel like I have to be careful or I’m going to lose control of who has control whoever that is…….
Hmmmm. That can be hard to figure out. Is it even necessary to figure out if there is one in control? I think major control can be a small committee. I think that we have central players, some of whom are more in control than the others at times, there are the fringes_and then there’s the gatekeeper.
Yes, and keep on writing here. I’ve learned alot since finding the asdis ng, and the people here are really supportive. My therp thinks it’s great that I found this group for support. Hope and Peace, Crackers — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
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